SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY FREE RESOURCES BLOG
Self-Care: Nurturing Yourself Amidst Life's Demands
Incorporating self-care into a busy schedule may require intention and creativity, but the benefits are well worth the effort. By making self-care a priority, even amidst life's demands, you can cultivate greater balance, resilience, and well-being, enabling you to show up fully and authentically in all areas of your life.
In today's fast-paced world, it's easy to put self-care on the back burner, especially when juggling multiple responsibilities and commitments. However, even in the midst of busy schedules, prioritizing self-care is essential for maintaining balance, well-being, and resilience. Here are some practical tips for incorporating self-care into your busy life:
Schedule it in: Treat self-care activities as non-negotiable appointments in your calendar. Block out time each day—even if it's just a few minutes—for activities that nourish your mind, body, and spirit. Whether it's a quick meditation session, a brisk walk outdoors, or a relaxing cup of tea, prioritize these moments as you would any other important task.
Keep it simple: Self-care doesn't have to be elaborate or time-consuming. Look for simple activities that you can integrate seamlessly into your daily routine. This could be as basic as taking deep breaths throughout the day to center yourself, practicing gratitude before bed, or indulging in a favorite hobby during your lunch break.
Multitask mindfully: While multitasking is often seen as a necessity in busy schedules, it can also be an opportunity to incorporate self-care. For example, listen to uplifting podcasts or audiobooks while commuting, practice mindfulness while doing household chores, or engage in gentle stretches while watching TV.
Set boundaries: Learn to say no to activities or commitments that drain your energy and detract from your well-being. Prioritize tasks that align with your values and goals, and don't hesitate to delegate or ask for support when needed. Setting boundaries around your time and energy is essential for maintaining balance and preventing burnout.
Practice self-compassion: Be gentle with yourself on days when self-care feels challenging. Remember that self-care is not about perfection but about making a conscious effort to prioritize your well-being amidst life's demands. If you miss a self-care session or feel overwhelmed, practice self-compassion and remind yourself that it's okay to prioritize rest and recharge.
Find creative solutions: Get creative with how you incorporate self-care into your routine. Look for opportunities to combine activities or adapt them to fit your schedule. For example, invite a friend to join you for a workout or meditation session, or turn your daily commute into a mindfulness practice by tuning into your surroundings and savoring the moment.
Start small and build momentum: If incorporating self-care into your routine feels overwhelming, start with small, manageable steps and gradually build momentum over time. Set achievable goals and celebrate your progress along the way. Remember that consistency is key, and even small acts of self-care can have a cumulative and transformative impact on your well-being.
Incorporating self-care into a busy schedule may require intention and creativity, but the benefits are well worth the effort. By making self-care a priority, even amidst life's demands, you can cultivate greater balance, resilience, and well-being, enabling you to show up fully and authentically in all areas of your life.
By Brianna Roskamp
Book with her here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/BriannaRoskamp
Practice Empathy in Three Ways: Cognitively, Emotionally, and Somatically
We stretch our hearts and minds beyond our own experiences, viewpoints, and feelings in order to imagine what it's like to be inside someone else's head. We employ imagination, creativity, and instinct to envision what life is like for them.
You must first take off your own shoes to put yourself in someone else's shoes.
We stretch our hearts and minds beyond our own experiences, viewpoints, and feelings in order to imagine what it's like to be inside someone else's head. We employ imagination, creativity, and instinct to envision what life is like for them.
Listening with empathy is a fundamental component of coming from curiosity and care, as well as the foundation of discussion. Here are three strategies to start practicing incorporating more empathy into your daily life that integrate living purposefully and empathetically.
PRACTICE: Empathy
It's important to remember that practicing this doesn't have to be limited to situations in which you are the center of attention. Its easier to feel for others when you aren't being attacked. Remember that empathy isn't something you put into words; it's a quality of presence in your heart. Aim to comprehend the other person's situation and let the conversation unfold organically.
SILENT EMPATHIC PRESENCE: Practice listening completely, with the heartfelt intention to understand and "feel into" what the other person is saying. How is this issue for them?
PARAPHRASE: After listening, summarize the gist of what you've heard. What are the key features of what they've said? It's also possible that repeating just a few words will be enough.
EMPATHIC REFLECTION: After listening, check that you understand by reflecting what you hear is most important to them. This may include how they feel and/or what they need. What's at the heart of this individual's narrative? What can you do to assist them to feel understood? Remember to phrase your reflections as questions and double-check that you're correct.
There are other methods for conveying compassion. We may convey empathy by giving a kind word, with a loving touch, or by describing how we're feeling in response to what we've heard. By expressing interest with open-ended questions like "Tell me more," "What else?"
As an example, my daughter's friend a freshman who is usually cheerful and bubbly, began showing up early to practice. I struck up a conversation and realized how much she was struggling. This friend was saying, "I don't want to go to this school anymore," and was thinking about dropping out. I noticed the impulse to go into problem-solving mode, an old habit of mine. Having just finished another book on empathy, I paused and decided to try listening instead. "Tell me more. What's going on?"
She began to open up. She was being bullied. She felt sad, alone, and depressed. Every time I noticed the urge to fix or solve, I attended to feeling the weight of my body and my feet on the floor, and resisted the temptation to offer solutions. I focused my attention on what she was feeling and reflected what I was hearing. She began to cry, oscillating between speaking, sobbing, and awkwardly making eye contact as if to check whether all of this was okay. There were a lot of tears, tissues, and long moments in which I simply held her gaze.
She spoke more about her feelings of sadness, loneliness, and not feeling valued. "I've felt like this since first grade," she mentioned. "Was that the first time you felt so sad and alone?" I inquired. No, it started when she was three, when her dad left. They looked at each other, realizing they'd hit the root of her pain. Eventually they explored what she might need at school. They came up with some strategies to address the bullying. She decided to stay in school and to make a public art piece for the classroom about depression.
This is the power of which empathy may help us. With a listening spirit, we can absorb each statement made, each emotion felt. Healing and change are possible if we come from a place of curiosity and care rather than our usual mode of behavior.
PRINCIPLES
People are more likely to be willing to listen when they feel heard. To build understanding, reflect before you respond.
KEY POINTS
The desire to comprehend is frequently expressed through listening, which entails putting away our own ideas, emotions, opinions, and views temporarily.
We can listen in many ways:
• With complete, wholehearted presence
• To the content of what someone says
• To the feelings and needs beneath the content
Staying connected in conversation helps us build understanding and
collaborate:
DON'T LET THE CALL DROP: Seek to establish and maintain connection in conversation.
REFLECT BEFORE YOU RESPOND: Confirm that you're hearing each other accurately before moving on. This "completes a cycle' of communication.
At the heart of listening is empathy, which includes:
• Cognitive empathy: seeing things from another's perspective
• Affective empathy: feeling another's emotions
• Somatic empathy: sensing another's embodied experience
Q & A
Q: What if someone wants advice? Is that ever okay?
Of course. When someone asks for advice, you might try offering empathy
first. I'll often say, I'm happy to share some of my ideas, but first I just want
to take in what you've said. I'll follow that with an empathic reflection of
what I'm hearing and check if I've understood. This can help the other
person process their experience and clarify what matters. I then circle back
to inquire if they still want advice; sometimes it's no longer relevant.
If the tables are turned and you want to give someone advice, check
first. Let them know: "I have an idea that I think might be helpful. Are you
open to some advice?" This honors their autonomy, minimizes the chances
that your input will be disempowering, and guards against giving advice
as a way of soothing your own anxiety.
Q: I've been exploring these empathy tools with close friends and family
and my new approach creates a lot of awkwardness. What do you do
when others expect you to communicate in a certain way?
It can be confusing when our attempts to create more connection backfire.
Part of what you are experiencing is the relational dimension of communication habits. They occur in a dynamic, so when we shift it affects others.
It also may simply be the learning curve; it takes time to find an authentic
voice with these tools.
Let go of the form and focus on your genuine intention to connect.
What would help this person to feel heard? If someone is used to us
showing care by asking questions or agreeing and we respond by reflecting
their needs, that may throw them off. Try to tune in to what they want.
When all else fails, let people know that you're trying something new that
you hope will bring you closer. Ask them to humor you while you learn.
9 Tips for Successful Compromise
Have you ever found yourself in the middle of a conflict with someone and it feels like nothing is getting resolved? When people have different desires, they'll often try to compromise. But sometimes when we compromise, we don't actually focus on what we NEED. In this article I'm going to share some tips on how you can successfully negotiate compromises so that both parties needs are met.
First of all, it's important to remember that compromise doesn't mean both people will get exactly what they want. Both parties need to be willing to make changes in order for the negotiation process to work out well. If someone isn't open-minded enough about making compromises then you'll just end up fighting over who gets their way and nothing will get resolved. According to John Gottman, two opposing forces creates gridlocked issues. The main point of compromise is that you'll be happy with the final result, even if it's not exactly what either party originally wanted.
Here are 9 tips for successfully negotiating compromises:
Tip #01: Know what you want. This may seem like a no-brainer, but it's important to be clear about what you want in any situation. If both parties know exactly what their needs are then it'll be easier to brainstorm collaboratively to come up with a solution that works for everyone.
Tip #02: Continue to create clarity to ask for what you want. Just as importantly, don't be afraid to ask the other person for what they want. This will help create an open dialogue and show that both parties are willing to work together.
Tip #03: Stay Attuned and present. Don't make assumptions about what the other person needs. We often make assumptions about what the other person wants, and this can lead to misunderstandings. It's important to clarify what the other person is asking for so that there isn't any confusion.
Tip #04: Take responsibility for your part in the conflict. Don't be defensive. As soon as you become defensive, it becomes very difficult to negotiate anything. Try to stay calm and open-minded, even if the other person is being difficult. The antidote to defensiveness is taking some responsibility and accepting influence from others.
Tip #05: Soften your start-up and begin the conversation from a neutral standpoint. Don't be confrontational. This goes along with Tip #04 - don't try to force the other person to see things your way. It's important to maintain a positive and constructive dialogue, even if it's challenging at times. Continually regulate your emotions and self sooth during the conversation to avoid becoming emotionally flooded.
Tip #06: Listen actively. This is one of the most important things you can do in any negotiation. If you're not actively listening to what the other person is saying, then you won't be able to understand their perspective and come up with a resolution that works for everyone.
Tip #07: Listen without interrupting. Along the same lines, don't interrupt the other person while they're speaking. This will make it difficult for the conversation to move forward in a constructive way.
Tip #08: Hold space and try to simply understand your partner. Don't feel like you have to be right all of the time. If both people are open-minded about change, then there's no reason why you can't find an appropriate solution that works for both parties.
Tip #09: Be flexible and willing to compromise. When you're negotiating compromises, remember that if one person is inflexible the negotiation process won't work out well for anyone. Being open-minded about making changes will help resolve conflicts quickly so everyone can get needs met.
Nonviolent Communication Skills in Intimate Relationships
“NVC requires us to be continually conscious of the beauty within ourselves and other people. ”
The connection between Nonviolent Communication and Intimate Relationships is strong and vital — and perhaps not obvious to those unfamiliar with NVC.
For those of us with NVC skills who are also in intimate relationships, we can’t imagine being in a relationship without NVC!
Intimate relationships are some of the most meaningful connections with the people who are most important to us.
This is why when disconnection happens it can be more painful than in other types of relationships.
In intimate relationships the stakes are higher, in part because our emotional investment is greater.
For all these reasons and more, learning NVC skills to prevent and resolve misunderstandings and conflicts in intimate relationships can help us deepen and enjoy those relationships more fully!
The Importance of Communication in Intimate Relationships
An intimate relationship without communication is like a bird without wings, or a tree without leaves. Communication is one of the primary mediums for connection, and without connection how intimate can a relationship be?
The importance of communication in intimate relationships — now, today —can be summed up by the proverb: “dig your well before you’re thirsty.”
What does this mean?
In this metaphor, thirst is the need for connection, for mutual understanding, for the trust and good will that take us to mutually satisfying ways of living. The well would be access to NVC tools and the practice to become skillful with them.
Your NVC skills can take you to mutual understanding and deeper connection — consistently!
However — there is a big difference between having a tool and being skillful with it.
Can you understand why it might serve NOT to wait until you’re in a full-blown conflict to decide that you want to develop your communication skills?
Communication helps us each know where we’re at, what we’re each feeling, what’s important to us, and what we would like.
There’s another apt proverb here: “An ounce of prevention equals a pound of cure.”
The importance of communication in intimate relationships goes way beyond resolving conflicts.
As you develop your skills you begin to prevent misunderstandings and conflicts. And this allows you to conserve mental and emotional energy, and prevent angst and suffering.
Beyond misunderstandings and conflicts, the importance of communication in intimate relationship is that it contributes to an ongoing deepening of your most important connections.
Common Communication Problems in Relationships
There are many common communication problems in relationships.
Fortunately, NVC has principles, insights, and tools that address every one of them!
One of the most common communication problems in relationships is when we listen to respond rather than to understand.
When you are present, and listening to understand, you will still have a chance to respond later! But first, help the other person experience being understood. This is not the same as agreement; simply understanding.
When the other person feels understood they are much more open to hearing you out! And the dynamic of hearing each other deeply as each person reveals vulnerably, allows the conversation to deepen to a place of authentic connection in which conflicts often resolve themselves.
Sometimes you might be in a conversation that is going just fine, and a little while into it you and the other person find yourselves in a very uncomfortable place — a disagreement, a disconnection, or even a full-blown conflict — and you’re wondering, how did we get here?
This is actually quite a common experience, and is related to the previous communication problem. Sometimes there is even a slight miscommunication — for example one person says red and the other hears blue — and nobody notices.
These situations easily lead to misunderstandings which can lead to conflicts.
A true-life example: a woman said to her male partner, “I don’t want to be so wifey.”
What she meant: “I don’t want to be the only one doing the housework.”
What he heard: “I don’t want to be married to you anymore.”
This couple ended up divorcing — true story — and is an example of a small miscommunication that can spiral out of control quickly if we don’t catch it. So slowing down, listening to understand, and asking clarifying questions can save us all a lot of heartbreak! (In the example of the couple above, their large group of friends also went through a form of heartbreak.)
Another common communication problem in relationships is rushing to a solution in a way that skips the connection. Often the person who does this has positive intentions of wanting to resolve an issue or fix a problem.
However, when we skip the connection the other person rarely feels included in the solution. Furthermore, we have little guarantee that the solution will meet their needs because we haven’t taken the time to find out what they are! NVC encourages us to connect first — get clear on each person’s observations, feelings, needs, and requests — and then, once the needs are clear and there is mutual understanding, together arrive at a strategy that meets all or most of the needs.
Connection before solution!
Nonviolent Communication is also known as life-connected, life-serving communication. As such, it has its opposite: life-disconnected, life-alienating communication, which is defined as the type of thinking and language which takes us away from the quality of connection for which we are seeking.
Most of the common communication problems in relationships can be identified in this life-disconnected thinking and language. These include:
Diagnosing others: This includes judgments, name-calling, and criticism. Diagnoses also include assuming we know what another person is thinking, feeling, or needing. (“You’re obviously very angry about that!”) And they include any static language that would explain why someone is acting the way they are (the problem with you is you are [an egomaniac; an Aries; a troubled soul; a rebel, etc.]).
Denying responsibility: This includes any language that implies that we lack choice. I had to. I had no choice. You made me. I can’t. This does not mean that we always like the options of which we’re aware. Sometimes we dislike every option, and yet, within that we still have choice. And sometimes we’re not aware of other possibilities because we are in a “crisis of imagination.” Rather than owning our choices we act as if we are powerless. I have no choice, it’s (the law, company policy, superiors’ orders). Accusatory blame would fit in this category.
Placing demands on others: In NVC we take responsibility for what we are wanting by expressing clear requests. In a request, the other person’s needs matter too, and so no is an option. In a demand, ‘no’ is not an option. In a demand, by definition, the other person’s needs do not matter equally to the person issuing the demand. The reason this hurts relationships is that, if I am on the receiving end of demands it communicates that my needs don’t matter. This, in turn, leads to resentment and disconnection. Over time, it is quite likely that the needs of the person placing the demands cease to matter to the person on the receiving end.
Life-alienated motivations: The key insight here can be summarized by a phrase often emphasized by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, creator of NVC: The energy with which we do anything for each other is just as important as the action itself. Life-alienated motivations include fear, guilt, shame, duty/obligation, to obtain an extrinsic reward, to avoid punishment, or acting out of “shoulds” or have-tos.” When we do something for each other out of these motivations, it creates disconnection, resentment, and serves to break down trust. We want to do things for each other when we are connected to how it serves life, how it also contributes to our needs.
Using Compassionate Communication in Relationships
The key to using Compassionate Communication in relationships consists of remembering three things: Purpose, Intention, and Attention.
It’s extremely helpful to remember that the purpose of Compassionate Communication (another name for NVC) is to create a high quality of connection out of which people naturally and spontaneously enjoy contributing to one another’s well-being. This is how we find win-win or mutually satisfying outcomes: out of the connection.
The purpose is not to get others to do what you want, or to get your way, or to get a particular thing to happen!
So when you enter a conversation or are in an interaction, remember that the purpose is first to connect.
And so it helps if this is our intention.
When connecting with another, check your intention. What do I want here? Is my intention to be right? Am I willing to let go of being right and my preferred outcome in order to connect first? Do I trust that once we connect we can together find a mutually agreeable outcome?
And one of the outcomes of developing in NVC is skillful deployment of your attention.
Using Compassionate Communication in relationships means being able to put our attention on feelings and needs, rather than on who’s right and who’s wrong. It means putting our attention on our own, and the other person’s, humanity in order to connect and find a way of being with each other that is mutually fulfilling.
This is how using Compassionate Communication in relationships teaches us to use purpose, intention, and attention to create deeper and more satisfying relationships.
Using NVC to Improve Communication in a Relationship
Using compassionate communication in relationships is simple, though it is not necessarily easy.
The reason is that it helps us become aware of and re-configure old, unconscious patterns that get in the way of the quality of connection we’re looking for. Sometimes discovering these old patterns is painful, and shifting them can take time.
The good news is that as you get better at it, it becomes more fluid and takes less time.
How do we do it?
First, a clarification. We can think about communication in intimate relationships as consisting of a spectrum:
In this simple diagram, we can see that informal NVC could be indistinguishable from a normal conversation. That’s because connection is happening — which after all is the purpose of NVC.
At the other end of the spectrum we see “formal” NVC, which has certain key differentiations and follows a particular structure and syntax. Formal NVC keeps our communication extra clear, and helps us keep the key differentiations clear in our mind.
The dance of connection refers to the steps we take to move toward connection. A simple mnemonic device is ABABAB, referring to person “A” and person “B.”
Here’s how “the dance of connection” works:
1) Person A speaks with honesty from the heart.
2) Person B reflects back their understanding of what Person A said.
3) Person A confirms they were heard accurately.
4) Person B speaks with honesty from the heart.
5) Person A reflects back their understanding of what Person B said.
6) Person B confirms they were heard accurately.
7) Return to the top, to #1. This process is continued until the two people feel connected and they trust that they are understood by the other. Then they can proceed to brainstorm or propose strategies and/or solutions.
Though somewhat of an oversimplification, this illustrates the process we undergo to allow a conversation to wind deeper and deeper, until there is a high quality of connection out of which people co-create mutually satisfying outcomes.
Dr. Marshall Rosenberg on Nonviolent Communication Skills in Relationships
There is so much we can learn from Dr. Marshall Rosenberg on Nonviolent Communication Skills in relationships.
He knew that intimate relationships are some of the most important relationships — and sometimes some of the most challenging ones.
Dr. Rosenberg explained that if you meet your needs at the expense of another, your needs will also not be met. Anytime you create a win-lose, you also lose — because we are all interconnected, interrelated, and interdependent.
When we coerce others or place demands on them, the quality of the connection suffers.
When we can let go of being right and put our attention on making life more wonderful, then we can create a high quality of connection out of which it’s easy to explore outcomes, solutions, and ways of living that are mutually satisfying.
Content by PuddleDancer Press. Use of content okay with attribution. Please visitwww.nonviolentcommunication.comto learn more about Nonviolent Communication.
Listening Accurately Worksheet
Non Violent Communication and Listening Accurately. Let’s listen to understand, instead of listening to change the way the other person feels.
Non-Violent Communication Videos
Non-violent Communication