Cultivate A Secure Attachment Style... without Being Anxious or Avoidant
All relationships are unique - one explanation won't describe them all
Every human being craves a sense of belonging, either toward family, friends, or a spouse. When humans become attached to someone, the influence of one on the other regulates their natural states. It influences each other's psychological and emotional well-being.
Humans need to form close bonds with others in order to feel secure and safe in life.
Relationship problems can be excruciating; they encompass the innermost core of people's lives.
No one has a finite description that fits the bill as each case of relationship issues is unique and personal, coming from an endless number of possible root causes.
You may suffer from constant tension and emotional problems if your partner cannot meet your basic needs, which can have severe consequences on your emotional well-being, self-esteem, and even physical health. That's why it's essential to understand your attachment style and the attachment style of people close to you, especially your spouse.
Research has shown there are three main attachment styles or manners in which people see, understand, and respond to intimacy in romantic relationships. These findings are parallel to those found in children:
Secure attachment style
Anxious attachment style
Avoidant attachment style
If you are someone with an anxious attachment style, you'll spend a lot of time worrying and thinking about whether your partner loves or cares for you. You will also be bothered about if they're spending enough time with you and what is going on in their mind when they don't call you back within a few minutes of missing your call.
The avoidant attachment style indicates that you value your independence and time alone more than your relationship. A secure attachment style fits between both styles. It is an ideal balance between caring enough and not worrying too much.
People with each of these attachment styles show lots of differences in:
The way they see intimacy and togetherness.
The way they deal with conflict.
Their behavior towards sex.
Their ability and means to communicate their wishes and needs.
Their expectations and desires from their partner and the relationship.
In this summary, you will learn more about how you develop attachments to other people and how to enhance your relationships and become closer. After all, isn't that what we all want?
Attachment styles are dictated by your upbringing
Your current attachment style is determined by how you were cared for as a baby. In other words, if your parents were sensitive, available, and responsive, you would have a secure attachment style. If your parents were inconsistent and inappropriately responsive, you would likely develop an anxious attachment style. If they were distant, rigid, uncaring, and unresponsive, you would probably display an avoidant attachment style.
But this doesn't mean you can't change your attachment style over time; you would need to have positive experiences with partners, friends, and family members in order to turn the tide to help rewire your brain into thinking a new way.
The way you were treated as a child affects your life in a huge way. You learn how to love, feel, and react from your parents.
However, total change isn't always necessary.
Sometimes it's better to understand your current style of attachment, work out the negative elements and twist them into something positive, and learn to get the most out of your situation.
Someone with an anxious attachment style can learn to be more at ease when away from their partner. That doesn't mean they're instantly going to be comfortable with it and have no issues from that point onwards. It simply means that they're making baby steps towards changing a harmful habit. Whether a person can ever entirely change their attachment style is very debatable. What you can do is identify your partner's attachment style and be more understanding.
Did you know? The "dependency paradox" states that the closer you are to your partner, the more independent you're able to become on your own.
It means that you know you have someone close to you if you need support or help.
When you understand attachment, you're able to connect more meaningfully with other people.
Understanding your specific attachment profile will help you know yourself more, achieve more goals, and guide you in your relations with others, bringing happiness and fulfillment to your relationships.
When people hear about relationship attachment styles, they usually have no difficulty recognizing their style. Some people declare right away, "I'm anxious," "I'm avoidant," or, "I think I'm secure," while others have a more challenging time figuring it out.
Attachment styles are stable most of the time but still subject to change.
If you find it difficult figuring out your attachment style, the following guide will help:
If you feel quite relaxed around your partner and you're not constantly questioning the connection, you're secure in your union.
Suppose you desire and long for intimacy and closeness, but you have many insecurities, are unsure where the relationship is going, and little things your partner does sets you off and anger you. In this case, you're probably anxious.
You're probably avoidant if you feel uncomfortable when things become steamy and intimate, or you value your independence and freedom more than any relationship.
Discovering other people's attachment styles is usually more stringent than identifying your own. You alone know yourself best, but knowing yourself is not just how you behave; it's also what you feel and think when in a relationship. To make this easier, most people give away all the clues about their attachment style by how they live their lives and their actions without even knowing it. The deal is to know what to look for.
Golden Rules for discovering your partner's attachment style:
Find out whether they seek intimacy and closeness.
Discover how preoccupied and involved they are with the relationship and how sensitive they are to rejection.
Don't focus on one "symptom," look for various signs.
Assess their reaction to effective communication.
Be alert and look for what they are not saying or doing
Things to note before getting serious with a partner
When getting involved with someone, carefully tread; the stakes are high, and your happiness depends on it, especially true if you have an anxious attachment style. All happiness or unhappiness solely depends upon the quality of the object to which love attaches us.
People with an anxious attachment style are quick to notice changes in others' emotional expressions. They are also sensitive to other people's cues. However, they also jump to conclusions very quickly, and when they do, they tend to misinterpret people's emotional states.
Practicing patience is an essential lesson for someone with an anxious attachment style.
If you can wait a little longer before reacting and jumping to conclusions, you will be able to understand the world around you and use it to your advantage.
If you're anxious, you may want to learn a lot about dating someone avoidant because of the following reasons:
You want closeness and intimacy, and they want to maintain some distance - emotionally and physically.
You are very sensitive to any rejection, and they send mixed signals that you often interpret as rejection.
You often find it challenging to read verbal and non-verbal cues during communication and they don't think it's their responsibility to do so.
You need to be reassured, shown love, and feel loved, but they tend to put you down to create distance as a means to deactivate their own attachment system.
Effective communication means that you communicate in a way that is inoffensive and does not put your partner on the spot but allows them to be open with you without feeling attacked, criticized, or blamed.
Learn what suppresses your ability to attach to others in a meaningful way
Your attachment style decides what you expect in relationships, how you interpret and see romantic situations, and how you behave with your date or partner.
Avoidant attachment types may try to keep people at a distance, even in a serious relationship.
Here are some popular strategies that suppress one's attachment system:
Acting or thinking, "I'm not ready to commit"
Focusing on minute imperfections in your partner
Flirting with others without caring about your partner's thoughts
Not saying, "I love you," often
Avoiding physical closeness
If you're avoidant, you may unconsciously act out these small, everyday deactivating strategies to ensure that the person you love won't get in the way of your freedom.
Imagine if a parent couldn't read their infant's cues. The parent wouldn't tell whether their baby is hungry or tired, wanting to be held or left alone, wet or sick. How difficult life would be for the baby and the parents. The baby would have to labor hard and cry so much longer to be understood.
An avoidant attachment style can often make you feel like this. You will not be firm at translating the many verbal and nonverbal signals you receive during everyday interactions into a coherent understanding of your lover's mental state, causing a lot of problems in your relationship.
However, the good news is that there are things you can start doing today to stop pushing love away, such as:
Identifying deactivating strategies.
Removing emphasis on self-reliance and focusing on mutual support.
Being with a very secure partner.
Knowing your tendency to misinterpret behaviors.
Avoidants should embrace the idea of finding a partner who is a fit for them to help push down their avoidant behaviors and thoughts so they can focus on the positives.
Cultivate the secure attachment style to enjoy higher levels of satisfaction.
Many experts agree those with avoidant attachment styles tend to be less happy and satisfied in their relationships, because they can never totally connect with their partner. They will always have something on their minds that makes them question whether it's right, safe, and appropriate to be there.
It is believed that each attachment style evolved and improved to increase the survival chances of humans in particular environments.
Studies have demonstrated that individuals with a secure attachment style report higher satisfaction levels in their relationships than people with other attachment styles. Happiness is the primary measure of satisfaction.
People with a secure attachment style are more likely than others to forgive their partner for wrongdoing. Secure people naturally dwell less on the negative and can turn off upsetting emotions without becoming defensively distant.
People with secure attachment styles fare better in relationships and create fantastic effects, raising their insecure partner's relationship satisfaction and functioning to a greater level.
So, if you're with someone secure, they will nurture you into a more confident stance.
Some of the following characteristics influence every aspect of romantic relationships:
Great conflict deflators
Mentally flexible and smart
Effective and great communicators (NVC)
Avoids game playing
Comfortable with closeness and boundaries
Quick to forgive
Practices and views sex and emotional intimacy as one
Treats their partners like royalty, with respect
Secure and confident in their power to improve the relationship
Responsible for their partners' overall wellbeing
There is evidence to show that a secure attachment style doesn't originate from a single source. Many factors, aside from parenting, such as genes and romantic experiences as adults, come together to create a safe attachment pattern.
Making a secure base for your partner entails that you do the following:
Manage conflict effectively
Don't play games
Set boundaries
Be quick to forgive
Learn more about Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples
Have mental flexibility
Communicate compassionately and effectively
Be secure in your power to improve the relationship
Treat your partner like royalty
Non-violent Communication NVC Skills can help tremendously
Conclusion
Genes sometimes affect the way we act and the decisions we make. However, to become attracted and attached to another, we must use our willpower and focus on learning the nature of attachment to create healthy and strong connections. Connections are essential for a happy life, after all.
Always remember that your attachment needs are legitimate. Do not feel bad for depending on the person you are closest to - it is part of your genetic makeup. A relationship or attachment should make you feel more confident, happier and give you peace of mind. If it doesn't, this is a wake-up call to make things better. Above all, remain true to your authentic self; avoid playing games - it will only distance you from your ultimate goal of finding real joy and happiness, be it with your current partner or someone else.
It's easy to focus on the things you deem to be negative about yourself, but the truth is that nobody is perfect; we all have strengths and weaknesses. Concentrating on your weaknesses too much will not allow your strengths to shine, and as such, you'll beat yourself up for minor mistakes you make. Relationships are about give and take but there also about trust and weaknesses. Concentrating on your weaknesses too much will not allow your strengths to shine, and as such, you'll beat yourself up for minor mistakes you make. Relationships are about give and take, but they're also about trust and forgiveness.
It's time for a bit of soul searching. Do you avoid commitment, or do you run towards it too fast?
How do you interact with your partner? Do you truly listen to them, or do you speak over them all the time? Sometimes we make small mistakes without realizing it, purely because they're part of our genetic makeup. However, that doesn't mean you can't identify them and then work to change their adverse effects.
Try this:
• Practice using NVC Nonviolent Communication (aka Compassionate Communication).
• Learn to listen as much as you speak! Effective communication isn't just about saying words in the right way; it's also about listening to your partner and reading body language to get the whole picture.
• Identify your attachment style. Do you avoid attachment out of fear? Understanding your attachment style will allow you to make progress and overcome any blocks between you and relationship happiness
• Have trust and patience in your partner.
• Learn about the Gottman Approach.
Sometimes it takes people a little longer to open up, and that's okay! Rushing the situation will only lead to a negative outcome. Take your time!
Book an appointment with Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney to learn more about your attachment style:
https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ElizabethMahaneyLMHCMFTPhD