How to cultivate a positive mindset for active aging

Last month Supervised Therapist Kaitlin Lowey was featured on WFLA TV’s Bloom. She dispelled stereotypes about aging and provided tips on how to foster a positive mindset and stay active as we age. You can view the full segment here. Below is a summary of the clip. 

https://www.wfla.com/video/mindset-active-aging/8430170/

Exercising our minds and bodies, staying socially connected, and living with purpose are all connected to longer, more fulfilling lives as we age and reach retirement age. But given the stereotypes about aging that pervade Western cultures, it can be difficult to overcome doubts about staying active, healthy, and engaged as we get older. 

So, how do we cultivate a positive mindset for active aging? 

• Reject the stereotypes about aging

• There are a lot of misconceptions about aging in America – false ideas like as people age, they are doomed to poor health, cognitive decline, and general decline in life satisfaction. These are myths. (And as part of a generation with parents entering this phase of life, I’m passionate about dispelling these myths.) 

• The truth is that subjective well-being increases with age, and we see a jump in subjective well-being around age 50, and this persists until the very oldest stage of life. 

• Why? One explanation is that as we age we become more emotionally stable. We’re better able to handle stress and weather storms with hard-earned wisdom. 

• Another reason may be that, contrary to the myth that older adults become more set in their ways, older adults actually report more openness to the future. 

• In addition, older adults report more satisfaction in their social relationships. 

• And finally, as we age we care less and less about what people think! There is freedom in this. 

• All of this is important to remember because a 2022 study from Harvard revealed that people with more positive attitudes about getting older tend to live longer and healthier lives than those with negative perceptions. 

• Be intentional about connecting to purpose and people 

• Having a purpose gives our lives meaning. We spend so much time planning for retirement, that it’s easy to forget to plan the retirement itself! Consider the legacy you want to leave behind in this new chapter. Is the purpose of this chapter to teach others, spend more time connecting with loved ones, building a new skill you’ve always wanted to try? There are so many exciting possibilities for projects that align with your values. 

• Post-retirement years are also a great time to join a club and get involved in a community organization. 

• Make a plan for exercise 

• Research shows that exercising regularly has immense physical, emotional, and cognitive benefits – especially in our older years. But we’re not always motivated to do it. The key is to make a plan for when you’ll exercise and also make a plan for how you’ll respond if you don’t feel like it.

• For instance, you could tell yourself you’ll just try exercising for a few minutes and see how it goes. Chances are, you’ll find the motivation to do more. You can also take a moment to envision all the benefits you will get from exercising to create the kinds of positive feelings that then lead to motivation. 

• Another great way to stay motivated is by recruiting your friends and family members to exercise with you or help keep each other accountable.  

• Finally, fit activity into your lifestyle. Take the stairs. Park in the back of the parking lot. Take the dog for a long walk. These small moments of activity add up. 

• Cultivate gratitude, openness, and curiosity

• Research shows that the number one factor happy people have in common is gratitude. Actively noticing and being thankful for the small things in life can give you the boost you need to maintain a positive mindset.

• Make use of that openness you’re experiencing. Lean into it. Get curious about what’s out there waiting for you in your retirement years. Who knows if you’re the next budding photographer, master’s high jumper, or champion pickleball player.

To Book with Kaitlin Lowey: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/KaitlinLowey

How to get unhooked from difficult thoughts and emotions with ACT

By: Kaitlin Lowey, MHCI

You’ve likely heard the phrase uttered by Benjamin Franklin, “...in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.” As a mental health professional (and fellow human being), I would add one other inevitability: experiencing uncomfortable thoughts and emotions. 

“I’m not good enough.” “It’s breaking my heart.” “I totally freeze.” “Something feels off in my gut.” “What is wrong with me?” “I feel depressed.” “I’m so scared.” “What if I get it wrong?” “Do they actually like me?” “Why did I say that?” “What if I fail?” “What if I end up alone?”

Our difficult thoughts and emotions are 100% normal.

Many psychologists and counselors, especially those practicing Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), would argue that experiencing such thoughts and emotions is just part of being a human. In fact, emotions like anxiety serve a purpose – they protect us from threats (like a charging lion or a dimly-lit alley). Uncomfortable emotions only become a problem when they show up in non-adaptive ways and stick around long past when they’ve served their purpose – in other words, when the degree of emotion we feel outsizes the actual threat. Our emotional responses are both innate (such as fear of snakes) and learned (such as fear of touching a hot stove). Some emotional wounds experienced in childhood, particularly those related to relationships, can continue to impact our emotional responses well into adulthood. 

So, what do our minds do when we experience these emotions? They view the emotion as a problem to be solved – to be gotten rid of. Again, the mind’s problem-solving nature is normal. It’s how humans have survived and adapted for thousands of years. For instance, humans built homes to shelter us from animals and the elements. We created the wheel to transport objects more easily. We even invented the remote control to save us from the inconvenience of having to move to turn up the volume on the TV. Our brains are hard-wired to problem-solve, and that’s usually a great thing! However, it’s not so great when our brains’ well-intentioned but ill-fated attempts to get rid of uncomfortable feelings only makes those feelings stronger. 

So, what happens when our emotional response and our problem-solving are both operating on overdrive? Russ Harris, the author of ACT made simple: An easy-to-read primer on acceptance and commitment therapy, describes the effect as getting hooked. Getting hooked means our brains automatically label the thoughts as a threat, something we have to act on, or something requiring all of our attention (what ACT theorists call cognitive fusion). We may do everything in our power to get rid of them (what ACT theorists call experiential avoidance). In addition, we might start to fuse these thoughts with our self-concept (e.g., If I keep thinking I’m bad, then I must be a terrible person.) We can also lose contact with the present moment, instead narrowing our focus on the thing that’s making us uncomfortable, disconnecting from our experience, or disengaging. Ultimately, we can lose sight of our values (what we care about and want out of our lives) and instead attempt and reattempt the same ineffective strategies to gain control over our thoughts and feelings. In other words, we use just about every strategy we can to banish our discomfort. This might look like denial, obsessively ruminating on whether or not our thoughts and feelings are true, procrastinating, engaging in addictive substances, and other attempts to control and escape. 

The problem with these strategies is that they are not likely to work. Not only do they not solve our emotional discomfort in the long run – they actually move us away from the kind of life we want to lead. And to top it all off, they often result in a spiral of shame and self-loathing. It’s a vicious cycle. 

At this point, I want to pause and remind readers that it’s not our fault our brains are wired this way – it’s extremely normal and entirely human! And, once we accept this, we can begin to make changes that help our minds work for us, instead of against us.  

So, what’s a human to do? And how can ACT help?

ACT proposes an alternate strategy (with many concepts borrowed from Yogic and Zen principles) to deal with our emotionally uncomfortable thoughts and feelings: accepting them. What if, instead of fighting our emotions and accompanying thoughts, we accepted them for what they are: our bodies’ and minds’ attempts to protect us? What if, instead of living our lives constantly running away from our discomfort, we were able to view our discomfort as separate from ourselves, accept that feeling discomfort is normal in the situation we are in, and make choices that are workable and that move us in the direction we want? In other words, what if we were able to get unhooked?

Several tools from ACT can help us unhook from uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. For instance, mindfulness strategies work to reduce emotional intensity by enabling us to attend to our emotions and the present moment with compassion and acceptance. They can also get us into the habit of viewing our thoughts and emotions as things we are experiencing in this moment, rather than the absolute truth or indicative of who we are. 

One of my favorite ACT tools involves the concept of workability versus absolute truth. As Harris states, ACT isn’t interested in whether thoughts are true – the concept of truth could be endlessly debated. Instead, ACT is interested in whether our thoughts and what we do with them are workable. If a thought or a behavior is workable, it has worked for us in the past and/or is likely to work for us in the future. It will move us closer to our long-term goal. This is a simple question we can ask ourselves when we find ourselves getting hooked and in auto-problem-solving mode: is this thought or behavior workable? Or will it be ineffective or cause other problems? 

Finally, ACT asks us to get really clear on our values. What kinds of concepts (such as love, compassion, resilience, integrity, and authenticity, for example) do we want to guide our actions? If our problems did not exist, how would we operate? Once we know our values, we can endeavor to live in alignment with them. And living in alignment with our values results in less emotional discomfort, improved self-concept, and greater fulfillment. 

Who can benefit from ACT? 

Evidence shows that ACT can be effective for a myriad of mental health problems, including anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, depression, stress, phobias, chronic pain, addictions, and adjustment. But I believe that just about anyone can find usefulness in the approach. As Harris writes, 

“Who wouldn’t benefit from being more psychologically present; more in touch with their values; more able to make room for the inevitable pain of life; more able to defuse from unhelpful thoughts, beliefs and memories; more able to take effective action in the face of emotional discomfort; more able to engage fully in what they’re doing; and more able to appreciate each moment of their life, no matter how they’re feeling?” (Harris, p. 36) 

There is much more to ACT – more than can fit in this article. But I hope this post provides a basic understanding of how ACT can help us humans get unstuck and live a more meaningful, fulfilling life. 

By: Kaitlin Lowey, MHCI

Kaitlin joins her clients as they find relief, healing, hope, clarity, and transformation. She has helped individuals experiencing struggles with anxiety, stress, relationships, life changes, obsessive-compulsive disorder, intrusive thoughts, grief and loss, fertility and postpartum, motherhood and parenthood, athletic and career performance, perfectionism, identity, and self-worth. As an integrative therapist, Kaitlin collaborates with her clients to identify goals and choose research-supported therapeutic approaches that fit best. She offers in-person and online appointments.

Book with Kaitlin Lowey, MHCI here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/KaitlinLowey

Why anxiety is so hard to get rid of

By: Kaitlin Lowey, MHCI

Most people coming to therapy for anxiety have one goal: get rid of it. Anxiety is uncomfortable at best and debilitating at its worst, and it’s incessant. It can feel like the constant what ifs, watch outs, and you can’ts have taken over your mind. They don’t want to feel anxious, but they feel powerless against it. Some even feel defective – like something is wrong with them.

Here’s the thing: anxiety is often labeled as bad, but it’s not necessarily always a bad thing. I know, I know, it sounds counterintuitive – but hear me out. Anxiety plays a critical function in our lives. From an evolutionary perspective, anxiety was essential in pre-modern times. It told us to be on guard for possible bear attacks, poisonous berries, and other potentially life-threatening situations. Those who were vigilant and prepared for threats survived. 

Similarly, anxiety plays a protective role by helping us avoid real threats we’ve experienced in the past or have seen others experience. For instance, it tells us to use caution when driving in heavy traffic or prepare in advance for an important meeting. In other words, anxiety is an adaptive trait!

The problem is, anxiety can sometimes become overactive – like an overly-sensitive brain detector that goes off loudly at the slightest hint of possible danger. Why does this happen? Anxiety is associated with the oldest, most primal parts of the brain that are deeply connected with our body. Our body sends signals to our brain when it senses danger, and vice-versa. When anxiety is in high gear, we can’t reason with this part of the brain. It’s reactive and emotionally-driven. We enter flight, fight, or freeze mode – which is also referred to as being in a state of sympathetic nervous system engagement. When we are in this mode, our prefrontal cortex, which is the part of our brain associated with reasoning and executive functions, becomes less active or shuts down entirely. 

The question becomes, how do you get rid of your anxiety? 

There are many different schools of thought when it comes to addressing anxiety. These are just a few of the hundreds of therapeutic approaches, and the explanations are pared-down for brevity, but I hope they provide a high-level understanding.

A modern psychodynamic approach is based on uncovering unconscious thoughts and feelings contributing to the anxiety, and bringing them into awareness where they can be addressed. This often involves examining competing desires (such as the need for both freedom and closeness) as well as the influence of early experiences on expectations and beliefs. 

Humanistic counseling emphasizes the strength of client-therapist bond and puts the client in the driver’s seat. By reflecting the client’s thoughts and feelings with unconditional positive regard and acceptance, the counselor can help the client gain understanding and insight – and ultimately transform. 

In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), clients identify patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors associated with their anxiety – and the relationship between them. Then, they can enact a number of techniques to stop, reduce, or replace their unhelpful thoughts and learned behaviors with more helpful ones. 

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) was born out of CBT and has many similarities. However, the approach balances the behavioral change-focused aspects of CBT with acceptance of thoughts and emotions.

Using an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Approach, clients seek to accept that anxiety is a natural part of life and use a variety of strategies to “unhook” themselves from difficult thoughts and feelings. They also identify their values and identify strategies to move in the direction of their values and long-term goals. 

In exposure therapy, clients learn to reduce their fear response through slow, controlled, and measured exposure (either imagined or real) to the thing that scares them. This approach is often used to address OCD and phobias. 

What all of these approaches have in common is the belief that once we have greater insight into ourselves, we can help our minds work for us, instead of against us.  

So, what approach is best for you? The answer is, it depends. Therapy is not one-size-fits all. Different strokes work for different folks. And many counselors choose to take an integrative approach, where they pull tools from different theories, based on what will work best for each client. 

Individuals seeking treatment should talk with their mental health professional about their goals and collaborate with their provider to create a treatment plan that feels right. And remember – anxiety is a totally normal human experience. There’s nothing wrong with you! And there is hope. 

I am honored to have Kaitlin Lowey, MHCI as a colleague on our multidisciplinary team at South Tampa Therapy!

Kaitlin joins her clients as they find relief, healing, hope, clarity, and transformation. She has helped individuals experiencing struggles with anxiety, stress, relationships, life changes, obsessive-compulsive disorder, intrusive thoughts, grief and loss, fertility and postpartum, motherhood and parenthood, athletic and career performance, perfectionism, identity, and self-worth. As an integrative therapist, Kaitlin collaborates with her clients to identify goals and choose research-supported therapeutic approaches that fit best. She offers in-person and online appointments.

Book with Kaitlin Lowey, MHCI here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/KaitlinLowey

Five Therapy Skills to Help You Stop Overthinking

Overthinking is a learned thought pattern that exacerbates anxiety. Overthinking is exhausting. Although it feels helpful to continue thinking about the given problem or stressors it is ultimately unproductive. Over thinking and anxiety are not inherently wrong because the brain is wired to keep you safe and scan for evidence to validate perceived threats. However, overthinking becomes unhealthy when it causes anxiety and takes away from enjoying your life and acting according to your values. This post aims to help you identify your overthinking patterns and to provide you with tools to start reducing those patterns. 

Four Types of Overthinking: 

• • Rumination about the past

• • Worry about the Future

• • Over-analyzing decisions

• • Social Anxiety (for example: why did I say that? what did they think?)

OK, so let’s go through the skills!

One: Noticing and naming 

We are often not aware of our thought patterns, so we need to get skilled at identifying our thinking. Start intentionally becoming aware of overthinking and when you notice it simply saying, “I am overthinking.” You could also ask a loved one or therapist to call you out when they notice you’re overthinking.  

You can also learn your triggers by observing when you start to ruminate. What time of day? What people or situations get your brain going haywire? If you are struggling to notice your overthinking, you could set an alarm on your phone every hour and check to see if you are ruminating or how much you have been ruminating that hour. At this point you can begin tracking it, so you have data to use as your start point on your journey towards overcoming overthinking patterns. 

Two: Setting Limits on Overthinking

Now that you’ve become aware of your overthinking and are addressing your triggers you can start postponing or scheduling times to ruminate. This sounds counter intuitive but setting these limits sends the message to your brain to stop nagging you because you WILL address it. It teaches you that you have some influence over your worry. When you’re just starting out it is a good practice to schedule “worry time” each day for one month. You could schedule 30 minutes, for example, every day to address your worries. After those 30 minutes you can purposefully go back to what’s important to you. 

It is important to try and never worry in your head. You could write it down, record a voice memo, or video on your phone or computer. The point is to get it out of your head. Other tools you could try are writing a pros and cons list or using a brain dump. Scheduling worry shows your brain there’s a time and place for worry.  

Three: Attention Shifting 

Our brains are thought producing machines constantly sending us thoughts throughout the day. The good thing is we do not have to attach to or internalize every automatic thought. There is a deeper you underneath your thoughts. You are the referee. You can learn to separate yourself from your thoughts so that you can choose which thoughts you will buy into and which ones you won’t. You can start separating from your thoughts by practicing mindfulness or cognitive diffusion skills. 

Visualization is also a great tool. Try viewing your thoughts like channels on a TV. When you notice you’re on the worry channel visualize clicking the remote to change channels. This might look like shifting from fearing all the things you can’t control to focusing on thinking or doing one thing you can. This is a form of shifting focus and putting your attention on thoughts that better serve you. 

Another skill is turning your attention away from worry and towards the present moment.  This shift is from inward to outward. In any given situation when you are worrying you can return to what is directly around you. 

What can you see? Hear? Touch? Smell? What people can you look at? What are you feeling inside your body? Can you feel your breath?

Beyond your worry there is a world right there outside of you. The more you practice these skills the easier they become. 

Four: Learn to shift from Abstract thinking to Concrete Thinking

Oftentimes overthinking is aggravated by an unhelpful thought pattern called Over-generalization. Over-generalizations keep us thinking abstractly versus concretely. For example, “why can’t I ever get my needs met.” This type of thinking leads to self-loathing and helplessness. So, try and Avoid WHY questions “Why can’t I ever get better? why do I always do this? why do I overthink so much?” These questions do not lead to anything actionable, so we need to shift from why to what questions. For example, “what is one small thing I can do today for my mental health?” Instead of asking “Why can’t I ever succeed at relationships” you could ask “what is one relationship skill I can work on.” Once you are aware of your overthinking, have set boundaries on when you will worry, and have begun to separate from believing all your thoughts it is important you ask what questions. It is far more effective to pick one step to work on than to catastrophize and ponder the why’s of your life and your situation. 

Five: Shift from overthinking to your values

Before you can stop overthinking, you must know what you do want more of in your life. Instead of thinking, “I do not want to overthink” it might be helpful to try thinking “what do I want in my life.” Avoidance increases anxiety in the long run so instead of distracting (or avoiding) your unhelpful thoughts try shifting your thoughts toward exploring what you really care about. What is most important to you right now? What do you want your life to be about? Overthinking tends to isolate and decrease the vastness of one’s world. Getting clear on your values and what you want out of life is one step to reverse the withdrawing nature of anxiety. I hope these tools helped you. If you would like more support in overcoming your overthinking, feel free to book a free consultation with me. 

https://shaundratherapyandwellness.squarespace.com/contact 

Warmly, 

Shaundra McGuire, MHCI  

Tips to Ease the Transition to Parenthood for Couples:

Brining a baby home is the start of an exciting, yet sometimes overwhelming, new chapter for a couple. It’s a chance for both partners to grow in their relationship as they discover new ways of creating shared meaning and goals for the whole family. These changes can sometimes feel uncomfortable and create conflict within the romantic relationship. Research shows that there is often a dip in relationship satisfaction during the first three years of the transition to parenthood. Babies are messy and they can disrupt the stability and balance that couples create in their romantic relationship. Becoming aware of the common challenges that new parents face will better equip you for the messy journey ahead.

Here are some common challenges that couples’ face when bringing baby home:

Differences in Parenting Styles:

Bringing a baby home means that a new set of rules, expectations, and boundaries are needed to be created to account for this third person coming into the relationship. Couples sometimes disagree on what these rules should look like, which is often when conflict arises. Perhaps your partner wishes to try the “cry-it-out” method, and you have a different vision of how you want to handle the nighttime routine. Learning how to navigate these disagreements and reach a point of compromise is an important skill for new parents to develop. One method that has been proven to help, is implementing an “empathetic dialogue”. This means listening to understand your partner’s point of view, before offering a different approach. Try to see if you can understand why your partner feels and believes in a certain parenting style, and where that belief may stem from. Once you each have a better understanding of each other’s worlds, then you can open the door for a discussion of creating a “compromised” parenting style that feels right for both parents. It's important to note that couples' disagreements on parenting styles is very common and very normal. It highlights the parent’s desire to do what they believe is best for their child, which is a positive thing. Being open to the influence of a partner and your willingness to create shared family rules are two helpful tools in navigating this transition.

Intimacy changes:

Many couples struggle with exhaustion, sleep deprivation, and low sex-drive during this transition period. The demands the new baby brings on the couple can be exhausting, and the romantic relationship may fall on the backburner to make time for new parenting responsibilities. It’s important to create an open conversation about expectations for intimacy. Which includes more than just sex. Intimacy can come in many forms such as hand holding, cuddling, kissing, back scratches, etc. Find out the different ways your partner likes to experience intimacy, and workshop how the two of you can find little moments in your daily life to foster that connection. It’s crucial that you avoid criticism or judgment in the conversations about intimacy. Partners may be coming from very different places with individual struggles and concerns. Be patient with your partner and yourself during this transition. If you are concerned that you or your partner may take sexual rejection personally, it’s important to discuss these concerns openly. Have a conversation about how you can approach when one partner is “not feeling up to it” so that it does not lead to hurt feelings of rejection or misunderstanding on either side.

         The transition to parenthood is a huge shift with inevitable challenges along the way. It is completely normal for couples to struggle with issues surrounding parenting styles, marital expectations, finances, household chores, and more. Although it may feel overwhelming at first, it is possible to create shared family goals, values, and rules that both parents are satisfied with. If you’re struggling with this transition and interested in learning more, book an appointment today for the research based Gottman technique “Bringing Baby Home”.

Written by Jamie Rudden

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/JamieRuddenMFTI

https://southtampacounselor.com/bringing-baby-home

Suicide Awareness and Assessing Signs of Risk in Loved Ones:

 According to the CDC, suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States. Nearly 46,000 people died by suicide in 2020, which would equate to an average of 1 death every 11 minutes. But suicide can be preventable, and there are resources available to help.

On July 16th of this year, 988 became the nationwide suicide hotline number. All texts or calls made to 988 are directly rooted to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline where you will be supported and helped by trained mental health professionals.

YOU can also help!

Noticing signs of suicide:

If you hear or notice any of the following thoughts or behaviors in someone you know, they may be at risk for suicide.

• Talking about wanting to die

  • “I just can’t take it anymore”

  • “I wish everything could end”

  • “I feel too much guilt or shame to continue on”

  • “I feel like a burden and people would be better off without me”

• Expressing feelings surrounding:

  • Loneliness, feeling isolated and that there is no one to live for

  • Hopelessness, feeling like there is no “light at the end of the tunnel”

  • Trapped, feeling stuck in a difficult situation with no foreseeable way out

  • Sad, depressed, anxious feelings

  • Strong emotional or physical pain

  • Low self-esteem, feeling unworthy of love and connection

• Behaviors:

  • Researching ways to die

  • Making a suicide plan

  • Purchasing lethal weapons (guns, knives, pills, rope)

  • Withdrawing from social circles and saying goodbye to loved ones

  • Giving away important keepsakes

  • Writing a will

  • Dangerous risk-taking behaviors, such as driving reckless

  • Exhibiting extreme mood swings

  • Eating and/or sleeping less

  • Increased substance use (drugs and/or alcohol)

  • Poor self-hygiene

The first step in being a helpful resource to someone who is struggling with suicidal thoughts is knowing and understanding the signs above. If you notice someone who is exhibiting any of these signs, it’s important to talk directly with them about it. It’s also important not to pass judgment or shame on the individual for having these thoughts.

When I work with clients who are struggling with suicidal ideation, I start by normalizing those thoughts and taking some of the weight and judgement away. I explain that it’s natural for our minds to search for escape routes from life’s struggles. For some people, that escape route looks like “I just want to drop everything and move to a remote island where I know no one and have no responsibilities.” For others, it may look like suicidal thoughts. The theme of escaping life’s responsibilities is the same — and we can share empathy about how hard it can be to face overwhelming difficulty, especially when we don’t have enough support. 

Suicidal thoughts can be very isolating for an individual. Letting someone know that you are aware of their struggles and here as a helpful support for them can make all the difference. Know that it can help to talk with the individual openly about their suicidal thoughts, make it known that it’s okay that they are dealing with this, and always share that there are resources to help.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 is available 24/7, 365 days a year.

https://988lifeline.org/

Also, helping that individual find a supportive therapist can help with long-term improvement and maintaining safety plans. Book an appointment for you or a loved one today.

Author: Jamie Rudden, MFTI https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/JamieRuddenMFTI

For more facts on suicide visit:

https://www.cdc.gov/suicide/facts/index.html#:~:text=Suicide%20rates%20increased%2030%25%20between,one%20death%20every%2011%20minutes.&text=The%20number%20of%20people%20who,attempt%20suicide%20is%20even%20higher.

A special thank you to Jamie Rudden for all of the supportive work that you have done with us and prior to your hard work at South Tampa Therapy! It takes a special compassionate and supportive person to BE THERE and STAY ATTUNED.

I appreciate you.

Liz

Empowering Couples to Communicate Compassionately~ Using Non-Violent Communication (NVC)

The process of non-violent communication (NVC) was developed by Marshall B. Rosenberg and encourages us to connect with others in a more heartfelt and empathetic manner. NVC emphasizes the significance of language in our day-to-day encounters, calling for conscious responses, instead of reactions, based on perceptions, feelings, needs, and visions for what we DO want to see happen.

The Four Components of NVC

There are four basic components to NVC that include observations, feelings, needs, and requests. What actions are we seeing around us that have an impact on our well-being? How do we feel based on what we've seen or heard? What need, desire, or value sparked those feelings? All negative feelings are unmet needs. Finally, how may we make positive requests of others that will improve our lives? These elements all work together to create NVC's foundation.

Our Language Shapes Our Thinking

Sometimes our thoughts sabotage our needs. It is helpful to gather more data and not just react from our triggers or automatic thoughts. Our thoughts produce the way we feel. Negative thoughts point to an unmet need. If I don't know what I need and react from the story that I tell myself, a lot of bad habits can form from this bad habit. Instead, I can gather more data, not just from thoughts but I want to drop down and gather more data from my feelings, where my feelings live somatically in my body, and what needs I have. When I discover my needs, I am in a powerful position to get my needs met. If I do not know what I need in real time, I may react and sabotage my needs which disconnects us from ourselves and other people in our lives.

All attacks are unskilled ways of trying to get a need met. Attacks create disconnect and defensiveness. Using NVC helps us accept influence and stay connected even through some of the most difficult conversations.

NVC not only challenges us to change the way we talk to one another, it also challenges us to change the way we think and perceive the world around us. In other words, NVC is not just a process of communication where words are simply exchanged. We must reframe our thinking so that we are able to genuinely express ourselves and be empathetic to what others are observing, feeling, needing, and requesting. NVC is truly an amazing process that empowers us to connect with one another in a compassionate way.

How to Calm The Jackal and Put on Your Giraffe Ears

Marshall Rosenberg conceptualized our tendency toward aggression and dominance as a jackal, while our more compassionate side he imagined as a giraffe (since giraffes have the largest hearts of all land mammals). When we listen with Jackal ears, we hear complaints as criticisms and requests as demands. When faced with a demand, collaboration isn’t possible. You either submit or you rebel which disconnects us and neither feels good, nor works well in a long-term relationship.

Conversely, when we put on our Giraffe ears, we listen with more empathy and compassion. We are more likely to hear the feelings and the needs behind what someone is saying. We’re more likely to see those needs as being understandable and reasonable, and not in competition with our own needs. When we understand and empathize, compromise and collaboration become feasible.

Nonviolent Communication in Couples Therapy

With couples, NVC bridges the gap in understanding between each partner and helps counter the judgmental negative stories that may build up about the other person:

“They’re lazy.”

“They’re not putting in as much work as I am.”

“They don’t love and care about my feelings.”

These interpretations or evaluations discourage us from being vulnerable and trusting the other person, and they prevent us from making needed changes. When we choose to replace those judgmental stories with greater understanding, more connection is possible.

NVC may challenge our preconceived notions about others and the world, which can help us to appreciate one another and live more freely. When the guy who is cutting me off in traffic stops being a jerk and becomes a person going through something terrible in their own life, I am able to let go of my anger. When I recognize that my difficulties in keeping my home clean aren't "laziness" but rather a battle for motivation or a desire for "rest and recuperation," the self-compassion I gain not only lessens my suffering, but it also increases the likelihood that I will be able to satisfy that need AND keep my house clean.

Whether you’re looking for Couples Therapy or Individual Counseling, Nonviolent Communication (NVC) can help you create the life you want to live together as a team.

The 4 Trauma Responses: Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn: Examining The Four Trauma Reactions

According to a research on the neurobiological consequences of psychological trauma, our bodies are designed to respond to perceived threats with a set of near-instantaneous, reflexive survival behaviors. Chemicals are introduced into our circulation via a short-term technique in order to rouse the body's defensive measures through the sympathetic nervous system. However, when our stress responses are continually activated, there isn't enough time to break down the chemicals, and our nervous system becomes overloaded and dysregulated—placing us firmly in the survival mode. The short-term protections become permanent as our body undergoes sympathetic nervous system dominance.

These post-trauma responses, on the other hand, aren't limited to those who've experienced significant "Trauma" events (such as war, death, or disaster) frequently associated with profound trauma. The fact is that trauma exists along a continuum of stress. Because trauma is subjective and personal, minor "T" incidents may be just as traumatic as big "T" events. Trauma, for example, might include a terrible breakup, a betrayal of trust, a work environment that is chronically abusive, or anything else that is mildly frightening over time. They may not seem serious at the time, but the long-term effects of trauma can still have a significant influence on you physically, spiritually, and mentally when they are not emotionally processed and integrated—somatically, intellectually. If a problem is left unresolved, past trauma may turn into trapped, frozen energy that your body will respond to physiologically in the form of a trauma response.

Fight, flight, freeze, fawn: the four types of trauma response.

Healthy stress responses aren't inherently negative; they can help you stand up for yourself in the short term. However, while trauma is a major cause of internal upheaval, it may be taken to an unhealthy and wearing extent. 

The fight response

When functioning properly, the fight response enables for assertion and solid boundaries. It's an active self-preservation function when it's used as a trauma response, in which you move reactively toward conflict with anger and aggression. It's a fear state in which you confront the danger of being assaulted or otherwise harmed so that you can defend yourself. A fight trauma response is when we believe that if we are able to maintain power over the threat, we will gain control. This can look like physical fights, yelling, physical aggression, throwing things, and property damage. It's possible to experience a tightening in the throat, along with other symptoms such as balling your hands into fists, stomach knots, tears, contentiousness, or a firm jaw.

Take a few moments to take a look at yourself and determine how you're currently positioned. It may feel wonderful to use your body to get mobility in the situation while having your insides mirror your outsides, but it comes at the cost of connection and others feeling safe around you.

You may use deep breathing, warm baths, routines, mindfulness, and self-love to help you let go of this. The fight response prepares you to be physical, so you can also utilize exercise to help the body return to normal. It activates your parasympathetic system by practicing mindfulness and a burst of constructive activity like yoga or stretching. It relieves anxiety and allows you to reconnect more deeply by releasing tension.

The flight response

The flight response is triggered when a person feels threatened or exposed. Avoidant behavior occurs as a result of the flight response. You can be discriminating in high-stress situations and disengage within limits if you're healthy. However, as a trauma reaction, you go one step farther by shutting yourself off entirely.

When we feel that if we can get away from the danger and avoid conflict, we will be okay, this is known as the flight response. This might look like fleeing and avoiding social interactions. To escape unpleasant emotions, you may stay occupied or flee for the door whenever things become difficult.

Do things that produce an immediate, physical response from your body to drop back into yourself. Pay attention to any tense muscles and relax them to relax the mind. Use bodywork and purposeful movements to stop the stress response so you can reflect on how you want to react rather than reacting spontaneously. 

Coping techniques that are tactile (such as drinking a warm beverage or eating crunchy food) and grounded, such as snuggling with a pet or doing some yoga, can all help. It's critical to make connections with those around you in order to release feel-good, happier chemicals like endorphins and serotonin.

The freeze response.

When healthy, the freeze response may assist you in slowing down and evaluating the situation carefully in order to figure out what to do next. When this protection is activated, it frequently leads to "freezing"—feeling frozen and unable to move or getting trapped in a fog or oblivious to reality. You don't feel like you're really there, and you're mentally checked out as you leave out what's going on around you and what you're feeling in an attempt to obtain emotional security.

When parts of your sympathetic nervous system have reached a state of overload, they may shut down your brain. I compared this reaction to that of our animal friends playing dead in the presence of a predator. When we freeze, it's as though we're at a loss for words; we withdraw into our minds; it's difficult for us to break out and be present; we sleep; we dissociate/spacing out; and we become emotionally or physically numb.

It's the same as temporary paralysis and disconnecting from your body to avoid additional stress.

To counteract that loss of connection with yourself, do grounding exercises if you catch yourself starting to dissociate. My personal therapist taught me this one. I call it "See Red." Look around your immediate surroundings for a red thing. For me right now, my husband's red sweatshirt flashes by. Then I'll look at it and take a deep, slow breath before scanning the area for another red item. I do this five times in a row. This may help us return to our current reality rather than the one we create when we're under stress due on traumatic reaction that takes us out of the present moment.

The fawn response. 

At its most fundamental, fawning is all about pleasing others and engaging in pacifying behaviors. It's characterized by putting people first above all else by doing whatever they want to avoid conflict and gain their approval. It appears to be beneficial to be well liked and defer to others in order to secure safety, but not when it comes at the price of losing yourself. It may eventually lead you to abandon yourself and your needs by merging so completely with others. Most likely, you don't feel understood by others or feel overshadowed by the individuals in your life.

Fawn response is people-pleasing to the point of forgetting oneself entirely; thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations. When someone tells me what I want to hear and I inquire how they're doing, they respond, 'I'm OK,' or 'I'm all right; so-and-so did this to me and I felt terrible.' I'll get a quick answer about how they're doing followed by a longer one about how someone else in their life is doing.If you're noticing that you're fawning often, be extra compassionate with yourself as you begin to separate what feelings belong to you and what belongs to other people. Observe yourself when you're around others to add in buffering time to help prevent resorting to fawning. The first step is awareness and learning how to start putting up boundaries to take up space.

Through my own experience, I've learned that focusing on it when I'm doing it is difficult, and calling attention to it may be uncomfortable. Recognize that your body and mind did their utmost to keep you safe but that you have the ability and worthiness to return to a secure state of mind.

Is it possible to have more than one trauma response?

Because trauma responses don't always neatly fall into a category, you may not overuse the same methods when confronted with fear. It's more likely that you'll primarily identify with one or two of the 4 Fs, but you'll still change between them depending on the context-specific environment in which you find yourself. Responses combine to form hybrids such as fight/fawn and flight/freeze for individuals who have experienced severe trauma.

Another element that influences our responses is the reality or perceived consequences of our behaviors. One stimulus for trauma might cause you to flee, while another may encourage you to fight—an example of this is an age-old battle with a loved one where you both want to hang up the phone and scream. Or if you're fawning, you just want to tell them they're right so they'll stop nagging at you.

The conclusion.

Know you aren't alone if you identify with one of the four trauma responses. Social support and journaling as self-soothing methods to figure out how to handle difficult circumstances and recover.

It's good to notice and speak about your trauma reaction with someone who cares for you, and who won't judge or provide unsolicited advice. Identifying our present behaviors as well as knowing we can make adjustments as needed is the first step toward better health.

In tandem, embodied healing is crucial to processing and feeling safe in your body. Managing your mental and physical health can help you find a new direction in order to cultivate responsive behaviors that are good for your health. Yoga as a method of relaxing the survival brain and meeting with a trauma-informed therapist at South Tampa Therapy will help in your healing journey.

Keep in mind that you're only human. You've been doing all that is necessary to keep thriving. It will take some time to unlearn some of these habits, which is fine. It is all in time... compassion, acceptance and patience in this process takes practice one day at a time.

Couples Counseling South Tampa: Couples Reveal What They Have Learned In Therapy

As a marriage and family therapist in Tampa, Florida, I have received feedback from several different clients. I combine some of the most powerful approaches utilizing Internal Family Systems, Compassionate Communication and Non-Violent Communication, The Gottman Method, Emotion Focused Therapy, Holistic Psychology, CBT, and DBT.

Here are the 10 best lessons couples learned from therapy.

1. Go to therapy sooner rather than later.

   It is best to go to a counselor before sh*t hits the fan. This way, you can start to develop conflict resolution and communication skills before resentment builds. Establishing a therapeutic relationship with a counselor early on can be beneficial when and if you find yourselves in a rut. Having an unbiased and supportive counselor can help you and your partner maintain a healthy relationship when and if you need support along your relationship journey.

2. You are on the same team.

   There is no winning and you don’t need to fight against each other. Therapy is a great tool and safe space to really work through things together. Meeting both of our needs, growing, and thriving together is the goal. We often ask ourselves, are you trying to listen to understand or are you trying to be right?

3. Play and have fun together.

   Unstructured quality time to just be living purely in the moment increases connection, creativity, and releases negativity. A couple that plays together stays together!

4. Unfinished business of childhood can show up in adulthood.

   Continuing to work on intrinsic positive change is a lifelong learning process. Insight and empathy can help partners understand conflict in a whole new light. When we create an awareness of patterns and habits we are able to create awareness regarding intentional choices in real time. If we are not aware, we keep reacting. Responding intentionally knowing what is happening is being awake to our inner experiences. Self-witnessing is a tremendous tool that can be used in so many facets of our lives. Practicing compassion for our partner's story, and becoming more empathetic to each other, we could actually help our partner heal from their painful childhood experiences.

5. It is not about changing the issue, it is about understanding.

   We have learned so much about communication and the ways to really listen to understand one another. Most people listen to try to change the other person’s perspective. When we get into trying to change the other person, defensiveness comes into the game. When defensiveness shows up, it creates disconnect. Communication either connects us and helps us get needs met or it disconnects us and sabotages our needs. We feel all sorts of negative feelings when our needs are not being met. However, we are in homeostasis when our needs are met and feel positive emotions. Our feelings are always signals to pay attention to which provide data about whether our needs are being met or not. When we know what we need, we are in a powerful position to get the needs met intentionally. When we do not know what we need, we will probably be in autopilot, reactionary-mode. Tune into your inner worlds so that you can understand yourself. When we understand, we can communicate honestly about what is happening internally.

6. Our thoughts are the root cause of anger.

   Anger masks more vulnerable feelings like hurt, disappointment, and sadness. It's helpful when both partners understand that the words or behavior hurts their partner, even when their partner tends to react with anger or stonewalling. Therapy can help couples connect — which includes learning how to get calmer and go slower rather than to lay out their arguments about who's "right".

7. Hear your partner out before letting emotions get in the way.

   Getting guidance from a therapist around how to listen to each other without being emotionally charged about the topic can help couples stay engaged in the conversation, to accept influence from one another, and compromise based on needs. This is huge! We can stay curious about what is actually happening in the moment. When our partners feel heard and understood, they are in a better position to hear us too. Listen to each other without reacting! This sounds so simple but bad habits can be hard to break and its beneficial to have a therapist as a sounding board to make neutral observations.

8. Conflict is normal, you will have different perspectives at times, and disagreements are inevitable in every relationship.

   There will be different stages throughout life and couples will never stop getting to know one another. The most important thing is that you listen, respect, and acknowledge each other's viewpoints. Many times, people listen to respond and not to understand — which is one of the biggest reasons why many relationships fail. Attending couples therapy, can help partners communicate feelings, emotions, and concerns more effectively. Counseling equips couples with valuable skills that will be instrumental throughout their lifetime and once they become parents.

9. Marriage therapy taught us how to communicate about our needs and desires without hurting the other person.

   When we are emotionally and intimately disconnected, it is challenging to help each other to feel heard and understood. The way we deal with conflict is directly correlated to intimacy. Change the way we fight, change the way we love. When we trust each other more and give each other the benefit of the doubt, we're less hurt when the other person isn't in the same place as us in the moment, We may still have issues and hurt feelings from time to time, but we're better equipped to handle those problems when they come up.

10. Psycho-education and therapy helped couples identify patterns.

    One partner was pretty direct and the other partner tended to be more thoughtful in the way he delivered information. One partner said the thing that stuck with her the most was that the therapist was able to reframe and articulate her partner's concerns in a way that he couldn't — which then helped her to understand him better. Therapy can help couples become aware of how reactions to difficult situations can be unhelpful. Attempting to respond in a way that is more productive for the relationship can feel very different. Psycho-education can be of tremendous value when co-morbidity plays a role in relationships. Trauma informed therapy can help partners empathize, respond to each others needs, and heal together. It is advantageous to the relationship when partners learn about mental health together.

To learn more about how therapy can help you, please text or call Dr. Mahaney directly 813-240-3237 or book an initial consultation: www.SouthTampaCounselor.com/BookAppointment

Emotional Flooding

Emotional Flooding happens when one or both partners pulse rises quickly casting emotion to be stronger that reason. When you are neurologically emotionally flooded you say and do things in an extreme fashion that are often damaging to the relationship. Julie Gottman interview explains how you have to take a break at least 20 minutes and not talk about the fight. When both are calm, and it can take more than 20 minutes but that is a minimum, you can try again.

Depression: What It Is and What to Do about It (Part 2)

Depression: What It Is and What to Do about It (Part II)

This is the second of a two-part series on depression. In this issue, I will describe how depression is treated and prevented. If you or someone close to you suffers from depression, it is important to educate yourself about it and seek treatment from qualified mental health professionals.

There are three basic ways to treat depression: psychotherapy, self-help, and medication. Many people respond best to a combination of two or more methods.

1.    Psychotherapy: Exploring one's beliefs and ways of thinking, and learning new ways of thinking and behaving, with the guidance of a professional.
2.    Self-help: Exploring one's beliefs and ways of thinking on one's own.
3.    Medication: Altering one's brain chemistry by taking antidepressant medication.

A physician may recommend medication when four conditions exist:

1.     The patient's depression is severe.
2.     The patient has suffered at least two previous depressive episodes.
3.     There is a family history of depression.
4.     The patient asks for medication only and refuses psychotherapy.

There are four types of antidepressant medication available today:

�    Tricyclic antidepressants (TCAs)
�    Monoamine oxidase inhibitors (MAOIs)
�    Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs)
�    Structurally unrelated compounds

The TCAs and MAOIs have been used for decades. The SSRIs (such as Prozac) and structurally unrelated compounds are newer and are being prescribed more and more frequently. They have fewer and less pronounced side effects than the TCAs and MAOIs.

Treatment without Medicine

One of the leading methods for treating depression is cognitive therapy. Cognitive therapists help depressed clients feel better by identifying how faulty ways of thinking are making him or her feel bad. The client analyzes his or her thoughts and beliefs, and learns to substitute more healthy ways of thinking and believing.
Many mental health professionals believe that the ideal treatment of clinical depression is medication in conjunction with psychotherapy.

Prevention of Depression

Depression can often be prevented. It is especially important to take preventive action if you are aware that you have predisposing factors such as those mentioned in the last newsletter.

1.    Identify your risk factors and be aware of where you are vulnerable. Each of us has unique risk factors, such as things we were taught in our families of origin, values we have learned, and the presence or absence of a family history of depression. Anything that has been learned can be unlearned and replaced with something healthier.
2.    Learn to manage stress. You can learn proven techniques for calming and relaxing yourself. Consider taking a stress management class or buying a set of relaxation tapes.
3.    Learn problem-solving skills. Many people who develop depression never learned problem-solving skills. They need to develop the ability to see problems from many viewpoints and to look for a variety of solutions.
4.    Build your life around things you can control. Learn to recognize what you can control and what you can't. Avoid spending much effort on situations that won't pay off for you.
5.    Learn self-acceptance. Instead of rejecting the parts of yourself you don't like, learn to manage them more productively.
6.    Become aware of selective perception. Observe how you generate ideas and opinions about people and events. Remember that these are just your views, not necessarily objective facts.
7.    Focus on the future, not the past. Depressed people tend to be focused on the past. People who set goals and focus on the future tend to be more positive about life.
8.    Develop a sense of purpose. Many depressed people lack a sense of purpose or meaning. This means they have no goals and nothing in the future drawing them forward. To prevent depression, develop your sense of purpose and meaning.
9.    Strengthen your emotional boundaries and set limits. Boundaries define your role in a social situation. They determine how you will or won't behave in a given situation. Having clear, strong boundaries is empowering, while boundary violations make you feel victimized and helpless. Setting limits means having and enforcing rules for the behaviors you expect in a relationship.
10.    Build positive and healthy relationships. Think about what you need from others in relationships. Learn to read people and trust your instincts about which people are good for you.
11.    Avoid isolation. Talk to others about what's going on with you. If you keep your thoughts to yourself, you may be unaware that your thoughts are distorted. If you share them with another person, you can become more objective.


Signs That Professional Therapy Is Needed

1.    Thinking about death or suicide. This is always dangerous and you should see a professional therapist immediately.
2.    When symptoms of depression continue for a long time, you may need professional help. Acute responses to events are normal, but they should not last beyond a reasonable time.
3.    Your ability to function is impaired by your depression. Seek help before your life situation deteriorates to a serious level.
4.    You have become so isolated that you have no one with whom to test reality. Seek someone out to share your thoughts and feelings with.
5.    Depressive symptoms have become severe.
Please call for an initial free consultation. 813-240-3237 We are here to help!

MANAGING STRESS IN YOUR LIFE & RELATIONSHIPS

Photo by RapidEye/iStock / Getty Images

Learn to Have Healthy Relationships

This subject could fill an entire book. In the limited space of this newsletter, let’s look at the key components of this stress-reducing strategy.

1.    Identify the sources of stress in your relationships. Write about them in a journal. Make a list of people who cause you stress and explore what the issues are.

2.    Resolve the underlying issues. For each of the situations identified in step 1, assess what needs to happen to resolve it. Make a list and design a plan to improve the situation.

3.    Learn skills to improve relationships. Relationship skills are learned. We are not born knowing how to get along well with others, and most of us learned only limited skills from our parents. Identify the skills you need to develop, and make a plan for yourself. You can learn these skills by reading books, taking classes, or working with a therapist.

4.    Avoid toxic people and situations. Some people have a toxic effect on you. If you can, limit the amount of time you spend with them. Look for opportunities to decline their invitations. When these people are family members, remind yourself that you don’t have to feel guilty about avoiding anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself. In work situations, look for ways to rearrange your schedule or your workspace to avoid interacting with such people.

5.    Seek out positive people and situations. This step is the reverse of the previous step. Look for opportunities to spend more time with people and in situations that make you feel good. Think about people who make you feel good about yourself and look for ways to increase time with them.

6.    Watch what you eat. Some substances amplify the stress response. These include:

·    Caffeine stimulates the release of stress hormones. This increases heart rate, blood pressure, and oxygen to the heart. Ongoing exposure to caffeine can harm the tissue of the heart.

·    Refined sugar and processed flour are depleted of needed vitamins. In times of stress, certain vitamins help the body maintain the nervous and endocrine systems.

·    Too much salt can lead to excessive fluid retention. This can lead to nervous tension and higher blood pressure. Stress often adds to the problem by causing increased blood pressure.

·    Smoking not only causes disease and shortens life, it leads to increased heart rate, blood pressure, and respiration.

·    Alcohol robs the body of nutrition that it might otherwise use for cell growth and repair. It also harms the liver and adds empty calories to the body.

During times of high stress, eat more complex carbohydrates (fruits, vegetables, whole breads, cereals, and beans).

7.    Get moving. The human body was designed to be physically active. However, in most jobs today, people are sitting down most of the time. They hardly move at all except when it is time for coffee break or lunch. When faced with stressors, we respond with our minds, not our bodies. It is no wonder that many of us have a difficult time responding to stressful events.

Exercise is one of the simplest and most effective ways to respond to stress. Activity provides a natural release for the body during its fight-or-flight state of arousal. After exercising, the body returns to its normal state of equilibrium, and one feels relaxed and refreshed.

8.    Look for ways to let go of tension and anxiety. Meditation, hypnosis, and progressive relaxation are valuable ways to regenerate and refresh yourself. You can purchase meditation and relaxation audiotapes or record your own. This is especially important because your health and long life depend on minimizing stress and achieving a sense of balance and well-being.

101 Affirmations and Positive Suggestions: A Workbook Utilizing The Power of Journaling and Self-Hypnosis
by Dr. Elizabeth A Mahaney
Link: http://a.co/0SzD9hN

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