Navigating Trauma Responses: Understanding the Four F’s of Trauma - Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn

In the realm of our psyche, trauma triggers an orchestra of responses, unveiling a range of survival behaviors we inherently adopt when faced with perceived threats. These automatic reactions - the Four F’s - are intrinsic, revealing themselves in moments of distress, pushing us into a realm of defense mechanisms.

The Neurobiological Unveiling: Our bodies, intricately wired to respond to danger, unleash a cascade of protective measures through the sympathetic nervous system. Initially designed for short-term survival, these mechanisms inundate our system with chemicals, creating a defensive shield. Yet, when these responses persist, our system gets overwhelmed, and we become trapped in survival mode, with our sympathetic nervous system taking the reins.

The Continuum of Trauma: Trauma, however, isn't just confined to monumental life events. It permeates a spectrum, where even seemingly minor incidents, such as a heart-wrenching breakup or a chronically toxic work environment, can inflict trauma. It's subjective and personal, living in the shadows of our stressors, often remaining unprocessed and lurking within us, impacting our physical, emotional, and spiritual realms.

1. The Fight Response: Healthy assertiveness and boundaries morph into reactive conflict, a fear-based defense mechanism unleashing anger and aggression. Physical fights, aggression, or a firm jaw are telltale signs, but they come at the cost of severed connections and alienation.

2. The Flight Response: Avoidant behavior takes center stage, compelling us to distance ourselves entirely from distressing emotions. However, escaping into busyness or avoidance deepens the emotional void within us, requiring grounding exercises to reconnect with ourselves.

3. The Freeze Response: A mechanism designed for careful assessment transforms into freezing - a state of emotional numbness, detachment, or dissociation. Grounding techniques and conscious effort help snap out of this mental paralysis.

4. The Fawn Response: At the core of fawning lies the desire to appease, often at the expense of our own identity. People-pleasing and subsuming our needs for others' approval can lead to losing oneself. Identifying and setting boundaries is the first step toward reclaiming our individuality.

A Hybrid of Responses: Our reactions often intermingle, forming hybrids like fight/fawn or flight/freeze, shaped by our environments and the perceived consequences of our behaviors. These hybrids reveal the fluidity and complexity of our trauma responses.

The Journey to Healing: Acknowledging and discussing our trauma responses with empathetic listeners helps unravel these patterns. Embracing self-soothing techniques like journaling and seeking trauma-informed therapies pave the way for healing. Embodying healing through practices like yoga aids in feeling safe within our bodies.

In this process, be gentle with yourself; change takes time. Cultivating compassion, acceptance, and patience in our healing journey is key. Remember, you're on a path toward reclaiming your wellbeing, one step at a time.

Ultimately, recognizing these responses is the first stride towards transformative healing. At South Tampa Therapy, we offer holistic support and a safe space for your healing journey, empowering you to reclaim your narrative and foster resilience.

Book a session with Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, LPC, LCPC, CCTP, NCC, DCC, Ph.D, Gottman & EFT Couples Counselor, NVC Compassionate Communication Specialist, and Trauma Informed Therapist!

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/initialintake

Navigating the Storm: Understanding Trauma Responses in the Wake of Infidelity

Introduction:

In the intricate tapestry of human relationships, few challenges rival the seismic impact of infidelity. As a relationship expert, my journey into the heart of healing has unveiled the profound connection between trauma responses and the aftermath of betrayal. Let's embark on an exploration of how understanding trauma can guide us in treating infidelity and fostering resilient relationships.

The Landscape of Trauma Responses:

Infidelity, like an emotional earthquake, can trigger a spectrum of trauma responses. These responses, often rooted in attachment styles and past experiences, can manifest as shock, denial, anger, anxiety, or even dissociation. As a relationship expert, recognizing these responses is crucial for tailoring effective interventions.

1. The Shockwave of Betrayal: Infidelity rocks the very foundation of trust. Partners experiencing betrayal often describe an initial shock, akin to the ground shaking beneath them. Understanding this shockwave allows us to provide a supportive, stabilizing presence in the immediate aftermath.

2. Navigating the Depths of Denial: Denial is a common defense mechanism, a shield against the overwhelming reality of betrayal. Acknowledging and gently challenging denial, while respecting the individual's pace, opens the door for deeper exploration and healing.

3. Unveiling the Flames of Anguish: Anger can be an intense manifestation of pain, serving as a protective mechanism. As a relationship expert, guiding partners in channeling anger constructively and expressing their emotional needs is pivotal in the healing process.

Treating Infidelity through a Trauma-Informed Lens:

1. Creating a Safe Haven: Establishing a safe space is paramount. Infidelity survivors need assurance that their feelings are valid, and this acknowledgment forms the bedrock of the healing journey.

2. Unraveling the Roots: Delving into the roots of trauma responses is essential. Understanding attachment styles, past traumas, and individual coping mechanisms enables tailored therapeutic strategies.

3. Fostering Effective Communication: Infidelity often exposes communication fault lines. As a relationship expert, empowering partners with nonviolent communication tools can pave the way for honest, vulnerable conversations.

4. Rebuilding Trust Brick by Brick: Rebuilding trust is a meticulous process. Small, consistent actions that demonstrate commitment and accountability become the building blocks of a renewed foundation.

Conclusion:

As we navigate the complex aftermath of infidelity, the lens of trauma response offers clarity and guidance. Each relationship is unique, and treating infidelity requires a nuanced, individualized approach. By embracing the transformative power of understanding trauma responses, we, as relationship experts, can contribute to the profound healing and resilience of those traversing this challenging terrain.

Understanding Why Some People Subconsciously Choose Partners Resembling Their Parents

Discover the reasons behind subconscious partner choices resembling primary caregivers. Learn how early experiences influence romantic relationships and identify potential red flags.

Introduction:

When it comes to choosing a life partner, most people rely on a checklist of desirable qualities. However, relationships built on shared values and intimacy tend to be more stable and secure. This article explores the intriguing phenomenon of individuals subconsciously selecting partners who resemble their primary caregivers, often resulting from unresolved attachment trauma. Recognizing these patterns can lead to healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Key Points:

1. Shared Intimacy and Interdependence in Relationships:

Partnerships rooted in shared intimacy and interdependence foster stability and security, leading to a healthier union.

2. Unresolved Attachment Trauma Influencing Partner Choice:

Unconscious attachment trauma from early life experiences can shape one's selection of a romantic partner, potentially leading to dissatisfaction and communication challenges.

Identifying Red Flags:

Spotting signs that a romantic relationship may be influenced by unresolved core wounds or childhood conditioning is crucial. These include mirroring dynamics learned from primary caregivers, superficial conversations, and a choice of partner echoing past emotional wounds.

Three Common Reasons for Subconsciously Choosing a Parental Resemblance:

1. Fear of Growth and Change:

Some individuals may opt for partners who resist emotional growth, favoring familiarity over personal development. This reluctance to evolve can hinder progress in the relationship.

2. Compulsion to Repeat Patterns:

Choosing a partner resembling an abandoning or neglectful parent may stem from a subconscious desire for closure or rescue. This behavior pattern, while familiar, can lead to self-sabotage.

3. Validation of Learned Scripts and Beliefs:

Selecting a partner with dysfunctional traits similar to those learned in childhood may provide a sense of predictability, even if it perpetuates a cycle of dysfunction. This familiarity can be mistaken for comfort.

Conclusion:

While not everyone consciously "marries their parent," our early experiences profoundly influence our romantic choices. Recognizing these patterns and seeking professional guidance can lead to healthier, more fulfilling relationships. If your formative years were marked by abandonment or neglect, consulting a trained clinician can offer invaluable support in your emotional journey.

Book an appointment with Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney to find out more about how to disrupt these subconscious patterns:

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/initialintake

The Steps and Stages of Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples

EFT for Couples is a three stage nine step process that takes a couple out of their negative repetitive fights that are causing a couple distress, anguish and pain and into a new place of bonding and connection where the fights are resolvable and solutions can be found. It was created by Dr. Susan Johnson and based on research in attachment theory and emotion, as well as, on systems, humanistic, and experiential treatment models. As a model itself, it has been validated by research to help about 70% of couples achieve some long term gain.

Stage One - Stabilization (assessment and de-escalation) 

In stage one of EFT, the therapist works empathically with the couple helping them identify and break the negative cycle, pattern or what Dr. Johnson calls the dance that keeps them separated and in emotional distress. During this stage of therapy, the therapist helps the couple begin to get more in touch with the underlying feelings, fears, and unmet relationship longings driving the negative dance. Experiencing these emotions and seeing their partner experience them, helps the couple to start to feel close again. Things at home start to go along more smoothly. There is a sense of calm and hope. Finally, in this stage, as de-escalation begins to take root, the individuals in the couple pair begin to see, feel, and understand that together they have created this dance of distress. Each person begins to understand more deeply the effect of his or her behavior on the other. Couple learns to work together as a team to stop the cycle.

Step 1: 
Assessment: Delineate conflict issues. Assess how these issues express core conflicts in the areas of separateness/ connectedness and dependence/ independence.
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​Step 2:
Identify the negative interaction pattern or cycle.

Step 3:
Dive more deeply into and feel and share the emotions underlying and fueling each partners position in the cycle. 

Step 4:
Develop an understanding and experience of the problem (reframe) in terms of the cycle, the underlying emotions driving the cycle and the attachment needs which are normal and longing to be meant.

Stage Two - Bonding 

Once the couple begins to understand the dance they do together and is able to step back and stop it or repair it when it gets going at home, they are ready for stage two of EFT. Stage two essentially involves bonding moments where the couple begins to learn how to communicate their vulnerabilities to each other in a new and non-reactive manner. They are supported by the therapist to take risks in expressing their core sense of self, in asking for the other to be there for them and in requesting understanding and acceptance. Partners take turns reaching out to each other in vulnerability and responding back with empathy creating a new sense of togetherness and secure attachment.

Step 5:
Delve into and identify disowned needs and aspects of self that have been hidden for each partner.

​Step 6:
Promote acceptance of these tender and hidden parts, aspects of self and new ways of relating.

​Step 7:
Facilitate the expression of needs and wants, and restructure the interaction to create true emotional engagement.
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Stage 3 - Consolidation of Change

After the couple has finished the bonding and restructuring events of stage two, they will begin to feel more secure with each other. During stage three, they feel like a team again. The narrative of their relationship has shifted to one where the distress and conflict is understood, resolved, and just part of the story.

Step 8:
Facilitate the emergence of new solutions to old problematic relationship issues.

Step 9:
Consolidate new positions and cycles of emotional closeness and attachment.

Sure, people still fight and sometimes even go back into their cycle. This is normal and will happen especially during times of stress. However, they are able to pull themselves out of it and be there for each other because their sense of self and experience of the relationship has changed. Because of this new ability and sense and during stage three, the focus is more practical and mostly involves consolidating gains and problem solving.

How Psychotherapy Retrains the Brain to Expect (and Feel) Better!

People enter psychotherapy with the desire to feel better, but they are often unsure how therapy will help them accomplish this goal. A common refrain from people hesitant to enter therapy is, “How is talking going to help?” People are used to talking to other people to get practical solutions to problems, and while problem-solving does have a place in therapy, change also occurs on a much deeper and unconscious level. This process has to do with the way the human brain is programmed and cannot easily be mimicked outside of a relationship with a psychotherapist.

Our brains are always evolving unconsciously through our relationships. People who experienced painful relationships growing up have been trained to expect hurtful experiences with others. It takes a new type of relationship—in particular, a therapeutic relationship—to retrain the brain to expect more positive experiences, which is a big part of ultimately feeling better. 

WHY CAN’T A THERAPIST JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO?

To understand why the therapeutic relationship can be so valuable and cannot be mimicked by, for example, advice in a self-help book, it is instructive to look at how the human brain has evolved. Broadly, there are three parts of the human brain that represent different phases of evolution: There is the reptilian brain, which evolved first and is responsible for the automatic control of vital bodily functions such as breathing; the limbic brain, which evolved second and is responsible for the regulation of emotion and behavior; and the neocortex, which evolved last and is responsible for higher-order functions such as symbolic thought, language, and reasoning.

When a person asks their therapist or a friend what they should do about something, they are essentially asking for a neocorticol solution—something that is rational and can be consciously implemented. Often, however, their problems are a result of hurtful experiences in their earlier relationships that have caused changes in their limbic brain, and only a new type of relationship can alter their limbic brain to produce fewer negative emotions and more positive ones.

BRAIN WIRING IN OUR YOUTH: HOW EMOTIONAL ISSUES BEGIN

Our emotions are meant to help us survive in a world in which we need the help of others. Over time, our limbic brains evolved to automatically create emotions, such as anger and sadness, that are meant to help us navigate the social world. When someone mistreats us, evolution has programmed us to become angry to try and change their behavior. When someone rejects us, we feel sad so we can mourn the loss of what we wanted with them and move forward with our lives.

However, when we are young and particularly dependent on others for survival, whether our emotions actually help us navigate the world has a lot to do with how other people—our parents in particular—respond to them. A child who responds to unfair or disappointing experiences with anger and is further punished for doing so may, over time, come to unconsciously pair the expression of anger with pain. As this occurs, rather than directly experiencing anger at times of unfair treatment or disappointment, they may instead experience anxiety about having anger because their brain has been trained by their social environment to expect that anger will hurt rather than help. Their limbic system is in effect attempting to prevent further emotional pain in the form of being punished, but the cost is another type of emotional pain in the form of persistent anxiety. This can be particularly problematic when people enter into new relationships (friendships, romantic relationships) where there would not be the same costs associated with the open expression of an emotion like anger, but earlier experiences still create anxiety and inhibit its expression.

RETRAINING THE BRAIN WITH PSYCHOTHERAPY

A psychotherapy relationship allows a person to essentially retrain their limbic system to no longer expect negative reactions to the expression of certain emotional experiences, and in doing so can alleviate the anxiety and unconscious emotional suppression their earlier experiences programmed into them. The therapeutic relationship does this in part because the parameters of psychotherapy recreate the type of relationship in which a person was first forced to suppress their emotions: one where they are dependent on another person to meet their needs.

A successful course of therapy helps restore a person’s emotional flexibility and empowerment so they can have greater agency in their relationships.

Just as a parent has a daunting task in meeting all of a child’s needs, so too does a psychotherapist, especially since many people arrive to therapy wanting a conscious, rational solution to their problems when such a solution often does not exist. Therapy presents a unique opportunity to heal and feel better by the way the therapist solicits and responds to feelings such as disappointment, anger, and sadness that emerge over the course of treatment. Rather than punishing a person for having these emotional experiences in the same way that may have occurred when they were younger, a therapist can actively solicit, explore, and normalize their feelings. This helps to retrain a person’s limbic system to no longer pair the expression of those emotions with punishment. As this de-coupling unconsciously occurs, the person becomes more easily able to tolerate the experience and expression of emotions.

THRIVING IN ADULTHOOD

This shift in tolerance for emotions naturally causes a person’s anxiety level to diminish because their mind is no longer fighting to ward off their innate emotional impulses. In addition to symptom relief, the beautiful part of this process is it restores a person’s ability to constructively access their emotions for their original purpose—as a way of helping to navigate the social world. It is hard to thrive in relationships when we have been programmed to believe we must accept the mistreatment of others or that we cannot show others when we are hurting and in need of care. As adults, this is often no longer the case, but our early experiences may make such underlying beliefs unconsciously feel true.

A successful course of therapy helps restore a person’s emotional flexibility and empowerment so they can have greater agency in their relationships. The result can be genuinely transformative, and studies suggest people who have been through therapy show less activity in the areas of the brain responsible for creating negative emotions. Talking, it turns out, can help quite a bit when the person you are talking to is a skilled and compassionate therapist.

If you’re struggling, reach out to a therapist in your area for help.

References:

1. Bowlby, J. (2005). A secure base: Clinical applications of attachment theory (Vol. 393). UK: Taylor & Francis.

2. Cozolino, L. (2010). The neuroscience of psychotherapy: Healing the social brain. New York, NY: W.W. Norton & Company.

3. Damasio, A. R. (2006). Descartes’ error. New York, NY: Random House.

4. Grecucci, A., Theuninck, A., Frederickson, J., & Job, R. (2015). Mechanisms of social emotion regulation: From neuroscience to psychotherapy. In Emotion regulation: Processes, cognitive effects and social consequences, pp.57-84.

5. Karlsson, H. (2011). How psychotherapy changes the brain: Understanding the mechanisms. Psychiatric Times, 21.

6. Lewis, T., Amini, F., & Lannon, R. (2007). A general theory of love. New York, NY: Vintage.

7. MacLean, P. D. (1990). The triune brain in evolution: Role in paleocerebral functions. Berlin: Springer Science & Business Media.

Narcissistic Abuse: Tips for Recognizing and Recovering

When I bring up the word “Abuse” with my clients I notice they are prone to discount their experience because they don’t’ see their situation as being “real abuse.” Abuse is a spectrum, and the word doesn’t do justice to describe the many forms of subtle and overt abusive behaviors and toxic relational dynamics. Narcissistic abuse is a very real form of abuse. The power and control dynamics might not include physical or sexual violence, although they can, but the psychological, emotional, interpersonal, and spiritual effects devastate individuals who find themselves trapped in the narcissistic abuse cycle. This post intends to do two things: 

1. Describe the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse to help those suffering recognize they are not “crazy.” This is a definable pattern that many others are experiencing.

2. Provide some practical tools and tips to cope and eventually recover from said abuse.

The narcissistic abuse cycle can be defined as a “pattern of highs and lows in which the narcissist confuses their partner through manipulation and calculated behaviors aimed at making their partner question themselves” (Hammond, 2015). I want to make it clear that your partner does not have to have an official diagnosis of “narcissist” for your situation to be a valid case of narcissistic abuse. Media and pop culture usually only portray the most extreme examples of narcissism thus exacerbating the problem and preventing victims from getting help. 

The cycle involves three phases that work in tandem with each other. 

The first stage is Idealization. 

This is the stage where your partner makes you feel like the most special person in the world. The term “love bombing” comes to mind. You might feel as if you’ve never been loved or adored for like this before. The pursuer will become vigilant in giving attention to you and will shower their “target” with gifts, compliments, and promises. 

The idealization phase may include: 

• Love-bombing

• A lot of attention given to partner

• Grandiose gestures

• Elaborate gifts and dates

• Discussing marriage

• Lack of boundaries

• Attempts to isolate partner in the name of love

• Quickly moving into intimacy

• Creates a sense of ownership of partner and the relationship (Hammond, 2015).

The second phase is devaluation.

During this stage, you might start to notice your partner acting one way with you and one way in public which makes it hard to understand which person they really are. If you express concern, you might be labeled as “jealous” or “needy” or a “nag,” The disillusionment at this stage makes some cling harder to the memory of when things were ideal. You might have an intuitive feeling that something is wrong but because of the hot and cold nature of their affection for a time, it is easier to push that voice down. A huge red flag is that you begin to doubt yourself. You begin to see the real person for who they are, and you notice more incongruency in their behavior. This is where the abuse really starts to hurt and many start to exhibit anxiety, depression, obsessive thoughts, develop a trauma bond, amongst other symptoms. Visit this resource to learn more. This is where people get trapped because they are so beaten down and confused, it seems easier to just stay for fear of what might happen or what threats might be made.  

The devaluation phase might include:  

• Attempting to change their partner

• Increasing criticism and insults

• Gaslighting

• Physical threats

• Poor communication

• Increased violation of boundaries

• Triangulation

• More isolation or control over their partner

• Withholding physical, emotional, and sexual intimacy (Hammond, 2015).

Finally, the third phase is rejection. 

In this phase, the narcissistic partner rejects their partner and essentially places complete blame of the downfall of the relationship on their partner. In healthy relationships conflicts and disagreements are navigated with patience, grace, and the use of helpful problem solving skills. In narcissistic abuse relationships, there are no compromises. It is if the victimized partner doesn’t even exist, and they begin to lose any power or autonomy. Sometimes the cycle repeats itself over and over. Sometimes, once the phases are complete, the abuser become disinterested and finds another partner to begin another cycle with. 

The rejection phase may include: 

• Feelings of contempt and rage

• Betraying the relationship

• Invalidating their partner’s emotions and placing all the blame on them

• Playing the victim

• Physical, emotional, and verbal abuse

• Ending the relationship permanently or temporarily with attempts to continue this cycle of abuse (Hammond, 2015).

Now that I have described, briefly, common signs and symptoms of the narcissistic abuse, I will provide some tips for coping. At the end of the article, I have provided additional resources for you to begin your journey to safety and recovery. 

1. Label the Abuse

Once you recognize the abuse and have educated yourself about it labeling it is a vital step towards healing. Consider communicating what you are learning out loud to a trusted person.  

2. End the relationship if you haven’t already done that.

Get in touch with a trusted person, a professional, or your family to create a safety plan if necessary before you leave. 

3. Set Clear and Specific Boundaries

Setting clear boundaries requires discipline but it is vital to protect you from getting manipulated or tricked again. If you share children with your ex-partner and must make contact, make sure you have clear boundaries and a safety plan.  

4. Seek Support

The resources attached to this blog are a great way to find support during this hard time. Additionally, reaching out to a therapist will help you tell your side of the story, be validated, and learn how to grief. A therapist can support you in creating new patterns of living and implement new coping skills. 

5. Rediscover Yourself

In many cases, the abusive relationship has taken over your mind, emotions, physical health, and schedule. Once you are ready it is important you take the time to rediscover who you are, what you want, what you like, what you enjoy, what you need, and how you want to see yourself. This can seem daunting but there is not rush. Rediscovering ourselves is a life long process and we change throughout life. The key is that you recognize you have been deprived of your voice and allow yourself to rediscover it. 

There is no way I can describe all that narcissistic abuse is and how to recover in this short blog but my hope for you is that you feel validated and affirmed if you or someone you know is suffering or trapped in this cycle. There is hope, people can leave their partner, grief the loss, and heal. If you are unsure if you want to start therapy as a part of your healing, I offer free consultations and it would be a pleasure to hear your story and get to know you!

By Shaundra McGuire, MFTI Book With Shaundra: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ShaundraMcguireMFTI

Additional Resources: 

Stages of Narcissistic Abuse - Narcissist Abuse Support

https://narcissisticabusevictims.org/

You Are Not Alone - Educate Yourself - Find Support - Get Healed - Find Peace Again - Narcissist Abuse Support