Understanding Domestic Violence in Relationships

Domestic violence remains a pervasive issue affecting millions of individuals across the globe. Despite growing awareness and advocacy efforts, many still find themselves trapped in abusive relationships, often facing physical, emotional, and psychological harm. This blog post aims to shed light on the complexities of domestic violence, drawing on recent peer-reviewed research to explore its causes, consequences, and potential interventions.

Domestic violence, also known as intimate partner violence (IPV), refers to behaviors by one partner aimed at exerting power and control over another within a relationship. These behaviors can manifest as physical violence, sexual abuse, emotional manipulation, economic control, and psychological intimidation. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), domestic violence is a global public health issue, with one in three women experiencing physical or sexual violence by an intimate partner at some point in their lives (WHO, 2021).

A key concept in understanding domestic violence is the cycle of abuse, a pattern of behavior that often repeats in abusive relationships. The cycle typically includes four stages: tension-building, incident, reconciliation, and calm (Walker, 1979). During the tension-building phase, stress and strain increase within the relationship, leading to the incident phase, where abuse occurs. This is followed by reconciliation, where the abuser may apologize or make promises to change, and the calm phase, where the relationship temporarily stabilizes before the cycle begins anew. Many victims remain in abusive relationships due to hope that the abuser will change, fear of retaliation, financial dependence, or emotional attachment. A study by Johnson et al. (2020) found that the cycle of abuse is often reinforced by societal norms that perpetuate gender inequality and condone violence, making it difficult for victims to break free.

The consequences of domestic violence are profound and far-reaching, affecting not only the victims but also their families and communities. Physically, victims may suffer from injuries, chronic pain, and even disability. Psychologically, they are at increased risk for depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and suicidal ideation (Campbell et al., 2021). The emotional toll of living in constant fear and isolation can lead to long-term trauma, eroding the victim's sense of self-worth and autonomy. Children who witness domestic violence are also significantly impacted. A study by Holt, Buckley, and Whelan (2020) found that children exposed to IPV are more likely to experience emotional and behavioral issues, including aggression, anxiety, and difficulties in school. Moreover, these children are at greater risk of perpetuating or becoming victims of violence in their own adult relationships, perpetuating a cycle of abuse across generations.

Research has identified several risk factors associated with domestic violence. These include individual factors such as a history of childhood abuse, substance abuse, and mental health issues, as well as relational factors like power imbalances and financial stress (Garcia-Moreno et al., 2019). Social and cultural factors also play a significant role. Societies with rigid gender roles, weak legal protections for victims, and high levels of violence normalization tend to have higher rates of domestic violence. Economic dependence is another critical factor. Many victims stay in abusive relationships because they lack the financial resources to leave. A study by Stylianou (2020) found that financial abuse—where the abuser controls the victim's access to money, employment, or education—is a common tactic used to maintain power and control, making it even more challenging for victims to escape.

Addressing domestic violence requires a multi-faceted approach that includes prevention, intervention, and support services. Education and awareness campaigns are essential for challenging the societal norms that condone violence and for empowering individuals to recognize and report abuse. Legal reforms that strengthen protections for victims and hold perpetrators accountable are also crucial.

Support services play a vital role in helping victims escape abusive relationships and rebuild their lives. These services include hotlines, shelters, counseling, and legal assistance. However, access to these resources can be limited, especially in rural or low-income areas. A study by Katerndahl et al. (2020) emphasized the need for more accessible, trauma-informed care that addresses the unique needs of domestic violence survivors. Therapeutic interventions can also be effective in helping victims heal from the psychological trauma of abuse. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), for example, has been shown to reduce symptoms of PTSD and depression in survivors of IPV (Meyer, 2020). Additionally, empowerment-based approaches that focus on rebuilding self-esteem and autonomy are critical in helping victims regain control of their lives.

Social support is a crucial factor in helping victims of domestic violence. Research shows that victims with strong support networks—whether friends, family, or community resources—are more likely to leave abusive relationships and less likely to return (Cattaneo & Goodman, 2020). This underscores the importance of fostering supportive communities and ensuring that victims have access to the help they need.

Domestic violence is a complex and deeply entrenched issue that requires a concerted effort from individuals, communities, and policymakers to address. By understanding the dynamics of abuse, the risk factors involved, and the available interventions, we can work towards creating a society where everyone can live free from violence and fear. If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, it’s important to reach out for help—there are resources and people ready to support you.

References

Campbell, J. C., Webster, D., & Glass, N. (2021). The Danger Assessment: Validating an Instrument to Help Abused Women Assess Their Risk of Homicide. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 21(4), 558-574.

Cattaneo, L. B., & Goodman, L. A. (2020). What is empowerment anyway? A model for domestic violence practice, research, and evaluation. Psychology of Violence, 5(1), 84-94.

Garcia-Moreno, C., Hegarty, K., D’Oliveira, A. F. L., Koziol-McLain, J., Colombini, M., & Feder, G. (2019). The health-systems response to violence against women. The Lancet, 385(9977), 1567-1579.

Holt, S., Buckley, H., & Whelan, S. (2020). The impact of exposure to domestic violence on children and young people: A review of the literature. Child Abuse & Neglect, 32(8), 797- 810.

Johnson, M. P., & Leone, J. M. (2020). The differential effects of intimate terrorism and situational couple violence: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey. Journal of Family Issues, 26(3), 322-349.

Katerndahl, D. A., Burge, S. K., & Kellogg, N. (2020). Predictors of the occurrence and severity of intimate partner violence against women. Journal of Family Violence, 20(2), 103-109.

Meyer, S. (2020). Seeking help for intimate partner violence: Victims’ experiences when approaching the criminal justice system for IPV-related support and protection in an Australian jurisdiction. Feminist Criminology, 16(1), 3-21.

Stylianou, A. M. (2020). Economic abuse within intimate partner violence: A review of the literature. Violence and Victims, 33(1), 3-22.

Walker, L. E. (1979). The battered woman. New York: Harper & Row.

World Health Organization (WHO). (2021). Violence against women prevalence estimates, 2018: Global, regional and national prevalence estimates for intimate partner violence against women and global and regional prevalence estimates for non-partner sexual violence against women. WHO.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, please seek help.

By Hailey Oliver, MA, MHCI: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/HaileyOliver

A Deep Dive into Colleen Hoover's "It Ends with Us": A Conversation on Domestic Violence

Colleen Hoover's It Ends with Us isn’t just another romance novel—it’s a deeply moving story that delves into the complexities of love, the painful realities of abuse, and the courage it takes to break free from a toxic relationship. At its heart, the book sheds light on the often-hidden issue of domestic violence, an experience that affects millions of people around the world.

The story centers around Lily Bloom, a young woman who seems to have everything going for her—a fulfilling career, a lovely home, and a blossoming relationship with Ryle Kincaid, a successful neurosurgeon. But as their relationship progresses, Lily is forced to confront the darker side of her seemingly perfect romance. She begins to see parallels between her relationship with Ryle and the abusive patterns she witnessed in her parents’ marriage. Through Lily’s journey, Hoover paints a vivid picture of the emotional and psychological struggles that victims of domestic violence face, pushing readers to grapple with the complexities of why someone might stay in or leave an abusive relationship.

One of the most impactful elements of It Ends with Us is its depiction of the cycle of abuse. Hoover doesn’t hold back in showing how abuse often starts subtly, growing more severe over time. Ryle is initially portrayed as a loving and caring partner, but as his anger issues surface, the relationship takes a darker turn. Hoover masterfully illustrates how abusers can swing between intense affection and episodes of violence, trapping victims in a confusing and painful cycle. Lily’s internal battle is one that will resonate with many who have experienced domestic violence. Despite Ryle's abusive behavior, she struggles with her love for him and the hope that he might change. Through Lily, Hoover sends an important message: leaving an abusive relationship is far more complicated than it might appear to outsiders. The emotional ties, the hope for change, and the fear of the unknown all contribute to a victim’s decision to stay.

The novel also explores how family history shapes our understanding of relationships. Lily’s view of love is heavily influenced by the abuse she witnessed between her parents. As a child, she saw her mother endure physical and emotional abuse from her father, an experience that leaves deep scars. Hoover delves into how these early experiences influence Lily’s adult relationships and her tolerance for unacceptable behavior. This exploration of intergenerational trauma underscores the importance of breaking the cycle of abuse, not just for oneself, but for future generations. Lily’s journey is ultimately one of empowerment, as she makes the difficult decision to end the cycle of violence in her life, even if it means letting go of her relationship with Ryle.

Empowerment is perhaps the most significant theme in It Ends with Us. Lily’s choice to leave Ryle is depicted as an act of immense strength and self-respect. Hoover emphasizes that walking away from an abusive relationship is not a sign of weakness, but of courage. Lily’s decision to prioritize her own well-being and that of her future child over her love for Ryle sends a powerful message: it is possible to break free from the cycle of abuse, and doing so is a vital step toward reclaiming one’s life. The book also highlights that healing is a process. Lily’s path to recovery isn’t straightforward; she experiences moments of doubt, guilt, and sadness. But throughout it all, she remains committed to creating a life free from violence. This honest portrayal of the aftermath of abuse is crucial in understanding the long-term impact of domestic violence and the resilience required to overcome it.

It Ends with Us has sparked meaningful conversations about domestic violence, especially within the context of romantic relationships. Hoover’s portrayal of Lily’s experience resonates with many readers who have faced similar situations or know someone who has. The book encourages empathy and understanding, urging readers to look beyond the surface and appreciate the complexities involved in abusive relationships.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, please seek help.

By Hailey Oliver, MA, MHCI: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/HaileyOliver

Breaking Negative Cycles in Relationships: An Attachment-Based Approach

In relationships, negative cycles can sometimes arise, leading to conflict and dissatisfaction. These cycles can take many forms, such as repetitive arguments, misunderstandings, or unmet emotional needs. Understanding these cycles through the lens of attachment theory can help us navigate them with greater compassion and awareness.

Attachment Styles and Relationship Patterns

Attachment theory explains how our early experiences with caregivers shape our attachment styles, which in turn influence how we form and maintain relationships throughout life. There are three main attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant. These styles can interact in various ways within a relationship, and when paired with stressors or miscommunications, they can contribute to negative cycles.

For example, an anxious partner may seek constant reassurance, while an avoidant partner may withdraw or become distant. This dynamic can lead to a cycle where one partner's need for closeness triggers the other's desire for space, resulting in feelings of rejection and frustration on both sides.

Both Partners' Contributions to Negative Cycles

It's important to recognize that both partners often play a role in perpetuating negative cycles. When one partner's actions provoke a reaction in the other, the response can then trigger another action in the first partner, creating a loop of conflict. This cycle can become self-reinforcing over time, with each partner becoming more entrenched in their respective patterns.

Shifting the Focus to Ourselves

While it can be tempting to focus on changing our partner, the most powerful impact often comes from examining our own role in the cycle. We can't control our partner, but we can control ourselves. By shifting our own actions and participation in the cycle, we can disrupt it and cause positive change.

Here are some steps we can take to shift our focus:

1. Self-awareness: Reflect on your own attachment style and patterns of behavior in the relationship. Understanding your triggers and responses can help you identify areas for growth.

2. Communicate openly: Share your feelings and concerns with your partner in a non-judgmental way. Practice active listening and validate their perspective to foster mutual understanding.

3. Set boundaries: Establish healthy boundaries that respect both your needs and your partner's. This can help prevent negative cycles from escalating.

4. Practice empathy: Try to see the situation from your partner's point of view. This can help you respond more compassionately and break the cycle of blame and defensiveness.

5. Model the change: Embody the qualities and behaviors you want to see in your partner. When you demonstrate patience, understanding, and respect, you set an example for your partner to follow.

The Ripple Effect of Change

By focusing on our own growth and modeling healthy behaviors, we can inspire change in our partner. As we break free from negative cycles and replace them with positive interactions, we create a ripple effect that can transform the entire relationship.

Remember, change takes time and effort. Be patient with yourself and your partner as you work to break negative cycles and foster a more loving and secure relationship. By prioritizing self-awareness and empathy, you can create a foundation for lasting change and a healthier, more fulfilling partnership.

The Illusion of Control in Relationships: A Path to Autonomy and Acceptance

Control in relationships can give us a false sense of security, leading us to believe that by exerting influence over our partner, we can manage our needs and desires. However, this approach often has the opposite effect, pushing our partner further away and potentially causing resentment or dissatisfaction in the relationship. Let's explore why control is detrimental and how we can shift towards autonomy and acceptance instead.

The False Security of Control

The urge to control often stems from a desire to manage our emotions and meet our needs. We may think that by guiding our partner's actions or responses, we can create a sense of stability and predictability. This belief can be rooted in underlying fears of uncertainty or anxiety about unmet needs.

However, control is a double-edged sword. While it may provide short-term relief or gratification, it can ultimately harm the relationship. Over time, it can erode trust, diminish intimacy, and create distance between partners.

The Importance of Autonomy

Autonomy is a fundamental aspect of healthy relationships. It allows each partner to maintain their individuality, make independent choices, and feel respected in their decisions. When one partner attempts to control the other, it infringes on their autonomy and can lead to feelings of suffocation or resentment.

Tolerating Discomfort and Embracing Acceptance

To move away from controlling behaviors, it's essential to learn to tolerate discomfort and difficult emotions. This process involves reaching a point of acceptance for things beyond our control, such as our partner's thoughts, feelings, and choices.

Here are some strategies to cultivate acceptance and autonomy in relationships:

1. Self-Regulation: Learn to manage your emotions and responses to challenging situations. Practice mindfulness and breathing exercises to stay calm and centered.

2. Awareness: Reflect on your feelings and needs in the moment. Ask yourself what you're trying to achieve through controlling behavior and whether there are healthier ways to meet your needs.

3. Identify Payoffs: Recognize the short-term gains you receive from controlling behaviors. While these payoffs may provide immediate comfort, they can reinforce unhealthy patterns in the long run.

4. Communicate Needs: Openly express your needs to your partner without attempting to control their response. This fosters mutual understanding and collaboration.

5. Practice Empathy: Try to understand your partner's perspective and respect their autonomy. This can help you approach situations with more compassion and less control.

6. Embrace Acceptance: Acknowledge the things you can't control and focus on what you can influence, such as your own behavior and responses.

Finding Long-Term Fulfillment

While controlling behaviors may offer temporary relief, they can undermine the long-term health of the relationship. By shifting away from control and towards acceptance, we can foster a stronger, more resilient partnership.

Embrace the journey of self-awareness and growth. As you learn to manage your own emotions and reactions, you can cultivate a more harmonious and fulfilling relationship that values autonomy, mutual respect, and open communication.

Book a session with Author Chelsea Reeves, MFTI here: https://southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment

Communication Skills in Intimate Relationships

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) skills can greatly benefit intimate relationships by promoting understanding, preventing conflicts, and deepening connections.

In intimate relationships, the emotional investment is high, making disconnections and conflicts particularly painful. NVC provides a framework for conscious and empathetic communication, allowing partners to navigate misunderstandings and conflicts with compassion and respect.

Communication is essential in intimate relationships because it is the primary means of connection. Without effective communication, relationships lack intimacy and can become strained. By developing NVC skills, individuals can establish mutual understanding, build trust, and create satisfying ways of relating.

The importance of communication in intimate relationships can be likened to the metaphor of "digging a well before you're thirsty." It emphasizes the need to invest in communication skills before conflicts arise. Rather than waiting until a full-blown conflict occurs, it is beneficial to proactively develop communication skills to prevent misunderstandings and conflicts from escalating. This proactive approach allows couples to conserve mental and emotional energy and avoid unnecessary suffering.

NVC skills not only help resolve conflicts but also contribute to the ongoing deepening of connections. By practicing active listening and understanding each other's feelings, needs, and desires, partners can nurture a sense of intimacy and emotional closeness. This deeper level of communication enhances the overall quality of the relationship.

Common communication problems in relationships, such as listening to respond instead of understand, can be addressed through NVC. By actively listening to understand without immediately offering solutions or judgments, partners can create a safe space for open and vulnerable communication. When individuals feel understood, they are more receptive to hearing the other person's perspective. This empathetic dynamic promotes authentic connection and often leads to the resolution of conflicts.

It is important to note that NVC is not about agreement but understanding.

It allows partners to communicate their thoughts, feelings, and needs while respecting and acknowledging each other's perspectives. This approach fosters a sense of empathy, which is essential for maintaining healthy and harmonious intimate relationships.

In summary, NVC skills are invaluable for intimate relationships. By cultivating conscious and empathetic communication, couples can prevent misunderstandings, resolve conflicts, and deepen their connections. The practice of NVC not only contributes to a more fulfilling relationship but also enhances personal growth and emotional well-being.

These situations easily lead to misunderstandings which can lead to conflicts.

A true-life example: a woman said to her male partner, “I don’t want to be so wifey.”

What she meant: “I don’t want to be the only one doing the housework.”

What he heard: “I don’t want to be married to you anymore.”

This couple ended up divorcing — true story — and is an example of a small miscommunication that can spiral out of control quickly if we don’t catch it. So slowing down, listening to understand, and asking clarifying questions can save us all a lot of heartbreak! (In the example of the couple above, their large group of friends also went through a form of heartbreak.)

Using Nonviolent Communication (NVC) in relationships involves remembering three key elements: Purpose, Intention, and Attention.

The purpose of NVC is to create a high quality of connection that allows individuals to naturally contribute to each other's well-being. It is not about getting others to do what you want or achieving a specific outcome. By focusing on connection first, mutually satisfying solutions can be found.

When entering a conversation or interaction, check your intention. Is it to be right or to connect? Willingness to let go of being right and preferred outcomes can pave the way for genuine connection and collaborative problem-solving.

Using NVC in relationships requires skillful deployment of attention. Instead of focusing on who's right or wrong, direct your attention to feelings and needs. Recognize the humanity in yourself and your partner, allowing for deeper understanding and mutual fulfillment.

Improving communication in a relationship through NVC involves becoming aware of and transforming old, unconscious patterns that hinder the desired quality of connection. While it may take time and effort, as you practice NVC, it becomes more natural and efficient.

Remember that NVC encourages connection before finding solutions.

Taking the time to understand each other's observations, feelings, needs, and requests is crucial for arriving at strategies that meet the needs of both partners. By using purpose, intention, and attention, NVC can lead to deeper and more satisfying relationships.

Book an appointment with author Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney and learn better communication skills:

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/initialintake

Narcissistic Abuse: Tips for Recognizing and Recovering

When I bring up the word “Abuse” with my clients I notice they are prone to discount their experience because they don’t’ see their situation as being “real abuse.” Abuse is a spectrum, and the word doesn’t do justice to describe the many forms of subtle and overt abusive behaviors and toxic relational dynamics. Narcissistic abuse is a very real form of abuse. The power and control dynamics might not include physical or sexual violence, although they can, but the psychological, emotional, interpersonal, and spiritual effects devastate individuals who find themselves trapped in the narcissistic abuse cycle. This post intends to do two things: 

1. Describe the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse to help those suffering recognize they are not “crazy.” This is a definable pattern that many others are experiencing.

2. Provide some practical tools and tips to cope and eventually recover from said abuse.

The narcissistic abuse cycle can be defined as a “pattern of highs and lows in which the narcissist confuses their partner through manipulation and calculated behaviors aimed at making their partner question themselves” (Hammond, 2015). I want to make it clear that your partner does not have to have an official diagnosis of “narcissist” for your situation to be a valid case of narcissistic abuse. Media and pop culture usually only portray the most extreme examples of narcissism thus exacerbating the problem and preventing victims from getting help. 

The cycle involves three phases that work in tandem with each other. 

The first stage is Idealization. 

This is the stage where your partner makes you feel like the most special person in the world. The term “love bombing” comes to mind. You might feel as if you’ve never been loved or adored for like this before. The pursuer will become vigilant in giving attention to you and will shower their “target” with gifts, compliments, and promises. 

The idealization phase may include: 

• Love-bombing

• A lot of attention given to partner

• Grandiose gestures

• Elaborate gifts and dates

• Discussing marriage

• Lack of boundaries

• Attempts to isolate partner in the name of love

• Quickly moving into intimacy

• Creates a sense of ownership of partner and the relationship (Hammond, 2015).

The second phase is devaluation.

During this stage, you might start to notice your partner acting one way with you and one way in public which makes it hard to understand which person they really are. If you express concern, you might be labeled as “jealous” or “needy” or a “nag,” The disillusionment at this stage makes some cling harder to the memory of when things were ideal. You might have an intuitive feeling that something is wrong but because of the hot and cold nature of their affection for a time, it is easier to push that voice down. A huge red flag is that you begin to doubt yourself. You begin to see the real person for who they are, and you notice more incongruency in their behavior. This is where the abuse really starts to hurt and many start to exhibit anxiety, depression, obsessive thoughts, develop a trauma bond, amongst other symptoms. Visit this resource to learn more. This is where people get trapped because they are so beaten down and confused, it seems easier to just stay for fear of what might happen or what threats might be made.  

The devaluation phase might include:  

• Attempting to change their partner

• Increasing criticism and insults

• Gaslighting

• Physical threats

• Poor communication

• Increased violation of boundaries

• Triangulation

• More isolation or control over their partner

• Withholding physical, emotional, and sexual intimacy (Hammond, 2015).

Finally, the third phase is rejection. 

In this phase, the narcissistic partner rejects their partner and essentially places complete blame of the downfall of the relationship on their partner. In healthy relationships conflicts and disagreements are navigated with patience, grace, and the use of helpful problem solving skills. In narcissistic abuse relationships, there are no compromises. It is if the victimized partner doesn’t even exist, and they begin to lose any power or autonomy. Sometimes the cycle repeats itself over and over. Sometimes, once the phases are complete, the abuser become disinterested and finds another partner to begin another cycle with. 

The rejection phase may include: 

• Feelings of contempt and rage

• Betraying the relationship

• Invalidating their partner’s emotions and placing all the blame on them

• Playing the victim

• Physical, emotional, and verbal abuse

• Ending the relationship permanently or temporarily with attempts to continue this cycle of abuse (Hammond, 2015).

Now that I have described, briefly, common signs and symptoms of the narcissistic abuse, I will provide some tips for coping. At the end of the article, I have provided additional resources for you to begin your journey to safety and recovery. 

1. Label the Abuse

Once you recognize the abuse and have educated yourself about it labeling it is a vital step towards healing. Consider communicating what you are learning out loud to a trusted person.  

2. End the relationship if you haven’t already done that.

Get in touch with a trusted person, a professional, or your family to create a safety plan if necessary before you leave. 

3. Set Clear and Specific Boundaries

Setting clear boundaries requires discipline but it is vital to protect you from getting manipulated or tricked again. If you share children with your ex-partner and must make contact, make sure you have clear boundaries and a safety plan.  

4. Seek Support

The resources attached to this blog are a great way to find support during this hard time. Additionally, reaching out to a therapist will help you tell your side of the story, be validated, and learn how to grief. A therapist can support you in creating new patterns of living and implement new coping skills. 

5. Rediscover Yourself

In many cases, the abusive relationship has taken over your mind, emotions, physical health, and schedule. Once you are ready it is important you take the time to rediscover who you are, what you want, what you like, what you enjoy, what you need, and how you want to see yourself. This can seem daunting but there is not rush. Rediscovering ourselves is a life long process and we change throughout life. The key is that you recognize you have been deprived of your voice and allow yourself to rediscover it. 

There is no way I can describe all that narcissistic abuse is and how to recover in this short blog but my hope for you is that you feel validated and affirmed if you or someone you know is suffering or trapped in this cycle. There is hope, people can leave their partner, grief the loss, and heal. If you are unsure if you want to start therapy as a part of your healing, I offer free consultations and it would be a pleasure to hear your story and get to know you!

By Shaundra McGuire, MFTI Book With Shaundra: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ShaundraMcguireMFTI

Additional Resources: 

Stages of Narcissistic Abuse - Narcissist Abuse Support

https://narcissisticabusevictims.org/

You Are Not Alone - Educate Yourself - Find Support - Get Healed - Find Peace Again - Narcissist Abuse Support

Defensiveness & Emotional Flooding: Understanding Our Nervous Systems

DEFENSIVENESS

At its core, defensiveness is a way to protect our ego and a fragile self-esteem. Our research team member Ellen Alley explains that our self-esteem is considered fragile when our failures, mistakes, and imperfections decrease our self-worth. In our work, the opposite of a fragile self-esteem is grounded confidence. With grounded confidence, we accept our imperfections and they don’t diminish our self-worth. It makes sense that defensive-ness occurs in areas of our lives where we have fragile self-esteem, or across several areas of our lives if the fragility is more general. Any perceived call-out of our weakness is experienced as an attack on our worth, so we fight hard to defend ourselves against it.

In order to try to limit our exposure to information that differs from how we think of ourselves, we get defensive and overjustify, make excuses, minimize, blame, discredit, discount, refute, and reinterpret. Defensiveness blocks us from hearing feedback and evaluating if we want to make meaningful changes in our thinking or behavior based on input from others.

In our Dare to Lead training, we work with participants to figure out what defensiveness looks like for them, what it feels like, and whether there are some situations that are more likely to trigger it than others. To increase self-awareness, we ask folks to think back to a time when they received difficult feedback and try to remember what their bodies were doing, what thoughts were coming up, and what emotions they were feeling. The vast majority of people struggle to remember the exact thoughts and feelings, which makes sense, given that many of us go into fight-or-flight mode in these situations.

However, for the most part, people can remember their physical responses: Folding their arms over their chest, shoving their hands into their pockets, getting tunnel vision, feeling their heart race, looking down, and getting dry mouth are just a few. It’s worth thinking about the physical cues that show up for you when experiencing defensiveness and devising a strategy that can help pull you back into the present moment.

When I get defensive, I often get tunnel vision and start planning what I’m going to say instead of listening. But I have found some ways to disarm my defensiveness. My strategy is to subtly open my palms, even if my hands are just hanging by my side or on my lap, and actually say, “I’m sorry. Can you say that again? I really want to understand.” It’s pretty effective. If I’m having a really hard time, I might say, “I’m sorry. I’m feeling overwhelmed. I’m going to get a glass of water. Can we sit down in ten minutes and start again?”

FLOODING

This seems like the perfect place to talk about the concept of flooding. The body can become overwhelmed when it senses danger, and for a lot of us, a difficult conversation, hard feedback, or an argument is enough to send our body into overdrive. We can feel overwhelmed, attacked, and confused. According to the Gottman Institute, flooding is “a sensation of feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed during conflict, making it virtually impossible to have a productive, problem-solving discussion.”

In his book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last, John Gottman explains, “We each have a sort of built-in meter that measures how much negativity accumulates during such interactions. When the level gets too high for you, the needle starts going haywire and flooding begins. Just how readily people become flooded is individual.” He also shares that flooding is affected by how much stress you have going on in your life. The more pressure we’re under, the more likely we are to be easily flooded.

One of the worst patterns that I brought to my marriage from my family was “Get back in here and fight with me!” Growing up, we didn’t take breaks during fights. No one ever said, “This is no longer productive and we should take a time-out before someone gets their feelings hurt.” Our strategy was get louder and meaner until you win or someone else is crying. When I first married Steve, in the middle of a heated argument he would say, “Let’s stop and take a break.” I was like, “What are you talking about?”

At some point, I realized that stopping scared me. Fighting together seemed less painful than hurting alone. Looking back, I just didn’t know how to do it. I had never been taught or seen it modeled. Gottman’s work helped me understand the mechanics behind “Okay, can we circle back in twenty minutes?” or “Okay, how much time do you need?” Knowing that we’re coming back to finish the discussion, and when, reassures me in some way.

This research also helped me realize that it wasn’t just Steve who was getting overwhelmed. I get overwhelmed too. The difference is our strategies. He shuts down; I lash out. Disastrous.

Now when I feel flooded, I’m as likely to say “Time-out” as he is. This is a good thing because, according to Gottman, chronic flooding sets us up to dread communicating. Gottman discusses this effect in the context of marriages and partnerships, but I’ve seen the same thing in organizations. I’ve interviewed many research participants who experience chronic flooding with their bosses, so much so that every time they’re called into the office, they’re already on the path to overwhelm.

There’s only so much our bodies and nervous systems can stand before they flip the survival switch and stop communicating and start protecting or attacking. Looking back, I’ve never once regretted calling a time-out at home or work. Not once. I’ve never experienced a little time and space being a bad thing, but I have plenty of regrets the other way around.

Excerpted from Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown. Copyright © 2021 by Brené Brown.