Gottman Approach and Emotionally Focused Therapy Model Perspective on Wedding Planning with Parents

As Featured in BRIDES Magazine:

Why do brides and grooms often enlist their parents’ help while planning their wedding?

Brides and grooms often seek their parents' help in wedding planning because weddings are significant life events that involve family traditions, values, and expectations. Parents have a wealth of experience and often play a crucial role in family dynamics, making their input valuable and sought after by the couple. Additionally, weddings often bring families together, creating opportunities for connection, collaboration, and shared joy.

What is their typical level of involvement in the planning process?

The level of involvement can vary widely among families and couples. Typically, parents may be involved in major decisions such as venue selection, budgeting, and guest list management. Some parents may take a more active role, while others prefer to be consulted for input when needed. This variability of wedding planning involvement may or may not be correlated with financial aspects of the wedding and who or the amount of money that the parents may be contributing. Their involvement often reflects their desire to contribute meaningfully to the celebration and support their children's choices.

What tasks do the parents typically help their kids with? How do they differ on the bride and groom's side?

Parents often assist with tasks like venue selection, financial planning, and coordinating with vendors. On the bride's side, tasks may include dress shopping, floral arrangements, and décor choices. On the groom's side, tasks might involve selecting attire, transportation, and music or entertainment. However, these roles are becoming more flexible and can vary based on the interests and preferences of the individuals involved.

How should the two sets of parents approach the conversation of helping their kids plan their wedding?

Open communication and collaboration can be the key. Using compassionate  communication principles, AKA Nonviolent Communication (NVC) they can focus on expressing feelings, needs, and requests respectfully.Both sets of parents should approach the conversation with empathy, understanding, and respect for each other's perspectives. It's essential to listen actively, express opinions constructively, and be flexible in compromising to accommodate everyone's wishes.

Is it common for both sets of parents to clash during the wedding planning process? Why? What are some challenges that might arise?

Yes, it is common for both sets of parents to clash during wedding planning due to stress, differing opinions, expectations, and values. Some challenges that might arise include disagreements over finances or budgeting, guest list and who to invite, cultural/ religious or family traditions, and the overall vision for how the wedding “should” go.

How can parents deal when their child’s future in-laws are difficult to interact with during the wedding planning process?

The best way to deal with difficult people in general is to try to use empathy and understanding as much as possible. Most of the time all big reactions or “attacks” are unskilled ways of trying to get a need met. Reactions sabotage connection. Intentional calm responses can help repair the disconnect that may be occurring. Dealing with difficult future in-laws requires patience, understanding, and effective communication. Setting boundaries, maintaining open lines of communication, and focusing on common goals can help navigate challenging interactions. It's also essential to prioritize the couple's wishes and needs while respectfully considering the opinions of all parties involved. Boundary setting and compromise based on needs can be very useful tools to deal with these issues more amicably.

Three to Five Tips to Help Parents Navigate Wedding Planning Together:

1. Open Communication: Encourage open and honest communication among all parties involved. Create a safe space where everyone feels heard, valued, and respected. Discuss expectations, preferences, and concerns openly to avoid misunderstandings. Listen to your parents' perspectives and concerns with an open mind, without interrupting or becoming defensive. Show empathy and understanding towards their feelings and needs.

2. Set Clear Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries to respect everyone's roles and responsibilities. Clearly define who is responsible for what tasks and decisions to avoid conflicts and overlapping efforts. Assign specific tasks or responsibilities to your parents that align with their interests and strengths. This can make them feel valued and involved in the planning process. Collaborate on planning aspects of the wedding that are important to your parents, while maintaining autonomy over decisions that are important to you.

3. Flexibility and Compromise: Be flexible and willing to compromise to accommodate everyone's wishes and preferences. Focus on finding common ground and solutions that satisfy everyone involved. Remember, it's a celebration of love and unity, so prioritize harmony and collaboration. Identify and focus on shared goals and values that are important to both you and your parents. This can help align your priorities and reduce conflicts.

4. Seek Professional Help if Needed: Consider seeking professional help from a wedding planner or counselor if tensions rise or conflicts become unmanageable. A neutral third party can offer valuable insights, mediate disputes, and help keep the planning process on track.

5. Celebrate Together: Remember to celebrate the joyous occasion and focus on the love and unity that the wedding represents. Keep a positive attitude, cherish the special moments, and appreciate the opportunity to come together as a family to celebrate this significant milestone.

By following these tips and approaches, parents can navigate the wedding planning process together more seamlessly, fostering understanding, harmony, and collaboration throughout. Prioritizing self-care and stress management to maintain your well-being during the wedding planning process can be super beneficial. Take breaks when needed, engage in activities you enjoy, and seek support from loved ones.

By Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, NCC, DCC, Ph.D

SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY, WELLNESS, MARRIAGE & FAMILY THERAPY

Book Appointment

Call or Text (813)240-3237

Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Marriage & Family Therapist

❤️ Marriage & Family Therapist 💍 Gottman Relationship Counselor 🧠 Licensed Mental Health Counselor 👂🏽 Non-Violent Communication Facilitator 🌎 National Certified Counselor 👩🏼‍⚕️ Private Practitioner 📈 Entrepreneur, Author & Mentor 🎓Qualified Supervisor for State Licensure ⚖️ FL Supreme Court Family Law Mediator 🥅 Solution Focused ✌🏻Conflict Resolver ❤️ Self Compassion & Self Care Advocate 🧘🏼‍♀️ Mindfulness Meditating Yogi 🤔 Daily Intentions & Reflections 🗣 Neuro Linguistic Programming ✏️ Agile Learning Center Founder 📚 Self Directed Education Alliance 🧑‍🌾 Grower: Fruit Trees & Herbs 🍽 Psychology of Eating & Nutrition 👩‍🏫 Life Long Learner... 📍 Tampa, FL & Jurisdiction to practice in FL, CT, NC, SC, MD, VA

www.SouthTampaCounselor.com

SouthTampaTherapy@gmail.com

Unpack Your Love Baggage with Imago: A Journey from Conflict to Connection

            As therapists, we often find that a communication breakdown is one of the first hurdles couples face in a crisis. In these moments, partners commonly feel disrespected, unseen, or unheard, creating a chasm that seems too broad to bridge. As therapists, we immediately focus on nurturing practical communication skills to address this gap. What’s remarkable is how couples report the benefits of these new skills often extend beyond the therapy room and the romantic relationship—enhancing interactions at work, in social settings, and even with other loved family members.

            In my journey to better serve couples struggling with intimacy and communication issues, I've explored various therapeutic approaches. Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT) is one method that resonates deeply with me and has shown profound results in practice. Imago facilitates a deeper connection between partners and fosters a compassionate understanding that transforms their interactions across all areas of life.

What is Imago Relationship Therapy?

            Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT), developed by Harville Hendrix, Ph. D., and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph. D., offers a transformative approach for couples to enhance their connection and communication. The term "imago," from Latin meaning "image," represents an unconscious blueprint of familiar love formed during early childhood from our interactions with caregivers. This blueprint profoundly influences our romantic relationships later in life.

            Imago Therapy posits that relationship frustrations arise from a deep desire to heal unresolved childhood issues. Everyone carries an "imago," a composite of early caregivers' traits, which shapes our attractions and drives us unconsciously toward partners who resemble these figures in hopes of healing past wounds.

            Imago Relationship Therapy reveals how these early attachments create internal models that influence how we interact with our partners, often replicating childhood dynamics. These conflicts are seen as barriers and opportunities for significant emotional growth. By addressing these foundational experiences and shifting from blame to empathy, Imago Therapy seeks to transform our relationships into sources of strength and resilience.

How Imago Therapy Enhances Communication:

            Central to Imago Therapy is the Imago Dialogue, a structured communication technique that shifts conversations from conflict to connection. This method involves three key steps:

• Mirroring: Consists of listening to your partner and repeating what you hear, without judgment or interpretation, to show that you truly understand their perspective.

• Validating: Acknowledging that your partner’s thoughts and feelings make sense from their viewpoint.

• Empathizing: Attempting to understand and share the feelings of your partner. 

This dialogue framework helps couples move from adversarial interactions to a deeper empathetic connection, fostering safety and vulnerability.

Creating a Safe Conversation Space:

            Imago therapy emphasizes the importance of creating a safe space for conversations. This space allows partners to express their deeper feelings and vulnerabilities without fear of judgment or escalation. This safety is key to defusing the reactivity that can characterize troubled relationships, fostering more intentional and hopeful partner interactions.

A Simple Exercise to Try:

            One impactful and simple exercise from Imago Therapy is the Appreciation Dialogue, where partners take turns sharing something they appreciate about the other. This practice reinforces positive interactions using Mirroring and builds a culture of gratitude and recognition within the relationship:

·      One partner begins by saying, "Something I appreciated about you today is..."
·      The other partner listens, mirrors the statement, " I hear you say you appreciate... about me", and responds, "Did I get that right?"
·      The first partner confirms, and the second partner then offers their appreciation.

Benefits of Imago Therapy:

            Couples who engage in Imago therapy can expect improved communication skills and a profound transformation in their relationship dynamics. This therapy helps couples move from blame and isolation to empathy, acceptance, and mutual appreciation, fostering a secure and passionate relationship.

Closing Words:

            Imago Therapy offers couples a unique lens to view their relationship, providing tools for conflict resolution and deep emotional healing and growth. By embracing this therapeutic approach, couples can transform their relationships into a source of strength and fulfillment, ensuring they survive and thrive together.

References: 
Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. (2022). Getting the love you want: A guide for couples. Henry Holt & Company.

Book with this author ~Ari Leal, Therapist, CMHCI: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/AriLeal

Navigating the "Roommate Phase" in Relationships: Tips from a Relationship Counselor

As a relationship counselor, I often find myself discussing the challenges couples face as they navigate the different phases of their relationship. One of the most common phases couples experience is what many refer to as the "roommate phase." This phase can feel distant, routine, and lacking in the emotional and physical connection that once felt effortless.

My partner and I have faced our fair share of roommate phases, and through personal experience and professional knowledge, we've developed strategies to reignite our connection. Drawing from the wisdom of renowned relationship experts like John Gottman and the Emotionally Focused Therapy approach, here are some tips that have worked wonders for us:

1. Intentional Quality Time Set aside a specific time each night to put away distractions, especially phones, and focus solely on each other. This intentional quality time fosters open communication and strengthens emotional connection.

2. Prioritize Date Nights Spending time away from the daily grind and kids is crucial. Date nights allow you to reconnect, have fun together, and remember why you fell in love in the first place.

3. Reignite Physical Intimacy Don't underestimate the power of physical affection. Make an effort to kiss and make out like you used to when your relationship was new and exciting.

4. Sync Your Bedtime Going to bed at the same time can create a sense of closeness and intimacy. It's a simple yet effective way to maintain connection and ensure quality time together.

5. Share Household Chores Teamwork makes the dream work! Sharing household chores fosters collaboration and mutual appreciation, strengthening your bond as a couple.

6. Have Meaningful Conversations Sit down and ask the tough questions:

• "Why are we drifting into the roommate phase?"

• "How can we enhance our connection?"

• "What can we do differently to come back together?"

• "Here's what I need from you. What do you need from me?"

7. Embrace the Little Things Small gestures can make a big difference. Whether it's a good morning kiss or a surprise love note, these little acts of kindness and affection go a long way in maintaining connection.

8. Acknowledge the Phase Recognize that the roommate phase is just that – a phase. It's a natural part of many long-term relationships and an opportunity for growth and reconnection.

Gottman's Insights: John Gottman emphasizes the importance of friendship and fondness in relationships. Cultivate a culture of appreciation and admiration for each other. Remember the qualities that you love and appreciate in your partner and express them regularly.

Emotionally Focused Therapy Tips: Emotionally Focused Therapy focuses on creating a secure emotional bond between partners. Validate each other's feelings and emotions, and be open to vulnerability. Create a safe space where both partners feel heard, understood, and valued.

In conclusion, navigating the roommate phase requires effort, communication, and a commitment to your relationship. By incorporating these tips into your daily life and embracing the guidance of relationship experts like Gottman and Emotionally Focused Therapy, you can reignite the spark and strengthen your connection with your partner. Remember, every phase is an opportunity to grow and deepen your love for each other.

By Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, NCC, Ph.D

SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY, WELLNESS, MARRIAGE & FAMILY THERAPY

Book Appointment

Call or Text (813)240-3237

Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Marriage & Family Therapist

❤️ Marriage & Family Therapist 💍 Gottman Relationship Counselor 🧠 Licensed Mental Health Counselor 👂🏽 Non-Violent Communication Facilitator 🌎 National Certified Counselor 👩🏼‍⚕️ Private Practitioner 📈 Entrepreneur, Author & Mentor 🎓Qualified Supervisor for State Licensure ⚖️ FL Supreme Court Family Law Mediator 🥅 Solution Focused ✌🏻Conflict Resolver ❤️ Self Compassion & Self Care Advocate 🧘🏼‍♀️ Mindfulness Meditating Yogi 🤔 Daily Intentions & Reflections 🗣 Neuro Linguistic Programming ✏️ Agile Learning Center Founder 📚 Self Directed Education Alliance 🧑‍🌾 Grower: Fruit Trees & Herbs 🍽 Psychology of Eating & Nutrition 👩‍🏫 Life Long Learner... 📍 Tampa, FL & Jurisdiction to practice in FL, CT, NC, SC, MD, VA

Trusting the Process: The Right Mindset for Therapy

What happens when you come into therapy, the first session has ended, and perhaps things don’t feel any better? It can be hard to walk through the process of therapy when we don’t know what to expect or how to cope with the moments that feel hard. What we anticipate from therapy shapes how we perceive and interpret our sessions. Our beliefs about therapy, our therapist, and the effectiveness of the process have a big impact on our experience of it. 

I hope this article brings you reassurance, empowers you to fully engage in therapy, and inspires hope as you navigate your own unique journey. Therapy holds immense value and can indeed serve as the catalyst for the change you seek. I believe these three shifts in perspective can help you develop a mindset that will enable you to get the most out of therapy.

1.     Embrace the Power of Expression

Often, we underestimate the profound impact of having a dedicated space to express ourselves freely, without fear of judgment. While our loved ones may offer support, they might not always possess the necessary tools required to fully understand our experiences. Your therapist is trained to fully immerse themselves in your perspective, offering a safe haven for you to share openly. This commitment is unique because, often, people may not know how to create the supportive environment you deeply desire. It's empowering to acknowledge that you have this sanctuary and someone who is adept at empathy, validation, and impartiality. Simply having a safe space to express can be incredibly therapeutic—it allows us to release pent-up emotions, process our thoughts, and receive the support we crave.

2.     Communicate If Something's Not Working

At times, there might be thoughts lingering in your mind that feel challenging to share with your therapist. If something isn't working or doesn't feel helpful, don't hesitate to discuss it openly. Sharing these concerns can help your therapist better understand your needs and tailor the treatment plan accordingly. Bring forth your fears, worries, and genuine emotions to your therapist—they are equipped to handle it and can provide the support you require. Whether it's frustration over the perceived slow progress or other difficulties, sharing these emotions with your therapist can offer them the opportunity to guide you through them. Occasionally, we may encounter less-than-ideal experiences in therapy where we don't feel properly cared for. This can be deeply disheartening and shake our confidence in the therapy process. However, I encourage you to give therapy another chance. Not every therapist will be the right fit for you, and that's perfectly okay. But remember, this doesn't reflect negatively on therapy as a whole. Therapy can be effective and transformative if you're committed to it. So, consider this your reminder to persevere, even when the journey feels challenging or doesn't meet your expectations. It's also okay to take a break from therapy and return when you're ready. I like to think of each therapy session as planting a seed. While we may not witness immediate growth, with time and nurturing, we can observe positive changes blossoming in our lives.

3.     Give Therapy the Time It Deserves

Therapy isn't a quick fix; it's a gradual process that unfolds over time, sometimes more time than we'd prefer. It's essential to remember that your therapist is human—they can't read your mind or predict your experiences. Making assumptions based on past experiences, whether theirs or others, can be harmful. Each individual is unique, with distinct needs and layers that require exploration. Your therapist needs time to understand who you are and what you're going through fully. They must carefully process and conceptualize your experiences to offer effective support. So, if progress seems slow, remember it's a sign that your therapist is approaching your care with diligence and consideration. Rest assured that even if issues aren't resolved immediately or the first strategies provided don't seem effective, change takes time. There's hope and power in the therapeutic process—real transformation occurs when we deeply understand and connect with the insights gained. Your therapist's role isn't to overwhelm you with information but to guide you toward self-discovery and growth collaboratively. Trust in the process, and with patience, positive change will unfold.

Written by Chelsea Reeves, MFT-I 

Book a session with me using the link below:

https://southtampatherapybookappt.as.me/ChelseaR

Want to learn more about Emotionally Focused Therapy and Gottman Couples Therapy? … Here are some Great Resources:

• Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by John Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, Doug Abrams, Rachel Carlton Abrams

• This program of eight lively, conversation-based dates will result in a lifetime of understanding and commitment, whether you’re newly in love or have been together for decades.

• Eight Dates is like having two of the world’s leading relationship scientists at your table coaching you on how to address the topics—from trust to money to dreams—that make-or-break relationships. Welcome to date night.

• An Emotionally Focused Workbook for Couples: The Two of Us by Veronica Kallos-Lilly and Jennifer Fitzgerald

  • Intended for use with couples who want to enhance their emotional connection or overcome their relationship distress. It closely follows the course of EFT treatment to easily integrate guided reading, reflection, and discussion into the therapeutic process. Explore concepts such as attachment bonds, the three cycles of relationship distress, how to make sense of emotions, relationship hurts, and more.

  •  The authors weave fresh, illustrative examples throughout, with updated content considering the impact of gender, culture, and sexual orientation on relationship dynamics. An expanded section on sexuality dispels constraining popular myths and frees partners up to express themselves more openly.

• Gottman Card Deck App

  • Inspired by the popular card decks from The Art and Science of Love weekend workshops for couples (now available virtually), this fun app offers helpful questions, statements, and ideas for improving your relationship. Download to explore 14 card decks with more than 1,000 flashcards, tap the star to favorite a card, easily tab back and forth between All and Favorites, and access more free resources from The Gottman Institute.

• Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson

  • Strengthen and deepen your relationships with revelatory practical exercises, seven profound conversations, and sage advice from “the best couple’s therapist in the world” (John Gottman, PhD, bestselling author) In Hold Me Tight, Dr. Johnson shares her groundbreaking and remarkably successful program for creating stronger, more secure relationships.

  • The message of Hold Me Tight is simple: Forget about learning how to argue better, analyze your early childhood, make grand romantic gestures, or experiment with new sexual positions. Instead, get to the emotional underpinnings of your relationship by recognizing that you are emotionally attached to and dependent on your partner in much the same way a child is on a parent for nurturing, soothing, and protection.

  • Dr. Johnson teaches that to enhance or save a relationship is to be open, attuned, and responsive to each other and to reestablish an emotional connection. With this in mind, she focuses on key moments in a relationship and uses them as touch points for seven healing conversations. These conversations give you insight into the defining moments in your relationship and guide you in reshaping these moments to create a secure and lasting bond. Through stories from Dr. Johnson’s practice, illuminating advice, and practical exercises, you will learn how to nurture, protect, and grow your relationship, ensuring a lifetime of love.

• Love Map Questionnaire – Integral Psychology

  • Gottman defines a “love map” as “that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life.” Having a detailed “love map” involves a genuine interest in your partner. It means making plenty of mental space to store information about their personal opinions, preferences, quirks, dreams, and fears.

  • You should be aware of major events in each other’s life history and attentively update your knowledge inventory as your spouse or lover grows and changes. Gottman says spouses who are in the habit of keeping up to date with each other’s lives (including intimate details about what the other feels and thinks), are better equipped to cope with major life changes, stressful events, and conflict.

• Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationship by Sue Johnson

  • The bestselling author of Hold Me Tight presents a revolutionary new understanding of why and how we love based on cutting-edge research. Every day, we hear of relationships failing and questions of whether humans are meant to be monogamous. Love Sense presents new scientific evidence that humans are meant to mate for life.

  • Dr. Johnson explains that romantic love is an attachment bond, just like that between mother and child, and shows us how to develop our “love sense” — our ability to create long-lasting relationships. Love is not the least bit illogical or random, but actually, an ordered and wise recipe for survival.

  • Love Sense covers the three stages of a relationship and how to best weather them; the intelligence of emotions and the logic of love, the physical and psychological benefits of secure love; and much more. Based on groundbreaking research, Love Sense will change how we think about love.

• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver

  • An overview of the concepts, behaviors, and skills that guide couples on the path toward a harmonious and long-lasting relationship. Just as Masters and Johnson were pioneers in the study of human sexuality, Dr. John Gottman revolutionized the study of marriage. Straightforward in its approach yet profound in its effect, the principles outlined in this book teach partners new and startling strategies for making their marriage work.

  • Dr. Gottman has scientifically analyzed the habits of married couples and established a method of correcting the behavior that puts thousands of marriages on the rocks. He helps couples focus on each other, on paying attention to the small day-to-day moments that, strung together, make up the heart and soul of any relationship.

  • Packed with questionnaires and exercises whose effectiveness has been proven in Dr. Gottman’s workshops, this is the definitive guide for anyone who wants their relationship to attain its highest potential.

Tampa Couples Counseling and South Tampa Marriage Counseling

I specialize in Tampa Couples Counseling and South Tampa Marriage Counseling, offering Relationship Therapy that fosters intimacy and happiness.

As a Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC), Marriage and Family Therapist, Ph.D, and a National Certified Counselor (NCC), I prioritize couples' well-being. At my South Tampa Office, I focus on couples, drawing from my Graduate Certificate in Marriage and Family Therapy (MFT). My approach centers on Gottman Method Couples Therapy, Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT), Internal Family Systems (IFS), and Structural Family Therapy addressing conflict, intimacy, and mutual understanding. I also utilize Compassionate Communication (NVC) to help couples and families use the same language to connect, even through the most difficult conversations.

In relationships, unmet needs often lead to misunderstood conflicts. Love transcends right or wrong; it seeks understanding, appreciation, and empathy. Effective communication holds the key to success.

Effective conflict management and communication are pivotal for a thriving relationship. Ignoring conflict breeds resentment, while poor communication is a precursor to separation or divorce.

Rest assured, your situation, though unique, can be unraveled. Couples often fall into predictable conflict patterns, but with guidance, these can be navigated.

In Couples Therapy, we tackle various issues:

• Communication breakdowns

• Recurring conflicts

• Emotional distance

• Relationship strains

• Commitment concerns

• Infidelity challenges

• Trust and boundaries

• Parenting dynamics

• Pre-marital concerns

• Intimacy and sexual difficulties

• Financial or health-related stress

All couples benefit from counseling, even those with normal conflict levels. Strengthening your relationship and coping mechanisms for future challenges are invaluable.

Let's embark on this journey together. Contact (813) 240-3237 to pave the way for happiness with your partner. I'm here to guide you towards a stronger, happier relationship.

Book with Dr. Liz here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/initialintake

Counseling and Therapy for Individuals, Teens, Couples, and Families in South Tampa

I understand it takes bravery to seek help from someone new, but rest assured, I aim to quickly bridge that gap. A client recently offered a touching compliment that deeply resonated with me:

"I've been in counseling for years. You stand out as the best counselor I've known. Why? Because I sense your sincerity."

I offer counseling and therapy for individuals, teens, couples, and families. As a South Tampa Counselor, I've assisted countless clients through various approaches, including individual counseling, marriage counseling, relationship counseling, affair recovery and grief therapy… and much more!

Being a Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC) and Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT), I don't use a standard approach; I tailor my methods to suit your distinct needs. My toolkit includes Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Emotion-Focused Therapy, Family Systems, Person-Centered, and Strength-Based approaches, ensuring adaptability for your benefit.

Clients appreciate my hands-on approach at my South Tampa office. As your counselor, I take an active stance in assisting you to reach your objectives, steering clear of merely asking, "How does that make you feel?"

Are you seeking life's purpose or feeling stuck? Let me equip you to harness your thoughts. Together, we can strengthen your confidence and unearth your potential through psychotherapy.

Want to deepen your connection with your partner? Relationships define our joy when they're in harmony. I can steer you toward love, understanding, and healing through marriage counseling and couples therapy.

Whether you're an individual grappling with anxiety, depression, grief, or self-esteem, or a couple seeking intimacy, I'm dedicated to aiding you in building a happier, more fulfilling life.

Book an initial Intake to start making positive changes! 

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/initialintake

Text Dr. Liz on her cell phone 813-240-3237

Transform Your Relationship: Evidence-Based Couples Therapy in South Tampa

Introduction

In the hustle and bustle of modern life, even the strongest relationships can face challenges. If you're seeking to enhance your connection, improve communication, and resolve conflicts, evidence-based couples therapy might be the beacon of hope you're looking for. In this blog post, we'll explore the benefits of evidence-based couples therapy, with a focus on communication and conflict resolution, right here in South Tampa.

Understanding Evidence-Based Couples Therapy

Evidence-based couples therapy is a scientifically validated approach that draws on proven techniques to help couples navigate the complexities of their relationship. It's not about guesswork; it's about using strategies that have been rigorously tested and shown to be effective.

Specializing in Communication

1. Active Listening: Effective communication begins with truly hearing and understanding your partner. Through evidence-based techniques, couples learn the art of active listening, ensuring both voices are heard.

2. Expressing Needs Clearly: Often, miscommunication arises from unclear expressions of needs. In therapy, couples learn to articulate their desires in a way that is constructive and comprehensible to their partner.

3. Non-Verbal Cues: Much of our communication happens without words. Evidence-based therapy helps couples become attuned to non-verbal cues, fostering a deeper level of understanding.

Conflict Resolution: A Vital Component

Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. What matters most is how it's handled. Evidence-based couples therapy equips partners with essential conflict resolution skills:

1. Identifying Core Issues: Often, surface-level conflicts mask deeper, underlying issues. Therapy helps unearth these core concerns, allowing for more effective resolution.

2. Constructive Communication during Conflict: Instead of resorting to harmful patterns, couples learn how to communicate constructively even in the midst of disagreement.

3. Finding Common Ground: Evidence-based techniques guide couples towards finding solutions that are acceptable to both parties, strengthening the relationship in the process.

Couples Therapy in South Tampa: Your Path to Transformation

For couples seeking evidence-based therapy specializing in communication and conflict resolution, South Tampa is home to a wealth of experienced and dedicated professionals. With their expertise, you can embark on a journey towards a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.

Conclusion

In the heart of South Tampa, evidence-based couples therapy is available to guide you towards a more harmonious partnership. By honing your communication skills and mastering conflict resolution, you can transform your relationship into one that thrives. Don't wait to take this important step towards a brighter future together. Reach out to a qualified couples therapist in South Tampa today and rediscover the love and connection you deserve.

The Steps and Stages of Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples

EFT for Couples is a three stage nine step process that takes a couple out of their negative repetitive fights that are causing a couple distress, anguish and pain and into a new place of bonding and connection where the fights are resolvable and solutions can be found. It was created by Dr. Susan Johnson and based on research in attachment theory and emotion, as well as, on systems, humanistic, and experiential treatment models. As a model itself, it has been validated by research to help about 70% of couples achieve some long term gain.

Stage One - Stabilization (assessment and de-escalation) 

In stage one of EFT, the therapist works empathically with the couple helping them identify and break the negative cycle, pattern or what Dr. Johnson calls the dance that keeps them separated and in emotional distress. During this stage of therapy, the therapist helps the couple begin to get more in touch with the underlying feelings, fears, and unmet relationship longings driving the negative dance. Experiencing these emotions and seeing their partner experience them, helps the couple to start to feel close again. Things at home start to go along more smoothly. There is a sense of calm and hope. Finally, in this stage, as de-escalation begins to take root, the individuals in the couple pair begin to see, feel, and understand that together they have created this dance of distress. Each person begins to understand more deeply the effect of his or her behavior on the other. Couple learns to work together as a team to stop the cycle.

Step 1: 
Assessment: Delineate conflict issues. Assess how these issues express core conflicts in the areas of separateness/ connectedness and dependence/ independence.
​
​Step 2:
Identify the negative interaction pattern or cycle.

Step 3:
Dive more deeply into and feel and share the emotions underlying and fueling each partners position in the cycle. 

Step 4:
Develop an understanding and experience of the problem (reframe) in terms of the cycle, the underlying emotions driving the cycle and the attachment needs which are normal and longing to be meant.

Stage Two - Bonding 

Once the couple begins to understand the dance they do together and is able to step back and stop it or repair it when it gets going at home, they are ready for stage two of EFT. Stage two essentially involves bonding moments where the couple begins to learn how to communicate their vulnerabilities to each other in a new and non-reactive manner. They are supported by the therapist to take risks in expressing their core sense of self, in asking for the other to be there for them and in requesting understanding and acceptance. Partners take turns reaching out to each other in vulnerability and responding back with empathy creating a new sense of togetherness and secure attachment.

Step 5:
Delve into and identify disowned needs and aspects of self that have been hidden for each partner.

​Step 6:
Promote acceptance of these tender and hidden parts, aspects of self and new ways of relating.

​Step 7:
Facilitate the expression of needs and wants, and restructure the interaction to create true emotional engagement.
​

Stage 3 - Consolidation of Change

After the couple has finished the bonding and restructuring events of stage two, they will begin to feel more secure with each other. During stage three, they feel like a team again. The narrative of their relationship has shifted to one where the distress and conflict is understood, resolved, and just part of the story.

Step 8:
Facilitate the emergence of new solutions to old problematic relationship issues.

Step 9:
Consolidate new positions and cycles of emotional closeness and attachment.

Sure, people still fight and sometimes even go back into their cycle. This is normal and will happen especially during times of stress. However, they are able to pull themselves out of it and be there for each other because their sense of self and experience of the relationship has changed. Because of this new ability and sense and during stage three, the focus is more practical and mostly involves consolidating gains and problem solving.

The Grief of an Affair (Your partner cheated. Now what? Part 2)

The revelation of a partner’s affair (sexual or emotional) comes as a shock to the hurt partner, even when doubts exist. The loss of trust in a relationship is no different from a physical loss. The closeness of the relationship and the hurt partner’s perception of preventability were identified as predictors of the grieving process’s intensity and duration in a study on human grief by Bugen. The predictors wouldn’t be different in the case of trust loss as well.

The process of grief includes five emotional stages to recovery from loss, as per the Kubler-Ross model. This process is not linear, and the hurt partner can find themselves at any stage throughout varying timelines. The stages of trust loss, applying the grief model to the aftermath of an affair, would be as follows:

DENIAL

The hurt partner struggles to comprehend what happened and is often unaware of the Gottman-Rusbult-Glass betrayal cascade that the betraying partner experienced or is experiencing . The hurt partner tends to minimize the pain of the affair initially and goes through the phase of “something is amiss, and it will be set right.” There is a strong need to confirm with the partner by asking questions in several different ways as they feel that this cannot be happening.

ANGER

The hurt partner starts to piece together the incidents from the past, and the reality gradually emerges. There is apparent anger about the betrayal, hurt for being let down, and sadness about losing the relationship. The anger can be toward oneself for letting this happen, the partner who did this to them, and the liaison who shouldn’t have crossed the boundaries. But then, there is also the fear that the anger may push away the very person they still love. The fear of losing the partner results in suppressing anger, which may erupt abruptly at different points as the entirety of the situation sinks in. There may also be self-doubt about their role in the case, which is overwhelming, given the immense emotional stress already persisting.

BARGAINING

The feelings of confusion, pain, anger, and other emotions seem unbearable and threaten the loss of control. It is a helpless state intensified by powerful emotions and therefore comes a need to regain control. The hurt partner tries to reset the past by exploring different paths, such as “if only I had stopped her that day when I saw her messaging,” “what if the other person had misused the situation and my partner is not at fault,” etc. There is a struggle to heal the pain faster by providing logical explanations and intellectualizing feelings. The hurt partner may try premature closure to postpone experiencing painful emotions.

DEPRESSION 

Here one feels the full impact of losing a trusted relationship. The affair erases everything the hurt partner believed. While the first three stages are more cognitive and solution-oriented, this stage is emotional and experience-oriented. It might involve heaviness and isolation. The hurt partner experiences intense emotions of anger, sadness, and doubts that can feel like there is no more running away. Questions may arise like, “does my partner love me at all?” “I should have given more time and attention before,” “What do I do now?” etc. These questions address the concerns at a deeper level, releasing intense emotions. It is a difficult phase that can feel foggy. Though depression may feel like a comfort zone as the inner conflict lessens, dwelling here indefinitely is unhealthy and would need counseling assistance to move on.

ACCEPTANCE

Acceptance comes concerning what happened and what it means in the future. It is not a perfect resolution and permanent closure (with emotions and interpersonal realities) but a transformative stage following a significant change. The hurt partner may start to have thoughts like, “I am aware of what went wrong and can understand the reasons,” “I will be able to forgive and move on,” etc. At this point, the perspective is more on the present moment and future rather than the past. Hope is renewed about the restoration of the relationship. This stage feels different as the outlook towards several aspects of life changes.

POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER (PTSD)

Shirley Glass noted that the hurt partner often suffers from a PTSD reaction following an affair’s discovery. According to Drs. John and Julie Gottman, if the below symptoms persist, then the chances are that the hurt partner is experiencing PTSD. 

1. Recurrent recollections and intrusive visualizations: “Deja vu” events, days, locations, etc., tend to trigger flashbacks of affair specifics. For example, recurring dates of when the hurt partner had found out about the affair trigger memories and related emotions that can induce flooding (stress) and panic attacks.

2. Oscillating moods, confusion, irritability, and outbursts: As the hurt partner struggles between feelings of betrayal and acceptance, there are periods of emotional numbing followed by explosions.

3. Intense emotions of anger, hurt, shame, grief, and frustration: There are ambivalent fears of anger, guilt, self-doubts, etc., that can overwhelm the hurt partner. Empathetic listening goes a long way in healing.

4. Hyper-vigilance and startling: Hurt partners can become startled and vigilant about mundane things like message notifications, phone rings, delay in replies, etc., and may seem to make impossible demands. Compassion and assurance will help.

5. Avoidance, detachment, and seclusion: The overwhelming feelings appear challenging, and isolation may seem like the only option. The betraying partner often misunderstands it as distancing and tends to stay away. It may enhance the feelings of rejection in the hurt partner when what is needed is emotional support.

6. Loss of focus and interest: The depression symptoms of demotivation, loss of interest, lack of energy, irregular sleep, no appetite, low feelings, etc., can persist.

7. Hopelessness about the future: As the world, they know, collapses, there may be hopelessness and helplessness about the relationship.

Although not all partners hurt by an affair will develop PTSD reactions, many will experience grief and depression. Hurt partners may become obsessed with the affair’s details, feel powerless with their emotions, and need therapeutic assistance at such times. It is important to note that these reactions are normal responses and can benefit from couple therapy.

FINAL THOUGHT

An affair shakes everything that the hurt partner believes in their understanding of themselves and the world. Gottman Method Couples Therapy can help a couple learn to atone, attune, and attach as they restore new purpose and meaning together.

Jinashree Rajendrakumar

References:

Bugen, L. A. (1977). Human grief: A model for prediction and intervention. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 47(2), 196–206. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1939-0025.1977.tb00975.x

Glass, S. (2007). NOT “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity. Simon & Schuster.

Gottman, J. (1995). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last. Simon & Schuster.

Gottman, J. M. (2011). The science of trust: Emotional attunement for couples.

Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017a). The Natural Principles of Love. Journal of Family Theory and Review, 9(1), 7–26. doi: 10.1111/JFTR.12182

Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017b). Treating Affairs and Trauma. Unpublished manuscript,  Gottman Institute, Seattle, USA.

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1986). Assessing the role of emotion in marriage. Behavioral Assessment.

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221–233. doi: 10.1037/0022-3514.63.2.221

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2002). A Two‐Factor Model for Predicting When a Couple Will Divorce: Exploratory Analyses Using 14‐Year Longitudinal Data*. Family Process, 41(1), 83–96. doi: 10.1111/J.1545-5300.2002.40102000083.X

Hall, C. (2011). Beyond Kubler-Ross: recent developments in our understanding of grief and bereavement. InPsych: The Bulletin of the Australian Psychological Society Ltd, 33(6), 8.

Holland, K. (2018, September 25). What You Should Know About the Stages of Grief. Retrieved from https://www.healthline.com/health/stages-of-grief