SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY FREE RESOURCES BLOG
Navigating Relationship Struggles: How Individual Marriage Therapy Can Make a Difference
In the journey of marriage, challenges are inevitable. Sometimes, seeking professional guidance through marriage therapy can be a transformative step towards a healthier, happier relationship. However, what happens when your spouse is unwilling to participate? In this blog post, we'll explore the significant benefits of individual marriage therapy and how it can positively impact your relationship, even when your partner is hesitant.
Introduction:
In the journey of marriage, challenges are inevitable. Sometimes, seeking professional guidance through marriage therapy can be a transformative step towards a healthier, happier relationship. However, what happens when your spouse is unwilling to participate? In this blog post, we'll explore the significant benefits of individual marriage therapy and how it can positively impact your relationship, even when your partner is hesitant.
Focus:
- Individual marriage therapy
- Relationship struggles
- Marriage counseling for one
- Coping skills
- Emotional well-being
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1. **Understanding the Power of Individual Marriage Therapy**
Individual marriage therapy, also known as individual relationship counseling, is a tailored approach designed to help one partner navigate the complexities of a relationship, even if the other partner is not involved. It provides a space for self-reflection, personal growth, and learning valuable relationship skills.
2. **Gaining Clarity and Perspective**
Marriage therapy for one offers a unique opportunity to gain clarity about your feelings, needs, and expectations in the relationship. A skilled therapist can help you see the situation from a different perspective, enabling you to make more informed decisions about your marriage.
3. **Developing Effective Communication Skills**
Effective communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. In individual marriage therapy, you'll learn valuable communication techniques that can be applied to interactions with your spouse. These skills can help create a more open, understanding, and respectful dialogue.
4. **Coping Mechanisms and Emotional Well-being**
Marriage challenges often bring about emotional distress. Individual therapy equips you with coping mechanisms to manage stress, anxiety, and other emotions. This not only benefits your relationship but also enhances your overall well-being.
5. **Fostering Personal Growth and Self-Improvement**
Through the process of therapy, you'll have the opportunity for personal growth and self-improvement. This can lead to increased self-awareness, confidence, and a stronger sense of self, which in turn positively impacts your relationship dynamics.
6. **Setting Healthy Boundaries and Prioritizing Self-Care**
Learning to set and maintain healthy boundaries is crucial in any relationship. Individual therapy empowers you to establish boundaries that promote mutual respect and understanding. Additionally, it encourages self-care practices that contribute to your overall happiness and fulfillment.
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Conclusion:
In conclusion, individual marriage therapy can be a powerful tool for personal and relational growth, even if your spouse is unwilling to participate. By gaining clarity, honing communication skills, and prioritizing your emotional well-being, you can positively influence the dynamics of your marriage. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, and investing in your own growth can lead to positive changes in your relationship. If you're considering individual marriage therapy, take that first step towards a healthier, happier partnership.
Book a session with Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, LPC, LCPC, CCTP, NCC, DCC, Ph.D, Gottman & EFT Couples Counselor, NVC Compassionate Communication Specialist, and Trauma Informed Therapist!
Communication Skills in Intimate Relationships
NVC skills are invaluable for intimate relationships. By cultivating conscious and empathetic communication, couples can prevent misunderstandings, resolve conflicts, and deepen their connections. The practice of NVC not only contributes to a more fulfilling relationship but also enhances personal growth and emotional well-being.
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) skills can greatly benefit intimate relationships by promoting understanding, preventing conflicts, and deepening connections.
In intimate relationships, the emotional investment is high, making disconnections and conflicts particularly painful. NVC provides a framework for conscious and empathetic communication, allowing partners to navigate misunderstandings and conflicts with compassion and respect.
Communication is essential in intimate relationships because it is the primary means of connection. Without effective communication, relationships lack intimacy and can become strained. By developing NVC skills, individuals can establish mutual understanding, build trust, and create satisfying ways of relating.
The importance of communication in intimate relationships can be likened to the metaphor of "digging a well before you're thirsty." It emphasizes the need to invest in communication skills before conflicts arise. Rather than waiting until a full-blown conflict occurs, it is beneficial to proactively develop communication skills to prevent misunderstandings and conflicts from escalating. This proactive approach allows couples to conserve mental and emotional energy and avoid unnecessary suffering.
NVC skills not only help resolve conflicts but also contribute to the ongoing deepening of connections. By practicing active listening and understanding each other's feelings, needs, and desires, partners can nurture a sense of intimacy and emotional closeness. This deeper level of communication enhances the overall quality of the relationship.
Common communication problems in relationships, such as listening to respond instead of understand, can be addressed through NVC. By actively listening to understand without immediately offering solutions or judgments, partners can create a safe space for open and vulnerable communication. When individuals feel understood, they are more receptive to hearing the other person's perspective. This empathetic dynamic promotes authentic connection and often leads to the resolution of conflicts.
It is important to note that NVC is not about agreement but understanding.
It allows partners to communicate their thoughts, feelings, and needs while respecting and acknowledging each other's perspectives. This approach fosters a sense of empathy, which is essential for maintaining healthy and harmonious intimate relationships.
In summary, NVC skills are invaluable for intimate relationships. By cultivating conscious and empathetic communication, couples can prevent misunderstandings, resolve conflicts, and deepen their connections. The practice of NVC not only contributes to a more fulfilling relationship but also enhances personal growth and emotional well-being.
These situations easily lead to misunderstandings which can lead to conflicts.
A true-life example: a woman said to her male partner, “I don’t want to be so wifey.”
What she meant: “I don’t want to be the only one doing the housework.”
What he heard: “I don’t want to be married to you anymore.”
This couple ended up divorcing — true story — and is an example of a small miscommunication that can spiral out of control quickly if we don’t catch it. So slowing down, listening to understand, and asking clarifying questions can save us all a lot of heartbreak! (In the example of the couple above, their large group of friends also went through a form of heartbreak.)
Using Nonviolent Communication (NVC) in relationships involves remembering three key elements: Purpose, Intention, and Attention.
The purpose of NVC is to create a high quality of connection that allows individuals to naturally contribute to each other's well-being. It is not about getting others to do what you want or achieving a specific outcome. By focusing on connection first, mutually satisfying solutions can be found.
When entering a conversation or interaction, check your intention. Is it to be right or to connect? Willingness to let go of being right and preferred outcomes can pave the way for genuine connection and collaborative problem-solving.
Using NVC in relationships requires skillful deployment of attention. Instead of focusing on who's right or wrong, direct your attention to feelings and needs. Recognize the humanity in yourself and your partner, allowing for deeper understanding and mutual fulfillment.
Improving communication in a relationship through NVC involves becoming aware of and transforming old, unconscious patterns that hinder the desired quality of connection. While it may take time and effort, as you practice NVC, it becomes more natural and efficient.
Remember that NVC encourages connection before finding solutions.
Taking the time to understand each other's observations, feelings, needs, and requests is crucial for arriving at strategies that meet the needs of both partners. By using purpose, intention, and attention, NVC can lead to deeper and more satisfying relationships.
Book an appointment with author Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney and learn better communication skills:
Are You Arguing with Your Spouse?
Many couples believe that arguing with their spouse is a sign of a troubled relationship. However, the truth is that disagreements are a natural part of any healthy relationship. In fact, it's normal and even healthy for couples to have arguments from time to time. Here are some reasons why it's okay to argue with your spouse.
Many couples believe that arguing with their spouse is a sign of a troubled relationship. However, the truth is that disagreements are a natural part of any healthy relationship. In fact, it's normal and even healthy for couples to have arguments from time to time. Here are some reasons why it's okay to argue with your spouse.
It allows for honest communication: Arguing with your spouse can provide an opportunity for honest communication. When couples argue, they are expressing their true feelings, thoughts, and concerns. This kind of communication is essential to building a strong and healthy relationship.
It helps to resolve conflicts: Disagreements can provide an opportunity to resolve conflicts. When couples argue, they are addressing issues that need to be resolved. By working through these conflicts together, couples can strengthen their relationship and create a deeper understanding of each other.
It shows that you care: Arguing with your spouse can also be a sign that you care about each other. When couples argue, they are expressing their passion, which is a sign of emotional investment in the relationship. It shows that you are willing to stand up for your beliefs and values, which can create a more meaningful relationship.
It leads to growth and learning: Arguing with your spouse can also lead to personal growth and learning. When couples argue, they are challenging each other's perspectives, which can lead to new insights and understanding. By working through conflicts and disagreements, couples can learn from each other and grow together.
It can bring you closer together: Finally, arguing with your spouse can actually bring you closer together. When couples argue, they are working through difficult issues together, which can create a stronger bond. By being willing to engage in difficult conversations, couples can create a deeper connection and a more intimate relationship.
Arguing with your spouse is a natural and healthy part of any relationship. It allows for honest communication, helps to resolve conflicts, shows that you care, leads to growth and learning, and can bring you closer together. The key is to approach arguments with respect, empathy, and a willingness to listen to each other's perspectives. By doing so, you can turn disagreements into opportunities for growth and strengthen your relationship in the process.
Author: Crystin Nichols
Book Appointment: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/CrystinNicholsMFTI
What is the difference between LMHC and MFT?
ELIZABETH MAHANEY, MA, LMHC, MFT, LPC, LCPC, CCTP, NCC, DCC, PH.D HAS A MA IN BOTH MENTAL HEALTH COUNSELING AND MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPY WITH SPECIALIZED TRAINING IN COMMUNICATION, TRAUMA AND MANY CERTIFICATIONS. HERE IS WHY THIS IS IMPORTANT:
When it comes to seeking therapy, there are a variety of mental health professionals to choose from. Two common options are Licensed Mental Health Counselors (LMHCs) and Marriage and Family Therapists (MFTs). While both professions offer valuable support to individuals and families, there are some important differences to consider. In this blog post, we'll explore the difference between licensed mental health counselors and marriage and family therapists.
Elizabeth Mahaney, MA, LMHC, MFT, LPC, LCPC, CCTP, NCC, DCC, Ph.D has a MA in both mental health counseling and marriage and family therapy with specialized training in communication, trauma and many certifications. Here is why this is important:
Licensed Mental Health Counselors (LMHCs)
LMHCs are mental health professionals who provide counseling services to individuals, couples, and families. They are trained to diagnose and treat a variety of mental health issues, including depression, anxiety, and trauma. LMHCs use evidence-based therapies such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and psychodynamic therapy to help clients work through their challenges.
LMHCs typically hold a Master's degree in counseling or a related field and are licensed by their state's licensing board. In order to become licensed, LMHCs must complete a certain number of supervised clinical hours and pass a licensing exam.
Marriage and Family Therapists (MFTs)
MFTs are mental health professionals who specialize in working with couples and families. They are trained to address the unique challenges that arise in family systems, such as communication breakdowns and relationship conflicts. MFTs use a variety of therapeutic approaches, such as Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Gottman Approach, and Internal Family Systems, to help families and couples improve their relationships.
MFTs typically hold a Master's degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and are licensed by their state's licensing board. In order to become licensed, MFTs must complete a certain number of supervised clinical hours and pass a licensing exam.
Differences between LMHCs and MFTs
While both LMHCs and MFTs provide counseling services, there are some key differences between the two professions. The main difference lies in their areas of specialization. LMHCs are trained to address a wide range of mental health issues, while MFTs focus specifically on relationship and family dynamics.
Another difference is the types of clients they see. While LMHCs work with individuals, couples, and families, MFTs primarily work with couples and families. MFTs use a systemic approach, meaning they view individuals within the context of their family and larger social systems.
Which one is right for you?
The decision between seeing an LMHC or an MFT ultimately depends on your individual needs. If you are struggling with a specific mental health issue, an LMHC may be a better fit. If you are experiencing challenges within your relationships or family system, an MFT may be a better choice.
It's important to do your research and choose a therapist who is licensed and trained in the areas that are most relevant to your needs. Additionally, it's always a good idea to schedule an initial consultation with a therapist to get a sense of their approach and determine if they are a good fit for you.
Author: Crystin Nichols
Book Appointment: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/CrystinNicholsMFTI
Book with Dr. Liz: https://southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment
What is the Gottman Method for Couples, Relationships, and Families?
The Gottman Method aims "to disarm conflicting verbal communication; increase intimacy, respect, and affection; remove barriers that create a feeling of stagnancy, and create a heightened sense of empathy and understanding within the context of the relationship." Interventions used in the Gottman Method are research-based and grounded in the Sound Relationship House theory, which specifies nine elements of a healthy relationship. Imagine a house with seven floors and two weight bearing walls.
What is the Gottman Approach to therapy and counseling?
I’ll explain~
I absolutely love the Gottman’s therapeutic approach! There is so much that can be said about this method. If you have never heard about this couple’s approach in therapy, then let me give you a little bit of insight. The Gottman Method aims "to disarm conflicting verbal communication; increase intimacy, respect, and affection; remove barriers that create a feeling of stagnancy, and create a heightened sense of empathy and understanding within the context of the relationship." Interventions used in the Gottman Method are research-based and grounded in the Sound Relationship House theory, which specifies nine elements of a healthy relationship. Imagine a house with seven floors and two weight bearing walls.
Floor 1 - Build Love Maps.
Love maps are important because the whole relationship begins on the firm foundation of truly knowing one another. Each partner knows the ins and outs of their partner. In an ideal relationship, you and your partner know one another better than anyone else.
Floor 2 – Share Fondness and Admiration.
We all love to hear something nice about ourselves, right? This is a need, and it means the most when it comes from your loved one. Vocalizing your admiration for one another and being able to articulate the big and little reasons you love each other is huge!
Floor 3 – Turn Towards.
When you need attention, support, and comfort from your partner, you more than likely say or do something to elicit a response from your partner. This what is referred to as a “bid”. When your partner replies with what you need, this is them turning toward. Turning away from one another, or AGAINST each other is asking for trouble. Turning away disrupts the safe space you both need to express yourselves and needs.
Floor 4 – The Positive Perspective.
Your outlook on life and on your relationship is shaped so much by your perspectives and cognitions. When in a healthy relationship, couples see the best in each other and don’t jump to conclusions filled with judgement and criticism if one partner forgets to pick up their socks or give you a kiss goodbye. Truly believing you both are on the same team strengthens the relationship from inside out.
Floor 5 – Manage Conflict.
Conflict is going to happen! It’s inevitable but knowing what to do when it presents itself is key. You need to accept partner’s influence, communicate about the conflict, and be able to self-soothe.
Floor 6 – Make Life Dreams Come True.
Healthy relationships involve having a partner in life who encourages and helps you reach your goals. Making each other’s life dreams come true shows your partner that you want the best possible life for them and are willing to do what it takes to make that dream happen.
Floor 7 – Create Shared Meaning.
Congratulations, you have reached the top floor. This is where you build and understand an inner world as a COUPLE. The Gottman’s believe that developing your own culture of symbols and rituals is what expresses WHO you are as a TEAM. It continues to deepen your connection together. These are referred to as Rituals of Connection and they define you as a unit. The best part of this is that you create them together.
Weight Bearing Walls – Trust and Commitment. Without trust and commitment, the 7 floors can’t hold together, and it will fall apart.
In a healthy and supportive relationship, the partners are CHOOSING to have faith in one another and to be committed to each other. There is no force, and you are freely loving one another and pledging to help that love grow.
Author: Crystin Nichols, MFTI
Book With Me: https://southtampatherapybookappt.as.me/CrystinNicholsMFTI
Resources
1. About The Gottman Method. The Gottman Institute. 2021.
2. What is The Sound Relationship House? The Gottman Institute. 2022.
Couples Therapy: Like you’ve never experienced before…
I am here for you both! I want to help you uncover the root of the problem, rekindle your relationship, and equipped you with the right tools for future success. most likely, the issues are learned behaviors. The beauty of working with learned behaviors is that we can learn how to SHOW UP in our relationships with ourselves and our partner in a much healthier and powerful way.
In a Nutshell, What Is Couples Counseling?
If you're reading this, your relationship is likely struggling right now. You might even be considering divorce.. Let me start by telling you I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time.
If you're like most couples I see, you've probably come across an online article claiming that all of your relationship's difficulties can be traced to communication breakdowns.. If you could effectively communicate with your partner, you would be able to fix things.…
And that’s true! I have the tools to teach you how.
That's the problem: it is ineffective advice when you're in the middle of a disaster.. Obviously, if you could communicate better, your relationship would be better. But you can’t, so it’s not.
But there is hope! I will guide you in session and give you evidence based tools to use between sessions, to apply 4 easy steps to communicate to get to the root of the issues.
Whenever you and your partner try to communicate – Even deciding what to have for dinner can be tough, You may as well forget about trying to have an actually meaningful conversation. – it just turns into another fight, nothing gets resolved, and makes everything even worse.
Then it is just brushed under the rug to linger... until the next argument. Ugh... How exhausting!
And sure, that might be because your partner is trying to pick a fight (not realizing that all attacks are unskilled ways of trying to get a need met). And more than likely, there was an emotional injury at some point in time that went unaddressed – a crack in your friendship that never healed. Over time, you’ve grown more distant and further apart, until you’re constantly feeling resentful, annoyed, frustrated, hurt, disappointed, and down right angry.
Oftentimes, we know something is wrong but can't seem to put our finger on the problem. If this is where you're at, don't worry.
I am here for you both! I want to help you uncover the root of the problem, rekindle your relationship, and equipped you with the right tools for future success. most likely, the issues are learned behaviors. The beauty of working with learned behaviors is that we can learn how to SHOW UP in our relationships with ourselves and our partner in a much healthier and powerful way.
4 Ways Couples Therapy Is Different with Me:
I get to the CORE of the issue.
Too often, couples therapists begin couples work without adequately assessing for each person’s background and the couple’s joint history related to the presenting problems.
This is where the Gottman Assessment really helps me to conceptualize the problem to formulate a game plan from the get-go!
If you only go to therapy and talk about the problems you're having RIGHT NOW, it's like putting a band aid on a wound when the actual problem is internal bleeding. If you want to work through your problems more effectively, we’ll get to the root cause of the issues you’re experiencing based on each of your needs.
When we work together, I will begin by asking you to tell me more about:
your individual narratives
your family dynamics and how you saw your parents argue (or not)
your communication styles when fighting
how your relationship started
the current state of your relationship and how you got here
what your ideal relationship looks like (among other questions)
I hear it time and time again from clients about how the assessment procedure was beneficial to them, how it helped everything click for them to finally start seeing a difference in their relationship.
I also understand that talking about your history might make you feel vulnerable and taking this step requires bravery, but I assure you it's worth it..
2. I equip you with the tools and know-how to achieve long-term relationship success..
Oftentimes, clients come to me and say that couples therapy has failed them in the past because it didn't provide concrete tools for long term success and accountability. While addressing particular issues or complaints can be beneficial, without the necessary communication and listening abilities to interact with one another empathically – and listen compassionately - any discussions we have about your challenges will be ineffective.
So, we start working on specific skills. Such as:
How to initiate a conversation in a softened way
How to repair or de-escalate heated conversations
How to emotionally self-regulate when you feel triggered
How to come into dialogue in a productive way
How to compromise based on feelings and needs
Couples are surprised at how quickly they’re able to talk with each other in a calm, compassionate, and respectful manner.
Once you and your partner have worked through some tension and built up resentment in an emotionally safe way, you will be able to understand each other on a much deeper level. Trust builds when we learn how to implement compassionate communication (NVC).
“Well,” you may ask, “Isn't it rather simple? Why haven't we been able to solve this on our own"? "Please understand, this isn't your fault".
When you've been stuck in this vicious cycle and these patterns are ingrained, you may tend to keep creating these predictable bad habits of how you deal with conflict. You start to make assumptions about your partner, your armor goes up and you go into self-protection and defensiveness mode. It becomes less and less easy to give each other the benefit of the doubt that is necessary to sustain a long-term compassionate relationship.
My goal is to help you rediscover that grace, that softness. And ultimately, to help you hit the rest button to INTENTIONALLY create the relationship that you desire and rediscover yourselves too.
3. I help you recognize and understand the role comorbidity (anxiety, depression, ADHD, trauma, addiction, etc) may play in your relationship.
Basically, comorbidity means your brain is wired a little differently.
And honestly, the more I learn about comorbidity, the more I see just how common it is. Yet so often, it is either not acknowledged, or is seen as something that is wrong – something to blame.
Even if you don’t have comorbidity in your relationship, this approach is still highly applicable. The basis of comorbidity couples counseling is to help each partner understand, accept, and embrace their differences while working together as a team to overcome obstacles together without blame.
Comorbidity or not, in working with me your way of seeing the world will be acknowledged, not criticized.
For many couples I see, discovering comorbidity may be a freeing discovery. It allows them to reframe their relationship, and everything begins to make sense.
With my trainings in both the Gottman Method, Compassionate Communication, and Comorbidity Couples Counseling, I’m able to provide an organized framework for you to work within, while still flexibly tailoring my approach to your specific relationship needs.
4. We don’t have to stop at the 50 minute mark. I offer add-on time to customize sessions to meet your needs
You can choose to do 90- 150 minute sessions (or more), not just 50-minute sessions.
If you've been to couples counseling before, then you know the drill. You describe the problem, communicate your feelings, make steps in the right direction… but just when you really start to dig into it, and peel back the layers~ time's up. You have so much left to say. And by next week’s session, you’ve lost your train of thought, and there are new and more pressing issues to address.
By offering longer sessions, I’m able to devote the time needed for you to see real progress each week.
We're able to take on large-ticket items and actually reach a resolution that you may put into practice immediately.
Gottman Marriage Therapy in South Tampa, Florida with Counselor Elizabeth Mahaney
GOTTMAN MARRIAGE THERAPY
Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, NCC, Ph.D will help her clients:
Choose an intervention that is appropriate for the clients at the moment.
Recognize the Four Horseman when one member of a couple exhibits the behavior.
Stop the couple’s dyadic interaction when one member exhibits one of the four horseman. Describe the Four Horseman to the couple.
Explain the antidote to the relevant horseman clearly and accurately.
Coach the person with an alternative way to express him- or herself using an appropriate antidote.
Re-direct the couple to resume communication in a dyadic way. Continue to monitor for the four horsemen and intervene if they reemerge.
Identify when one or both partners are physiologically flooded (and not just upset) and stop the interaction between the couple.
Provide a brief explanation of flooding in clear, sensitive language.
Intervene by guiding one or both partners through a relaxation technique before continuing.
Explain the Dreams Within Conflict process and goals clearly.
Instruct couple on the Dreams Within Conflict intervention.
Assist one partner to ask the other partner questions about the dream or deeper meaning imbedded in their specific gridlocked issue.
Provide The Dream Catcher Questions handout and coach one partner to ask the other questions from the handout to increase understanding of their partner’s underlying dreams or deeper meaning embedded in the specific gridlocked issue; help the couple hold to the questions to go deeper vs. getting into their own point of view.
Introduce the concept of softened start-ups and explain why it helps (i.e., it is easier for their partner to hear and understand their point).
Explain research showing that the first three minutes of a discussion predicts whether that discussion will go well and whether their overall relationship will go well.
Explain importance of expressing needs in positive terms and instruct the partner to restate their point without criticism and then direct them to resume dyadic interaction.
Stop couple’s interaction when one or both partners are not accepting influence.
Explain the need for accepting influence (which may include reference to research). This includes finding a way to understand and honor some aspect of their partner’s position, with a focus on yielding and accepting influence rather than on persuading.
Stop couple and instruct in the concept of offering and accepting repairs and why it is useful.
Provide the Repair Checklist and explain the use.
Ask appropriate Gottman Oral History questions and stay on track with sensitivity to couple’s issues.
Conduct History interview with appropriate timing.
Conduct History interview with sensitivity to issues of co-morbidity.
The Grief of an Affair (Your partner cheated. Now what? Part 2)
The revelation of a partner’s affair (sexual or emotional) comes as a shock to the hurt partner, even when doubts exist. The loss of trust in a relationship is no different from a physical loss. The closeness of the relationship and the hurt partner’s perception of preventability were identified as predictors of the grieving process’s intensity and duration in a study on human grief by Bugen. The predictors wouldn’t be different in the case of trust loss as well.
The process of grief includes five emotional stages to recovery from loss, as per the Kubler-Ross model. This process is not linear, and the hurt partner can find themselves at any stage throughout varying timelines. The stages of trust loss, applying the grief model to the aftermath of an affair, would be as follows:
DENIAL
The hurt partner struggles to comprehend what happened and is often unaware of the Gottman-Rusbult-Glass betrayal cascade that the betraying partner experienced or is experiencing . The hurt partner tends to minimize the pain of the affair initially and goes through the phase of “something is amiss, and it will be set right.” There is a strong need to confirm with the partner by asking questions in several different ways as they feel that this cannot be happening.
ANGER
The hurt partner starts to piece together the incidents from the past, and the reality gradually emerges. There is apparent anger about the betrayal, hurt for being let down, and sadness about losing the relationship. The anger can be toward oneself for letting this happen, the partner who did this to them, and the liaison who shouldn’t have crossed the boundaries. But then, there is also the fear that the anger may push away the very person they still love. The fear of losing the partner results in suppressing anger, which may erupt abruptly at different points as the entirety of the situation sinks in. There may also be self-doubt about their role in the case, which is overwhelming, given the immense emotional stress already persisting.
BARGAINING
The feelings of confusion, pain, anger, and other emotions seem unbearable and threaten the loss of control. It is a helpless state intensified by powerful emotions and therefore comes a need to regain control. The hurt partner tries to reset the past by exploring different paths, such as “if only I had stopped her that day when I saw her messaging,” “what if the other person had misused the situation and my partner is not at fault,” etc. There is a struggle to heal the pain faster by providing logical explanations and intellectualizing feelings. The hurt partner may try premature closure to postpone experiencing painful emotions.
DEPRESSION
Here one feels the full impact of losing a trusted relationship. The affair erases everything the hurt partner believed. While the first three stages are more cognitive and solution-oriented, this stage is emotional and experience-oriented. It might involve heaviness and isolation. The hurt partner experiences intense emotions of anger, sadness, and doubts that can feel like there is no more running away. Questions may arise like, “does my partner love me at all?” “I should have given more time and attention before,” “What do I do now?” etc. These questions address the concerns at a deeper level, releasing intense emotions. It is a difficult phase that can feel foggy. Though depression may feel like a comfort zone as the inner conflict lessens, dwelling here indefinitely is unhealthy and would need counseling assistance to move on.
ACCEPTANCE
Acceptance comes concerning what happened and what it means in the future. It is not a perfect resolution and permanent closure (with emotions and interpersonal realities) but a transformative stage following a significant change. The hurt partner may start to have thoughts like, “I am aware of what went wrong and can understand the reasons,” “I will be able to forgive and move on,” etc. At this point, the perspective is more on the present moment and future rather than the past. Hope is renewed about the restoration of the relationship. This stage feels different as the outlook towards several aspects of life changes.
POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER (PTSD)
Shirley Glass noted that the hurt partner often suffers from a PTSD reaction following an affair’s discovery. According to Drs. John and Julie Gottman, if the below symptoms persist, then the chances are that the hurt partner is experiencing PTSD.
Recurrent recollections and intrusive visualizations: “Deja vu” events, days, locations, etc., tend to trigger flashbacks of affair specifics. For example, recurring dates of when the hurt partner had found out about the affair trigger memories and related emotions that can induce flooding (stress) and panic attacks.
Oscillating moods, confusion, irritability, and outbursts: As the hurt partner struggles between feelings of betrayal and acceptance, there are periods of emotional numbing followed by explosions.
Intense emotions of anger, hurt, shame, grief, and frustration: There are ambivalent fears of anger, guilt, self-doubts, etc., that can overwhelm the hurt partner. Empathetic listening goes a long way in healing.
Hyper-vigilance and startling: Hurt partners can become startled and vigilant about mundane things like message notifications, phone rings, delay in replies, etc., and may seem to make impossible demands. Compassion and assurance will help.
Avoidance, detachment, and seclusion: The overwhelming feelings appear challenging, and isolation may seem like the only option. The betraying partner often misunderstands it as distancing and tends to stay away. It may enhance the feelings of rejection in the hurt partner when what is needed is emotional support.
Loss of focus and interest: The depression symptoms of demotivation, loss of interest, lack of energy, irregular sleep, no appetite, low feelings, etc., can persist.
Hopelessness about the future: As the world, they know, collapses, there may be hopelessness and helplessness about the relationship.
Although not all partners hurt by an affair will develop PTSD reactions, many will experience grief and depression. Hurt partners may become obsessed with the affair’s details, feel powerless with their emotions, and need therapeutic assistance at such times. It is important to note that these reactions are normal responses and can benefit from couple therapy.
FINAL THOUGHT
An affair shakes everything that the hurt partner believes in their understanding of themselves and the world. Gottman Method Couples Therapy can help a couple learn to atone, attune, and attach as they restore new purpose and meaning together.
Jinashree Rajendrakumar
References:
Bugen, L. A. (1977). Human grief: A model for prediction and intervention. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 47(2), 196–206. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1939-0025.1977.tb00975.x
Glass, S. (2007). NOT “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity. Simon & Schuster.
Gottman, J. M. (2011). The science of trust: Emotional attunement for couples.
Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017a). The Natural Principles of Love. Journal of Family Theory and Review, 9(1), 7–26. doi: 10.1111/JFTR.12182
Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017b). Treating Affairs and Trauma. Unpublished manuscript, Gottman Institute, Seattle, USA.
Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1986). Assessing the role of emotion in marriage. Behavioral Assessment.
Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221–233. doi: 10.1037/0022-3514.63.2.221
Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2002). A Two‐Factor Model for Predicting When a Couple Will Divorce: Exploratory Analyses Using 14‐Year Longitudinal Data*. Family Process, 41(1), 83–96. doi: 10.1111/J.1545-5300.2002.40102000083.X
Hall, C. (2011). Beyond Kubler-Ross: recent developments in our understanding of grief and bereavement. InPsych: The Bulletin of the Australian Psychological Society Ltd, 33(6), 8.
Holland, K. (2018, September 25). What You Should Know About the Stages of Grief. Retrieved from https://www.healthline.com/health/stages-of-grief
How Do Affairs Happen? (See the cascade of events that can lead to infidelity) PART 1
WHAT WENT WRONG?
It is hurtful and devastating when an affair shatters a relationship’s trusted stability. It leaves both partners to pick up the pieces before starting all over again, which is painful. One of the questions that plague partners recovering from an affair is “What went wrong?” Even when individuals and relationships are unique, is there a commonality across affairs?
Dr. John Gottman with Dr. Caryl Rusbult and Dr. Shirley Glass explained an affair as a cascade of steps that culminate in a transgression. It all starts with the bid for attention. If it sounds like a simplified excuse for an affair, it is not. When one can’t count on their partner to be available in their time of need, it leads to unfavorable comparisons, emotional distance, and eventual betrayal, if not the demise of love. Based on research, the steps that lead to betrayal (the Gottman-Rusbult-Glass Cascade) are as follows.
TURNING AWAY
Partners can make an emotional bid that is met with turning away or against instead of turning toward. Turning away would include ignoring or being preoccupied with something else while turning against would be a retort or a lash back. When “Would you like to plan for the weekend?” is met with silence or “Can’t you see that I am busy?” the bidding partner feels rejected and hurt. Over time repeated failed bids lead to reiterating the belief that “you are not there for me,” and trust associated with the partner starts to erode gradually. An anticipatory rejection starts to flood (stress) the bidding partner, making them feel vulnerable, insignificant, or unwanted.
NEGATIVITY AND AVOIDANCE
The bidding partner soon enters the negative absorbing state, which is the negative affect from past failed bids building up with every new failed bid. It gets easier to get into the negative state but challenging to exit, resulting in a persistent negative state of mind. Soon unheeded requests turn out to be stressful and pointless arguments. Therefore bidding partner suppresses feelings and needs, leading to avoidance of conflict and self-disclosure.
INVESTING LESS AND COMPARING MORE
When partners favorably evaluate the relationship compared to other alternatives, they are more likely to stay committed to the relationship, as Thibaut and Kelley suggest. Therefore, the unfavorable comparisons propel a relationship towards a lack of commitment and betrayal. The bidding partner starts negatively comparing the partner with a real or imaginary partner who would make them feel cherished. As approaching the partner with an emotional bid is found futile, bidding and investing in the partner reduces, while substituting begins.
FEELING LESS DEPENDENT AND MAKING FEWER SACRIFICES
As Rusbult notes, commitment is a gradual process of making a good comparison level for the relationship within alternatives. Similarly, the opposite process of un-commitment is a gradual process of damaging comparison levels with other options. Commitment leads people to make sacrifices while building interdependency. It also leads to disparaging alternatives in comparison to their partner. As reliability or dependability on the partner lessens, trust reduces. The partner opens up to others and engages in talks (or self-talks) that magnify the relationship’s negative qualities.
TRASHING VS. CHERISHING
As one maximizes the partner’s negative qualities, one also minimizes positive characteristics. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (defensiveness, criticism, contempt, and stonewalling) become rampant. Dr. Gottman suggests that people committed to their relationship cherish their partner by reminiscing about the positives with gratitude, even when not together. An essential part of a relationship, cherishing and expressing gratitude, is replaced with trash-talking the partner (directly and in front of others).
RESENTMENT AND LONELINESS IN RELATIONSHIP
Gratitude for the partner becomes replaced with bitterness. Resentment seeps in with silent arguments such as feeling the partner is selfish and uncaring. There is loneliness enhanced with unfavorable comparisons like “my ex would have understood me better” or “my colleague is more there for me than my partner.” With loneliness, vulnerability to other relationships increases. The built-up resentment results in low sexual desire and impersonal sex. The refusal to have sex may result in the partner’s blaming, leading to further feelings of rejection, and the affair cascade intensifies.
IDEALIZING ALTERNATIVE RELATIONSHIPS
There is less dependency on a partner, less reliance on the relationship for meeting essential needs, less investment in the relationship while idealizing alternative relationships, and thinking fewer positive pro-relationship thoughts. Instead, anti-relationship thoughts take over like “maybe we will be better off without each other,” “it may be a relief to let go of the relationship than hold on,” etc. The window between the partners is replaced with a wall, as the window opens up to outsiders. Other harmless liaisons provide the safe house.
SECRETS AND CROSSING BOUNDARIES
Secrets begin with omission. The other patterns such as inconsistencies, lies, confidence violations follow. While in cherishing relationships, interactions with others that hurt the partner are avoided, in denigrating relationships, ties with others are sought to fill the prevailing emotional gaps. As the hiding increases with the partner, there is an active turning toward others, and at a vulnerable moment, boundaries are crossed, and actual betrayal unfolds.
As one partner goes through the cascade of betrayal, the other partner experiences the ground sinking beneath their feet. Trust is broken and, over time, may develop into Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Jinashree Rajendrakumar
References:
Gottman, J. M. (2011). The science of trust: Emotional attunement for couples.
Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017). The Natural Principles of Love. Journal of Family Theory and Review, 9(1), 7–26. doi: 10.1111/JFTR.12182
Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017). Treating Affairs and Trauma. Unpublished manuscript, Gottman Institute, Seattle, USA.
Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1986). Assessing the role of emotion in marriage. Behavioral Assessment.
Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221–233. doi: 10.1037/0022-3514.63.2.221
Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2002). A Two‐Factor Model for Predicting When a Couple Will Divorce: Exploratory Analyses Using 14‐Year Longitudinal Data*. Family Process, 41(1), 83–96. doi: 10.1111/J.1545-5300.2002.40102000083.X
Haan-Rietdijk, S. D., Gottman, J. M., Bergeman, C. S., & Hamaker, E. L. (2016). Get Over It! A Multilevel Threshold Autoregressive Model for State-Dependent Affect Regulation. Psychometrika, 81(1), 217–241. doi: 10.1007/S11336-014-9417-X
Hawkins, M. W., Carrere, S., & Gottman, J. M. (2002). Marital Sentiment Override: Does It Influence Couples’ Perceptions? Journal of Marriage and Family, 64(1), 193–201. doi: 10.1111/j.1741-3737.2002.00193.x