How to Divorce and Still Remain Friends

Divorce is one of life's most challenging experiences. The emotional, financial, and logistical complexities that arise during this process can strain even the strongest bonds. However, it's not uncommon for couples to aspire to an amicable divorce where they can part ways as friends, rather than adversaries. While it may seem like a lofty goal, it's entirely possible with the right mindset, communication, and approach. Let’s explore how to divorce and still remain friends, fostering a positive post-divorce relationship.

1.  Open and Honest Communication

The foundation of any amicable divorce is open and honest communication. Both parties must be willing to express their thoughts, feelings, and concerns without judgment or hostility. It's essential to establish a safe space where you can each share your needs and expectations openly.

Active Listening:  Practice active listening by giving your partner your full attention when they speak. Try to understand their perspective, even if you don't agree with it. Empathetic listening can go a long way in resolving conflicts.

Seek Mediation or Counseling:  Consider engaging a mediator or therapist to facilitate communication and negotiation. These professionals can help both parties express their feelings, manage emotions, and work towards mutually agreeable solutions.

2.  Prioritize the Well-being of Children

If you have children together, their well-being should be top priority. A peaceful divorce can minimize the negative impact on children. Maintain a united front when it comes to parenting decisions and avoid putting children in the middle of your conflicts.

Co-Parenting Agreement:  Consider creating a detailed co-parenting agreement that outlines responsibilities, schedules, and decision-making processes. Having a clear plan can reduce misunderstandings and conflicts.

Respect Each Other's Role:  Acknowledge each other's role as parents and support one another in maintaining a strong and loving relationship with the children. Encourage them to have a healthy relationship with both parents.

3.  Separate Emotions from Finances

Money is often a significant source of conflict during divorce proceedings. To maintain a friendship post-divorce, it's essential to separate emotions from financial decisions.

Full Financial Disclosure:  Be transparent about your financial situation. The best way to instill trust in this process is to share all relevant financial information to ensure fair and equitable asset division.

Collaborative Financial Planning:  Consider working together, or with a financial advisor, to create a financial plan that benefits both parties. This can help avoid contentious disputes over assets and alimony.

4. Set Realistic Expectations

Maintaining a friendship after divorce doesn't mean that everything will be perfect. There will still be challenges and moments of disagreement. Setting realistic expectations is crucial for a smooth transition.

Understand That Change Is Inevitable:  Accept that your relationship will change post-divorce, but that it can still be meaningful and positive. In fact, some couples find that their post-divorce friendship is stronger than their connection in marriage. 

Be Patient:  Healing takes time, and it's normal to experience a range of emotions. Give yourself and your former spouse the space and time needed to adjust to the new dynamics.

Divorce is a challenging life transition, but it doesn't have to be synonymous with animosity and bitterness. By prioritizing open communication, the well-being of children, and making a concerted effort to separate emotions from finances, couples can navigate divorce while maintaining a sense of friendship. Setting realistic expectations and being patient are key to fostering a positive post-divorce relationship. Remember that while the dynamics may change, it is entirely possible to divorce and still remain friends, paving the way for a healthier and happier future for both parties.

Author: Lana Phillips

Book Appointment: https://southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment

Embracing “Intelligent Failure”

In our culture that often glorifies success and perfection, the thought of failure may feel daunting and paralyzing. Harvard Business School professor Amy Edmondson has spent her career advocating for a different perspective—one that celebrates what she calls "intelligent failure." Edmondson's work not only revolutionizes the way organizations operate but also offers profound insights for how individuals should view successes and failures in their own life.

Understanding Intelligent Failure

At the heart of Edmondson's research lies the idea that not all failures are created equal. While conventional wisdom portrays failure as a sign of incompetence or negligence, intelligent failure is quite the opposite. It is a purposeful and calculated endeavor where individuals and organizations embrace the potential for failure as a means to learn and innovate.

One of Edmondson's key contributions is the concept of "psychological safety." She argues that creating an environment where people feel safe to voice their ideas, admit their mistakes, and take calculated risks is paramount to fostering intelligent failure. In such an environment, failure is seen as an opportunity for growth and learning rather than a career-ending misstep.

Intelligent Failure in Organizations

Edmondson's work has had big impacts in the corporate world. In organizations that encourage intelligent failure, employees are more likely to collaborate, experiment, and innovate. This leads to the development of groundbreaking products, services, and solutions. Companies like Google and Pixar have famously embraced this philosophy, creating spaces where employees are encouraged to pursue ambitious projects without the fear of immediate consequences if they fail.

By learning from their failures, organizations can adapt to changing market conditions, enhance their competitive advantage, and ultimately thrive in the long term. Edmondson's research has shown that organizations that encourage intelligent failure are more resilient and agile, better equipped to navigate uncertainty, and more capable of driving meaningful change.

Applying Intelligent Failure to Life

The principles of intelligent failure are equally applicable to areas of personal growth and self-improvement. In our journey through life, we encounter numerous challenges, setbacks, and failures. It is how we respond to these failures that ultimately determines our success and happiness.

• Embrace Risk and Change: Just as organizations need to take calculated risks to innovate, individuals must also be willing to step out of their comfort zones and embrace change. Whether it's pursuing a new career, starting a business, or learning a new skill, intelligent failure involves recognizing that setbacks are part of the process.

• Cultivate a Growth Mindset: Edmondson's work aligns with the principles of a growth mindset, as popularized by psychologist Carol Dweck. A growth mindset involves seeing challenges as opportunities for learning and development. When we view failure as a chance to grow, we are more resilient in the face of adversity.

• Foster Psychological Safety in Relationships: Just as organizations benefit from psychological safety, so do our personal relationships. Building trust and open communication with loved ones allows us to be vulnerable and admit our failures without fear of rejection or judgment, which ultimately strengthens our connections and creates a supportive bond.

• Learn from Mistakes: Perhaps the most crucial aspect of intelligent failure in life is the commitment to learning from our mistakes. Every setback or failure can provide valuable insights that contribute to personal growth and future success.

Research on intelligent failure has transformed the way we should perceive setbacks and mistakes. By embracing failure as a path to growth and innovation, organizations and individuals can thrive in an ever-changing world. As we apply these principles to our lives, we can cultivate resilience, adaptability, and a deep appreciation for the power of intelligent failure to drive our personal fulfillment.

Author: Lana Phillips

Book Appointment: https://southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment

The Risks of Seeking Dating Advice on Social Media

In our digital age, where virtual connections have become an integral part of our lives, it's no surprise that people turn to social media for advice on all sorts of topics, including dating. Platforms like Instagram, Twitter, and TikTok are filled with self-proclaimed relationship gurus and experts offering insights on love and romance. While there's no denying that social media can be a source of helpful information, there are things you should keep in mind when following dating advice dispensed online.

Oversimplification and One-Size-Fits-All Solutions

One significant risk of seeking dating advice on social media is the tendency for advice to be oversimplified or presented as a one-size-fits-all solution. Many so-called “experts” on these platforms offer quick fixes and catchy phrases that may not apply to everyone's unique situations. Love and relationships are complex, and what works for one person may not work for another. Relying on generic advice can lead to disappointment and confusion when it doesn't yield the expected results.

Lack of Qualification and Accountability

Unlike licensed therapists or relationship counselors who are bound by ethical guidelines and professional standards, social media influencers usually have no official qualifications or oversight. Anyone can position themselves as a dating expert, regardless of their actual knowledge or experience in the field. This lack of accountability can be dangerous if individuals seeking advice unknowingly follow guidance that is harmful or misguided.

Unrealistic Expectations

Social media often presents a distorted view of reality, including dating advice. Many influencers showcase their seemingly perfect relationships or offer advice based on idealized notions of love and romance. This can create unrealistic expectations and lead followers to pursue unattainable standards, perhaps causing dissatisfaction in their relationships.

Confirmation Bias

When seeking dating advice on social media, people tend to gravitate towards content that confirms their existing beliefs or desires. This confirmation bias can lead to a closed-minded approach by only accepting advice that aligns with what they want to hear. In reality, constructive advice sometimes challenges our preconceived notions and requires us to make uncomfortable changes.

Lack of Privacy and Discretion

Discussing personal and intimate matters on social media can have unintended consequences. Sharing sensitive details of your dating life in public forums can lead to breaches of privacy, harassment, or even exploitation. It's crucial to consider the potential risks associated with sharing personal information in such a public space.

Emotional Manipulation and Exploitation

Some individuals on social media may not have your best interests at heart. They may use manipulative tactics to gain followers or promote products and services. This includes exploiting your insecurities and fears to keep you engaged with their content. It's important to be vigilant and discerning when consuming dating advice online.

While social media can be a valuable source of information in many aspects of life, seeking dating advice on these platforms comes with some risks. Oversimplification, a lack of qualification, unrealistic expectations, confirmation bias, privacy concerns, and the potential for emotional manipulation are just a few of the dangers associated with relying on social media for dating guidance. To navigate the complexities of love and relationships successfully, it's advisable to seek advice from qualified professionals or trusted individuals in your life who have your best interests at heart. Remember that no one-size-fits-all solution exists for matters of the heart, and a thoughtful, individualized approach is often the most effective path to meaningful connections.

Author: Lana Phillips

Book Appointment: https://southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment

Insights from The Gottman Institute: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychologist and researcher, has dedicated his career observing relationships on a quest to discover what makes them work and what causes them to unravel. One of his most influential concepts is known as "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse," which identifies four communication patterns that can lead to the downfall of a romantic relationship if left unchecked. The four horsemen are:

Criticism

Contempt

Defensiveness

Stonewalling

Criticism

The first horseman, criticism, is attacking a partner's character rather than addressing a specific behavior or issue. It involves making sweeping negative statements about the other person, often using terms like "always" or "never." It sounds something like this:

“You always forget to do the dishes. I can never rely on you.”

Criticism can be destructive as it erodes the other person's self-esteem and creates a hostile atmosphere. Gottman's research shows that persistent criticism can be particularly harmful because it tends to escalate conflicts, making them more difficult to resolve. 

The better approach, or “antidote,” to criticism is the gentle start-up. Rather than blaming or finding fault with a partner’s behavior, it is more helpful to focus on using "I" statements, such as "I feel frustrated when the dishes aren’t done."

Contempt

Contempt is perhaps the most corrosive of the four horsemen. It involves expressing disdain, disrespect, or superiority towards one's partner. This can manifest as sarcasm, mockery, name-calling, or eye-rolling. Contempt often stems from a deep sense of resentment and can lead to long-lasting emotional wounds. It sounds like this:

“You still haven’t finished the taxes? (Eye roll.) Why am I the only competent person around here?”

Gottman's research indicates that contempt is a strong predictor of relationship dissatisfaction and divorce. 

The antidote to contempt is building a culture of respect and appreciation towards one’s partner. It’s challenging to break the cycle of contempt, but with time and better habits of expressing gratitude and appreciation, couples can begin to feel the love and respect needed to buffer against times of conflict.

Defensiveness

The third horseman, defensiveness, is a natural response to feeling attacked or criticized. Defensiveness shows up as making excuses, denying wrongdoing, or playing the victim. Unfortunately, it is also counterproductive when it involves shifting blame and failing to take responsibility for one's actions. It goes like this:

“It’s not my fault. You’re the one who overreacted.”

The antidote to defensiveness is taking ownership of one's mistakes and listening to their partner's perspective without immediately becoming defensive. A better response sounds like, "I understand why you're upset, and I'm sorry for my part in this."

Stonewalling

The fourth horseman is stonewalling which involves withdrawing from an interaction or conversation, often in response to feeling overwhelmed by conflict or criticism. Stonewalling occurs when one partner disengages, emotionally shuts down, or refuses to communicate, which leaves the other partner feeling unheard and rejected. It looks like this:

Crossing arms . . . looking away . . . staying silent . . . exiting the room.

The antidote to stonewalling is physiological self-soothing by taking a break. Couples should establish strategies for cooling off but commit to returning to the conversation later to resolve the issue constructively.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse provide valuable insights into the dynamics of relationships and how negative communication patterns can lead to their downfall. By recognizing and addressing these behaviors – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling – couples can work towards healthier, more satisfying relationships. 

Author: Lana Phillips

Book Appointment: https://southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment

Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity: A Guide Using the Gottman Approach and EFT

Infidelity can be one of the most challenging experiences a couple can face. Rebuilding trust in the aftermath of such a breach is a complex process that requires dedication, open communication, and professional guidance. In this blog post, we'll explore how the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can be powerful tools in the journey towards healing and rebuilding trust.

Understanding the Impact of Infidelity

Before embarking on the path of rebuilding trust, it's crucial to acknowledge the profound impact of infidelity on both partners. The betrayed partner often experiences feelings of betrayal, loss, and intense emotional pain. The unfaithful partner may grapple with guilt, shame, and remorse. These emotions are valid and need to be addressed with empathy and understanding.

The Gottman Method: Building a Foundation of Trust

1. Open Communication: The Gottman Method emphasizes the importance of open and honest communication. Both partners must be willing to express their feelings, concerns, and needs without fear of judgment or defensiveness.

2. Rebuilding Intimacy: Intimacy is not solely about physical closeness, but also about emotional connection. The Gottman Method encourages partners to engage in activities that foster emotional intimacy, such as sharing dreams, fears, and aspirations.

3. Re-establishing Rituals of Connection: Partners should identify and revive rituals that were once meaningful in their relationship. This could be anything from a weekly date night to morning walks together.

4. Trust-Building Behaviors: The unfaithful partner must demonstrate consistent, trust-building behaviors. This includes transparency, accountability, and a willingness to answer questions about the affair.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): Healing Emotional Bonds

1. Creating a Secure Emotional Connection: EFT focuses on creating a safe and secure emotional bond between partners. Through guided conversations, couples learn to express their emotions and needs in a constructive manner.

2. Processing and Validating Emotions: Both partners need to acknowledge and validate each other's emotions. This helps create an environment where both individuals feel heard and understood.

3. Identifying Attachment Patterns: EFT helps couples recognize and understand their attachment patterns, which may contribute to relationship distress. By recognizing and addressing these patterns, couples can forge healthier connections.

4. Forgiveness and Letting Go: EFT assists couples in the process of forgiveness, which is essential for healing. Forgiveness doesn't mean condoning the infidelity, but rather, it signifies a willingness to move forward without holding onto resentment.

Combining Approaches for Maximum Impact

The power of combining the Gottman Method and EFT lies in their complementary nature. While the Gottman Method focuses on rebuilding trust through concrete actions and behaviors, EFT delves deep into the emotional landscape, facilitating healing from the inside out.

Remember, rebuilding trust after infidelity is a journey that requires time, patience, and professional guidance. Seeking the support of a trained therapist experienced in both the Gottman Method and EFT can provide the necessary tools and insights for a path towards healing, renewed intimacy, and a stronger, more resilient partnership.

Strength in Seeking Help: Debunking the Stigma Surrounding Therapy

In a world that often emphasizes self-reliance and stoicism, it's not uncommon for people to view seeking therapy as a sign of weakness or personal failure. The truth, however, is far from this misconception. Therapy is not a testament to one's weakness or defectiveness; rather, it is an act of courage and strength. In this blog post, we aim to debunk the stigma surrounding therapy and highlight why seeking help is not a sign of weakness, but rather a powerful step towards self-improvement and emotional well-being.

Understanding the Stigma

Before we delve into the reasons why therapy is not weak, let's address the stigma that surrounds it. This stigma often stems from misconceptions about mental health and the belief that admitting you need help equates to admitting weakness. In reality, mental health struggles are incredibly common, and seeking therapy is a proactive and responsible way to address them.

Acknowledging Vulnerability is a Sign of Strength

One of the most significant misconceptions about therapy is that it's only for those who can't handle their problems on their own. This couldn't be further from the truth. In reality, therapy is a space where individuals can explore their feelings, vulnerabilities, and challenges with the guidance of a trained professional. Acknowledging that you have vulnerabilities and are willing to work on them takes immense strength.

Therapy Promotes Self-Reflection

Therapy provides an opportunity for deep self-reflection and personal growth. It encourages individuals to confront their fears, past traumas, and unresolved issues. This introspective journey is an essential part of personal development and is far from a sign of weakness. It takes immense courage to face one's own demons and work towards a better, healthier self.

Developing Coping Skills

Life is full of challenges, and no one is immune to stress, anxiety, or difficult experiences. Therapy equips individuals with valuable coping skills and strategies to navigate these challenges effectively. Seeking help to learn how to cope with life's ups and downs is a proactive and intelligent decision, not a sign of weakness.

Overcoming Social and Cultural Stigmas

Society often perpetuates the myth that seeking help for mental health issues is a sign of weakness. This cultural stigma can be particularly harmful, as it discourages individuals from seeking the support they need. However, as more people openly discuss their experiences with therapy and mental health, these stigmas are gradually eroding. Choosing therapy contributes to this positive change and helps break down harmful stereotypes.

The Courage to Heal

Many individuals who seek therapy have experienced significant trauma or difficult life events. The courage it takes to confront past traumas, heal emotional wounds, and work towards a brighter future is a testament to inner strength. It is a decision to actively reclaim one's life and well-being, not a sign of weakness.

Therapy as a Preventive Measure

Therapy isn't just for crisis moments; it's a valuable tool for maintaining good mental health and preventing future issues. Regular therapy sessions can help individuals build emotional resilience, improve self-awareness, and develop healthy relationships. Proactively investing in your mental health is a powerful choice that demonstrates strength and wisdom.

A Supportive and Confidential Environment

Therapists provide a safe and confidential space for individuals to share their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment. This environment fosters trust and allows individuals to explore their emotions honestly. Seeking this kind of support is a responsible and brave act.

In conclusion, seeking therapy is not a sign of weakness; it's a testament to courage, self-awareness, and a commitment to personal growth. The stigma surrounding therapy is rooted in misconceptions about mental health and outdated stereotypes. By choosing therapy, individuals demonstrate their strength in acknowledging vulnerability, promoting self-reflection, developing coping skills, and actively working towards a better future.

It's time to debunk the myth that seeking help is a sign of weakness. Instead, let's celebrate those who have the courage to heal, the wisdom to invest in their mental health, and the strength to seek therapy. In doing so, we can collectively contribute to a society that values mental health and understands that seeking therapy is an act of bravery, not weakness.

By Kaitlin Lowey: Book with her here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/KaitlinLowey

Embracing Change: Using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) Tools to Tackle Anxiety

Anxiety can be an overwhelming and paralyzing force in our lives. It can make us feel trapped, unable to move forward, and disconnected from our true selves. However, there is hope. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (often shortened as ACT) offers valuable tools and strategies to help individuals not only manage their anxiety but also lead a more fulfilling and meaningful life. In this blog post, we will explore some ACT tools that can be instrumental in handling anxiety.

Understanding Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

ACT is a modern form of psychotherapy that combines cognitive behavioral techniques with mindfulness strategies. ACT is grounded in the belief that suffering arises from our attempts to avoid or control unpleasant thoughts, feelings, and sensations. Instead of trying to eliminate anxiety, ACT encourages individuals to accept it as a natural part of the human experience and commit to taking meaningful actions despite it.

ACT Tools to Handle Anxiety

Mindfulness and Present Moment Awareness

Mindfulness is a core component of ACT. It involves paying attention to the present moment without judgment. When dealing with anxiety, practicing mindfulness can help individuals become more aware of their anxious thoughts and bodily sensations. By observing these thoughts and sensations without trying to eliminate or suppress them, individuals can reduce their anxiety's grip on their lives.

A simple mindfulness exercise for anxiety involves taking a few deep breaths and focusing on your breath. When anxious thoughts arise, acknowledge them without judgment, and gently return your attention to your breath. This practice can create a sense of distance between you and your anxiety, allowing you to respond more skillfully.

Defusion Techniques

Defusion is the process of creating psychological distance from your thoughts. Anxiety often results from getting entangled in catastrophic thoughts and worst-case scenarios. ACT offers several techniques to defuse from these thoughts:

a. Name your thoughts: Give your anxious thoughts a funny or absurd name. For example, if you're worried about a work presentation, you could call it "The Nervous Noodle." This technique helps you see your thoughts as just thoughts, not objective truths.

b. Use metaphor: Imagine your thoughts as passing clouds or leaves floating down a stream. This visualization can help you detach from your anxious thoughts and see them as transient.

Values Clarification

An essential aspect of ACT is identifying and clarifying your values—what truly matters to you in life. Anxiety often arises when our actions are not aligned with our values. By recognizing and committing to values that are meaningful to you, you can make decisions and take actions that are in line with your authentic self, reducing anxiety in the process.

Committed Action

ACT encourages individuals to take action that aligns with their values, even in the presence of anxiety. This means stepping out of your comfort zone and engaging in activities that may trigger anxiety. Over time, exposure to these situations can reduce the intensity of anxiety responses and help you lead a more fulfilling life.

Self-Compassion

Anxiety can be exacerbated by self-criticism and harsh self-judgment. ACT emphasizes self-compassion as a tool for managing anxiety. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer to a friend facing a similar challenge. Self-compassion can create a buffer against the emotional impact of anxiety and foster a sense of resilience.

Acceptance

As the 'A' in ACT suggests, acceptance is a crucial aspect of the therapy. It's about accepting your emotions, thoughts, and bodily sensations, even when they are uncomfortable or distressing. Instead of trying to fight or suppress anxiety, acknowledge its presence and give yourself permission to experience it without judgment.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) provides a powerful framework and a set of practical tools for individuals struggling with anxiety. By embracing mindfulness, defusion techniques, values clarification, committed action, self-compassion, and acceptance, you can not only manage your anxiety but also move towards a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

Remember that anxiety is a natural part of the human experience, and it doesn't have to control your life. With the help of ACT tools, you can learn to coexist with anxiety while still pursuing the life you want to live. Embrace change, practice self-compassion, and commit to actions that align with your values—these are the keys to handling anxiety and unlocking a brighter, more fulfilling future.

By Kaitlin Lowey: Book with her here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/KaitlinLowey

Overcoming Harm OCD: A Journey to Healing and Empowerment

Living with Harm OCD can be an overwhelming and distressing experience. This particular subtype of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) revolves around intrusive thoughts and fears of causing harm to oneself or others, despite having no intent or desire to do so. If you find yourself struggling with Harm OCD, know that you are not alone, and there is help available to guide you on a path of healing and empowerment. This blog post aims to shed light on Harm OCD and provide guidance for seeking the help and support you need to overcome its challenges.

Understanding Harm OCD

Harm OCD is characterized by recurrent, distressing thoughts, images, or urges related to causing harm to oneself or others. These thoughts are often violent, graphic, and unwanted, causing significant anxiety and distress. Contrary to their thoughts, individuals with Harm OCD typically have a strong aversion to violence and strive to protect themselves and others. The intrusive nature of these thoughts can make individuals question their moral character and sanity, leading to increased anxiety and isolation.

Recognizing Symptoms of Harm OCD

It is essential to recognize the symptoms of Harm OCD to understand if you or someone you know is experiencing this condition. Common signs of Harm OCD include:

1. Intrusive Thoughts: Involuntary and distressing thoughts of causing harm, even when the individual has no intention or desire to do so.

2. Compulsions, such as:

1. Mental Rituals: Engaging in repetitive mental rituals, such as praying, counting, or seeking reassurance, to alleviate anxiety triggered by the intrusive thoughts.

2. Physical Rituals: Performing repetitive physical rituals, such as handwashing or checking behaviors, to prevent perceived harm from occurring.

3. Avoidance Behaviors: Avoiding situations or people that trigger the intrusive thoughts, leading to social withdrawal and isolation.

3. Emotional Distress: Feeling intense guilt, shame, and anxiety about the presence of these thoughts and fears of acting on them.

Seeking Help for Harm OCD

If you or someone you know is struggling with Harm OCD, there is hope and effective help available. Seeking help from a qualified mental health professional experienced in treating OCD is the best step towards healing. A therapist or counselor can provide a safe and non-judgmental space for you to discuss your symptoms, teach you about OCD, and provide treatment options. Research shows that Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) is consistently the most effective form of therapy for OCD. It involves confronting the intrusive thoughts and situations that trigger anxiety, without engaging in the compulsive behaviors that temporarily relieve distress. Over time, ERP helps to desensitize you to the thoughts and reduces their power over your daily life. Often, therapists combine ERP with aspects of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy to help prepare their clients to nonjudgmentally accept the existence of their thoughts and emotions and respond to them in a more balanced way. In some cases, medication, such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), may be prescribed to help manage the symptoms of Harm OCD, in conjunction with ERP. Consult a psychiatrist to determine if medication is suitable for your specific situation.

Conclusion

Living with Harm OCD can be an overwhelming and distressing experience, but you don't have to face it alone. Seeking help from a qualified mental health professional experienced in treating OCD can set you on a path to healing and empowerment. Remember that Harm OCD does not define your character or intent, and you can learn to manage and overcome its challenges through evidence-based therapies like CBT and ERP. Be patient with yourself as you embark on this journey, and know that with the right support, there is hope for a brighter and more fulfilling future ahead. You deserve to live a life free from the chains of Harm OCD, and with determination and support, you can achieve it.

By Kaitlin Lowey: Book with her here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/KaitlinLowey

Understanding Sexual Orientation OCD: Seeking Help and Finding Hope

By Kaitlin Lowey: Book with her here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/KaitlinLowey

Sexual orientation is a fundamental aspect of human identity, but for some individuals, uncertainty and doubt can lead to distressing thoughts about their sexual identity. Sexual Orientation OCD is a specific form of OCD that revolves around fears, doubts, and intrusive thoughts related to one's sexual orientation. If you are struggling with Sexual Orientation OCD, know that you are not alone, and there is hope for finding understanding, acceptance, and effective help. In this blog post, we will delve into the complexities of Sexual Orientation OCD and explore ways to seek support on your journey to healing.

Understanding Sexual Orientation OCD

Sexual Orientation OCD is characterized by obsessive and intrusive thoughts, doubts, and fears about one's sexual orientation. Individuals with this condition often experience distressing thoughts that they might be gay, lesbian, bisexual, or another orientation, even if their true sexual orientation does not align with these thoughts. It is important to note that sexual orientation is a natural and diverse aspect of human identity and should not be confused with OCD-related obsessions.

Symptoms of Sexual Orientation OCD

The symptoms of Sexual Orientation OCD can manifest differently from person to person, but common signs include:

1. Intrusive Thoughts: Recurring, distressing, and unwanted thoughts about one's sexual orientation. These thoughts might occur frequently, taking up hours of an individual’s time each day. 

2. Compulsions: Behaviors or mental rituals undertaken to neutralize the anxiety caused by the intrusive thoughts. These might include seeking reassurance from others, researching or seeking evidence of sexual orientation, or avoiding situations that trigger the thoughts.

3. Emotional Distress: Feelings of shame, guilt, anxiety, and confusion about one's true sexual orientation.

4. Impact on Daily Life: The obsessions and compulsions associated with Sexual Orientation OCD can significantly interfere with daily activities, relationships, and overall well-being.

Seeking Help for Sexual Orientation OCD

1. Reach Out to a Mental Health Professional who Specializes in OCD: Since sexual orientation OCD is less common than typical manifestations of OCD including contamination, checking, ordering, unacceptable thoughts, and hoarding, sexual orientation OCD can be misunderstood and misdiagnosed by mental health clinicians as dysphoria due to denial of one’s “true” sexual orientation. That’s why seeking help from a qualified mental health professional with experience in treating OCD and related conditions is essential.

2. Therapists can provide a safe, non-judgmental space for you to discuss your thoughts and feelings and work on developing coping strategies. Your therapist will educate you on OCD and its various manifestations to help you better understand the condition. You will also learn about the best treatment approaches and options, such as ERP. 

3. Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP): ERP is the gold standard for OCD treatment. It is a specific technique within CBT that involves deliberately facing the fears and anxieties associated with your OCD without resorting to the compulsions that temporarily relieve distress. This process helps to reduce the power of the intrusive thoughts over time.

4. Medication: In some cases, medication, such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), may be prescribed to help manage the symptoms of Sexual Orientation OCD. Consult a psychiatrist to determine if medication is suitable for your specific situation.

5. Support Groups: Connecting with others who have experienced or are experiencing Sexual Orientation OCD can be reassuring and validating. Consider joining online or in-person support groups to share your experiences and learn from others.

Conclusion

Sexual Orientation OCD can be a distressing and isolating condition, but with the right help and support, healing and acceptance are possible. Remember that your sexual orientation is valid, and intrusive thoughts do not define who you are. Seeking professional help from a mental health provider experienced in treating OCD can be a significant step towards managing and overcoming Sexual Orientation OCD. By educating yourself, seeking support, and engaging in evidence-based therapies, you can embark on a path of understanding, acceptance, and healing. Be patient with yourself and know that there is hope for a brighter and more empowered future ahead.

By Kaitlin Lowey: Book with her here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/KaitlinLowey

Cultivate A Secure Attachment Style... without Being Anxious or Avoidant

All relationships are unique - one explanation won't describe them all

Every human being craves a sense of belonging, either toward family, friends, or a spouse. When humans become attached to someone, the influence of one on the other regulates their natural states. It influences each other's psychological and emotional well-being.

Humans need to form close bonds with others in order to feel secure and safe in life.

Relationship problems can be excruciating; they encompass the innermost core of people's lives.

No one has a finite description that fits the bill as each case of relationship issues is unique and personal, coming from an endless number of possible root causes.

You may suffer from constant tension and emotional problems if your partner cannot meet your basic needs, which can have severe consequences on your emotional well-being, self-esteem, and even physical health. That's why it's essential to understand your attachment style and the attachment style of people close to you, especially your spouse. 

Research has shown there are three main attachment styles or manners in which people see, understand, and respond to intimacy in romantic relationships. These findings are parallel to those found in children:

•   Secure attachment style

•   Anxious attachment style

•   Avoidant attachment style

If you are someone with an anxious attachment style, you'll spend a lot of time worrying and thinking about whether your partner loves or cares for you. You will also be bothered about if they're spending enough time with you and what is going on in their mind when they don't call you back within a few minutes of missing your call.

The avoidant attachment style indicates that you value your independence and time alone more than your relationship. A secure attachment style fits between both styles. It is an ideal balance between caring enough and not worrying too much.

People with each of these attachment styles show lots of differences in:

•   The way they see intimacy and togetherness.

•   The way they deal with conflict.

•   Their behavior towards sex.

•   Their ability and means to communicate their wishes and needs.

•   Their expectations and desires from their partner and the relationship.

• In this summary, you will learn more about how you develop attachments to other people and how to enhance your relationships and become closer. After all, isn't that what we all want?

Attachment styles are dictated by your upbringing

Your current attachment style is determined by how you were cared for as a baby. In other words, if your parents were sensitive, available, and responsive, you would have a secure attachment style. If your parents were inconsistent and inappropriately responsive, you would likely develop an anxious attachment style. If they were distant, rigid, uncaring, and unresponsive, you would probably display an avoidant attachment style.

But this doesn't mean you can't change your attachment style over time; you would need to have positive experiences with partners, friends, and family members in order to turn the tide to help rewire your brain into thinking a new way.

The way you were treated as a child affects your life in a huge way. You learn how to love, feel, and react from your parents.

However, total change isn't always necessary.

Sometimes it's better to understand your current style of attachment, work out the negative elements and twist them into something positive, and learn to get the most out of your situation.

Someone with an anxious attachment style can learn to be more at ease when away from their partner. That doesn't mean they're instantly going to be comfortable with it and have no issues from that point onwards. It simply means that they're making baby steps towards changing a harmful habit. Whether a person can ever entirely change their attachment style is very debatable. What you can do is identify your partner's attachment style and be more understanding.

Did you know? The "dependency paradox" states that the closer you are to your partner, the more independent you're able to become on your own.

It means that you know you have someone close to you if you need support or help.

When you understand attachment, you're able to connect more meaningfully with other people.

Understanding your specific attachment profile will help you know yourself more, achieve more goals, and guide you in your relations with others, bringing happiness and fulfillment to your relationships.

When people hear about relationship attachment styles, they usually have no difficulty recognizing their style. Some people declare right away, "I'm anxious," "I'm avoidant," or, "I think I'm secure," while others have a more challenging time figuring it out.

Attachment styles are stable most of the time but still subject to change.

If you find it difficult figuring out your attachment style, the following guide will help:

•   If you feel quite relaxed around your partner and you're not constantly questioning the connection, you're secure in your union.

•   Suppose you desire and long for intimacy and closeness, but you have many insecurities, are unsure where the relationship is going, and little things your partner does sets you off and anger you. In this case, you're probably anxious.

• You're probably avoidant if you feel uncomfortable when things become steamy and intimate, or you value your independence and freedom more than any relationship.

Discovering other people's attachment styles is usually more stringent than identifying your own. You alone know yourself best, but knowing yourself is not just how you behave; it's also what you feel and think when in a relationship. To make this easier, most people give away all the clues about their attachment style by how they live their lives and their actions without even knowing it. The deal is to know what to look for.

Golden Rules for discovering your partner's attachment style:

•   Find out whether they seek intimacy and closeness.

•   Discover how preoccupied and involved they are with the relationship and how sensitive they are to rejection.

•   Don't focus on one "symptom," look for various signs.

• Assess their reaction to effective communication.

•   Be alert and look for what they are not saying or doing                                                               

  Things to note before getting serious with a partner

• When getting involved with someone, carefully tread; the stakes are high, and your happiness depends on it, especially true if you have an anxious attachment style. All happiness or unhappiness solely depends upon the quality of the object to which love attaches us.

• People with an anxious attachment style are quick to notice changes in others' emotional expressions. They are also sensitive to other people's cues. However, they also jump to conclusions very quickly, and when they do, they tend to misinterpret people's emotional states.

• Practicing patience is an essential lesson for someone with an anxious attachment style.

• If you can wait a little longer before reacting and jumping to conclusions, you will be able to understand the world around you and use it to your advantage.

  If you're anxious, you may want to learn a lot about dating someone avoidant because of the following reasons:

• You want closeness and intimacy, and they want to maintain some distance - emotionally and physically.

• You are very sensitive to any rejection, and they send mixed signals that you often interpret as rejection.

• You often find it challenging to read verbal and non-verbal cues during communication and they don't think it's their responsibility to do so. 

• You need to be reassured, shown love, and feel loved, but they tend to put you down to create distance as a means to deactivate their own attachment system.                                                

• Effective communication means that you communicate in a way that is inoffensive and does not put your partner on the spot but allows them to be open with you without feeling attacked, criticized, or blamed.

Learn what suppresses your ability to attach to others in a meaningful way

Your attachment style decides what you expect in relationships, how you interpret and see romantic situations, and how you behave with your date or partner.

Avoidant attachment types may try to keep people at a distance, even in a serious relationship.

Here are some popular strategies that suppress one's attachment system:

•   Acting or thinking, "I'm not ready to commit"

•   Focusing on minute imperfections in your partner

•   Flirting with others without caring about your partner's thoughts

•   Not saying, "I love you," often

•   Avoiding physical closeness

If you're avoidant, you may unconsciously act out these small, everyday deactivating strategies to ensure that the person you love won't get in the way of your freedom.

Imagine if a parent couldn't read their infant's cues. The parent wouldn't tell whether their baby is hungry or tired, wanting to be held or left alone, wet or sick. How difficult life would be for the baby and the parents. The baby would have to labor hard and cry so much longer to be understood.

An avoidant attachment style can often make you feel like this. You will not be firm at translating the many verbal and nonverbal signals you receive during everyday interactions into a coherent understanding of your lover's mental state, causing a lot of problems in your relationship.

However, the good news is that there are things you can start doing today to stop pushing love away, such as:

•   Identifying deactivating strategies.

•   Removing emphasis on self-reliance and focusing on mutual support.

•   Being with a very secure partner.

•   Knowing your tendency to misinterpret behaviors.

Avoidants should embrace the idea of finding a partner who is a fit for them to help push down their avoidant behaviors and thoughts so they can focus on the positives.

Cultivate the secure attachment style to enjoy higher levels of satisfaction.

Many experts agree those with avoidant attachment styles tend to be less happy and satisfied in their relationships, because they can never totally connect with their partner. They will always have something on their minds that makes them question whether it's right, safe, and appropriate to be there.

It is believed that each attachment style evolved and improved to increase the survival chances of humans in particular environments.

Studies have demonstrated that individuals with a secure attachment style report higher satisfaction levels in their relationships than people with other attachment styles. Happiness is the primary measure of satisfaction.

People with a secure attachment style are more likely than others to forgive their partner for wrongdoing. Secure people naturally dwell less on the negative and can turn off upsetting emotions without becoming defensively distant.

People with secure attachment styles fare better in relationships and create fantastic effects, raising their insecure partner's relationship satisfaction and functioning to a greater level.

So, if you're with someone secure, they will nurture you into a more confident stance.

Some of the following characteristics influence every aspect of romantic relationships:

•   Great conflict deflators

•   Mentally flexible and smart

•   Effective and great communicators (NVC)

•   Avoids game playing

•   Comfortable with closeness and boundaries

•   Quick to forgive

•   Practices and views sex and emotional intimacy as one

•   Treats their partners like royalty, with respect

•   Secure and confident in their power to improve the relationship

•   Responsible for their partners' overall wellbeing

There is evidence to show that a secure attachment style doesn't originate from a single source. Many factors, aside from parenting, such as genes and romantic experiences as adults, come together to create a safe attachment pattern.

Making a secure base for your partner entails that you do the following:

•   Manage conflict effectively 

•   Don't play games

•   Be comfortable with closeness

•   Set boundaries

•   Be quick to forgive

• Learn more about Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples

•   Have mental flexibility

•   Communicate compassionately and effectively

•   Be secure in your power to improve the relationship

•   Treat your partner like royalty

• Non-violent Communication NVC Skills can help tremendously 

Conclusion

Genes sometimes affect the way we act and the decisions we make. However, to become attracted and attached to another, we must use our willpower and focus on learning the nature of attachment to create healthy and strong connections. Connections are essential for a happy life, after all.

Always remember that your attachment needs are legitimate. Do not feel bad for depending on the person you are closest to - it is part of your genetic makeup. A relationship or attachment should make you feel more confident, happier and give you peace of mind. If it doesn't, this is a wake-up call to make things better. Above all, remain true to your authentic self; avoid playing games - it will only distance you from your ultimate goal of finding real joy and happiness, be it with your current partner or someone else.

It's easy to focus on the things you deem to be negative about yourself, but the truth is that nobody is perfect; we all have strengths and weaknesses. Concentrating on your weaknesses too much will not allow your strengths to shine, and as such, you'll beat yourself up for minor mistakes you make. Relationships are about give and take but there also about trust and weaknesses. Concentrating on your weaknesses too much will not allow your strengths to shine, and as such, you'll beat yourself up for minor mistakes you make. Relationships are about give and take, but they're also about trust and forgiveness.

It's time for a bit of soul searching. Do you avoid commitment, or do you run towards it too fast?

How do you interact with your partner? Do you truly listen to them, or do you speak over them all the time? Sometimes we make small mistakes without realizing it, purely because they're part of our genetic makeup. However, that doesn't mean you can't identify them and then work to change their adverse effects.

Try this:

• Practice using NVC Nonviolent Communication (aka Compassionate Communication).

• Learn to listen as much as you speak! Effective communication isn't just about saying words in the right way; it's also about listening to your partner and reading body language to get the whole picture.

• Identify your attachment style. Do you avoid attachment out of fear? Understanding your attachment style will allow you to make progress and overcome any blocks between you and relationship happiness   

• Have trust and patience in your partner.

• Learn about the Gottman Approach.

Sometimes it takes people a little longer to open up, and that's okay! Rushing the situation will only lead to a negative outcome. Take your time!

Book an appointment with Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney to learn more about your attachment style:

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ElizabethMahaneyLMHCMFTPhD

Transform Anger Into Connection

Transforming anger into an opportunity for connection and growth in intimate relationships is possible through the practice of Nonviolent Communication (NVC).

When anger arises in a relationship, couples often fall into destructive communication patterns, exacerbating the initial pain and creating a cycle of suffering. However, NVC offers a way to break this cycle and foster understanding and connection.

Marshall Rosenberg's insight into anger helps shed light on its underlying dynamics. When someone is angry, it indicates a strong need that they urgently want to be met. However, in an attempt to ensure their needs are met, they may employ moralistic rules, which often lead to unpleasant treatment of others. Recognizing these underlying needs and shifting the focus from moralistic rules to unmet needs is crucial for transforming anger into understanding and connection.

To identify the unmet needs behind anger, it is important to look beyond the rules and reactions of the person expressing anger. One approach is to set aside one's own reactions and inquire about the person's upset. Asking questions like, "When I hear that you are upset about this, it tells me there was a way you wanted to be treated that didn't happen. Am I right?" opens up the conversation and invites the person to share their perspective.

Continuing the exploration of unmet needs, asking questions about the ideal way they would have liked to be treated can help uncover their desires and dreams for the relationship. This can include questions such as, "If you could have been treated in a way that was perfect for you, what would that look like? What would have happened?" This process encourages them to think about the positive outcomes they envision and articulate their needs more explicitly.

The answers provided serve as clues to identify their unmet needs. By presenting different possibilities and allowing them to decide what resonates, it becomes easier to narrow down and understand their specific needs. This process is akin to trying on different clothes until the right fit is found. It requires empathy, active listening, and an open mind to accurately grasp the underlying needs being expressed.

By delving deeper into their needs and offering empathy and understanding, the initial anger can be transformed into a sense of relief, relaxation, and genuine connection. This process of uncovering and addressing needs is a form of deep empathy that brings joy and closeness to the relationship.

While learning this approach may take time and practice, it cultivates a sense of eagerness to explore the needs underlying anger and fosters a stronger bond between partners. Through NVC, anger can be seen as an opportunity for growth, understanding, and strengthening the connection in intimate relationships.

Communication Skills in Intimate Relationships

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) skills can greatly benefit intimate relationships by promoting understanding, preventing conflicts, and deepening connections.

In intimate relationships, the emotional investment is high, making disconnections and conflicts particularly painful. NVC provides a framework for conscious and empathetic communication, allowing partners to navigate misunderstandings and conflicts with compassion and respect.

Communication is essential in intimate relationships because it is the primary means of connection. Without effective communication, relationships lack intimacy and can become strained. By developing NVC skills, individuals can establish mutual understanding, build trust, and create satisfying ways of relating.

The importance of communication in intimate relationships can be likened to the metaphor of "digging a well before you're thirsty." It emphasizes the need to invest in communication skills before conflicts arise. Rather than waiting until a full-blown conflict occurs, it is beneficial to proactively develop communication skills to prevent misunderstandings and conflicts from escalating. This proactive approach allows couples to conserve mental and emotional energy and avoid unnecessary suffering.

NVC skills not only help resolve conflicts but also contribute to the ongoing deepening of connections. By practicing active listening and understanding each other's feelings, needs, and desires, partners can nurture a sense of intimacy and emotional closeness. This deeper level of communication enhances the overall quality of the relationship.

Common communication problems in relationships, such as listening to respond instead of understand, can be addressed through NVC. By actively listening to understand without immediately offering solutions or judgments, partners can create a safe space for open and vulnerable communication. When individuals feel understood, they are more receptive to hearing the other person's perspective. This empathetic dynamic promotes authentic connection and often leads to the resolution of conflicts.

It is important to note that NVC is not about agreement but understanding.

It allows partners to communicate their thoughts, feelings, and needs while respecting and acknowledging each other's perspectives. This approach fosters a sense of empathy, which is essential for maintaining healthy and harmonious intimate relationships.

In summary, NVC skills are invaluable for intimate relationships. By cultivating conscious and empathetic communication, couples can prevent misunderstandings, resolve conflicts, and deepen their connections. The practice of NVC not only contributes to a more fulfilling relationship but also enhances personal growth and emotional well-being.

These situations easily lead to misunderstandings which can lead to conflicts.

A true-life example: a woman said to her male partner, “I don’t want to be so wifey.”

What she meant: “I don’t want to be the only one doing the housework.”

What he heard: “I don’t want to be married to you anymore.”

This couple ended up divorcing — true story — and is an example of a small miscommunication that can spiral out of control quickly if we don’t catch it. So slowing down, listening to understand, and asking clarifying questions can save us all a lot of heartbreak! (In the example of the couple above, their large group of friends also went through a form of heartbreak.)

Using Nonviolent Communication (NVC) in relationships involves remembering three key elements: Purpose, Intention, and Attention.

The purpose of NVC is to create a high quality of connection that allows individuals to naturally contribute to each other's well-being. It is not about getting others to do what you want or achieving a specific outcome. By focusing on connection first, mutually satisfying solutions can be found.

When entering a conversation or interaction, check your intention. Is it to be right or to connect? Willingness to let go of being right and preferred outcomes can pave the way for genuine connection and collaborative problem-solving.

Using NVC in relationships requires skillful deployment of attention. Instead of focusing on who's right or wrong, direct your attention to feelings and needs. Recognize the humanity in yourself and your partner, allowing for deeper understanding and mutual fulfillment.

Improving communication in a relationship through NVC involves becoming aware of and transforming old, unconscious patterns that hinder the desired quality of connection. While it may take time and effort, as you practice NVC, it becomes more natural and efficient.

Remember that NVC encourages connection before finding solutions.

Taking the time to understand each other's observations, feelings, needs, and requests is crucial for arriving at strategies that meet the needs of both partners. By using purpose, intention, and attention, NVC can lead to deeper and more satisfying relationships.

Book an appointment with author Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney and learn better communication skills:

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/initialintake

How I Integrate Gottman Method Couples Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy

Integrating the Gottman Method Couples Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy allows for a flexible approach that can shift between relationship-building and attachment-oriented therapy based on the client's needs. In the late 1970s and early 1980s, Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Susan Johnson conducted pioneering research on creating happy and lasting relationships. Initially known primarily in academic circles, their work provided an empirical foundation to the often chaotic and unpredictable field of couples therapy.

Both Gottman and Johnson developed unique models of successful adult relationships, based on different perspectives and data sets. Gottman's research focused on longitudinal and observational studies of couples, examining both distressed relationships and satisfying ones. Johnson, on the other hand, drew from the theoretical framework of John Bowlby and her extensive experience in decoding and tracking couples therapy sessions, resulting in an empirical model of couples therapy.

The Gottmans emphasized relationship skill-building and an existential lens, while Johnson's approach was firmly grounded in Attachment Theory. There were also differences in their views on couples therapy and the role of the therapist. The Gottmans cautioned against therapists becoming indispensable to the couple and encouraged coaching couples to manage their own conflicts and intimacy. Johnson, however, saw the therapist as a "secure base" and aimed to create a secure container where anxiously or avoidantly attached partners could express vulnerable feelings and needs.

Despite their differences, the exciting development lies in the convergence of their approaches and the ability to seamlessly integrate both in couples therapy. This integration allows therapists to adapt their approach based on the couple's emotional system.

When working with couples, I begin with the Gottman Method, using the Sound Relationship House model. It provides a practical and understandable framework that couples can readily adopt. The structured assessment process of the Gottman Method is reassuring and transparent, allowing couples to share their story, be heard individually and together, and identify their relationship strengths and areas for growth. The process instills hope as strengths are highlighted, growth areas are connected with specific skills to be learned, and couples leave with a roadmap for their therapeutic journey.

However, the real work starts when addressing the emotional focus and the influence of attachment histories, styles, and internal working models in intimate relationships, as recognized by both Gottman and Johnson. While helping couples replace destructive patterns with healthier alternatives, I am attuned to their negative emotional cycles and unresolved hurts. With Gottman's language and relationship science in one hand and Johnson's emotion-focused and interpersonal tools in the other, I weave both approaches into the therapeutic process.

For example, when addressing criticism and contempt, I provide practical information to one spouse while simultaneously validating and exploring the attachment needs and emotions of the other partner. I employ Gottman's structured exercises, such as the Aftermath of a Regrettable Incident form, to help couples process arguments and improve their dialogue. Simultaneously, I examine the underlying dynamics of the conflict, considering attachment histories and their impact on individuals' ability to let go of anger or offer tenderness.

The integration of Gottman and Johnson becomes evident in working with bids, turning towards, and processing failed bids. I understand that not all hurts are equal and that certain emotional injuries can be traumatic, triggering deeply held beliefs about oneself, the partner, and relationships. Gottman's Sound Relationship House theory helps couples understand the connection between emotional bank accounts and the overall health of the relationship. Johnson's tools, on the other hand, aid in repairing depleted emotional accounts, acknowledging and healing attachment injuries, and restoring the bond between partners.

While I confess my initial affinity for the Gottman Method, finding comfort in its alignment with my therapeutic style, Johnson's approach challenges me to navigate the depths of primary emotions.

References:

Gottman, J.M. (2007). Marital Therapy: A research-based approach. Training manual for the Level I professional workshop for clinicians. Seattle, WA: The Gottman Institute.

Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. New York: Little Brown and Company.

Meunier, V. and Baker, W. (2012). Positive Couple Relationships: The evidence for long lasting relationship satisfaction and happiness. In Roffey, S. (Ed.) Positive Relationships: Evidence-based practice across the world. Sydney, Australia: Springer Publications.

Young, M.A. (2005). Creating a Confluence: An Interview With Susan Johnson and John Gottman. The Family Journal, 13(2), 219-225.

Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, Ph.D

Book an appointment with Dr. Liz: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/initialintake

Preparing for the Climb: What to expect in your first therapy session

Congratulations on scheduling your first counseling appointment! If this is your first time in therapy, you may be wondering what it’s going to be like that first appointment. Even if it’s not your first venture into counseling, it’s helpful to know what to expect with your new counselor (me). 

I like to think of undertaking therapy as similar to climbing a mountain. Just like the steps one takes to prepare for an intense climb, the therapy process starts with gathering information, taking stock of your equipment/tools, and making a plan. Using this metaphor, let’s talk about the first step in therapy: the intake appointment. 

Step 1: Meet your climbing partner 

Climbing a mountain is hard work. It helps to take a climbing partner with you – ideally someone who has climbed before and is dedicated to walking with you through the most challenging parts. The same is true with counseling. During your first session, I will introduce myself to you and go over a few important details about the counseling process. 

A little bit about your climbing partner/therapist: Right now I am a Supervised Therapist at South Tampa Therapy, which means I am counseling under the supervision and licensure of Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney while I finish up my final 18 weeks of my Masters in Counseling program Northwestern University. (Previously, I spent 12 years working in corporate America.) My current education has qualified and prepared me to counsel individuals, couples, and families experiencing a variety of life challenges, and over the past year I have accumulated 1,000 hours of experience in clinical mental health settings. I take a collaborative, integrative, and holistic approach, which means I look at the whole person and pull in evidence-based tools from various counseling theories based on what we both believe will be most helpful for you. (Approaches I often use for individuals include Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) including Exposure with Response Prevention (ERP), Narrative, Internal Family Systems, and Psychodynamic; for couples, I also use Gottman and Emotion-Focused Therapy.) 

Step 2: Learn about the climb

A climber needs to be informed about the mountain they are climbing, including any risks, benefits, requirements, and special considerations. You should know the same at the outset of your counseling journey. During the first session, I will tell you what counseling is, what you can generally hope to accomplish, any risks, and what the process will entail. Counseling is a collaborative process aimed at helping clients achieve mental health and wellness. It takes work on the part of the therapist and the client. Together, we will identify goals, gain insight, work through challenges, and practice new skills. If you are here for couples counseling, we will develop insight into what is underlying any relationship problems and then work to heal wounds, resolve conflict, and improve communication. 

Now, about the risks. While counseling is successful for many people, like any endeavor, there is not 100% certainty. It might not be the right time to climb the mountain, or I might not be the best climbing partner for you – and that’s ok if we find that out! I want the best for you. Also, talking about hard things can bring up difficult emotions – similar to training your muscles for a long climb, you may experience some emotional “soreness” along the way. That is why your counselor is here to train alongside you – so you’re not facing the journey alone!

Another important aspect of the therapy process is confidentiality and its limits. Confidentiality is of utmost importance to me, and I am also bound by law and my professional ethics to uphold it. Everything we talk about in session will stay in session. I may seek supervision from my supervisor (who is also bound by confidentiality) on aspects of your case to ensure I am providing the best possible care. There are only a few instances where I would be required by law to break confidentiality: if I believe you are going to harm yourself or another person, if there is suspected abuse of a child or vulnerable adult, or if my court records were to be subpoenaed (which is highly unlikely). 

Beyond confidentiality, we will cover policies and communication expectations – things like what to do if we run into each other out of the therapy room, how to get in touch between sessions, and cancellation/rescheduling expectations. I highly encourage questions about anything – I want you to feel confident and comfortable as we begin the journey. 

Step 3: Check equipment and readiness level

Embarking on a mountain climb without checking one’s equipment (what you bring with you) and readiness levels would not likely result in a successful outcome. My goal for counseling is to help you achieve your goals. And in order to do that, I need to get to know what you’re bringing with you in your emotional backpack! That’s why this first session will be more question-heavy than other sessions we will have together (where you will be doing most of the talking). I will ask you about your health, family history, and what symptoms you’re currently experiencing. Since we’re shaped by both nature (our genetic makeup) and nurture (family, community, experiences, and global events and messages), gathering information about these topics helps us get a sense of how these factors may be impacting you. Most importantly, I’ll ask what brings you to counseling now and what you’re hoping to get out of it. I may also administer one or more assessments that we can come back to over the course of treatment to check on progress. 

Step 4: Map out the journey 

During our first session, we’ll start to hone in on goals for our time together – you might think about it like determining which mountain (or mountains) we want to climb, how frequently it makes sense to train, and a goal for how quickly we can reach the top. Each person has unique goals. For instance, a goal may be to reduce the frequency, intensity, and duration of anxious  thoughts and feelings. Perhaps it could be to find clarity on a difficult, stressful decision. Or maybe it could be to improve communication in a relationship, process through a trauma, grieve a loss, or increase self-esteem. It’s possible that the goals will start out more general and become more specific as we gain more clarity on symptomatology. As we dive deeper, they may also shift. We might even add additional goals along the way! 

Goals are important because they provide direction for our work together. They also let us know if we’re on the right track or if we need to switch approaches. Finally, if we are successful during our time together, our goals will help inform when it’s time to begin winding down our sessions. 

With our goals set, we will discuss how frequently we want to meet (I usually recommend weekly to start with) and set our next appointment time. I may also ask you if you are ok with taking part in “practice” (which I find is a more palatable word than “homework”) between the intake and the next session. This could be, for example, reading a brief article, tracking your thoughts and feelings, journaling, or trying out a new coping tool. We can both expect to leave the intake with an idea of where we’ll be headed in therapy as well as what we’ll focus on in the next session. 

What to keep in mind when beginning counseling

Embarking on the counseling journey is a big decision – akin to standing in front of a tall mountain and making the decision to climb it. And the intake session is sort of like meeting your climbing partner for the first time, taking stock of your equipment, and mapping your route before the journey. It’s ok to feel a little nervous at this stage. It makes sense – talking about hard things and putting in the work is difficult! But know that as a counselor I am there with you, creating a nonjudgmental space to feel, process, and work through the most difficult parts of your experience. It’s so much easier to climb when you know you’re not doing it alone. And the view at the top? Well, it’s pretty spectacular.

Book with author of this blog post, Kaitlin Lowey, here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/KaitlinLowey

Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP): The Most Effective Treatment for OCD

If you're struggling with intrusive thoughts or obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and seeking effective treatment, first of all I want to let you know that I see your struggle – and that you are not alone. What you are going through IS hard. And, there is hope, thanks to a treatment called Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP). This therapeutic approach has demonstrated remarkable success in helping individuals regain control over their lives by confronting their fears and breaking free from the shackles of OCD. In this blog post, I will guide you through the ins and outs of ERP and delve into each step of the ERP process.

Understanding Exposure with Response Prevention (ERP):

ERP therapy is a behavioral treatment that forms a cornerstone in the management of OCD. It revolves around the idea that through systematic and controlled exposure to anxiety-provoking situations (either real or imagined) along with refraining from engaging in related compulsions, you can learn how to relate to their anxiety in a healthier way. ERP empowers you to confront your fears head-on and make the choices that are in line with your values and goals. You will learn that a thought is just a thought – even if it is scary. You’ll also learn that if you go beneath the thought and lean into (even embrace) the feeling of anxiety beneath it with self-compassion, even if the anxiety increases for a bit, it does lessen. ERP is often used in conjunction with mindfulness and cognitive defusion practices from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) that shift clients’ relationship with their own thoughts as well as with the experience of anxiety. 

Effectiveness of ERP in Treating OCD:

Extensive research and clinical evidence support the efficacy of ERP therapy as a highly effective treatment for OCD, both alone and in combination with medication. It’s been shown to be effective between 50 and 85 percent of the time. Numerous studies have consistently shown that ERP significantly reduces OCD symptoms, improves overall functioning, and enhances quality of life. While ERP doesn’t completely get rid of intrusive thoughts (because humans always have those), it does help clients manage their reactions to those thoughts so that they are no longer ruled by their OCD. 

Types of OCD Treated by ERP:

ERP therapy is effective in treating various subtypes of OCD. Whether your obsessions are centered around contamination fears, fears of causing harm or being responsible for harm, concerns about symmetry or order, or intrusive thoughts that challenge your core values or beliefs, ERP can be a powerful tool in your journey toward recovery. The flexibility of ERP allows it to be tailored to the specific themes and triggers that underpin your OCD symptoms, ensuring a personalized approach to your treatment.

The ERP Process: Taking One Step at a Time

1. Psychoeducation and Collaborative Goal Setting: The first step of ERP involves educating yourself about OCD, understanding its mechanisms, and learning how ERP can empower you to challenge its grip on your life. Together with your therapist, you will establish specific goals and identify the situations or triggers that cause distress. You will learn to shift your perspective on thoughts and also learn about the importance of accepting – even getting excited about – the experience of anxiety, instead of trying to push it away or become ruled by it. 

2. Building a Hierarchy of Fear: Next, you and your therapist will create a hierarchy of feared situations or stimuli. Starting with situations that elicit mild-to-moderate anxiety and gradually progressing to more challenging ones, this hierarchy serves as a roadmap for your exposure exercises.

3. Exposure and response prevention: In this step, you will purposefully and gradually expose yourself to the situations, objects, or thoughts that trigger your obsessions. You and your therapist will likely do this in session together, and you may be asked to try it at home as well. While the exposure may initially induce anxiety, it is essential to resist engaging in any associated compulsions or rituals. By resisting the urge to engage in compulsions, you will learn that anxiety subsides naturally over time.

4. Continued Practice and Generalization: As you progress through ERP, you will practice exposure and response prevention techniques consistently, both in therapy sessions and in your daily life. Over time, this regular practice will strengthen your resilience and enable you to confront OCD-related fears independently.

5. Maintenance and Relapse Prevention: ERP therapy emphasizes long-term success. Your therapist will help you develop strategies to maintain progress, cope with potential setbacks, and prevent relapse. By creating a relapse prevention plan, you will have the tools necessary to sustain the positive changes achieved during therapy.

Embarking on the journey of ERP therapy may seem daunting, but remember that change happens one step at a time. By embracing exposure with response prevention, you are taking an empowering step toward reclaiming your life from the clutches of OCD. The effectiveness of ERP in treating OCD, coupled with its ability to address various subtypes, makes it a powerful tool in your recovery arsenal. With the support of a qualified therapist and your commitment to the ERP process, you can break free from the limitations OCD imposes and rediscover a life filled with freedom, resilience, and renewed hope.

Remember, you are not alone, and there is hope for a brighter future.

Book with author of this blog post, Kaitlin Lowey, here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/KaitlinLowey