Can Gottman Couples Therapy Help Your Relationship Improve?

If you are facing relationship struggles, Gottman Couples Therapy can provide you and your partner with the support you need to work through your problems. This approach to couple’s therapy is based on over 40 years of research conducted by Dr. John Gottman and his wife Dr. Julie Gottman.

The main goal of Gottman Couples Therapy is to help couples strengthen their relationships by improving communication, enhancing love, and building trust. The therapy process focuses on evidence-based interventions that have been shown to be effective in strengthening relationships.

One of the key elements of this therapy is the concept of “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” which refers to four negative communication patterns: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These patterns can be some of the most significant predictors of relationship breakdown. During the therapy sessions, the couples learn to recognize and avoid these patterns, which helps them to communicate more effectively.

Another essential component of Gottman Couples Therapy is the “Love Maps” exercise. This exercise involves creating a detailed understanding of each other’s inner worlds, including dreams, hopes, and fears. By building these Love Maps, couples can stay connected and understand each other better.

In addition, Gottman Couples Therapy helps couples to develop conflict management skills. During the therapy sessions, couples learn how to navigate argument and disagreements by expressing their own needs while also listening to their partner's feelings and concerns.

Gottman Couples Therapy also emphasizes the importance of reinforcing positive behavior. Couples are encouraged to express appreciation, admiration, and affection towards one another regularly. This allows the couple to build and maintain a strong foundation of love and positivity.

Overall, Gottman Couples Therapy is an evidence-based approach to counseling that can help couples work through various relationship challenges. By focusing on improved communication, increased trust, and building stronger emotional connections, couples can learn ways to enhance their relationship and increase their overall happiness.

How to cultivate a positive mindset for active aging

Last month Supervised Therapist Kaitlin Lowey was featured on WFLA TV’s Bloom. She dispelled stereotypes about aging and provided tips on how to foster a positive mindset and stay active as we age. You can view the full segment here. Below is a summary of the clip. 

https://www.wfla.com/video/mindset-active-aging/8430170/

Exercising our minds and bodies, staying socially connected, and living with purpose are all connected to longer, more fulfilling lives as we age and reach retirement age. But given the stereotypes about aging that pervade Western cultures, it can be difficult to overcome doubts about staying active, healthy, and engaged as we get older. 

So, how do we cultivate a positive mindset for active aging? 

• Reject the stereotypes about aging

• There are a lot of misconceptions about aging in America – false ideas like as people age, they are doomed to poor health, cognitive decline, and general decline in life satisfaction. These are myths. (And as part of a generation with parents entering this phase of life, I’m passionate about dispelling these myths.) 

• The truth is that subjective well-being increases with age, and we see a jump in subjective well-being around age 50, and this persists until the very oldest stage of life. 

• Why? One explanation is that as we age we become more emotionally stable. We’re better able to handle stress and weather storms with hard-earned wisdom. 

• Another reason may be that, contrary to the myth that older adults become more set in their ways, older adults actually report more openness to the future. 

• In addition, older adults report more satisfaction in their social relationships. 

• And finally, as we age we care less and less about what people think! There is freedom in this. 

• All of this is important to remember because a 2022 study from Harvard revealed that people with more positive attitudes about getting older tend to live longer and healthier lives than those with negative perceptions. 

• Be intentional about connecting to purpose and people 

• Having a purpose gives our lives meaning. We spend so much time planning for retirement, that it’s easy to forget to plan the retirement itself! Consider the legacy you want to leave behind in this new chapter. Is the purpose of this chapter to teach others, spend more time connecting with loved ones, building a new skill you’ve always wanted to try? There are so many exciting possibilities for projects that align with your values. 

• Post-retirement years are also a great time to join a club and get involved in a community organization. 

• Make a plan for exercise 

• Research shows that exercising regularly has immense physical, emotional, and cognitive benefits – especially in our older years. But we’re not always motivated to do it. The key is to make a plan for when you’ll exercise and also make a plan for how you’ll respond if you don’t feel like it.

• For instance, you could tell yourself you’ll just try exercising for a few minutes and see how it goes. Chances are, you’ll find the motivation to do more. You can also take a moment to envision all the benefits you will get from exercising to create the kinds of positive feelings that then lead to motivation. 

• Another great way to stay motivated is by recruiting your friends and family members to exercise with you or help keep each other accountable.  

• Finally, fit activity into your lifestyle. Take the stairs. Park in the back of the parking lot. Take the dog for a long walk. These small moments of activity add up. 

• Cultivate gratitude, openness, and curiosity

• Research shows that the number one factor happy people have in common is gratitude. Actively noticing and being thankful for the small things in life can give you the boost you need to maintain a positive mindset.

• Make use of that openness you’re experiencing. Lean into it. Get curious about what’s out there waiting for you in your retirement years. Who knows if you’re the next budding photographer, master’s high jumper, or champion pickleball player.

To Book with Kaitlin Lowey: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/KaitlinLowey

A Lesson for those who feel Unworthy or “Never Enough”

The topic of self-worth is common amongst therapists who are passionate about guiding their clients towards relief from negative thinking, anxiety, and low self-esteem. To gain a sense of self-worth it is important to identify what subconscious (or conscious) beliefs you hold that might be blocking you from offering yourself UNCONDITIONAL positive regard.

The term unconditional positive regard was coined by the American psychologist Carl Rogers. Carl Rogers believed that all humans are inherently “enough” and “worthy.” It was Rodger’s mission to bestow upon all his clients the experience of being treated with unconditional positive regard. Spoiler alert: that is also my mission! 

Ok, but for the sake of this post let’s define the terms. I want to focus on the “unconditional” part. Unconditional means that no condition sets you up against your inherent worthiness. To believe you are worthy of unconditional positive regard you must identity what Rodgers called “conditions of worth.” Conditions of worth are the beliefs that block you from accepting unconditional positive regard and from feeling worthy for just being you. 

Conditions of worthy might go something along the lines of……

• If I am funny, people won’t notice my insecurities

• I am safe and worthy if I keep this job or make x amount of money

• If I am agreeable and quiet, I am acceptable.

• It is not okay to show who I truly am I can be a chameleon and be loved

• I must make peace; conflict will show that I am an angry person

• As long as I stay beautiful, my husband will love me

I could probably write thirty pages of hypothetical “Conditions of worth” but I will spare you from that. The point is that we all have internalized “conditional worth” beliefs learned from caregivers, parents, teachers, cultural messages, or religious institutions. 

Once you have taken in these messages as fact, your brain starts to scan for evidence that will validate that belief. 

For example, if you believe that “good people are agreeable and don’t pick fights,” every time your partner picks a fight or confronts you, you might push down your feelings or reactions to appease them.

You do this because, “good people don’t fight back” right? “Good people are agreeable” right? You can’t possibly share your truth or advocate for your feelings because if you do, you won’t be good, and everyone wants to believe they are good right? 

Do you see the danger in this type of thinking? Continuing to live in reaction to these beliefs, with a brain that is wired to scan for evidence that bolsters them, is essentially what creates the “inner critic” in our heads. The voice that does not sound warm and fuzzy. The voice that certainly does not speak unconditional positive regard to our dear souls. 

So, step one is to think about your parents, your family, your spouse, or your religious organization. Try to identify any messages you’ve learned that set you up against your inherent worthiness with any “condition” that you must meet. 

Once you are aware of these messages you can begin to externalize them. For example, when you hear the thought: 

“I shouldn’t speak up because I will be seen as too much” you might say “I notice I am having the thought that I shouldn’t speak up because I will be seen as too much.” You might say, “I am hearing my moms voice in my head.” At that, you might begin to chuckle as you notice that some of the thoughts in your head are not your true thoughts but merely conditioned beliefs that your little child brain absorbed as absolute truth. 

At this point, you have awareness which is a powerful tool. Once you’re aware you can choose not to put energy towards that thought and more importantly you can choose not to act in reaction to that thought. 

Sometimes we have all these negative feelings towards ourselves and fears that drive us. We identify with them and think they are us. What a relief when we can understand that those thoughts aren’t us. The inner critic is not you and you don’t have to act in reaction to it. 

My final thought is that when you experience anxiety when trying to go against the thoughts, remember that you can tolerate it. The only reason it feels scary is because you have never opposed those thoughts in the past. The more you notice them, do the scary thing and act from your thoughts (not your conditioned thoughts) the more you essentially become you. 

Maybe it is just me, but I don’t want to live in a world where I must earn my worth or worthiness. Most people when looking at an innocent child, inherently know there is something worthy about them regardless of what they do, how they look, what they say, etc. We are still those innocent children deep down. The more we live from a place of worthiness the freer we become to treat others with such unconditional positive regard. 

I hope this blog taught you something or sparked an insight. If you have questions about this topic or want to explore your past and conditions of worth, I offer free 15 min consultations and would love to get to know you. 

Shaundra McGuire, MFTI 813-298-8905

Book With Shaundra: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ShaundraMcguireMFTI

Couples Therapy: Like you’ve never experienced before…

In a Nutshell, What Is Couples Counseling?

If you're reading this, your relationship is likely struggling right now. You might even be considering divorce.. Let me start by telling you I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time.

If you're like most couples I see, you've probably come across an online article claiming that all of your relationship's difficulties can be traced to communication breakdowns.. If you could effectively communicate with your partner, you would be able to fix things.… 

And that’s true! I have the tools to teach you how.

That's the problem: it is ineffective advice when you're in the middle of a disaster.. Obviously, if you could communicate better, your relationship would be better. But you can’t, so it’s not. 

But there is hope! I will guide you in session and give you evidence based tools to use between sessions, to apply 4 easy steps to communicate to get to the root of the issues.

Whenever you and your partner try to communicate – Even deciding what to have for dinner can be tough, You may as well forget about trying to have an actually meaningful conversation. – it just turns into another fight, nothing gets resolved, and makes everything even worse.

Then it is just brushed under the rug to linger... until the next argument. Ugh... How exhausting! 

And sure, that might be because your partner is trying to pick a fight (not realizing that all attacks are unskilled ways of trying to get a need met). And more than likely, there was an emotional injury at some point in time that went unaddressed – a crack in your friendship that never healed. Over time, you’ve grown more distant and further apart, until you’re constantly feeling resentful, annoyed, frustrated, hurt, disappointed, and down right angry.

Oftentimes, we know something is wrong but can't seem to put our finger on the problem. If this is where you're at, don't worry.

I am here for you both! I want to help you uncover the root of the problem, rekindle your relationship, and equipped you with the right tools for future success. most likely, the issues are learned behaviors. The beauty of working with learned behaviors is that we can learn how to SHOW UP in our relationships with ourselves and our partner in a much healthier and powerful way.

4 Ways Couples Therapy Is Different with Me:

1. I get to the CORE of the issue.

Too often, couples therapists begin couples work without adequately assessing for each person’s background and the couple’s joint history related to the presenting problems. 

This is where the Gottman Assessment really helps me to conceptualize the problem to formulate a game plan from the get-go!

If you only go to therapy and talk about the problems you're having RIGHT NOW, it's like putting a band aid on a wound when the actual problem is internal bleeding. If you want to work through your problems more effectively, we’ll get to the root cause of the issues you’re experiencing based on each of your needs. 

When we work together, I will begin by asking you to tell me more about:

• your individual narratives

• your family dynamics and how you saw your parents argue (or not)

• your communication styles when fighting

• how your relationship started

• the current state of your relationship and how you got here

• what your ideal relationship looks like (among other questions)

I hear it time and time again from clients about how the assessment procedure was beneficial to them, how it helped everything click for them to finally start seeing a difference in their relationship. 

I also understand that talking about your history might make you feel vulnerable and taking this step requires bravery, but I assure you it's worth it..

2. I equip you with the tools and know-how to achieve long-term relationship success..

Oftentimes, clients come to me and say that couples therapy has failed them in the past because it didn't provide concrete tools for long term success and accountability. While addressing particular issues or complaints can be beneficial, without the necessary communication and listening abilities to interact with one another empathically – and listen compassionately - any discussions we have about your challenges will be ineffective.

So, we start working on specific skills. Such as:

• How to initiate a conversation in a softened way

• How to repair or de-escalate heated conversations

• How to emotionally self-regulate when you feel triggered

• How to come into dialogue in a productive way

• How to compromise based on feelings and needs

Couples are surprised at how quickly they’re able to talk with each other in a calm, compassionate, and respectful manner.

Once you and your partner have worked through some tension and built up resentment in an emotionally safe way, you will be able to understand each other on a much deeper level. Trust builds when we learn how to implement compassionate communication (NVC).

“Well,” you may ask, “Isn't it rather simple? Why haven't we been able to solve this on our own"? "Please understand, this isn't your fault".

When you've been stuck in this vicious cycle and these patterns are ingrained, you may tend to keep creating these predictable bad habits of how you deal with conflict. You start to make assumptions about your partner, your armor goes up and you go into self-protection and defensiveness mode. It becomes less and less easy to give each other the benefit of the doubt that is necessary to sustain a long-term compassionate relationship.

My goal is to help you rediscover that grace, that softness. And ultimately, to help you hit the rest button to INTENTIONALLY create the relationship that you desire and rediscover yourselves too.

3. I help you recognize and understand the role comorbidity (anxiety, depression, ADHD, trauma, addiction, etc) may play in your relationship. 

Basically, comorbidity means your brain is wired a little differently.

And honestly, the more I learn about comorbidity, the more I see just how common it is. Yet so often, it is either not acknowledged, or is seen as something that is wrong – something to blame. 

Even if you don’t have comorbidity in your relationship, this approach is still highly applicable. The basis of comorbidity couples counseling is to help each partner understand, accept, and embrace their differences while working together as a team to overcome obstacles together without blame. 

Comorbidity or not, in working with me your way of seeing the world will be acknowledged, not criticized. 

For many couples I see, discovering comorbidity may be a freeing discovery. It allows them to reframe their relationship, and everything begins to make sense. 

With my trainings in both the Gottman Method, Compassionate Communication, and Comorbidity Couples Counseling, I’m able to provide an organized framework for you to work within, while still flexibly tailoring my approach to your specific relationship needs. 

4. We don’t have to stop at the 50 minute mark. I offer add-on time to customize sessions to meet your needs

You can choose to do 90- 150 minute sessions (or more), not just 50-minute sessions. 

If you've been to couples counseling before, then you know the drill. You describe the problem, communicate your feelings, make steps in the right direction… but just when you really start to dig into it, and peel back the layers~ time's up. You have so much left to say. And by next week’s session, you’ve lost your train of thought, and there are new and more pressing issues to address. 

By offering longer sessions, I’m able to devote the time needed for you to see real progress each week.

We're able to take on large-ticket items and actually reach a resolution that you may put into practice immediately.

The Power of Connection in Addiction Recovery

 My message here is to offer what I have learned about the power of connection as a healing force against addiction and shame. I do not intend to invalidate the real suffering of millions living moment to moment amidst the chaos of chemical dependency and behavioral addictions. The experience of the addicted brain, body, or even “spirit” is extremely real. Anecdotal wisdom and tired truisms, when offered flippantly, hurt the suffering. Addiction is not simple, you can breathe. You are safe here. I will not offer you a magic cure.

Ok, so let’s talk about Connection! 

One of the most shame inducing parts of addiction is isolation. Even if you are a part of the minority of sufferers and you’ve rallied the bravery to share your experience it is still common to have thoughts such as…

“No one understands me. People see me as an addict, broken, helpless.”

“I can’t tell X because I would lose my job, my kids, my leadership role!” 

“Even when I am with my partner I feel inexplicably alone”

Brene Brown, popular researcher and public speaker, defines shame as “the fear of disconnection” (Brown B, 2010). People hide in shame because they fear that if they were fully honest or vulnerable it might jeopardize their connection to others. Shame is viewed as a negative emotion in pop psychology but from this perspective, the instinct for shame stems from the pure desire for connection to others. 

If we follow this logic, then certainly we shouldn’t add additional shame on ourselves for experiencing shame. Shame is the fear of disconnection. Shame is not inherently bad, but it hurts. We are sensitive to the pain of shame because it makes us feel isolated and impairs our authenticity.  

If we fear disconnection to the point of letting shame isolate us, we remain unseen and misunderstood even by those whom we have a “connection” with. You might be able to pull off a certain level of inauthentic connection with others, but this leaves you starved of true connection that comes from living in the “shame free zone” where you feel safe to be honest about what you are experiencing in any given moment. This is true connection. Safety, acceptance, and mutual vulnerability. 

But at this point, we face another obstacle. Many have experienced the thing they fear most when stepping into authenticity and vulnerability: Rejection and Disconnection from others. For some, the people they trusted with their honesty weren’t deserving of it. These experiences reinforce the shame-instinct. These experiences break my heart, and they are real, and they hurt. But here’s the good news. Each day, given your unique situation ability and access, you can work towards building connections that are worthy of your trust. You can have corrective connections. Your brain is made to regenerate its physical matter and to rewire toxic neurological pathways. Your heart can be healed through the power of pure love and connection. It is possible to live a meaningful life of connection that does not require you to escape from. 

Once again, it is not this simple. Addictions are complex and multifaceted, but research has shown that authentic and safe connection is one of the most powerful forces in overcoming addiction. This is one reason why therapy is effective in treating addiction, it might not just be the cognitive tools and intellectual processing that heals addiction. It might just be the power of a loving and safe connection.

In closing, I will share with you the results of a study published by a Canadian psychologist Bruce Alexander (Hayes, 2020). In this study, the scientists observed rats in empty cages with two bottles. One bottle was filled with water and one bottle was filled with heroin laced water. Each rat observed, was isolated in the cage with the two bottles. Over time, each isolated rat became addicted to the heroin water and eventually all of them overdosed and died. Sad, I know. 

Bruce Alexander was bothered by the size of the cage and began to consider “maybe it was the lack of stimulation and other pleasures that reinforced the rats to get high. What else did they have to do?” This is when the team created what is now referred to as “Rat Park.” This cage was over twenty times the size of the first cage and included all sorts of fun and stimulating objects and activities for the rats to enjoy. This cage was full of delicious foods, and over 20 rats of different genders were placed there. The same two water bottles were placed in “Rat Park,” one with pure water and one with heroin laced water. Guess what? All twenty of the rats ignored the heroin water and simply lived in their natural bliss of connection, play, nourishment, and mating. 

The outcomes of this study reinforce my deep conviction that authentic connection is the opposite of addiction. Is it possible that the success rates of therapy and even twelve step programs have less to do with “rigorous morality” or professional expertise as much as they have to do with connection? 

Honest, Authentic, Safe, Shame-Free, Fearless, and Vulnerable Connection. This is my hope for the suffering and alone. To experience “Rat Park” in real life and experience the transformative power of connection. 

Author: Shaundra Mcguire, MFTI

Book an appointment with Shaundra online here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ShaundraMcguireMFTI

References

Dr. Brené Brown on “The Power of Vulnerability” – Whitney Johnson. (2010). Whitney Johnson’s Distuption Advisors. https://whitneyjohnson.com/brene-brown-vulnerability/

Hayes, T. (2020, November 13). The opposite of addiction is . . .. Integrated Addiction Care. https://www.integratedaddictioncare.com/2020/11/12/the-opposite-of-addiction-is/

Practice Empathy in Three Ways: Cognitively, Emotionally, and Somatically

You must first take off your own shoes to put yourself in someone else's shoes.

We stretch our hearts and minds beyond our own experiences, viewpoints, and feelings in order to imagine what it's like to be inside someone else's head. We employ imagination, creativity, and instinct to envision what life is like for them.

Listening with empathy is a fundamental component of coming from curiosity and care, as well as the foundation of discussion. Here are three strategies to start practicing incorporating more empathy into your daily life that integrate living purposefully and empathetically.

PRACTICE: Empathy

It's important to remember that practicing this doesn't have to be limited to situations in which you are the center of attention. Its easier to feel for others when you aren't being attacked. Remember that empathy isn't something you put into words; it's a quality of presence in your heart. Aim to comprehend the other person's situation and let the conversation unfold organically.

SILENT EMPATHIC PRESENCE: Practice listening completely, with the heartfelt intention to understand and "feel into" what the other person is saying. How is this issue for them?

PARAPHRASE: After listening, summarize the gist of what you've heard. What are the key features of what they've said? It's also possible that repeating just a few words will be enough.

EMPATHIC REFLECTION: After listening, check that you understand by reflecting what you hear is most important to them. This may include how they feel and/or what they need. What's at the heart of this individual's narrative? What can you do to assist them to feel understood? Remember to phrase your reflections as questions and double-check that you're correct.

There are other methods for conveying compassion. We may convey empathy by giving a kind word, with a loving touch, or by describing how we're feeling in response to what we've heard. By expressing interest with open-ended questions like "Tell me more," "What else?"

As an example, my daughter's friend a freshman who is usually cheerful and bubbly, began showing up early to practice. I struck up a conversation and realized how much she was struggling. This friend was saying, "I don't want to go to this school anymore," and was thinking about dropping out. I noticed the impulse to go into problem-solving mode, an old habit of mine. Having just finished another book on empathy, I paused and decided to try listening instead. "Tell me more. What's going on?"

She began to open up. She was being bullied. She felt sad, alone, and depressed. Every time I noticed the urge to fix or solve, I attended to feeling the weight of my body and my feet on the floor, and resisted the temptation to offer solutions. I focused my attention on what she was feeling and reflected what I was hearing. She began to cry, oscillating between speaking, sobbing, and awkwardly making eye contact as if to check whether all of this was okay. There were a lot of tears, tissues, and long moments in which I simply held her gaze.

She spoke more about her feelings of sadness, loneliness, and not feeling valued. "I've felt like this since first grade," she mentioned. "Was that the first time you felt so sad and alone?" I inquired. No, it started when she was three, when her dad left. They looked at each other, realizing they'd hit the root of her pain. Eventually they explored what she might need at school. They came up with some strategies to address the bullying. She decided to stay in school and to make a public art piece for the classroom about depression.

This is the power of which empathy may help us. With a listening spirit, we can absorb each statement made, each emotion felt. Healing and change are possible if we come from a place of curiosity and care rather than our usual mode of behavior.

PRINCIPLES

People are more likely to be willing to listen when they feel heard. To build understanding, reflect before you respond.

KEY POINTS

The desire to comprehend is frequently expressed through listening, which entails putting away our own ideas, emotions, opinions, and views temporarily.

We can listen in many ways:

• With complete, wholehearted presence

• To the content of what someone says

• To the feelings and needs beneath the content

Staying connected in conversation helps us build understanding and

collaborate:

DON'T LET THE CALL DROP: Seek to establish and maintain connection in conversation.

REFLECT BEFORE YOU RESPOND: Confirm that you're hearing each other accurately before moving on. This "completes a cycle' of communication.

At the heart of listening is empathy, which includes:

• Cognitive empathy: seeing things from another's perspective

• Affective empathy: feeling another's emotions

• Somatic empathy: sensing another's embodied experience

Q & A

Q: What if someone wants advice? Is that ever okay?

Of course. When someone asks for advice, you might try offering empathy

first. I'll often say, I'm happy to share some of my ideas, but first I just want

to take in what you've said. I'll follow that with an empathic reflection of

what I'm hearing and check if I've understood. This can help the other

person process their experience and clarify what matters. I then circle back

to inquire if they still want advice; sometimes it's no longer relevant.

If the tables are turned and you want to give someone advice, check

first. Let them know: "I have an idea that I think might be helpful. Are you

open to some advice?" This honors their autonomy, minimizes the chances

that your input will be disempowering, and guards against giving advice

as a way of soothing your own anxiety.

Q: I've been exploring these empathy tools with close friends and family

and my new approach creates a lot of awkwardness. What do you do

when others expect you to communicate in a certain way?

It can be confusing when our attempts to create more connection backfire.

Part of what you are experiencing is the relational dimension of communication habits. They occur in a dynamic, so when we shift it affects others.

It also may simply be the learning curve; it takes time to find an authentic

voice with these tools.

Let go of the form and focus on your genuine intention to connect.

What would help this person to feel heard? If someone is used to us

showing care by asking questions or agreeing and we respond by reflecting

their needs, that may throw them off. Try to tune in to what they want.

When all else fails, let people know that you're trying something new that

you hope will bring you closer. Ask them to humor you while you learn.

Empowering Couples to Communicate Compassionately~ Using Non-Violent Communication (NVC)

The process of non-violent communication (NVC) was developed by Marshall B. Rosenberg and encourages us to connect with others in a more heartfelt and empathetic manner. NVC emphasizes the significance of language in our day-to-day encounters, calling for conscious responses, instead of reactions, based on perceptions, feelings, needs, and visions for what we DO want to see happen.

The Four Components of NVC

There are four basic components to NVC that include observations, feelings, needs, and requests. What actions are we seeing around us that have an impact on our well-being? How do we feel based on what we've seen or heard? What need, desire, or value sparked those feelings? All negative feelings are unmet needs. Finally, how may we make positive requests of others that will improve our lives? These elements all work together to create NVC's foundation.

Our Language Shapes Our Thinking

Sometimes our thoughts sabotage our needs. It is helpful to gather more data and not just react from our triggers or automatic thoughts. Our thoughts produce the way we feel. Negative thoughts point to an unmet need. If I don't know what I need and react from the story that I tell myself, a lot of bad habits can form from this bad habit. Instead, I can gather more data, not just from thoughts but I want to drop down and gather more data from my feelings, where my feelings live somatically in my body, and what needs I have. When I discover my needs, I am in a powerful position to get my needs met. If I do not know what I need in real time, I may react and sabotage my needs which disconnects us from ourselves and other people in our lives.

All attacks are unskilled ways of trying to get a need met. Attacks create disconnect and defensiveness. Using NVC helps us accept influence and stay connected even through some of the most difficult conversations.

NVC not only challenges us to change the way we talk to one another, it also challenges us to change the way we think and perceive the world around us. In other words, NVC is not just a process of communication where words are simply exchanged. We must reframe our thinking so that we are able to genuinely express ourselves and be empathetic to what others are observing, feeling, needing, and requesting. NVC is truly an amazing process that empowers us to connect with one another in a compassionate way.

How to Calm The Jackal and Put on Your Giraffe Ears

Marshall Rosenberg conceptualized our tendency toward aggression and dominance as a jackal, while our more compassionate side he imagined as a giraffe (since giraffes have the largest hearts of all land mammals). When we listen with Jackal ears, we hear complaints as criticisms and requests as demands. When faced with a demand, collaboration isn’t possible. You either submit or you rebel which disconnects us and neither feels good, nor works well in a long-term relationship.

Conversely, when we put on our Giraffe ears, we listen with more empathy and compassion. We are more likely to hear the feelings and the needs behind what someone is saying. We’re more likely to see those needs as being understandable and reasonable, and not in competition with our own needs. When we understand and empathize, compromise and collaboration become feasible.

Nonviolent Communication in Couples Therapy

With couples, NVC bridges the gap in understanding between each partner and helps counter the judgmental negative stories that may build up about the other person:

“They’re lazy.”

“They’re not putting in as much work as I am.”

“They don’t love and care about my feelings.”

These interpretations or evaluations discourage us from being vulnerable and trusting the other person, and they prevent us from making needed changes. When we choose to replace those judgmental stories with greater understanding, more connection is possible.

NVC may challenge our preconceived notions about others and the world, which can help us to appreciate one another and live more freely. When the guy who is cutting me off in traffic stops being a jerk and becomes a person going through something terrible in their own life, I am able to let go of my anger. When I recognize that my difficulties in keeping my home clean aren't "laziness" but rather a battle for motivation or a desire for "rest and recuperation," the self-compassion I gain not only lessens my suffering, but it also increases the likelihood that I will be able to satisfy that need AND keep my house clean.

Whether you’re looking for Couples Therapy or Individual Counseling, Nonviolent Communication (NVC) can help you create the life you want to live together as a team.

What is violent and nonviolent communication?

Violent communication, also known as a harsh startup, is when a person is trying to communicate something to their partner/child/parent/etc and the language being used comes out aggressive, attacking, blaming, belittling...I think you get the point. A big reason why communication comes out this way, is usually because the person has a need that is not being met and they are unsure how to communicate this need. For some of us, violent communication is the only form we know and for others, we may not know the correct language to identify how we feel or need. This is where nonviolent communication comes in. It completely changes the way we communicate. Communication is not only about speaking, listening and truly hearing the other person is a key component.

Nonviolent communication, also known as a soft start up, is where the speaker expresses I AM without blaming or criticizing and the listener empathically receives how YOU ARE without hearing blame or criticism. NVC has 4 parts to it:

1) Observations

- What I observe that does or does not contribute to my well-being (free from my evaluations)

- "When I (see. hear)....."

2) Feelings

- How I feel in relation to what I observe (emotion or sensation rather than thought)

- "I feel..."

3) Needs

- What I need or value that causes my feelings (rather than a preference or a specific action)

- "...because I need/value..."

4) Requests (Don't be demanding"

- The concrete action I would like taken

- "Would you be willing to...?"

The listener will verbally mirror back everything that the speaker says when using this script for a soft start up. I hope this helps when trying to express your needs through communication with your partner/child/parent/etc.

Let's continue to grow into better versions of ourselves(:

By Crystin Nichols, MFTI

The Starved Brain: Why does your loved one with Anorexia think, feel, and act the way they do?

The Starved Brain: Why does your loved one with Anorexia think, feel, and act the way they do? 

If you have a loved one with Anorexia, you know more than anyone that eating disorders impact the entire family. It can feel like everything you know and have come to expect from your loved one changes overnight. I have had family members report to me: 

“It’s like he is a whole different person”

“Is my precious happy girl still inside that body?”

“My wife has always been the life of the party. That’s one of the reasons I married her, now I can’t get her to leave the house”

 It can be tremendously confusing and sometimes feelings of hopelessness emerge. That is very normal. It is scary. To understand these jarring changes, it is helpful to remember that Anorexia is a physical illness. It manifests, if not treated early, in significant weight loss and calorie restriction.  Your loved one is acting, thinking, and feeling the way they are because of what research tells us about The Psychology of Hunger. 

The Psychology of Hunger: The Starved Brain 

The most notable study conducted the starved brain was undertaken in 1948 by Ancel Keys, called “The Biology of Human Starvation or popularly known as “The Minnesota Starvation Experiment.” The purpose of the experiment was to demonstrate how the body and mind are affected by not eating, or by restricting food. In this study, healthy young men were observed under normal conditions then exposed to caloric restriction (1570 calories a day for 6 months). After the semi-starvation period, they were rehabilitated with the purpose of determining the most successful form of nutritional rehabilitation. Such a study would never be conducted in modern research, but the results were foundational in shifting perceptions and guiding modern treatment interventions for Anorexia. 

The Results

Below are the symptoms that were found at just 1570 calories a day for 6 months. *It is noteworthy that most sufferers of Anorexia eat far less than 1570 calories a day* 

• Physical: Less energy, reduced heart muscle mass, lower heart rate and blood pressure, headaches, decreased hormone levels, sensitivity to noise and light, a feeling of being cold all the time, loss of strength and greater fatigue and hair loss and dry skin.

• Emotional and Cognitive changes: Depression, anxiety, irritability, increased mood fluctuations, intense and negative emotional reactions, decreased enthusiasm, reduced motivation, impaired concentration, problem solving and comprehension, increased rigidity, obsessional thinking, and reduced alertness.

• Attitudes and behaviors related to food: Thinking about food all the time, eating very slow or very fast, increased hunger, unusual food routines and rituals, binge eating, increased use of condiments for flavor.

• Social changes: Feeling more critical of others, withdrawn and isolated, loss of sense of humor, feelings of social inadequacy, neglect of personal hygiene and strained relationships.

These men had no previous mental health diagnosis, significant childhood trauma, or any health conditions that would skew the results in any meaningful way. 

Implications

When working with sufferers and their family members I always share this study and pay special attention to highlight the results in the emotional/cognitive changes and social changes sections. I have seen the implications of this study reduce shame and destigmatize the individual suffering. I try to communicate that your loved one is still the same person you know; they are just experiencing the brains response to starvation. With appropriate nutritional rehabilitation and patience there is no reason to believe that most, if not all, of these symptoms will go away completely. The first step to treating Anorexia is weight restoration. Getting stuck in the “Why” vortex is tempting because the sufferer and family want to believe that if they knew why their loved one developed Anorexia it would give them the solution. Sometimes family members blame themselves: endlessly analyzing and hypothesizing about some unknown error they made. It is important to make sense of or peace with your loved one’s diagnosis but if there is anything you can do to support your loved one, it is to encourage them to seek nutritional rehabilitation first and foremost. I ask family members to avoid pathologizing their loved one. Going to therapy once a week while severely malnourished can be unfruitful  because of the starved brain. A therapist role is to encourage motivation for recovery, educate and normalize Anorexia, and celebrate the little wins. Once your loved one is weight restored, the deeper work can be done from a healthy nourished brain. Should you be a family member of a sufferer in early stages of recovery, the primary take-away is to remind yourself and your loved that their brain is starving and the way they feel, think, and behave are survival responses. Remind them that it is not their fault, and it will not feel like this forever. Your loved one is not ‘CRAZY’ nor has their character or personality fundamentally changed they are just starving.  

By Shaundra McGuire, MHCI

Book an appointment with Shaundra Mcguire:

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ShaundraMcguireMFTI

Additional resources for you and your loved one:  

https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/

https://www.gaudianiclinic.com/videos-press

References: 

https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/information/anorexia/how-malnourishment-affects-the-brain-research-on-anorexia-and-neurobiology

https://eatingdisorders.dukehealth.org/education/resources/starvation-experiment

https://nedc.com.au/eating-disorder-resources/find-resources/show/issue-59-i-the-starved-brain-can-what-we-eat-determine-how-we-think

https://www.apa.org/monitor/2013/10/hunger

SELF COMPASSION IN EATING DISORDER RECOVERY

SELF COMPASSION IN EATING DISORDER RECOVERY  

Many of my clients express to me that as their symptoms and eating disorder behaviors increase so does the volume of the eating disorder “Ed” voice. Let me tell you, Ed’s voice could not be further from one of compassion but rather it is critical, shaming, cruel, persuading, and even violent. Some clients have told me “It’s like a drill segreant. If I do not obey my safety feels threatened.” I am not suggesting that people suffering from eating disorders literally have another person living in their head, but once eating disorders are triggered the thought patterns that fuel the behaviors are par for the course and addressing Ed’s voice is a fundamental part of treatment and treatment outcomes.

I will make a quick statement that as one becomes nutritionally rehabilitated (regardless of weight) with a balanced meal plan provided by a registered eating disorder dietician the voice will quiet naturally. Addressing malnourishment is the first step of recovery but that does not mean that starting the work of self-compassion cannot go hand in hand. Self-compassion is a life practice not just a recovery practice. 

WHAT IS SELF-COMPASSION? 

Dr. Kristen Neff is widely recognized as one of the world’s leading experts on self-compassion. She was the first person to operationally define and measure the construct around 20 years ago. You can check out her website here. Here is how Kristen understands self-compassion. 

“Self-compassion is extending compassion to one’s self in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering.” 

Kristen’s three key ingredients to self-compassion are: 

1. Mindfulness -a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which individuals observe their thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them.

2. Common humanity-suffering and personal failure is part of the shared human experience rather than isolating.

3. Self-kindness -being warm towards oneself when encountering pain and personal shortcomings, rather than ignoring them or hurting oneself with self-criticism.

TIPS TO START PRACTICING SELF COMPASSION IN RECOVERY

Imagine you are carelessly strolling down the street and suddenly you catch your reflection in the shop window and BOOM Ed voice says…

 “I can’t believe you chose to eat that gelato with lunch. I told you not to and now look at you, you’re bloated. Honestly your stomach is disgusting. You are so weak. I can’t believe you have the nerve to be out in public right now. You need to get your act together and (insert ED behavior) exercise, restrict, purge, isolate, cut etc.” 

Instead of mindlessly obeying Ed you could instead take a Self-Compassion Break.  Even if you end up following through with the behavior pausing and trying something different is building towards your recovery and diminishing the power of ED. 

 SELF COMPASSION BREAK: 

Mindfulness: Recognize you are experiencing some form of struggle. Emotional, physical, or mental pain. Identify the pain and in a compassionate tone, you might say “This is scary, I am afraid I gained weight. I am afraid if I don’t punish myself for the gelato I have failed. I feel guilty.” The goal is to recognize and validate the difficulty with a compassionate tone.

Common Humanity: Remind yourself that everyone (especially others suffering with ED’s) have experienced this form of suffering and know how you feel. You are not alone, and it is exactly suffering and relating to one other through empathy, validation, and compassion that binds humans closer to one another.  

Self-Kindness: The final steps is offering yourself kindness amidst the suffering ( fear, guilt, and ED’s mean voice) through giving yourself kind words and actions. Kristin Neff has called this the yin and yang of self-compassion. The yin being kind words to oneself and yang being kind actions. Kind words could be “You are brave for facing your fears and pursuing recovery. You enjoyed that Gelato and it was so such a fun lunch with your friend. There are others who would be inspired by your recovery action today.” For a kind action you can choose any out of your self-care toolbox as long as it represents kindness towards self-amidst the suffering and goes against the will of Ed’s voice. 

I encourage you to try using Self-Compassion Breaks as much as you can. The Ed voice will not get any weaker unless we become mindful of it, validate and feel our feelings, and respond with kindness. 

Follow this link for more tools to practice self-compassion! 

By Shaundra McGuire, MHCI

Book an appointment with Shaundra Mcguire:

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ShaundraMcguireMFTI

REFERENCES: 

https://self-compassion.org/

https://www.edcatalogue.com/3-mindful-self-compassion-tools-eating-disorder-recovery/

START YOUR HEALING JOURNEY By Creating Awareness & Self Compassion

Key Facts About Compassionate Awareness

What is it, why do we value it, and what are the benefits?

Compassionate Awareness is the integration of 4 things:

1 - Consciousness: a set of principles that support living a life of compassion, collaboration, courage, and authenticity. Showing-up in a way you intend to.

2 - Language: understanding how words contribute to connection or distance (to self or others).

3 - Communication Skills: knowing how to ask for what we want, how to hear others even if in disagreement, and how to move towards solutions that work for all.

4 - Means of Influence: sharing “power with others” rather than using “power over others”.

Compassion serves our desire to do 3 things:

1 - Increase our ability to live with choice, meaning, intention, and connection.

2 - Connect empathically with self and others to have more satisfying relationships.

3 - Sharing of resources so everyone is able to benefit.

Why do we value Compassionate Awareness?

Most of us could brush up on our skills to improve the quality of our relationship with ourselves and others, to deepen our sense of personal empowerment or simply help us communicate more effectively. Unfortunately, most of us have been taught to mix OBSERVATIONS with comparisons to compete, judge, demand and diagnose; to think and communicate in terms of what is “right“ and “wrong“.

This habitual way we THINK and REACT sabotages our intentions to get our needs met. We fail to communicate our actual need which further creates disconnect, misunderstanding, and frustration. And still worse, this can cause anger, suffering, and escalation. As this way of communicating escalates, this may lead to violence.

As a result, reactions from negative thoughts, even with the best of intentions, generate needless conflict.

On the flip-side, compassionate awareness helps us reach to the core need and discover what is alive and vital within us, and how all of our actions are based on human needs that we are seeking to meet. We learn to develop a vocabulary of FEELINGS and needs that helps us more clearly express what is happening internally in us, and understand what is going on in others, in real time.

When we understand and acknowledge our NEEDS, we develop a shared foundation for much more satisfying relationships.

Living Intentionally

The intention to connect with ourselves and others is one of the most important goals of practicing and living NVC. We live our lives from moment to moment, yet most of the time we are on autopilot, reacting out of habit rather than out of awareness and presence of mind. By creating a space for attention and respect in every moment, NVC helps create a pathway and a practice that is accessible and approachable. Studying and practicing NVC creates a foundation for learning about ourselves and our relationships in every moment, and helps us to remain focused on what is happening right here, right now.

Four Components of Compassionate Communication

Observation:

Observation without evaluation consists of noticing concrete things and actions around us. We learn to distinguish between judgment and what we sense in the present moment, and to simply observe what is there.

Feeling:

When we notice things around us, we inevitably experience varying emotions and physical sensations in each particular moment. Here, distinguishing feelings from thoughts is an essential step to the NVC process.

Needs:

All individuals have needs and values that sustain and enrich their lives. When those needs are met, we experience comfortable feelings, like happiness or peacefulness, and when they are not, we experience uncomfortable feelings, like frustration. Understanding that we, as well as those around us, have these needs is perhaps the most important step in learning to practice NVC and to live empathically.

Request:

To make clear and present requests is crucial to NVC’s -3- transformative mission. When we learn to request concrete actions that can be carried out in the present moment, we begin to find ways to cooperatively and creatively ensure that everyone’s needs are met.

Two Parts Empathy:

Receiving

from the heart creates a means to connect with others and share experiences in a truly life enriching way. Empathy goes beyond compassion, allowing us to put ourselves into another’s shoes to sense the same feelings and understand the same needs; in essence, being open and available to what is alive in others. It also gives us the means to remain present to and aware of our own needs and the needs of others even in extreme situations that are often difficult to handle.

Honesty:

Giving from the heart has its root in honesty. Honesty begins with truly understanding ourselves and our own needs, and being in tune with what is alive in us in the present moment. When we learn to give ourselves empathy, we can start to break down the barriers to communication that keep us from connecting with others.