The Power of Listening in Communication

Why do we communicate? Communication is the key to understanding. Understanding helps to create a quality of connection sufficient to work together and collaborate, and to attend to our needs. 

“The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention….” -Rachel Naomi Remen. 

Listening can be a powerful tool to help get to a place of greater understanding. Listening depends on silence. The ability to let go, even temporarily, of your own thoughts, views, and agenda for the conversation, in order to be fully present and listen to the person in front of you. 

Listening can help build trust and good will between two people. 

There are three basic ways to listen: 

The first is silent, present listening. This entails letting go of your own thoughts and agenda, in order to be fully engaged with the person you are communicating with. Try to get curious about what the other person is communicating. Think of yourself as an eager student listening to an exciting lecture. Your role is to listen and gather as much information and understanding as possible. Try to come from a place of wanting to connect and understand through listening. 

The second way to practice active listening is to utilize one of two skills: paraphrasing or summarizing. Paraphrasing is to restate what the person just shared with you, exactly in their own words. There are no additional words, meanings, or questions attached to the paraphrase. 

Here is a simple example: 

Speaker: “I have been feeling sad and lonely this past week”. 

Listener: “You have been feeling sad and lonely this past week”

Summarizing is something you can utilize AFTER you have listened to the speaker share their full story. A summary is a more condensed version of what you just listened to, but it still includes all the main points that the speaker just shared. Think of a summary as what you would find online about a book or movie that you are wanting to understand the meaning of- it has the gist of the story and the main themes, without all the specific details. Utilizing the skill of summarizing allows the speaker to see that you were truly listening and trying to understand what they shared. It also allows the speaker a chance to correct or clarify anything that may have been misunderstood. A good summary shows that you are a good listener. 

The third way to practice intentional listening is to utilize a skill known as empathetic reflection. This is very similar to the paraphrase skill; in that it mirrors what the speaker just shared with you. However, the key difference in an empathetic reflection is that it must include both the feeling the speaker is experiencing, as well as the reason for that feeling. 

Here is a simple example: 

Speaker: “I’m feeling really anxious about tomorrow. I have my big annual review with my supervisor.” 

Empathetic reflection: “You feel anxious because you have your annual review with your supervisor tomorrow.” 

Notice how the sentence includes the feeling word: anxious; as well as the reason for that feeling: an upcoming annual review with a supervisor. Empathetic reflections are so helpful because it allows the speaker to see that you are not only actively listening to what they just shared, but that you are willing to understand how they feel even if it is uncomfortable for you. Think of empathy as feeling into or feeling with the other person. You do not have to share the person’s feelings in order to empathize with them. It’s best to utilize the same words that the speaker shared in your empathic reflection. Keep it simple and remember that if you are actively listening, you will hear clues as to how the speaker is feeling, and the reason for that feeling- which are the 2 pieces you need for your empathic reflection. 

People thrive and grow when they feel understood. Which is why active listening can be one of the most powerful healers for difficult conversations. Practice utilizing the 3 basic ways to listen and see how it can transform your conversations to create more understanding and connection. 

Written by: Jamie Rudden 

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/JamieRuddenMFTI

“Words are Windows

(or They’re Walls)

I feel so sentenced by your words,

I feel so judged and sent away,

Before I go I’ve got to know

Is that what you mean to say?

Before I rise to my defense,

Before I speak in hurt or fear,

Before I build that wall of words,

Tell me, did I really hear?

Words are windows, or they’re walls,

They sentence us, or set us free.

When I speak and when I hear,

Let the love light shine through me.

There are things I need to say,

Things that mean so much to me,

If my words don’t make me clear,

Will you help me to be free?

If I seemed to put you down,

If you felt I didn’t care,

Try to listen through my words

To the feelings that we share.”

— Quote Source—Ruth Bebermeyer

Practice Empathy in Three Ways: Cognitively, Emotionally, and Somatically

You must first take off your own shoes to put yourself in someone else's shoes.

We stretch our hearts and minds beyond our own experiences, viewpoints, and feelings in order to imagine what it's like to be inside someone else's head. We employ imagination, creativity, and instinct to envision what life is like for them.

Listening with empathy is a fundamental component of coming from curiosity and care, as well as the foundation of discussion. Here are three strategies to start practicing incorporating more empathy into your daily life that integrate living purposefully and empathetically.

PRACTICE: Empathy

It's important to remember that practicing this doesn't have to be limited to situations in which you are the center of attention. Its easier to feel for others when you aren't being attacked. Remember that empathy isn't something you put into words; it's a quality of presence in your heart. Aim to comprehend the other person's situation and let the conversation unfold organically.

SILENT EMPATHIC PRESENCE: Practice listening completely, with the heartfelt intention to understand and "feel into" what the other person is saying. How is this issue for them?

PARAPHRASE: After listening, summarize the gist of what you've heard. What are the key features of what they've said? It's also possible that repeating just a few words will be enough.

EMPATHIC REFLECTION: After listening, check that you understand by reflecting what you hear is most important to them. This may include how they feel and/or what they need. What's at the heart of this individual's narrative? What can you do to assist them to feel understood? Remember to phrase your reflections as questions and double-check that you're correct.

There are other methods for conveying compassion. We may convey empathy by giving a kind word, with a loving touch, or by describing how we're feeling in response to what we've heard. By expressing interest with open-ended questions like "Tell me more," "What else?"

As an example, my daughter's friend a freshman who is usually cheerful and bubbly, began showing up early to practice. I struck up a conversation and realized how much she was struggling. This friend was saying, "I don't want to go to this school anymore," and was thinking about dropping out. I noticed the impulse to go into problem-solving mode, an old habit of mine. Having just finished another book on empathy, I paused and decided to try listening instead. "Tell me more. What's going on?"

She began to open up. She was being bullied. She felt sad, alone, and depressed. Every time I noticed the urge to fix or solve, I attended to feeling the weight of my body and my feet on the floor, and resisted the temptation to offer solutions. I focused my attention on what she was feeling and reflected what I was hearing. She began to cry, oscillating between speaking, sobbing, and awkwardly making eye contact as if to check whether all of this was okay. There were a lot of tears, tissues, and long moments in which I simply held her gaze.

She spoke more about her feelings of sadness, loneliness, and not feeling valued. "I've felt like this since first grade," she mentioned. "Was that the first time you felt so sad and alone?" I inquired. No, it started when she was three, when her dad left. They looked at each other, realizing they'd hit the root of her pain. Eventually they explored what she might need at school. They came up with some strategies to address the bullying. She decided to stay in school and to make a public art piece for the classroom about depression.

This is the power of which empathy may help us. With a listening spirit, we can absorb each statement made, each emotion felt. Healing and change are possible if we come from a place of curiosity and care rather than our usual mode of behavior.

PRINCIPLES

People are more likely to be willing to listen when they feel heard. To build understanding, reflect before you respond.

KEY POINTS

The desire to comprehend is frequently expressed through listening, which entails putting away our own ideas, emotions, opinions, and views temporarily.

We can listen in many ways:

• With complete, wholehearted presence

• To the content of what someone says

• To the feelings and needs beneath the content

Staying connected in conversation helps us build understanding and

collaborate:

DON'T LET THE CALL DROP: Seek to establish and maintain connection in conversation.

REFLECT BEFORE YOU RESPOND: Confirm that you're hearing each other accurately before moving on. This "completes a cycle' of communication.

At the heart of listening is empathy, which includes:

• Cognitive empathy: seeing things from another's perspective

• Affective empathy: feeling another's emotions

• Somatic empathy: sensing another's embodied experience

Q & A

Q: What if someone wants advice? Is that ever okay?

Of course. When someone asks for advice, you might try offering empathy

first. I'll often say, I'm happy to share some of my ideas, but first I just want

to take in what you've said. I'll follow that with an empathic reflection of

what I'm hearing and check if I've understood. This can help the other

person process their experience and clarify what matters. I then circle back

to inquire if they still want advice; sometimes it's no longer relevant.

If the tables are turned and you want to give someone advice, check

first. Let them know: "I have an idea that I think might be helpful. Are you

open to some advice?" This honors their autonomy, minimizes the chances

that your input will be disempowering, and guards against giving advice

as a way of soothing your own anxiety.

Q: I've been exploring these empathy tools with close friends and family

and my new approach creates a lot of awkwardness. What do you do

when others expect you to communicate in a certain way?

It can be confusing when our attempts to create more connection backfire.

Part of what you are experiencing is the relational dimension of communication habits. They occur in a dynamic, so when we shift it affects others.

It also may simply be the learning curve; it takes time to find an authentic

voice with these tools.

Let go of the form and focus on your genuine intention to connect.

What would help this person to feel heard? If someone is used to us

showing care by asking questions or agreeing and we respond by reflecting

their needs, that may throw them off. Try to tune in to what they want.

When all else fails, let people know that you're trying something new that

you hope will bring you closer. Ask them to humor you while you learn.

What Makes You Feel Loved In Your Relationship?

Love Languages

Do you know what makes you feel loved in a relationship? Many times, we may think we know what makes us feel loved yet when we ask for things out of our partner, our needs are still not being met. This could be because what you think is your love language, may not actually be what makes you feel loved. Knowing your love language and your partner's love language is important in a relationship. When you both know what makes the other person feel truly loved, then both of you can actively participate in those forms of love for one another. More times than not, the way one person is showing their love towards you is the exact way that they are wanting to be loved by you.

There are 5 main love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. Knowing what your partner needs to feel loved by you and taking the initiative to actively provide that for them can strengthen and deepen the connection between the two of you. I like to have my couples that I work with take a short quiz to discover how each language of love ranks for them individually. I ask them to take this quiz separately and to be completely honest with themselves while taking it. Once they both have done this, I ask them to bring their results into our session so we can go over the results.

The reason I like to go over the results with the couples is because each love language can look different to every person. For example, the love language "quality time" can look very different for each partner. So, if one person scores high in this area, then it is a good idea to define what quality time looks like for the person who scored high. This way there is no confusion and a mutual understanding moving forward. If this is something you may be interested in, either individually or as a couple, then I recommend taking this quiz https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language. The results may surprise you!

Author: Crystin Nichols, MFTI

Book Appointment: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/CrystinNicholsMFTI

Empowering Couples to Communicate Compassionately~ Using Non-Violent Communication (NVC)

The process of non-violent communication (NVC) was developed by Marshall B. Rosenberg and encourages us to connect with others in a more heartfelt and empathetic manner. NVC emphasizes the significance of language in our day-to-day encounters, calling for conscious responses, instead of reactions, based on perceptions, feelings, needs, and visions for what we DO want to see happen.

The Four Components of NVC

There are four basic components to NVC that include observations, feelings, needs, and requests. What actions are we seeing around us that have an impact on our well-being? How do we feel based on what we've seen or heard? What need, desire, or value sparked those feelings? All negative feelings are unmet needs. Finally, how may we make positive requests of others that will improve our lives? These elements all work together to create NVC's foundation.

Our Language Shapes Our Thinking

Sometimes our thoughts sabotage our needs. It is helpful to gather more data and not just react from our triggers or automatic thoughts. Our thoughts produce the way we feel. Negative thoughts point to an unmet need. If I don't know what I need and react from the story that I tell myself, a lot of bad habits can form from this bad habit. Instead, I can gather more data, not just from thoughts but I want to drop down and gather more data from my feelings, where my feelings live somatically in my body, and what needs I have. When I discover my needs, I am in a powerful position to get my needs met. If I do not know what I need in real time, I may react and sabotage my needs which disconnects us from ourselves and other people in our lives.

All attacks are unskilled ways of trying to get a need met. Attacks create disconnect and defensiveness. Using NVC helps us accept influence and stay connected even through some of the most difficult conversations.

NVC not only challenges us to change the way we talk to one another, it also challenges us to change the way we think and perceive the world around us. In other words, NVC is not just a process of communication where words are simply exchanged. We must reframe our thinking so that we are able to genuinely express ourselves and be empathetic to what others are observing, feeling, needing, and requesting. NVC is truly an amazing process that empowers us to connect with one another in a compassionate way.

How to Calm The Jackal and Put on Your Giraffe Ears

Marshall Rosenberg conceptualized our tendency toward aggression and dominance as a jackal, while our more compassionate side he imagined as a giraffe (since giraffes have the largest hearts of all land mammals). When we listen with Jackal ears, we hear complaints as criticisms and requests as demands. When faced with a demand, collaboration isn’t possible. You either submit or you rebel which disconnects us and neither feels good, nor works well in a long-term relationship.

Conversely, when we put on our Giraffe ears, we listen with more empathy and compassion. We are more likely to hear the feelings and the needs behind what someone is saying. We’re more likely to see those needs as being understandable and reasonable, and not in competition with our own needs. When we understand and empathize, compromise and collaboration become feasible.

Nonviolent Communication in Couples Therapy

With couples, NVC bridges the gap in understanding between each partner and helps counter the judgmental negative stories that may build up about the other person:

“They’re lazy.”

“They’re not putting in as much work as I am.”

“They don’t love and care about my feelings.”

These interpretations or evaluations discourage us from being vulnerable and trusting the other person, and they prevent us from making needed changes. When we choose to replace those judgmental stories with greater understanding, more connection is possible.

NVC may challenge our preconceived notions about others and the world, which can help us to appreciate one another and live more freely. When the guy who is cutting me off in traffic stops being a jerk and becomes a person going through something terrible in their own life, I am able to let go of my anger. When I recognize that my difficulties in keeping my home clean aren't "laziness" but rather a battle for motivation or a desire for "rest and recuperation," the self-compassion I gain not only lessens my suffering, but it also increases the likelihood that I will be able to satisfy that need AND keep my house clean.

Whether you’re looking for Couples Therapy or Individual Counseling, Nonviolent Communication (NVC) can help you create the life you want to live together as a team.

The Starved Brain: Why does your loved one with Anorexia think, feel, and act the way they do?

The Starved Brain: Why does your loved one with Anorexia think, feel, and act the way they do? 

If you have a loved one with Anorexia, you know more than anyone that eating disorders impact the entire family. It can feel like everything you know and have come to expect from your loved one changes overnight. I have had family members report to me: 

“It’s like he is a whole different person”

“Is my precious happy girl still inside that body?”

“My wife has always been the life of the party. That’s one of the reasons I married her, now I can’t get her to leave the house”

 It can be tremendously confusing and sometimes feelings of hopelessness emerge. That is very normal. It is scary. To understand these jarring changes, it is helpful to remember that Anorexia is a physical illness. It manifests, if not treated early, in significant weight loss and calorie restriction.  Your loved one is acting, thinking, and feeling the way they are because of what research tells us about The Psychology of Hunger. 

The Psychology of Hunger: The Starved Brain 

The most notable study conducted the starved brain was undertaken in 1948 by Ancel Keys, called “The Biology of Human Starvation or popularly known as “The Minnesota Starvation Experiment.” The purpose of the experiment was to demonstrate how the body and mind are affected by not eating, or by restricting food. In this study, healthy young men were observed under normal conditions then exposed to caloric restriction (1570 calories a day for 6 months). After the semi-starvation period, they were rehabilitated with the purpose of determining the most successful form of nutritional rehabilitation. Such a study would never be conducted in modern research, but the results were foundational in shifting perceptions and guiding modern treatment interventions for Anorexia. 

The Results

Below are the symptoms that were found at just 1570 calories a day for 6 months. *It is noteworthy that most sufferers of Anorexia eat far less than 1570 calories a day* 

• Physical: Less energy, reduced heart muscle mass, lower heart rate and blood pressure, headaches, decreased hormone levels, sensitivity to noise and light, a feeling of being cold all the time, loss of strength and greater fatigue and hair loss and dry skin.

• Emotional and Cognitive changes: Depression, anxiety, irritability, increased mood fluctuations, intense and negative emotional reactions, decreased enthusiasm, reduced motivation, impaired concentration, problem solving and comprehension, increased rigidity, obsessional thinking, and reduced alertness.

• Attitudes and behaviors related to food: Thinking about food all the time, eating very slow or very fast, increased hunger, unusual food routines and rituals, binge eating, increased use of condiments for flavor.

• Social changes: Feeling more critical of others, withdrawn and isolated, loss of sense of humor, feelings of social inadequacy, neglect of personal hygiene and strained relationships.

These men had no previous mental health diagnosis, significant childhood trauma, or any health conditions that would skew the results in any meaningful way. 

Implications

When working with sufferers and their family members I always share this study and pay special attention to highlight the results in the emotional/cognitive changes and social changes sections. I have seen the implications of this study reduce shame and destigmatize the individual suffering. I try to communicate that your loved one is still the same person you know; they are just experiencing the brains response to starvation. With appropriate nutritional rehabilitation and patience there is no reason to believe that most, if not all, of these symptoms will go away completely. The first step to treating Anorexia is weight restoration. Getting stuck in the “Why” vortex is tempting because the sufferer and family want to believe that if they knew why their loved one developed Anorexia it would give them the solution. Sometimes family members blame themselves: endlessly analyzing and hypothesizing about some unknown error they made. It is important to make sense of or peace with your loved one’s diagnosis but if there is anything you can do to support your loved one, it is to encourage them to seek nutritional rehabilitation first and foremost. I ask family members to avoid pathologizing their loved one. Going to therapy once a week while severely malnourished can be unfruitful  because of the starved brain. A therapist role is to encourage motivation for recovery, educate and normalize Anorexia, and celebrate the little wins. Once your loved one is weight restored, the deeper work can be done from a healthy nourished brain. Should you be a family member of a sufferer in early stages of recovery, the primary take-away is to remind yourself and your loved that their brain is starving and the way they feel, think, and behave are survival responses. Remind them that it is not their fault, and it will not feel like this forever. Your loved one is not ‘CRAZY’ nor has their character or personality fundamentally changed they are just starving.  

By Shaundra McGuire, MHCI

Book an appointment with Shaundra Mcguire:

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ShaundraMcguireMFTI

Additional resources for you and your loved one:  

https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/

https://www.gaudianiclinic.com/videos-press

References: 

https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/information/anorexia/how-malnourishment-affects-the-brain-research-on-anorexia-and-neurobiology

https://eatingdisorders.dukehealth.org/education/resources/starvation-experiment

https://nedc.com.au/eating-disorder-resources/find-resources/show/issue-59-i-the-starved-brain-can-what-we-eat-determine-how-we-think

https://www.apa.org/monitor/2013/10/hunger

START YOUR HEALING JOURNEY By Creating Awareness & Self Compassion

Key Facts About Compassionate Awareness

What is it, why do we value it, and what are the benefits?

Compassionate Awareness is the integration of 4 things:

1 - Consciousness: a set of principles that support living a life of compassion, collaboration, courage, and authenticity. Showing-up in a way you intend to.

2 - Language: understanding how words contribute to connection or distance (to self or others).

3 - Communication Skills: knowing how to ask for what we want, how to hear others even if in disagreement, and how to move towards solutions that work for all.

4 - Means of Influence: sharing “power with others” rather than using “power over others”.

Compassion serves our desire to do 3 things:

1 - Increase our ability to live with choice, meaning, intention, and connection.

2 - Connect empathically with self and others to have more satisfying relationships.

3 - Sharing of resources so everyone is able to benefit.

Why do we value Compassionate Awareness?

Most of us could brush up on our skills to improve the quality of our relationship with ourselves and others, to deepen our sense of personal empowerment or simply help us communicate more effectively. Unfortunately, most of us have been taught to mix OBSERVATIONS with comparisons to compete, judge, demand and diagnose; to think and communicate in terms of what is “right“ and “wrong“.

This habitual way we THINK and REACT sabotages our intentions to get our needs met. We fail to communicate our actual need which further creates disconnect, misunderstanding, and frustration. And still worse, this can cause anger, suffering, and escalation. As this way of communicating escalates, this may lead to violence.

As a result, reactions from negative thoughts, even with the best of intentions, generate needless conflict.

On the flip-side, compassionate awareness helps us reach to the core need and discover what is alive and vital within us, and how all of our actions are based on human needs that we are seeking to meet. We learn to develop a vocabulary of FEELINGS and needs that helps us more clearly express what is happening internally in us, and understand what is going on in others, in real time.

When we understand and acknowledge our NEEDS, we develop a shared foundation for much more satisfying relationships.

Living Intentionally

The intention to connect with ourselves and others is one of the most important goals of practicing and living NVC. We live our lives from moment to moment, yet most of the time we are on autopilot, reacting out of habit rather than out of awareness and presence of mind. By creating a space for attention and respect in every moment, NVC helps create a pathway and a practice that is accessible and approachable. Studying and practicing NVC creates a foundation for learning about ourselves and our relationships in every moment, and helps us to remain focused on what is happening right here, right now.

Four Components of Compassionate Communication

Observation:

Observation without evaluation consists of noticing concrete things and actions around us. We learn to distinguish between judgment and what we sense in the present moment, and to simply observe what is there.

Feeling:

When we notice things around us, we inevitably experience varying emotions and physical sensations in each particular moment. Here, distinguishing feelings from thoughts is an essential step to the NVC process.

Needs:

All individuals have needs and values that sustain and enrich their lives. When those needs are met, we experience comfortable feelings, like happiness or peacefulness, and when they are not, we experience uncomfortable feelings, like frustration. Understanding that we, as well as those around us, have these needs is perhaps the most important step in learning to practice NVC and to live empathically.

Request:

To make clear and present requests is crucial to NVC’s -3- transformative mission. When we learn to request concrete actions that can be carried out in the present moment, we begin to find ways to cooperatively and creatively ensure that everyone’s needs are met.

Two Parts Empathy:

Receiving

from the heart creates a means to connect with others and share experiences in a truly life enriching way. Empathy goes beyond compassion, allowing us to put ourselves into another’s shoes to sense the same feelings and understand the same needs; in essence, being open and available to what is alive in others. It also gives us the means to remain present to and aware of our own needs and the needs of others even in extreme situations that are often difficult to handle.

Honesty:

Giving from the heart has its root in honesty. Honesty begins with truly understanding ourselves and our own needs, and being in tune with what is alive in us in the present moment. When we learn to give ourselves empathy, we can start to break down the barriers to communication that keep us from connecting with others.