SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY FREE RESOURCES
How to overcome social media addiction and do a digital detox
Last month Supervised Therapist Kaitlin Lowey was featured on WFLA’s Bloom. She provided tips on how to overcome social media addiction and do a digital detox. You can watch the full segment here. Below is a summary of the clip.
Internet, phone, and social media addiction is a growing concern in today's digital age, with many people finding it hard to disconnect from their devices and online networks. As we explore the psychological reasons behind this phenomenon, it becomes clear that the internet and social media meet certain human needs that are crucial to our well-being. But at what cost?
Last month Supervised Therapist Kaitlin Lowey was featured on WFLA’s Bloom. She provided tips on how to overcome social media addiction and do a digital detox. You can watch the full segment here. Below is a summary of the clip.
Using social media and the internet feels good because it meets certain psychological needs in an instant
One of the main psychological needs met is the need for social connection and belonging. People can stay in touch with friends and family, connect with like-minded individuals, and find support and validation.
Another important one is the need for information and knowledge – and deeper than that, a need for a feeling of control and certainty. The internet provides access to a vast amount of information on any topic, and this accumulation of knowledge can provide a sense of comfort when aspects of our lives feel out of our control.
While the internet and social media can be beneficial in many ways, excessive use or addiction can have negative effects on mental health
Studies have shown that excessive internet and social media use can lead to feelings of anxiety, depression, loneliness, and low self-esteem. The constant stimulation and distraction of the internet and social media can also interfere with sleep, productivity, and overall quality of life.
There are remarkable benefits of taking a break from, or limiting, social media use
Taking a break from social media use is linked to reduced stress and anxiety, improved self-esteem, and increased productivity. In a 2018 study found that limiting social media use to 30 minutes per day led to significant reductions in depression and loneliness. By disconnecting from the constant barrage of information and stimulation, we can focus on more meaningful activities and relationships, leading to a greater sense of fulfillment and well-being.
To successfully take a break from problematic internet or social media use, the key is to make a plan
Before starting, track your triggers. What is happening in those moments before you reach for your phone, and how are you feeling? Are you feeling bored? Anxious? Lonely? These feelings are connected to deeper psychological needs, such as the need for connection, certainty, and purpose.
Then, identify coping skills and alternative activities that meet your psychological needs in healthier ways. For example, you can connect with friends and family in person, engage in physical exercise, pursue creative hobbies, or volunteer in your community. Mindfulness-based interventions, such as meditation and mindful breathing, have been effective in reducing social media addiction. It can be helpful and insight-building to journal your thoughts and feelings. You might be surprised by what you learn about yourself.
Finally, let technology help you! Apps that encourage users to engage in alternative activities, such as exercise and mindfulness, have been shown to be effective in reducing social media addiction. Don’t beat yourself up if you slip. Addictions are hard to beat! Rather, gently notice what happened, ask yourself what you are needing in that moment, and consider other ways you can meet that need using your coping skills.
Narcissistic Abuse: Tips for Recognizing and Recovering
Abuse is a spectrum, and the word doesn’t do justice to describe the many forms of subtle and overt abusive behaviors and toxic relational dynamics. Narcissistic abuse is a very real form of abuse. The power and control dynamics might not include physical or sexual violence, although they can, but the psychological, emotional, interpersonal, and spiritual effects devastate individuals who find themselves trapped in the narcissistic abuse cycle
When I bring up the word “Abuse” with my clients I notice they are prone to discount their experience because they don’t’ see their situation as being “real abuse.” Abuse is a spectrum, and the word doesn’t do justice to describe the many forms of subtle and overt abusive behaviors and toxic relational dynamics. Narcissistic abuse is a very real form of abuse. The power and control dynamics might not include physical or sexual violence, although they can, but the psychological, emotional, interpersonal, and spiritual effects devastate individuals who find themselves trapped in the narcissistic abuse cycle. This post intends to do two things:
Describe the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse to help those suffering recognize they are not “crazy.” This is a definable pattern that many others are experiencing.
Provide some practical tools and tips to cope and eventually recover from said abuse.
The narcissistic abuse cycle can be defined as a “pattern of highs and lows in which the narcissist confuses their partner through manipulation and calculated behaviors aimed at making their partner question themselves” (Hammond, 2015). I want to make it clear that your partner does not have to have an official diagnosis of “narcissist” for your situation to be a valid case of narcissistic abuse. Media and pop culture usually only portray the most extreme examples of narcissism thus exacerbating the problem and preventing victims from getting help.
The cycle involves three phases that work in tandem with each other.
The first stage is Idealization.
This is the stage where your partner makes you feel like the most special person in the world. The term “love bombing” comes to mind. You might feel as if you’ve never been loved or adored for like this before. The pursuer will become vigilant in giving attention to you and will shower their “target” with gifts, compliments, and promises.
The idealization phase may include:
Love-bombing
A lot of attention given to partner
Grandiose gestures
Elaborate gifts and dates
Discussing marriage
Lack of boundaries
Attempts to isolate partner in the name of love
Quickly moving into intimacy
Creates a sense of ownership of partner and the relationship (Hammond, 2015).
The second phase is devaluation.
During this stage, you might start to notice your partner acting one way with you and one way in public which makes it hard to understand which person they really are. If you express concern, you might be labeled as “jealous” or “needy” or a “nag,” The disillusionment at this stage makes some cling harder to the memory of when things were ideal. You might have an intuitive feeling that something is wrong but because of the hot and cold nature of their affection for a time, it is easier to push that voice down. A huge red flag is that you begin to doubt yourself. You begin to see the real person for who they are, and you notice more incongruency in their behavior. This is where the abuse really starts to hurt and many start to exhibit anxiety, depression, obsessive thoughts, develop a trauma bond, amongst other symptoms. Visit this resource to learn more. This is where people get trapped because they are so beaten down and confused, it seems easier to just stay for fear of what might happen or what threats might be made.
The devaluation phase might include:
Attempting to change their partner
Increasing criticism and insults
Gaslighting
Physical threats
Poor communication
Increased violation of boundaries
Triangulation
More isolation or control over their partner
Withholding physical, emotional, and sexual intimacy (Hammond, 2015).
Finally, the third phase is rejection.
In this phase, the narcissistic partner rejects their partner and essentially places complete blame of the downfall of the relationship on their partner. In healthy relationships conflicts and disagreements are navigated with patience, grace, and the use of helpful problem solving skills. In narcissistic abuse relationships, there are no compromises. It is if the victimized partner doesn’t even exist, and they begin to lose any power or autonomy. Sometimes the cycle repeats itself over and over. Sometimes, once the phases are complete, the abuser become disinterested and finds another partner to begin another cycle with.
The rejection phase may include:
Feelings of contempt and rage
Betraying the relationship
Invalidating their partner’s emotions and placing all the blame on them
Playing the victim
Physical, emotional, and verbal abuse
Ending the relationship permanently or temporarily with attempts to continue this cycle of abuse (Hammond, 2015).
Now that I have described, briefly, common signs and symptoms of the narcissistic abuse, I will provide some tips for coping. At the end of the article, I have provided additional resources for you to begin your journey to safety and recovery.
1. Label the Abuse
Once you recognize the abuse and have educated yourself about it labeling it is a vital step towards healing. Consider communicating what you are learning out loud to a trusted person.
2. End the relationship if you haven’t already done that.
Get in touch with a trusted person, a professional, or your family to create a safety plan if necessary before you leave.
3. Set Clear and Specific Boundaries
Setting clear boundaries requires discipline but it is vital to protect you from getting manipulated or tricked again. If you share children with your ex-partner and must make contact, make sure you have clear boundaries and a safety plan.
4. Seek Support
The resources attached to this blog are a great way to find support during this hard time. Additionally, reaching out to a therapist will help you tell your side of the story, be validated, and learn how to grief. A therapist can support you in creating new patterns of living and implement new coping skills.
5. Rediscover Yourself
In many cases, the abusive relationship has taken over your mind, emotions, physical health, and schedule. Once you are ready it is important you take the time to rediscover who you are, what you want, what you like, what you enjoy, what you need, and how you want to see yourself. This can seem daunting but there is not rush. Rediscovering ourselves is a life long process and we change throughout life. The key is that you recognize you have been deprived of your voice and allow yourself to rediscover it.
There is no way I can describe all that narcissistic abuse is and how to recover in this short blog but my hope for you is that you feel validated and affirmed if you or someone you know is suffering or trapped in this cycle. There is hope, people can leave their partner, grief the loss, and heal. If you are unsure if you want to start therapy as a part of your healing, I offer free consultations and it would be a pleasure to hear your story and get to know you!
By Shaundra McGuire, MFTI Book With Shaundra: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ShaundraMcguireMFTI
Additional Resources:
Stages of Narcissistic Abuse - Narcissist Abuse Support
START YOUR HEALING JOURNEY By Creating Awareness & Self Compassion
Key Facts About Compassionate Awareness
What is it, why do we value it, and what are the benefits?
Compassionate Awareness is the integration of 4 things:
1 - Consciousness: a set of principles that support living a life of compassion, collaboration, courage, and authenticity. Showing-up in a way you intend to.
2 - Language: understanding how words contribute to connection or distance (to self or others).
3 - Communication Skills: knowing how to ask for what we want, how to hear others even if in disagreement, and how to move towards solutions that work for all.
4 - Means of Influence: sharing “power with others” rather than using “power over others”.
Compassion serves our desire to do 3 things:
1 - Increase our ability to live with choice, meaning, intention, and connection.
2 - Connect empathically with self and others to have more satisfying relationships.
3 - Sharing of resources so everyone is able to benefit.
Key Facts About Compassionate Awareness
What is it, why do we value it, and what are the benefits?
Compassionate Awareness is the integration of 4 things:
1 - Consciousness: a set of principles that support living a life of compassion, collaboration, courage, and authenticity. Showing-up in a way you intend to.
2 - Language: understanding how words contribute to connection or distance (to self or others).
3 - Communication Skills: knowing how to ask for what we want, how to hear others even if in disagreement, and how to move towards solutions that work for all.
4 - Means of Influence: sharing “power with others” rather than using “power over others”.
Compassion serves our desire to do 3 things:
1 - Increase our ability to live with choice, meaning, intention, and connection.
2 - Connect empathically with self and others to have more satisfying relationships.
3 - Sharing of resources so everyone is able to benefit.
Why do we value Compassionate Awareness?
Most of us could brush up on our skills to improve the quality of our relationship with ourselves and others, to deepen our sense of personal empowerment or simply help us communicate more effectively. Unfortunately, most of us have been taught to mix OBSERVATIONS with comparisons to compete, judge, demand and diagnose; to think and communicate in terms of what is “right“ and “wrong“.
This habitual way we THINK and REACT sabotages our intentions to get our needs met. We fail to communicate our actual need which further creates disconnect, misunderstanding, and frustration. And still worse, this can cause anger, suffering, and escalation. As this way of communicating escalates, this may lead to violence.
As a result, reactions from negative thoughts, even with the best of intentions, generate needless conflict.
On the flip-side, compassionate awareness helps us reach to the core need and discover what is alive and vital within us, and how all of our actions are based on human needs that we are seeking to meet. We learn to develop a vocabulary of FEELINGS and needs that helps us more clearly express what is happening internally in us, and understand what is going on in others, in real time.
When we understand and acknowledge our NEEDS, we develop a shared foundation for much more satisfying relationships.
Living Intentionally
The intention to connect with ourselves and others is one of the most important goals of practicing and living NVC. We live our lives from moment to moment, yet most of the time we are on autopilot, reacting out of habit rather than out of awareness and presence of mind. By creating a space for attention and respect in every moment, NVC helps create a pathway and a practice that is accessible and approachable. Studying and practicing NVC creates a foundation for learning about ourselves and our relationships in every moment, and helps us to remain focused on what is happening right here, right now.
Four Components of Compassionate Communication
Observation:
Observation without evaluation consists of noticing concrete things and actions around us. We learn to distinguish between judgment and what we sense in the present moment, and to simply observe what is there.
Feeling:
When we notice things around us, we inevitably experience varying emotions and physical sensations in each particular moment. Here, distinguishing feelings from thoughts is an essential step to the NVC process.
Needs:
All individuals have needs and values that sustain and enrich their lives. When those needs are met, we experience comfortable feelings, like happiness or peacefulness, and when they are not, we experience uncomfortable feelings, like frustration. Understanding that we, as well as those around us, have these needs is perhaps the most important step in learning to practice NVC and to live empathically.
Request:
To make clear and present requests is crucial to NVC’s -3- transformative mission. When we learn to request concrete actions that can be carried out in the present moment, we begin to find ways to cooperatively and creatively ensure that everyone’s needs are met.
Two Parts Empathy:
Receiving
from the heart creates a means to connect with others and share experiences in a truly life enriching way. Empathy goes beyond compassion, allowing us to put ourselves into another’s shoes to sense the same feelings and understand the same needs; in essence, being open and available to what is alive in others. It also gives us the means to remain present to and aware of our own needs and the needs of others even in extreme situations that are often difficult to handle.
Honesty:
Giving from the heart has its root in honesty. Honesty begins with truly understanding ourselves and our own needs, and being in tune with what is alive in us in the present moment. When we learn to give ourselves empathy, we can start to break down the barriers to communication that keep us from connecting with others.
Journaling For Self Discovery
33 Ways to Use Your Journal for Self-Discovery and Self-Expression
As a therapist, I often suggest to clients that they explore their feelings and thoughts by keeping a journal. Sometimes clients ask for a bit of direction with this process. Here are some journaling ideas if you're not sure where to start:
1. Write down what happened today and how you felt about it.
2. Write a letter to a person you are angry with. Say everything you are feeling and wish you had the nerve to say.
3. Draw a picture of the person you wrote the letter to in #2.
4. Make a list of all the things you are grateful for. List all the big things, all the small things, and everything in between that you can think of.
5. Circle the three most important things on the list you made in #4. Write a paragraph for each, expressing your appreciation to the person who had the most influence over it. If possible, turn this into an actual letter and send it.
6. Make a list of the things that you feel upset about right now. Write down as many as you can think of until you can't think of any more. Then choose the top five.
7. For each of the top five things you identified in #6, list 10 things you can do to gain control of the situation. Circle the top three from each list.
8. Make a timeline that represents your life. Fill it in with the most significant events that have shaped you: your early years, your teen years, and each decade that has followed. Draw pictures or icons next to the most important events. Use crayons or markers if you wish.
9. Write a few pages about your feelings about the timeline.
10. Describe how your life would be different if had or had not happened.
Here are some examples:
a. If your parents had divorced
b. If your parents had remained married
c. If your parents had been married
d. If your mother hadn't passed away
e. If you hadn't moved to
f. If you had gone to college
g. If you hadn't gone to college
h. If you had gone to College
i. If you had never met
j. If you hadn't broken up with
11. Make a list of all the things you wish you could do before your life is over.
12. Make a list of the things no one knows about you.
13. Write about your junior year in high school.
14. Write about what life was like before you became a parent.
15. Write about what you wish you had known before you became a parent.
16. Make a list of the things you still want to learn about being a parent.
17. Describe what it was like when you first met your partner.
18. Write about what you wish you had known about your partner before you married him/her.
19. Write about what you wish your partner had known about you before (s)he married you.
20. Write a letter to yourself as you were at age 10. Tell yourself:
a. What your life is like now
b. What you have learned since you were 10
c. What you want him or her to know
d. What you want him or her to beware of
e. What you want him or her to enjoy every moment of
21. Write a letter to your own parents. Tell them what your life is like now.
22. Write a letter to someone from your childhood or adolescence who didn't appreciate you or who misunderstood you. Tell the person what you want them to know and how you feel about the lack of connection between you.
23. Think of someone you never acknowledged for something important. Write that person a letter and acknowledge him or her.
24. Think of someone who never acknowledged you for something important. Write them a letter and tell them what you want them to know.
25. Make a list of five miracles you want to happen in the coming year. Write a paragraph or two describing each one and how your life will be better if it happens.
26. For each of the five miracles, make a list of:
a. Five barriers or forces that block or prevent it from happening
b. Five positive influences, things that encourage or support its happening
c. Five things you can do to reduce the barriers and strengthen the positive influences
27. Write about the five things you most like to do.
28. Write about the five things you most dislike doing.
29. Make a list of five places you'd like to visit. Describe what you imagine them to be like.
30. Write about three things you most regret doing or not doing. Describe what happened and how you feel about it.
31. Write a letter to your children, even if they have not yet been born. Tell them what you want them to know about you.
32. Write a letter to your grandchildren, even if they have not yet been born. Tell them what you want them to know about you.
33. Write a letter to your descendants one hundred years from now. Describe what your life is like today.
34. Add your own ideas here:
MANAGING STRESS IN YOUR LIFE & RELATIONSHIPS
Photo by RapidEye/iStock / Getty Images
Learn to Have Healthy Relationships
This subject could fill an entire book. In the limited space of this newsletter, let’s look at the key components of this stress-reducing strategy.
1. Identify the sources of stress in your relationships. Write about them in a journal. Make a list of people who cause you stress and explore what the issues are.
2. Resolve the underlying issues. For each of the situations identified in step 1, assess what needs to happen to resolve it. Make a list and design a plan to improve the situation.
3. Learn skills to improve relationships. Relationship skills are learned. We are not born knowing how to get along well with others, and most of us learned only limited skills from our parents. Identify the skills you need to develop, and make a plan for yourself. You can learn these skills by reading books, taking classes, or working with a therapist.
4. Avoid toxic people and situations. Some people have a toxic effect on you. If you can, limit the amount of time you spend with them. Look for opportunities to decline their invitations. When these people are family members, remind yourself that you don’t have to feel guilty about avoiding anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself. In work situations, look for ways to rearrange your schedule or your workspace to avoid interacting with such people.
5. Seek out positive people and situations. This step is the reverse of the previous step. Look for opportunities to spend more time with people and in situations that make you feel good. Think about people who make you feel good about yourself and look for ways to increase time with them.
6. Watch what you eat. Some substances amplify the stress response. These include:
· Caffeine stimulates the release of stress hormones. This increases heart rate, blood pressure, and oxygen to the heart. Ongoing exposure to caffeine can harm the tissue of the heart.
· Refined sugar and processed flour are depleted of needed vitamins. In times of stress, certain vitamins help the body maintain the nervous and endocrine systems.
· Too much salt can lead to excessive fluid retention. This can lead to nervous tension and higher blood pressure. Stress often adds to the problem by causing increased blood pressure.
· Smoking not only causes disease and shortens life, it leads to increased heart rate, blood pressure, and respiration.
· Alcohol robs the body of nutrition that it might otherwise use for cell growth and repair. It also harms the liver and adds empty calories to the body.
During times of high stress, eat more complex carbohydrates (fruits, vegetables, whole breads, cereals, and beans).
7. Get moving. The human body was designed to be physically active. However, in most jobs today, people are sitting down most of the time. They hardly move at all except when it is time for coffee break or lunch. When faced with stressors, we respond with our minds, not our bodies. It is no wonder that many of us have a difficult time responding to stressful events.
Exercise is one of the simplest and most effective ways to respond to stress. Activity provides a natural release for the body during its fight-or-flight state of arousal. After exercising, the body returns to its normal state of equilibrium, and one feels relaxed and refreshed.
8. Look for ways to let go of tension and anxiety. Meditation, hypnosis, and progressive relaxation are valuable ways to regenerate and refresh yourself. You can purchase meditation and relaxation audiotapes or record your own. This is especially important because your health and long life depend on minimizing stress and achieving a sense of balance and well-being.
101 Affirmations and Positive Suggestions: A Workbook Utilizing The Power of Journaling and Self-Hypnosis
by Dr. Elizabeth A Mahaney
Link: http://a.co/0SzD9hN
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