Self-Soothing and Emotion Regulation Worksheet

This is a Self-Soothing and Emotion Regulation Worksheet to help you practice soothing your central nervous system.

Name: ___________________________ Date: ___________________________

1. Grounding Techniques to Reduce Dissociation

Purpose: To help you reconnect with the present moment and reduce feelings of dissociation.

Instructions: When you start to feel disconnected or spaced out, try the following grounding exercises.

A. Sensory Awareness

• 5 Things You Can See:

• 4 Things You Can Touch:

• 3 Things You Can Hear:

• 2 Things You Can Smell:

• 1 Thing You Can Taste:

2. Breathing Exercises to Regulate Emotions

Purpose: To help you manage intense emotions and bring a sense of calm.

Instructions: Practice the following breathing techniques when you feel overwhelmed.

A. Deep Breathing

1. Find a comfortable position.

2. Inhale slowly through your nose for a count of 4.

3. Hold your breath for a count of 4.

4. Exhale slowly through your mouth for a count of 6.

5. Repeat 5-10 times or until you feel calmer.

B. Box Breathing

1. Inhale through your nose for a count of 4.

2. Hold your breath for a count of 4.

3. Exhale through your mouth for a count of 4.

4. Hold your breath for a count of 4.

5. Repeat 4-6 times or until you feel more regulated.

3. Self-Soothing Techniques to Feel Safe

Purpose: To help you create a sense of safety and comfort.

Instructions: Choose any of the following activities to practice when you need to self-soothe.

A. Physical Comfort

• Wrap yourself in a cozy blanket.

• Hold a soft stuffed animal or pillow.

• Take a warm bath or shower.

B. Soothing Sounds

• Listen to calming music or nature sounds.

• Hum or sing a favorite song softly.

C. Gentle Movement

• Practice gentle stretching or yoga.

• Go for a slow, mindful walk.

D. Comforting Smells

• Light a scented candle or use essential oils (lavender, chamomile).

• Smell a favorite lotion or perfume.

4. Positive Affirmations

Purpose: To help you counter negative thoughts and foster a sense of self-worth.

Instructions: Repeat these affirmations to yourself daily, or whenever you need reassurance.

1. I am safe and in control.

2. I am deserving of love and respect.

3. I am strong and capable.

4. My feelings are valid.

5. I am worthy of self-care and kindness.

5. Emergency Contact List

Purpose: To ensure you have support when you need it.

Instructions: Fill in the contact information for people and resources you can reach out to in times of need.

• Therapist: ___________________________________ Phone: ______________________

• Trusted Friend/Family Member: ___________________________ Phone: ______________

• Crisis Hotline: _________________________________ Phone: ______________________

• Emergency Services: ____________________________ Phone: ______________________

6. Reflection and Journaling

Purpose: To help you process your emotions and experiences.

Instructions: Use the space below to write about your thoughts, feelings, and any experiences you want to reflect on.

Daily Check-In

Purpose: To monitor your emotional state and practice self-care.

Instructions: Complete this check-in each day.

Date: ___________________________

How do I feel today?

• Emotion(s): ________________________

• Intensity (1-10): _____________________

What self-soothing technique will I use today?

What positive affirmation will I focus on today?

Remember:

You are taking important steps towards healing and self-care. Be gentle with yourself and use these techniques as tools to support your journey. Reach out for help whenever you need it.

Therapist Contact Information:
Name: _________________________
Phone: _________________________
Email: _________________________

Notes:

By Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, NCC, DCC, Ph.D

SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY, WELLNESS, MARRIAGE & FAMILY THERAPY

Book Appointment

Call or Text (813)240-3237

Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Marriage & Family Therapist

❤️ Marriage & Family Therapist 💍 Gottman Relationship Counselor 🧠 Licensed Mental Health Counselor 🏫 Harvard Trained ❤️‍🩹 Emotion Focused Therapist 👂🏽 Non-Violent Communication Facilitator 🌎 National Certified Counselor👩🏼‍⚕️ Private Practitioner 📈 Entrepreneur, Author & Mentor 🎓Qualified Supervisor for State Licensure ⚖️ FL Supreme Court Family Law Mediator 🥅 Solution Focused ✌🏻Conflict Resolver 🥰 Self Compassion & Self Care Advocate 🧘🏼‍♀️ Mindfulness Meditating Yogi 🤔 Daily Intentions & Reflections 👩‍❤️‍👨 Attachment Theorist 🗣 Neuro Linguistic Programming Practitioner ✏️ Agile Learning Center Founder 📚 Self Directed Education Alliance 🧑‍🌾 Grower: Fruit Trees & Herbs 🍽 Psychology of Eating & Nutrition 👩‍🏫 Life Long Learner... 📍 Tampa, FL & Jurisdiction to practice in FL, CT, NC, SC, MD, VA

www.SouthTampaCounselor.com

SouthTampaTherapy@gmail.com

Navigating the "Roommate Phase" in Relationships: Tips from a Relationship Counselor

As a relationship counselor, I often find myself discussing the challenges couples face as they navigate the different phases of their relationship. One of the most common phases couples experience is what many refer to as the "roommate phase." This phase can feel distant, routine, and lacking in the emotional and physical connection that once felt effortless.

My partner and I have faced our fair share of roommate phases, and through personal experience and professional knowledge, we've developed strategies to reignite our connection. Drawing from the wisdom of renowned relationship experts like John Gottman and the Emotionally Focused Therapy approach, here are some tips that have worked wonders for us:

1. Intentional Quality Time Set aside a specific time each night to put away distractions, especially phones, and focus solely on each other. This intentional quality time fosters open communication and strengthens emotional connection.

2. Prioritize Date Nights Spending time away from the daily grind and kids is crucial. Date nights allow you to reconnect, have fun together, and remember why you fell in love in the first place.

3. Reignite Physical Intimacy Don't underestimate the power of physical affection. Make an effort to kiss and make out like you used to when your relationship was new and exciting.

4. Sync Your Bedtime Going to bed at the same time can create a sense of closeness and intimacy. It's a simple yet effective way to maintain connection and ensure quality time together.

5. Share Household Chores Teamwork makes the dream work! Sharing household chores fosters collaboration and mutual appreciation, strengthening your bond as a couple.

6. Have Meaningful Conversations Sit down and ask the tough questions:

• "Why are we drifting into the roommate phase?"

• "How can we enhance our connection?"

• "What can we do differently to come back together?"

• "Here's what I need from you. What do you need from me?"

7. Embrace the Little Things Small gestures can make a big difference. Whether it's a good morning kiss or a surprise love note, these little acts of kindness and affection go a long way in maintaining connection.

8. Acknowledge the Phase Recognize that the roommate phase is just that – a phase. It's a natural part of many long-term relationships and an opportunity for growth and reconnection.

Gottman's Insights: John Gottman emphasizes the importance of friendship and fondness in relationships. Cultivate a culture of appreciation and admiration for each other. Remember the qualities that you love and appreciate in your partner and express them regularly.

Emotionally Focused Therapy Tips: Emotionally Focused Therapy focuses on creating a secure emotional bond between partners. Validate each other's feelings and emotions, and be open to vulnerability. Create a safe space where both partners feel heard, understood, and valued.

In conclusion, navigating the roommate phase requires effort, communication, and a commitment to your relationship. By incorporating these tips into your daily life and embracing the guidance of relationship experts like Gottman and Emotionally Focused Therapy, you can reignite the spark and strengthen your connection with your partner. Remember, every phase is an opportunity to grow and deepen your love for each other.

By Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, NCC, Ph.D

SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY, WELLNESS, MARRIAGE & FAMILY THERAPY

Book Appointment

Call or Text (813)240-3237

Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Marriage & Family Therapist

❤️ Marriage & Family Therapist 💍 Gottman Relationship Counselor 🧠 Licensed Mental Health Counselor 👂🏽 Non-Violent Communication Facilitator 🌎 National Certified Counselor 👩🏼‍⚕️ Private Practitioner 📈 Entrepreneur, Author & Mentor 🎓Qualified Supervisor for State Licensure ⚖️ FL Supreme Court Family Law Mediator 🥅 Solution Focused ✌🏻Conflict Resolver ❤️ Self Compassion & Self Care Advocate 🧘🏼‍♀️ Mindfulness Meditating Yogi 🤔 Daily Intentions & Reflections 🗣 Neuro Linguistic Programming ✏️ Agile Learning Center Founder 📚 Self Directed Education Alliance 🧑‍🌾 Grower: Fruit Trees & Herbs 🍽 Psychology of Eating & Nutrition 👩‍🏫 Life Long Learner... 📍 Tampa, FL & Jurisdiction to practice in FL, CT, NC, SC, MD, VA

Understanding Emotion Dismissing in Relationships: Effects on Partners & Strategies for Healing

If you've ever found yourself feeling shut off by your partner, it can be extremely hurtful. Sharing our innermost thoughts and emotions with our partner is a vulnerable yet meaningful act. However, when met with indifference, invalidation, or dismissal from our partner, this vulnerability can lead to deep wounds and a sense of emotional disconnection. In this blog post, we'll delve into the impact of emotion dismissing in relationships and explore strategies for nurturing a more empathetic and validating connection with our partners.

What is Emotion Dismissing? 

Emotion dismissing refers to the act of downplaying or disregarding the feelings and emotions expressed by one's partner. It can manifest in various forms, including outright denial of the validity of the emotions, belittling the significance of the feelings, or ignoring them altogether. This behavior can occur consciously or unconsciously and often stems from a lack of emotional awareness, communication skills, or empathy.

Impact on Relationships

For the partner experiencing emotion dismissing, the effects can be deeply distressing and invalidating. They may feel unheard, misunderstood, and unimportant in the relationship. Each instance of dismissal can chip away at their sense of self-worth, leaving them questioning the validity of their emotions and their place within the partnership. Over time, these repeated dismissals can erode their self-esteem and confidence in expressing their feelings authentically. This erosion of trust and emotional safety can lead to a gradual withdrawal, as they begin to protect themselves from further hurt by withholding their emotions or withdrawing from emotional intimacy altogether. Additionally, unresolved emotions may accumulate, resulting in heightened conflict and distance in the relationship, as the unresolved tensions simmer beneath the surface, waiting to erupt.

Conversely, for the partner engaging in emotion dismissing, their behavior may stem from a sense of overwhelm and a need to protect themselves from the discomfort of the feelings being shared. However, in their attempt to shield themselves from discomfort, they inadvertently inflict harm on their partner. They also may struggle to find validity in their partner's perspective, perceiving it as utterly ridiculous. Their dismissive responses create a pattern of invalidation and conflict, further eroding the emotional connection and trust within the relationship. Over time, this cycle can lead to feelings of guilt, disconnection, and relational distress for both partners, as they find themselves caught in a downward spiral of misunderstanding and hurt.

Strategies for Healing and Navigating Emotion Dismissing

Emotion dismissing often stems from our own discomfort with emotions, feelings of overwhelm, or a lack of confidence in handling our partner's feelings. Learning to validate our partner is a crucial skill in nurturing connection and trust. By acknowledging and holding space for our partner's emotions, regardless of our agreement, we create a profound sense of understanding and support. Cultivating this emotional awareness enables us to deepen our understanding of our own and our partner's emotions. Building a culture of emotional safety in our relationship, where both partners feel safe expressing themselves, is essential for maintaining closeness and connection. This may involve preparing ourselves to respond to challenging feelings with empathy and understanding. Developing confidence in our ability to manage difficult emotions is key to navigating these challenges together. It is also important to note that emotion dismissing can result from misinterpretations of our partner's expressions, leading us to feel attacked. Ultimately, it is through building a foundation of mutual respect that a safe space for honest expression can be created. 

Seeking guidance from a therapist can help clarify these underlying reasons and provide support for making different choices in how we engage with our partner's emotions. If you're ready to explore these concepts further and embark on your journey towards healthier relational dynamics, you can reach out today and sign up for therapy using my link below.

Written by Chelsea Reeves, MFT-I 

Book a session with me using the link below:

https://southtampatherapybookappt.as.me/ChelseaR

Optimizing Couples Therapy: Exploring Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and the Gottman Method

Unlocking the Power of Couples Counseling: A Comprehensive Comparison

Introduction: Choosing the Best Couples Therapy for You

Choosing the right couples therapy is crucial, considering the investment of time, money, and effort. In this Therapy Integration Series, we delve into two research-based approaches: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and Gottman Couples Therapy (GCT). Explore their similarities, differences, and discover ways to integrate both for more resilient and loving relationships.

Common Ground: EFT and GCT

Foundations of Emotional Regulation and Connection

Dr. John Gottman (GCT) and Dr. Sue Johnson (EFT) converge on a fundamental principle: enhancing emotional regulation and connection between partners. Both methods focus on cultivating awareness of emotions, providing comfort during distress, and building a secure emotional bond. The goal is to enable partners to respond and support each other effectively.

Shared Traits: EFT and GCT

1. Short-Term Counseling Approaches: EFT and GCT offer structured, short-term therapy ranging from 8-30 sessions.

2. In-Session Practice: Both methods emphasize organizing interactions during sessions to facilitate new ways of opening up to each other.

3. Focus on Accessibility: EFT and GCT aim to increase emotional vulnerability and receptiveness, fostering accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement.

4. Client-Centered Approach: Both approaches adopt a client-centered perspective, valuing self-actualization and unconditional positive regard.

Patterns and Habits: EFT and GCT's Common Focus

Both methods contribute to decreasing avoidance and enhancing positive interactional patterns. More details on these patterns will be explored later.

Distinguishing Characteristics: EFT vs. GCT

Emotionally Focused Therapy's View on Relationship Distress:

EFT posits that dysregulation occurs when a couple's bond is disrupted, leading to emotional, mental, and physical distress. Couples get trapped in self-perpetuating cycles, reinforcing avoidant and anxious attachment styles. EFT helps couples recognize these negative cycles, fostering compassion and responsiveness, ultimately creating a secure relationship bond.

Gottman Couples Therapy's Perspective on Relationship Distress:

Gottman identifies the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" – criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling – as behaviors predicting relationship distress. Gottman's clinical approach, based on the "Sound Relationship House Theory," guides couples to deepen friendship, enhance conflict management, and create shared meaning.

Steps in EFT and GCT: Addressing Relationship Distress

Emotionally Focused Therapy Steps:

1. Assess conflict issues and feelings of separateness or connectedness.

2. Identify negative interactional cycles.

3. Express and share emotions underlying each partner's position in the cycle.

4. Reframe conflict understanding in terms of emotions and attachment needs.

5. Identify disowned needs and hidden aspects, sharing them with the partner.

6. Promote acceptance of vulnerable parts and foster new ways of relating.

7. Express needs and wants to create emotional engagement.

8. New solutions emerge for old relationship issues.

9. Solidify newfound cycles of emotional closeness and attachment.

Gottman Couples Therapy Steps:

1. Educate about active expressions of caring and teach emotional communication skills.

2. Increase appreciation, admiration, and create norms to improve safety.

3. Identify satisfying qualities for the relationship and understand personal aspirations.

4. Express emotions constructively, soothing tension after an argument.

5. Resolve unresolvable problems, accept influence, and compromise.

6. Honor each other's hopes and dreams in conflict resolution.

Integrating EFT and GCT: The Perfect Blend

Combine Emotionally Focused Therapy sessions with Gottman Couples Therapy resources for comprehensive support. EFT helps emotionally attune partners, creating a secure attachment, while Gottman tools provide tangible interventions for connecting between sessions. This integrated approach enhances the effectiveness of couples counseling.

Conclusion: Creating Lasting Bonds

For the ideal couples therapy fit, consider integrating Emotionally Focused Therapy and Gottman Couples Therapy. Partner with specialized therapists and leverage the practical tools provided by both methods to maximize the benefits of your counseling experience.

Explore Further:

• Eight Dates by John Gottman

• An Emotionally Focused Workbook for Couples by Veronica Kallos-Lilly

• Gottman Card Deck App

• Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson

• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman

References:

• David, P. (2015). Wedding the Gottman and Johnson Approaches into an Integrated Model of Couple Therapy. The Family Journal, 23(4), 336–345.

• Johnson, S. M. (2004). The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Brunner-Routledge.

• Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2012). What makes love last? New York, NY: Simon & Schuster.

Book with Dr. Liz here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/initialintake

Text Dr. Liz on her cell phone 813-240-3237

Tampa Couples Counseling and South Tampa Marriage Counseling

I specialize in Tampa Couples Counseling and South Tampa Marriage Counseling, offering Relationship Therapy that fosters intimacy and happiness.

As a Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC), Marriage and Family Therapist, Ph.D, and a National Certified Counselor (NCC), I prioritize couples' well-being. At my South Tampa Office, I focus on couples, drawing from my Graduate Certificate in Marriage and Family Therapy (MFT). My approach centers on Gottman Method Couples Therapy, Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT), Internal Family Systems (IFS), and Structural Family Therapy addressing conflict, intimacy, and mutual understanding. I also utilize Compassionate Communication (NVC) to help couples and families use the same language to connect, even through the most difficult conversations.

In relationships, unmet needs often lead to misunderstood conflicts. Love transcends right or wrong; it seeks understanding, appreciation, and empathy. Effective communication holds the key to success.

Effective conflict management and communication are pivotal for a thriving relationship. Ignoring conflict breeds resentment, while poor communication is a precursor to separation or divorce.

Rest assured, your situation, though unique, can be unraveled. Couples often fall into predictable conflict patterns, but with guidance, these can be navigated.

In Couples Therapy, we tackle various issues:

• Communication breakdowns

• Recurring conflicts

• Emotional distance

• Relationship strains

• Commitment concerns

• Infidelity challenges

• Trust and boundaries

• Parenting dynamics

• Pre-marital concerns

• Intimacy and sexual difficulties

• Financial or health-related stress

All couples benefit from counseling, even those with normal conflict levels. Strengthening your relationship and coping mechanisms for future challenges are invaluable.

Let's embark on this journey together. Contact (813) 240-3237 to pave the way for happiness with your partner. I'm here to guide you towards a stronger, happier relationship.

Book with Dr. Liz here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/initialintake

Greetings from Antarctica: The Transformative Power of Travel Adventures on Mental Health and Well-being

As I climbed a snowy hill on the Antarctic Peninsula earlier today, I was struck by how exhilarating it felt to be in subzero temperatures far from the safety and comfort of home. And while friends back in Tampa frolicked in 80-degree weather, I couldn’t have been happier suiting up for an authentic polar plunge in freezing (literally) water. Why does travel, even to destinations closer to home, create feelings of happiness and renewal? 

In our fast-paced world filled with constant demands and pressures, the importance of prioritizing mental health and well-being has become increasingly evident. One avenue that offers a profound impact on mental health is embarking on traveling adventures. Beyond the thrill of exploration and discovery, traveling away from home and our daily hustle offers numerous benefits for mental health and overall well-being.

Stress Reduction and Relaxation

One of the most immediate benefits of adventures in travel is a reduction of stress and promotion of relaxation. Stepping away from familiar surroundings and routine allows us to disconnect from the stressors of daily life. Immersing oneself in new environments, whether it be a serene beach, a bustling city, or a lush mountain landscape, can have a profound impact on stress levels. The change of scenery and exposure to novel experiences trigger a relaxation response, leading to lowered cortisol levels and a sense of calmness.

Enhanced Creativity and Cognitive Flexibility

Travel also stimulates creativity and cognitive flexibility by exposing us to diverse cultures, landscapes, and perspectives. Our brains thrive on novelty, and the exploration of new environments encourages development of new neural connections. Engaging with different cultures fosters an open-minded approach and an ability to adapt to unfamiliar situations, ultimately enhancing cognitive flexibility. This newfound creativity and adaptability gained on our adventures positively impacts problem-solving skills and promotes a more resilient mindset.

Boost in Emotional Resilience

Even those annoying challenges and uncertainties while traveling contribute to the development of emotional resilience. Navigating through unfamiliar territories, dealing with unexpected situations (such as lost luggage), and adapting to diverse cultures all contribute to a heightened ability to cope with adversity. Overcoming these challenges fosters a sense of accomplishment and self-efficacy, reinforcing the belief that we can navigate through difficulties successfully. This increased emotional resilience gained from new adventures can have lasting positive effects on our overall mental health.

Connection and Social Well-being

Travel often involves interacting with new people, whether fellow travelers, locals, or tour guides. Building connections and socializing during these experiences can combat feelings of loneliness and contribute to a sense of belonging. Meeting new people provides us opportunities for personal growth, empathy, and the creation of lasting memories. Positive social experiences while on the road strengthens emotional bonds, reduces feelings of isolation, and contributes to an overall sense of happiness and well-being.

As individuals embark on journeys to explore the world, they not only witness the beauty of different landscapes but also experience transformative changes within themselves. By prioritizing and embracing the positive impact of traveling adventures on mental health, individuals can cultivate a more resilient and balanced approach to life, ultimately leading to a happier and healthier existence.

So drag out your suitcase and get packing!

Bon voyage,

Lana Phillips (Book and appointment with Lana Phillips here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/LanaPhillips

Nurturing Love: How Couples Counseling with the Gottman Approach and Emotion-Focused Therapy Can Transform Relationships

Introduction

Love is a beautiful journey, but it's not always smooth sailing. Every couple faces challenges and moments of discord. However, seeking help through couples counseling can be the beacon of hope that leads to a stronger, more fulfilling partnership. In this blog post, we'll explore how the integration of the Gottman Approach and Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) can be transformative in nurturing love and healing relationships.

Understanding the Gottman Approach

1. Building Strong Foundations: The Gottman Approach emphasizes the importance of creating strong foundations in a relationship. This includes open communication, trust, and a deep understanding of each other's needs and desires.

2. The Art of Effective Communication: Through the Gottman Method, couples learn how to communicate effectively, ensuring that their voices are heard, and their concerns are addressed. This involves active listening, empathy, and expressing oneself in a constructive manner.

3. Navigating Conflict: Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. The Gottman Approach equips couples with tools to navigate disagreements in a healthy and productive way. By identifying harmful communication patterns and learning to replace them with positive interactions, couples can break free from negative cycles.

Emotion-Focused Therapy: Healing from the Inside Out

1. Exploring Emotions: Emotion-Focused Therapy delves deep into the emotional landscape of a relationship. It helps couples identify and express their feelings in a safe and supportive environment.

2. Strengthening Emotional Bonds: By understanding and validating each other's emotions, couples can create a stronger emotional bond. This enables them to support and uplift each other, even in times of difficulty.

3. Healing Past Wounds: EFT provides a platform for couples to address past hurts and wounds. Through guided conversations, couples can work towards forgiveness, letting go of resentment, and finding closure.

The Power of Integration

When the Gottman Approach and Emotion-Focused Therapy come together, their synergy is extraordinary.

1. A Holistic Approach: The Gottman Approach focuses on practical, evidence-backed strategies, while EFT addresses the emotional core of a relationship. Together, they provide a comprehensive toolkit for couples to navigate challenges.

2. Strengthening Communication and Emotional Connection: Through this integrated approach, couples not only learn how to communicate effectively but also deepen their emotional connection. This leads to a more profound understanding of each other's needs and a greater sense of intimacy.

3. Long-Lasting Transformation: The integration of these approaches isn't just about temporary fixes. It's about creating lasting, positive change that enriches the fabric of the relationship.

Conclusion

Couples counseling with the integration of the Gottman Approach and Emotion-Focused Therapy is a powerful journey towards healing and growth. It offers couples the tools to communicate more effectively, understand each other on a deeper level, and ultimately, build a stronger and more resilient partnership. Through this transformative process, couples can nurture their love and create a foundation for a more fulfilling future together.

Cultivate A Secure Attachment Style... without Being Anxious or Avoidant

All relationships are unique - one explanation won't describe them all

Every human being craves a sense of belonging, either toward family, friends, or a spouse. When humans become attached to someone, the influence of one on the other regulates their natural states. It influences each other's psychological and emotional well-being.

Humans need to form close bonds with others in order to feel secure and safe in life.

Relationship problems can be excruciating; they encompass the innermost core of people's lives.

No one has a finite description that fits the bill as each case of relationship issues is unique and personal, coming from an endless number of possible root causes.

You may suffer from constant tension and emotional problems if your partner cannot meet your basic needs, which can have severe consequences on your emotional well-being, self-esteem, and even physical health. That's why it's essential to understand your attachment style and the attachment style of people close to you, especially your spouse. 

Research has shown there are three main attachment styles or manners in which people see, understand, and respond to intimacy in romantic relationships. These findings are parallel to those found in children:

•   Secure attachment style

•   Anxious attachment style

•   Avoidant attachment style

If you are someone with an anxious attachment style, you'll spend a lot of time worrying and thinking about whether your partner loves or cares for you. You will also be bothered about if they're spending enough time with you and what is going on in their mind when they don't call you back within a few minutes of missing your call.

The avoidant attachment style indicates that you value your independence and time alone more than your relationship. A secure attachment style fits between both styles. It is an ideal balance between caring enough and not worrying too much.

People with each of these attachment styles show lots of differences in:

•   The way they see intimacy and togetherness.

•   The way they deal with conflict.

•   Their behavior towards sex.

•   Their ability and means to communicate their wishes and needs.

•   Their expectations and desires from their partner and the relationship.

• In this summary, you will learn more about how you develop attachments to other people and how to enhance your relationships and become closer. After all, isn't that what we all want?

Attachment styles are dictated by your upbringing

Your current attachment style is determined by how you were cared for as a baby. In other words, if your parents were sensitive, available, and responsive, you would have a secure attachment style. If your parents were inconsistent and inappropriately responsive, you would likely develop an anxious attachment style. If they were distant, rigid, uncaring, and unresponsive, you would probably display an avoidant attachment style.

But this doesn't mean you can't change your attachment style over time; you would need to have positive experiences with partners, friends, and family members in order to turn the tide to help rewire your brain into thinking a new way.

The way you were treated as a child affects your life in a huge way. You learn how to love, feel, and react from your parents.

However, total change isn't always necessary.

Sometimes it's better to understand your current style of attachment, work out the negative elements and twist them into something positive, and learn to get the most out of your situation.

Someone with an anxious attachment style can learn to be more at ease when away from their partner. That doesn't mean they're instantly going to be comfortable with it and have no issues from that point onwards. It simply means that they're making baby steps towards changing a harmful habit. Whether a person can ever entirely change their attachment style is very debatable. What you can do is identify your partner's attachment style and be more understanding.

Did you know? The "dependency paradox" states that the closer you are to your partner, the more independent you're able to become on your own.

It means that you know you have someone close to you if you need support or help.

When you understand attachment, you're able to connect more meaningfully with other people.

Understanding your specific attachment profile will help you know yourself more, achieve more goals, and guide you in your relations with others, bringing happiness and fulfillment to your relationships.

When people hear about relationship attachment styles, they usually have no difficulty recognizing their style. Some people declare right away, "I'm anxious," "I'm avoidant," or, "I think I'm secure," while others have a more challenging time figuring it out.

Attachment styles are stable most of the time but still subject to change.

If you find it difficult figuring out your attachment style, the following guide will help:

•   If you feel quite relaxed around your partner and you're not constantly questioning the connection, you're secure in your union.

•   Suppose you desire and long for intimacy and closeness, but you have many insecurities, are unsure where the relationship is going, and little things your partner does sets you off and anger you. In this case, you're probably anxious.

• You're probably avoidant if you feel uncomfortable when things become steamy and intimate, or you value your independence and freedom more than any relationship.

Discovering other people's attachment styles is usually more stringent than identifying your own. You alone know yourself best, but knowing yourself is not just how you behave; it's also what you feel and think when in a relationship. To make this easier, most people give away all the clues about their attachment style by how they live their lives and their actions without even knowing it. The deal is to know what to look for.

Golden Rules for discovering your partner's attachment style:

•   Find out whether they seek intimacy and closeness.

•   Discover how preoccupied and involved they are with the relationship and how sensitive they are to rejection.

•   Don't focus on one "symptom," look for various signs.

• Assess their reaction to effective communication.

•   Be alert and look for what they are not saying or doing                                                               

  Things to note before getting serious with a partner

• When getting involved with someone, carefully tread; the stakes are high, and your happiness depends on it, especially true if you have an anxious attachment style. All happiness or unhappiness solely depends upon the quality of the object to which love attaches us.

• People with an anxious attachment style are quick to notice changes in others' emotional expressions. They are also sensitive to other people's cues. However, they also jump to conclusions very quickly, and when they do, they tend to misinterpret people's emotional states.

• Practicing patience is an essential lesson for someone with an anxious attachment style.

• If you can wait a little longer before reacting and jumping to conclusions, you will be able to understand the world around you and use it to your advantage.

  If you're anxious, you may want to learn a lot about dating someone avoidant because of the following reasons:

• You want closeness and intimacy, and they want to maintain some distance - emotionally and physically.

• You are very sensitive to any rejection, and they send mixed signals that you often interpret as rejection.

• You often find it challenging to read verbal and non-verbal cues during communication and they don't think it's their responsibility to do so. 

• You need to be reassured, shown love, and feel loved, but they tend to put you down to create distance as a means to deactivate their own attachment system.                                                

• Effective communication means that you communicate in a way that is inoffensive and does not put your partner on the spot but allows them to be open with you without feeling attacked, criticized, or blamed.

Learn what suppresses your ability to attach to others in a meaningful way

Your attachment style decides what you expect in relationships, how you interpret and see romantic situations, and how you behave with your date or partner.

Avoidant attachment types may try to keep people at a distance, even in a serious relationship.

Here are some popular strategies that suppress one's attachment system:

•   Acting or thinking, "I'm not ready to commit"

•   Focusing on minute imperfections in your partner

•   Flirting with others without caring about your partner's thoughts

•   Not saying, "I love you," often

•   Avoiding physical closeness

If you're avoidant, you may unconsciously act out these small, everyday deactivating strategies to ensure that the person you love won't get in the way of your freedom.

Imagine if a parent couldn't read their infant's cues. The parent wouldn't tell whether their baby is hungry or tired, wanting to be held or left alone, wet or sick. How difficult life would be for the baby and the parents. The baby would have to labor hard and cry so much longer to be understood.

An avoidant attachment style can often make you feel like this. You will not be firm at translating the many verbal and nonverbal signals you receive during everyday interactions into a coherent understanding of your lover's mental state, causing a lot of problems in your relationship.

However, the good news is that there are things you can start doing today to stop pushing love away, such as:

•   Identifying deactivating strategies.

•   Removing emphasis on self-reliance and focusing on mutual support.

•   Being with a very secure partner.

•   Knowing your tendency to misinterpret behaviors.

Avoidants should embrace the idea of finding a partner who is a fit for them to help push down their avoidant behaviors and thoughts so they can focus on the positives.

Cultivate the secure attachment style to enjoy higher levels of satisfaction.

Many experts agree those with avoidant attachment styles tend to be less happy and satisfied in their relationships, because they can never totally connect with their partner. They will always have something on their minds that makes them question whether it's right, safe, and appropriate to be there.

It is believed that each attachment style evolved and improved to increase the survival chances of humans in particular environments.

Studies have demonstrated that individuals with a secure attachment style report higher satisfaction levels in their relationships than people with other attachment styles. Happiness is the primary measure of satisfaction.

People with a secure attachment style are more likely than others to forgive their partner for wrongdoing. Secure people naturally dwell less on the negative and can turn off upsetting emotions without becoming defensively distant.

People with secure attachment styles fare better in relationships and create fantastic effects, raising their insecure partner's relationship satisfaction and functioning to a greater level.

So, if you're with someone secure, they will nurture you into a more confident stance.

Some of the following characteristics influence every aspect of romantic relationships:

•   Great conflict deflators

•   Mentally flexible and smart

•   Effective and great communicators (NVC)

•   Avoids game playing

•   Comfortable with closeness and boundaries

•   Quick to forgive

•   Practices and views sex and emotional intimacy as one

•   Treats their partners like royalty, with respect

•   Secure and confident in their power to improve the relationship

•   Responsible for their partners' overall wellbeing

There is evidence to show that a secure attachment style doesn't originate from a single source. Many factors, aside from parenting, such as genes and romantic experiences as adults, come together to create a safe attachment pattern.

Making a secure base for your partner entails that you do the following:

•   Manage conflict effectively 

•   Don't play games

•   Be comfortable with closeness

•   Set boundaries

•   Be quick to forgive

• Learn more about Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples

•   Have mental flexibility

•   Communicate compassionately and effectively

•   Be secure in your power to improve the relationship

•   Treat your partner like royalty

• Non-violent Communication NVC Skills can help tremendously 

Conclusion

Genes sometimes affect the way we act and the decisions we make. However, to become attracted and attached to another, we must use our willpower and focus on learning the nature of attachment to create healthy and strong connections. Connections are essential for a happy life, after all.

Always remember that your attachment needs are legitimate. Do not feel bad for depending on the person you are closest to - it is part of your genetic makeup. A relationship or attachment should make you feel more confident, happier and give you peace of mind. If it doesn't, this is a wake-up call to make things better. Above all, remain true to your authentic self; avoid playing games - it will only distance you from your ultimate goal of finding real joy and happiness, be it with your current partner or someone else.

It's easy to focus on the things you deem to be negative about yourself, but the truth is that nobody is perfect; we all have strengths and weaknesses. Concentrating on your weaknesses too much will not allow your strengths to shine, and as such, you'll beat yourself up for minor mistakes you make. Relationships are about give and take but there also about trust and weaknesses. Concentrating on your weaknesses too much will not allow your strengths to shine, and as such, you'll beat yourself up for minor mistakes you make. Relationships are about give and take, but they're also about trust and forgiveness.

It's time for a bit of soul searching. Do you avoid commitment, or do you run towards it too fast?

How do you interact with your partner? Do you truly listen to them, or do you speak over them all the time? Sometimes we make small mistakes without realizing it, purely because they're part of our genetic makeup. However, that doesn't mean you can't identify them and then work to change their adverse effects.

Try this:

• Practice using NVC Nonviolent Communication (aka Compassionate Communication).

• Learn to listen as much as you speak! Effective communication isn't just about saying words in the right way; it's also about listening to your partner and reading body language to get the whole picture.

• Identify your attachment style. Do you avoid attachment out of fear? Understanding your attachment style will allow you to make progress and overcome any blocks between you and relationship happiness   

• Have trust and patience in your partner.

• Learn about the Gottman Approach.

Sometimes it takes people a little longer to open up, and that's okay! Rushing the situation will only lead to a negative outcome. Take your time!

Book an appointment with Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney to learn more about your attachment style:

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ElizabethMahaneyLMHCMFTPhD

How I Integrate Gottman Method Couples Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy

Integrating the Gottman Method Couples Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy allows for a flexible approach that can shift between relationship-building and attachment-oriented therapy based on the client's needs. In the late 1970s and early 1980s, Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Susan Johnson conducted pioneering research on creating happy and lasting relationships. Initially known primarily in academic circles, their work provided an empirical foundation to the often chaotic and unpredictable field of couples therapy.

Both Gottman and Johnson developed unique models of successful adult relationships, based on different perspectives and data sets. Gottman's research focused on longitudinal and observational studies of couples, examining both distressed relationships and satisfying ones. Johnson, on the other hand, drew from the theoretical framework of John Bowlby and her extensive experience in decoding and tracking couples therapy sessions, resulting in an empirical model of couples therapy.

The Gottmans emphasized relationship skill-building and an existential lens, while Johnson's approach was firmly grounded in Attachment Theory. There were also differences in their views on couples therapy and the role of the therapist. The Gottmans cautioned against therapists becoming indispensable to the couple and encouraged coaching couples to manage their own conflicts and intimacy. Johnson, however, saw the therapist as a "secure base" and aimed to create a secure container where anxiously or avoidantly attached partners could express vulnerable feelings and needs.

Despite their differences, the exciting development lies in the convergence of their approaches and the ability to seamlessly integrate both in couples therapy. This integration allows therapists to adapt their approach based on the couple's emotional system.

When working with couples, I begin with the Gottman Method, using the Sound Relationship House model. It provides a practical and understandable framework that couples can readily adopt. The structured assessment process of the Gottman Method is reassuring and transparent, allowing couples to share their story, be heard individually and together, and identify their relationship strengths and areas for growth. The process instills hope as strengths are highlighted, growth areas are connected with specific skills to be learned, and couples leave with a roadmap for their therapeutic journey.

However, the real work starts when addressing the emotional focus and the influence of attachment histories, styles, and internal working models in intimate relationships, as recognized by both Gottman and Johnson. While helping couples replace destructive patterns with healthier alternatives, I am attuned to their negative emotional cycles and unresolved hurts. With Gottman's language and relationship science in one hand and Johnson's emotion-focused and interpersonal tools in the other, I weave both approaches into the therapeutic process.

For example, when addressing criticism and contempt, I provide practical information to one spouse while simultaneously validating and exploring the attachment needs and emotions of the other partner. I employ Gottman's structured exercises, such as the Aftermath of a Regrettable Incident form, to help couples process arguments and improve their dialogue. Simultaneously, I examine the underlying dynamics of the conflict, considering attachment histories and their impact on individuals' ability to let go of anger or offer tenderness.

The integration of Gottman and Johnson becomes evident in working with bids, turning towards, and processing failed bids. I understand that not all hurts are equal and that certain emotional injuries can be traumatic, triggering deeply held beliefs about oneself, the partner, and relationships. Gottman's Sound Relationship House theory helps couples understand the connection between emotional bank accounts and the overall health of the relationship. Johnson's tools, on the other hand, aid in repairing depleted emotional accounts, acknowledging and healing attachment injuries, and restoring the bond between partners.

While I confess my initial affinity for the Gottman Method, finding comfort in its alignment with my therapeutic style, Johnson's approach challenges me to navigate the depths of primary emotions.

References:

Gottman, J.M. (2007). Marital Therapy: A research-based approach. Training manual for the Level I professional workshop for clinicians. Seattle, WA: The Gottman Institute.

Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. New York: Little Brown and Company.

Meunier, V. and Baker, W. (2012). Positive Couple Relationships: The evidence for long lasting relationship satisfaction and happiness. In Roffey, S. (Ed.) Positive Relationships: Evidence-based practice across the world. Sydney, Australia: Springer Publications.

Young, M.A. (2005). Creating a Confluence: An Interview With Susan Johnson and John Gottman. The Family Journal, 13(2), 219-225.

Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, Ph.D

Book an appointment with Dr. Liz: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/initialintake

Why your therapist won’t tell you what to do

One question us therapists often hear from our clients is, “What should I do?”

It makes sense that a client would want our advice. After all, we are often the only people in our clients’ lives who know all of the intricate matters of their hearts. We sit with the ambivalent feelings, desires, and conundrums our clients find themselves encountering. And, because we aren’t interwoven in our clients lives in the way that a friend or family member is, we aren’t directly impacted by the decisions our clients make. In short, we get the full picture without being in the picture. So, why shouldn’t we give them advice? 

Let me answer this question by painting a picture of a hypothetical client scenario. In this situation, a client has been dissatisfied with her relationship for quite some time. She feels that her partner cannot connect with her on an emotional level, and their sex life has been lackluster for the past year. She explains the full details of her situation to her therapist and asks, “What should I do?” Her therapist says, “Well, it sounds like this may not be the best relationship for you. I think you should leave.” 

What are the possibilities coming out of this? Let’s consider a few. 1. The client leaves her partner but later feels she has made a mistake. 2. The client leaves her partner and is thrilled about making the decision, but she is robbed of her confidence in her ability to make her own decisions and relies on her therapist for all future major decisions. 3. The client stays in the relationship and no longer trusts the therapist's opinion. 4. The client finds that she actually resents being told what to do and ghosts her therapist, losing faith in therapy and never getting the therapeutic help that would have helped her confront her deeper underlying reasons for seeking help in the first place.

As you can see, there is no winning when we provide advice to our clients.

In fact, this can do more harm than good. When providing an opinion, we may also fall into the unethical trap of imposing our own beliefs and values onto our clients – a direct violation of our ethical code. We also strip our clients of the very empowerment they come to therapy to build. While providing an answer to our clients’ problems may temporarily provide relief from uncertainty, it also reinforces reliance on the therapist to provide a sense of certainty. We want our clients to stand in their own power and trust in themselves – and to believe that no matter what the outcome of their dilemma, they will be able to handle it. 

So, what do we do when our clients ask us, “What should I do?”

We have several approaches we can take. We can help our clients to think through the pros and cons of each choice. Through this process, we may collectively uncover possibilities our clients had not thought of before. We might even go deeper than the surface level questions, challenging catastrophizing, black-and-white thinking, and other cognitive distortions. Perhaps we’ll find that the situation is not as bleak as it seems. If a client seems to be intellectualizing a choice, we might focus on expressing feelings and underlying needs. Contrary to popular belief, feelings and needs play an important role in decision-making and should not be ignored. Finally, we might explore how similar situations in the past are connected to the client’s emotions and beliefs about the current situation – or even confront the concepts of uncertainty and control more abstractly. 

We therapists are certainly flattered that our clients think our opinions are worth seeking on-high stakes decisions. But we also care about our clients enough to not tell them what to do. What we can do – and what is ultimately far more helpful – is  help them gain more insight into themselves. And this in itself is so powerful. Because when our clients know themselves better, they can make better-informed decisions that are aligned with their own goals, values, and beliefs.  

Book with Author Kaitlin Lowey: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/KaitlinLowey

Are You Arguing with Your Spouse?

Many couples believe that arguing with their spouse is a sign of a troubled relationship. However, the truth is that disagreements are a natural part of any healthy relationship. In fact, it's normal and even healthy for couples to have arguments from time to time. Here are some reasons why it's okay to argue with your spouse.

1. It allows for honest communication: Arguing with your spouse can provide an opportunity for honest communication. When couples argue, they are expressing their true feelings, thoughts, and concerns. This kind of communication is essential to building a strong and healthy relationship.

2. It helps to resolve conflicts: Disagreements can provide an opportunity to resolve conflicts. When couples argue, they are addressing issues that need to be resolved. By working through these conflicts together, couples can strengthen their relationship and create a deeper understanding of each other.

3. It shows that you care: Arguing with your spouse can also be a sign that you care about each other. When couples argue, they are expressing their passion, which is a sign of emotional investment in the relationship. It shows that you are willing to stand up for your beliefs and values, which can create a more meaningful relationship.

4. It leads to growth and learning: Arguing with your spouse can also lead to personal growth and learning. When couples argue, they are challenging each other's perspectives, which can lead to new insights and understanding. By working through conflicts and disagreements, couples can learn from each other and grow together.

5. It can bring you closer together: Finally, arguing with your spouse can actually bring you closer together. When couples argue, they are working through difficult issues together, which can create a stronger bond. By being willing to engage in difficult conversations, couples can create a deeper connection and a more intimate relationship.

Arguing with your spouse is a natural and healthy part of any relationship. It allows for honest communication, helps to resolve conflicts, shows that you care, leads to growth and learning, and can bring you closer together. The key is to approach arguments with respect, empathy, and a willingness to listen to each other's perspectives. By doing so, you can turn disagreements into opportunities for growth and strengthen your relationship in the process.

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Author: Crystin Nichols
Book Appointment: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/CrystinNicholsMFTI

What is Emotionally Focused Therapy?

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a type of therapy that focuses on helping couples understand and manage their emotions in order to improve their relationship. EFT has been found to be particularly effective in helping couples who are struggling with issues such as communication, intimacy, and trust. In this blog post, we will explore how EFT works and the impact it can have on a relationship.

How EFT Works
EFT is based on the idea that emotions are the foundation of all human relationships. According to EFT, negative emotions such as fear, anger, and sadness can lead to conflict and disconnection in a relationship. The goal of EFT is to help couples identify and manage these negative emotions in order to create a more secure and loving relationship.
In EFT, couples work with a therapist to identify the patterns of behavior that are causing conflict in their relationship. The therapist then helps the couple to explore the emotions that are driving these patterns of behavior. This often involves identifying the primary emotions that are underlying more negative emotions such as anger or frustration.
Once the couple has identified the underlying emotions, the therapist works with them to develop new patterns of behavior that are more in line with their emotional needs. This can involve learning new communication skills, expressing emotions in a healthier way, and developing a deeper understanding of each other's emotional needs.

The Impact of EFT on Relationships
Research has shown that EFT can be highly effective in helping couples improve their relationship. Studies have found that EFT can lead to significant improvements in communication, intimacy, and overall relationship satisfaction.
One study published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy found that couples who participated in EFT had significantly higher levels of relationship satisfaction and lower levels of depression and anxiety compared to couples who received traditional couples therapy. Another study published in the Journal of Counseling Psychology found that EFT was effective in improving communication and reducing relationship distress among couples.
EFT can also have long-lasting benefits for couples. A study published in the Journal of Family Therapy found that couples who participated in EFT had lower rates of divorce and higher levels of relationship satisfaction two years after completing therapy compared to couples who received other forms of therapy.
Overall, EFT is a powerful tool for couples who are looking to improve their relationship. By helping couples understand and manage their emotions, EFT can help couples develop a deeper and more secure connection with each other. If you and your partner are struggling with relationship issues, EFT may be a valuable resource to help you find a path towards healing and greater connection.

Author: Crystin Nichols, MFTI

Attunement Helps Love and Intimacy Last

A Key Ingredient to Lasting Love and Intimacy

When two people come together in a romantic relationship, there are countless factors that contribute to their success or failure. However, one of the most important elements of a healthy, happy partnership is attunement. Attunement is the ability to be fully present with your partner, to understand and respond to their emotional needs, and to create a deep sense of intimacy and connection.

In this blog post, we'll explore what attunement means, why it's so critical to a couple's relationship, and how you can cultivate it in your own partnership.

What is Attunement?

At its core, attunement is the ability to tune in to your partner's emotions and needs, and respond in a way that demonstrates understanding, empathy, and support. It involves being fully present in the moment, listening actively, and paying close attention to nonverbal cues like body language and tone of voice.

Attunement requires a high degree of emotional intelligence and self-awareness, as well as a willingness to prioritize your partner's needs and feelings over your own. When two partners are attuned to each other, they are able to create a deep sense of connection and intimacy that can weather the challenges of life and strengthen their bond over time.

Why is Attunement Important in a Couple's Relationship?

Attunement is critical to a couple's relationship for a number of reasons. First and foremost, it allows partners to feel seen, heard, and understood by each other. This is essential for building trust, emotional safety, and a sense of security in the relationship.
When partners are attuned to each other, they are better able to navigate the inevitable conflicts and challenges that arise in any long-term partnership. They are able to communicate effectively, manage their emotions in a healthy way, and work together as a team to overcome obstacles.

Attunement also plays a key role in creating a satisfying and fulfilling sexual connection. When partners are attuned to each other's needs and desires, they are better able to communicate about sex and explore each other's bodies in a way that feels safe, respectful, and pleasurable.

How Can You Cultivate Attunement in Your Relationship?

While attunement is a natural and intuitive part of some relationships, it can also be cultivated and strengthened over time. Here are some tips for building attunement in your own partnership:

1. Practice active listening. When your partner is speaking, give them your full attention. Put down your phone, make eye contact, and ask questions to show that you're engaged and interested.

2. Pay attention to nonverbal cues. Sometimes, what your partner isn't saying is just as important as what they are saying. Pay attention to body language, tone of voice, and other nonverbal cues to get a better sense of how they're feeling.

3. Practice empathy. Try to put yourself in your partner's shoes and imagine how they might be feeling. Validate their emotions and offer words of support and encouragement.

4. Make time for quality time. Attunement requires presence and connection, so make sure to set aside dedicated time to spend with your partner without distractions or interruptions.

5. Practice self-awareness. In order to attune to your partner, you need to be aware of your own emotions and needs. Take time to check in with yourself and understand how you're feeling before trying to connect with your partner.

Attunement is a key ingredient in any successful and fulfilling relationship. By prioritizing your partner's emotions and needs, practicing active listening, and cultivating empathy and self-awareness, you can build a deep sense of intimacy and connection that will sustain your partnership for years to come.

Author: Crystin Nichols
Book Appointment: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/CrystinNicholsMFTI

Why do we feel the way we feel? The Power of Attachment

How you show love, how you feel connection, and how you relate to others is all influenced by your attachment style. The key factors that define the quality and security of an attachment bond are based on two questions:

·   Can I count on you?

·   Am I worthy of your love?

It might surprise you that the way you learn to love in infancy can have a direct impact on how you navigate adult relationships. This idea stems from attachment theory, which was first developed in the 1950’s by the work of John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. According to attachment theory, a persons’ attachment style is created and shaped during their first years of life, in response to the relationship dynamics with their primary caregivers. Essentially, adult attachment styles are believed to mirror the attachment style learned in childhood with the primary caregiver. In infancy and early childhood, attachment style is developed based on how our basic needs for food, security, and connection, are met. Attachment styles can be thought of as different internal working models of relationships that have evolved from life experiences.

There are four attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.

Secure attachment:

Secure attachment style is characterized by an ability to view oneself as basically loveable, and an ability to view others as generally reliable and responsive. A secure attachment is first developed in childhood if your caregiver was able to be emotionally available, offer reassurance and validation, and make you feel safe and understood. In adulthood, a securely attached individual can depend on others while also maintaining their individuality. A securely attached person has an easier time trusting and accepting others and allows people to get close to them. They are not afraid of intimacy and don’t feel a sense of panic if a partner needs space or time away.

Anxious attachment:

Anxious attachment style is represented by a deep fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, and codependent tendencies. Anxious attachment style can stem from a lack of consistent parental support during infancy and early childhood. For example, this may look like a parent who is sometimes attentive, and sometimes pushing away. This inconsistency can create anxiety and beliefs about what we expect and can count on in relationships. In adulthood, an anxiously attached style usually presents itself in codependent tendencies or behaviors. This stems from that fear of abandonment or rejection. A person with an anxious attachment style usually has a hard time feeling worthy of love and therefore needs constant reassurance from their partners.

Avoidant Attachment:

Avoidant attachment style is characterized by a fear of intimacy and a lack of trust on the dependability of others. Avoidant attachment style can stem from growing up in an environment that is lacking sufficient parental support and supervision. For example, this could be the result of a neglectful or busy parent. It could also be a parent who is present, but not concerned with their child’s emotional needs and fears. In adulthood, a person with an avoidant attachment style usually has a hard time getting close to others and trusting them. Relationships can often feel suffocating for them, and they tend to maintain some distance from their partners, especially emotionally. An avoidant attached person usually prefers to rely on themselves because they have learned not to depend on others for their emotional needs.

Disorganized Attachment:

Disorganized attachment style is defined by extreme inconsistent behaviors in relationships and a lack of trust in others. A disorganized attachment style most commonly stems from a result of childhood trauma, abuse, or neglect. The child often views their caregiver as both a source of comfort and fear, which leads to the disorganized, inconsistent behaviors. Adults with a disorganized attachment style often behave in unpredictable ways in relationships, and view their partner as being unpredictable. They waver between acting distant and independent and being emotional and codependent. Adults with disorganized attachment consistently seek out intimacy, while also fearing it and sometimes rejecting it when it gets too close.

It can be empowering to identify and understand your unique attachment style and where it stems from. Becoming aware of your feelings and behaviors in relationships can make the healing journey much easier. Through this exploration, new avenues of thinking and behaving can emerge to equip you for more secure relationships. If you are interested in learning more about your attachment style and how it influences your adult relationships, click on the link below to take a short attachment style quiz! For a deeper dive into attachment, book an appointment today to conduct an Adult Attachment Interview with one of our skilled clinicians.

http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl

Written by: Jamie Rudden LMFTI 

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/JamieRuddenMFTI