Voice Dialogue

Voice Dialogue is the main intervention used in a modality called the Psychology of the Selves developed by psychologists Hal and Sidra Stone, who had such diverse influences as Jung, Skinner, Kazantzakis and Hermann Hesse. Their theory suggests that various parts of self coexist within each of us and determine our thoughts, behaviors and relationships with others.

Each of us "contains multitudes". We are made up of many selves, identifying with some and rejecting others. This over-identification with some selves and the loss of wholeness that comes from the rejection of others, can create imbalances and blind spots. This work is about embracing all the selves. This dance of the selves is an amazing process and we see the dynamics of the world around us shift as our internal world changes.

Rather than making choices based on a given criteria (the most rational, what feels right, what other people want, etc.), Voice Dialogue encourages a discussion between the parts of self at odds with one another. The understanding and expression of these selves helps us increase our self-awareness and even function better within a relationship. Although it does turn a couple into a group rather quickly.

1. When would a clinician use Voice Dialogue?

When there is a sense that the client has a feeling that he or she has different selves or parts.  For example, let us say that John goes to a party that he doesn't really feel like going to.  Once there he has a few drinks and soon he is the life of the party.  In the middle of the night when he awakens he is a bit depressed. In his session he may say something like:  "I don't understand how I get into these things.  I really didn't feeling like going and again it is as if something just takes over and there I am again doing something I don't really feel like doing."  In a situation like this Voice Dialogue could be a very effective intervention.

2. What does it look like?

The therapist might say: "It really does sound like there are two very different ways of being or value systems that are operating in you.  There is you the party person, the more extraverted self who generally needs some alcohol or drug to get him going.  On the other side is a more introverted part of you trying to come out and be heard but he seems to have less authority than the other one.  How would you feel about my talking to these two feelings or ways of being in the world to see if this might help clarify some of the conflict that you are describing?"

The therapist starts always with the self that is the more primary, that leads his life in the world.  For this the client actually moves over physically to a different position and the conversation or interview begins.  When finished John would go back to the center for a discussion of the work so far.  In this, or the next session, the therapist might have a conversation with the less developed, often totally disowned self.

3. How does it help the client?

It helps the client in three ways.  First he gets to hear in a very objective way what these different "voices" or selves have to say, what they want and need, how they developed -- the family forces that shaped them. Just knowing that the voices are real can be a total revelation.  A woman might say that she can't stand looking in the mirror in the morning. To discover that she has a voice in her, the Inner Critic, that embodies all of her self criticism can initiate a major shift in her life.  

Secondly, the therapist helps to develop a new place between the opposites, a place that can help the client hold the introversion with one hand and the extraversion with the other.  It is a new "center" of personality that we call the Aware Ego.  It is this Aware Ego Process that can learn to embrace the vast system of opposites that live within each of us.  

The third advantage is that from this Aware Ego Process the client is in a better position to make conscious choices.  A conscious choice is one that honors both sides of the conflict no matter which choice is actually made.

4. In your opinion what makes Voice Dialogue a cool intervention?

First of all it is way of working that is fun and alive and brings in all kinds of different thoughts, feelings and emotions.  It is impossible as a therapist to be bored or tired doing this work.  It the therapist gets tired or bored it is because he or she has fallen into a pattern of being overly responsible or overly mental or some primary self that limits possibilities of enjoying the work.  

Secondly there is the constant excitement of new discovery.  Discovering and separating from a primary self is like waking up from a dream and discovering whole new worlds of possibility.  

Thirdly, what you judge in the world are generally expressions of selves in you that have been shut down or rejected over time.  What a ride it is and how relationships do change as you begin to learn how to catch hold of these judgments.  

Fourthly, how different it is to learn how to allow your own vulnerability to live in the world of relationship.  So many people look for more meaning in their lives. Learning how to use vulnerability in a conscious way is really the royal highway to a more deeply felt and experienced life.

The Empty Chair

The term gestalt refers to a whole that is greater than the sum of its parts. Gestalt therapy, formulated by Fritz Perls (1893-1970) is based on the idea of a whole being as connected with their environment, loved ones and memories. Therapy works toward creating full awareness of the here and now, both within the client and between client and therapist. The empty chair is one of many interactive techniques used to help engage the client's feelings, thoughts and behaviors.

The ol' empty chair has had quite a tongue-lashing over the years. Clients have given a piece of their mind to innumerable spouses, bosses, best friends and dead relatives thanks to this simple tool. But the chair is none the worse for wear, and millions of people have a greater understanding of feelings and communication as a result.  

1. When would a clinician use the empty chair technique?

The empty chair technique is characteristic of some styles of gestalt therapy. It is often effective at facilitating clients' integration of different aspects or "disowned parts" of their personality in order to further psychotherapeutic insight. It is one of a variety of interventions that help people move from talking about something towards the fullness of immediate, present experience - sensation, affect, cognition, movement. The less people are "in touch," or "verbalizing," or abstractly thinking, the more likely therapists are to use this as an expressive technique. It is not used for clients whose emotionality is already dramatic and who may be already subject to emotional "flooding."

2. What does it look like?

As first popularized by Fritz Perls, one of the founders of gestalt therapy, an empty chair faced the client. The client imagined someone (or himself, herself, or parts of him or herself) in it, and spoke, gestured, or otherwise communicated to the "empty chair," which was now not so empty. The client then sat in the chair, continuing the conversation, this time reversing roles. Variations of the "empty chair" developed over the decades in order to fit the clinical needs of the situation - and as gestalt therapy evolved. The client might participate in this technique without the "prop" of an actual empty chair. Importantly, the technique today always includes attention to the relational dynamic between the client and the psychotherapist.

3. How does it help the client?

This technique often brings clients into present or immediate experiences. Abstractions or verbalizations become enlivened moments. Clients may be able to experience different aspects of their own conflicts in a new manner through empty-chair dialogue. Gestalt therapy is more than a collection of techniques, despite the notoriety of the empty chair. This technique is one of the many interventions within gestalt therapy, all with the common purpose of facilitating discovery and psychotherapeutic insight.

4. In your opinion, what makes the empty chair a cool intervention?

Any intervention that challenges the passivity of the clinician and turns psychotherapy into a creative collaboration is a cool technique. Further, if the empty chair is a new approach to the clients, it offers a new perspective on the therapy process.

The Miracle Question!

The Miracle Question – an old standby for many different types of therapy! This question can be used in individual therapy as well as couples therapy, and it can be applied to a wide range of situations, issues, or problems.

The general idea of this technique is to both help the client (or couple) explicate their needs or desires and help the therapist better understand what his or her client(s) is hoping to achieve in therapy. It is especially helpful for those who have never really taken the time to clarify what they want out of their relationship, either for themselves or for their partners.

This question can generally be worded as such (Howes, 2010):

“Suppose tonight, while you slept, a miracle occurred. When you awake tomorrow, what would be some of the things you would notice that would tell you life had suddenly gotten better?”

Even if one or both clients give describe a scenario that is absolutely impossible to achieve, their answer can still be useful for understanding their goals. In the scenario of an impossible ideal future state, the therapist can dig deeper into the couple’s “miracle” by asking, “How would that make a difference?” (Howes, 2010).

This question helps the couple believe in a more positive future for themselves, a future in which their problems are solved. This exercise can result in greater motivation to work at improving their relationship, enhanced confidence in the efficacy of couples therapy, and even instantaneous (but incremental) improvement in interactions between the two people.

Solution Focused Therapy (aka Brief Therapy) emerged in the 1980's as a branch of the systems therapies. A married therapist couple from Milwaukee, Steve de Shazer and Insoo Kim Berg, are credited with the name and basic practice of SFT. The theory focuses not on the past, but on what the client wants to achieve today. By making conscious all the ways the client is creating their ideal future and encouraging forward progress, clinicians point clients toward their goals rather than the problems that drove them to therapy. 

The Miracle Question fits perfectly with this model. Imagining an ideal future and connecting it to the present immediately actualizes the work. Clients are challenged to look past their obstacles and hopelessness and focus on the possibilities.

It's cool because it's a relatively simple intervention that can have a powerful impact. Just take a look at the question (response #2). You're probably crafting your response already. It's creative, bold, healing, a bit mysterious and definitely has a cool name. The Top Ten designation is well deserved. 

Don't just listen to me, hear it from an expert. Linda Metcalf, Ph.D. is founder of the Solution Focused Institute of Fort Worth, Texas and author of ten books including The Miracle Question: Answer It and Change Your Life. Beyond writing and therapy, she speaks internationally to schools, agencies and universities. She was kind enough to share her wisdom with us today. 

1. When would a clinician use the Miracle Question?

The Miracle Question is a goal setting question that is useful when a client simply does not know what a preferred future would look like. It can be used with individuals to set the course for therapy, with couples, to clarify what each person needs from each other and with families, who too often see one person as the culprit. By using the Miracle Question and asking each person what a better life would look like, it is apparent, perhaps for the first time, what others need from each other.

2. What does it look like?

"Suppose tonight, while you slept, a miracle occurred. When you awake tomorrow, what would be some of the things you would notice that would tell you life had suddenly gotten better?"

The therapist stays with the question even if the client describes an "impossible" solution, such as a deceased person being alive, and acknowledges that wish and then asks "how would that make a difference in your life?"  Then as the client describes that he/she might feel as if they have their companion back again, the therapist asks "how would that make a difference?"  With that, the client may say, "I would have someone to confide in and support me."  From there, the therapist would ask the client to think of others in the client's life who could begin to be a confidant in a very small manner.

3. How does it help the client?

It catapults the client from a problem saturated context into a visionary context where he/she has a moment of freedom, to step out of the problem story and into a story where they are more problem free. But, more importantly, it helps the therapist to know exactly what the client wants from therapy...and this is what makes Solution Focused Therapy so efficient and brief.

4. In your opinion, what makes the Miracle Question a cool intervention?

It helps the therapist see where the client wants to go. Too often, therapists assume that a client needs to grieve, leave their spouse, quit their job, after the client describes why he/she has come to therapy. The Miracle Question helps the client and therapist to address exactly what the client wants, not what the therapist thinks is best.

Listening Accurately Worksheet

Non Violent Communication and Listening Accurately. Let’s listen to understand, instead of listening to change the way the other person feels.

4 Tips to Have a Great Date

I hear these comments fairly often in my practice:  “I’m not good at dating,” “I never know what to say” or “I can’t get past a 2nd or third date.” I also hear from my couples that their date nights are “boring” or “lacking connection.” Dating isn’t so much about what you say, but more about how you listen. Like Dale Carnegie wrote about in his classic book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, focus on being interested, not interesting. Although this advice was more about being a good salesmen, it can be applied to any relationship you have in your life. Everyone genuinely wants to feel understood and appreciated and nothing makes a person feel more understood than sincerely listening to him or her. If you keep this in mind, it can take some of the pressure off of you to feel like you need to have a bunch of interesting things going on in your life to share with the other person.

Based on John Gottman’s decades of observing people, here are 4 tips on how to have a great date, whether it’s a first date, 10th date, or a date with the spouse you’ve been with for 10 years!

Tip #1 Ask open-ended questions

There is a fine balance between asking a question that is too open such as “What’s up?” or “How’s it going?” People tend to give one word responses to those questions, possibly because they aren’t sure you want to know the full answer. Instead ask questions that are still open but more directed, such as “How has your summer been going? Have any plans for vacations?” It might be a good idea to ask questions about goals or visions of the future.  This will allow you to get to know the person’s aspirations and dreams. Be careful to watch your audience and gage if your questions are uncomfortable for the person and find the right level of disclosure.

“How’s your summer going? Have any vacation plans?”

“If you could have a job in another field, what type of job would you want to have?”

Tip #2 Listen to the person’s answers and find commonalities

As you ask open-ended questions, listen to the person’s answers and share something you have in common with what they are saying. People are more attracted to people who can relate to them and to those people with whom they share common ground. After you share a bit about yourself put the conversation back to them. Share enough to establish commonality and then ask a follow-up question to what they said earlier.

“Oh, you’re a teacher? My roommate is a teacher. He’s getting pretty stressed thinking about this upcoming school year. What do you do to prepare for the beginning of the school year? Maybe I could give him some tips from you.”

If your date had said he or she had returned from a vacation in California, a follow-up might be: “I love California, it’s such a diverse state, something for everyone! When I went there a few years ago we saw the Redwoods, I remember they were so tall and majestic. What did you see when you went there?”

Tip #3 Paraphrase what the person said and show non-verbally that you are listening

If you paraphrase what the person said, it shows them that you are listening. This is also helpful when asking questions or when mentioning a commonality.

“You seem to really love your job! How did you know you wanted to be a veterinarian?”

“You used to live in Lincoln Square? I love that neighborhood and spend a lot of time there! Have any gotta-go to places?”

Another helpful thing to do that shows people you are listening is to nod briefly or respond with a verbal cue “uh huh, yeah?, hmm.”

Tip #4 Let go of your own agenda

Try not to focus so much on the outcome of the conversation. It’s hard to focus on listening when you are trying to come up with your next interesting question to ask the person. Instead, focus on what the other person is saying in that moment and ask follow-up questions to further your understanding of what they are saying. Look for those emotional cues where you can empathize with what they are saying.

Above all, just listen to the other person with your full attention. Your ability to draw people out with a general curiosity about them will go further than if you were the most interesting person in the world.

How is The Gottman Method different from other types of couples therapy?

Infographic based on Gottman’s research

Infographic based off on Gottman’s research

• Researched-Based

• Dyadic and allows couples to apply skills during session in order to modify arguments so that they are more productive outside of session.

• Designed to increase admiration for one another and enhance friendship—providing partners with the mutual understanding and skills that will serve them long after therapy is complete.

Gottman Method Couples Therapy

What is Gottman Method Couples Therapy?

Developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman of The Gottman Institute, Gottman Method Couples Therapy is a research-based approach to strengthening relationships.

Dr. John Gottman has been studying relationships for decades, gaining insight about what makes relationships last. Over 3,000 couples participated in long-term research studies, which led to the development of one of the leading methods of couples therapy.

What are the goals of Gottman Method Couples Therapy?

-To increase respect, affection and closeness,
-Break through and resolve conflict when partners feel stuck,
-Generate greater understanding between partners,
-And keep conflict discussions calm.

How do we accomplish this?

Drs. Gottman developed “The Sound Relationship House” which includes the 9 components of a healthy relationship. A therapist who is trained in The Gottman Method can keep your therapeutic work on track by including activities in session which help your relationship in these areas:

1. Build Love Maps (or how well you know your partner’s inner world).

2. Share Fondness and Admiration (the antidotes to contempt).

3. Turn Towards (small moments of relationship bonding).

4. The Positive Perspective (maintain positive view of your partner even in times of conflict).

5. Manage Conflict (how to manage conflict even when there isn’t a clear resolution).

6. Make Life Dreams Come True (encourage the couple to share honestly about hopes, values and aspirations).

7. Create Shared Meaning (understand the important stories and dreams for your relationship).

8. Trust (creating a secure feeling in the relationship).

9. Commitment (believing and acting as committed life partners).

As a relationship therapist in Tampa, Florida

I’ve had the privilege of training with the Gottmans  and have completed Gottman Method Couples Therapy Levels I and II. Depending on your needs, I blend Gottman Method, NVC Communication and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT)  to give your relationship the best chance of success!

Make an appointment: www.SouthTampaCounselor.com/BookAppointment

Six Hours to a Better Relationship

Minor shifts in the way you interact with your partner can have a major impact on your relationship. The research of Drs John and Julie Gottman has uncovered some clear patterns of couples who's relationship improved over time compared to those who did not. These successful couples simply devoted a few minutes a day to connect with their partner and to maintain a positive relationship. That's it. Not some dramatic relationship overhaul, but rather small efforts throughout the week that took only minutes at a time, accumulating to 6 hours total. Test it out for yourself.

Top Rated Marriage Counselor In Tampa

I am honored to be among the top 3 rated marriage counselors in Tampa!

Thank you so very much for this recognition. I love what I do!

Feeling Honored and Passionate About Helping Couples & Families! ~Liz

Building Love Maps

THE RESEARCH

Dr. John Gottman has spent over 40 years studying marital stability through direct scientific observations of more than 3,000 couples. His research has provided him with valuable in- sight into what makes relationships succeed and fail. In fact, after sitting down with a couple for as little as 15 minutes, he can predict whether or not that couple will divorce with over 90% accuracy!

Together with his wife Dr. Julie Gottman, Dr. John Gottman developed the Sound RelationshipHouse Theory of successful relationships based on his breakthrough research findings. He considers this to be more rewarding than his divorce prediction model because it provides couples with scientifically proven tools to strengthen and divorce-proof their marriage.

BUILDING LOVE MAPS

Do you know what kind of salad dressing your partner likes? Do you know what their biggest stressor is right now? Is religion important to them? What are some of their deepest fears?

These are examples of details you may or may not know about your partner, and they restored in what Dr. Gottman calls your Love Maps. Enhancing your Love Maps is the first level of the Sound Relationship House, and Dr. Gottman uses this term to describe the part of your brain where you keep all the relevant information about your partner’s life. Emotionally intelligent couples remember all the major events in each other’s history, and continuously update their information as the facts and feelings of their spouse’s would change.

Knowing your partner not only deepens your bond, but also prepares you better for stressful events and conflict. In one study, Dr. Gottman found that after the birth of the first baby,67% of couples experiences a decline in marital satisfaction, while the other 33% did not experience this decline. In fact, half of these couples saw an improvement in their marriage.

What caused the difference in satisfaction between these two groups? Love Maps. The couples whose marriages thrived after the birth had a deep understanding of each other’s worlds. The couples who didn’t start off with a deep knowledge about each other were thrown off course when they faced a dramatic shift in their lives.

Detailed Love Maps protected couples in the wake of this dramatic upheaval. Because husband and wife were already in the habit of keeping up to date and were intently aware of what each other was feeling and thinking, their marriage remained stable. But if couple don’t start off with a deep knowledge and understanding of each other, it’s easy for a marriage to lose its way when lives shift so suddenly and dramatically.

Having a baby is just one life event that can cause couples to fall apart if they don’t have a detailed Love Map. Any major change - such as the loss of a job, an illness, or retirement - can have the same effect on your relationship. This is why it’s crucial to keep up to date on your partner’s Love Map. The more you know and understand about each other, the easier it is to stay connected when life swirls around you.

WHY CAN’T WE BE FRIENDS?

Enhancing your Love Maps is really just about building your friendship on an intimate level.Research shows that the determining factor in whether wives and husbands feel satisfied with the sex, romance, and passion in their marriage is, by 70%, the quality of the couple’s friendship. So get to know each other! Ask your partner about their day and remember the little things about them. In times of conflict and despair, it will be your intimate friendship that strengthens your relationship.

THE LOVE MAPS 20 QUESTIONS GAME

Now that you understand the importance of building Love Maps, and have assessed the quality of you and your partner’s current Love Maps, play a fun, light-hearted game with your partner. The more you play, the more you’ll learn about the Love Maps concept and how to apply it to your relationship.

Step 1: Both you and your partner take a piece of paper, and with a pen, write down twenty number between 1 and 60.

Step 2: On the next page is a list of numbered questions. Beginning with the top of your column, match the numbers you chose with the corresponding question. Each of you should ask your partner this question. If your spouse answers correctly (you be the judge), he or she receives a point. If your partner responds incorrectly, neither of you receives any points. The same rules apply when you answer. The winner is the person with the higher score after you’ve both answer all twenty questions.

Play this game as frequently as you’d like. The more you play, the more you’ll come to understand the concept of a Love Map and the kind of information yours should include about your spouse.

1. Name two of my closest friends (2)
2. What is my favorite musical group, composer, or instrument? (2)
3. What was I wearing when we first met? (2)

4. Name one of my hobbies. (3)
5. Where was I born? (1)
6. What stresses am I facing right now? (4)
7. Describe in detail what I did today, or yesterday. (4)

8. When is my birthday? (1)
9. What is the date of our anniversary? (1) 

10. Who is my favorite relative? (2)
11. What is my fondest unrealized dream? (5) 

12. What is my favorite website? (2)
13. What is one of my greatest fears or disaster scenarios? (3)
14. What is my favorite time of day for lovemaking? (3)
15. What makes me feel most competent? (4)
16. What turns me on sexually? (3)
17. What is my favorite meal? (2)
18. What is my favorite way to spend an evening? (2) 

19. What is my favorite color? (1)
20. What personal improvements do I want to the least? (3)

21. What kind of present would I like best? (2) 

22. What was one of my best childhood experiences? (2)
23. What was my favorite vacation? (2)
24. What is one of my favorite ways to relax? (4) 

25. Who is my greatest source of support (other than you)? (3)

30. What is my favorite movie? (2)

31. What are some of the important events coming up in my life? How do I feel about them? (4) 

32. What are some of my favorite ways to work out? (2)
33. Who was my best friend in childhood? (3)
34. What is one of my favorite magazines? (2)
35. Name one of my major rivals or enemies. (3) 

36. What would I consider my dream job? (4)
37. What do I fear the most? (4)
38. Who is my least favorite relative? (3)
39. What is my favorite holiday? (2)
40. What kinds of books do I most like to read? (3) 

41. What is my favorite TV show? (2)
42. Which side of the bed do I prefer? (2)
43. What am I most sad about? (4)
44. Name one of my concerns or worries. (4)
45. What medical problems do I worry about? (2) 

46. What was my most embarrassing moment? (3) 

47. What was my worst childhood experience? (3) 

48. Name two people I most admire. (4)
49. Name my favorite ice cream flavor. (2)
50. Of all the people we both know, who do I like
51. What is one of my favorite desserts? (2) 

52. What is my social security number? (2)
53. Name one of my novels. (2)
54. What is my favorite restaurant? (2)
55. What are two of my aspirations, hopes, make in my life? (4)
56. Do I have a secret ambition? What is it? (4) 

57. What foods do I hate? (2)
58. What is my favorite animal? (2)
59. What is my favorite song? (2)
60. Which sports teams is my favorite? (2)

ASKING OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS

Now that you understand the concept of Love Maps, we will provide you with a list of open-ended questions to ask your partner. These are questions that can’t be answered with a quick “yes” or “no.” You and your partner will take turns being the speaker and the listener. After your partner answers your question, follow up with an open-ended question of your own, then answer the original question you asked your partner. Then your partner asks you an open-ended question, and so on. These questions take longer to answer, so you don’t have to answer all of them in one sitting. This will be an enlightening way to build your love maps over time.

1. How would you like your life to be different three years from now?

2. Do you see your work changing in the future? How?

3. What is your opinion of your physical home? Would you make changes if you could?
4. How do you think your life would be different if lived a hundred years ago?

5. How would you compare yourself as a mother (father) to your mother (father)?

6. What kind of person do you think our child(ten) will become? Any fears? Hopes?

7. How are you feeling about your jobs these days?

8. If you could redo a five-year periods of your life, which would you choose?

9. How are you feeling right now about being a parent?

10. If you could change one thing in your past, what would it be?

11. What is the most exciting thing happening in your life right now?

16. What were the best and worst things that happened to you when you were a teen?

17. If you could live in another time in history, when would you choose and why?

18. If you could choose a different career or vocation, shat would it be, and why?

19. What is the one thing you would most lie to change about your personality? Why?

20. Do you feel like certain things are missing from your life? What are they?

21. Do you think you’ve changed in the last year? How so?

22. If you could design the perfect home for us, what would it be like?

23. If you could live another person’s life, whose would you choose?

24. Have any of your life goals recently changed?

25. What are some of you life dreams now?

26. What are your goals for us as family?

27. What goals do you have just for yourself right now?

All of the above questions will help you develop greater personal insight and a more de- tailed map of each other’s life and world. Getting to know your spouse better and sharing your inner self with your partner is an ongoing process. In fact, it’s a lifelong process. So think of questions to ask your partner; the key to sustaining a happy marriage is to periodically ask what’s going on in their life.

For all of their power, Love Maps are only a first step. Happily married couples don’t “just”know each other. They build on and enhance this knowledge in many important ways. There are six other levels of the Sound Relationship House that are key to a happy relationship, including nurturing fondness and admiration, turning towards each other, letting your partner influence you, solving your solvable problems, overcoming gridlock, and creating shared meaning. 

Turning Toward vs Turning Away vs Turning Against

Turning Towards Instead of Away

Let’s say your eccentric uncle Kevin gives you $10,000 on your wedding day. The only catch is that you have to invest it for six years with one of two firms that Kevin suggests. Firm A is well respected on Wall Street for both its ethics and its returns, and most clients are very happy even with sometimes modest gains. Firm B guarantees they’ll squander your money and blame you for it. Which one would you choose?

Or let’s say that on your wedding day, you get a diagnosis of a rare blood disease that usually kills its victims within six years. Your wacky aunt Cathy had that same disease and she knows of the only two doctors in the world that work with it. One doctor is actively doing research, testing new treatments, and curing patients with great success. The other is a drunk. Which doctor would you choose?

Or let’s say that on your wedding day, the universe starts a giant egg timer set for six years. When the egg timer goes off, you’ll either be divorced or you won’t. You’ve heard the rumor that 50% of marriages end in divorce, but Kevin and Cathy know some tips that can increase your odds of making it. More importantly, they know of a single strategy that would virtually guarantee that you would divorce before the timer went off. Would you want to know it?

Of course you would. You would invest with Firm A. You would choose the sober doctor. And you will do whatever it takes to ensure that you protected yourself from divorce. As it turns out, your aunt and uncle are onto something: there really is a secret.

As part of his research, Dr. Gottman conducted a study with newlyweds and then followed up with them six years later. Many of the couples had remained together. Many had divorced. The couples that stayed married were much better at one thing — the third level of the Sound Relationship House, Turn Towards Instead of Away. At the six-year follow up, couples that had stayed married turned towards one another 86% of the time. Couples that had divorced averaged only 33% of the time. The secret is turning towards.

I think this is a pretty incredible piece of data. It suggests that there is something you can today that will dramatically change the course of your relationship. More importantly, it suggests that there is something that you can not do that will lead to its demise. So, how do you turn towards instead of away? In order to understand turning, you have to first understand bids.

A bid is any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection. Bids show up in simple ways, a smile or wink, and more complex ways, like a request for advice or help. In general, women make more bids than men, but in the healthiest relationships, both partners are comfortable making all kinds of bids.

Bids can get tricky, however, and admittedly I sometimes miss more bids than I don’t. Indeed many men struggle in this regard, so it’s important to pay attention. Bids usually have a secondary layer – the true meaning behind the words. Call it the the difference between text and subtext. A few examples to get your brain going:

How do I look?Can I have your attention?

Let’s put the kids to bed.Can I have your help?

I talked to my sister today.Will you chat with me?

Did I tell you the one about…?Will you enjoy me?

Want to cuddle?Can I have your affection?

Want to play Cribbage?Will you play with me?

I had a terrible lunch meeting today.Will you help me destress?

To “miss” a bid is to “turn away.” Turning away can be devastating. It’s even more devastating than “turning against” or rejecting the bid. Rejecting a bid at least provides the opportunity for continued engagement and repair. Missing the bid results in diminished bids, or worse, making bids for attention, enjoyment, and affection somewhere else.

It is important that you learn to recognize bids and that you commit to making them to one another. Make the word “bids” part of your conversation and perhaps name your bids toward one another. It’s okay to say, “I’m making a bid for attention now” as you get to know each other in this early phase of your relationship. You can also practice discerning subtext together. Pick a show that is new to you both and watch it on mute. See if you can interpret the bids that the characters are making based only on non-verbals. Once you start to get intentional about your bids, you can concentrate on “turning towards.”

Turning towards starts with paying attention. Your work on bids will come in handy here. Simply recognizing that a bid has been made opens the door to response. If you’ve really been paying attention, you’ll respond to both the text and the subtext. As bids get more complicated, so will the nature of turning toward. For now, start simple. Take an inventory of the bids and turning in your relationship and share your responses with one another.

• What do I know about how I make bids?

• Could or should I get better at making bids? How?

• How good am I at recognizing the difference between text and subtext?

• What keeps me from making bids?

• What is my impulse for turning?

• Do I turn away or against more often than I turn towards?

• When it comes to turning towards, am I closer to 33% or 86%?

• What does it feel like when my partner doesn’t turn towards me?

• How can I get better at turning towards?

As you continue moving through life together, you will undoubtedly have to risk heading into more vulnerable territory. This will be easier if you’ve committed to building a solid friendship based on Building Love Maps, Sharing Fondness and Admiration, and Turning Towards Instead of Away. Your eccentric uncle Kevin and wacky aunt Cathy would be proud.

Source: https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/

What "Turning Against' Really Means 

In our post on Monday, we discussed Dr. Gottman’s findings on the deeply destructive nature of “turning against” your partner’s bids. “Turning against” or “away” describes the behaviors in your interactions between you and your partner that, upon accumulation, categorically spell disaster for your relationship. Today, we would like to part the storm clouds a bit by offering you findings from Dr. Gottman’s research about the true causes of much of the behavior we described on Monday – the real reasons for which your partner may “turn against” you, lash out unexpectedly, or say things that they don’t really mean. We share this information with you in hopes that it will help you to learn the ways in which you can manage conflict constructively. We would like, in short, to offer you help in coping with the most trying interactions in your relationship.  

The first step in building the skills that Dr. Gottman teaches in his marital therapy is understanding – answering the question that may come up when such interactions unexpectedly throw themselves into your life – when your partner snaps at you out of nowhere. Dr. Gottman has discovered that there is an enormous difference between what you think your partner is saying when they “turn against” your bids and what their behavior’s cause usually is! Here is what Dr. Gottman has found “turning against”  says and what it actually means.

“Turning Against” Says:

• Your need for attention makes me angry.

• I feel hostile towards you.

• I don’t respect you.

• I don’t value you or this relationship.

• I want to hurt you.

• I want to drive you away.

“Turning Against” Usually Means: In a direct quote from Dr. Gottman himself, “Unlike ‘turning away’ responses, ‘turning against’ has a bite to it. It’s hard to hear such responses without thinking, ‘That’s mean’ or ‘That was uncalled for.’ Still, I doubt that most people who turn against their loved ones really intend to cause as much harm to their relationships as they do in these exchanges. Rather, they may simply have developed a personal style of relating that’s characteristically crabby or irritable.” Dr. Gottman’s research has revealed that such prickliness is often “the result of many factors, such as having too many demands on your time, not having enough peace of mind, or the lack of a satisfying purpose or direction for your life. Often it’s a spillover of self-criticism that has its origins in the distant past. The problem may also be biologically based irritability that is chemically related to depression.”

Whatever the source may be of your partner’s choice to “turn against” your bids for attention, affection, or support, it still hurts. Sometimes, it hurts a LOT. The build up of ignored bids can end up causing long-term problems in relationships. When your partner habitually responds to you by “turning against” your bids for connection, you feel that you can’t ask them for support and the two of you may drift apart entirely, because it feels impossible to sustain your relationship. Again, we have to stress: You are not alone! Hopefully understanding that the underlying causes for your partner’s behavior are rarely as malicious as they may feel, that what they say and what they mean are usually oceans apart, can help you to take these sudden attacks less personally. 

Of course, these words offer sparse comfort on their own – to understand is only the first step in the journey towards moving away from dangerous patterns of interaction. But it is a necessary first step. We will take you through the next steps (applying this new knowledge) in the next few weeks on The Gottman Relationship Blog. For more details, make sure to find a copy of Dr. Gottman’s bestselling books in a bookstore near you: The Relationship Cure, Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, and of course, his new book, What Makes Love Last!

Source: https://www.gottman.com/blog/what-turning-against-really-means/

The Art of Comprise and Core Needs

Core Needs Exercise

“Seek first to understand, then to be understood” -Stephen Covey

 What is a Core Need?

A core need is something that you need to feel like yourself in any situation. When a core need is met you are able to be more present to what is actually happening, rather than being over-focused or desperate about that need. The desperation can be a symptom or a signal that a core need is not being met, and your mind is trying to address it by giving it your mental/emotional attention. 

Consider, for example, that you are taking a long hike in the hills and after a few miles you reach for your water bottle and it isn’t where you thought you put it. Your mind will be driven to search for it, because on this hike adequate hydration is a core need. If you can’t find the water bottle and the sun is bearing down on you, then most of your actions are going to be focused on getting that water to meet that core hydration need. It is going to bug you, compel you and drive you until you can address the water issue. Once the water core need is met, you will be able to continue the hike and be more present to the fuller experience of your surroundings.

Here is another example: You work hard all day with mental problems and when you arrive home, your head is still mulling over those problems. There is an argument with family members soon after you arrive home. When you step back and look at what is actually happening, you discover your head is still in work mode from the day while you are trying to connect with your family members. 

Therefore, you might have the core need of “transition time". To address that core need, one option might be a 30 minute buffer time to change clothes, acclimate to being home, and allow your head to power down from the flow of mental problem-solving.

Let us say you don’t get that buffer and you put yourself in the middle of the family. Most likely you will be pulled inside in two different directions: trying to disconnect mentally and emotionally from the work of the day and trying to connect in the present moment with the family. This often results in feelings of frustration and fights about things that usually are not stressful, because you are torn inside with competing interests. A 30-minute buffer and transition time--especially if the family understands your need and it makes sense to them--would make it more possible for you to “feel like yourself” at home and be more present to what is actually occurring there.

As you can see, core needs are by their nature inflexible: you NEED the water and you NEED your transition time or you will be hurting yourself physically and/or emotionally. 

So in working things out with others, it is best not to compromise a core need. You function best from where you are flexible. You may find that as you discuss the issue of work/home transitions with your family, that they each have a core need to be “greeted” when you arrive home. Since you would know you are going to get your transition time, you might be flexible to delay it a few minutes so you could check in on each member and say hello. If there is an agreement about your transition time—your family knows you need your 30 minutes and they are aware of the benefit when you have that time--they could encourage you and support you in taking that time after the greeting. Everybody wins with these agreements, and compromise does not sacrifice any core needs.

NOTE: Core Needs are more possible to identify when you are applying this process to an actual situation, such as: when I get home in the afternoon from work I need a transition time, rather than a generalized core need say, to get “respect.” It is more effective to explore the core need of “ respect” IN the situation of when you arrive home from work. Be as specific about a circumstance as possible and avoid generalizations and “always” and “never” narratives. 

____________________________________

This is the format for discovering core needs and flexible needs for each person in a relationship or just for your own insight into yourself.

Note:

• COMPROMISE happens in the FLEXIBLE NEEDS area of the circle. NOTE that there is a much larger circle for FLEXIBLE NEEDS than the CORE NEEDS. It is important to work to get the core needs circle as clear and accurate as possible.  CORE NEEDS content will be smaller than the flexible needs.  However, it may FEEL larger when trying to trick or convince someone to be flexible with a CORE NEED. This will create attention to the smaller circle and create a gridlock. 

• Understanding and discovery happens in the core needs. Not compromise. These are non-flexible. And if they are flexible and that is ok, then they are still important to you but are not core needs but flexible.

• Sometimes you think something is a core need and you may find upon discussion it is actually flexible. Sometimes you find a flexible need might be core as you get insight. Allow continuing understanding to happen as you work with this.

 It is often best to start learning this exercise using a very focused issue such as “where do we go on vacation’ or “what movie do we want to watch this weekend together.”  You can choose “our marriage,” as a focus but know that this is a broader focus and might need to be broken down into areas of the marriage such as ‘friendship” or “parent” and "sexuality" "affection" and other areas. It is ok to choose“the marriage” as the focus, just know that if you get bogged down to bring the target focus into a more specific topic about “the marriage.” Then this can be done with many conversations instead of one big one. Marriage is actually one life-long conversation.

Once you each have completed your two lists, set a time aside to each have a turn where you listen to your partner's circles, and only ask questions for your understanding THEIR point of view. Once both have had a turn WITHOUT criticism or commentary, THEN, move into a discussion and how a negotiation and agreements can be made with the flexible/adaptive areas.  This is to be done while valuing and protecting your partners core needs: the non-flexible areas. It is often amazing how many new options open up when a couple stops trying to change their own or their partner's core needs on an issue, and move to a discussion of the flexible areas.  Happy couples do more than that. They PROTECT and ADVOCATE for their partner's core needs. 

Use the GETTING TO YES questions A a guide to help come to a negotiated agreement regarding the issue or focus at hand:

Remember the principles of the Sound Relationship House below, especially avoiding the Four Horsemen! There are more instructive articles on the CORE NEEDS EXERCISE below.

“Seek first to understand, then to be understood”

"More than one thing can be true at the same time."

"There is nothing wrong with you, life it just far harder than you ever expected.

Yield to Win: Compromise like I am someone you love. The art of compromise exercise. Discuss the questions with your partner.

Manage Conflict: The Art of Compromise & Why You Need To Accept Your Partner's Core Needs

We’ve all been in the middle of an argument that we know we cannot win, understanding that our frustration has overwhelmed all sense of perspective. Spent and shattered, we would do well to remember the old saying: “It is better to bend than to break!” And this is just what Dr. Gottman’s countless research studies have shown.

When you are caught in the heat of an argument, you are in a state of crisis, which is defined as “a time of intense difficulty, trouble, or danger” from the Greek krisis. In times where you experience crisis, what you yearn for most of all is to feel safe. If you do not feel safe (emotionally or physically), there is no way for you to reach a state of compromise with your partner.

Dr. Gottman’s further findings may not seem so intuitive: If your goal is to reach a state of compromise, you must first focus on yourself. Define your core needs in the area of your problems, do not relinquish anything that you feel is absolutely essential, and understand that you must be willing to accept influence.

His advice, based on more than four decades years of research, is the following:

Remember, you can only be influential if you accept influence. Compromise never feels perfect. Everyone gains something and everyone loses something. The important thing is feeling understood, respected, and honored in your dreams.

If you feel like this is an incredibly tall order, you are not alone. Luckily, the following exercise may be of comfort. Featured in the couples workshop that Dr. Gottman presents with his wife and collaborator, Dr. Julie Gottman, this exercise will help you and your partner to make headway into the perpetually gridlocked problems you face in your relationship. We hope that it will provide welcome relief in this critical first step towards easing the many stresses of conflict:

The Art of Compromise

Step 1: Consider an area of conflict in which you and your partner have been stuck in perpetual gridlock. Draw two ovals, one within the other. The one on the inside is yourInflexible Area, and the one on the outside is your Flexible Area.

Step 2: Think of the inside oval containing the ideas, needs, and values you absolutely cannot compromise on, and the outside oval containing the ideas, needs, and values that you feel more flexible with in this area. Make two lists.

Step 3: Discuss the following questions with your partner, in the way that feels most comfortable and natural for the two of you:

• Can you help me to understand why your “inflexible” needs or values are so important to you?

• What are your guiding feelings here?

• What feelings and goals do we have in common? How might these goals be accomplished?

• Help me to understand your flexible areas. Let’s see which ones we have in common.

• How can I help you to meet your core needs?

• What temporary compromise can we reach on this problem?

Designed as an activity for the two of you, this exercise should not be approached in the midst of a stressful discussion. It will be most helpful if undertaken in peacetime, perhaps in the evening or on a weekend. It should take you and your partner approximately thirty minutes. Remember, this activity is not a magical pill that the two of you can pop, causing your problems to disappear forever! It is the beginning of a series of what will likely prove to be long, honest, fruitful, and fulfilling discussions.

If this all still feels intimidating, don’t be discouraged. It probably means that this is important to you. And that is your greatest power – motivation to overcome these very real difficulties. In the words of Virginia Woolf, “You cannot find peace by avoiding life.” The differences between us all are very real.

Remember, those of us who love someone have a real gift – having seen the unique beauty of the one we love, in all of its strengths and weaknesses, complexities and depths, we share the will to build bridges between our souls.

The first time contempt showed up in my marriage it was quiet, condescending, and it came from me.

I’d made plans with my friends and was calling my husband to wish him a good day when he asked, “When will I hear from you?”

That one question rattled every independent bone in my body.

What did he mean “When would I hear from you?” He was hearing from me now. I was going to be with my friends later. That was the whole point of me calling!

I wasn’t expecting to talk to him again until the following day.

“What do you mean we’re not talking until tomorrow?” he asked. “I thought since we aren’t seeing each other later, we’d be talking tonight.”

And that’s when I said it. “Really?”

I simply did not understand his notion of checking in, keeping in touch, or staying emotionally connected while apart. I was single for years before meeting him. I wasn’t used to staying in touch with someone and I didn’t see that as a reflection of how I felt about him.

I could be in love with him and still not need to talk to him multiple times per day.

However, that wasn’t his style. He needed to connect regularly.

Our core needs are not negotiable

Successful relationships come down to basic questions about our core needs:

• What do I need in a relationship in order to feel loved, happy, fulfilled, and secure?

• What do you need in a relationship to feel the same?

• Are you willing to meet my needs in this relationship?

• Am I willing to meet yours?

If our partners are unwilling to meet our needs, the relationship cannot thrive. If we are unwilling to meet our partner’s needs, the outcome remains the same.

It didn’t matter whether or not my husband’s need for regular connection challenged my sense of independence. It didn’t matter whether or not I believed it to be a worthwhile need. It only mattered whether or not I was willing to give him what he needed.

If his needs challenged my own, if I couldn’t give him what he needed, or if I simply didn’t want to give him what he needed, I needed to take the door.

I loved him more than I cared about having to check in.

At the end of the day, I loved him more than I was challenged by regular connection. I was willing to meet his need in order for our relationship to succeed.

How our needs get met is negotiable

When I met my husband and we were first working this stuff out, I was working a crazy job with crazy hours. I couldn’t guarantee much in terms of regular or consist contact. However, I was able to say:

I love you. You are important to me. I understand you hate feeling like my busy schedule keeps me from thinking of you. I don’t want you to feel that way. I am going to keep in touch and I need you to understand there’s no way I can promise when, for how long, or how often I’ll be able to do so.

Here is the recipe for success:

• Communicate that you understand your partner’s need and why it’s important to them

• Reiterate why tending to this is important to you

• Be clear on your own boundaries and limits in meeting the need

• Communicate what your partner can expect from you going forward

• Check back with your partner that they understand your limits and are ok with them

This is taken from the Gottman-Rapoport Conflict Blueprint for managing conflict in committed relationships.

Lasting relationships require flexibility

Working together to meet each other’s needs is a dance that can create a meaningful and lasting relationship.

Successful relationships require a solid friendship, so it helps in the beginning when needs can be met consistently to build trust and security between partners.

When it comes to meeting needs, communication and compromise are a necessity.

While my job is lower key now and less demanding in many ways than when my husband and I first confronted this issue, I still need me time away from my partner.

Communication is crucial:

Babe, I know you like keeping in touch. I am having a “just get in my car and drive” kind of day. I need to clear my head and unplug from everything and everyone. I am heading out for a while but I will call once my head is clear and let you know when I’ll be back. Sound good?

The key here is to take your partner’s needs into account while expressing yours.

If you don’t communicate this, you run the risk of your partner thinking that you stopped caring, that their needs are only a priority when it’s convenient for you, or some other unintended message.

Sometimes, your needs will conflict with one another and you’re going to have to talk about it, negotiate it, and come to a compromise together.

Relationships thrive when needs are met and falter when they’re not. That fact, quite simply, is non-negotiable.

FONDNESS and ADMIRATION Relationship Online QUIZ

Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance. Getting through stressful times and managing conflict is much easier if you and your partner regularly show how highly you value each other. Dr. John Gottman designed the following questions to assess the current level of fondness and admiration that exists in your relationship.

• I can easily list the three things I most admire about my partner.*

  • True

  • False

• When we are apart, I often think fondly of my partner.*

  • True

  • False

• I will often find some way to tell my partner “I love you.”*

  • True

  • False

• I often touch or kiss my partner affectionately.*

  • True

  • False

• My partner really respects me.*

  • True

  • False

• I feel loved and cared for in this relationship.*

  • True

  • False

• I feel accepted and liked by my partner.*

  • True

  • False

• My partner finds me sexy and attractive.*

  • True

  • False

• My partner turns me on sexually.*

  • True

  • False

• There is fire and passion in this relationship.*

  • True

  • False

• Romance is definitely still a part of our relationship.*

  • True

  • False

• I am really proud of my partner.*

  • True

  • False

• My partner really enjoys my achievements and accomplishments.*

  • True

  • False

• I can easily tell you why I started dating my partner.*

  • True

  • False

• If I had to do it all over again, I would date the same person.*

  • True

  • False

• We rarely go to sleep without some show of love or affection.*

  • True

  • False

• When I come into a room, my partner is glad to see me.*

  • True

  • False

• My partner appreciates the things I do in this marriage.*

  • True

  • False

• My partner generally likes my personality.*

  • True

  • False

• Our sex life is generally satisfying.*

  • True

  • False

Take the quiz online HERE: https://www.gottman.com/blog/fondness-and-admiration-assessment/

THE FOUR HORSEMEN: The Antidotes

All relationships, even the most successful ones, have conflict. It is unavoidable. Fortunately, our research shows that it’s not the appearance of conflict, but rather how it’s managed that predicts the success or failure of a relationship. We say “manage” conflict rather than “resolve,” because relationship conflict is natural and has functional, positive aspects that provide opportunities for growth and understanding.

And there are problems that you just won’t solve due to natural personality differences between you and your partner, but if you can learn to manage those problems in a healthy way, then your relationship will succeed.

The first step in effectively managing conflict is to identify and counteract The Four Horsemen when they arrive in your conflict discussions. If you don’t, you risk serious problems in the future of your relationship. But, like Newton’s Third Law, for every horseman there is an antidote, and you can learn how and when to use them below.

The Antidote to Criticism: Gentle Start-Up

A complaint focuses on a specific behavior, but criticism attacks a person’s very character. The antidote for criticism is to complain without blame by using a soft or gentle start-up. Avoid saying “you,” which can indicate blame, and instead talk about your feelings using “I” statements and express what you need in a positive way.

To put it simply, think of these two things to formulate your soft start-up: What do I feel? What do I need?

Criticism: “You always talk about yourself. Why are you always so selfish?”

Antidote: “I’m feeling left out of our talk tonight and I need to vent. Can we please talk about my day?”

Notice that the antidote starts with “I feel,” leads into “I need,” and then respectfully asks to fulfill that need. There’s no blame or criticism, which prevents the discussion from escalating into an argument.

The Antidote to Contempt: Build a Culture of Appreciation and Respect

Contempt shows up in statements that come from a position of moral superiority. Some examples of contempt include sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. Contempt is destructive and defeating. It is the greatest predictor of divorce, and it must be avoided at all costs.

The antidote to contempt is to build a culture of appreciation and respect in your relationship, and there are a few ways to do that. One of our mottos is Small Things Often: if you regularly express appreciation, gratitude, affection, and respect for your partner, you’ll create a positive perspective in your relationship that acts as a buffer for negative feelings. The more positive you feel, the less likely that you’ll feel or express contempt!

Another way that we explain this is our discovery of the 5:1 “magic ratio” of positive to negative interactions that a relationship must have to succeed. If you have five or more positive interactions for every one negative interaction, then you’re making regular deposits into your emotional bank account, which keeps your relationship in the green.

Contempt: “You forgot to load the dishwasher again? Ugh. You are so incredibly lazy.” (Rolls eyes.)

Antidote: “I understand that you’ve been busy lately, but could you please remember to load the dishwasher when I work late? I’d appreciate it.”

The antidote here works so well because it expresses understanding right off the bat. This partner shows how they know that the lack of cleanliness isn’t out of laziness or malice, and so they do not make a contemptuous statement about their partner or take any position of moral superiority.

Instead, this antidote is a respectful request, and it ends with a statement of appreciation.

The Antidote to Defensiveness: Take Responsibility

Defensiveness is defined as self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood in attempt to ward off a perceived attack. Many people become defensive when they are being criticized, but the problem is that being defensive never helps to solve the problem at hand.

Defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. You’re saying that the problem isn’t me, it’s you. As a result, the problem is not resolved and the conflict escalates further. The antidote is to accept responsibility, even if only for part of the conflict.

Defensiveness: “It’s not my fault that we’re going to be late. It’s your fault since you always get dressed at the last second.”

Antidote: “I don’t like being late, but you’re right. We don’t always have to leave so early. I can be a little more flexible.”

By taking responsibility for part of the conflict (trying to leave too early), even while asserting that they don’t like to be late, this partner prevents the conflict from escalating by admitting their role in the conflict. From here, this couple can work towards a compromise.

The Antidote to Stonewalling: Physiological Self-Soothing

Stonewalling is when someone completely withdraws from a conflict discussion and no longer responds to their partner. It usually happens when you’re feeling flooded or emotionally overwhelmed, so your reaction is to shut down, stop talking, and disengage. And when couples stonewall, they’re under a lot of emotional pressure, which increases heart rates, releases stress hormones into the bloodstream, and can even trigger a fight-or-flight response.

In one of our longitudinal research studies, we interrupted couples after fifteen minutes of an argument and told them we needed to adjust the equipment. We asked them not to talk about their issue, but just to read magazines for half an hour. When they started talking again, their heart rates were significantly lower and their interaction was more positive and productive.

What happened during that half hour? Each partner, without even knowing it, physiologically soothed themselves by reading and avoiding discussion. They calmed down, and once they felt calm, they were able to return to the discussion in a respectful and rational way.

Therefore, the antidote to stonewalling is to practice physiological self-soothing, and the first step of self-soothing is to stop the conflict discussion and call a timeout:

“Look, we’ve been through this over and over again. I’m tired of reminding you—”

“Honey, I’m sorry to interrupt you, but I’m feeling overwhelmed and I need to take a break. Can you give me twenty minutes and then we can talk?”

If you don’t take a break, you’ll find yourself either stonewalling and bottling up your emotions, or you’ll end up exploding at your partner, or both, and neither will get you anywhere good.

So, when you take a break, it should last at least twenty minutes because it will take that long before your body physiologically calms down. It’s crucial that during this time you avoid thoughts of righteous indignation (“I don’t have to take this anymore”) and innocent victimhood (“Why is he always picking on me?”). Spend your time doing something soothing and distracting, like listening to music, reading, or exercising. It doesn’t really matter what you do, as long as it helps you to calm down.

You’ve got the skills. Use them!

Now that you know what the Four Horsemen are and how to counteract them with their proven antidotes, you’ve got the essential tools to manage conflict in a healthy way. As soon as you see criticism or contempt galloping in, remember their antidotes. Be vigilant. The more you can keep the Four Horsemen at bay, the more likely you are to have a stable and happy relationship.