Healthy ways to Manage Stress and Anxiety

Stress and anxiety are emotions we often experience that cause us to feel a tightening in our body, making it harder to breathe, and bringing in negative thoughts. While experiencing these emotions from time to time is completely normal and serves a purpose, we can not allow these feelings to dictate our lives. This blog post will explore the different ways we can manage and control our stress and anxiety.

1. Take a minute to pause and think: When experiencing stress and anxiety it is important to pause and understand why we are feeling this way. Doing so will allow us to pinpoint what is causing our stress and anxiety and help us figure out what to do next.

2. Breathing exercises/ meditation: Take a minute to purposefully control your breathing. Doing so will allow you to focus on one specific thing and slow down you’re thinking and your heart rate. Meditation does the same exact thing; it allows you to intentionally think about one thing without outside distractions and other thoughts.

3. Get up and move: Sometimes the best way to release any pent-up anxiety and stress is to get up and move. Whether it be going for a walk/ run, going to the gym, or swimming, getting out that extra energy can help us release any unresolved or stress-inducing thoughts or emotions.

4. Getting enough sleep & eating a well-balanced meal: I know, I know you hear it often enough. Get 8 hours of sleep and eat healthily. As much as we don’t like to hear it, getting the right amount of sleep and eating right fuels our body with the right kind of energy that will propel us through the day. When we have that healthy energy we are less likely to become anxious and stressed because our bodies are charged and primed to take on difficult tasks.

5. Accept that you cannot control everything: We as humans have the instinct to want to be in control of everything in our lives, that way nothing can stop us from what we want to do. Unfortunately, it is not realistic for us to be able to control everything. We have to take accountability for ourselves, but also realize that there is a variable of life that will constantly be unknown. That can be scary to understand that we don’t have control of a lot of things, but we can find solace in the things we can control, ourselves and our reactions.

6. Positive Self-Talk: One great way to manage our stress and anxiety is to work on our positive self-talk. When we hear those negative voices making us anxious, we can combat them with positive thoughts or accept that we made a mistake and move forward without getting stuck in that negative loop. A great way to combat those anxious thoughts is to think about all the things you are grateful for at that moment or what you have done great so far today. Doing so will not only get rid of those negative thoughts, but it will also boost your self-esteem.

7. Self-Care: Finally, keeping up with your own self-care regimen will help keep your stress and anxiety at bay. We often think of self-care as taking bubble baths and relaxing, but it isn’t only that. Self-care is about evaluating where you are and what your needs are and taking the time to meet those needs. Just like getting enough sleep and eating a balanced meal, self-care allows your body to recharge with the right kind of energy you need to get through the day without being stressed out and anxious.

Although we may never be able to get rid of stress and anxiety, we have the tools to better manage those feelings. Utilizing these tools will allow us to not become overwhelmed when we feel anxious and stressed out. Instead, we will be better able to analyze where these feelings are coming from and meet whatever need is not being meant. 

By Bailey McConnell, MFTI

Resources

Powell, T., & Enright, S. (2015). Anxiety and stress management. Routledge. 

Ratanasiripong, P., Park, J. F., Ratanasiripong, N., & Kathalae, D. (2015). Stress and anxiety management in nursing students: Biofeedback and mindfulness meditation. Journal of Nursing Education, 54(9), 520-524.

Tips to Manage Anxiety and Stress. Anxiety & Depression Association of America. (2021, September 28). Retrieved from https://adaa.org/tips 

Van den Bergh, O. (2021). Principles and practice of stress management. Guilford Publications.

Book an appointment with Bailey McConnell, MFTI

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/BaileyMcConnellMFTI

Exploring Healthy Relationships

Whether we like it or not from the minute we are born we are involved in relationships with others, whether that be a mother, a father, a sibling, a friend, or a romantic partner. Relationships can be difficult to manage at times and might even become toxic. One might be wondering, what are healthy relationships and what do they look like? This blog post will talk more about this very topic. 

Healthy relationships are relationships that individuals have with one another person that brings each person joy and happiness most of the time. These relationships should be equal in balance (What do healthy relationships look like, 2022). Meaning that each person in the relationship has an equal amount of say and freedom.  Healthy relationships take the work of both parties involved. Not one person should be more in power or put in more effort than the other. This means that partners need to compromise and come together to build a stronger relationship. The key components of healthy relationships are:

1. Respect: partners must respect one another on all levels to form a healthy relationship. This might look like being open to what the other is saying, thinking, or feeling and allowing them the space to do so. Respect for some individuals is earned over time. That is why it is important to be authentically you. Allow the other person to see who you are. Respect must be given by both partners. That means that both partners need to have mutual respect, even if it is on a basic level. Another way to express respect in relationships is by upholding the other person’s boundaries.

2. Boundaries: boundaries are rules and or lines that are set by each partner on what they think is acceptable behavior and what is not. Keeping firm boundaries with each partner is a form of having order and structure in the relationship. These boundaries need to be clearly communicated to the other partner.

3. Open Communication: keeping a line of open communication in relationships is vital. This might look like telling your partner what you are thinking or how you are feeling. Not communicating your wants, needs, or plans can cause unwarranted conflict or resentment. Having those open lines of communication allows each partner to be vulnerable with the other, which in turn builds trust.

4. Trust: trust is another very important topic in relationships. One must feel comfortable enough with the other person to know that they will not try to intentionally hurt them or spill their confidential information to others. This might look like allowing your partner to help you work on a project or to tell them something you haven’t before. If there is no trust in the relationship, then the intimacy and compassion between partners cannot grow.

5. Honesty: Being honest with your partner can be very difficult. Especially if you know that the truth might hurt their feelings. However, being honest lends itself to having respect for your partner and honoring the open lines of communication. Meaning that if the truth is not said, then it can hurt or destroy the respect, open communication, and boundaries you have built with your partner.

6. Consent: Consent in relationships truly embodies all the points we have covered thus far. From respecting one another and building boundaries, knowing what your partner agrees to and does not agree to is very important when respecting that person and building a healthy relationship. Consent does not just involve sexual experiences it can also encompass touching some physically (not sexual in nature), meeting each other’s family, going somewhere.

Although these guidelines for healthy relationships are written in a way that applies more to romantic relationships, these concepts of healthy relationships apply to all kinds of relationships. Whether it be with friends, parents, siblings, or extended family members healthy relationships can be made and maintained with anyone in your life. If you are not sure if you are having a healthy relationship with someone, take a minute to thinks about these guidelines. Are there boundaries in this relationship? Are you being respected? Are there lines of healthy communication? If not maybe it is time to sit down and make these ideas a reality or maybe seek further help from a professional. 

 By Bailey McConnell, MHCI

Resources

Roffey, S. (2017). Learning healthy relationships. In Positive Psychology Interventions in 

Practice (pp. 163-181). Springer, Cham.

What do healthy relationships look like? New York State. (2022, February 9). Retrieved from https://www.ny.gov/teen-dating-violence-awareness-and-prevention/what-does-healthy-relationship-look 

Book an appointment with Bailey McConnell, MHCI:

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/BaileyMcConnellMFTI

3 Way to Help Your Anxious Child

Watching your child struggle with anxiety can be heartbreaking and leave parents feeling lost and helpless about how to help their child. On top of feeling helpless, as the anxiety grows, you may find that you are sacrificing more and more to lessen its effects on your child. The good news is that anxiety is treatable and there are things parents can do to help their kids overcome it. 

Here are three tips for helping your child through their anxiety:

1. Don’t avoid it

   • Anxiety grows bigger and stronger when we allow it to tell us what we can and cannot do. It might relieve the distress and uncomfortable feelings for a day, but it only reinforces the idea that avoiding what makes someone anxious is the only way to overcome it.

   • For many parents, when their child is in distress, their natural instinct is to try to help their child by taking what is causing that distress away. When dealing with anxiety, it makes sense why encouraging a child to face their fears and subjecting them to discomfort is counterintuitive for a lot of parents. However, supporting your child through doing scary things and not helping them avoid what triggers their anxiety, only works to make the anxiety bigger.

1. Offer Support

• Another way to respond when your child’s anxiety shows up is to offer them support through it. Support in this sense involves two parts. First, acknowledge what your child is feeling. Let them know that you see it is hard for them and empathize with what they are going through. Second, instill confidence in them that no matter what happens you know they will get through it. We may not be able to assure them that everything will be okay but they can make it through the hard feelings.

• If your child is suffering from severe anxiety and is not ready to face their fears, start small and introduce them to the idea that avoidance only makes the anxiety worse. Starting a conversation with them about how they think they should start facing the anxiety is a great way to get them involved.

1. Find a therapist

• Finding a therapist who is CBT informed can make a huge difference in the life of an anxious child or teen. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy allows a child to be gradually exposed to things that trigger their anxiety in a safe setting. Children can also learn techniques for identifying their anxious feelings and valuable coping skills for when they come up.

• Therapists can also work with parents to focus on behavioral changes that parents can make to increase their child’s tolerance to anxiety. Parents and therapists work to gradually decrease accommodations that the family may be making that are not only making the anxiety bigger, but may also be causing a lot of stress to the family as a whole.

By Amanda Kohl, MCHI

SCHEDULE AN APPOINTMENT with Amanda Kohl, MCHI: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/AmandaKohlMHCI

9 Tips for Successful Compromise

Have you ever found yourself in the middle of a conflict with someone and it feels like nothing is getting resolved? When people have different desires, they'll often try to compromise. But sometimes when we compromise, we don't actually focus on what we NEED. In this article I'm going to share some tips on how you can successfully negotiate compromises so that both parties needs are met.

First of all, it's important to remember that compromise doesn't mean both people will get exactly what they want. Both parties need to be willing to make changes in order for the negotiation process to work out well. If someone isn't open-minded enough about making compromises then you'll just end up fighting over who gets their way and nothing will get resolved. According to John Gottman, two opposing forces creates gridlocked issues. The main point of compromise is that you'll be happy with the final result, even if it's not exactly what either party originally wanted.

Here are 9 tips for successfully negotiating compromises:

Tip #01: Know what you want. This may seem like a no-brainer, but it's important to be clear about what you want in any situation. If both parties know exactly what their needs are then it'll be easier to brainstorm collaboratively to come up with a solution that works for everyone.

Tip #02: Continue to create clarity to ask for what you want. Just as importantly, don't be afraid to ask the other person for what they want. This will help create an open dialogue and show that both parties are willing to work together.

Tip #03: Stay Attuned and present. Don't make assumptions about what the other person needs. We often make assumptions about what the other person wants, and this can lead to misunderstandings. It's important to clarify what the other person is asking for so that there isn't any confusion.

Tip #04: Take responsibility for your part in the conflict. Don't be defensive. As soon as you become defensive, it becomes very difficult to negotiate anything. Try to stay calm and open-minded, even if the other person is being difficult. The antidote to defensiveness is taking some responsibility and accepting influence from others.

Tip #05: Soften your start-up and begin the conversation from a neutral standpoint. Don't be confrontational. This goes along with Tip #04 - don't try to force the other person to see things your way. It's important to maintain a positive and constructive dialogue, even if it's challenging at times. Continually regulate your emotions and self sooth during the conversation to avoid becoming emotionally flooded.

Tip #06: Listen actively. This is one of the most important things you can do in any negotiation. If you're not actively listening to what the other person is saying, then you won't be able to understand their perspective and come up with a resolution that works for everyone.

Tip #07: Listen without interrupting. Along the same lines, don't interrupt the other person while they're speaking. This will make it difficult for the conversation to move forward in a constructive way.

Tip #08: Hold space and try to simply understand your partner. Don't feel like you have to be right all of the time. If both people are open-minded about change, then there's no reason why you can't find an appropriate solution that works for both parties.

Tip #09: Be flexible and willing to compromise. When you're negotiating compromises, remember that if one person is inflexible the negotiation process won't work out well for anyone. Being open-minded about making changes will help resolve conflicts quickly so everyone can get needs met.

Family Counseling: Communication Skills to Meet Everyone’s Needs

Nonviolent Communication and the Impact of Mediation

“Our ability to offer empathy can allow us to stay vulnerable, defuse potential violence, help us hear the word ‘no’ without taking it as a rejection, revive lifeless conversation, and even hear the feelings and needs expressed through silence.”

– Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD.

What is the impact of mediation and what is the role NVC plays?

Mediation, also known as conflict resolution, is the process of helping to resolve a conflict. Usually someone not involved in the conflict plays the role of mediator.

Conflicts can be scary, not only because of the threat of violence, but also due to other potential consequences such as emotional disconnection or missed opportunities.

Conflict can be especially unnerving when you don’t have the tools, skills, experience — and therefore the confidence — to de-escalate, reduce tensions, and bring the conflict to a resolution.

When conflicts are not handled well the results include emotional distancing and resentments, and in the worst of circumstances people die as a result.

There are many methods and modalities for resolving conflicts. For example, one common modality is known as interest-based mediation, in which there is a distinction made between “interests” and “positions.” A position is defined as a rigid strategy, an approach around which one of the parties has become inflexible. Interests focus on what is important, keeping in mind that there may be several ways to satisfy an interest.

Nonviolent Communication focuses on needs-basedmediation. In other words, what an NVC-informed mediator has the opportunity to do is to go deeper than interests to the Universal Human Needs. The reason this is so helpful is that interests are not universal, but needs are! Most any human can relate to any of the Universal Human Needs, whereas interests could be very personal and specific.

When you can distill any conflict to the underlying needs it’s easier for each person to see the other’s humanity since we all share the same needs.

Below is a simple graphic showing needs and strategies along a spectrum. You can roughly think of it as going from more universal to less, as you go from left to right. “The Need” — at the very left of the graphic — refers to what some people call God, Love, Great Spirit, The Great Mystery, Life, and other names. From there, we see Universal Human Needs, followed by values. One thing to note is that, while values are important to us and deeply held, they are not universal! The same is true for interests.

The key differentiation in NVC that is most relevant here is that of needs vs strategies.

Strategies are critically important because they are the ways we go about meeting needs.

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, founder of NVC, used to say that conflicts cannot happen at the level of needs (because we all have the same needs), and that they only happen at the level of strategies. This is why separating the needs from the strategies is so valuable. Once we can distinguish the two we might find multiple strategies that could meet the same set of needs.

For example, when you consider your need for safety and protection, one possible strategy is to go out and meet all your neighbors. This strategy would be in support of your needs for safety and protection. Let’s say another neighbor also connects to the same needs, but their chosen strategy is to buy firearms to protect themselves; it’s the same need — totally different strategy. Another neighbor buys two very scary looking dogs, another neighbor buys an alarm system — and so forth.

One of the lessons here is that for any set of needs, there could be 100, 1000 or 10,000 strategies!

An NVC mediator will help people understand their own and each other’s deeper needs and values and facilitate the co-creation of strategies that can meet the most needs for the most people.

Compromise vs win-win

When working to resolve a conflict many mediators work toward some kind of compromise. NVC would say that if “compromise” is as far as you can get, then at least that’s better than conflict. But NVC does notaim for compromise! Why? Because most people’s definition of compromise means that each person gives up something important, or gives in to the other person, in order to “meet in the middle.” This often leads to less-than-satisfying outcomes as well as resistance and sometimes resentment. Compromise is sometimes experienced as “lose-lose” — whereas NVC aims for “win-win” also known as mutually satisfying solutions.

Because of Nonviolent Communication’s clarity of separating needs and strategies, it is usually possible to find strategies that meet all the needs of the people involved.

Co-created, mutually-satisfying outcomes are more effective and durable than decisions imposed by others or arrived at hastily without an understanding of the needs.

A seasoned NVC practitioner can see this distinction clearly, and will be flexible on the strategies while staying connected to and looking out for their needs. It almost doesn’t matter what the strategy is as long as the needs themselves are fulfilled.

An NVC-trained mediator will also help and encourage their clients to do the same: stay connected to and protect their needs even while being as flexible as possible — even creative — with regard to the strategies.

When a mediation is most successful, the impact is a path forward through which everyone’s needs can be met peacefully, trust is re-built, and friendships and alliances can be restored.

How NVC Skills are Helpful During a Mediation

How are NVC skills helpful during a mediation?

An NVC-trained mediator can ensure that each person in the conflict gets the empathy they need ahead of a mediation session. This results in each person having greater connection with their feelings, needs, and potential requests — as well as coming into the session with a lower emotional charge!

NVC skills also help a mediator do self-care during a very intense mediation, usually in the form of self-empathy.

An NVC-trained mediator will be able to skillfully handle any judgments that emerge in order to walk people through their conflict situation toward a resolution.

During the mediation, NVC skills help the parties hear and understand each other in a deeper way, and can facilitate their co-creation of a solution.

When the parties to a mediation themselves have NVC skills it can be a game-changer for many similar reasons. During the mediation they can give themselves self-empathy, they will more easily access empathy for the other party, and will know how to express themselves in a clear, powerful, constructive, and compassionate way.

Helping people know their feelings and needs better, supporting the creation of mutual understanding, and facilitating people in co-creating their own durable, mutually-satisfying outcomes — these are just some of the ways in which NVC skills can be helpful during a mediation.

The Right Time to Seek Mediation Services

What is the right time to seek mediation services?

The best time to seek third party support in a conflict is when it is still small, before things escalate. This is when most people think they can manage their conflict on their own, and so the tendency is to “go it alone” and not seek support.

Once a conflict has escalated, most people don’t have the skills to handle it effectively.

So that would be the next best time to seek mediation services: when you can’t, on your own, bring the conflict to a resolution.

Another indicator that it might be time to look for an outside mediator is if you are not able to access empathy for the other person. It is unlikely that a conflict will resolve itself under these circumstances.

These are some indicators that it would be the “right time” to seek mediation services.

Family Mediation and Resolving Conflicts

Families are the foundation of society. They help you form, as a child, your sense of safety, the world, relationships, how to relate to money, how to belong and fit in, and more. Families are SO important!

And at the same time, the pattern is that our closest relationships are the most challenging ones!

Why is this? It can be for different reasons in different situations, but generally, we have more emotionally invested in those relationships and often our expectations are higher. It’s also easier to create a static image in your mind of who you think a person is when you’ve known them a long time. This also means that it can be difficult to have others trust that you have grown, improved, or changed if they have a static image in their mind of who you are. Unfortunately this happens often in close, family relationships.

Many families resist support for the conflicts they experience. There may be shame, embarrassment, a desire to appear like everything is fine which often comes from needs for belonging and acceptance. And some families have the story “we don’t air our dirty laundry in public” — which misses the point that mediation is usually private and confidential.

This resistance often leads to families isolating which frequently results in exacerbating the underlying issues that led to the conflict in the first place.

There is a dangerous myth in many Western cultures, and particularly in the US, that says, I must go it alone. This gets extended to couples and families who then decide to forgo opportunities for vital support.

The opportunity is to notice that couples and families exist in the context of community, and to avail yourself of all the resources you need to move forward in a healthy and positive way.

The process itself of mediating in a family is the same as it is in most settings. Here is a simplified version:

Person A: Speaks their honesty
Person B: Reflects back their understanding
Person A: Confirms being understood
Person B: Speaks their honesty
Person A: Reflects back their understanding
Person B: Confirms being understood
Back to the top

A skilled mediator will help each of the parties hear each other and deepen their mutual understanding. Then, from that foundation, a mediator will facilitate their co-creation of strategies that could meet all the needs.

Even before getting an outside mediator, it’s critically important that adults in a family do not use the children either as mediators or to get empathy!

It creates a lot of distress for children to be placed in an emotional support role among adults! Each adult must have at least one person outside the relationship or the family where they can have an empathic outlet. In some cases this could be the mediator themselves. In other cases, you can reach out to a trusted family friend who will stay neutral, or a counselor or therapist.

This is another advantage of placing your relationship and your family in a larger community context: more resources for support and more support in general.

These are a few tips and pointers on family mediation and conflict resolution.

Divorce Mediation and the Importance of Reaching a Resolution Nonviolently

Childhood trauma from high-conflict divorces is quite commonplace in the United States — and the effects are devastating for children.

To be clear, there is a world of difference between a high conflict divorce (HCD) and a low conflict divorce (LCD).

In divorce situations, children are negatively affected by:

• Any insinuation that it’s their fault,

• Yelling, shouting, and verbal insults,

• Physical violence including objects being thrown,

• Parents talking poorly about the other parent in front of them or behind their back — and all other ways in which parents undermine the child’s trust in or care for the other parent.

Low conflict divorces can be very different.

In many cases people divorce because they have grown apart, or have decided they each want different things. This in itself does not need to be a source of conflict!

It’s possible to allow relationships to transition with care and integrity — with each person getting to the point that they understand the others’ needs and are able to co-create mutually agreeable strategies.

After all, Western cultures have been redefining relationships since the 1960s — and have not yet arrived at a stable cultural replacement for what makes sense to everyone.

For example, much of the culture defines the success of a relationship by the longevity or duration of that relationship — particularly if people stay together until one of them dies. This definition includes couples who live basically as housemates — perhaps they don’t even talk to or like each other — but because they were together for decades until one of them died it’s considered a successful relationship!

Is it possible to get divorced and keep your family together? Alan Rafael Seid, one of the CNVC Certified Trainers with whom we work, has provided this link to an audio in which he tells the story of his NVC separation and divorce. Alan and his wife successfully transitioned their relationship from “husband” and “wife” to “friends and joyful co-parents.” You can listen to his story here.

If you are considering or are in a divorce, another resource for you could be the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals (IACP): https://www.collaborativepractice.com/
One note about the IACP is that they are aware of NVC but it is not core to what they do.

You can also read our article on NVC and Divorce.

Marshall Rosenberg and Mediation

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg understood that conflicts have the potential to bring us together, to understand each other more deeply, and to lead to solutions of mutual benefit.

He also understood the limitations of trying to mediate or resolve a conflict when you are under-resourced.

He told a story about the dangers of not getting enough empathy.

Dr. Rosenberg was leading a series of trainings in Israel and Palestine, and his Palestinian friend was also serving as his interpreter and driver.

One day, after visiting the holocaust museum in Israel, they were crossing the Israel-Palestine border. Dr. Rosenberg recounted that he had been profoundly shaken by his experience at the museum. As they were crossing the border the guards were pleasant enough to him, but when he saw a guard treat his friend roughly he reacted at the armed Israeli soldier with some intensity: “Get your hands off of him!” In that instance, Dr. Rosenberg’s Palestinian friend and interpreter immediately began offering empathy to the soldier: “I understand that you have a stressful job and it must be very tense…”

After getting through the border without further incident, Marshall reflected on how he had been in an empathy deficit after the holocaust museum and had not realized it. Under normal circumstances he would have handled things differently, but his level of unattended pain meant he was under-resourced and more on edge.

This provides a great lesson for those of us in conflict or who help others with their conflicts.

Whether you are a mediator or a party to a mediation, it can be a valuable investment to enter a session well-resourced: well-rested, hydrated, fed, and having received as much empathy as necessary or possible before a conflict mediation session.

Content by PuddleDancer Press. Use of content okay with attribution. Please visitwww.nonviolentcommunication.comto learn more about Nonviolent Communication.

Outward Signs of Childhood Anxiety

It is not unusual for children to sometimes feel anxious. When starting a new school, a child might worry about making friends, or a young child might be afraid of the dark. However, if the anxiety a child experiences turns into something more serious like an anxiety disorder, it may begin to interfere with many areas of their life and their family’s lives. Children do not always have the language to express what they are feeling and even though they are being impacted by the anxiety, parents may not realize that anxiety is what they are dealing with.

Anxiety is internal and can consume a child’s thoughts which can make it even more difficult to identify. It can be expressed outwardly though, and knowing the outward signs can help you more easily identify if anxiety is something your child may struggle with. Below are just a few outward signs that may suggest your child is dealing with anxiety:

Physical signs –

· Frequent stomachaches or headaches

· Refusing to eat lunch at school

· Fidgety or distracted (without ADHD)

· Trouble sleeping

· Constantly tenses muscles

Emotional Signs –

· Frequent crying

· Very sensitive

· Worries about things that are far in the future

· Frequent nightmares about losing loved ones

· May have explosive outbursts

· Excessive need for reassurance and approval

Behavioral Signs –

· Avoids joining classroom activities

· Has meltdowns or tantrums

· Avoids social situations with other kids

· Asks “what if?” constantly

· Clingy around parents and caregivers

· Remains silent when expected to work with others

· Inability to speak in certain social situations

It is difficult to watch your child struggle and it can affect your entire family’s routines and interactions but there are evidence-based treatments like CBT that help children cope with the distressing emotions they feel and learn how to regulate themselves. Over time, therapy also helps kids learn that they can tolerate feeling anxious.

Understanding what anxiety is can help you find the best solution to help your child. If you think your child is dealing with anxiety, a mental health professional can help determine whether the symptoms are temporary responses to a difficult situation or if the symptoms are related to an anxiety disorder.

By: Amanda Kohl, MCHI

Resources

Why childhood anxiety often goes undetected (and the consequences). Child Mind Institute. (2021, August 17). Retrieved February 14, 2022, from https://childmind.org/article/detecting-childhood-anxiety/

Wright, L. W. (2022, February 4). Signs of anxiety in young kids. Understood. Retrieved February 14, 2022, from https://www.understood.org/articles/en/anxiety-signs-young-children

SCHEDULE AN APPOINTMENT with Amanda Kohl, MCHI: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/AmandaKohlMHCI

LOVE IS NOT OUT OF OUR CONTROL: The Science of Love and the Power of Intimacy

Popular culture and mass media’s influence on how we conceptualize love creates a grossly unrealistic expectation. We’re all too familiar with the cliché Disney princess or Hallmark protagonist “happening” upon their soul mate. Their connection is portrayed as an intangible energetic exchange that cannot be explained. Not only are these stories idealistic, but they tend to only display heteronormative relationships and fail to represent diversity in relationships. These tales suggest we ought to just to sit on our hands and wait for love to happen to us. Finally, these narratives assume love is an instantaneous “love at first sight.” Feelings of attraction, affection, and desire can certainly occurs instantly but for anyone who has experienced true intimacy they know that tending to the garden of love takes time. Maria Popova’s article The Science of Love, poses alternative ideas about what love really is. Following is a summary of her key points, but I encourage you to read the full article as it might just enhance your love life. 

Popova acknowledges that Love is an emotion, as it is inherently pleasurable and can feel like a comforting hug for the heart. Like other emotions, love literally changes the brain. Love, however, is distinct from other emotions because it is relationally shared. It is created by connection having less to do with a private feeling but more so the interchange between you and the other. For example, you can say “I am afraid” and that feeling solely belongs to you, but this is not the case with love. Popova says: 

“Love expands your awareness of your surroundings, even your sense of self. The boundaries between you and not-you — what lies beyond your skin — relax and become more permeable. While infused with love you see fewer distinctions between you and others. Indeed, your ability to see others — really see them, wholeheartedly — springs open. Love can even give you a palpable sense of oneness and connection, a transcendence that makes you feel part of something far larger than yourself.” 

Popova explains that love is a unique emotion. It can transcend self and make one feel connected to something bigger and more meaningful, but these micro-moments of love can be fleeting! What do we do then when we aren’t “infused with love” and the feeling fades? What is the love that we have the power to create and can weather the storms of life? INTIMACY. 

“The hallmark feature of intimacy is mutual responsiveness, that reassuring sense that you and your lover — or you and your best friend — really ‘get’ each other. This means that you come to your interactions with a well-developed understanding of each other’s inner workings, and you use that privileged knowledge thoughtfully, for each other’s benefit. Intimacy is that safe and comforting feeling you get when you can bask in the knowledge that this other person truly understands and appreciates you. You can relax in this person’s presence and let your guard down. Your mutual sense of trust, perhaps reinforced by your commitments of loyalty to each other, allows each of you to be more open with each other than either of you would be elsewhere.” 

Who doesn’t long for that? But developing intimacy takes time. It grows over time from intentional actions, active listening, and attunement to the needs of you and your partner. Humans are wired to crave instant gratification and quick fixes so it’s not always easy. It is completely understandable that we become dissatisfied when the sparks fade, and the honeymoon period ends. It can feel impossible to muster the motivation to build (or rebuild) intimacy especially in cases of betrayal or chronic exhaustion from constant arguing over finances...the kids…household duties… etc. Sometimes, it doesn’t seem worth the trouble, but humans are also wired for connection and love. Research suggest that remaining in an unhappy partnership can increase health risks, depression, and cause other adverse effects. Choosing to stay stagnant is costly, yet there is hope for true intimacy. 

We have learned that love is not out of our control or merely a fleeting feeling, it is something we can create. Every hour a couple spends in therapy or working on their relationship is an hour closer to the benefits of love and intimacy (and the benefits are many). Therapy provides a safe space to learn how to change dysfunctional patters, explore your partner, and gain effective tools to use throughout the week. The therapist acts as a mediator and guide skillfully directing the conversation towards healing rather than repeating the cycle of blame and misunderstanding. It is completely possible, over time, to become friends and lovers once again. It is possible to heal relational wounds and truly forgive one another. Imagine what it would be like to no longer feel completely unseen, alone, and like a victim. Imagine waking up with hope and anticipation for your partner. Spend some time meditating, journaling, or even just imagining what you want in your relationship. If you and your partner choose to begin the journey towards intimacy the pleasurable feelings of love will return: like a warm hug for the heart. 

Shaundra McGuire

Shaundra is a compassionate supervised therapist providing skilled counseling to teens and adults with various diagnosis. She has provided trauma counseling to survivors of sexual violence and is experienced in treating eating disorders as well as facilitating marriage and family therapy. Using a multidimensional approach Shaundra’s passion is to join hands with her clients in achieving health and healing. Both In-Person sessions (Mondays and Tuesdays) and Virtual sessions are available.

Shaundra McGuire, MFTI 813-298-8905 Shaundra1@usf.edu  PsychologyToday Profile:  https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/shaundra-mcguire-tampa-fl/930496  Book With Shaundra: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ShaundraMcguireMFTI  Virtual Visits: https://doxy.me/shaundra

5 Ways to Make Decisions When You Have Anxiety

I’ve been hearing the phrase “full body yes” a lot lately. Maybe your favorite travel influencer moved to Bali because she felt in her whole body that it was the right decision. Maybe your favorite podcast host decided to finally write a book because everything in them said “YES.” It’s gaining traction in casual conversation and the concept has good intentions and can be very helpful to some people in their decision making. However, what happens when you have anxiety and nothing is a full body yes? Actually, everything right now might feel like a “full body absolutely not we should just stay home” but you have to make decisions and live your life anyway. 

The physical symptoms of anxiety include sweating, shaking, gastrointestinal issues (fancy words for stomachache), clenching of the jaw or muscles, and plenty of other unhelpful things that can show up even when you’re not doing anything. They might even show up when doing something you love. If you’re looking for cues from your body about what the right decision is and you have anxiety, that might not be the first, and certainly not the only, place to look. 

Here are a few ways to make your decision making easier and clearer so even when you feel anxious, you can stand firm in what you’ve decided:

• Recognize your anxiety for what it is and what it is not
  

  • Reflect on the situation at hand. Is there something distressing happening in the present moment that your worrying and hypervigilance is helping you overcome? If not, chances are it is the anxiety clouding your experience of reality and misjudging the gravity of what you’re doing. When those symptoms like muscle tension, nausea, or whatever else comes up, ask yourself “are these worries legitimate?” Some may be but some might also be fear of failure, judgement and the unknown.
    
    

• Allow Good Enough to be Good Enough
  

• Not every choice we make will be life changing and most things are not permanent. When anxiety shows up, it can make people feel like they’re not qualified to do anything unless they are experts and know how to do it perfectly. This is a lie. Trying is better than never making a move or any decisions. If you’re afraid of failure, one of my favorite affirmations to repeat to myself is “I embrace my mistakes because they mean I’m trying and learning.” Even when the anxiety is present, you can still be bold and try new things.
  
  

• Pro & Con Lists
  

• Man, I love a good pro and con list.
  
  Let’s look at the pros: get all your thoughts out (even the frantic ones), force yourself to look at BOTH possibilities, allow yourself to slow down and think through the problem without feeling rushed
  
  Now the Cons: you could be tempted to only focus on the negatives
  
  When making a pro and con list, be factual and honest with yourself and recognize if something is in the con list because of the anxiety or a valid reason. Both are possible and it is worth differentiating between the two.
  
  

• Find coping skills that work for when you notice your anxiety
  

• There are plenty of coping skills out there for when anxiety comes around. Although, two people who may both have anxiety won’t automatically benefit from the same coping skills and strategies. My favorite strategies are mindfulness based because anxiety usually takes you away from the present moment and bringing yourself back to it can help ease distress. A good way to do this is to take a moment to relax, breathe, and focus first on 5 things you can see, then 4 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. You can do this anywhere in the comfort of your own brain and it’s a great tool to try.
  
  

• Focus on what you can control
  

• Being that you’re probably not psychic, the future is a mystery. To help us survive, our brains are wired to think of what could go wrong. When you add anxiety on top, it can be crippling and stop you from making life changes because you only see what can go wrong. There are a lot of things that are out of our control but there is plenty that IS in our control. Your goals and dreams are bigger than the anxiety and you can grow and do scary things even while it’s present. Focus on doing what you can to make the best decisions for you and follow through on your plans and goals.

Amanda Kohl

Amanda is an experienced supervised therapist who values creating connection and an environment where clients feel accepted and free to express their authentic selves and move towards healing. She enjoys providing therapy to children, teens, and adults and has helped clients with various issues including anxiety, depression, trauma, relational conflict, behavioral problems, self-esteem issues, and identity issues. Her goal is to support and encourage her clients’ journey while providing them with the tools needed for growth and positive change. Both In-Person Sessions (Mondays & Tuesdays) and Virtual Sessions Available.

Amanda Kohl, MHCI 727-967-8992 Akohl@usf.edu PsychologyToday Profile: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/amanda-kohl-tampa-fl/932283 Book with Amanda: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/AmandaKohlMHCI Virtual Visits: https://doxy.me/amandakohl

New Year New Me

Blog Post: By Bailey McConnell, RMCI

New Year New Me:

At the start of each New Year, we come up with resolutions, goals, and plans to make ourselves look/ feel better for the new year and onward. Although we have the best intentions of making the resolutions, we often do not follow through on these goals or stop them after a short time of starting them. You might be wondering why it is so hard to follow through on your intentions. Well, most times we make goals for ourselves without making plans on how to incorporate our goals into our everyday lives. Some of our goals might be too big to accomplish at the beginning. We might not know where or how to start our goals. Well, what do I do? Listed below are some steps to making and accomplishing our New Years' goals. 

1. Make goals for ourselves that are reasonable and achievable: When making New Year's resolutions we often make grand plans. For instance, I want to lose 100 lbs., and take a vacation in Jamaica this year. Yes, that might be a great goal, but we need to take into consideration how likely it is that you might meet these goals. Make goals for yourself that are realistic to your current situation. That might mean scaling back your goals to losing 50 lbs. this year and taking a non-specific vacation. Research has found that making goals that are approach-oriented are more successful than making avoidance-oriented goals (Oscarsson et al., 2020). This means that making goals that encourage one to go out and do things end up being more achievable than goals of avoiding things. For instance, a goal of working out more throughout the year is easier to maintain than not eating fast food all year. Make goals that work best for the betterment of yourself.

2. Make short- and long-term goals: Oftentimes when we make goals for ourselves, we think in terms of one big goal. Big goals are great overarching ideas, but we need smaller goals to get ourselves moving towards that bigger objective. For example, if you want to read more this new year you might want to make a small goal of finding a day to go to a bookstore to buy a new book. Then you would want to make another small goal to start reading the book and reading so many pages by the end of the week. Making achievable small steps is a part of the way to completing your resolution.

3. Form an accountability group: It can be hard to hold yourself accountable to your goal when you are the only one who knows about your plan. Try to tell others your intentions as they can ask you about how you are doing. You and another person, whether that be a friend or a partner, could start a resolution together. This way you have someone to work on our goals with. You each can hold the other accountable when it might seem difficult to keep going.

4. Don't be too hard on yourself if you do not make your goal: If you do not make your small or end goal do not be hard on yourself. Life is not only about succeeding but is making mistakes and failing. Recognize where you could change things or could have done better. Learn from your mistakes or missteps.

5. Celebrate the small successes: When you do meet those small goals, celebrate. Be proud of yourself that you were able to stick to your plan and carry it through. Make sure to experience and remember what it feels like to accomplish your goals. This feeling can be so helpful when you hit a speed bump and do not feel like you can go on. Allow yourself to feel your emotions.

Bailey McConnell

A dedicated intern student who has experience leading undergraduate peers in mental health awareness and suicide prevention. Bailey is a warm and caring skilled supervised therapist who is focused on building a safe and open environment for children, teens, adults, families, and couples to navigate and help process their thoughts and feelings. She has provided counseling to adults going through addiction and homelessness with various diagnoses. She can work with all different populations in a judgment free zone. Her goal is to work with and aid clients through their respective journey and help them learn new positive ways to view and cope with life’s stressors. Both In-Person sessions (Mondays, Tuesdays, Sundays) and Virtual sessions available.

Resources 

Oscarsson, M., Carlbring, P., Andersson, G., & Rozental, A. (2020). A large-scale experiment on New Year’s resolutions: Approach-oriented goals are more successful than avoidance-oriented goals. PLoS ONE, 15(12). https://doi-org.ezproxy.lib.usf.edu/10.1371/journal.pone.0234097

Key Assumptions and Intentions of NVC

Key Assumptions and Intentions of NVC

Assumptions Underlying the Practice of Nonviolent Communication

Following are key assumptions that NVC practice is based on. Many traditions share these assumptions; NVC gives us concrete, powerful tools for putting them into practice. When we live based on these assumptions, self-connection and connection with others become increasingly possible and easy.

1. All human beings share the same needs: We all have the same needs, although the strategies we use to meet these needs may differ. Conflict occurs at the level of strategies, not at the level of needs.

2. Our world offers sufficient resources for meeting everyone's basic needs: The scarcity experienced by so many people arises because we have not designed our social structures to meet everyone's needs. We can attribute any apparent scarcity to a current systemic limitation, a crisis of imagination, or a lack of skills for fostering connection.

3. All actions are attempts to meet needs: Our desire to meet needs, whether conscious or unconscious, underlies every action we take. We only resort to violence or other actions that do not meet our own or others' needs when we do not recognize more effective strategies for meeting needs.

4. Feelings point to needs being met or unmet: Feelings may be triggered but not caused by others. Our feelings arise directly out of our experience of whether our needs seem to us met or unmet in a given circumstance. Our assessment of whether or not our needs are met almost invariably involves an interpretation or belief. When our needs are met, we may feel happy, satisfied, peaceful, etc. When our needs are not met, we may feel sad, scared, frustrated, etc.

5. All human beings have the capacity for compassion: We have an innate capacity for compassion, though not always the knowledge of how to access it. When we are met with compassion and respect for our autonomy, we tend to have more access to our own compassion for ourselves and for others. Growing compassion contributes directly to our capacity to meet needs peacefully.

6. Human beings enjoy giving: We inherently enjoy contributing to others when we have connected with our own and others' needs and can experience our giving as coming from choice.

7. Human beings meet needs through interdependent relationships: We meet many of our needs through our relationships with other people and with nature, though some needs are met principally through the quality of our relationship with ourselves and for some, with a spiritual dimension to life. When others' needs are not met, some needs of our own also remain unmet.

8. Human beings change: By virtue of the constantly unfolding nature of needs and strategies to meet them, all of us are dynamic processes, not static entities.

9. Choice is internal: Regardless of the circumstances, we can meet our need for autonomy by making conscious choices based on awareness of needs.

10. The most direct path to peace is through self-connection: Our capacity for peace is not dependent on having our needs met. Even when many needs are unmet, meeting our need for self-connection can be sufficient for inner peace.

Key Intentions when Using Nonviolent Communication

We hold the following intentions when using NVC because we believe that they help us contribute to a world where everyone’s needs are attended to peacefully.

Open-Hearted Living

1. Self-compassion: We aim to release all self-blame, self-judgments, and self-demands, and meet ourselves with compassion and understanding for the needs we try to meet through all our actions.

2. Expressing from the heart: When expressing ourselves, we aim to speak from the heart, expressing our feelings and needs, and making specific, do-able requests.

3. Receiving with compassion: When we hear others, we aim to hear the feelings and needs behind their expressions and actions, regardless of how they express themselves, even if their expression or actions do not meet our needs (e.g. judgments, demands, physical violence).

4. Prioritizing connection: We aim to focus on connecting open-heartedly with everyone’s needs instead of seeking immediate and potentially compromised solutions, especially in challenging situations.

5. Beyond "right" and "wrong": We aim to transform our habit of making "right" and "wrong" assessments (moralistic judgments), and to focus instead on whether or not human needs appear met (need-based assessments).

Choice, Responsibility, Peace

6. Taking responsibility for our feelings: We aim to connect our feelings to our own needs, recognizing that others do not have the power to make us feel anything. This recognition empowers us to take action to meet our needs instead of waiting for others to change.

7. Taking responsibility for our actions: We aim to recognize our choice in each moment, and take actions that we believe will most likely meet our needs. We aim to

avoid taking actions motivated by fear, guilt, shame, desire for reward, or ideas of duty or obligation.

8. Living in peace with unmet needs: We aim to work with our feelings when we experience our needs as unmet, connecting with the needs rather than insisting on meeting them.

9. Increasing capacity for meeting needs: We aim to develop our internal resources, particularly our NVC skills, so we can contribute to more connection and greater diversity of strategies for meeting needs.

10. Increasing capacity for meeting the present moment: We aim to develop our capacity to connect in each moment with our own and others' needs, and to respond to present stimuli in the moment instead of through static stories about who we and others are.

Sharing Power (Partnership)

10. Caring equally for everyone’s needs: We aim to make requests and not demands, thus staying open to the other's strategies to meet their needs. When hearing a "No" to our request, or when saying "No" to another’s request, we aim to work towards solutions that meet everyone’s needs, not just our own, and not just the other person’s.

11. Protective use of force: We aim to use the minimum force necessary in order to protect, not to educate, punish, or get what we want without the other’s agreement, and only in situations where we find that dialogue fails to meet an immediate need for physical safety. We aim to return to dialogue as soon as we have re-established a sense of physical safety.

© 2008 Inbal Kashtan and Miki Kashtan • nvc@baynvc.org • www.baynvc.org

Four Components of NVC

Four Components of NVC

The four components of Nonviolent Communication are the tools that help us communicate more effectively. Once you are familiar with these tools and how to use them, you will be in a position to shift your communication dramatically.

We will start by looking at each one of the components separately.

Observation

The first component of Nonviolent Communication is observation. Observations are simply the facts of a situation. What you heard someone say or what you saw someone do, without adding any evaluations or judgments. For instance, if someone said, "I like the red dress better," the observation is, "You said that you liked the red dress better" because the speaker is simply repeating back what the other person said. An observation that is mixed with evaluations or judgments might be "You said that you don't like me in the blue dress" because the speaker is interpreting what the other person meant by the statement. Do you notice the difference?

This distinction is important because most of us would argue with someone who repeated the second sentence. The argument would be about our interpretation of what the other person meant by their statement, or the other person defending their statement, rather than what is really important- gaining clarity about their intention or being heard about our hurt feelings that were stimulated by the statement.

Another form of observation is when we state the facts of what we saw or experienced, such as "You came home at 5:30," where the speaker simply states the actual event. An evaluation would be "You were late again. You're always late." How do you think you would respond to this? Most of us would defend ourselves by arguing about our lateness this time or we might reflect on all the times we were on time starting with February 2, 1972. Can you relate?

The observation, then, helps us stay focused on what was actually said or done and it helps us avoid needless arguments that serve to cover up the primary issue.

Feeling

The second component of Nonviolent Communication is feelings. We state how we feel about the situation directly after we have clarified the observation. This may seem like an unimportant step because many people think that their feelings should be obvious to the other person.

Unfortunately, what we are feeling isn't always obvious. Fear and excitement have the exact same physiological effects on our bodies and hurt and anger often look the same: heavier breathing, red face, elevated voice and tone, and increased pace in speech. Why take the chance that the other person will understand how we feel about the situation when we can tell them? Expressing how something affects us improves our opportunities for connection, understanding and ultimately resolution.

The following is a partial list of feelings:

happy, sad, joyful, scared, angry, ticked off, ecstatic, absorbed, involved, comfortable, cozy, calm, contented, peaceful, affectionate, loving, energetic, enthusiastic. Here's a more complete list of feelings.

Sometimes we confuse our feelings with our judgments about other people. This comes out when we say things like, "I feel like you're manipulating me." Or, "I feel that you don't care." Both these statements are emotionally charged and sound like feelings, yet no emotion is actually expressed. Instead, the speaker is saying what he thinks the other person is doing- manipulating or that she doesn't care.

Because these statements are emotionally charged, they will likely ignite the conversation. Often the argument will not move beyond this point because one person is arguing that the other is manipulative and the other person is arguing that she isn't manipulative. The argument becomes a verbal tug of war that rarely leads to peaceful resolution. In the end one of you is dragged through the mud leaving both people feeling like losers. One way to avoid these exceedingly frustrating moments is to clearly state your feelings, rather than your judgments about the other person, such as "I feel angry", or, "I feel hurt."

Here are a few additional examples of statements that sound like feelings, but are really thoughts about the other person:

I feel like you are ignoring me.

I feel you are spending too much time at work. I feel disrespected.

I feel judged.

Notice that many of these statements start out either, "I feel like?", or "I feel you." Whenever you catch yourself starting a sentence in this way, be aware that you are probably about to state a thought instead of a feeling!

Being clear about our feelings can help us and the other people in our life gain clarity.

Need

The third component of Nonviolent Communication is needs. Needs are anything that a person needs to sustain life no matter their race, religious preference, financial status, location or culture. Needs then are the basic things all people need to support life. The following are a few examples of needs:

love, food, shelter, caring, collaboration, support, appreciation, to be heard, comfort

Here's a more complete list of needs.

Another important distinction about needs is that everything someone does or says is an attempt to meet their needs. Therefore, it is an attempt to sustain life in some way.

For example, say that your teenage son mowed the lawn as you asked but didn't complete the project as well as you would have liked. Can you imagine what need or needs motivated his behavior? Could he have been trying to meet his need for autonomy, fun, relief, or ease?

Can you imagine the underlying needs that drive a parent to respond to his son by saying, "How is it that you can never finish a job?!?" Is it possible he has a need for completion, trust (that his son will complete a project without more intervention), order or maybe beauty (wanting the yard to look a certain way).

The son and parent both choose specific methods to meet their needs. Neither of them are bad people, they are simply employing the methods they have learned to meet their needs.

The tragic thing is that many times we try to get our needs met by using methods that will guarantee our failure! The parent and son both illustrate how this can happen. For instance, is it likely that the son's needs for ease, autonomy, fun, or relief will be met if he doesn't finish the lawn as agreed upon and then has to deal with his parent's disappointment later on? He may meet some of these needs in the moment but none of them long-term. His behavior, then, actually prevents him from meeting his underlying needs.

Similarly, the parent isn't likely to meet his needs for order, beauty, trust or completion if he says, "How is it that you can never finish a job?!?"

When we understand that our behaviors are an attempt to meet our needs, we can become more skilled at choosing behaviors that will help us succeed at this. The result is more ease, fun, depth, and joy in our relationships and in our lives.

Request

The fourth component of Nonviolent Communication is making a request. Where the need is general (everyone has the same needs), the request is specific. It is the strategy we would like to use to help us meet our unmet needs.

For instance, say that you said to someone:

1st Component - Observation: "When I see you kick the dog

2nd Component - Feelings: I feel worried and scared

3rd Component - Needs: because I value respect for all beings."

The 4th component clarifies what you would like the other person to do to meet your need for respect for all beings. Do you have an idea of what you might like to ask? How about this:

4th Component - Request: "Would you be willing to sit with the dog for a minute to make sure she's okay?"

Once we have clarified our unmet need, there are literally countless ways to meet that need. The request, then, becomes the way that seems to fit best with us. In this case some additional requests could have been: Would you please tell me why you kicked the dog? Would you go outside and play catch with the dog for a half-hour? Would you please take a few minutes to write down five other ways that you could release your tension that would also meet my need for respecting all beings?

The request is the specific action you'd like done to help you meet your need. There are two kinds of request a person could make. They are:

1. Action Request- where you ask someone to do a specific task, such as pet the dog, go to the store and buy milk, call the babysitter, or write a 10-page report.

2. Connection Request- where you ask someone to do something that will help you connect with them or that will help them connect to you. This usually comes up when one person wants to be heard or understood, or when someone wants to know how another person feels about what he said.

Effective requests have a few basic parts to them:

They are specific - If you want your teenage son to mow the lawn before 7:00 p.m., be specific. Don't ask him to mow the lawn and assume (or hope) that he'll mow it by 7:00 p.m.

They use positive language - Ask for what you want, not what you don't want. This adds clarity and positive energy to your request.

They use present language - Ask for something in the present that the other person could do or say right now. If the agreement you want will happen in the future, ask the other person if they are willing to make an agreement on that item now. In the next section you will learn how to use the four components of NVC to enhance and enrich your communication and relationship with other people.

Marathon Couples Therapy

Marathon Couples Therapy is a dynamic alternative to traditional weekly sessions. It’s a condensed and focused approach to marriage or couples counseling that will provide you with the time you need to address specific issues and get your relationship back on track. In this powerful therapy format, you’ll meet with Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, NCC, Ph.D a highly trained and experienced therapist for either one day or three consecutive days, depending on your needs.

Couples that participate in Marathon Couples Therapy receive a scientific evaluation of their relationship from the GOTTMAN ASSESSMENT originating from the  Gottman Love Lab, the only one of its kind in the world. The comprehensive relationship assessment will pinpoint the areas in which you can achieve the greatest growth so you can move forward to a place of strength, reconnection, and hope.

Gottman Love Lab Assessment

The Gottman Love Lab has gained worldwide recognition for John Gottman’s breakthrough research on marital stability and divorce prediction. He has video recorded and studied over 3,000 couples, some for as long as 20 years. The revolutionary couples research lab, first opened in 1986 at the University of Washington, has been reimagined in downtown Seattle for the high-tech modern age.

Marathon Couples Therapy starts with an assessment. When we meet, we’ll talk about how you see your relationship right now. We’ll discuss your relationship and conduct an initial intake.

Then after that, we’ll help you identify areas of continuing disagreements in your relationship.

Based on all of this information, along with your responses to a comprehensive relationship questionnaire, we’ll do a mathematical analysis of your interaction patterns to simulate what your relationship will look like over time.

Dr. Mahaney will walk you through the findings and what they mean, and will explain to you the specific changes you can make to generate the most effective improvements in your relationship.

At the conclusion of your work with South Tampa Therapy, you will receive an extensive report outlining all of the interpreted data. This report is an amazing tool to be able to give in-depth insight into how to best support you to maintain the progress you have made.

Marathon Couples Therapy

Marathon Couples Therapy is offered either for one day or for three consecutive days for six hours a day. In most cases, we recommend a three-day marathon. A one-day marathon is appropriate for couples seeking preventative care, couples with a solid relationship that have some minor issues to work out, and couples interested in premarital preparation.

You will have time to talk in depth about the struggles and challenges of the relationship that simply cannot happen in the tradition style of couples therapy. There is time to process past injuries that have never healed, and time to understand how these injuries have impacted the relationship. There is time to learn and practice new communication skills to help you have more productive conversations. There’s time to rebuild.

Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney will provide an environment of safety for both partners. You will be treated with dignity and respect, without judgment, throughout the process. Couples who have experienced this form of therapy usually describe it as life-changing and transformative.

Marathon Couples Therapy offers some practical benefits as well. It’s a good fit for couples who want intensive therapy. It’s also a good fit for couples whose schedules do not allow for consistent weekly therapy sessions. And finally, it’s a great fit for couples who need to get help immediately.

It is important, however, that you also understand the risks involved. Despite the “nuts and bolts” approach of this method, the Marathon Couples Therapy format may move you more quickly and intensely into the areas of difficulty to be addressed. Therefore, you and/or your partner may experience uncomfortable feelings like sadness, guilt, anxiety, anger, loneliness, and helplessness. Your therapy may also involve recalling unpleasant aspects of your history together and/or individually.

Please reach out if you are interested in MARATHON COUPLES THERAPY.

You may book an appointment HERE and select ADD ON TIME.

Or text Dr. Mahaney directly #813-240-3237

Why I Only Accept 50% of Insurance Clientele & 50% Self-Pay In My Private Practice (50/50/❤️ MODEL)

WHY I ONLY ACCEPT A FEW NEW INITIAL INTAKE INSURANCE APPOINTMENTS

USING MY MORAL COMPASS AND COMPASSION FOR HUMANITY, I’M CHOOSING TO CREATE A 50/50/❤️ MODEL:

50/50/ ❤️= 50% SELF PAY 50% INSURANCE ❤️SLIDING SCALE FEE

Sliding Scale Fees help advocate for affordable mental health care and create an opportunity for highly qualified INTERNS to co-counsel clients in need. I interview interns extensively, decide selectively, and supervise very closely and yet very trustingly. I will be an active participant in each session.

I initially started accepting insurance 15 years ago when I felt a strong need to support my community, who needed financial support, to get consistent help. Despite hearing horror stories from colleagues about insurance paperwork and clawbacks, I joined a few insurance panels. I loved every minute of being a therapist! I hated everything about the administrative process when it came to dealing with insurance companies. Don’t get me wrong, I love my insurance peeps! We have connected over the years and I will continue to support my clients who choose to use insurance as they should!

I too, have health insurance. I get it, we have health insurance for a reason, pay high monthly premiums, and should be able to use insurance when we need it!

Regardless, I will show-up powerfully for ALL of my clients.

I feel good about my choice to create a 50/50/ ❤️BALANCE in my Private Practice!

As a healthcare member and a private practice provider, I’ve had the unique experience of seeing both perspectives of the healthcare system in the US.

As my specialty has continuously evolved, I have realized that mainly accepting insurance no longer make sense for the advanced work that I do. Ultimately, my decision came down to acting with integrity and practicing what I preach to my clients.

Here are some key points to help you understand my decision to create this model for my Practice:

LACK OF PRIVACY & CONFIDENTIALITY

When insurance companies pay for your treatment, it also means that their employees (clinicians or not) will audit my treatment plans and read what we talked about in my session notes. These employees are paid to save the insurance company money by searching for fraud and determining whether you're overusing your insurance coverage. In turn, the insurance company may decline authorization of additional sessions because you're not progressing fast enough; our work in psychotherapy does not qualify as "a medical necessity": or because my treatment approach isn't recognized by the insurance company as an "evidence-based treatment" (that's code for short-term, as in 6-8 sessions).

Hell, some insurance providers don't reimburse for 60-minute sessions anymore!

This doesn’t seem right.

I recently got audited by an insurance company. This audit took me countless hours, staying up late at night, time away from my family, unnecessary stress and scrutiny to provide tedious paperwork and specific details to prove that my clients needed the services provided. This is just not okay in my book. I totally understand documentation for integrity but demanding extra proof during a pandemic when I am already submitting the necessary information and feel overwhelmed and overworked helped me create the awareness and opportunity for me to reflect on MY CHOICE to accept insurance.

At first, I reactively felt angry resulting in thoughts and hopes that the insurance company would fire me! However, when I pause and feel to respond intentionally, I honestly and truly feel honored to hold space and care for ALL of my clients and I would feel disappointed if I were unable to offer insurance as an option.

In conclusion, I believe that everyone has a right to confidentiality of your medical records. You also have the liberty to progress through treatment at a pace that's best for YOU - one that allows you sufficient time to process everything that you're experiencing. Things unfold differently for each person, especially when our world seems chaotic (Global Pandemic)! If the insurance company fires me, they rip the therapeutic relationship apart that my clients and I have securely built over the years. Emotional injuries and attachment issues can be easily re-traumatized within seconds.

DIAGNOSIS OF ILLNESS

Insurance companies operate on a medical model, which means they require a diagnosis to establish that you have "a medical necessity" to seek services in order to pay providers. To justify that you have a "medical necessity" I have to assign you a diagnosis to be reimbursed for our work together when there may not be one that really fits what you're going through. The vast majority of insurance companies don't consider relationship issues like couples or family therapy, developmental/attachment trauma, existential issues, life-transitions, personal development, or self-improvement as "medical necessities" because there are no diagnoses for these in the DSM-V.

And even if there are appropriate diagnoses, there are some diagnoses that insurance companies don't consider debilitating enough to pay for. So, if I know what diagnoses are and are not paid for, l'd have to label you with a more severe diagnosis they will pay for, but one that may not really reflect your situation. I am not ok with this either!

You're probably wondering, "What's the harm in that? A little truth-bending never hurt anyone." Well, that's just it - it can. It can come back to bite my clients in the ass... your medical record. While that might not be such a big deal right now, it may become one later on if you want to: get life insurance, work in the financial sector managing other's assets, regularly handle firearms, or seek employment in any sector in which your decision-making might be called into question due to your emotional state. Call me crazy, but I feel that people should get the help they need without fear, stigma, or reprisal for making their mental health and personal growth a priority.

FRAUD

If I engaged in the aforementioned truth- bending, I'd essentially be committing insurance fraud. There are providers out there that are willing to walk this fine line and take this risk. In my opinion, the penalties and professional consequences of insurance fraud are huge, and frankly, not worth it. I have a strong need for peace of mind that comes with integrity.

LOW RATES

In order to be "in- network" with an insurance company, I have to agree to accept a lower fee in exchange for the insurance company listing my practice in their directory of providers and sending me referrals. In the spirit of transparency, most of my clients find me through friends, family and through searching online. And each year, insurance companies continue to cut the rates they pay therapists for their work.

Here's an example with real numbers and real circumstances of how this happens: My fee is $170 per session. But I joined XYZ Insurance Co.'s network because I had a client in need of services. I chose to help and chose to agree to the insurance reimbursement rate of $60 per session. My client would also be responsible for a co-pay of $0-$40 per session depending on his plan, bringing the total to $60-$100 per session. That means I'm waiving at LEAST $70-$110 for each session. As a healthcare professional, I want to help! I have made these types of choices for the 20 years that I have been in private practice. I will keep choosing to advocate for my clients who have insurance because I also have insurance for myself and my family.

Would you be willing to forgo ~65% of your salary?:-/

I will also continue to set boundaries with ALL of my clients and companies that I choose to work with. If you no-show as a self pay or insurance client, I will treat you the same and ban you from being able to book an appointment until we have a meeting. I get it. I want to understand one another and use empathy. Life happens. I want to turn toward these curveballs

Additionally, insurance companies have been increasing their members' premiums, deductibles, and co-pays in the last few years claiming rising costs of care. You'd think that that would translate to higher reimbursement rates to care providers, but it doesn't...at least not in the mental health fields. In fact, insurance reimbursement rates have actually decreased over the same period of time. You're probably wondering, "How do the therapists and psychologists that take insurance afford to?

For such insurance-based practices, taking on more clients than is clinically prudent is the only way to make up the difference and keep their doors open. This then leads to another problem...

BURNOUT & EXHAUSTION

Here's the reality, many providers that accept insurance overbook their schedules in order to turn a modest profit after rent, utilities, malpractice, and other expenses.

Additionally, these providers often only offer a 30-50-minute session to maximize the number of clients in a day (10 vs 8) and the chances of insurance reimbursement (remember, most insurance companies don't pay for 60-minute sessions anymore). Also, if you use the 60 min codes, you are flagged for audits which take hours and hours to complete.

DELAYED (OR NON) PAYMENTS

Despite the insurance companies agreeing to a set reimbursement rate, these companies require therapists to jump through a bunch of hoops to get paid. It is common practice for most insurance companies to reject submitted paperwork to delay payments. When they're not seeing clients, these therapists are drowning in insurance paperwork and resubmitting billing claims in order to get paid, or spending hours on the phone contesting unpaid claims.

On average, it takes an additional 1.5 hours of UNPAID work outside of the session to get paid for sessions. And remember, the therapist is already making less by agreeing to take insurance. (In my previous example, it would cost $255 of my time ($170x1.5) to get paid my $60 reimbursement rate from XYZ Insurance Co.)

The alternative is to pay a medical billing company 8-10% of the claims' costs to do the aforementioned, but that increases expenses and cuts into that modest profit I mentioned before. But let's say that I or my medical billing admin ARE able to see the claim through the labyrinthine insurance payment process, the payment will finally arrive in my bank account anywhere between 3-6 months after the session took place IF everything goes smoothly.

RETROACTIVE CLAIM DENIALS (AKA CLAW BACKS)

Now imagine that, after all that trouble, that insurance company asked you to give the money back, even years later. Yep, this really happens and, unfortunately, it's a common practice among insurance companies. They'll audit your claims and paperwork for several years back. If they find any mistakes or inconsistencies in the therapist's paperwork they missed when they originally approved the therapist's claim, the insurance company will request that the therapist return the fees she was paid.

Pretend that your employer sent you a bill requesting that you repay the income you'd earned 3 years ago. Would that seem fair to you? I didn't think so. Claw backs can amount to thousands of dollars that can bankrupt a small business like a private practice. Many insurance- based clinicians live in fear of such retroactive audits.

Before reflecting and reassessing the insurance-based private practice I founded, I recently heard from a friend and colleague that a major insurance company requested thousands of dollars be returned by the end of the month. Talk about stressful!

All together that's a recipe for a tired, overworked, and stressed out therapist.

This may have been the problem if you've ever been to therapy that you felt didn't "work" with a provider from your insurance company. I should know. I started to experience the symptoms of burnout after two years of insurance-based practice. And that's when I realized, "Crap! I'm doing the things I tell my clients not to do!" Talk about incongruence!

So I changed my business model for the sake of the well-being of myself and my team to preserve the quality of care we want to provide every client. It breaks my heart to REDUCE ACCESS to care for people in need, but I realized early on that we can't help anyone if we're stressed/burned out or have to close our doors. I am choosing the 50/50/❤️ MODEL to advocate for mental health and well-being for all!

This makes sense to me!

WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS OF PRIVATE SELF-PAY AND/OR A 50/50/❤️MODEL FOR MENTAL HEALTH CARE?

No Labeling - You don't have to carry an unnecessary diagnosis on your medical record. Although, if you’d like to create awareness and assess for diagnostic criteria, I would invite this curiosity and self exploration.

Confidentiality & Privacy - You and your psychotherapist are the only people that will know you're in therapy. You get to choose who you disclose this information to. Session notes are private records so there won't be intimate details to “prove medical necessity/ diagnosis info”.

I am highly confidential and keep minimal notes. I naturally remember our sessions together because I truly care and our therapeutic relationship is genuinely important to me.

Self-Determination - You get to work with a psychotherapist that is free to use the best therapeutic approach to help YOU meet YOUR goals. You and your psychotherapist are the only people involved in the decision about the length of your care. You won't have to seek additional authorization to continue your work or return to psychotherapy, if you have new goals you'd like to explore.

Quality Care & Attention - You'll get a psychotherapist that's alert and engaged during your session, remembering the details of previous conversations. You'll have the help of a professional that's invested in your process of growth because they've taken the time to do the same for themselves. She will be able to use the healing methods that are most appropriate for you.

You might be thinking that this is just one therapist's rant against insurance companies. Don't take my word for it. Feel free to do your own research!

If you tried psychotherapy and were disappointed with the results or the treatment didn't seem to "fit" after working with a provider from your insurance company, I hope you have a better understanding of what might have been happening behind the scenes. We urge you to reconsider getting some support now that you do. There are great providers in the healing professions on both sides of the insurance divide that can help you.

I HOPE YOU HAVE A BETTER UNDERSTANDING ABOUT WHY I HAVE DECIDED TO CHOOSE THE 50/50/❤️ MODEL!

50/50/ ❤️= 50% SELF PAY 50% INSURANCE ❤️SLIDING SCALE FEE

Call or TEXT with any questions:

📱#813-240-3237 or ***Book Now: —> ❤️

Gottman Marriage Therapy in South Tampa, Florida with Counselor Elizabeth Mahaney

GOTTMAN MARRIAGE THERAPY

Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, NCC, Ph.D will help her clients:

1. Choose an intervention that is appropriate for the clients at the moment.

2. Recognize the Four Horseman when one member of a couple exhibits the behavior.

3. Stop the couple’s dyadic interaction when one member exhibits one of the four horseman. Describe the Four Horseman to the couple.

4. Explain the antidote to the relevant horseman clearly and accurately.

5. Coach the person with an alternative way to express him- or herself using an appropriate antidote.

6. Re-direct the couple to resume communication in a dyadic way. Continue to monitor for the four horsemen and intervene if they reemerge.

7. Identify when one or both partners are physiologically flooded (and not just upset) and stop the interaction between the couple.

8. Provide a brief explanation of flooding in clear, sensitive language.

9. Intervene by guiding one or both partners through a relaxation technique before continuing.

10. Explain the Dreams Within Conflict process and goals clearly.

11. Instruct couple on the Dreams Within Conflict intervention.

12. Assist one partner to ask the other partner questions about the dream or deeper meaning imbedded in their specific gridlocked issue.

13. Provide The Dream Catcher Questions handout and coach one partner to ask the other questions from the handout to increase understanding of their partner’s underlying dreams or deeper meaning embedded in the specific gridlocked issue; help the couple hold to the questions to go deeper vs. getting into their own point of view.

14. Introduce the concept of softened start-ups and explain why it helps (i.e., it is easier for their partner to hear and understand their point).

15. Explain research showing that the first three minutes of a discussion predicts whether that discussion will go well and whether their overall relationship will go well.

16. Explain importance of expressing needs in positive terms and instruct the partner to restate their point without criticism and then direct them to resume dyadic interaction.

17. Stop couple’s interaction when one or both partners are not accepting influence.

18. Explain the need for accepting influence (which may include reference to research). This includes finding a way to understand and honor some aspect of their partner’s position, with a focus on yielding and accepting influence rather than on persuading.

19. Stop couple and instruct in the concept of offering and accepting repairs and why it is useful.

20. Provide the Repair Checklist and explain the use.

21. Ask appropriate Gottman Oral History questions and stay on track with sensitivity to couple’s issues.

22. Conduct History interview with appropriate timing.

23. Conduct History interview with sensitivity to issues of co-morbidity.

Clear Communication!

You are not allowed to complain about not getting something that you never asked for.

Read that again^.

Do you find yourself getting upset at your partner for things you never communicated to them?

Take this scenario for example: you get home and make your partner a delicious dinner. You put so much time and thought into it—they’re bound to help you with the dishes, right? But they don’t do the dishes, and now you’re upset with them. They notice and ask you what’s wrong, but you respond with a sour, “Nothing.” They should know that you expected them to clean up after dinner.

Is this starting to sound a bit “off”? Your partner can’t read your mind.

You must ask for what you want in order to receive it.

There’s many ways to ask for what you want, and some work better than others. Learn more about putting your feelings into words without contempt or criticism. Book an appointment to deepen your connection, build trust and commitment, and communicate more openly with tools and exercises designed to bring you and your partner closer together.

The next time you get angry about your partner not doing something, ask yourself, “Did I verbally ask them to do this?”

Communicating your needs with your partner can clear up misunderstandings and help avoid hurt feelings.

You’ve probably done this before.

You come home from a long day at work, and nothing sounds better to you than a nice back scratch. You snuggle up to your partner so that their hands are placed perfectly on your back. You roll your shoulders in a motion that universally signals, “scratch my back.” But they don’t get the hint.

Slightly frustrated, but not yet defeated, you position yourself behind them and start scratching their back. As soon as you’re finished, they turn to you and say, “Gee, thanks, honey. That was sure sweet of you.”

And then, nothing. They don’t return the favor.

Wait. What?

You feel hurt and resentful. They broke the #1 rule every logical person should know! If someone scratches your back, you must scratch theirs!

Back scratching isn’t the only area where you see this kind of nonverbal agreement that one would think shouldn’t have to be spoken and everyone should just know.

For example:

• If you buy your partner flowers and chocolate, they’ll want to have sex with you, right?

• If you spend the evening making a delicious dinner for your partner, they’re bound to help you with the dishes, right?

Is this starting to sound a bit ridiculous? Your spouse can’t read your mind.

You have to ask for what you need

Why is it so hard to ask for what you want? Like, with spoken and specific words—not just unspoken signals or secret codes?

One evening, I was babysitting my sister’s adorable two-year-old girl. It was time for her to go to bed, and I was helping her to put on her jammies.

“I want the purple ones.”

“No problem! Purple jammies it is!”

“Read stories.”

“Alright, let’s read a book!”

After we read of few of her favorites, which she had no hesitation pointing out to me, I placed her in her crib to go to sleep. She immediately grabbed my arm and said, “Ang-uh-winn sing song?” in her adorable voice.

As I started singing her a lullaby, she said, “Scratch my back?” I started scratching her back while singing her a song, and it wasn’t too long before she fell asleep.

That little girl, at two years old, let me know exactly what she wanted from me in order to go to sleep peacefully. She set me up for success by expressing her needs in a clear and positive way so that I could fulfill them.

But what happens when we get older?

Sadly, the older my niece gets, people won’t be so kind or willing when she asks them what she wants. She might ask someone to scratch her back and they’ll tell her, “No.”

In fact, people might start telling her that asking for what she wants is selfish or rude. There may come a time when she thinks to herself, “It’s best if I just keep quiet.”

There was a time in your life when this happened to you, too. You asked for something you wanted and got rejected. You learned how bad it can hurt when someone willfully dismisses your request, especially if it’s important to you. You learned that it can be scary to ask for what you want, and that makes you vulnerable to let someone in on your hopes and desires.

No wonder it’s hard to ask for what you want! The second a request leaves your mouth, it’s up to the other person to decide whether or not to grant that request. It’s out of your control. And who likes to feel out of control?

Instead, you keep your mouth shut. If your partner doesn’t pick up on your subtle clues, at least you don’t have to admit that it was something you wanted in the first place. Instead, you’re just secretly angry at them while they wonder what they did wrong.  

Though it softens the blow of the rejection when you don’t speak up about what you need, it also doesn’t leave you any less resentful over not getting what you want. Plus, it practically guarantees that you WON’T get what you want.

What would be a better alternative to secret cues, signals, and non-verbal agreements that leave us disappointed and set our partners up for failure?

Simple. Learn to ask for what you want!

Use your words, and use them well

Nate and I have a motto in our marriage that came from Terry Real’s book, “The New Rules of Marriage.”

“You have no right to complain about not getting what you never asked for.”

You are not allowed to complain about not getting something that you never asked for.  The next time you get angry about your partner not doing something, I want you to ask yourself, “Did I verbally ask them to do this?”

Now, there are many ways to ask for something that you want, and let’s just say that some ways work better than others. Let’s use an example such as doing the dishes by yourself while your partner watches TV.

“I’m always cooking your dinner and you never help me with the dishes. You always just sit there in front of the TV while I do it? Why don’t you help me for a change?”

Woof. Using words like “always” or “never” is a surefire way of putting your spouse on the defense. This example of asking isn’t really asking at all. It’s criticizing your partner, and heavily so. This puts all the attention on how they’re the bad guy, instead of choosing to be vulnerable and respectfully expressing what you really want.

I can see this turning into a never-ending argument of, “Oh yeah? Well, you always do this, and you never do that,” going back and forth until the dishes get moldy and you forget about them entirely.

“Maybe, you know, you could help me with the dishes, if you want.”

Or, “If you have time, if it’s convenient for you, maybe you could try and help me with the dishes?”

Or even more classic, “Do you want to help me with the dishes, or would you rather just watch TV?”

These are all different ways of saying the same thing. In this situation, you are not expressing what you want. Instead, you are implying with your request that it is actually your partner who wants it, that it’s actually their idea. It takes the pressure off of you, and it puts the blame on them for not fulfilling a promise they never made.

This reminds me of a time we were helping with a social gathering at a neighbor’s house. Nate was in charge of putting out the snacks. He had left them in their original plastic container and just set them on the table.

The host of the party came to the snack table, turned to Nate, and in that passive-aggressive sing-song voice we all know said, “Do you want to put these treats on a separate platter?”

Nate replied, “No, I think they are fine in the plastic.”

She looked at him like he had just slapped her in the face.  He quickly realized his error and said, “I mean, yeah, of course, I want to put them on a separate platter. There’s nothing more in this world that I want than to have these treats on a platter!”

It was awkward.

The answer to the question she asked him was, indeed, “No.”

No, he didn’t want to put them on a separate platter. He didn’t see the need to do so.

But, that wasn’t the question she was really asking, was it?

Can you see how it would have been so much easier if she had just said, “Hey, I’d love it if you put these on a separate platter so that it looks nicer for the guests.” Nate would have known exactly what she wanted and would have happily fulfilled her request.

“Can you please help me with the dishes?”

This example is better than the first two, and it’s a good place to start. Saying “please” is wonderful, respectful, and it makes it much easier for your spouse to want to help.

However, the request falls a little, well, flat. It doesn’t get across how much it would mean to you to receive that help you are asking for.

I can see getting a response like, “Sure honey, just let me finish this game first” or “How about we just do them in the morning?”

There’s still too much room for failure with this example. You’ll need to communicate why you need the help, or how it’s important to you to receive help from your partner.

“Honey, I’d love some help with the dishes. I worked hard on making dinner tonight and I’d appreciate it if you helped clean up. Can we do the dishes together? It would really make me feel loved.”

This hits the nail on the head. First, you make your desire known—you’d really love some help with the dishes.

Second, you tell them why you’d like to help with the dishes, because you worked really hard on dinner!

You give your partner clear expectations on when you’d like it done right now.

And lastly, you tell them what it would do for you if they granted your request. It would help you feel loved.

How to set your partner (and you) up for success

Can you see why this would make it much easier for your spouse to say yes to your request? You’re giving them everything they need to give you what you need. You’re setting them up for success!

Mastering the skill of asking for what you want effectively, efficiently, and respectfully is one of the greatest gifts you can give to your partner.