Narcissistic Abuse: Tips for Recognizing and Recovering

When I bring up the word “Abuse” with my clients I notice they are prone to discount their experience because they don’t’ see their situation as being “real abuse.” Abuse is a spectrum, and the word doesn’t do justice to describe the many forms of subtle and overt abusive behaviors and toxic relational dynamics. Narcissistic abuse is a very real form of abuse. The power and control dynamics might not include physical or sexual violence, although they can, but the psychological, emotional, interpersonal, and spiritual effects devastate individuals who find themselves trapped in the narcissistic abuse cycle. This post intends to do two things: 

1. Describe the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse to help those suffering recognize they are not “crazy.” This is a definable pattern that many others are experiencing.

2. Provide some practical tools and tips to cope and eventually recover from said abuse.

The narcissistic abuse cycle can be defined as a “pattern of highs and lows in which the narcissist confuses their partner through manipulation and calculated behaviors aimed at making their partner question themselves” (Hammond, 2015). I want to make it clear that your partner does not have to have an official diagnosis of “narcissist” for your situation to be a valid case of narcissistic abuse. Media and pop culture usually only portray the most extreme examples of narcissism thus exacerbating the problem and preventing victims from getting help. 

The cycle involves three phases that work in tandem with each other. 

The first stage is Idealization. 

This is the stage where your partner makes you feel like the most special person in the world. The term “love bombing” comes to mind. You might feel as if you’ve never been loved or adored for like this before. The pursuer will become vigilant in giving attention to you and will shower their “target” with gifts, compliments, and promises. 

The idealization phase may include: 

• Love-bombing

• A lot of attention given to partner

• Grandiose gestures

• Elaborate gifts and dates

• Discussing marriage

• Lack of boundaries

• Attempts to isolate partner in the name of love

• Quickly moving into intimacy

• Creates a sense of ownership of partner and the relationship (Hammond, 2015).

The second phase is devaluation.

During this stage, you might start to notice your partner acting one way with you and one way in public which makes it hard to understand which person they really are. If you express concern, you might be labeled as “jealous” or “needy” or a “nag,” The disillusionment at this stage makes some cling harder to the memory of when things were ideal. You might have an intuitive feeling that something is wrong but because of the hot and cold nature of their affection for a time, it is easier to push that voice down. A huge red flag is that you begin to doubt yourself. You begin to see the real person for who they are, and you notice more incongruency in their behavior. This is where the abuse really starts to hurt and many start to exhibit anxiety, depression, obsessive thoughts, develop a trauma bond, amongst other symptoms. Visit this resource to learn more. This is where people get trapped because they are so beaten down and confused, it seems easier to just stay for fear of what might happen or what threats might be made.  

The devaluation phase might include:  

• Attempting to change their partner

• Increasing criticism and insults

• Gaslighting

• Physical threats

• Poor communication

• Increased violation of boundaries

• Triangulation

• More isolation or control over their partner

• Withholding physical, emotional, and sexual intimacy (Hammond, 2015).

Finally, the third phase is rejection. 

In this phase, the narcissistic partner rejects their partner and essentially places complete blame of the downfall of the relationship on their partner. In healthy relationships conflicts and disagreements are navigated with patience, grace, and the use of helpful problem solving skills. In narcissistic abuse relationships, there are no compromises. It is if the victimized partner doesn’t even exist, and they begin to lose any power or autonomy. Sometimes the cycle repeats itself over and over. Sometimes, once the phases are complete, the abuser become disinterested and finds another partner to begin another cycle with. 

The rejection phase may include: 

• Feelings of contempt and rage

• Betraying the relationship

• Invalidating their partner’s emotions and placing all the blame on them

• Playing the victim

• Physical, emotional, and verbal abuse

• Ending the relationship permanently or temporarily with attempts to continue this cycle of abuse (Hammond, 2015).

Now that I have described, briefly, common signs and symptoms of the narcissistic abuse, I will provide some tips for coping. At the end of the article, I have provided additional resources for you to begin your journey to safety and recovery. 

1. Label the Abuse

Once you recognize the abuse and have educated yourself about it labeling it is a vital step towards healing. Consider communicating what you are learning out loud to a trusted person.  

2. End the relationship if you haven’t already done that.

Get in touch with a trusted person, a professional, or your family to create a safety plan if necessary before you leave. 

3. Set Clear and Specific Boundaries

Setting clear boundaries requires discipline but it is vital to protect you from getting manipulated or tricked again. If you share children with your ex-partner and must make contact, make sure you have clear boundaries and a safety plan.  

4. Seek Support

The resources attached to this blog are a great way to find support during this hard time. Additionally, reaching out to a therapist will help you tell your side of the story, be validated, and learn how to grief. A therapist can support you in creating new patterns of living and implement new coping skills. 

5. Rediscover Yourself

In many cases, the abusive relationship has taken over your mind, emotions, physical health, and schedule. Once you are ready it is important you take the time to rediscover who you are, what you want, what you like, what you enjoy, what you need, and how you want to see yourself. This can seem daunting but there is not rush. Rediscovering ourselves is a life long process and we change throughout life. The key is that you recognize you have been deprived of your voice and allow yourself to rediscover it. 

There is no way I can describe all that narcissistic abuse is and how to recover in this short blog but my hope for you is that you feel validated and affirmed if you or someone you know is suffering or trapped in this cycle. There is hope, people can leave their partner, grief the loss, and heal. If you are unsure if you want to start therapy as a part of your healing, I offer free consultations and it would be a pleasure to hear your story and get to know you!

By Shaundra McGuire, MFTI Book With Shaundra: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ShaundraMcguireMFTI

Additional Resources: 

Stages of Narcissistic Abuse - Narcissist Abuse Support

https://narcissisticabusevictims.org/

You Are Not Alone - Educate Yourself - Find Support - Get Healed - Find Peace Again - Narcissist Abuse Support

The Power of Connection in Addiction Recovery

 My message here is to offer what I have learned about the power of connection as a healing force against addiction and shame. I do not intend to invalidate the real suffering of millions living moment to moment amidst the chaos of chemical dependency and behavioral addictions. The experience of the addicted brain, body, or even “spirit” is extremely real. Anecdotal wisdom and tired truisms, when offered flippantly, hurt the suffering. Addiction is not simple, you can breathe. You are safe here. I will not offer you a magic cure.

Ok, so let’s talk about Connection! 

One of the most shame inducing parts of addiction is isolation. Even if you are a part of the minority of sufferers and you’ve rallied the bravery to share your experience it is still common to have thoughts such as…

“No one understands me. People see me as an addict, broken, helpless.”

“I can’t tell X because I would lose my job, my kids, my leadership role!” 

“Even when I am with my partner I feel inexplicably alone”

Brene Brown, popular researcher and public speaker, defines shame as “the fear of disconnection” (Brown B, 2010). People hide in shame because they fear that if they were fully honest or vulnerable it might jeopardize their connection to others. Shame is viewed as a negative emotion in pop psychology but from this perspective, the instinct for shame stems from the pure desire for connection to others. 

If we follow this logic, then certainly we shouldn’t add additional shame on ourselves for experiencing shame. Shame is the fear of disconnection. Shame is not inherently bad, but it hurts. We are sensitive to the pain of shame because it makes us feel isolated and impairs our authenticity.  

If we fear disconnection to the point of letting shame isolate us, we remain unseen and misunderstood even by those whom we have a “connection” with. You might be able to pull off a certain level of inauthentic connection with others, but this leaves you starved of true connection that comes from living in the “shame free zone” where you feel safe to be honest about what you are experiencing in any given moment. This is true connection. Safety, acceptance, and mutual vulnerability. 

But at this point, we face another obstacle. Many have experienced the thing they fear most when stepping into authenticity and vulnerability: Rejection and Disconnection from others. For some, the people they trusted with their honesty weren’t deserving of it. These experiences reinforce the shame-instinct. These experiences break my heart, and they are real, and they hurt. But here’s the good news. Each day, given your unique situation ability and access, you can work towards building connections that are worthy of your trust. You can have corrective connections. Your brain is made to regenerate its physical matter and to rewire toxic neurological pathways. Your heart can be healed through the power of pure love and connection. It is possible to live a meaningful life of connection that does not require you to escape from. 

Once again, it is not this simple. Addictions are complex and multifaceted, but research has shown that authentic and safe connection is one of the most powerful forces in overcoming addiction. This is one reason why therapy is effective in treating addiction, it might not just be the cognitive tools and intellectual processing that heals addiction. It might just be the power of a loving and safe connection.

In closing, I will share with you the results of a study published by a Canadian psychologist Bruce Alexander (Hayes, 2020). In this study, the scientists observed rats in empty cages with two bottles. One bottle was filled with water and one bottle was filled with heroin laced water. Each rat observed, was isolated in the cage with the two bottles. Over time, each isolated rat became addicted to the heroin water and eventually all of them overdosed and died. Sad, I know. 

Bruce Alexander was bothered by the size of the cage and began to consider “maybe it was the lack of stimulation and other pleasures that reinforced the rats to get high. What else did they have to do?” This is when the team created what is now referred to as “Rat Park.” This cage was over twenty times the size of the first cage and included all sorts of fun and stimulating objects and activities for the rats to enjoy. This cage was full of delicious foods, and over 20 rats of different genders were placed there. The same two water bottles were placed in “Rat Park,” one with pure water and one with heroin laced water. Guess what? All twenty of the rats ignored the heroin water and simply lived in their natural bliss of connection, play, nourishment, and mating. 

The outcomes of this study reinforce my deep conviction that authentic connection is the opposite of addiction. Is it possible that the success rates of therapy and even twelve step programs have less to do with “rigorous morality” or professional expertise as much as they have to do with connection? 

Honest, Authentic, Safe, Shame-Free, Fearless, and Vulnerable Connection. This is my hope for the suffering and alone. To experience “Rat Park” in real life and experience the transformative power of connection. 

Author: Shaundra Mcguire, MFTI

Book an appointment with Shaundra online here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ShaundraMcguireMFTI

References

Dr. Brené Brown on “The Power of Vulnerability” – Whitney Johnson. (2010). Whitney Johnson’s Distuption Advisors. https://whitneyjohnson.com/brene-brown-vulnerability/

Hayes, T. (2020, November 13). The opposite of addiction is . . .. Integrated Addiction Care. https://www.integratedaddictioncare.com/2020/11/12/the-opposite-of-addiction-is/

START YOUR HEALING JOURNEY By Creating Awareness & Self Compassion

Key Facts About Compassionate Awareness

What is it, why do we value it, and what are the benefits?

Compassionate Awareness is the integration of 4 things:

1 - Consciousness: a set of principles that support living a life of compassion, collaboration, courage, and authenticity. Showing-up in a way you intend to.

2 - Language: understanding how words contribute to connection or distance (to self or others).

3 - Communication Skills: knowing how to ask for what we want, how to hear others even if in disagreement, and how to move towards solutions that work for all.

4 - Means of Influence: sharing “power with others” rather than using “power over others”.

Compassion serves our desire to do 3 things:

1 - Increase our ability to live with choice, meaning, intention, and connection.

2 - Connect empathically with self and others to have more satisfying relationships.

3 - Sharing of resources so everyone is able to benefit.

Why do we value Compassionate Awareness?

Most of us could brush up on our skills to improve the quality of our relationship with ourselves and others, to deepen our sense of personal empowerment or simply help us communicate more effectively. Unfortunately, most of us have been taught to mix OBSERVATIONS with comparisons to compete, judge, demand and diagnose; to think and communicate in terms of what is “right“ and “wrong“.

This habitual way we THINK and REACT sabotages our intentions to get our needs met. We fail to communicate our actual need which further creates disconnect, misunderstanding, and frustration. And still worse, this can cause anger, suffering, and escalation. As this way of communicating escalates, this may lead to violence.

As a result, reactions from negative thoughts, even with the best of intentions, generate needless conflict.

On the flip-side, compassionate awareness helps us reach to the core need and discover what is alive and vital within us, and how all of our actions are based on human needs that we are seeking to meet. We learn to develop a vocabulary of FEELINGS and needs that helps us more clearly express what is happening internally in us, and understand what is going on in others, in real time.

When we understand and acknowledge our NEEDS, we develop a shared foundation for much more satisfying relationships.

Living Intentionally

The intention to connect with ourselves and others is one of the most important goals of practicing and living NVC. We live our lives from moment to moment, yet most of the time we are on autopilot, reacting out of habit rather than out of awareness and presence of mind. By creating a space for attention and respect in every moment, NVC helps create a pathway and a practice that is accessible and approachable. Studying and practicing NVC creates a foundation for learning about ourselves and our relationships in every moment, and helps us to remain focused on what is happening right here, right now.

Four Components of Compassionate Communication

Observation:

Observation without evaluation consists of noticing concrete things and actions around us. We learn to distinguish between judgment and what we sense in the present moment, and to simply observe what is there.

Feeling:

When we notice things around us, we inevitably experience varying emotions and physical sensations in each particular moment. Here, distinguishing feelings from thoughts is an essential step to the NVC process.

Needs:

All individuals have needs and values that sustain and enrich their lives. When those needs are met, we experience comfortable feelings, like happiness or peacefulness, and when they are not, we experience uncomfortable feelings, like frustration. Understanding that we, as well as those around us, have these needs is perhaps the most important step in learning to practice NVC and to live empathically.

Request:

To make clear and present requests is crucial to NVC’s -3- transformative mission. When we learn to request concrete actions that can be carried out in the present moment, we begin to find ways to cooperatively and creatively ensure that everyone’s needs are met.

Two Parts Empathy:

Receiving

from the heart creates a means to connect with others and share experiences in a truly life enriching way. Empathy goes beyond compassion, allowing us to put ourselves into another’s shoes to sense the same feelings and understand the same needs; in essence, being open and available to what is alive in others. It also gives us the means to remain present to and aware of our own needs and the needs of others even in extreme situations that are often difficult to handle.

Honesty:

Giving from the heart has its root in honesty. Honesty begins with truly understanding ourselves and our own needs, and being in tune with what is alive in us in the present moment. When we learn to give ourselves empathy, we can start to break down the barriers to communication that keep us from connecting with others.