What is the Gottman Method for Couples, Relationships, and Families?

What is the Gottman Approach to therapy and counseling? 

I’ll explain~

I absolutely love the Gottman’s therapeutic approach! There is so much that can be said about this method. If you have never heard about this couple’s approach in therapy, then let me give you a little bit of insight. The Gottman Method aims "to disarm conflicting verbal communication; increase intimacy, respect, and affection; remove barriers that create a feeling of stagnancy, and create a heightened sense of empathy and understanding within the context of the relationship." Interventions used in the Gottman Method are research-based and grounded in the Sound Relationship House theory, which specifies nine elements of a healthy relationship. Imagine a house with seven floors and two weight bearing walls.

Floor 1 - Build Love Maps.

Love maps are important because the whole relationship begins on the firm foundation of truly knowing one another. Each partner knows the ins and outs of their partner. In an ideal relationship, you and your partner know one another better than anyone else.

Floor 2 – Share Fondness and Admiration.

We all love to hear something nice about ourselves, right? This is a need, and it means the most when it comes from your loved one. Vocalizing your admiration for one another and being able to articulate the big and little reasons you love each other is huge!

Floor 3 – Turn Towards.

When you need attention, support, and comfort from your partner, you more than likely say or do something to elicit a response from your partner. This what is referred to as a “bid”. When your partner replies with what you need, this is them turning toward. Turning away from one another, or AGAINST each other is asking for trouble. Turning away disrupts the safe space you both need to express yourselves and needs.

Floor 4 – The Positive Perspective.

Your outlook on life and on your relationship is shaped so much by your perspectives and cognitions. When in a healthy relationship, couples see the best in each other and don’t jump to conclusions filled with judgement and criticism if one partner forgets to pick up their socks or give you a kiss goodbye. Truly believing you both are on the same team strengthens the relationship from inside out.

Floor 5 – Manage Conflict.

Conflict is going to happen! It’s inevitable but knowing what to do when it presents itself is key. You need to accept partner’s influence, communicate about the conflict, and be able to self-soothe.

Floor 6 – Make Life Dreams Come True.

Healthy relationships involve having a partner in life who encourages and helps you reach your goals. Making each other’s life dreams come true shows your partner that you want the best possible life for them and are willing to do what it takes to make that dream happen.

Floor 7 – Create Shared Meaning.

Congratulations, you have reached the top floor. This is where you build and understand an inner world as a COUPLE. The Gottman’s believe that developing your own culture of symbols and rituals is what expresses WHO you are as a TEAM. It continues to deepen your connection together. These are referred to as Rituals of Connection and they define you as a unit. The best part of this is that you create them together.

Weight Bearing Walls – Trust and Commitment. Without trust and commitment, the 7 floors can’t hold together, and it will fall apart.

In a healthy and supportive relationship, the partners are CHOOSING to have faith in one another and to be committed to each other. There is no force, and you are freely loving one another and pledging to help that love grow.

 

Author: Crystin Nichols, MFTI

Book With Me: https://southtampatherapybookappt.as.me/CrystinNicholsMFTI

Resources

1. About The Gottman Method. The Gottman Institute. 2021.

2. What is The Sound Relationship House? The Gottman Institute. 2022.

Couples Therapy: Like you’ve never experienced before…

In a Nutshell, What Is Couples Counseling?

If you're reading this, your relationship is likely struggling right now. You might even be considering divorce.. Let me start by telling you I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time.

If you're like most couples I see, you've probably come across an online article claiming that all of your relationship's difficulties can be traced to communication breakdowns.. If you could effectively communicate with your partner, you would be able to fix things.… 

And that’s true! I have the tools to teach you how.

That's the problem: it is ineffective advice when you're in the middle of a disaster.. Obviously, if you could communicate better, your relationship would be better. But you can’t, so it’s not. 

But there is hope! I will guide you in session and give you evidence based tools to use between sessions, to apply 4 easy steps to communicate to get to the root of the issues.

Whenever you and your partner try to communicate – Even deciding what to have for dinner can be tough, You may as well forget about trying to have an actually meaningful conversation. – it just turns into another fight, nothing gets resolved, and makes everything even worse.

Then it is just brushed under the rug to linger... until the next argument. Ugh... How exhausting! 

And sure, that might be because your partner is trying to pick a fight (not realizing that all attacks are unskilled ways of trying to get a need met). And more than likely, there was an emotional injury at some point in time that went unaddressed – a crack in your friendship that never healed. Over time, you’ve grown more distant and further apart, until you’re constantly feeling resentful, annoyed, frustrated, hurt, disappointed, and down right angry.

Oftentimes, we know something is wrong but can't seem to put our finger on the problem. If this is where you're at, don't worry.

I am here for you both! I want to help you uncover the root of the problem, rekindle your relationship, and equipped you with the right tools for future success. most likely, the issues are learned behaviors. The beauty of working with learned behaviors is that we can learn how to SHOW UP in our relationships with ourselves and our partner in a much healthier and powerful way.

4 Ways Couples Therapy Is Different with Me:

1. I get to the CORE of the issue.

Too often, couples therapists begin couples work without adequately assessing for each person’s background and the couple’s joint history related to the presenting problems. 

This is where the Gottman Assessment really helps me to conceptualize the problem to formulate a game plan from the get-go!

If you only go to therapy and talk about the problems you're having RIGHT NOW, it's like putting a band aid on a wound when the actual problem is internal bleeding. If you want to work through your problems more effectively, we’ll get to the root cause of the issues you’re experiencing based on each of your needs. 

When we work together, I will begin by asking you to tell me more about:

• your individual narratives

• your family dynamics and how you saw your parents argue (or not)

• your communication styles when fighting

• how your relationship started

• the current state of your relationship and how you got here

• what your ideal relationship looks like (among other questions)

I hear it time and time again from clients about how the assessment procedure was beneficial to them, how it helped everything click for them to finally start seeing a difference in their relationship. 

I also understand that talking about your history might make you feel vulnerable and taking this step requires bravery, but I assure you it's worth it..

2. I equip you with the tools and know-how to achieve long-term relationship success..

Oftentimes, clients come to me and say that couples therapy has failed them in the past because it didn't provide concrete tools for long term success and accountability. While addressing particular issues or complaints can be beneficial, without the necessary communication and listening abilities to interact with one another empathically – and listen compassionately - any discussions we have about your challenges will be ineffective.

So, we start working on specific skills. Such as:

• How to initiate a conversation in a softened way

• How to repair or de-escalate heated conversations

• How to emotionally self-regulate when you feel triggered

• How to come into dialogue in a productive way

• How to compromise based on feelings and needs

Couples are surprised at how quickly they’re able to talk with each other in a calm, compassionate, and respectful manner.

Once you and your partner have worked through some tension and built up resentment in an emotionally safe way, you will be able to understand each other on a much deeper level. Trust builds when we learn how to implement compassionate communication (NVC).

“Well,” you may ask, “Isn't it rather simple? Why haven't we been able to solve this on our own"? "Please understand, this isn't your fault".

When you've been stuck in this vicious cycle and these patterns are ingrained, you may tend to keep creating these predictable bad habits of how you deal with conflict. You start to make assumptions about your partner, your armor goes up and you go into self-protection and defensiveness mode. It becomes less and less easy to give each other the benefit of the doubt that is necessary to sustain a long-term compassionate relationship.

My goal is to help you rediscover that grace, that softness. And ultimately, to help you hit the rest button to INTENTIONALLY create the relationship that you desire and rediscover yourselves too.

3. I help you recognize and understand the role comorbidity (anxiety, depression, ADHD, trauma, addiction, etc) may play in your relationship. 

Basically, comorbidity means your brain is wired a little differently.

And honestly, the more I learn about comorbidity, the more I see just how common it is. Yet so often, it is either not acknowledged, or is seen as something that is wrong – something to blame. 

Even if you don’t have comorbidity in your relationship, this approach is still highly applicable. The basis of comorbidity couples counseling is to help each partner understand, accept, and embrace their differences while working together as a team to overcome obstacles together without blame. 

Comorbidity or not, in working with me your way of seeing the world will be acknowledged, not criticized. 

For many couples I see, discovering comorbidity may be a freeing discovery. It allows them to reframe their relationship, and everything begins to make sense. 

With my trainings in both the Gottman Method, Compassionate Communication, and Comorbidity Couples Counseling, I’m able to provide an organized framework for you to work within, while still flexibly tailoring my approach to your specific relationship needs. 

4. We don’t have to stop at the 50 minute mark. I offer add-on time to customize sessions to meet your needs

You can choose to do 90- 150 minute sessions (or more), not just 50-minute sessions. 

If you've been to couples counseling before, then you know the drill. You describe the problem, communicate your feelings, make steps in the right direction… but just when you really start to dig into it, and peel back the layers~ time's up. You have so much left to say. And by next week’s session, you’ve lost your train of thought, and there are new and more pressing issues to address. 

By offering longer sessions, I’m able to devote the time needed for you to see real progress each week.

We're able to take on large-ticket items and actually reach a resolution that you may put into practice immediately.

Suicide Awareness and Assessing Signs of Risk in Loved Ones:

 According to the CDC, suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States. Nearly 46,000 people died by suicide in 2020, which would equate to an average of 1 death every 11 minutes. But suicide can be preventable, and there are resources available to help.

On July 16th of this year, 988 became the nationwide suicide hotline number. All texts or calls made to 988 are directly rooted to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline where you will be supported and helped by trained mental health professionals.

YOU can also help!

Noticing signs of suicide:

If you hear or notice any of the following thoughts or behaviors in someone you know, they may be at risk for suicide.

• Talking about wanting to die

  • “I just can’t take it anymore”

  • “I wish everything could end”

  • “I feel too much guilt or shame to continue on”

  • “I feel like a burden and people would be better off without me”

• Expressing feelings surrounding:

  • Loneliness, feeling isolated and that there is no one to live for

  • Hopelessness, feeling like there is no “light at the end of the tunnel”

  • Trapped, feeling stuck in a difficult situation with no foreseeable way out

  • Sad, depressed, anxious feelings

  • Strong emotional or physical pain

  • Low self-esteem, feeling unworthy of love and connection

• Behaviors:

  • Researching ways to die

  • Making a suicide plan

  • Purchasing lethal weapons (guns, knives, pills, rope)

  • Withdrawing from social circles and saying goodbye to loved ones

  • Giving away important keepsakes

  • Writing a will

  • Dangerous risk-taking behaviors, such as driving reckless

  • Exhibiting extreme mood swings

  • Eating and/or sleeping less

  • Increased substance use (drugs and/or alcohol)

  • Poor self-hygiene

The first step in being a helpful resource to someone who is struggling with suicidal thoughts is knowing and understanding the signs above. If you notice someone who is exhibiting any of these signs, it’s important to talk directly with them about it. It’s also important not to pass judgment or shame on the individual for having these thoughts.

When I work with clients who are struggling with suicidal ideation, I start by normalizing those thoughts and taking some of the weight and judgement away. I explain that it’s natural for our minds to search for escape routes from life’s struggles. For some people, that escape route looks like “I just want to drop everything and move to a remote island where I know no one and have no responsibilities.” For others, it may look like suicidal thoughts. The theme of escaping life’s responsibilities is the same — and we can share empathy about how hard it can be to face overwhelming difficulty, especially when we don’t have enough support. 

Suicidal thoughts can be very isolating for an individual. Letting someone know that you are aware of their struggles and here as a helpful support for them can make all the difference. Know that it can help to talk with the individual openly about their suicidal thoughts, make it known that it’s okay that they are dealing with this, and always share that there are resources to help.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 is available 24/7, 365 days a year.

https://988lifeline.org/

Also, helping that individual find a supportive therapist can help with long-term improvement and maintaining safety plans. Book an appointment for you or a loved one today.

Author: Jamie Rudden, MFTI https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/JamieRuddenMFTI

For more facts on suicide visit:

https://www.cdc.gov/suicide/facts/index.html#:~:text=Suicide%20rates%20increased%2030%25%20between,one%20death%20every%2011%20minutes.&text=The%20number%20of%20people%20who,attempt%20suicide%20is%20even%20higher.

A special thank you to Jamie Rudden for all of the supportive work that you have done with us and prior to your hard work at South Tampa Therapy! It takes a special compassionate and supportive person to BE THERE and STAY ATTUNED.

I appreciate you.

Liz

The Power of Connection in Addiction Recovery

 My message here is to offer what I have learned about the power of connection as a healing force against addiction and shame. I do not intend to invalidate the real suffering of millions living moment to moment amidst the chaos of chemical dependency and behavioral addictions. The experience of the addicted brain, body, or even “spirit” is extremely real. Anecdotal wisdom and tired truisms, when offered flippantly, hurt the suffering. Addiction is not simple, you can breathe. You are safe here. I will not offer you a magic cure.

Ok, so let’s talk about Connection! 

One of the most shame inducing parts of addiction is isolation. Even if you are a part of the minority of sufferers and you’ve rallied the bravery to share your experience it is still common to have thoughts such as…

“No one understands me. People see me as an addict, broken, helpless.”

“I can’t tell X because I would lose my job, my kids, my leadership role!” 

“Even when I am with my partner I feel inexplicably alone”

Brene Brown, popular researcher and public speaker, defines shame as “the fear of disconnection” (Brown B, 2010). People hide in shame because they fear that if they were fully honest or vulnerable it might jeopardize their connection to others. Shame is viewed as a negative emotion in pop psychology but from this perspective, the instinct for shame stems from the pure desire for connection to others. 

If we follow this logic, then certainly we shouldn’t add additional shame on ourselves for experiencing shame. Shame is the fear of disconnection. Shame is not inherently bad, but it hurts. We are sensitive to the pain of shame because it makes us feel isolated and impairs our authenticity.  

If we fear disconnection to the point of letting shame isolate us, we remain unseen and misunderstood even by those whom we have a “connection” with. You might be able to pull off a certain level of inauthentic connection with others, but this leaves you starved of true connection that comes from living in the “shame free zone” where you feel safe to be honest about what you are experiencing in any given moment. This is true connection. Safety, acceptance, and mutual vulnerability. 

But at this point, we face another obstacle. Many have experienced the thing they fear most when stepping into authenticity and vulnerability: Rejection and Disconnection from others. For some, the people they trusted with their honesty weren’t deserving of it. These experiences reinforce the shame-instinct. These experiences break my heart, and they are real, and they hurt. But here’s the good news. Each day, given your unique situation ability and access, you can work towards building connections that are worthy of your trust. You can have corrective connections. Your brain is made to regenerate its physical matter and to rewire toxic neurological pathways. Your heart can be healed through the power of pure love and connection. It is possible to live a meaningful life of connection that does not require you to escape from. 

Once again, it is not this simple. Addictions are complex and multifaceted, but research has shown that authentic and safe connection is one of the most powerful forces in overcoming addiction. This is one reason why therapy is effective in treating addiction, it might not just be the cognitive tools and intellectual processing that heals addiction. It might just be the power of a loving and safe connection.

In closing, I will share with you the results of a study published by a Canadian psychologist Bruce Alexander (Hayes, 2020). In this study, the scientists observed rats in empty cages with two bottles. One bottle was filled with water and one bottle was filled with heroin laced water. Each rat observed, was isolated in the cage with the two bottles. Over time, each isolated rat became addicted to the heroin water and eventually all of them overdosed and died. Sad, I know. 

Bruce Alexander was bothered by the size of the cage and began to consider “maybe it was the lack of stimulation and other pleasures that reinforced the rats to get high. What else did they have to do?” This is when the team created what is now referred to as “Rat Park.” This cage was over twenty times the size of the first cage and included all sorts of fun and stimulating objects and activities for the rats to enjoy. This cage was full of delicious foods, and over 20 rats of different genders were placed there. The same two water bottles were placed in “Rat Park,” one with pure water and one with heroin laced water. Guess what? All twenty of the rats ignored the heroin water and simply lived in their natural bliss of connection, play, nourishment, and mating. 

The outcomes of this study reinforce my deep conviction that authentic connection is the opposite of addiction. Is it possible that the success rates of therapy and even twelve step programs have less to do with “rigorous morality” or professional expertise as much as they have to do with connection? 

Honest, Authentic, Safe, Shame-Free, Fearless, and Vulnerable Connection. This is my hope for the suffering and alone. To experience “Rat Park” in real life and experience the transformative power of connection. 

Author: Shaundra Mcguire, MFTI

Book an appointment with Shaundra online here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ShaundraMcguireMFTI

References

Dr. Brené Brown on “The Power of Vulnerability” – Whitney Johnson. (2010). Whitney Johnson’s Distuption Advisors. https://whitneyjohnson.com/brene-brown-vulnerability/

Hayes, T. (2020, November 13). The opposite of addiction is . . .. Integrated Addiction Care. https://www.integratedaddictioncare.com/2020/11/12/the-opposite-of-addiction-is/

Practice Empathy in Three Ways: Cognitively, Emotionally, and Somatically

You must first take off your own shoes to put yourself in someone else's shoes.

We stretch our hearts and minds beyond our own experiences, viewpoints, and feelings in order to imagine what it's like to be inside someone else's head. We employ imagination, creativity, and instinct to envision what life is like for them.

Listening with empathy is a fundamental component of coming from curiosity and care, as well as the foundation of discussion. Here are three strategies to start practicing incorporating more empathy into your daily life that integrate living purposefully and empathetically.

PRACTICE: Empathy

It's important to remember that practicing this doesn't have to be limited to situations in which you are the center of attention. Its easier to feel for others when you aren't being attacked. Remember that empathy isn't something you put into words; it's a quality of presence in your heart. Aim to comprehend the other person's situation and let the conversation unfold organically.

SILENT EMPATHIC PRESENCE: Practice listening completely, with the heartfelt intention to understand and "feel into" what the other person is saying. How is this issue for them?

PARAPHRASE: After listening, summarize the gist of what you've heard. What are the key features of what they've said? It's also possible that repeating just a few words will be enough.

EMPATHIC REFLECTION: After listening, check that you understand by reflecting what you hear is most important to them. This may include how they feel and/or what they need. What's at the heart of this individual's narrative? What can you do to assist them to feel understood? Remember to phrase your reflections as questions and double-check that you're correct.

There are other methods for conveying compassion. We may convey empathy by giving a kind word, with a loving touch, or by describing how we're feeling in response to what we've heard. By expressing interest with open-ended questions like "Tell me more," "What else?"

As an example, my daughter's friend a freshman who is usually cheerful and bubbly, began showing up early to practice. I struck up a conversation and realized how much she was struggling. This friend was saying, "I don't want to go to this school anymore," and was thinking about dropping out. I noticed the impulse to go into problem-solving mode, an old habit of mine. Having just finished another book on empathy, I paused and decided to try listening instead. "Tell me more. What's going on?"

She began to open up. She was being bullied. She felt sad, alone, and depressed. Every time I noticed the urge to fix or solve, I attended to feeling the weight of my body and my feet on the floor, and resisted the temptation to offer solutions. I focused my attention on what she was feeling and reflected what I was hearing. She began to cry, oscillating between speaking, sobbing, and awkwardly making eye contact as if to check whether all of this was okay. There were a lot of tears, tissues, and long moments in which I simply held her gaze.

She spoke more about her feelings of sadness, loneliness, and not feeling valued. "I've felt like this since first grade," she mentioned. "Was that the first time you felt so sad and alone?" I inquired. No, it started when she was three, when her dad left. They looked at each other, realizing they'd hit the root of her pain. Eventually they explored what she might need at school. They came up with some strategies to address the bullying. She decided to stay in school and to make a public art piece for the classroom about depression.

This is the power of which empathy may help us. With a listening spirit, we can absorb each statement made, each emotion felt. Healing and change are possible if we come from a place of curiosity and care rather than our usual mode of behavior.

PRINCIPLES

People are more likely to be willing to listen when they feel heard. To build understanding, reflect before you respond.

KEY POINTS

The desire to comprehend is frequently expressed through listening, which entails putting away our own ideas, emotions, opinions, and views temporarily.

We can listen in many ways:

• With complete, wholehearted presence

• To the content of what someone says

• To the feelings and needs beneath the content

Staying connected in conversation helps us build understanding and

collaborate:

DON'T LET THE CALL DROP: Seek to establish and maintain connection in conversation.

REFLECT BEFORE YOU RESPOND: Confirm that you're hearing each other accurately before moving on. This "completes a cycle' of communication.

At the heart of listening is empathy, which includes:

• Cognitive empathy: seeing things from another's perspective

• Affective empathy: feeling another's emotions

• Somatic empathy: sensing another's embodied experience

Q & A

Q: What if someone wants advice? Is that ever okay?

Of course. When someone asks for advice, you might try offering empathy

first. I'll often say, I'm happy to share some of my ideas, but first I just want

to take in what you've said. I'll follow that with an empathic reflection of

what I'm hearing and check if I've understood. This can help the other

person process their experience and clarify what matters. I then circle back

to inquire if they still want advice; sometimes it's no longer relevant.

If the tables are turned and you want to give someone advice, check

first. Let them know: "I have an idea that I think might be helpful. Are you

open to some advice?" This honors their autonomy, minimizes the chances

that your input will be disempowering, and guards against giving advice

as a way of soothing your own anxiety.

Q: I've been exploring these empathy tools with close friends and family

and my new approach creates a lot of awkwardness. What do you do

when others expect you to communicate in a certain way?

It can be confusing when our attempts to create more connection backfire.

Part of what you are experiencing is the relational dimension of communication habits. They occur in a dynamic, so when we shift it affects others.

It also may simply be the learning curve; it takes time to find an authentic

voice with these tools.

Let go of the form and focus on your genuine intention to connect.

What would help this person to feel heard? If someone is used to us

showing care by asking questions or agreeing and we respond by reflecting

their needs, that may throw them off. Try to tune in to what they want.

When all else fails, let people know that you're trying something new that

you hope will bring you closer. Ask them to humor you while you learn.

Betrayal and Relational Trauma: How We Get Stuck in Trauma Bonds

There is hope!

If you are feeling stuck in trauma bonds, it's important to understand that there is hope. You can heal from this experience and even come out stronger on the other side. But it will require time, patience, and a willingness to do the work.

A tsunami of strong feelings might follow the discovery of your spouse's infidelity. After the initial shock and perplexity, most betrayed spouses battle for some time to regain control over their tumultuous feelings driven by intrusive thoughts and reminders. Infidelity, according to Patrick Carnes, a pioneer in the treatment of sexual addiction, can be as traumatic as sexual assault

It's critical to understand how and why the event changes our brain and behavior while recovering from infidelity. Staying curious while discussing what betrayal trauma looks like for both partners, as well as how this shared suffering might lead to harmful patterns in their interactions with one another- these patterns sometimes known as trauma bonds.

What Does Trauma Look Like?

The symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) are similar to those caused by betrayal. Trauma causes intrusive thoughts, avoidance, and hyperarousal in individuals with PTSD.

Intrusive thoughts are persistent, unwanted reminders of the traumatic experience, such as flashbacks (reliving the terrible event as if it were happening again) or nightmares about it.

Avoidance can take on a variety of forms, including trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic experience, as well as avoiding places, activities, or people that may remind you of it.

Hyperarousal is characterized by a feeling of distress and anxiety, which can extend to other areas such as difficulty sleeping, being easily startled, sluggish brain function, trouble focusing, and irritability.

Symptoms are frequently changing and varied from person to person. These same symptoms, when combined with detrimental changes in thinking and mood, can result in:

• Negative thoughts about yourself and others.

• Feel hopeless and powerless when the future appears bleak.

• Forgetfulness.

• Detachment from career, family, and friends.

• Lack of interest in activities you once enjoyed.

• It's difficult to experience pleasant feelings..

• Feeling emotionally flat and numb.

So, What Are the Causes of These Changes?

Betrayal trauma can alter your physiology due to the neurobiological changes that are taking place in your limbic system. Your body enters a fight, flight, or freeze (and sometimes fawn or collapse) reaction as a result of these adjustments.

When our amygdala senses danger, the hypothalamus activates the sympathetic nervous system, which causes epinephrine, also known as adrenaline, to be released. Adrenaline makes our heart beat faster and our lungs breathe more effectively on a good workout or training day. When we're stressed, our body releases hormones such as adrenaline, which help us stay safe and alert. It increases blood flow to the brain and muscles, making our mind more attentive to the situation and boosting blood sugar levels for vitality. When we are emotionally or physically scared, this surge of adrenaline is meant to keep us safe and alive.

When the danger level rises to a certain point, the hippocampus instructs the adrenal glands to produce cortisol. The hippocampus is essential for thinking, learning, memory, and behavioral management. Our brain needs to focus on problem solving during extreme stress, such as betrayal and relational trauma. Because you're overwhelmed with stress, your hippocampus isn't functioning well. The end result is conflict or flight from the stress/threat rather than problem solving in order to resolve it.

All of the same things that I previously stated are going on in a freeze response, with one exception: our subconscious has deemed this stress to be too hazardous. The sympathetic nervous system is no longer solely in command. The dorsal vagus nerve is activated on the back side, and it drags us into a condition of self-protection. When we are in risk of physical or emotional harm, whether real or imagined, we may shut down. We may appear calm but, inside, we are emotionally numb and frozen.

Finally, collapse response is comparable to that of freeze; it's a condition of hypo excitation. The dorsal vagus nerve screams, "This is too much!" and goes quiet. We are no longer seeking for methods to survive (fight or flight) but rather for a way to fall apart physically and emotionally. We may be unable to speak or feel removed or disconnected from our bodies. Our blood pressure, temperature, and heart rate drop dramatically. We might even faint or become unconscious in severe situations.

The fluctuating cycles of cortisol levels are detrimental to your immune system and general health. Even after an affair's initial discovery or disclosure, your brain can be bombarded with reminders that flood it with adrenaline and cortisol. This is one of the reasons why it's so difficult for your brain to accept and process this traumatic event, and subsequently let down its guard. The symptoms of PTSD are caused by this higher level of anxiety and isolation.What Do We Do About It?

You may not be interested in the neuroscience aspect, but you can still be interested in when your brain is offline or online. The Hypo-aroused and Hyper-aroused brains are both "offline." We can reclaim our center by practicing observing what goes on inside us while we're "offline". What do we think about and how are we physiologically feeling, such as our heart rate and breath? Are we hot or cold, sweaty or clammy? Do we feel numbness or strong emotions? Meditation, exercise, yoga, and journaling can help us stay centered.

What is Trauma Bonding?

Every relationship reacts to trauma differently. Both partners are frequently on the fight, flight, fawn or freeze continuum, but they're rarely in the same place at the same time, contributing to the negative cycle that couples dealing with infidelity's trauma find themselves in.

After being a therapist for 20 years, I have seen distorted and adaptive bonds form between partners. Some people call these "trauma bonds". It is crucial to understand your trauma as well as your spouse's, and have a working understanding of what is going on in both of your brains.

Here are a few examples of traumatic bond cycles that aren't helpful:

• For more than 6-9 months after discovery, the victim is fixated on the event, what occurred, and why...

• Between wanting a divorce and wanting to work things out, there's an endless debate.

• You and your spouse are continuing to have abusive debates.

• Keeping your relationship a secret from others who might criticize you for attempting to work it out.

• Breaking commitments to yourself or each other and expecting things to get better.

• Feelings of closeness one minute, followed by painful memories and outbursts the next are typical..

It may be useful to take a step back and examine the cycle of events in which you two escalate when you talk about specifics and reminders. Consider whether the way we are discussing the facts of the affair is pushing us closer to forgiveness or making matters worse. Still, you both need to be curious about this cycle that you are co-creating as you work to reconcile. As a reminder, you are both responsible for the co-creation of a new relationship starting today.

If you find that you and your spouse are in an unhelpful cycle, please don't beat yourself up for it; notice it without any shame and be curious about how you can begin to work through the trauma of infidelity more productively.

I'll be sharing more about this topic in future Free Resources, so stay tuned. In the meantime, if you're looking for more resources on this topic, I recommend reading Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass (the best book that I have found to help couples recover and heal from infidelity and relational trauma) and The Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes.

If you are struggling with infidelity in your relationship, please reach out for help. This is not something that you have to go through alone. I offer individual and couples counseling services and have experience helping people heal from betrayal trauma. You can text me here to set up a consultation. 813-240-3237 or book online:

www.SouthTampaCounselor.com/BookAppointment

I hope this has been helpful. Please feel free to reach out. Until next time!

Empowering Couples to Communicate Compassionately~ Using Non-Violent Communication (NVC)

The process of non-violent communication (NVC) was developed by Marshall B. Rosenberg and encourages us to connect with others in a more heartfelt and empathetic manner. NVC emphasizes the significance of language in our day-to-day encounters, calling for conscious responses, instead of reactions, based on perceptions, feelings, needs, and visions for what we DO want to see happen.

The Four Components of NVC

There are four basic components to NVC that include observations, feelings, needs, and requests. What actions are we seeing around us that have an impact on our well-being? How do we feel based on what we've seen or heard? What need, desire, or value sparked those feelings? All negative feelings are unmet needs. Finally, how may we make positive requests of others that will improve our lives? These elements all work together to create NVC's foundation.

Our Language Shapes Our Thinking

Sometimes our thoughts sabotage our needs. It is helpful to gather more data and not just react from our triggers or automatic thoughts. Our thoughts produce the way we feel. Negative thoughts point to an unmet need. If I don't know what I need and react from the story that I tell myself, a lot of bad habits can form from this bad habit. Instead, I can gather more data, not just from thoughts but I want to drop down and gather more data from my feelings, where my feelings live somatically in my body, and what needs I have. When I discover my needs, I am in a powerful position to get my needs met. If I do not know what I need in real time, I may react and sabotage my needs which disconnects us from ourselves and other people in our lives.

All attacks are unskilled ways of trying to get a need met. Attacks create disconnect and defensiveness. Using NVC helps us accept influence and stay connected even through some of the most difficult conversations.

NVC not only challenges us to change the way we talk to one another, it also challenges us to change the way we think and perceive the world around us. In other words, NVC is not just a process of communication where words are simply exchanged. We must reframe our thinking so that we are able to genuinely express ourselves and be empathetic to what others are observing, feeling, needing, and requesting. NVC is truly an amazing process that empowers us to connect with one another in a compassionate way.

How to Calm The Jackal and Put on Your Giraffe Ears

Marshall Rosenberg conceptualized our tendency toward aggression and dominance as a jackal, while our more compassionate side he imagined as a giraffe (since giraffes have the largest hearts of all land mammals). When we listen with Jackal ears, we hear complaints as criticisms and requests as demands. When faced with a demand, collaboration isn’t possible. You either submit or you rebel which disconnects us and neither feels good, nor works well in a long-term relationship.

Conversely, when we put on our Giraffe ears, we listen with more empathy and compassion. We are more likely to hear the feelings and the needs behind what someone is saying. We’re more likely to see those needs as being understandable and reasonable, and not in competition with our own needs. When we understand and empathize, compromise and collaboration become feasible.

Nonviolent Communication in Couples Therapy

With couples, NVC bridges the gap in understanding between each partner and helps counter the judgmental negative stories that may build up about the other person:

“They’re lazy.”

“They’re not putting in as much work as I am.”

“They don’t love and care about my feelings.”

These interpretations or evaluations discourage us from being vulnerable and trusting the other person, and they prevent us from making needed changes. When we choose to replace those judgmental stories with greater understanding, more connection is possible.

NVC may challenge our preconceived notions about others and the world, which can help us to appreciate one another and live more freely. When the guy who is cutting me off in traffic stops being a jerk and becomes a person going through something terrible in their own life, I am able to let go of my anger. When I recognize that my difficulties in keeping my home clean aren't "laziness" but rather a battle for motivation or a desire for "rest and recuperation," the self-compassion I gain not only lessens my suffering, but it also increases the likelihood that I will be able to satisfy that need AND keep my house clean.

Whether you’re looking for Couples Therapy or Individual Counseling, Nonviolent Communication (NVC) can help you create the life you want to live together as a team.

The 4 Trauma Responses: Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn: Examining The Four Trauma Reactions

According to a research on the neurobiological consequences of psychological trauma, our bodies are designed to respond to perceived threats with a set of near-instantaneous, reflexive survival behaviors. Chemicals are introduced into our circulation via a short-term technique in order to rouse the body's defensive measures through the sympathetic nervous system. However, when our stress responses are continually activated, there isn't enough time to break down the chemicals, and our nervous system becomes overloaded and dysregulated—placing us firmly in the survival mode. The short-term protections become permanent as our body undergoes sympathetic nervous system dominance.

These post-trauma responses, on the other hand, aren't limited to those who've experienced significant "Trauma" events (such as war, death, or disaster) frequently associated with profound trauma. The fact is that trauma exists along a continuum of stress. Because trauma is subjective and personal, minor "T" incidents may be just as traumatic as big "T" events. Trauma, for example, might include a terrible breakup, a betrayal of trust, a work environment that is chronically abusive, or anything else that is mildly frightening over time. They may not seem serious at the time, but the long-term effects of trauma can still have a significant influence on you physically, spiritually, and mentally when they are not emotionally processed and integrated—somatically, intellectually. If a problem is left unresolved, past trauma may turn into trapped, frozen energy that your body will respond to physiologically in the form of a trauma response.

Fight, flight, freeze, fawn: the four types of trauma response.

Healthy stress responses aren't inherently negative; they can help you stand up for yourself in the short term. However, while trauma is a major cause of internal upheaval, it may be taken to an unhealthy and wearing extent. 

The fight response

When functioning properly, the fight response enables for assertion and solid boundaries. It's an active self-preservation function when it's used as a trauma response, in which you move reactively toward conflict with anger and aggression. It's a fear state in which you confront the danger of being assaulted or otherwise harmed so that you can defend yourself. A fight trauma response is when we believe that if we are able to maintain power over the threat, we will gain control. This can look like physical fights, yelling, physical aggression, throwing things, and property damage. It's possible to experience a tightening in the throat, along with other symptoms such as balling your hands into fists, stomach knots, tears, contentiousness, or a firm jaw.

Take a few moments to take a look at yourself and determine how you're currently positioned. It may feel wonderful to use your body to get mobility in the situation while having your insides mirror your outsides, but it comes at the cost of connection and others feeling safe around you.

You may use deep breathing, warm baths, routines, mindfulness, and self-love to help you let go of this. The fight response prepares you to be physical, so you can also utilize exercise to help the body return to normal. It activates your parasympathetic system by practicing mindfulness and a burst of constructive activity like yoga or stretching. It relieves anxiety and allows you to reconnect more deeply by releasing tension.

The flight response

The flight response is triggered when a person feels threatened or exposed. Avoidant behavior occurs as a result of the flight response. You can be discriminating in high-stress situations and disengage within limits if you're healthy. However, as a trauma reaction, you go one step farther by shutting yourself off entirely.

When we feel that if we can get away from the danger and avoid conflict, we will be okay, this is known as the flight response. This might look like fleeing and avoiding social interactions. To escape unpleasant emotions, you may stay occupied or flee for the door whenever things become difficult.

Do things that produce an immediate, physical response from your body to drop back into yourself. Pay attention to any tense muscles and relax them to relax the mind. Use bodywork and purposeful movements to stop the stress response so you can reflect on how you want to react rather than reacting spontaneously. 

Coping techniques that are tactile (such as drinking a warm beverage or eating crunchy food) and grounded, such as snuggling with a pet or doing some yoga, can all help. It's critical to make connections with those around you in order to release feel-good, happier chemicals like endorphins and serotonin.

The freeze response.

When healthy, the freeze response may assist you in slowing down and evaluating the situation carefully in order to figure out what to do next. When this protection is activated, it frequently leads to "freezing"—feeling frozen and unable to move or getting trapped in a fog or oblivious to reality. You don't feel like you're really there, and you're mentally checked out as you leave out what's going on around you and what you're feeling in an attempt to obtain emotional security.

When parts of your sympathetic nervous system have reached a state of overload, they may shut down your brain. I compared this reaction to that of our animal friends playing dead in the presence of a predator. When we freeze, it's as though we're at a loss for words; we withdraw into our minds; it's difficult for us to break out and be present; we sleep; we dissociate/spacing out; and we become emotionally or physically numb.

It's the same as temporary paralysis and disconnecting from your body to avoid additional stress.

To counteract that loss of connection with yourself, do grounding exercises if you catch yourself starting to dissociate. My personal therapist taught me this one. I call it "See Red." Look around your immediate surroundings for a red thing. For me right now, my husband's red sweatshirt flashes by. Then I'll look at it and take a deep, slow breath before scanning the area for another red item. I do this five times in a row. This may help us return to our current reality rather than the one we create when we're under stress due on traumatic reaction that takes us out of the present moment.

The fawn response. 

At its most fundamental, fawning is all about pleasing others and engaging in pacifying behaviors. It's characterized by putting people first above all else by doing whatever they want to avoid conflict and gain their approval. It appears to be beneficial to be well liked and defer to others in order to secure safety, but not when it comes at the price of losing yourself. It may eventually lead you to abandon yourself and your needs by merging so completely with others. Most likely, you don't feel understood by others or feel overshadowed by the individuals in your life.

Fawn response is people-pleasing to the point of forgetting oneself entirely; thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations. When someone tells me what I want to hear and I inquire how they're doing, they respond, 'I'm OK,' or 'I'm all right; so-and-so did this to me and I felt terrible.' I'll get a quick answer about how they're doing followed by a longer one about how someone else in their life is doing.If you're noticing that you're fawning often, be extra compassionate with yourself as you begin to separate what feelings belong to you and what belongs to other people. Observe yourself when you're around others to add in buffering time to help prevent resorting to fawning. The first step is awareness and learning how to start putting up boundaries to take up space.

Through my own experience, I've learned that focusing on it when I'm doing it is difficult, and calling attention to it may be uncomfortable. Recognize that your body and mind did their utmost to keep you safe but that you have the ability and worthiness to return to a secure state of mind.

Is it possible to have more than one trauma response?

Because trauma responses don't always neatly fall into a category, you may not overuse the same methods when confronted with fear. It's more likely that you'll primarily identify with one or two of the 4 Fs, but you'll still change between them depending on the context-specific environment in which you find yourself. Responses combine to form hybrids such as fight/fawn and flight/freeze for individuals who have experienced severe trauma.

Another element that influences our responses is the reality or perceived consequences of our behaviors. One stimulus for trauma might cause you to flee, while another may encourage you to fight—an example of this is an age-old battle with a loved one where you both want to hang up the phone and scream. Or if you're fawning, you just want to tell them they're right so they'll stop nagging at you.

The conclusion.

Know you aren't alone if you identify with one of the four trauma responses. Social support and journaling as self-soothing methods to figure out how to handle difficult circumstances and recover.

It's good to notice and speak about your trauma reaction with someone who cares for you, and who won't judge or provide unsolicited advice. Identifying our present behaviors as well as knowing we can make adjustments as needed is the first step toward better health.

In tandem, embodied healing is crucial to processing and feeling safe in your body. Managing your mental and physical health can help you find a new direction in order to cultivate responsive behaviors that are good for your health. Yoga as a method of relaxing the survival brain and meeting with a trauma-informed therapist at South Tampa Therapy will help in your healing journey.

Keep in mind that you're only human. You've been doing all that is necessary to keep thriving. It will take some time to unlearn some of these habits, which is fine. It is all in time... compassion, acceptance and patience in this process takes practice one day at a time.

Couples Counseling South Tampa: Couples Reveal What They Have Learned In Therapy

As a marriage and family therapist in Tampa, Florida, I have received feedback from several different clients. I combine some of the most powerful approaches utilizing Internal Family Systems, Compassionate Communication and Non-Violent Communication, The Gottman Method, Emotion Focused Therapy, Holistic Psychology, CBT, and DBT.

Here are the 10 best lessons couples learned from therapy.

1. Go to therapy sooner rather than later.

   It is best to go to a counselor before sh*t hits the fan. This way, you can start to develop conflict resolution and communication skills before resentment builds. Establishing a therapeutic relationship with a counselor early on can be beneficial when and if you find yourselves in a rut. Having an unbiased and supportive counselor can help you and your partner maintain a healthy relationship when and if you need support along your relationship journey.

2. You are on the same team.

   There is no winning and you don’t need to fight against each other. Therapy is a great tool and safe space to really work through things together. Meeting both of our needs, growing, and thriving together is the goal. We often ask ourselves, are you trying to listen to understand or are you trying to be right?

3. Play and have fun together.

   Unstructured quality time to just be living purely in the moment increases connection, creativity, and releases negativity. A couple that plays together stays together!

4. Unfinished business of childhood can show up in adulthood.

   Continuing to work on intrinsic positive change is a lifelong learning process. Insight and empathy can help partners understand conflict in a whole new light. When we create an awareness of patterns and habits we are able to create awareness regarding intentional choices in real time. If we are not aware, we keep reacting. Responding intentionally knowing what is happening is being awake to our inner experiences. Self-witnessing is a tremendous tool that can be used in so many facets of our lives. Practicing compassion for our partner's story, and becoming more empathetic to each other, we could actually help our partner heal from their painful childhood experiences.

5. It is not about changing the issue, it is about understanding.

   We have learned so much about communication and the ways to really listen to understand one another. Most people listen to try to change the other person’s perspective. When we get into trying to change the other person, defensiveness comes into the game. When defensiveness shows up, it creates disconnect. Communication either connects us and helps us get needs met or it disconnects us and sabotages our needs. We feel all sorts of negative feelings when our needs are not being met. However, we are in homeostasis when our needs are met and feel positive emotions. Our feelings are always signals to pay attention to which provide data about whether our needs are being met or not. When we know what we need, we are in a powerful position to get the needs met intentionally. When we do not know what we need, we will probably be in autopilot, reactionary-mode. Tune into your inner worlds so that you can understand yourself. When we understand, we can communicate honestly about what is happening internally.

6. Our thoughts are the root cause of anger.

   Anger masks more vulnerable feelings like hurt, disappointment, and sadness. It's helpful when both partners understand that the words or behavior hurts their partner, even when their partner tends to react with anger or stonewalling. Therapy can help couples connect — which includes learning how to get calmer and go slower rather than to lay out their arguments about who's "right".

7. Hear your partner out before letting emotions get in the way.

   Getting guidance from a therapist around how to listen to each other without being emotionally charged about the topic can help couples stay engaged in the conversation, to accept influence from one another, and compromise based on needs. This is huge! We can stay curious about what is actually happening in the moment. When our partners feel heard and understood, they are in a better position to hear us too. Listen to each other without reacting! This sounds so simple but bad habits can be hard to break and its beneficial to have a therapist as a sounding board to make neutral observations.

8. Conflict is normal, you will have different perspectives at times, and disagreements are inevitable in every relationship.

   There will be different stages throughout life and couples will never stop getting to know one another. The most important thing is that you listen, respect, and acknowledge each other's viewpoints. Many times, people listen to respond and not to understand — which is one of the biggest reasons why many relationships fail. Attending couples therapy, can help partners communicate feelings, emotions, and concerns more effectively. Counseling equips couples with valuable skills that will be instrumental throughout their lifetime and once they become parents.

9. Marriage therapy taught us how to communicate about our needs and desires without hurting the other person.

   When we are emotionally and intimately disconnected, it is challenging to help each other to feel heard and understood. The way we deal with conflict is directly correlated to intimacy. Change the way we fight, change the way we love. When we trust each other more and give each other the benefit of the doubt, we're less hurt when the other person isn't in the same place as us in the moment, We may still have issues and hurt feelings from time to time, but we're better equipped to handle those problems when they come up.

10. Psycho-education and therapy helped couples identify patterns.

    One partner was pretty direct and the other partner tended to be more thoughtful in the way he delivered information. One partner said the thing that stuck with her the most was that the therapist was able to reframe and articulate her partner's concerns in a way that he couldn't — which then helped her to understand him better. Therapy can help couples become aware of how reactions to difficult situations can be unhelpful. Attempting to respond in a way that is more productive for the relationship can feel very different. Psycho-education can be of tremendous value when co-morbidity plays a role in relationships. Trauma informed therapy can help partners empathize, respond to each others needs, and heal together. It is advantageous to the relationship when partners learn about mental health together.

To learn more about how therapy can help you, please text or call Dr. Mahaney directly 813-240-3237 or book an initial consultation: www.SouthTampaCounselor.com/BookAppointment

Four Components of NVC

Four Components of NVC

The four components of Nonviolent Communication are the tools that help us communicate more effectively. Once you are familiar with these tools and how to use them, you will be in a position to shift your communication dramatically.

We will start by looking at each one of the components separately.

Observation

The first component of Nonviolent Communication is observation. Observations are simply the facts of a situation. What you heard someone say or what you saw someone do, without adding any evaluations or judgments. For instance, if someone said, "I like the red dress better," the observation is, "You said that you liked the red dress better" because the speaker is simply repeating back what the other person said. An observation that is mixed with evaluations or judgments might be "You said that you don't like me in the blue dress" because the speaker is interpreting what the other person meant by the statement. Do you notice the difference?

This distinction is important because most of us would argue with someone who repeated the second sentence. The argument would be about our interpretation of what the other person meant by their statement, or the other person defending their statement, rather than what is really important- gaining clarity about their intention or being heard about our hurt feelings that were stimulated by the statement.

Another form of observation is when we state the facts of what we saw or experienced, such as "You came home at 5:30," where the speaker simply states the actual event. An evaluation would be "You were late again. You're always late." How do you think you would respond to this? Most of us would defend ourselves by arguing about our lateness this time or we might reflect on all the times we were on time starting with February 2, 1972. Can you relate?

The observation, then, helps us stay focused on what was actually said or done and it helps us avoid needless arguments that serve to cover up the primary issue.

Feeling

The second component of Nonviolent Communication is feelings. We state how we feel about the situation directly after we have clarified the observation. This may seem like an unimportant step because many people think that their feelings should be obvious to the other person.

Unfortunately, what we are feeling isn't always obvious. Fear and excitement have the exact same physiological effects on our bodies and hurt and anger often look the same: heavier breathing, red face, elevated voice and tone, and increased pace in speech. Why take the chance that the other person will understand how we feel about the situation when we can tell them? Expressing how something affects us improves our opportunities for connection, understanding and ultimately resolution.

The following is a partial list of feelings:

happy, sad, joyful, scared, angry, ticked off, ecstatic, absorbed, involved, comfortable, cozy, calm, contented, peaceful, affectionate, loving, energetic, enthusiastic. Here's a more complete list of feelings.

Sometimes we confuse our feelings with our judgments about other people. This comes out when we say things like, "I feel like you're manipulating me." Or, "I feel that you don't care." Both these statements are emotionally charged and sound like feelings, yet no emotion is actually expressed. Instead, the speaker is saying what he thinks the other person is doing- manipulating or that she doesn't care.

Because these statements are emotionally charged, they will likely ignite the conversation. Often the argument will not move beyond this point because one person is arguing that the other is manipulative and the other person is arguing that she isn't manipulative. The argument becomes a verbal tug of war that rarely leads to peaceful resolution. In the end one of you is dragged through the mud leaving both people feeling like losers. One way to avoid these exceedingly frustrating moments is to clearly state your feelings, rather than your judgments about the other person, such as "I feel angry", or, "I feel hurt."

Here are a few additional examples of statements that sound like feelings, but are really thoughts about the other person:

I feel like you are ignoring me.

I feel you are spending too much time at work. I feel disrespected.

I feel judged.

Notice that many of these statements start out either, "I feel like?", or "I feel you." Whenever you catch yourself starting a sentence in this way, be aware that you are probably about to state a thought instead of a feeling!

Being clear about our feelings can help us and the other people in our life gain clarity.

Need

The third component of Nonviolent Communication is needs. Needs are anything that a person needs to sustain life no matter their race, religious preference, financial status, location or culture. Needs then are the basic things all people need to support life. The following are a few examples of needs:

love, food, shelter, caring, collaboration, support, appreciation, to be heard, comfort

Here's a more complete list of needs.

Another important distinction about needs is that everything someone does or says is an attempt to meet their needs. Therefore, it is an attempt to sustain life in some way.

For example, say that your teenage son mowed the lawn as you asked but didn't complete the project as well as you would have liked. Can you imagine what need or needs motivated his behavior? Could he have been trying to meet his need for autonomy, fun, relief, or ease?

Can you imagine the underlying needs that drive a parent to respond to his son by saying, "How is it that you can never finish a job?!?" Is it possible he has a need for completion, trust (that his son will complete a project without more intervention), order or maybe beauty (wanting the yard to look a certain way).

The son and parent both choose specific methods to meet their needs. Neither of them are bad people, they are simply employing the methods they have learned to meet their needs.

The tragic thing is that many times we try to get our needs met by using methods that will guarantee our failure! The parent and son both illustrate how this can happen. For instance, is it likely that the son's needs for ease, autonomy, fun, or relief will be met if he doesn't finish the lawn as agreed upon and then has to deal with his parent's disappointment later on? He may meet some of these needs in the moment but none of them long-term. His behavior, then, actually prevents him from meeting his underlying needs.

Similarly, the parent isn't likely to meet his needs for order, beauty, trust or completion if he says, "How is it that you can never finish a job?!?"

When we understand that our behaviors are an attempt to meet our needs, we can become more skilled at choosing behaviors that will help us succeed at this. The result is more ease, fun, depth, and joy in our relationships and in our lives.

Request

The fourth component of Nonviolent Communication is making a request. Where the need is general (everyone has the same needs), the request is specific. It is the strategy we would like to use to help us meet our unmet needs.

For instance, say that you said to someone:

1st Component - Observation: "When I see you kick the dog

2nd Component - Feelings: I feel worried and scared

3rd Component - Needs: because I value respect for all beings."

The 4th component clarifies what you would like the other person to do to meet your need for respect for all beings. Do you have an idea of what you might like to ask? How about this:

4th Component - Request: "Would you be willing to sit with the dog for a minute to make sure she's okay?"

Once we have clarified our unmet need, there are literally countless ways to meet that need. The request, then, becomes the way that seems to fit best with us. In this case some additional requests could have been: Would you please tell me why you kicked the dog? Would you go outside and play catch with the dog for a half-hour? Would you please take a few minutes to write down five other ways that you could release your tension that would also meet my need for respecting all beings?

The request is the specific action you'd like done to help you meet your need. There are two kinds of request a person could make. They are:

1. Action Request- where you ask someone to do a specific task, such as pet the dog, go to the store and buy milk, call the babysitter, or write a 10-page report.

2. Connection Request- where you ask someone to do something that will help you connect with them or that will help them connect to you. This usually comes up when one person wants to be heard or understood, or when someone wants to know how another person feels about what he said.

Effective requests have a few basic parts to them:

They are specific - If you want your teenage son to mow the lawn before 7:00 p.m., be specific. Don't ask him to mow the lawn and assume (or hope) that he'll mow it by 7:00 p.m.

They use positive language - Ask for what you want, not what you don't want. This adds clarity and positive energy to your request.

They use present language - Ask for something in the present that the other person could do or say right now. If the agreement you want will happen in the future, ask the other person if they are willing to make an agreement on that item now. In the next section you will learn how to use the four components of NVC to enhance and enrich your communication and relationship with other people.

Why I Only Accept 50% of Insurance Clientele & 50% Self-Pay In My Private Practice (50/50/❤️ MODEL)

WHY I ONLY ACCEPT A FEW NEW INITIAL INTAKE INSURANCE APPOINTMENTS

USING MY MORAL COMPASS AND COMPASSION FOR HUMANITY, I’M CHOOSING TO CREATE A 50/50/❤️ MODEL:

50/50/ ❤️= 50% SELF PAY 50% INSURANCE ❤️SLIDING SCALE FEE

Sliding Scale Fees help advocate for affordable mental health care and create an opportunity for highly qualified INTERNS to co-counsel clients in need. I interview interns extensively, decide selectively, and supervise very closely and yet very trustingly. I will be an active participant in each session.

I initially started accepting insurance 15 years ago when I felt a strong need to support my community, who needed financial support, to get consistent help. Despite hearing horror stories from colleagues about insurance paperwork and clawbacks, I joined a few insurance panels. I loved every minute of being a therapist! I hated everything about the administrative process when it came to dealing with insurance companies. Don’t get me wrong, I love my insurance peeps! We have connected over the years and I will continue to support my clients who choose to use insurance as they should!

I too, have health insurance. I get it, we have health insurance for a reason, pay high monthly premiums, and should be able to use insurance when we need it!

Regardless, I will show-up powerfully for ALL of my clients.

I feel good about my choice to create a 50/50/ ❤️BALANCE in my Private Practice!

As a healthcare member and a private practice provider, I’ve had the unique experience of seeing both perspectives of the healthcare system in the US.

As my specialty has continuously evolved, I have realized that mainly accepting insurance no longer make sense for the advanced work that I do. Ultimately, my decision came down to acting with integrity and practicing what I preach to my clients.

Here are some key points to help you understand my decision to create this model for my Practice:

LACK OF PRIVACY & CONFIDENTIALITY

When insurance companies pay for your treatment, it also means that their employees (clinicians or not) will audit my treatment plans and read what we talked about in my session notes. These employees are paid to save the insurance company money by searching for fraud and determining whether you're overusing your insurance coverage. In turn, the insurance company may decline authorization of additional sessions because you're not progressing fast enough; our work in psychotherapy does not qualify as "a medical necessity": or because my treatment approach isn't recognized by the insurance company as an "evidence-based treatment" (that's code for short-term, as in 6-8 sessions).

Hell, some insurance providers don't reimburse for 60-minute sessions anymore!

This doesn’t seem right.

I recently got audited by an insurance company. This audit took me countless hours, staying up late at night, time away from my family, unnecessary stress and scrutiny to provide tedious paperwork and specific details to prove that my clients needed the services provided. This is just not okay in my book. I totally understand documentation for integrity but demanding extra proof during a pandemic when I am already submitting the necessary information and feel overwhelmed and overworked helped me create the awareness and opportunity for me to reflect on MY CHOICE to accept insurance.

At first, I reactively felt angry resulting in thoughts and hopes that the insurance company would fire me! However, when I pause and feel to respond intentionally, I honestly and truly feel honored to hold space and care for ALL of my clients and I would feel disappointed if I were unable to offer insurance as an option.

In conclusion, I believe that everyone has a right to confidentiality of your medical records. You also have the liberty to progress through treatment at a pace that's best for YOU - one that allows you sufficient time to process everything that you're experiencing. Things unfold differently for each person, especially when our world seems chaotic (Global Pandemic)! If the insurance company fires me, they rip the therapeutic relationship apart that my clients and I have securely built over the years. Emotional injuries and attachment issues can be easily re-traumatized within seconds.

DIAGNOSIS OF ILLNESS

Insurance companies operate on a medical model, which means they require a diagnosis to establish that you have "a medical necessity" to seek services in order to pay providers. To justify that you have a "medical necessity" I have to assign you a diagnosis to be reimbursed for our work together when there may not be one that really fits what you're going through. The vast majority of insurance companies don't consider relationship issues like couples or family therapy, developmental/attachment trauma, existential issues, life-transitions, personal development, or self-improvement as "medical necessities" because there are no diagnoses for these in the DSM-V.

And even if there are appropriate diagnoses, there are some diagnoses that insurance companies don't consider debilitating enough to pay for. So, if I know what diagnoses are and are not paid for, l'd have to label you with a more severe diagnosis they will pay for, but one that may not really reflect your situation. I am not ok with this either!

You're probably wondering, "What's the harm in that? A little truth-bending never hurt anyone." Well, that's just it - it can. It can come back to bite my clients in the ass... your medical record. While that might not be such a big deal right now, it may become one later on if you want to: get life insurance, work in the financial sector managing other's assets, regularly handle firearms, or seek employment in any sector in which your decision-making might be called into question due to your emotional state. Call me crazy, but I feel that people should get the help they need without fear, stigma, or reprisal for making their mental health and personal growth a priority.

FRAUD

If I engaged in the aforementioned truth- bending, I'd essentially be committing insurance fraud. There are providers out there that are willing to walk this fine line and take this risk. In my opinion, the penalties and professional consequences of insurance fraud are huge, and frankly, not worth it. I have a strong need for peace of mind that comes with integrity.

LOW RATES

In order to be "in- network" with an insurance company, I have to agree to accept a lower fee in exchange for the insurance company listing my practice in their directory of providers and sending me referrals. In the spirit of transparency, most of my clients find me through friends, family and through searching online. And each year, insurance companies continue to cut the rates they pay therapists for their work.

Here's an example with real numbers and real circumstances of how this happens: My fee is $170 per session. But I joined XYZ Insurance Co.'s network because I had a client in need of services. I chose to help and chose to agree to the insurance reimbursement rate of $60 per session. My client would also be responsible for a co-pay of $0-$40 per session depending on his plan, bringing the total to $60-$100 per session. That means I'm waiving at LEAST $70-$110 for each session. As a healthcare professional, I want to help! I have made these types of choices for the 20 years that I have been in private practice. I will keep choosing to advocate for my clients who have insurance because I also have insurance for myself and my family.

Would you be willing to forgo ~65% of your salary?:-/

I will also continue to set boundaries with ALL of my clients and companies that I choose to work with. If you no-show as a self pay or insurance client, I will treat you the same and ban you from being able to book an appointment until we have a meeting. I get it. I want to understand one another and use empathy. Life happens. I want to turn toward these curveballs

Additionally, insurance companies have been increasing their members' premiums, deductibles, and co-pays in the last few years claiming rising costs of care. You'd think that that would translate to higher reimbursement rates to care providers, but it doesn't...at least not in the mental health fields. In fact, insurance reimbursement rates have actually decreased over the same period of time. You're probably wondering, "How do the therapists and psychologists that take insurance afford to?

For such insurance-based practices, taking on more clients than is clinically prudent is the only way to make up the difference and keep their doors open. This then leads to another problem...

BURNOUT & EXHAUSTION

Here's the reality, many providers that accept insurance overbook their schedules in order to turn a modest profit after rent, utilities, malpractice, and other expenses.

Additionally, these providers often only offer a 30-50-minute session to maximize the number of clients in a day (10 vs 8) and the chances of insurance reimbursement (remember, most insurance companies don't pay for 60-minute sessions anymore). Also, if you use the 60 min codes, you are flagged for audits which take hours and hours to complete.

DELAYED (OR NON) PAYMENTS

Despite the insurance companies agreeing to a set reimbursement rate, these companies require therapists to jump through a bunch of hoops to get paid. It is common practice for most insurance companies to reject submitted paperwork to delay payments. When they're not seeing clients, these therapists are drowning in insurance paperwork and resubmitting billing claims in order to get paid, or spending hours on the phone contesting unpaid claims.

On average, it takes an additional 1.5 hours of UNPAID work outside of the session to get paid for sessions. And remember, the therapist is already making less by agreeing to take insurance. (In my previous example, it would cost $255 of my time ($170x1.5) to get paid my $60 reimbursement rate from XYZ Insurance Co.)

The alternative is to pay a medical billing company 8-10% of the claims' costs to do the aforementioned, but that increases expenses and cuts into that modest profit I mentioned before. But let's say that I or my medical billing admin ARE able to see the claim through the labyrinthine insurance payment process, the payment will finally arrive in my bank account anywhere between 3-6 months after the session took place IF everything goes smoothly.

RETROACTIVE CLAIM DENIALS (AKA CLAW BACKS)

Now imagine that, after all that trouble, that insurance company asked you to give the money back, even years later. Yep, this really happens and, unfortunately, it's a common practice among insurance companies. They'll audit your claims and paperwork for several years back. If they find any mistakes or inconsistencies in the therapist's paperwork they missed when they originally approved the therapist's claim, the insurance company will request that the therapist return the fees she was paid.

Pretend that your employer sent you a bill requesting that you repay the income you'd earned 3 years ago. Would that seem fair to you? I didn't think so. Claw backs can amount to thousands of dollars that can bankrupt a small business like a private practice. Many insurance- based clinicians live in fear of such retroactive audits.

Before reflecting and reassessing the insurance-based private practice I founded, I recently heard from a friend and colleague that a major insurance company requested thousands of dollars be returned by the end of the month. Talk about stressful!

All together that's a recipe for a tired, overworked, and stressed out therapist.

This may have been the problem if you've ever been to therapy that you felt didn't "work" with a provider from your insurance company. I should know. I started to experience the symptoms of burnout after two years of insurance-based practice. And that's when I realized, "Crap! I'm doing the things I tell my clients not to do!" Talk about incongruence!

So I changed my business model for the sake of the well-being of myself and my team to preserve the quality of care we want to provide every client. It breaks my heart to REDUCE ACCESS to care for people in need, but I realized early on that we can't help anyone if we're stressed/burned out or have to close our doors. I am choosing the 50/50/❤️ MODEL to advocate for mental health and well-being for all!

This makes sense to me!

WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS OF PRIVATE SELF-PAY AND/OR A 50/50/❤️MODEL FOR MENTAL HEALTH CARE?

No Labeling - You don't have to carry an unnecessary diagnosis on your medical record. Although, if you’d like to create awareness and assess for diagnostic criteria, I would invite this curiosity and self exploration.

Confidentiality & Privacy - You and your psychotherapist are the only people that will know you're in therapy. You get to choose who you disclose this information to. Session notes are private records so there won't be intimate details to “prove medical necessity/ diagnosis info”.

I am highly confidential and keep minimal notes. I naturally remember our sessions together because I truly care and our therapeutic relationship is genuinely important to me.

Self-Determination - You get to work with a psychotherapist that is free to use the best therapeutic approach to help YOU meet YOUR goals. You and your psychotherapist are the only people involved in the decision about the length of your care. You won't have to seek additional authorization to continue your work or return to psychotherapy, if you have new goals you'd like to explore.

Quality Care & Attention - You'll get a psychotherapist that's alert and engaged during your session, remembering the details of previous conversations. You'll have the help of a professional that's invested in your process of growth because they've taken the time to do the same for themselves. She will be able to use the healing methods that are most appropriate for you.

You might be thinking that this is just one therapist's rant against insurance companies. Don't take my word for it. Feel free to do your own research!

If you tried psychotherapy and were disappointed with the results or the treatment didn't seem to "fit" after working with a provider from your insurance company, I hope you have a better understanding of what might have been happening behind the scenes. We urge you to reconsider getting some support now that you do. There are great providers in the healing professions on both sides of the insurance divide that can help you.

I HOPE YOU HAVE A BETTER UNDERSTANDING ABOUT WHY I HAVE DECIDED TO CHOOSE THE 50/50/❤️ MODEL!

50/50/ ❤️= 50% SELF PAY 50% INSURANCE ❤️SLIDING SCALE FEE

Call or TEXT with any questions:

📱#813-240-3237 or ***Book Now: —> ❤️

The Grief of an Affair (Your partner cheated. Now what? Part 2)

The revelation of a partner’s affair (sexual or emotional) comes as a shock to the hurt partner, even when doubts exist. The loss of trust in a relationship is no different from a physical loss. The closeness of the relationship and the hurt partner’s perception of preventability were identified as predictors of the grieving process’s intensity and duration in a study on human grief by Bugen. The predictors wouldn’t be different in the case of trust loss as well.

The process of grief includes five emotional stages to recovery from loss, as per the Kubler-Ross model. This process is not linear, and the hurt partner can find themselves at any stage throughout varying timelines. The stages of trust loss, applying the grief model to the aftermath of an affair, would be as follows:

DENIAL

The hurt partner struggles to comprehend what happened and is often unaware of the Gottman-Rusbult-Glass betrayal cascade that the betraying partner experienced or is experiencing . The hurt partner tends to minimize the pain of the affair initially and goes through the phase of “something is amiss, and it will be set right.” There is a strong need to confirm with the partner by asking questions in several different ways as they feel that this cannot be happening.

ANGER

The hurt partner starts to piece together the incidents from the past, and the reality gradually emerges. There is apparent anger about the betrayal, hurt for being let down, and sadness about losing the relationship. The anger can be toward oneself for letting this happen, the partner who did this to them, and the liaison who shouldn’t have crossed the boundaries. But then, there is also the fear that the anger may push away the very person they still love. The fear of losing the partner results in suppressing anger, which may erupt abruptly at different points as the entirety of the situation sinks in. There may also be self-doubt about their role in the case, which is overwhelming, given the immense emotional stress already persisting.

BARGAINING

The feelings of confusion, pain, anger, and other emotions seem unbearable and threaten the loss of control. It is a helpless state intensified by powerful emotions and therefore comes a need to regain control. The hurt partner tries to reset the past by exploring different paths, such as “if only I had stopped her that day when I saw her messaging,” “what if the other person had misused the situation and my partner is not at fault,” etc. There is a struggle to heal the pain faster by providing logical explanations and intellectualizing feelings. The hurt partner may try premature closure to postpone experiencing painful emotions.

DEPRESSION 

Here one feels the full impact of losing a trusted relationship. The affair erases everything the hurt partner believed. While the first three stages are more cognitive and solution-oriented, this stage is emotional and experience-oriented. It might involve heaviness and isolation. The hurt partner experiences intense emotions of anger, sadness, and doubts that can feel like there is no more running away. Questions may arise like, “does my partner love me at all?” “I should have given more time and attention before,” “What do I do now?” etc. These questions address the concerns at a deeper level, releasing intense emotions. It is a difficult phase that can feel foggy. Though depression may feel like a comfort zone as the inner conflict lessens, dwelling here indefinitely is unhealthy and would need counseling assistance to move on.

ACCEPTANCE

Acceptance comes concerning what happened and what it means in the future. It is not a perfect resolution and permanent closure (with emotions and interpersonal realities) but a transformative stage following a significant change. The hurt partner may start to have thoughts like, “I am aware of what went wrong and can understand the reasons,” “I will be able to forgive and move on,” etc. At this point, the perspective is more on the present moment and future rather than the past. Hope is renewed about the restoration of the relationship. This stage feels different as the outlook towards several aspects of life changes.

POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER (PTSD)

Shirley Glass noted that the hurt partner often suffers from a PTSD reaction following an affair’s discovery. According to Drs. John and Julie Gottman, if the below symptoms persist, then the chances are that the hurt partner is experiencing PTSD. 

1. Recurrent recollections and intrusive visualizations: “Deja vu” events, days, locations, etc., tend to trigger flashbacks of affair specifics. For example, recurring dates of when the hurt partner had found out about the affair trigger memories and related emotions that can induce flooding (stress) and panic attacks.

2. Oscillating moods, confusion, irritability, and outbursts: As the hurt partner struggles between feelings of betrayal and acceptance, there are periods of emotional numbing followed by explosions.

3. Intense emotions of anger, hurt, shame, grief, and frustration: There are ambivalent fears of anger, guilt, self-doubts, etc., that can overwhelm the hurt partner. Empathetic listening goes a long way in healing.

4. Hyper-vigilance and startling: Hurt partners can become startled and vigilant about mundane things like message notifications, phone rings, delay in replies, etc., and may seem to make impossible demands. Compassion and assurance will help.

5. Avoidance, detachment, and seclusion: The overwhelming feelings appear challenging, and isolation may seem like the only option. The betraying partner often misunderstands it as distancing and tends to stay away. It may enhance the feelings of rejection in the hurt partner when what is needed is emotional support.

6. Loss of focus and interest: The depression symptoms of demotivation, loss of interest, lack of energy, irregular sleep, no appetite, low feelings, etc., can persist.

7. Hopelessness about the future: As the world, they know, collapses, there may be hopelessness and helplessness about the relationship.

Although not all partners hurt by an affair will develop PTSD reactions, many will experience grief and depression. Hurt partners may become obsessed with the affair’s details, feel powerless with their emotions, and need therapeutic assistance at such times. It is important to note that these reactions are normal responses and can benefit from couple therapy.

FINAL THOUGHT

An affair shakes everything that the hurt partner believes in their understanding of themselves and the world. Gottman Method Couples Therapy can help a couple learn to atone, attune, and attach as they restore new purpose and meaning together.

Jinashree Rajendrakumar

References:

Bugen, L. A. (1977). Human grief: A model for prediction and intervention. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 47(2), 196–206. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1939-0025.1977.tb00975.x

Glass, S. (2007). NOT “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity. Simon & Schuster.

Gottman, J. (1995). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last. Simon & Schuster.

Gottman, J. M. (2011). The science of trust: Emotional attunement for couples.

Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017a). The Natural Principles of Love. Journal of Family Theory and Review, 9(1), 7–26. doi: 10.1111/JFTR.12182

Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017b). Treating Affairs and Trauma. Unpublished manuscript,  Gottman Institute, Seattle, USA.

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1986). Assessing the role of emotion in marriage. Behavioral Assessment.

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221–233. doi: 10.1037/0022-3514.63.2.221

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2002). A Two‐Factor Model for Predicting When a Couple Will Divorce: Exploratory Analyses Using 14‐Year Longitudinal Data*. Family Process, 41(1), 83–96. doi: 10.1111/J.1545-5300.2002.40102000083.X

Hall, C. (2011). Beyond Kubler-Ross: recent developments in our understanding of grief and bereavement. InPsych: The Bulletin of the Australian Psychological Society Ltd, 33(6), 8.

Holland, K. (2018, September 25). What You Should Know About the Stages of Grief. Retrieved from https://www.healthline.com/health/stages-of-grief

How Do Affairs Happen? (See the cascade of events that can lead to infidelity) PART 1

WHAT WENT WRONG?

It is hurtful and devastating when an affair shatters a relationship’s trusted stability. It leaves both partners to pick up the pieces before starting all over again, which is painful. One of the questions that plague partners recovering from an affair is “What went wrong?” Even when individuals and relationships are unique, is there a commonality across affairs?

Dr. John Gottman with Dr. Caryl Rusbult and Dr. Shirley Glass explained an affair as a cascade of steps that culminate in a transgression. It all starts with the bid for attention. If it sounds like a simplified excuse for an affair, it is not. When one can’t count on their partner to be available in their time of need, it leads to unfavorable comparisons, emotional distance, and eventual betrayal, if not the demise of love. Based on research, the steps that lead to betrayal (the Gottman-Rusbult-Glass Cascade) are as follows.

TURNING AWAY

Partners can make an emotional bid that is met with turning away or against instead of turning toward. Turning away would include ignoring or being preoccupied with something else while turning against would be a retort or a lash back. When “Would you like to plan for the weekend?” is met with silence or “Can’t you see that I am busy?” the bidding partner feels rejected and hurt. Over time repeated failed bids lead to reiterating the belief that “you are not there for me,” and trust associated with the partner starts to erode gradually. An anticipatory rejection starts to flood (stress) the bidding partner, making them feel vulnerable, insignificant, or unwanted.

NEGATIVITY AND AVOIDANCE

The bidding partner soon enters the negative absorbing state, which is the negative affect from past failed bids building up with every new failed bid. It gets easier to get into the negative state but challenging to exit, resulting in a persistent negative state of mind. Soon unheeded requests turn out to be stressful and pointless arguments. Therefore bidding partner suppresses feelings and needs, leading to avoidance of conflict and self-disclosure.

INVESTING LESS AND COMPARING MORE

When partners favorably evaluate the relationship compared to other alternatives, they are more likely to stay committed to the relationship, as Thibaut and Kelley suggest. Therefore, the unfavorable comparisons propel a relationship towards a lack of commitment and betrayal. The bidding partner starts negatively comparing the partner with a real or imaginary partner who would make them feel cherished. As approaching the partner with an emotional bid is found futile, bidding and investing in the partner reduces, while substituting begins.

FEELING LESS DEPENDENT AND MAKING FEWER SACRIFICES

As Rusbult notes, commitment is a gradual process of making a good comparison level for the relationship within alternatives. Similarly, the opposite process of un-commitment is a gradual process of damaging comparison levels with other options. Commitment leads people to make sacrifices while building interdependency. It also leads to disparaging alternatives in comparison to their partner. As reliability or dependability on the partner lessens, trust reduces. The partner opens up to others and engages in talks (or self-talks) that magnify the relationship’s negative qualities.

TRASHING VS. CHERISHING

As one maximizes the partner’s negative qualities, one also minimizes positive characteristics. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (defensiveness, criticism, contempt, and stonewalling) become rampant. Dr. Gottman suggests that people committed to their relationship cherish their partner by reminiscing about the positives with gratitude, even when not together. An essential part of a relationship, cherishing and expressing gratitude, is replaced with trash-talking the partner (directly and in front of others).

RESENTMENT AND LONELINESS IN RELATIONSHIP

Gratitude for the partner becomes replaced with bitterness. Resentment seeps in with silent arguments such as feeling the partner is selfish and uncaring. There is loneliness enhanced with unfavorable comparisons like “my ex would have understood me better” or “my colleague is more there for me than my partner.” With loneliness, vulnerability to other relationships increases. The built-up resentment results in low sexual desire and impersonal sex. The refusal to have sex may result in the partner’s blaming, leading to further feelings of rejection, and the affair cascade intensifies.

IDEALIZING ALTERNATIVE RELATIONSHIPS

There is less dependency on a partner, less reliance on the relationship for meeting essential needs, less investment in the relationship while idealizing alternative relationships, and thinking fewer positive pro-relationship thoughts. Instead, anti-relationship thoughts take over like “maybe we will be better off without each other,” “it may be a relief to let go of the relationship than hold on,” etc. The window between the partners is replaced with a wall, as the window opens up to outsiders. Other harmless liaisons provide the safe house.

SECRETS AND CROSSING BOUNDARIES

Secrets begin with omission. The other patterns such as inconsistencies, lies, confidence violations follow. While in cherishing relationships, interactions with others that hurt the partner are avoided, in denigrating relationships, ties with others are sought to fill the prevailing emotional gaps. As the hiding increases with the partner, there is an active turning toward others, and at a vulnerable moment, boundaries are crossed, and actual betrayal unfolds.

As one partner goes through the cascade of betrayal, the other partner experiences the ground sinking beneath their feet. Trust is broken and, over time, may develop into Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Jinashree Rajendrakumar

References:

Gottman, J. (1995). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last. Simon & Schuster.

Gottman, J. M. (2011). The science of trust: Emotional attunement for couples.

Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017). The Natural Principles of Love. Journal of Family Theory and Review, 9(1), 7–26. doi: 10.1111/JFTR.12182

Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017). Treating Affairs and Trauma. Unpublished manuscript,  Gottman Institute, Seattle, USA.

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1986). Assessing the role of emotion in marriage. Behavioral Assessment.

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221–233. doi: 10.1037/0022-3514.63.2.221

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2002). A Two‐Factor Model for Predicting When a Couple Will Divorce: Exploratory Analyses Using 14‐Year Longitudinal Data*. Family Process, 41(1), 83–96. doi: 10.1111/J.1545-5300.2002.40102000083.X

Haan-Rietdijk, S. D., Gottman, J. M., Bergeman, C. S., & Hamaker, E. L. (2016). Get Over It! A Multilevel Threshold Autoregressive Model for State-Dependent Affect Regulation. Psychometrika, 81(1), 217–241. doi: 10.1007/S11336-014-9417-X

Hawkins, M. W., Carrere, S., & Gottman, J. M. (2002). Marital Sentiment Override: Does It Influence Couples’ Perceptions? Journal of Marriage and Family, 64(1), 193–201. doi: 10.1111/j.1741-3737.2002.00193.x

Top Rated Marriage Counselor In Tampa

I am honored to be among the top 3 rated marriage counselors in Tampa!

Thank you so very much for this recognition. I love what I do!

Feeling Honored and Passionate About Helping Couples & Families! ~Liz

Internal Family Systems: 8 C's of Self Energy/Awareness List

8 C's of Self Energy/Awareness List

1. Calmness -

a physiological and mental serenity regardless of the circumstances 2. the ability to react to triggers in your environment in less automatic and extreme ways 3. to be less vulnerable to adopting the common fight-flight-freeze response when threatened

2. Curiosity -

a strong desire to know or learn something new about a topic, situation or person 2. to have a sense of wonder about the world and how things work 3. genuinely interested in non-judgmentally understanding something or someone

3. Clarity -

the ability to perceive situations accurately without distortion from extreme beliefs and emotions 2. the ability to maintain one’s objectivity about a situation in which one has a vested interest 3. the absence of preconception and objection 4. the ability to maintain a “beginner’s mind” in which many possibilities exist

4. Compassion -

to be open heartedly present and appreciative of others without feeling the urge to fix, change or distance from them 2. an intuitive understanding that the suffering of others affects you because of your connectedness to them 3. to simultaneously have empathy for others and a belief that the other has a Self that once released can relieve his or her own suffering

5. Confidence -

to maintain a strong belief in one’s ability to stay fully present in a situation and handle or repair anything that happens with the belief that “no matter what, it’s all okay and will all work out the way it can” 2. to have healed from previous traumas and learned from previous failures to such a degree that their effect does not spill into the present 3. to understand that mistakes are only lessons to be learned

6. Courage -

strength in the face of threat, challenge or danger 2. the willingness to be take action toward a goal that others would find overwhelming 3. the ability to recognize the damage we do to others then take action to make amends 4. the willingness to reflect and “go inside” toward our own pain and shame, carefully examine it and act on what we see

7. Creativity -

the use of the imagination to produce original ideas 2. the ability to enter the “flow state” in which expression spontaneously flows out of us and we are immersed in the pleasure of the activity 3. the ability to create generative learning and solutions to problems 

8. Connectedness -

the state of feeling a part of a larger entity such as a partnership, team, community, or organization 2. a connection to a meaningful purpose or a higher calling above the circumstances of daily life 3. to be in a relationship with someone who truly knows and accepts you for who you really are 4. to be able to relax your defenses with others as you know that you won’t be judged or controlled and are not afraid of getting hurt because you have confidence that you can repair any damage or misunderstandings that may occur