5 Misconceptions about Depression

Here are Five Misconceptions about Depression

Depression is one of the most common mental health disorders in the United States. Depression can make it feel like life has lost its meaning or make a person feel like they are worthless. Although depression and mental illness is more frequently discussed today, there are still misconceptions about major depressive disorder that hinder people who are struggling with depression from seeking the help that they need. 

Misconception # 1: There is always a reason for a person’s depression

Some people may have specific reasons for their depression but for others, there is no tangible reason why they are experiencing a depressive episode. Common reasons for depression include feelings of hopelessness, feeling like there is no meaning to life, experiencing abuse, lack of support system, and more. Not having a tangible reason for your depression can be frustrating and make it hard to explain to others which can cause feelings of isolation. Know that you are not alone in these feelings or alone in your depression even though it may feel that way.

Misconception # 2: Depression is untreatable

Untreated depression can affect your life physically, emotionally, and socially. There are several treatment options for Major Depressive Disorder that can be utilized to treat the whole person and not just one aspect of their lives. Talk therapy, behavioral therapy, medication, meditation and yoga, increased exercise, changed diet, and even volunteering can be helpful in getting through your depression. These treatments can help support clients through the life change that needs to occur to address the roots of a person’s depression.  

Misconception # 3: Depression looks the same in everyone 

There is a stigma around depression in our society and a picture of what depression looks like that can be damaging when it comes to identifying depression and getting treatment. What depression looks like for one person may 

Misconception # 4: Medication is the only way to manage it 

Medication is one treatment option that can be used in tandem with talk therapy. Research has shown the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is effective in the treatment of depression. CBT can help promote better day-to-day functioning for those with depression. A combination of medication and CBT is most effective in treating depression. 

Misconception # 5: It is the same as being sad

One of the biggest differences between sadness and depression is the length of time. Everyone experiences feeling down and sad but it does not typically last very long. Depression can last from two weeks to a year. Sadness may dissipate with time and kind words from a person’s support system but depression does not. 

If you believe you may be depressed, finding a therapist is a great way to start dealing with it and feeling better. Depression can make a person believe they don’t deserve help or that they are being weak by seeking help, but that is not true. Depression is a serious condition that requires treatment to manage and overcome.

If you or a loved one is experiencing suicidal thoughts or tendencies, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. 

By Amanda Kohl, RMCHI

Congrats on your Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern status Amanda! It has been such a pleasure having you as a multidisciplinary team member at South Tampa Therapy and Mediation. We are looking forward to our continued partnership with you. Here is Amanda’s profile on Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/amanda-kohl-tampa-fl/932283

References:

https://www.therecoveryvillage.com/mental-health/major-depressive-disorder/mdd-myths/

https://www.unitypoint.org/desmoines/article.aspx?id=a655c7e2-fe37-4817-887b-c762ff455b23

SELF COMPASSION IN EATING DISORDER RECOVERY

SELF COMPASSION IN EATING DISORDER RECOVERY  

Many of my clients express to me that as their symptoms and eating disorder behaviors increase so does the volume of the eating disorder “Ed” voice. Let me tell you, Ed’s voice could not be further from one of compassion but rather it is critical, shaming, cruel, persuading, and even violent. Some clients have told me “It’s like a drill segreant. If I do not obey my safety feels threatened.” I am not suggesting that people suffering from eating disorders literally have another person living in their head, but once eating disorders are triggered the thought patterns that fuel the behaviors are par for the course and addressing Ed’s voice is a fundamental part of treatment and treatment outcomes.

I will make a quick statement that as one becomes nutritionally rehabilitated (regardless of weight) with a balanced meal plan provided by a registered eating disorder dietician the voice will quiet naturally. Addressing malnourishment is the first step of recovery but that does not mean that starting the work of self-compassion cannot go hand in hand. Self-compassion is a life practice not just a recovery practice. 

WHAT IS SELF-COMPASSION? 

Dr. Kristen Neff is widely recognized as one of the world’s leading experts on self-compassion. She was the first person to operationally define and measure the construct around 20 years ago. You can check out her website here. Here is how Kristen understands self-compassion. 

“Self-compassion is extending compassion to one’s self in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering.” 

Kristen’s three key ingredients to self-compassion are: 

1. Mindfulness -a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which individuals observe their thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them.

2. Common humanity-suffering and personal failure is part of the shared human experience rather than isolating.

3. Self-kindness -being warm towards oneself when encountering pain and personal shortcomings, rather than ignoring them or hurting oneself with self-criticism.

TIPS TO START PRACTICING SELF COMPASSION IN RECOVERY

Imagine you are carelessly strolling down the street and suddenly you catch your reflection in the shop window and BOOM Ed voice says…

 “I can’t believe you chose to eat that gelato with lunch. I told you not to and now look at you, you’re bloated. Honestly your stomach is disgusting. You are so weak. I can’t believe you have the nerve to be out in public right now. You need to get your act together and (insert ED behavior) exercise, restrict, purge, isolate, cut etc.” 

Instead of mindlessly obeying Ed you could instead take a Self-Compassion Break.  Even if you end up following through with the behavior pausing and trying something different is building towards your recovery and diminishing the power of ED. 

 SELF COMPASSION BREAK: 

Mindfulness: Recognize you are experiencing some form of struggle. Emotional, physical, or mental pain. Identify the pain and in a compassionate tone, you might say “This is scary, I am afraid I gained weight. I am afraid if I don’t punish myself for the gelato I have failed. I feel guilty.” The goal is to recognize and validate the difficulty with a compassionate tone.

Common Humanity: Remind yourself that everyone (especially others suffering with ED’s) have experienced this form of suffering and know how you feel. You are not alone, and it is exactly suffering and relating to one other through empathy, validation, and compassion that binds humans closer to one another.  

Self-Kindness: The final steps is offering yourself kindness amidst the suffering ( fear, guilt, and ED’s mean voice) through giving yourself kind words and actions. Kristin Neff has called this the yin and yang of self-compassion. The yin being kind words to oneself and yang being kind actions. Kind words could be “You are brave for facing your fears and pursuing recovery. You enjoyed that Gelato and it was so such a fun lunch with your friend. There are others who would be inspired by your recovery action today.” For a kind action you can choose any out of your self-care toolbox as long as it represents kindness towards self-amidst the suffering and goes against the will of Ed’s voice. 

I encourage you to try using Self-Compassion Breaks as much as you can. The Ed voice will not get any weaker unless we become mindful of it, validate and feel our feelings, and respond with kindness. 

Follow this link for more tools to practice self-compassion! 

By Shaundra McGuire, MHCI

Book an appointment with Shaundra Mcguire:

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ShaundraMcguireMFTI

REFERENCES: 

https://self-compassion.org/

https://www.edcatalogue.com/3-mindful-self-compassion-tools-eating-disorder-recovery/

START YOUR HEALING JOURNEY By Creating Awareness & Self Compassion

Key Facts About Compassionate Awareness

What is it, why do we value it, and what are the benefits?

Compassionate Awareness is the integration of 4 things:

1 - Consciousness: a set of principles that support living a life of compassion, collaboration, courage, and authenticity. Showing-up in a way you intend to.

2 - Language: understanding how words contribute to connection or distance (to self or others).

3 - Communication Skills: knowing how to ask for what we want, how to hear others even if in disagreement, and how to move towards solutions that work for all.

4 - Means of Influence: sharing “power with others” rather than using “power over others”.

Compassion serves our desire to do 3 things:

1 - Increase our ability to live with choice, meaning, intention, and connection.

2 - Connect empathically with self and others to have more satisfying relationships.

3 - Sharing of resources so everyone is able to benefit.

Why do we value Compassionate Awareness?

Most of us could brush up on our skills to improve the quality of our relationship with ourselves and others, to deepen our sense of personal empowerment or simply help us communicate more effectively. Unfortunately, most of us have been taught to mix OBSERVATIONS with comparisons to compete, judge, demand and diagnose; to think and communicate in terms of what is “right“ and “wrong“.

This habitual way we THINK and REACT sabotages our intentions to get our needs met. We fail to communicate our actual need which further creates disconnect, misunderstanding, and frustration. And still worse, this can cause anger, suffering, and escalation. As this way of communicating escalates, this may lead to violence.

As a result, reactions from negative thoughts, even with the best of intentions, generate needless conflict.

On the flip-side, compassionate awareness helps us reach to the core need and discover what is alive and vital within us, and how all of our actions are based on human needs that we are seeking to meet. We learn to develop a vocabulary of FEELINGS and needs that helps us more clearly express what is happening internally in us, and understand what is going on in others, in real time.

When we understand and acknowledge our NEEDS, we develop a shared foundation for much more satisfying relationships.

Living Intentionally

The intention to connect with ourselves and others is one of the most important goals of practicing and living NVC. We live our lives from moment to moment, yet most of the time we are on autopilot, reacting out of habit rather than out of awareness and presence of mind. By creating a space for attention and respect in every moment, NVC helps create a pathway and a practice that is accessible and approachable. Studying and practicing NVC creates a foundation for learning about ourselves and our relationships in every moment, and helps us to remain focused on what is happening right here, right now.

Four Components of Compassionate Communication

Observation:

Observation without evaluation consists of noticing concrete things and actions around us. We learn to distinguish between judgment and what we sense in the present moment, and to simply observe what is there.

Feeling:

When we notice things around us, we inevitably experience varying emotions and physical sensations in each particular moment. Here, distinguishing feelings from thoughts is an essential step to the NVC process.

Needs:

All individuals have needs and values that sustain and enrich their lives. When those needs are met, we experience comfortable feelings, like happiness or peacefulness, and when they are not, we experience uncomfortable feelings, like frustration. Understanding that we, as well as those around us, have these needs is perhaps the most important step in learning to practice NVC and to live empathically.

Request:

To make clear and present requests is crucial to NVC’s -3- transformative mission. When we learn to request concrete actions that can be carried out in the present moment, we begin to find ways to cooperatively and creatively ensure that everyone’s needs are met.

Two Parts Empathy:

Receiving

from the heart creates a means to connect with others and share experiences in a truly life enriching way. Empathy goes beyond compassion, allowing us to put ourselves into another’s shoes to sense the same feelings and understand the same needs; in essence, being open and available to what is alive in others. It also gives us the means to remain present to and aware of our own needs and the needs of others even in extreme situations that are often difficult to handle.

Honesty:

Giving from the heart has its root in honesty. Honesty begins with truly understanding ourselves and our own needs, and being in tune with what is alive in us in the present moment. When we learn to give ourselves empathy, we can start to break down the barriers to communication that keep us from connecting with others.

The 4 Trauma Responses: Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn: Examining The Four Trauma Reactions

According to a research on the neurobiological consequences of psychological trauma, our bodies are designed to respond to perceived threats with a set of near-instantaneous, reflexive survival behaviors. Chemicals are introduced into our circulation via a short-term technique in order to rouse the body's defensive measures through the sympathetic nervous system. However, when our stress responses are continually activated, there isn't enough time to break down the chemicals, and our nervous system becomes overloaded and dysregulated—placing us firmly in the survival mode. The short-term protections become permanent as our body undergoes sympathetic nervous system dominance.

These post-trauma responses, on the other hand, aren't limited to those who've experienced significant "Trauma" events (such as war, death, or disaster) frequently associated with profound trauma. The fact is that trauma exists along a continuum of stress. Because trauma is subjective and personal, minor "T" incidents may be just as traumatic as big "T" events. Trauma, for example, might include a terrible breakup, a betrayal of trust, a work environment that is chronically abusive, or anything else that is mildly frightening over time. They may not seem serious at the time, but the long-term effects of trauma can still have a significant influence on you physically, spiritually, and mentally when they are not emotionally processed and integrated—somatically, intellectually. If a problem is left unresolved, past trauma may turn into trapped, frozen energy that your body will respond to physiologically in the form of a trauma response.

Fight, flight, freeze, fawn: the four types of trauma response.

Healthy stress responses aren't inherently negative; they can help you stand up for yourself in the short term. However, while trauma is a major cause of internal upheaval, it may be taken to an unhealthy and wearing extent. 

The fight response

When functioning properly, the fight response enables for assertion and solid boundaries. It's an active self-preservation function when it's used as a trauma response, in which you move reactively toward conflict with anger and aggression. It's a fear state in which you confront the danger of being assaulted or otherwise harmed so that you can defend yourself. A fight trauma response is when we believe that if we are able to maintain power over the threat, we will gain control. This can look like physical fights, yelling, physical aggression, throwing things, and property damage. It's possible to experience a tightening in the throat, along with other symptoms such as balling your hands into fists, stomach knots, tears, contentiousness, or a firm jaw.

Take a few moments to take a look at yourself and determine how you're currently positioned. It may feel wonderful to use your body to get mobility in the situation while having your insides mirror your outsides, but it comes at the cost of connection and others feeling safe around you.

You may use deep breathing, warm baths, routines, mindfulness, and self-love to help you let go of this. The fight response prepares you to be physical, so you can also utilize exercise to help the body return to normal. It activates your parasympathetic system by practicing mindfulness and a burst of constructive activity like yoga or stretching. It relieves anxiety and allows you to reconnect more deeply by releasing tension.

The flight response

The flight response is triggered when a person feels threatened or exposed. Avoidant behavior occurs as a result of the flight response. You can be discriminating in high-stress situations and disengage within limits if you're healthy. However, as a trauma reaction, you go one step farther by shutting yourself off entirely.

When we feel that if we can get away from the danger and avoid conflict, we will be okay, this is known as the flight response. This might look like fleeing and avoiding social interactions. To escape unpleasant emotions, you may stay occupied or flee for the door whenever things become difficult.

Do things that produce an immediate, physical response from your body to drop back into yourself. Pay attention to any tense muscles and relax them to relax the mind. Use bodywork and purposeful movements to stop the stress response so you can reflect on how you want to react rather than reacting spontaneously. 

Coping techniques that are tactile (such as drinking a warm beverage or eating crunchy food) and grounded, such as snuggling with a pet or doing some yoga, can all help. It's critical to make connections with those around you in order to release feel-good, happier chemicals like endorphins and serotonin.

The freeze response.

When healthy, the freeze response may assist you in slowing down and evaluating the situation carefully in order to figure out what to do next. When this protection is activated, it frequently leads to "freezing"—feeling frozen and unable to move or getting trapped in a fog or oblivious to reality. You don't feel like you're really there, and you're mentally checked out as you leave out what's going on around you and what you're feeling in an attempt to obtain emotional security.

When parts of your sympathetic nervous system have reached a state of overload, they may shut down your brain. I compared this reaction to that of our animal friends playing dead in the presence of a predator. When we freeze, it's as though we're at a loss for words; we withdraw into our minds; it's difficult for us to break out and be present; we sleep; we dissociate/spacing out; and we become emotionally or physically numb.

It's the same as temporary paralysis and disconnecting from your body to avoid additional stress.

To counteract that loss of connection with yourself, do grounding exercises if you catch yourself starting to dissociate. My personal therapist taught me this one. I call it "See Red." Look around your immediate surroundings for a red thing. For me right now, my husband's red sweatshirt flashes by. Then I'll look at it and take a deep, slow breath before scanning the area for another red item. I do this five times in a row. This may help us return to our current reality rather than the one we create when we're under stress due on traumatic reaction that takes us out of the present moment.

The fawn response. 

At its most fundamental, fawning is all about pleasing others and engaging in pacifying behaviors. It's characterized by putting people first above all else by doing whatever they want to avoid conflict and gain their approval. It appears to be beneficial to be well liked and defer to others in order to secure safety, but not when it comes at the price of losing yourself. It may eventually lead you to abandon yourself and your needs by merging so completely with others. Most likely, you don't feel understood by others or feel overshadowed by the individuals in your life.

Fawn response is people-pleasing to the point of forgetting oneself entirely; thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations. When someone tells me what I want to hear and I inquire how they're doing, they respond, 'I'm OK,' or 'I'm all right; so-and-so did this to me and I felt terrible.' I'll get a quick answer about how they're doing followed by a longer one about how someone else in their life is doing.If you're noticing that you're fawning often, be extra compassionate with yourself as you begin to separate what feelings belong to you and what belongs to other people. Observe yourself when you're around others to add in buffering time to help prevent resorting to fawning. The first step is awareness and learning how to start putting up boundaries to take up space.

Through my own experience, I've learned that focusing on it when I'm doing it is difficult, and calling attention to it may be uncomfortable. Recognize that your body and mind did their utmost to keep you safe but that you have the ability and worthiness to return to a secure state of mind.

Is it possible to have more than one trauma response?

Because trauma responses don't always neatly fall into a category, you may not overuse the same methods when confronted with fear. It's more likely that you'll primarily identify with one or two of the 4 Fs, but you'll still change between them depending on the context-specific environment in which you find yourself. Responses combine to form hybrids such as fight/fawn and flight/freeze for individuals who have experienced severe trauma.

Another element that influences our responses is the reality or perceived consequences of our behaviors. One stimulus for trauma might cause you to flee, while another may encourage you to fight—an example of this is an age-old battle with a loved one where you both want to hang up the phone and scream. Or if you're fawning, you just want to tell them they're right so they'll stop nagging at you.

The conclusion.

Know you aren't alone if you identify with one of the four trauma responses. Social support and journaling as self-soothing methods to figure out how to handle difficult circumstances and recover.

It's good to notice and speak about your trauma reaction with someone who cares for you, and who won't judge or provide unsolicited advice. Identifying our present behaviors as well as knowing we can make adjustments as needed is the first step toward better health.

In tandem, embodied healing is crucial to processing and feeling safe in your body. Managing your mental and physical health can help you find a new direction in order to cultivate responsive behaviors that are good for your health. Yoga as a method of relaxing the survival brain and meeting with a trauma-informed therapist at South Tampa Therapy will help in your healing journey.

Keep in mind that you're only human. You've been doing all that is necessary to keep thriving. It will take some time to unlearn some of these habits, which is fine. It is all in time... compassion, acceptance and patience in this process takes practice one day at a time.

Defensiveness & Emotional Flooding: Understanding Our Nervous Systems

DEFENSIVENESS

At its core, defensiveness is a way to protect our ego and a fragile self-esteem. Our research team member Ellen Alley explains that our self-esteem is considered fragile when our failures, mistakes, and imperfections decrease our self-worth. In our work, the opposite of a fragile self-esteem is grounded confidence. With grounded confidence, we accept our imperfections and they don’t diminish our self-worth. It makes sense that defensive-ness occurs in areas of our lives where we have fragile self-esteem, or across several areas of our lives if the fragility is more general. Any perceived call-out of our weakness is experienced as an attack on our worth, so we fight hard to defend ourselves against it.

In order to try to limit our exposure to information that differs from how we think of ourselves, we get defensive and overjustify, make excuses, minimize, blame, discredit, discount, refute, and reinterpret. Defensiveness blocks us from hearing feedback and evaluating if we want to make meaningful changes in our thinking or behavior based on input from others.

In our Dare to Lead training, we work with participants to figure out what defensiveness looks like for them, what it feels like, and whether there are some situations that are more likely to trigger it than others. To increase self-awareness, we ask folks to think back to a time when they received difficult feedback and try to remember what their bodies were doing, what thoughts were coming up, and what emotions they were feeling. The vast majority of people struggle to remember the exact thoughts and feelings, which makes sense, given that many of us go into fight-or-flight mode in these situations.

However, for the most part, people can remember their physical responses: Folding their arms over their chest, shoving their hands into their pockets, getting tunnel vision, feeling their heart race, looking down, and getting dry mouth are just a few. It’s worth thinking about the physical cues that show up for you when experiencing defensiveness and devising a strategy that can help pull you back into the present moment.

When I get defensive, I often get tunnel vision and start planning what I’m going to say instead of listening. But I have found some ways to disarm my defensiveness. My strategy is to subtly open my palms, even if my hands are just hanging by my side or on my lap, and actually say, “I’m sorry. Can you say that again? I really want to understand.” It’s pretty effective. If I’m having a really hard time, I might say, “I’m sorry. I’m feeling overwhelmed. I’m going to get a glass of water. Can we sit down in ten minutes and start again?”

FLOODING

This seems like the perfect place to talk about the concept of flooding. The body can become overwhelmed when it senses danger, and for a lot of us, a difficult conversation, hard feedback, or an argument is enough to send our body into overdrive. We can feel overwhelmed, attacked, and confused. According to the Gottman Institute, flooding is “a sensation of feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed during conflict, making it virtually impossible to have a productive, problem-solving discussion.”

In his book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last, John Gottman explains, “We each have a sort of built-in meter that measures how much negativity accumulates during such interactions. When the level gets too high for you, the needle starts going haywire and flooding begins. Just how readily people become flooded is individual.” He also shares that flooding is affected by how much stress you have going on in your life. The more pressure we’re under, the more likely we are to be easily flooded.

One of the worst patterns that I brought to my marriage from my family was “Get back in here and fight with me!” Growing up, we didn’t take breaks during fights. No one ever said, “This is no longer productive and we should take a time-out before someone gets their feelings hurt.” Our strategy was get louder and meaner until you win or someone else is crying. When I first married Steve, in the middle of a heated argument he would say, “Let’s stop and take a break.” I was like, “What are you talking about?”

At some point, I realized that stopping scared me. Fighting together seemed less painful than hurting alone. Looking back, I just didn’t know how to do it. I had never been taught or seen it modeled. Gottman’s work helped me understand the mechanics behind “Okay, can we circle back in twenty minutes?” or “Okay, how much time do you need?” Knowing that we’re coming back to finish the discussion, and when, reassures me in some way.

This research also helped me realize that it wasn’t just Steve who was getting overwhelmed. I get overwhelmed too. The difference is our strategies. He shuts down; I lash out. Disastrous.

Now when I feel flooded, I’m as likely to say “Time-out” as he is. This is a good thing because, according to Gottman, chronic flooding sets us up to dread communicating. Gottman discusses this effect in the context of marriages and partnerships, but I’ve seen the same thing in organizations. I’ve interviewed many research participants who experience chronic flooding with their bosses, so much so that every time they’re called into the office, they’re already on the path to overwhelm.

There’s only so much our bodies and nervous systems can stand before they flip the survival switch and stop communicating and start protecting or attacking. Looking back, I’ve never once regretted calling a time-out at home or work. Not once. I’ve never experienced a little time and space being a bad thing, but I have plenty of regrets the other way around.

Excerpted from Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown. Copyright © 2021 by Brené Brown.

Couples Counseling South Tampa: Couples Reveal What They Have Learned In Therapy

As a marriage and family therapist in Tampa, Florida, I have received feedback from several different clients. I combine some of the most powerful approaches utilizing Internal Family Systems, Compassionate Communication and Non-Violent Communication, The Gottman Method, Emotion Focused Therapy, Holistic Psychology, CBT, and DBT.

Here are the 10 best lessons couples learned from therapy.

1. Go to therapy sooner rather than later.

   It is best to go to a counselor before sh*t hits the fan. This way, you can start to develop conflict resolution and communication skills before resentment builds. Establishing a therapeutic relationship with a counselor early on can be beneficial when and if you find yourselves in a rut. Having an unbiased and supportive counselor can help you and your partner maintain a healthy relationship when and if you need support along your relationship journey.

2. You are on the same team.

   There is no winning and you don’t need to fight against each other. Therapy is a great tool and safe space to really work through things together. Meeting both of our needs, growing, and thriving together is the goal. We often ask ourselves, are you trying to listen to understand or are you trying to be right?

3. Play and have fun together.

   Unstructured quality time to just be living purely in the moment increases connection, creativity, and releases negativity. A couple that plays together stays together!

4. Unfinished business of childhood can show up in adulthood.

   Continuing to work on intrinsic positive change is a lifelong learning process. Insight and empathy can help partners understand conflict in a whole new light. When we create an awareness of patterns and habits we are able to create awareness regarding intentional choices in real time. If we are not aware, we keep reacting. Responding intentionally knowing what is happening is being awake to our inner experiences. Self-witnessing is a tremendous tool that can be used in so many facets of our lives. Practicing compassion for our partner's story, and becoming more empathetic to each other, we could actually help our partner heal from their painful childhood experiences.

5. It is not about changing the issue, it is about understanding.

   We have learned so much about communication and the ways to really listen to understand one another. Most people listen to try to change the other person’s perspective. When we get into trying to change the other person, defensiveness comes into the game. When defensiveness shows up, it creates disconnect. Communication either connects us and helps us get needs met or it disconnects us and sabotages our needs. We feel all sorts of negative feelings when our needs are not being met. However, we are in homeostasis when our needs are met and feel positive emotions. Our feelings are always signals to pay attention to which provide data about whether our needs are being met or not. When we know what we need, we are in a powerful position to get the needs met intentionally. When we do not know what we need, we will probably be in autopilot, reactionary-mode. Tune into your inner worlds so that you can understand yourself. When we understand, we can communicate honestly about what is happening internally.

6. Our thoughts are the root cause of anger.

   Anger masks more vulnerable feelings like hurt, disappointment, and sadness. It's helpful when both partners understand that the words or behavior hurts their partner, even when their partner tends to react with anger or stonewalling. Therapy can help couples connect — which includes learning how to get calmer and go slower rather than to lay out their arguments about who's "right".

7. Hear your partner out before letting emotions get in the way.

   Getting guidance from a therapist around how to listen to each other without being emotionally charged about the topic can help couples stay engaged in the conversation, to accept influence from one another, and compromise based on needs. This is huge! We can stay curious about what is actually happening in the moment. When our partners feel heard and understood, they are in a better position to hear us too. Listen to each other without reacting! This sounds so simple but bad habits can be hard to break and its beneficial to have a therapist as a sounding board to make neutral observations.

8. Conflict is normal, you will have different perspectives at times, and disagreements are inevitable in every relationship.

   There will be different stages throughout life and couples will never stop getting to know one another. The most important thing is that you listen, respect, and acknowledge each other's viewpoints. Many times, people listen to respond and not to understand — which is one of the biggest reasons why many relationships fail. Attending couples therapy, can help partners communicate feelings, emotions, and concerns more effectively. Counseling equips couples with valuable skills that will be instrumental throughout their lifetime and once they become parents.

9. Marriage therapy taught us how to communicate about our needs and desires without hurting the other person.

   When we are emotionally and intimately disconnected, it is challenging to help each other to feel heard and understood. The way we deal with conflict is directly correlated to intimacy. Change the way we fight, change the way we love. When we trust each other more and give each other the benefit of the doubt, we're less hurt when the other person isn't in the same place as us in the moment, We may still have issues and hurt feelings from time to time, but we're better equipped to handle those problems when they come up.

10. Psycho-education and therapy helped couples identify patterns.

    One partner was pretty direct and the other partner tended to be more thoughtful in the way he delivered information. One partner said the thing that stuck with her the most was that the therapist was able to reframe and articulate her partner's concerns in a way that he couldn't — which then helped her to understand him better. Therapy can help couples become aware of how reactions to difficult situations can be unhelpful. Attempting to respond in a way that is more productive for the relationship can feel very different. Psycho-education can be of tremendous value when co-morbidity plays a role in relationships. Trauma informed therapy can help partners empathize, respond to each others needs, and heal together. It is advantageous to the relationship when partners learn about mental health together.

To learn more about how therapy can help you, please text or call Dr. Mahaney directly 813-240-3237 or book an initial consultation: www.SouthTampaCounselor.com/BookAppointment

7 Rituals for Intentional Relationships

Most of us know that relationships take work, but our busy lives can make it difficult to stay connected. The demands of family life and career often leave couples with little time for themselves. The UCLA Family Resilience Project sought to find out what makes some relationships last while others fall apart, and the results are enlightening.

A romantic couple does not have to be dysfunctional to grow distant over time, as a result of the constant pressures, diversions, and dynamics of modern existence. Long working hours and the demands of parenting can push date night, sex, and romantic trips down the priority list.

Researchers at UCLA observed 30 dual-career couples with young children to understand the daily challenges for finding opportunities to build strong relationships and families. They discovered that these couples: 

1. Spend less than 10% of their time at home with each other and without their children around

2. Are career-focused with long working hours (partner one) and a have a double burden of work and childcare (partner two)

3. Prioritize children and household needs over the needs of their spouse or self

4. Become more like roommates, drifting apart emotionally and physically

5. Miss important opportunities to connect emotionally on a daily basis

We are clearly experiencing difficulties because of our high expectations in our professions and relationships, as well as little guidance on how to make love last. The deliberate couple has the potential to grow their emotional connection over time in order to bond over the years of their relationship.

LEARNING HOW TO STAY IN LOVE

When we are falling in love, we are more deliberate about going on dates, having intimate conversations to learn about each other, and making time for shared activities than married couples might be. It's simple to fall in love; it's much more difficult to maintain love, which necessitates intentionally producing moments of connection and intimacy. Perhaps a look at another realm of life will help us look for an analogous way of thriving.

The majority of successful business owners will tell you that money is not nearly as important as their time and effort. It turns out that how they choose to spend their time and energy contributes significantly to how much money they earn. In other words, the same is true for a person's love life. When we are at home, it's easy to allow autopilot bad habits to form.

I was on my phone recently while my partner was talking about something important. I was skimming all of the videos, articles, and quotations on my Instagram feed for ideas on how to be a better lover. It wasn't until my partner told me, "You aren't paying attention to me!" that I became aware of how mindlessly absorbed I was.

See the irony?

Couples must resist the temptation to go with the easy option of just allowing things to happen in their relationships. The tragic reality of love is that even if we do nothing to improve our romantic relationships, they will deteriorate over time regardless of whether or not we are doing anything harmful. Relationships need constant attention and upkeep.

According to the author of The Intentional Family, we need to focus on two connection killers to make our relationships better: how we spend our time and how we use technology.

1. Many couples are time-poor. Driving kids to soccer practice after a full day of work, only to come home and cook or do the laundry, leaves very little time for oneself and one’s significant other. A busy couple can first focus on improving the quality of their interactions by truly focusing on each other and the relationship during the time that is available.

2. Couples fail to intentionally disconnect with the outside world, missing the opportunity to truly connect with each other’s inner worlds. Our electronic devices are always sending us notifications that can interrupt and distract us from enjoying relationship time. The good news is that just making some minor changes in how devices are used can significantly improve the quality of a couple’s time together.

RITUALIZING DAILY CONNECTIONS

One of the most effective methods to intentionally enhance a connection is to make the everyday actions we already do, as well as create new customs that make each encounter with one another, even when we're crazy busy, more meaningful and connected. A romantic ritual is a recurring, planned, and, most importantly, intentionally meaningful to both partners.

START PRACTICING YOUR INTENTIONS TODAY

In Wired for Dating, Stan Tatkin, PsyD. states that “you can and should be your partner’s best antidepressant and anti-anxiety agent.” The following rituals of connection not only provide us with access to one another, but also relieve the stress we experience on a daily basis.

Sit down with your partner and choose two rituals from the list below that you'd want to try out. Talk about why these rituals will be meaningful to both of you before putting them into action. If any particular memories come to mind during this conversation, such as childhood memories, spend some time describing them in detail. Finally, work the specifics of when you will practice these.

EATING TOGETHER

At mealtime without kids, you may find yourself plopped down on the couch watching the latest Netflix series, or browsing social media while sitting at the dining table.

With kids, conflicting work, school, and extracurricular activity schedules make it tough to find the time to connect with your lover at mealtime, or to have the energy to cook healthy food.

When meals are eaten together in a space that facilitates conversation, couples often feel more connected and as a result, tend to have fewer petty fights.

Here are 4 tips for enhancing your mealtime:

1. Discuss who does what; such as who buys the food, who cooks the food, and who sets the table. One couple I worked with has one partner cook while the other partner sets the table before the kids join. Another couple takes turns cooking their favorite dishes.

2. Think about how you connect. During the cooking process, a few couples would play some light music, pour a glass of wine, and talk to each other before the kids joined for the meal. It’s helpful to consider the environment of where the couple or family eats as well. Does it have a TV playing? Are cell phones allowed? Intentionally think about potential distractions and interruptions and decide in advance which ones both partners are okay with.

3. Consider what the family as a whole might talk about at mealtime to further strengthen the bond. A billionaire’s father used to ask, “What have you failed at this week?” Other families discuss what they appreciate, or something they have accomplished. It’s also helpful to have clear rules around what shouldn’t be discussed, such as marital conflicts.

4. Is the start and end clear? What signals the start of the meal? Is it a specific start time or someone telling the family it’s time for dinner? When does the ritual end? Is this when everyone has finished eating? Does everyone help out with the dishes?

If you struggle to find time for a romantic or family dinner each night, think of opportunities during morning and weekend meals, such as a regular Sunday brunch. Maybe on certain nights you can go out to eat, creating a ritual such as Taco Tuesdays.

WAKING AND SLEEPING TOGETHER

Couples with mismatched sleeping styles, as in the case of an early bird paired with a night owl, can experience instability in the relationship. This can lead to more conflict, less time for shared activities, less sex, and less connecting conversation. 

Tatkin believes that it’s healthy for partners, even those with different sleep styles, to discover ways to begin and end their days together with rituals. Here are some ways to stay in sync:

The Morning:

• Get up early and share a cup of coffee, or return to bed for a 15-minute discussion before going back to sleep.

• Before beginning the day, snuggle for a few moments.

• Tell each other one thing you like about the other person.

• Have breakfast together

The Evening:

• Focus your attention on softening your gaze for a few minutes before falling asleep by looking into each other's eyes.

• Make some soothing tea and chat while relaxing in bed.

• Read to one another every day.

• Express your gratitude to your spouse.

LEAVING FOR THE DAY AND REUNITING AT NIGHT:

It all comes down to where the connection is, and how couples part and reunite.

When you or your partner leave for the day, do you embrace each other? Do you kiss? When you reunite, do you hug and tell your partner you missed them?

This study of 30 couples found that the men who returned home later in the day received no acknowledgment from their distracted family members. Being greeted in a loving way is a fantastic start to an evening at home. Here are some ideas:

Leaving:

• A six-second kiss. Dr. Gottman who has observed thousands of couples for 40 years calls this kiss a “kiss with potential.”

• A genuinely comprehensive embrace that embraces both individuals (not a one-arm hug)

• Asking your partner what are they most excited about today? Or what are they worried about today? Dr. Gottman calls this building a map of your partner’s daily life.

Reuniting:

• Tatkin suggests a “Welcome Home routine.” Greet your partner and give them a long hug and kiss.

• Hugging to relax: Dr. Schnarch, a renowned Couples Therapist, encourages partners to hold each other until they relax. This physical connection can help reduce stress and reconnect the couple. My partner and I often embrace for at least 30 seconds when the last partner gets home.

TALKING DAILY

Falling in love necessitates a lot of one-on-one conversation about the good and unpleasant aspects of each partner's day as well as what is significant to each individual.

According to Dr. Doughty, the author of The Intentional Family, “Few dating couples would get married if they had as little focused conversation as most married couples do.”

Dr. Gottman’s research highlights that after couple’s therapy, the couples who have a daily stress-reducing conversation are less likely to relapse than couples who don’t talk daily.

Intentionally talking with each other one-on-one, even for just 15 minutes, can be good enough for busy couples. Focus on discussing how your daily events made you feel, rather than just talking about the facts of the events that occurred.

One of the best ways to do this is to tie the talking ritual to enjoying a beverage together. Dr. Doughty has coffee with his wife every night after dinner at the dining table. My partner and I have apple cider vinegar and talk while we sit up in bed.

It is far easier to preserve a connection when two partners are able to speak with each other every day. Having a conversation on a daily basis deepens affection for one's partner, boosts emotional and sexual intimacy, and prevents squabbles over little things that often occur in couples who don't have much connection on a daily basis.

EXERCISING TOGETHER

Actively maintaining health together is a great way to stay connected.

• Start or end the day with a walk around the neighborhood

• Go to a gym class together

• Head to and leave the gym together

• Play on a sports team together

Remember, if couples do nothing to actively improve their relationship, even without doing anything that is destructive, the relationship will get worse over time. That’s why it is vital to intentionally cultivate daily rituals that help partners reconnect.

Relationships thrive when couples realize that the seemingly insignificant moments, such as a loving hug and kiss when one partner comes home, are often the most significant of all. By being intentional, couples can transform dull, mindless routines into a source of connection and fun.

1. Campos, B., Graesch, A. P., Repetti, R., Bradbury, T., & Ochs, E. (2009). Opportunity for interaction? A naturalistic observation study of dual-earner families after work and school. Journal of Family Psychology, 23(6), 798-807. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0015824

2. Larson, J.H., Crane, D. R., & Smith, C. W. (1991) Morning and night couples: The effect of wake and sleep patterns on marital adjustment. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 17(1), 53-65. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1752-0606.1991.tb00864.x

What Self-Care is Really About?

Self-care has become a buzz word. Images of spa days, face masks, and bubble baths prevail. These activities might be relaxing but self-care is more about paying attention to this key question, “what do I need?” Whether it’s your therapist or partner our human tendency is to assume that others magically know both what our needs are and how to meet them. This unrealistic expectation leads to resentment. It is our responsibility to first become mindful of our needs and then to communicate them to others. If you practice slowing down and asking the question “what do I need” you’ll find the answers inherent within yourself.  

This process is active and ongoing, but it could start with respecting your basic human needs. How did I sleep last night? Am I hungry? Thirsty? Do I need a hug? Have I laughed recently? When we ignore our bodies, we disconnect from ourselves as “holistic” beings. It causes a split between the mind and body, which can damage our mental health and relationships. 

Setting appropriate boundaries is another fundamental principle of self-care. Boundaries are essentially learning when to say no to a person or thing so that we can yes to something else. Here are some helpful questions: What areas am I feeling pushed, pulled, or drained? What people or things do I dread? What would I like instead? What can I do about it? 

Another principle is acceptance. There are days and circumstances where we can’t get all our needs met. There are partners who may not respect our boundaries. It’s Ok, this is a journey, and all you need to do is compassionately take steps forward each day. 

Some people think self-care is selfish “I have deadlines to meet, friends and family to check on, and that never-ending checklist.” “I don’t have time to pause.” Pausing is far from selfish. When using mindfulness to meet your needs, you will notice that you show up in all aspects of your life re-fueled, re-energized and far more productive and happier. Think about a hungry child, who is incapable of sitting still or doing their school work. You give them a snack and a hug or let them run around and they transform. Nourishment is not just nutritional, it applies to our need for connection, love, play, and more. Whether it’s depression or a conflict-ridden relationship, taking these basic steps will allow you to tackle those battles from a healthier place. We are all deserving of self-care!

By Shaundra McGuire, MHCI

Book an appointment with Shaundra Mcguire:

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ShaundraMcguireMFTI

Healthy ways to Manage Stress and Anxiety

Stress and anxiety are emotions we often experience that cause us to feel a tightening in our body, making it harder to breathe, and bringing in negative thoughts. While experiencing these emotions from time to time is completely normal and serves a purpose, we can not allow these feelings to dictate our lives. This blog post will explore the different ways we can manage and control our stress and anxiety.

1. Take a minute to pause and think: When experiencing stress and anxiety it is important to pause and understand why we are feeling this way. Doing so will allow us to pinpoint what is causing our stress and anxiety and help us figure out what to do next.

2. Breathing exercises/ meditation: Take a minute to purposefully control your breathing. Doing so will allow you to focus on one specific thing and slow down you’re thinking and your heart rate. Meditation does the same exact thing; it allows you to intentionally think about one thing without outside distractions and other thoughts.

3. Get up and move: Sometimes the best way to release any pent-up anxiety and stress is to get up and move. Whether it be going for a walk/ run, going to the gym, or swimming, getting out that extra energy can help us release any unresolved or stress-inducing thoughts or emotions.

4. Getting enough sleep & eating a well-balanced meal: I know, I know you hear it often enough. Get 8 hours of sleep and eat healthily. As much as we don’t like to hear it, getting the right amount of sleep and eating right fuels our body with the right kind of energy that will propel us through the day. When we have that healthy energy we are less likely to become anxious and stressed because our bodies are charged and primed to take on difficult tasks.

5. Accept that you cannot control everything: We as humans have the instinct to want to be in control of everything in our lives, that way nothing can stop us from what we want to do. Unfortunately, it is not realistic for us to be able to control everything. We have to take accountability for ourselves, but also realize that there is a variable of life that will constantly be unknown. That can be scary to understand that we don’t have control of a lot of things, but we can find solace in the things we can control, ourselves and our reactions.

6. Positive Self-Talk: One great way to manage our stress and anxiety is to work on our positive self-talk. When we hear those negative voices making us anxious, we can combat them with positive thoughts or accept that we made a mistake and move forward without getting stuck in that negative loop. A great way to combat those anxious thoughts is to think about all the things you are grateful for at that moment or what you have done great so far today. Doing so will not only get rid of those negative thoughts, but it will also boost your self-esteem.

7. Self-Care: Finally, keeping up with your own self-care regimen will help keep your stress and anxiety at bay. We often think of self-care as taking bubble baths and relaxing, but it isn’t only that. Self-care is about evaluating where you are and what your needs are and taking the time to meet those needs. Just like getting enough sleep and eating a balanced meal, self-care allows your body to recharge with the right kind of energy you need to get through the day without being stressed out and anxious.

Although we may never be able to get rid of stress and anxiety, we have the tools to better manage those feelings. Utilizing these tools will allow us to not become overwhelmed when we feel anxious and stressed out. Instead, we will be better able to analyze where these feelings are coming from and meet whatever need is not being meant. 

By Bailey McConnell, MFTI

Resources

Powell, T., & Enright, S. (2015). Anxiety and stress management. Routledge. 

Ratanasiripong, P., Park, J. F., Ratanasiripong, N., & Kathalae, D. (2015). Stress and anxiety management in nursing students: Biofeedback and mindfulness meditation. Journal of Nursing Education, 54(9), 520-524.

Tips to Manage Anxiety and Stress. Anxiety & Depression Association of America. (2021, September 28). Retrieved from https://adaa.org/tips 

Van den Bergh, O. (2021). Principles and practice of stress management. Guilford Publications.

Book an appointment with Bailey McConnell, MFTI

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/BaileyMcConnellMFTI

Exploring Healthy Relationships

Whether we like it or not from the minute we are born we are involved in relationships with others, whether that be a mother, a father, a sibling, a friend, or a romantic partner. Relationships can be difficult to manage at times and might even become toxic. One might be wondering, what are healthy relationships and what do they look like? This blog post will talk more about this very topic. 

Healthy relationships are relationships that individuals have with one another person that brings each person joy and happiness most of the time. These relationships should be equal in balance (What do healthy relationships look like, 2022). Meaning that each person in the relationship has an equal amount of say and freedom.  Healthy relationships take the work of both parties involved. Not one person should be more in power or put in more effort than the other. This means that partners need to compromise and come together to build a stronger relationship. The key components of healthy relationships are:

1. Respect: partners must respect one another on all levels to form a healthy relationship. This might look like being open to what the other is saying, thinking, or feeling and allowing them the space to do so. Respect for some individuals is earned over time. That is why it is important to be authentically you. Allow the other person to see who you are. Respect must be given by both partners. That means that both partners need to have mutual respect, even if it is on a basic level. Another way to express respect in relationships is by upholding the other person’s boundaries.

2. Boundaries: boundaries are rules and or lines that are set by each partner on what they think is acceptable behavior and what is not. Keeping firm boundaries with each partner is a form of having order and structure in the relationship. These boundaries need to be clearly communicated to the other partner.

3. Open Communication: keeping a line of open communication in relationships is vital. This might look like telling your partner what you are thinking or how you are feeling. Not communicating your wants, needs, or plans can cause unwarranted conflict or resentment. Having those open lines of communication allows each partner to be vulnerable with the other, which in turn builds trust.

4. Trust: trust is another very important topic in relationships. One must feel comfortable enough with the other person to know that they will not try to intentionally hurt them or spill their confidential information to others. This might look like allowing your partner to help you work on a project or to tell them something you haven’t before. If there is no trust in the relationship, then the intimacy and compassion between partners cannot grow.

5. Honesty: Being honest with your partner can be very difficult. Especially if you know that the truth might hurt their feelings. However, being honest lends itself to having respect for your partner and honoring the open lines of communication. Meaning that if the truth is not said, then it can hurt or destroy the respect, open communication, and boundaries you have built with your partner.

6. Consent: Consent in relationships truly embodies all the points we have covered thus far. From respecting one another and building boundaries, knowing what your partner agrees to and does not agree to is very important when respecting that person and building a healthy relationship. Consent does not just involve sexual experiences it can also encompass touching some physically (not sexual in nature), meeting each other’s family, going somewhere.

Although these guidelines for healthy relationships are written in a way that applies more to romantic relationships, these concepts of healthy relationships apply to all kinds of relationships. Whether it be with friends, parents, siblings, or extended family members healthy relationships can be made and maintained with anyone in your life. If you are not sure if you are having a healthy relationship with someone, take a minute to thinks about these guidelines. Are there boundaries in this relationship? Are you being respected? Are there lines of healthy communication? If not maybe it is time to sit down and make these ideas a reality or maybe seek further help from a professional. 

 By Bailey McConnell, MHCI

Resources

Roffey, S. (2017). Learning healthy relationships. In Positive Psychology Interventions in 

Practice (pp. 163-181). Springer, Cham.

What do healthy relationships look like? New York State. (2022, February 9). Retrieved from https://www.ny.gov/teen-dating-violence-awareness-and-prevention/what-does-healthy-relationship-look 

Book an appointment with Bailey McConnell, MHCI:

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/BaileyMcConnellMFTI

3 Way to Help Your Anxious Child

Watching your child struggle with anxiety can be heartbreaking and leave parents feeling lost and helpless about how to help their child. On top of feeling helpless, as the anxiety grows, you may find that you are sacrificing more and more to lessen its effects on your child. The good news is that anxiety is treatable and there are things parents can do to help their kids overcome it. 

Here are three tips for helping your child through their anxiety:

1. Don’t avoid it

   • Anxiety grows bigger and stronger when we allow it to tell us what we can and cannot do. It might relieve the distress and uncomfortable feelings for a day, but it only reinforces the idea that avoiding what makes someone anxious is the only way to overcome it.

   • For many parents, when their child is in distress, their natural instinct is to try to help their child by taking what is causing that distress away. When dealing with anxiety, it makes sense why encouraging a child to face their fears and subjecting them to discomfort is counterintuitive for a lot of parents. However, supporting your child through doing scary things and not helping them avoid what triggers their anxiety, only works to make the anxiety bigger.

1. Offer Support

• Another way to respond when your child’s anxiety shows up is to offer them support through it. Support in this sense involves two parts. First, acknowledge what your child is feeling. Let them know that you see it is hard for them and empathize with what they are going through. Second, instill confidence in them that no matter what happens you know they will get through it. We may not be able to assure them that everything will be okay but they can make it through the hard feelings.

• If your child is suffering from severe anxiety and is not ready to face their fears, start small and introduce them to the idea that avoidance only makes the anxiety worse. Starting a conversation with them about how they think they should start facing the anxiety is a great way to get them involved.

1. Find a therapist

• Finding a therapist who is CBT informed can make a huge difference in the life of an anxious child or teen. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy allows a child to be gradually exposed to things that trigger their anxiety in a safe setting. Children can also learn techniques for identifying their anxious feelings and valuable coping skills for when they come up.

• Therapists can also work with parents to focus on behavioral changes that parents can make to increase their child’s tolerance to anxiety. Parents and therapists work to gradually decrease accommodations that the family may be making that are not only making the anxiety bigger, but may also be causing a lot of stress to the family as a whole.

By Amanda Kohl, MCHI

SCHEDULE AN APPOINTMENT with Amanda Kohl, MCHI: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/AmandaKohlMHCI

9 Tips for Successful Compromise

Have you ever found yourself in the middle of a conflict with someone and it feels like nothing is getting resolved? When people have different desires, they'll often try to compromise. But sometimes when we compromise, we don't actually focus on what we NEED. In this article I'm going to share some tips on how you can successfully negotiate compromises so that both parties needs are met.

First of all, it's important to remember that compromise doesn't mean both people will get exactly what they want. Both parties need to be willing to make changes in order for the negotiation process to work out well. If someone isn't open-minded enough about making compromises then you'll just end up fighting over who gets their way and nothing will get resolved. According to John Gottman, two opposing forces creates gridlocked issues. The main point of compromise is that you'll be happy with the final result, even if it's not exactly what either party originally wanted.

Here are 9 tips for successfully negotiating compromises:

Tip #01: Know what you want. This may seem like a no-brainer, but it's important to be clear about what you want in any situation. If both parties know exactly what their needs are then it'll be easier to brainstorm collaboratively to come up with a solution that works for everyone.

Tip #02: Continue to create clarity to ask for what you want. Just as importantly, don't be afraid to ask the other person for what they want. This will help create an open dialogue and show that both parties are willing to work together.

Tip #03: Stay Attuned and present. Don't make assumptions about what the other person needs. We often make assumptions about what the other person wants, and this can lead to misunderstandings. It's important to clarify what the other person is asking for so that there isn't any confusion.

Tip #04: Take responsibility for your part in the conflict. Don't be defensive. As soon as you become defensive, it becomes very difficult to negotiate anything. Try to stay calm and open-minded, even if the other person is being difficult. The antidote to defensiveness is taking some responsibility and accepting influence from others.

Tip #05: Soften your start-up and begin the conversation from a neutral standpoint. Don't be confrontational. This goes along with Tip #04 - don't try to force the other person to see things your way. It's important to maintain a positive and constructive dialogue, even if it's challenging at times. Continually regulate your emotions and self sooth during the conversation to avoid becoming emotionally flooded.

Tip #06: Listen actively. This is one of the most important things you can do in any negotiation. If you're not actively listening to what the other person is saying, then you won't be able to understand their perspective and come up with a resolution that works for everyone.

Tip #07: Listen without interrupting. Along the same lines, don't interrupt the other person while they're speaking. This will make it difficult for the conversation to move forward in a constructive way.

Tip #08: Hold space and try to simply understand your partner. Don't feel like you have to be right all of the time. If both people are open-minded about change, then there's no reason why you can't find an appropriate solution that works for both parties.

Tip #09: Be flexible and willing to compromise. When you're negotiating compromises, remember that if one person is inflexible the negotiation process won't work out well for anyone. Being open-minded about making changes will help resolve conflicts quickly so everyone can get needs met.

Family Counseling: Communication Skills to Meet Everyone’s Needs

Nonviolent Communication and the Impact of Mediation

“Our ability to offer empathy can allow us to stay vulnerable, defuse potential violence, help us hear the word ‘no’ without taking it as a rejection, revive lifeless conversation, and even hear the feelings and needs expressed through silence.”

– Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD.

What is the impact of mediation and what is the role NVC plays?

Mediation, also known as conflict resolution, is the process of helping to resolve a conflict. Usually someone not involved in the conflict plays the role of mediator.

Conflicts can be scary, not only because of the threat of violence, but also due to other potential consequences such as emotional disconnection or missed opportunities.

Conflict can be especially unnerving when you don’t have the tools, skills, experience — and therefore the confidence — to de-escalate, reduce tensions, and bring the conflict to a resolution.

When conflicts are not handled well the results include emotional distancing and resentments, and in the worst of circumstances people die as a result.

There are many methods and modalities for resolving conflicts. For example, one common modality is known as interest-based mediation, in which there is a distinction made between “interests” and “positions.” A position is defined as a rigid strategy, an approach around which one of the parties has become inflexible. Interests focus on what is important, keeping in mind that there may be several ways to satisfy an interest.

Nonviolent Communication focuses on needs-basedmediation. In other words, what an NVC-informed mediator has the opportunity to do is to go deeper than interests to the Universal Human Needs. The reason this is so helpful is that interests are not universal, but needs are! Most any human can relate to any of the Universal Human Needs, whereas interests could be very personal and specific.

When you can distill any conflict to the underlying needs it’s easier for each person to see the other’s humanity since we all share the same needs.

Below is a simple graphic showing needs and strategies along a spectrum. You can roughly think of it as going from more universal to less, as you go from left to right. “The Need” — at the very left of the graphic — refers to what some people call God, Love, Great Spirit, The Great Mystery, Life, and other names. From there, we see Universal Human Needs, followed by values. One thing to note is that, while values are important to us and deeply held, they are not universal! The same is true for interests.

The key differentiation in NVC that is most relevant here is that of needs vs strategies.

Strategies are critically important because they are the ways we go about meeting needs.

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, founder of NVC, used to say that conflicts cannot happen at the level of needs (because we all have the same needs), and that they only happen at the level of strategies. This is why separating the needs from the strategies is so valuable. Once we can distinguish the two we might find multiple strategies that could meet the same set of needs.

For example, when you consider your need for safety and protection, one possible strategy is to go out and meet all your neighbors. This strategy would be in support of your needs for safety and protection. Let’s say another neighbor also connects to the same needs, but their chosen strategy is to buy firearms to protect themselves; it’s the same need — totally different strategy. Another neighbor buys two very scary looking dogs, another neighbor buys an alarm system — and so forth.

One of the lessons here is that for any set of needs, there could be 100, 1000 or 10,000 strategies!

An NVC mediator will help people understand their own and each other’s deeper needs and values and facilitate the co-creation of strategies that can meet the most needs for the most people.

Compromise vs win-win

When working to resolve a conflict many mediators work toward some kind of compromise. NVC would say that if “compromise” is as far as you can get, then at least that’s better than conflict. But NVC does notaim for compromise! Why? Because most people’s definition of compromise means that each person gives up something important, or gives in to the other person, in order to “meet in the middle.” This often leads to less-than-satisfying outcomes as well as resistance and sometimes resentment. Compromise is sometimes experienced as “lose-lose” — whereas NVC aims for “win-win” also known as mutually satisfying solutions.

Because of Nonviolent Communication’s clarity of separating needs and strategies, it is usually possible to find strategies that meet all the needs of the people involved.

Co-created, mutually-satisfying outcomes are more effective and durable than decisions imposed by others or arrived at hastily without an understanding of the needs.

A seasoned NVC practitioner can see this distinction clearly, and will be flexible on the strategies while staying connected to and looking out for their needs. It almost doesn’t matter what the strategy is as long as the needs themselves are fulfilled.

An NVC-trained mediator will also help and encourage their clients to do the same: stay connected to and protect their needs even while being as flexible as possible — even creative — with regard to the strategies.

When a mediation is most successful, the impact is a path forward through which everyone’s needs can be met peacefully, trust is re-built, and friendships and alliances can be restored.

How NVC Skills are Helpful During a Mediation

How are NVC skills helpful during a mediation?

An NVC-trained mediator can ensure that each person in the conflict gets the empathy they need ahead of a mediation session. This results in each person having greater connection with their feelings, needs, and potential requests — as well as coming into the session with a lower emotional charge!

NVC skills also help a mediator do self-care during a very intense mediation, usually in the form of self-empathy.

An NVC-trained mediator will be able to skillfully handle any judgments that emerge in order to walk people through their conflict situation toward a resolution.

During the mediation, NVC skills help the parties hear and understand each other in a deeper way, and can facilitate their co-creation of a solution.

When the parties to a mediation themselves have NVC skills it can be a game-changer for many similar reasons. During the mediation they can give themselves self-empathy, they will more easily access empathy for the other party, and will know how to express themselves in a clear, powerful, constructive, and compassionate way.

Helping people know their feelings and needs better, supporting the creation of mutual understanding, and facilitating people in co-creating their own durable, mutually-satisfying outcomes — these are just some of the ways in which NVC skills can be helpful during a mediation.

The Right Time to Seek Mediation Services

What is the right time to seek mediation services?

The best time to seek third party support in a conflict is when it is still small, before things escalate. This is when most people think they can manage their conflict on their own, and so the tendency is to “go it alone” and not seek support.

Once a conflict has escalated, most people don’t have the skills to handle it effectively.

So that would be the next best time to seek mediation services: when you can’t, on your own, bring the conflict to a resolution.

Another indicator that it might be time to look for an outside mediator is if you are not able to access empathy for the other person. It is unlikely that a conflict will resolve itself under these circumstances.

These are some indicators that it would be the “right time” to seek mediation services.

Family Mediation and Resolving Conflicts

Families are the foundation of society. They help you form, as a child, your sense of safety, the world, relationships, how to relate to money, how to belong and fit in, and more. Families are SO important!

And at the same time, the pattern is that our closest relationships are the most challenging ones!

Why is this? It can be for different reasons in different situations, but generally, we have more emotionally invested in those relationships and often our expectations are higher. It’s also easier to create a static image in your mind of who you think a person is when you’ve known them a long time. This also means that it can be difficult to have others trust that you have grown, improved, or changed if they have a static image in their mind of who you are. Unfortunately this happens often in close, family relationships.

Many families resist support for the conflicts they experience. There may be shame, embarrassment, a desire to appear like everything is fine which often comes from needs for belonging and acceptance. And some families have the story “we don’t air our dirty laundry in public” — which misses the point that mediation is usually private and confidential.

This resistance often leads to families isolating which frequently results in exacerbating the underlying issues that led to the conflict in the first place.

There is a dangerous myth in many Western cultures, and particularly in the US, that says, I must go it alone. This gets extended to couples and families who then decide to forgo opportunities for vital support.

The opportunity is to notice that couples and families exist in the context of community, and to avail yourself of all the resources you need to move forward in a healthy and positive way.

The process itself of mediating in a family is the same as it is in most settings. Here is a simplified version:

Person A: Speaks their honesty
Person B: Reflects back their understanding
Person A: Confirms being understood
Person B: Speaks their honesty
Person A: Reflects back their understanding
Person B: Confirms being understood
Back to the top

A skilled mediator will help each of the parties hear each other and deepen their mutual understanding. Then, from that foundation, a mediator will facilitate their co-creation of strategies that could meet all the needs.

Even before getting an outside mediator, it’s critically important that adults in a family do not use the children either as mediators or to get empathy!

It creates a lot of distress for children to be placed in an emotional support role among adults! Each adult must have at least one person outside the relationship or the family where they can have an empathic outlet. In some cases this could be the mediator themselves. In other cases, you can reach out to a trusted family friend who will stay neutral, or a counselor or therapist.

This is another advantage of placing your relationship and your family in a larger community context: more resources for support and more support in general.

These are a few tips and pointers on family mediation and conflict resolution.

Divorce Mediation and the Importance of Reaching a Resolution Nonviolently

Childhood trauma from high-conflict divorces is quite commonplace in the United States — and the effects are devastating for children.

To be clear, there is a world of difference between a high conflict divorce (HCD) and a low conflict divorce (LCD).

In divorce situations, children are negatively affected by:

• Any insinuation that it’s their fault,

• Yelling, shouting, and verbal insults,

• Physical violence including objects being thrown,

• Parents talking poorly about the other parent in front of them or behind their back — and all other ways in which parents undermine the child’s trust in or care for the other parent.

Low conflict divorces can be very different.

In many cases people divorce because they have grown apart, or have decided they each want different things. This in itself does not need to be a source of conflict!

It’s possible to allow relationships to transition with care and integrity — with each person getting to the point that they understand the others’ needs and are able to co-create mutually agreeable strategies.

After all, Western cultures have been redefining relationships since the 1960s — and have not yet arrived at a stable cultural replacement for what makes sense to everyone.

For example, much of the culture defines the success of a relationship by the longevity or duration of that relationship — particularly if people stay together until one of them dies. This definition includes couples who live basically as housemates — perhaps they don’t even talk to or like each other — but because they were together for decades until one of them died it’s considered a successful relationship!

Is it possible to get divorced and keep your family together? Alan Rafael Seid, one of the CNVC Certified Trainers with whom we work, has provided this link to an audio in which he tells the story of his NVC separation and divorce. Alan and his wife successfully transitioned their relationship from “husband” and “wife” to “friends and joyful co-parents.” You can listen to his story here.

If you are considering or are in a divorce, another resource for you could be the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals (IACP): https://www.collaborativepractice.com/
One note about the IACP is that they are aware of NVC but it is not core to what they do.

You can also read our article on NVC and Divorce.

Marshall Rosenberg and Mediation

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg understood that conflicts have the potential to bring us together, to understand each other more deeply, and to lead to solutions of mutual benefit.

He also understood the limitations of trying to mediate or resolve a conflict when you are under-resourced.

He told a story about the dangers of not getting enough empathy.

Dr. Rosenberg was leading a series of trainings in Israel and Palestine, and his Palestinian friend was also serving as his interpreter and driver.

One day, after visiting the holocaust museum in Israel, they were crossing the Israel-Palestine border. Dr. Rosenberg recounted that he had been profoundly shaken by his experience at the museum. As they were crossing the border the guards were pleasant enough to him, but when he saw a guard treat his friend roughly he reacted at the armed Israeli soldier with some intensity: “Get your hands off of him!” In that instance, Dr. Rosenberg’s Palestinian friend and interpreter immediately began offering empathy to the soldier: “I understand that you have a stressful job and it must be very tense…”

After getting through the border without further incident, Marshall reflected on how he had been in an empathy deficit after the holocaust museum and had not realized it. Under normal circumstances he would have handled things differently, but his level of unattended pain meant he was under-resourced and more on edge.

This provides a great lesson for those of us in conflict or who help others with their conflicts.

Whether you are a mediator or a party to a mediation, it can be a valuable investment to enter a session well-resourced: well-rested, hydrated, fed, and having received as much empathy as necessary or possible before a conflict mediation session.

Content by PuddleDancer Press. Use of content okay with attribution. Please visitwww.nonviolentcommunication.comto learn more about Nonviolent Communication.

Outward Signs of Childhood Anxiety

It is not unusual for children to sometimes feel anxious. When starting a new school, a child might worry about making friends, or a young child might be afraid of the dark. However, if the anxiety a child experiences turns into something more serious like an anxiety disorder, it may begin to interfere with many areas of their life and their family’s lives. Children do not always have the language to express what they are feeling and even though they are being impacted by the anxiety, parents may not realize that anxiety is what they are dealing with.

Anxiety is internal and can consume a child’s thoughts which can make it even more difficult to identify. It can be expressed outwardly though, and knowing the outward signs can help you more easily identify if anxiety is something your child may struggle with. Below are just a few outward signs that may suggest your child is dealing with anxiety:

Physical signs –

· Frequent stomachaches or headaches

· Refusing to eat lunch at school

· Fidgety or distracted (without ADHD)

· Trouble sleeping

· Constantly tenses muscles

Emotional Signs –

· Frequent crying

· Very sensitive

· Worries about things that are far in the future

· Frequent nightmares about losing loved ones

· May have explosive outbursts

· Excessive need for reassurance and approval

Behavioral Signs –

· Avoids joining classroom activities

· Has meltdowns or tantrums

· Avoids social situations with other kids

· Asks “what if?” constantly

· Clingy around parents and caregivers

· Remains silent when expected to work with others

· Inability to speak in certain social situations

It is difficult to watch your child struggle and it can affect your entire family’s routines and interactions but there are evidence-based treatments like CBT that help children cope with the distressing emotions they feel and learn how to regulate themselves. Over time, therapy also helps kids learn that they can tolerate feeling anxious.

Understanding what anxiety is can help you find the best solution to help your child. If you think your child is dealing with anxiety, a mental health professional can help determine whether the symptoms are temporary responses to a difficult situation or if the symptoms are related to an anxiety disorder.

By: Amanda Kohl, MCHI

Resources

Why childhood anxiety often goes undetected (and the consequences). Child Mind Institute. (2021, August 17). Retrieved February 14, 2022, from https://childmind.org/article/detecting-childhood-anxiety/

Wright, L. W. (2022, February 4). Signs of anxiety in young kids. Understood. Retrieved February 14, 2022, from https://www.understood.org/articles/en/anxiety-signs-young-children

SCHEDULE AN APPOINTMENT with Amanda Kohl, MCHI: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/AmandaKohlMHCI

LOVE IS NOT OUT OF OUR CONTROL: The Science of Love and the Power of Intimacy

Popular culture and mass media’s influence on how we conceptualize love creates a grossly unrealistic expectation. We’re all too familiar with the cliché Disney princess or Hallmark protagonist “happening” upon their soul mate. Their connection is portrayed as an intangible energetic exchange that cannot be explained. Not only are these stories idealistic, but they tend to only display heteronormative relationships and fail to represent diversity in relationships. These tales suggest we ought to just to sit on our hands and wait for love to happen to us. Finally, these narratives assume love is an instantaneous “love at first sight.” Feelings of attraction, affection, and desire can certainly occurs instantly but for anyone who has experienced true intimacy they know that tending to the garden of love takes time. Maria Popova’s article The Science of Love, poses alternative ideas about what love really is. Following is a summary of her key points, but I encourage you to read the full article as it might just enhance your love life. 

Popova acknowledges that Love is an emotion, as it is inherently pleasurable and can feel like a comforting hug for the heart. Like other emotions, love literally changes the brain. Love, however, is distinct from other emotions because it is relationally shared. It is created by connection having less to do with a private feeling but more so the interchange between you and the other. For example, you can say “I am afraid” and that feeling solely belongs to you, but this is not the case with love. Popova says: 

“Love expands your awareness of your surroundings, even your sense of self. The boundaries between you and not-you — what lies beyond your skin — relax and become more permeable. While infused with love you see fewer distinctions between you and others. Indeed, your ability to see others — really see them, wholeheartedly — springs open. Love can even give you a palpable sense of oneness and connection, a transcendence that makes you feel part of something far larger than yourself.” 

Popova explains that love is a unique emotion. It can transcend self and make one feel connected to something bigger and more meaningful, but these micro-moments of love can be fleeting! What do we do then when we aren’t “infused with love” and the feeling fades? What is the love that we have the power to create and can weather the storms of life? INTIMACY. 

“The hallmark feature of intimacy is mutual responsiveness, that reassuring sense that you and your lover — or you and your best friend — really ‘get’ each other. This means that you come to your interactions with a well-developed understanding of each other’s inner workings, and you use that privileged knowledge thoughtfully, for each other’s benefit. Intimacy is that safe and comforting feeling you get when you can bask in the knowledge that this other person truly understands and appreciates you. You can relax in this person’s presence and let your guard down. Your mutual sense of trust, perhaps reinforced by your commitments of loyalty to each other, allows each of you to be more open with each other than either of you would be elsewhere.” 

Who doesn’t long for that? But developing intimacy takes time. It grows over time from intentional actions, active listening, and attunement to the needs of you and your partner. Humans are wired to crave instant gratification and quick fixes so it’s not always easy. It is completely understandable that we become dissatisfied when the sparks fade, and the honeymoon period ends. It can feel impossible to muster the motivation to build (or rebuild) intimacy especially in cases of betrayal or chronic exhaustion from constant arguing over finances...the kids…household duties… etc. Sometimes, it doesn’t seem worth the trouble, but humans are also wired for connection and love. Research suggest that remaining in an unhappy partnership can increase health risks, depression, and cause other adverse effects. Choosing to stay stagnant is costly, yet there is hope for true intimacy. 

We have learned that love is not out of our control or merely a fleeting feeling, it is something we can create. Every hour a couple spends in therapy or working on their relationship is an hour closer to the benefits of love and intimacy (and the benefits are many). Therapy provides a safe space to learn how to change dysfunctional patters, explore your partner, and gain effective tools to use throughout the week. The therapist acts as a mediator and guide skillfully directing the conversation towards healing rather than repeating the cycle of blame and misunderstanding. It is completely possible, over time, to become friends and lovers once again. It is possible to heal relational wounds and truly forgive one another. Imagine what it would be like to no longer feel completely unseen, alone, and like a victim. Imagine waking up with hope and anticipation for your partner. Spend some time meditating, journaling, or even just imagining what you want in your relationship. If you and your partner choose to begin the journey towards intimacy the pleasurable feelings of love will return: like a warm hug for the heart. 

Shaundra McGuire

Shaundra is a compassionate supervised therapist providing skilled counseling to teens and adults with various diagnosis. She has provided trauma counseling to survivors of sexual violence and is experienced in treating eating disorders as well as facilitating marriage and family therapy. Using a multidimensional approach Shaundra’s passion is to join hands with her clients in achieving health and healing. Both In-Person sessions (Mondays and Tuesdays) and Virtual sessions are available.

Shaundra McGuire, MFTI 813-298-8905 Shaundra1@usf.edu  PsychologyToday Profile:  https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/shaundra-mcguire-tampa-fl/930496  Book With Shaundra: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ShaundraMcguireMFTI  Virtual Visits: https://doxy.me/shaundra