Divorce is an Important Story that you’ll Tell your Child, So be VERY Thoughtful and Write it Well!

Nothing quite prepares you for what it’s like to go through a divorce when you have children…

While the statistics say somewhere between 40-50% of adults will have to navigate this terrain at some point in their lives, when you embark on it, when it finally happens, your divorce can feel excruciatingly unique. Painfully individual.

And it is.

Rituals, rhythm, and rules. Your family is a microculture. The unique fingerprint of you and your spouse. The weaving of bones. Divorce, in turn, is the dissolution of such. The severing of a limb to save the tree. A metamorphosis that is characterized more by coming undone than by becoming. For the first time, you and your partner will have to venture into something together that is, by definition, designed to be done alone. You will go through divorce alone, together.

In my work as a couples therapist, if a couple with children decides to divorce, I caution them that this is a time when they must be careful. I remind them that most likely, their bodies have come to recognize the other as the enemy and that given this, their heart rates will increase to over 100 beats per minute whenever they are in close proximity to the other. For many, this physiological response to threat will occur even at the mere thought of the other. Like a bulimic, whose body learns to regurgitate food without even the slightest touch of a finger, so too do our nervous systems learn to expel the other.

And while these biological alarms may very well prepare you for war, they also come at a cost. Diffuse physiological arousal (DPA) is the amalgam of bodily stress responses. In addition to an accelerated heart rate, DPA is characterized by an increase in stress hormones. The result is an inability to think, communicate, or hear clearly.

Not surprisingly, divorce is a time when you will struggle with periods of psychological, physiological, and emotional impairment. All of this occurring, while you are simultaneously called on to make critical decisions, single-parent, generate income, sell or relocate your home, and navigate the grief and loss of dreams. Your life is coming undone faster than you can rebuild it, and the seeds of regeneration have yet to sprout their tendrils.

According to Dr. John Gottman, author of “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child,” if you want to know whether a kid is navigating parental crisis at home, there’s a litmus test. It turns out that children exposed to “great marital hostility” have markedly higher levels of stress hormones than children of parents with stable marriages.

Remember this when you’re seething in anger at your ex-to-be, and it threatens to overtake you. Your kid will excrete toxins of distress that their body cannot possibly metabolize. By a familial nervous system, you are all still interconnected on a subterranean level, and their body is screaming “stop,” even if they never utter a word to you.

Though if you listen carefully, they will and do tell you. And how you respond (or not) to what your child shares is critical. Their tummy may hurt at bedtime, or they’ll have an amorphous list of upsets that seemingly have no immediate cause (and therefore no remedy readily at hand).

You’ll want to make it better, cheer them up, play a game. If they’re older, they might ask questions and even insist that you confide in them as a way to ease their angst. It can be tricky to discern who is comforting whom. Divorce is lonely, and even the best of single parents can experience the understandable tug to derive comfort at times like these.

Tempting as it may be, try to refrain from responding to your child’s feelings by offering a distraction or cheering up. Such gestures, though well-intended, often come from our discomfort when we see our kid is hurting. We want to make it better—to offer relief. It’s natural to want to put a band-aid on an “ouch.” Unfortunately, divorce is bigger than that. Instead, learn to Hold Space for Them.

Instead, aim for what Gottman calls Emotion Coaching. To emotion coach, you must first cultivate an awareness of your child’s feelings. Notice their body language, their tone of voice, and their eyes. What do you imagine they might be saying (or not saying) in their actions and gestures?

Be curious and avoid projecting your feelings and thoughts. Expand on such moments, listening more than speaking, validating more than fixing. Let them know you see they are struggling and offer to help them to name their struggles—encouraging them to use their words.

Emotion Coaching can turn the mysterious case of a tummy ache or just feeling blue into a teaching moment from which your child derives comfort from feeling seen and understood. It will also offer them increased insight into their inner workings, allowing them to connect the dots between their tummy ache and their heartache.

The heartache of divorce is essential as air. Cultivating the ability to breathe through it and mourn is both the last and first stage of ending one story (your life as the family you were) and starting the next (your life as the family you are becoming).

You are closing a critical chapter of your life and simultaneously embarking on a new one. There is also compelling evidence to suggest that the narrative you write, speak, and live from will have a profound impact on the adult your child has yet to become. How you make sense of memories, your past and the ways it has shaped you in the present, the answers you give to the fundamental questions of such, have the potential to pass down (or not) the same painful legacy that marred your early days.

Daniel Siegel, author of “The Whole Brained Child” and “Parenting from the Inside Out,” states that the best predictor of a child’s security of attachment is not what happened to their parents as children, but instead how their parents made sense of those childhood experiences. I want to go out on a limb and assert that how we as parents make sense of any significant experience, whether we’re talking childhood or adulthood, has the potential to shape the adults our children have yet to become and, in turn, our grandchildren and so it goes.

The telling of how your marriage came to fracture will evolve, and as it does, and as you begin to understand the role you played in it, it’s important to see yourself as neither victim nor villain. Similarly (although it can be hard) aspire to view your ex from an equally generous and compassionate lens. After all, not many embark on marriage hoping love will end, and very few of us have a baby wishing our family will shatter.  

Breaking up a family when children are involved is akin to pulling bones out of your body while you are simultaneously growing them. Aspiring to narrate the story of your divorce from a place of empowerment will inform every interaction with your child, from the day-to-day to the essential rituals of transition, including bedtime, pickups, and drop-offs.

Here is where divorce presents its most significant opportunity—a window of time where the stars align in such a way that you have a chance to shift the future.

Create a constellation that serves as a map of where you have been, how you have gotten here, and where you wish to go in the days and years to come. It’s an atlas that will serve not only as a touchstone for you, but as a beacon for your children.

Your story will become their story, so write it well.

Thanks Kerry Lusignan for your insight and guidance!

Betrayal and Relational Trauma: How We Get Stuck in Trauma Bonds

There is hope!

If you are feeling stuck in trauma bonds, it's important to understand that there is hope. You can heal from this experience and even come out stronger on the other side. But it will require time, patience, and a willingness to do the work.

A tsunami of strong feelings might follow the discovery of your spouse's infidelity. After the initial shock and perplexity, most betrayed spouses battle for some time to regain control over their tumultuous feelings driven by intrusive thoughts and reminders. Infidelity, according to Patrick Carnes, a pioneer in the treatment of sexual addiction, can be as traumatic as sexual assault

It's critical to understand how and why the event changes our brain and behavior while recovering from infidelity. Staying curious while discussing what betrayal trauma looks like for both partners, as well as how this shared suffering might lead to harmful patterns in their interactions with one another- these patterns sometimes known as trauma bonds.

What Does Trauma Look Like?

The symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) are similar to those caused by betrayal. Trauma causes intrusive thoughts, avoidance, and hyperarousal in individuals with PTSD.

Intrusive thoughts are persistent, unwanted reminders of the traumatic experience, such as flashbacks (reliving the terrible event as if it were happening again) or nightmares about it.

Avoidance can take on a variety of forms, including trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic experience, as well as avoiding places, activities, or people that may remind you of it.

Hyperarousal is characterized by a feeling of distress and anxiety, which can extend to other areas such as difficulty sleeping, being easily startled, sluggish brain function, trouble focusing, and irritability.

Symptoms are frequently changing and varied from person to person. These same symptoms, when combined with detrimental changes in thinking and mood, can result in:

• Negative thoughts about yourself and others.

• Feel hopeless and powerless when the future appears bleak.

• Forgetfulness.

• Detachment from career, family, and friends.

• Lack of interest in activities you once enjoyed.

• It's difficult to experience pleasant feelings..

• Feeling emotionally flat and numb.

So, What Are the Causes of These Changes?

Betrayal trauma can alter your physiology due to the neurobiological changes that are taking place in your limbic system. Your body enters a fight, flight, or freeze (and sometimes fawn or collapse) reaction as a result of these adjustments.

When our amygdala senses danger, the hypothalamus activates the sympathetic nervous system, which causes epinephrine, also known as adrenaline, to be released. Adrenaline makes our heart beat faster and our lungs breathe more effectively on a good workout or training day. When we're stressed, our body releases hormones such as adrenaline, which help us stay safe and alert. It increases blood flow to the brain and muscles, making our mind more attentive to the situation and boosting blood sugar levels for vitality. When we are emotionally or physically scared, this surge of adrenaline is meant to keep us safe and alive.

When the danger level rises to a certain point, the hippocampus instructs the adrenal glands to produce cortisol. The hippocampus is essential for thinking, learning, memory, and behavioral management. Our brain needs to focus on problem solving during extreme stress, such as betrayal and relational trauma. Because you're overwhelmed with stress, your hippocampus isn't functioning well. The end result is conflict or flight from the stress/threat rather than problem solving in order to resolve it.

All of the same things that I previously stated are going on in a freeze response, with one exception: our subconscious has deemed this stress to be too hazardous. The sympathetic nervous system is no longer solely in command. The dorsal vagus nerve is activated on the back side, and it drags us into a condition of self-protection. When we are in risk of physical or emotional harm, whether real or imagined, we may shut down. We may appear calm but, inside, we are emotionally numb and frozen.

Finally, collapse response is comparable to that of freeze; it's a condition of hypo excitation. The dorsal vagus nerve screams, "This is too much!" and goes quiet. We are no longer seeking for methods to survive (fight or flight) but rather for a way to fall apart physically and emotionally. We may be unable to speak or feel removed or disconnected from our bodies. Our blood pressure, temperature, and heart rate drop dramatically. We might even faint or become unconscious in severe situations.

The fluctuating cycles of cortisol levels are detrimental to your immune system and general health. Even after an affair's initial discovery or disclosure, your brain can be bombarded with reminders that flood it with adrenaline and cortisol. This is one of the reasons why it's so difficult for your brain to accept and process this traumatic event, and subsequently let down its guard. The symptoms of PTSD are caused by this higher level of anxiety and isolation.What Do We Do About It?

You may not be interested in the neuroscience aspect, but you can still be interested in when your brain is offline or online. The Hypo-aroused and Hyper-aroused brains are both "offline." We can reclaim our center by practicing observing what goes on inside us while we're "offline". What do we think about and how are we physiologically feeling, such as our heart rate and breath? Are we hot or cold, sweaty or clammy? Do we feel numbness or strong emotions? Meditation, exercise, yoga, and journaling can help us stay centered.

What is Trauma Bonding?

Every relationship reacts to trauma differently. Both partners are frequently on the fight, flight, fawn or freeze continuum, but they're rarely in the same place at the same time, contributing to the negative cycle that couples dealing with infidelity's trauma find themselves in.

After being a therapist for 20 years, I have seen distorted and adaptive bonds form between partners. Some people call these "trauma bonds". It is crucial to understand your trauma as well as your spouse's, and have a working understanding of what is going on in both of your brains.

Here are a few examples of traumatic bond cycles that aren't helpful:

• For more than 6-9 months after discovery, the victim is fixated on the event, what occurred, and why...

• Between wanting a divorce and wanting to work things out, there's an endless debate.

• You and your spouse are continuing to have abusive debates.

• Keeping your relationship a secret from others who might criticize you for attempting to work it out.

• Breaking commitments to yourself or each other and expecting things to get better.

• Feelings of closeness one minute, followed by painful memories and outbursts the next are typical..

It may be useful to take a step back and examine the cycle of events in which you two escalate when you talk about specifics and reminders. Consider whether the way we are discussing the facts of the affair is pushing us closer to forgiveness or making matters worse. Still, you both need to be curious about this cycle that you are co-creating as you work to reconcile. As a reminder, you are both responsible for the co-creation of a new relationship starting today.

If you find that you and your spouse are in an unhelpful cycle, please don't beat yourself up for it; notice it without any shame and be curious about how you can begin to work through the trauma of infidelity more productively.

I'll be sharing more about this topic in future Free Resources, so stay tuned. In the meantime, if you're looking for more resources on this topic, I recommend reading Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass (the best book that I have found to help couples recover and heal from infidelity and relational trauma) and The Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes.

If you are struggling with infidelity in your relationship, please reach out for help. This is not something that you have to go through alone. I offer individual and couples counseling services and have experience helping people heal from betrayal trauma. You can text me here to set up a consultation. 813-240-3237 or book online:

www.SouthTampaCounselor.com/BookAppointment

I hope this has been helpful. Please feel free to reach out. Until next time!

Empowering Couples to Communicate Compassionately~ Using Non-Violent Communication (NVC)

The process of non-violent communication (NVC) was developed by Marshall B. Rosenberg and encourages us to connect with others in a more heartfelt and empathetic manner. NVC emphasizes the significance of language in our day-to-day encounters, calling for conscious responses, instead of reactions, based on perceptions, feelings, needs, and visions for what we DO want to see happen.

The Four Components of NVC

There are four basic components to NVC that include observations, feelings, needs, and requests. What actions are we seeing around us that have an impact on our well-being? How do we feel based on what we've seen or heard? What need, desire, or value sparked those feelings? All negative feelings are unmet needs. Finally, how may we make positive requests of others that will improve our lives? These elements all work together to create NVC's foundation.

Our Language Shapes Our Thinking

Sometimes our thoughts sabotage our needs. It is helpful to gather more data and not just react from our triggers or automatic thoughts. Our thoughts produce the way we feel. Negative thoughts point to an unmet need. If I don't know what I need and react from the story that I tell myself, a lot of bad habits can form from this bad habit. Instead, I can gather more data, not just from thoughts but I want to drop down and gather more data from my feelings, where my feelings live somatically in my body, and what needs I have. When I discover my needs, I am in a powerful position to get my needs met. If I do not know what I need in real time, I may react and sabotage my needs which disconnects us from ourselves and other people in our lives.

All attacks are unskilled ways of trying to get a need met. Attacks create disconnect and defensiveness. Using NVC helps us accept influence and stay connected even through some of the most difficult conversations.

NVC not only challenges us to change the way we talk to one another, it also challenges us to change the way we think and perceive the world around us. In other words, NVC is not just a process of communication where words are simply exchanged. We must reframe our thinking so that we are able to genuinely express ourselves and be empathetic to what others are observing, feeling, needing, and requesting. NVC is truly an amazing process that empowers us to connect with one another in a compassionate way.

How to Calm The Jackal and Put on Your Giraffe Ears

Marshall Rosenberg conceptualized our tendency toward aggression and dominance as a jackal, while our more compassionate side he imagined as a giraffe (since giraffes have the largest hearts of all land mammals). When we listen with Jackal ears, we hear complaints as criticisms and requests as demands. When faced with a demand, collaboration isn’t possible. You either submit or you rebel which disconnects us and neither feels good, nor works well in a long-term relationship.

Conversely, when we put on our Giraffe ears, we listen with more empathy and compassion. We are more likely to hear the feelings and the needs behind what someone is saying. We’re more likely to see those needs as being understandable and reasonable, and not in competition with our own needs. When we understand and empathize, compromise and collaboration become feasible.

Nonviolent Communication in Couples Therapy

With couples, NVC bridges the gap in understanding between each partner and helps counter the judgmental negative stories that may build up about the other person:

“They’re lazy.”

“They’re not putting in as much work as I am.”

“They don’t love and care about my feelings.”

These interpretations or evaluations discourage us from being vulnerable and trusting the other person, and they prevent us from making needed changes. When we choose to replace those judgmental stories with greater understanding, more connection is possible.

NVC may challenge our preconceived notions about others and the world, which can help us to appreciate one another and live more freely. When the guy who is cutting me off in traffic stops being a jerk and becomes a person going through something terrible in their own life, I am able to let go of my anger. When I recognize that my difficulties in keeping my home clean aren't "laziness" but rather a battle for motivation or a desire for "rest and recuperation," the self-compassion I gain not only lessens my suffering, but it also increases the likelihood that I will be able to satisfy that need AND keep my house clean.

Whether you’re looking for Couples Therapy or Individual Counseling, Nonviolent Communication (NVC) can help you create the life you want to live together as a team.

Eating Disorders, Addiction, and OCD: Know the Cycles that Keep you Stuck

When suffering with mental health diagnosis, it is not only the condition itself that causes distress, but also feeling afraid and confused about why you feel the way you do and how to find relief. One of the benefits of therapy is having someone who can help you answer those questions and guide you towards both alleviating your suffering and establishing realistic tools that maintain your progress. 

I have years of experience supporting clients struggling with eating disorders, OCD, and healing from trauma. I believe that the more you know, the more empowered you are to take meaningful action. My hope is that as you learn about the cycles that perpetuate mental health disorders you will feel less alone. Regardless of what “diagnosis” you might suffer from you are connected to others through common humanity and you are not alone. These cycles perpetuate themselves; it is not your fault. It is only once you’re aware that you can become curious about doing something different with the support of your treatment team. Look over the two diagrams below and consider your own experience, if any, with these vicious cycles. 

The Eating Disorder Cycle works in a similar way: 

Distress/Mental Obsession with weight, shape, appearance, food which leads to     Anxiety, Shame, Percieved lack of control which leads to   Compulsive Eating Disorder Behavior (Bingeing, Purging, Restricting, Exercising, Counting, Body Checking, Weighting, Measuring, Purging, Over-Exercise, Looking at old Pictures, Pinching Stomach) which Leads to  Temporary Relief/Sense of Control + Victory which leads to   Return of Internal Distress/Mental Obsession (but this time, you have even more distress because of the affects of compulsive behavior) and the cycle continues… 

As you might have noticed, all of the cycles begin with either internal distress, anxiety, or obsessive thoughts. All of the cycles include a behavior or compulsive thought/action that provided temporary releif. All the cycles include the return of internal distress/obsessive thoughts. 

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a popular treatment intervention for OCD, Eating Disorders, and Addiction. The premise of Cogntive Behavioral Therapy is identifying and re-examime unhelpful thinking patterns. The goals include adjusting thinking patterns so that the new patterns lead to more helpful emotions and behaviors. For example, if the thought is 

“If I don’t work out right now I will gain five pounds and have to cancel my date on Friday night” 

The therapist would guide you to find a more rational thought

“It is not logical that I can gain five pounds from one piece of pizza. If I choose to believe that, It will keep me from enjoying the date I have been looking forward to.” 

The hope is that, by practicing new rational thoughts, the person would calm down in their emotional response and thus the compulsion to exercise would be reduced and the cycle would be interrupted. 

I think that examining our thoughts with curiosity and choosing new helpful thoughts is a powerful tool and it holds merit in changing our emotional state and behaviors.

However….

I want to offer an additional insight into these cycles. If you notice, the compulsive behaviors (eating disorder behaviors, OCD rituals, substance use) are actually “effective” mechanisms that soothe and regulate real experiences of high arousal and physical anxiety. In some cases, the obsession and anxiety can lead a person to enter into a state of panic. If I am experiencing an intrusive thought/obsession…

 “If I do not lock my front door seven times, I will get robbed” 

that thought can cause a fight-or-flight response in my body that requires I do something to calm down. If I try and think my way out of it, I might not have access to the rational part of my brain because I am being flooded with chemicals that make my body feel unsafe thus reinforcing the percieved validity of the intrusive thought. 

The goal is to engage with new behaviors that, if practiced consistently, could give you relief that LASTS versus the temporary relief you got from your OCD, eating disorder, or substance use compulsions. This is not just replacement therapy, where you replace the disordered behavior with a positive one. It is not about ending “bad” behaviors, it is about giving your brain and body the gift of trusting you to take care of it, to soothe it, and to regain access to your emotions and bodily sensations without the harmful compulsions that did not work long term. 

Additionally, it could be part of the “cure” as to why you have the internal distress or obsessions in the first place. Maybe growing up, you did not have caregivers that were attuned to your needs or were not the best at soothing you or teaching you to acess the wisdom of your body and emotions. Maybe you have relational trauma that caused you to not fee safe in your body. The point is, learning how to be aware of your emotional and bodily state and learning how to regulate and soothe said state is a profoundly powerful skill set. 

There are many ways you can learn to self-soothe, regain access to your bodily and emotional sensations, and regulate yourself. 

Here are some websites that provide ideas for learning some basic skills: 

https://positivepsychology.com/self-soothing/

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/biology-of-calm-how-downregulation-promotes-well-being-1027164

https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/treatment-for-eating-disorders/co-occurring-dual-diagnosis/ocd-obsessive-compulsive-disorder

https://www.mindmypeelings.com/blog/window-of-tolerance

This is a lot to learn, and each person is different. There are a myriad of factors that impact each persons ability to understand and execute these new skills. You don’t have to walk this road alone, or do it perfectly! If you want support in breaking these cycles and empowering yourself to heal, please consider seeking the guidance and support of a caring therapist. 

Book with Shaundra McGuire: Consult/ Triage/ Waitlist/ Discovery Call Form

What is violent and nonviolent communication?

Violent communication, also known as a harsh startup, is when a person is trying to communicate something to their partner/child/parent/etc and the language being used comes out aggressive, attacking, blaming, belittling...I think you get the point. A big reason why communication comes out this way, is usually because the person has a need that is not being met and they are unsure how to communicate this need. For some of us, violent communication is the only form we know and for others, we may not know the correct language to identify how we feel or need. This is where nonviolent communication comes in. It completely changes the way we communicate. Communication is not only about speaking, listening and truly hearing the other person is a key component.

Nonviolent communication, also known as a soft start up, is where the speaker expresses I AM without blaming or criticizing and the listener empathically receives how YOU ARE without hearing blame or criticism. NVC has 4 parts to it:

1) Observations

- What I observe that does or does not contribute to my well-being (free from my evaluations)

- "When I (see. hear)....."

2) Feelings

- How I feel in relation to what I observe (emotion or sensation rather than thought)

- "I feel..."

3) Needs

- What I need or value that causes my feelings (rather than a preference or a specific action)

- "...because I need/value..."

4) Requests (Don't be demanding"

- The concrete action I would like taken

- "Would you be willing to...?"

The listener will verbally mirror back everything that the speaker says when using this script for a soft start up. I hope this helps when trying to express your needs through communication with your partner/child/parent/etc.

Let's continue to grow into better versions of ourselves(:

By Crystin Nichols, MFTI

Why do we feel the way we feel? The Power of Attachment

How you show love, how you feel connection, and how you relate to others is all influenced by your attachment style. The key factors that define the quality and security of an attachment bond are based on two questions:

·   Can I count on you?

·   Am I worthy of your love?

It might surprise you that the way you learn to love in infancy can have a direct impact on how you navigate adult relationships. This idea stems from attachment theory, which was first developed in the 1950’s by the work of John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. According to attachment theory, a persons’ attachment style is created and shaped during their first years of life, in response to the relationship dynamics with their primary caregivers. Essentially, adult attachment styles are believed to mirror the attachment style learned in childhood with the primary caregiver. In infancy and early childhood, attachment style is developed based on how our basic needs for food, security, and connection, are met. Attachment styles can be thought of as different internal working models of relationships that have evolved from life experiences.

There are four attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.

Secure attachment:

Secure attachment style is characterized by an ability to view oneself as basically loveable, and an ability to view others as generally reliable and responsive. A secure attachment is first developed in childhood if your caregiver was able to be emotionally available, offer reassurance and validation, and make you feel safe and understood. In adulthood, a securely attached individual can depend on others while also maintaining their individuality. A securely attached person has an easier time trusting and accepting others and allows people to get close to them. They are not afraid of intimacy and don’t feel a sense of panic if a partner needs space or time away.

Anxious attachment:

Anxious attachment style is represented by a deep fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, and codependent tendencies. Anxious attachment style can stem from a lack of consistent parental support during infancy and early childhood. For example, this may look like a parent who is sometimes attentive, and sometimes pushing away. This inconsistency can create anxiety and beliefs about what we expect and can count on in relationships. In adulthood, an anxiously attached style usually presents itself in codependent tendencies or behaviors. This stems from that fear of abandonment or rejection. A person with an anxious attachment style usually has a hard time feeling worthy of love and therefore needs constant reassurance from their partners.

Avoidant Attachment:

Avoidant attachment style is characterized by a fear of intimacy and a lack of trust on the dependability of others. Avoidant attachment style can stem from growing up in an environment that is lacking sufficient parental support and supervision. For example, this could be the result of a neglectful or busy parent. It could also be a parent who is present, but not concerned with their child’s emotional needs and fears. In adulthood, a person with an avoidant attachment style usually has a hard time getting close to others and trusting them. Relationships can often feel suffocating for them, and they tend to maintain some distance from their partners, especially emotionally. An avoidant attached person usually prefers to rely on themselves because they have learned not to depend on others for their emotional needs.

Disorganized Attachment:

Disorganized attachment style is defined by extreme inconsistent behaviors in relationships and a lack of trust in others. A disorganized attachment style most commonly stems from a result of childhood trauma, abuse, or neglect. The child often views their caregiver as both a source of comfort and fear, which leads to the disorganized, inconsistent behaviors. Adults with a disorganized attachment style often behave in unpredictable ways in relationships, and view their partner as being unpredictable. They waver between acting distant and independent and being emotional and codependent. Adults with disorganized attachment consistently seek out intimacy, while also fearing it and sometimes rejecting it when it gets too close.

It can be empowering to identify and understand your unique attachment style and where it stems from. Becoming aware of your feelings and behaviors in relationships can make the healing journey much easier. Through this exploration, new avenues of thinking and behaving can emerge to equip you for more secure relationships. If you are interested in learning more about your attachment style and how it influences your adult relationships, click on the link below to take a short attachment style quiz! For a deeper dive into attachment, book an appointment today to conduct an Adult Attachment Interview with one of our skilled clinicians.

http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl

Written by: Jamie Rudden LMFTI 

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/JamieRuddenMFTI

The Starved Brain: Why does your loved one with Anorexia think, feel, and act the way they do?

The Starved Brain: Why does your loved one with Anorexia think, feel, and act the way they do? 

If you have a loved one with Anorexia, you know more than anyone that eating disorders impact the entire family. It can feel like everything you know and have come to expect from your loved one changes overnight. I have had family members report to me: 

“It’s like he is a whole different person”

“Is my precious happy girl still inside that body?”

“My wife has always been the life of the party. That’s one of the reasons I married her, now I can’t get her to leave the house”

 It can be tremendously confusing and sometimes feelings of hopelessness emerge. That is very normal. It is scary. To understand these jarring changes, it is helpful to remember that Anorexia is a physical illness. It manifests, if not treated early, in significant weight loss and calorie restriction.  Your loved one is acting, thinking, and feeling the way they are because of what research tells us about The Psychology of Hunger. 

The Psychology of Hunger: The Starved Brain 

The most notable study conducted the starved brain was undertaken in 1948 by Ancel Keys, called “The Biology of Human Starvation or popularly known as “The Minnesota Starvation Experiment.” The purpose of the experiment was to demonstrate how the body and mind are affected by not eating, or by restricting food. In this study, healthy young men were observed under normal conditions then exposed to caloric restriction (1570 calories a day for 6 months). After the semi-starvation period, they were rehabilitated with the purpose of determining the most successful form of nutritional rehabilitation. Such a study would never be conducted in modern research, but the results were foundational in shifting perceptions and guiding modern treatment interventions for Anorexia. 

The Results

Below are the symptoms that were found at just 1570 calories a day for 6 months. *It is noteworthy that most sufferers of Anorexia eat far less than 1570 calories a day* 

• Physical: Less energy, reduced heart muscle mass, lower heart rate and blood pressure, headaches, decreased hormone levels, sensitivity to noise and light, a feeling of being cold all the time, loss of strength and greater fatigue and hair loss and dry skin.

• Emotional and Cognitive changes: Depression, anxiety, irritability, increased mood fluctuations, intense and negative emotional reactions, decreased enthusiasm, reduced motivation, impaired concentration, problem solving and comprehension, increased rigidity, obsessional thinking, and reduced alertness.

• Attitudes and behaviors related to food: Thinking about food all the time, eating very slow or very fast, increased hunger, unusual food routines and rituals, binge eating, increased use of condiments for flavor.

• Social changes: Feeling more critical of others, withdrawn and isolated, loss of sense of humor, feelings of social inadequacy, neglect of personal hygiene and strained relationships.

These men had no previous mental health diagnosis, significant childhood trauma, or any health conditions that would skew the results in any meaningful way. 

Implications

When working with sufferers and their family members I always share this study and pay special attention to highlight the results in the emotional/cognitive changes and social changes sections. I have seen the implications of this study reduce shame and destigmatize the individual suffering. I try to communicate that your loved one is still the same person you know; they are just experiencing the brains response to starvation. With appropriate nutritional rehabilitation and patience there is no reason to believe that most, if not all, of these symptoms will go away completely. The first step to treating Anorexia is weight restoration. Getting stuck in the “Why” vortex is tempting because the sufferer and family want to believe that if they knew why their loved one developed Anorexia it would give them the solution. Sometimes family members blame themselves: endlessly analyzing and hypothesizing about some unknown error they made. It is important to make sense of or peace with your loved one’s diagnosis but if there is anything you can do to support your loved one, it is to encourage them to seek nutritional rehabilitation first and foremost. I ask family members to avoid pathologizing their loved one. Going to therapy once a week while severely malnourished can be unfruitful  because of the starved brain. A therapist role is to encourage motivation for recovery, educate and normalize Anorexia, and celebrate the little wins. Once your loved one is weight restored, the deeper work can be done from a healthy nourished brain. Should you be a family member of a sufferer in early stages of recovery, the primary take-away is to remind yourself and your loved that their brain is starving and the way they feel, think, and behave are survival responses. Remind them that it is not their fault, and it will not feel like this forever. Your loved one is not ‘CRAZY’ nor has their character or personality fundamentally changed they are just starving.  

By Shaundra McGuire, MHCI

Book an appointment with Shaundra Mcguire:

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ShaundraMcguireMFTI

Additional resources for you and your loved one:  

https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/

https://www.gaudianiclinic.com/videos-press

References: 

https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/information/anorexia/how-malnourishment-affects-the-brain-research-on-anorexia-and-neurobiology

https://eatingdisorders.dukehealth.org/education/resources/starvation-experiment

https://nedc.com.au/eating-disorder-resources/find-resources/show/issue-59-i-the-starved-brain-can-what-we-eat-determine-how-we-think

https://www.apa.org/monitor/2013/10/hunger

5 Misconceptions about Depression

Here are Five Misconceptions about Depression

Depression is one of the most common mental health disorders in the United States. Depression can make it feel like life has lost its meaning or make a person feel like they are worthless. Although depression and mental illness is more frequently discussed today, there are still misconceptions about major depressive disorder that hinder people who are struggling with depression from seeking the help that they need. 

Misconception # 1: There is always a reason for a person’s depression

Some people may have specific reasons for their depression but for others, there is no tangible reason why they are experiencing a depressive episode. Common reasons for depression include feelings of hopelessness, feeling like there is no meaning to life, experiencing abuse, lack of support system, and more. Not having a tangible reason for your depression can be frustrating and make it hard to explain to others which can cause feelings of isolation. Know that you are not alone in these feelings or alone in your depression even though it may feel that way.

Misconception # 2: Depression is untreatable

Untreated depression can affect your life physically, emotionally, and socially. There are several treatment options for Major Depressive Disorder that can be utilized to treat the whole person and not just one aspect of their lives. Talk therapy, behavioral therapy, medication, meditation and yoga, increased exercise, changed diet, and even volunteering can be helpful in getting through your depression. These treatments can help support clients through the life change that needs to occur to address the roots of a person’s depression.  

Misconception # 3: Depression looks the same in everyone 

There is a stigma around depression in our society and a picture of what depression looks like that can be damaging when it comes to identifying depression and getting treatment. What depression looks like for one person may 

Misconception # 4: Medication is the only way to manage it 

Medication is one treatment option that can be used in tandem with talk therapy. Research has shown the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is effective in the treatment of depression. CBT can help promote better day-to-day functioning for those with depression. A combination of medication and CBT is most effective in treating depression. 

Misconception # 5: It is the same as being sad

One of the biggest differences between sadness and depression is the length of time. Everyone experiences feeling down and sad but it does not typically last very long. Depression can last from two weeks to a year. Sadness may dissipate with time and kind words from a person’s support system but depression does not. 

If you believe you may be depressed, finding a therapist is a great way to start dealing with it and feeling better. Depression can make a person believe they don’t deserve help or that they are being weak by seeking help, but that is not true. Depression is a serious condition that requires treatment to manage and overcome.

If you or a loved one is experiencing suicidal thoughts or tendencies, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. 

By Amanda Kohl, RMCHI

Congrats on your Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern status Amanda! It has been such a pleasure having you as a multidisciplinary team member at South Tampa Therapy and Mediation. We are looking forward to our continued partnership with you. Here is Amanda’s profile on Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/amanda-kohl-tampa-fl/932283

References:

https://www.therecoveryvillage.com/mental-health/major-depressive-disorder/mdd-myths/

https://www.unitypoint.org/desmoines/article.aspx?id=a655c7e2-fe37-4817-887b-c762ff455b23

SELF COMPASSION IN EATING DISORDER RECOVERY

SELF COMPASSION IN EATING DISORDER RECOVERY  

Many of my clients express to me that as their symptoms and eating disorder behaviors increase so does the volume of the eating disorder “Ed” voice. Let me tell you, Ed’s voice could not be further from one of compassion but rather it is critical, shaming, cruel, persuading, and even violent. Some clients have told me “It’s like a drill segreant. If I do not obey my safety feels threatened.” I am not suggesting that people suffering from eating disorders literally have another person living in their head, but once eating disorders are triggered the thought patterns that fuel the behaviors are par for the course and addressing Ed’s voice is a fundamental part of treatment and treatment outcomes.

I will make a quick statement that as one becomes nutritionally rehabilitated (regardless of weight) with a balanced meal plan provided by a registered eating disorder dietician the voice will quiet naturally. Addressing malnourishment is the first step of recovery but that does not mean that starting the work of self-compassion cannot go hand in hand. Self-compassion is a life practice not just a recovery practice. 

WHAT IS SELF-COMPASSION? 

Dr. Kristen Neff is widely recognized as one of the world’s leading experts on self-compassion. She was the first person to operationally define and measure the construct around 20 years ago. You can check out her website here. Here is how Kristen understands self-compassion. 

“Self-compassion is extending compassion to one’s self in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering.” 

Kristen’s three key ingredients to self-compassion are: 

1. Mindfulness -a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which individuals observe their thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them.

2. Common humanity-suffering and personal failure is part of the shared human experience rather than isolating.

3. Self-kindness -being warm towards oneself when encountering pain and personal shortcomings, rather than ignoring them or hurting oneself with self-criticism.

TIPS TO START PRACTICING SELF COMPASSION IN RECOVERY

Imagine you are carelessly strolling down the street and suddenly you catch your reflection in the shop window and BOOM Ed voice says…

 “I can’t believe you chose to eat that gelato with lunch. I told you not to and now look at you, you’re bloated. Honestly your stomach is disgusting. You are so weak. I can’t believe you have the nerve to be out in public right now. You need to get your act together and (insert ED behavior) exercise, restrict, purge, isolate, cut etc.” 

Instead of mindlessly obeying Ed you could instead take a Self-Compassion Break.  Even if you end up following through with the behavior pausing and trying something different is building towards your recovery and diminishing the power of ED. 

 SELF COMPASSION BREAK: 

Mindfulness: Recognize you are experiencing some form of struggle. Emotional, physical, or mental pain. Identify the pain and in a compassionate tone, you might say “This is scary, I am afraid I gained weight. I am afraid if I don’t punish myself for the gelato I have failed. I feel guilty.” The goal is to recognize and validate the difficulty with a compassionate tone.

Common Humanity: Remind yourself that everyone (especially others suffering with ED’s) have experienced this form of suffering and know how you feel. You are not alone, and it is exactly suffering and relating to one other through empathy, validation, and compassion that binds humans closer to one another.  

Self-Kindness: The final steps is offering yourself kindness amidst the suffering ( fear, guilt, and ED’s mean voice) through giving yourself kind words and actions. Kristin Neff has called this the yin and yang of self-compassion. The yin being kind words to oneself and yang being kind actions. Kind words could be “You are brave for facing your fears and pursuing recovery. You enjoyed that Gelato and it was so such a fun lunch with your friend. There are others who would be inspired by your recovery action today.” For a kind action you can choose any out of your self-care toolbox as long as it represents kindness towards self-amidst the suffering and goes against the will of Ed’s voice. 

I encourage you to try using Self-Compassion Breaks as much as you can. The Ed voice will not get any weaker unless we become mindful of it, validate and feel our feelings, and respond with kindness. 

Follow this link for more tools to practice self-compassion! 

By Shaundra McGuire, MHCI

Book an appointment with Shaundra Mcguire:

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ShaundraMcguireMFTI

REFERENCES: 

https://self-compassion.org/

https://www.edcatalogue.com/3-mindful-self-compassion-tools-eating-disorder-recovery/

START YOUR HEALING JOURNEY By Creating Awareness & Self Compassion

Key Facts About Compassionate Awareness

What is it, why do we value it, and what are the benefits?

Compassionate Awareness is the integration of 4 things:

1 - Consciousness: a set of principles that support living a life of compassion, collaboration, courage, and authenticity. Showing-up in a way you intend to.

2 - Language: understanding how words contribute to connection or distance (to self or others).

3 - Communication Skills: knowing how to ask for what we want, how to hear others even if in disagreement, and how to move towards solutions that work for all.

4 - Means of Influence: sharing “power with others” rather than using “power over others”.

Compassion serves our desire to do 3 things:

1 - Increase our ability to live with choice, meaning, intention, and connection.

2 - Connect empathically with self and others to have more satisfying relationships.

3 - Sharing of resources so everyone is able to benefit.

Why do we value Compassionate Awareness?

Most of us could brush up on our skills to improve the quality of our relationship with ourselves and others, to deepen our sense of personal empowerment or simply help us communicate more effectively. Unfortunately, most of us have been taught to mix OBSERVATIONS with comparisons to compete, judge, demand and diagnose; to think and communicate in terms of what is “right“ and “wrong“.

This habitual way we THINK and REACT sabotages our intentions to get our needs met. We fail to communicate our actual need which further creates disconnect, misunderstanding, and frustration. And still worse, this can cause anger, suffering, and escalation. As this way of communicating escalates, this may lead to violence.

As a result, reactions from negative thoughts, even with the best of intentions, generate needless conflict.

On the flip-side, compassionate awareness helps us reach to the core need and discover what is alive and vital within us, and how all of our actions are based on human needs that we are seeking to meet. We learn to develop a vocabulary of FEELINGS and needs that helps us more clearly express what is happening internally in us, and understand what is going on in others, in real time.

When we understand and acknowledge our NEEDS, we develop a shared foundation for much more satisfying relationships.

Living Intentionally

The intention to connect with ourselves and others is one of the most important goals of practicing and living NVC. We live our lives from moment to moment, yet most of the time we are on autopilot, reacting out of habit rather than out of awareness and presence of mind. By creating a space for attention and respect in every moment, NVC helps create a pathway and a practice that is accessible and approachable. Studying and practicing NVC creates a foundation for learning about ourselves and our relationships in every moment, and helps us to remain focused on what is happening right here, right now.

Four Components of Compassionate Communication

Observation:

Observation without evaluation consists of noticing concrete things and actions around us. We learn to distinguish between judgment and what we sense in the present moment, and to simply observe what is there.

Feeling:

When we notice things around us, we inevitably experience varying emotions and physical sensations in each particular moment. Here, distinguishing feelings from thoughts is an essential step to the NVC process.

Needs:

All individuals have needs and values that sustain and enrich their lives. When those needs are met, we experience comfortable feelings, like happiness or peacefulness, and when they are not, we experience uncomfortable feelings, like frustration. Understanding that we, as well as those around us, have these needs is perhaps the most important step in learning to practice NVC and to live empathically.

Request:

To make clear and present requests is crucial to NVC’s -3- transformative mission. When we learn to request concrete actions that can be carried out in the present moment, we begin to find ways to cooperatively and creatively ensure that everyone’s needs are met.

Two Parts Empathy:

Receiving

from the heart creates a means to connect with others and share experiences in a truly life enriching way. Empathy goes beyond compassion, allowing us to put ourselves into another’s shoes to sense the same feelings and understand the same needs; in essence, being open and available to what is alive in others. It also gives us the means to remain present to and aware of our own needs and the needs of others even in extreme situations that are often difficult to handle.

Honesty:

Giving from the heart has its root in honesty. Honesty begins with truly understanding ourselves and our own needs, and being in tune with what is alive in us in the present moment. When we learn to give ourselves empathy, we can start to break down the barriers to communication that keep us from connecting with others.

The 4 Trauma Responses: Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn: Examining The Four Trauma Reactions

According to a research on the neurobiological consequences of psychological trauma, our bodies are designed to respond to perceived threats with a set of near-instantaneous, reflexive survival behaviors. Chemicals are introduced into our circulation via a short-term technique in order to rouse the body's defensive measures through the sympathetic nervous system. However, when our stress responses are continually activated, there isn't enough time to break down the chemicals, and our nervous system becomes overloaded and dysregulated—placing us firmly in the survival mode. The short-term protections become permanent as our body undergoes sympathetic nervous system dominance.

These post-trauma responses, on the other hand, aren't limited to those who've experienced significant "Trauma" events (such as war, death, or disaster) frequently associated with profound trauma. The fact is that trauma exists along a continuum of stress. Because trauma is subjective and personal, minor "T" incidents may be just as traumatic as big "T" events. Trauma, for example, might include a terrible breakup, a betrayal of trust, a work environment that is chronically abusive, or anything else that is mildly frightening over time. They may not seem serious at the time, but the long-term effects of trauma can still have a significant influence on you physically, spiritually, and mentally when they are not emotionally processed and integrated—somatically, intellectually. If a problem is left unresolved, past trauma may turn into trapped, frozen energy that your body will respond to physiologically in the form of a trauma response.

Fight, flight, freeze, fawn: the four types of trauma response.

Healthy stress responses aren't inherently negative; they can help you stand up for yourself in the short term. However, while trauma is a major cause of internal upheaval, it may be taken to an unhealthy and wearing extent. 

The fight response

When functioning properly, the fight response enables for assertion and solid boundaries. It's an active self-preservation function when it's used as a trauma response, in which you move reactively toward conflict with anger and aggression. It's a fear state in which you confront the danger of being assaulted or otherwise harmed so that you can defend yourself. A fight trauma response is when we believe that if we are able to maintain power over the threat, we will gain control. This can look like physical fights, yelling, physical aggression, throwing things, and property damage. It's possible to experience a tightening in the throat, along with other symptoms such as balling your hands into fists, stomach knots, tears, contentiousness, or a firm jaw.

Take a few moments to take a look at yourself and determine how you're currently positioned. It may feel wonderful to use your body to get mobility in the situation while having your insides mirror your outsides, but it comes at the cost of connection and others feeling safe around you.

You may use deep breathing, warm baths, routines, mindfulness, and self-love to help you let go of this. The fight response prepares you to be physical, so you can also utilize exercise to help the body return to normal. It activates your parasympathetic system by practicing mindfulness and a burst of constructive activity like yoga or stretching. It relieves anxiety and allows you to reconnect more deeply by releasing tension.

The flight response

The flight response is triggered when a person feels threatened or exposed. Avoidant behavior occurs as a result of the flight response. You can be discriminating in high-stress situations and disengage within limits if you're healthy. However, as a trauma reaction, you go one step farther by shutting yourself off entirely.

When we feel that if we can get away from the danger and avoid conflict, we will be okay, this is known as the flight response. This might look like fleeing and avoiding social interactions. To escape unpleasant emotions, you may stay occupied or flee for the door whenever things become difficult.

Do things that produce an immediate, physical response from your body to drop back into yourself. Pay attention to any tense muscles and relax them to relax the mind. Use bodywork and purposeful movements to stop the stress response so you can reflect on how you want to react rather than reacting spontaneously. 

Coping techniques that are tactile (such as drinking a warm beverage or eating crunchy food) and grounded, such as snuggling with a pet or doing some yoga, can all help. It's critical to make connections with those around you in order to release feel-good, happier chemicals like endorphins and serotonin.

The freeze response.

When healthy, the freeze response may assist you in slowing down and evaluating the situation carefully in order to figure out what to do next. When this protection is activated, it frequently leads to "freezing"—feeling frozen and unable to move or getting trapped in a fog or oblivious to reality. You don't feel like you're really there, and you're mentally checked out as you leave out what's going on around you and what you're feeling in an attempt to obtain emotional security.

When parts of your sympathetic nervous system have reached a state of overload, they may shut down your brain. I compared this reaction to that of our animal friends playing dead in the presence of a predator. When we freeze, it's as though we're at a loss for words; we withdraw into our minds; it's difficult for us to break out and be present; we sleep; we dissociate/spacing out; and we become emotionally or physically numb.

It's the same as temporary paralysis and disconnecting from your body to avoid additional stress.

To counteract that loss of connection with yourself, do grounding exercises if you catch yourself starting to dissociate. My personal therapist taught me this one. I call it "See Red." Look around your immediate surroundings for a red thing. For me right now, my husband's red sweatshirt flashes by. Then I'll look at it and take a deep, slow breath before scanning the area for another red item. I do this five times in a row. This may help us return to our current reality rather than the one we create when we're under stress due on traumatic reaction that takes us out of the present moment.

The fawn response. 

At its most fundamental, fawning is all about pleasing others and engaging in pacifying behaviors. It's characterized by putting people first above all else by doing whatever they want to avoid conflict and gain their approval. It appears to be beneficial to be well liked and defer to others in order to secure safety, but not when it comes at the price of losing yourself. It may eventually lead you to abandon yourself and your needs by merging so completely with others. Most likely, you don't feel understood by others or feel overshadowed by the individuals in your life.

Fawn response is people-pleasing to the point of forgetting oneself entirely; thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations. When someone tells me what I want to hear and I inquire how they're doing, they respond, 'I'm OK,' or 'I'm all right; so-and-so did this to me and I felt terrible.' I'll get a quick answer about how they're doing followed by a longer one about how someone else in their life is doing.If you're noticing that you're fawning often, be extra compassionate with yourself as you begin to separate what feelings belong to you and what belongs to other people. Observe yourself when you're around others to add in buffering time to help prevent resorting to fawning. The first step is awareness and learning how to start putting up boundaries to take up space.

Through my own experience, I've learned that focusing on it when I'm doing it is difficult, and calling attention to it may be uncomfortable. Recognize that your body and mind did their utmost to keep you safe but that you have the ability and worthiness to return to a secure state of mind.

Is it possible to have more than one trauma response?

Because trauma responses don't always neatly fall into a category, you may not overuse the same methods when confronted with fear. It's more likely that you'll primarily identify with one or two of the 4 Fs, but you'll still change between them depending on the context-specific environment in which you find yourself. Responses combine to form hybrids such as fight/fawn and flight/freeze for individuals who have experienced severe trauma.

Another element that influences our responses is the reality or perceived consequences of our behaviors. One stimulus for trauma might cause you to flee, while another may encourage you to fight—an example of this is an age-old battle with a loved one where you both want to hang up the phone and scream. Or if you're fawning, you just want to tell them they're right so they'll stop nagging at you.

The conclusion.

Know you aren't alone if you identify with one of the four trauma responses. Social support and journaling as self-soothing methods to figure out how to handle difficult circumstances and recover.

It's good to notice and speak about your trauma reaction with someone who cares for you, and who won't judge or provide unsolicited advice. Identifying our present behaviors as well as knowing we can make adjustments as needed is the first step toward better health.

In tandem, embodied healing is crucial to processing and feeling safe in your body. Managing your mental and physical health can help you find a new direction in order to cultivate responsive behaviors that are good for your health. Yoga as a method of relaxing the survival brain and meeting with a trauma-informed therapist at South Tampa Therapy will help in your healing journey.

Keep in mind that you're only human. You've been doing all that is necessary to keep thriving. It will take some time to unlearn some of these habits, which is fine. It is all in time... compassion, acceptance and patience in this process takes practice one day at a time.

Defensiveness & Emotional Flooding: Understanding Our Nervous Systems

DEFENSIVENESS

At its core, defensiveness is a way to protect our ego and a fragile self-esteem. Our research team member Ellen Alley explains that our self-esteem is considered fragile when our failures, mistakes, and imperfections decrease our self-worth. In our work, the opposite of a fragile self-esteem is grounded confidence. With grounded confidence, we accept our imperfections and they don’t diminish our self-worth. It makes sense that defensive-ness occurs in areas of our lives where we have fragile self-esteem, or across several areas of our lives if the fragility is more general. Any perceived call-out of our weakness is experienced as an attack on our worth, so we fight hard to defend ourselves against it.

In order to try to limit our exposure to information that differs from how we think of ourselves, we get defensive and overjustify, make excuses, minimize, blame, discredit, discount, refute, and reinterpret. Defensiveness blocks us from hearing feedback and evaluating if we want to make meaningful changes in our thinking or behavior based on input from others.

In our Dare to Lead training, we work with participants to figure out what defensiveness looks like for them, what it feels like, and whether there are some situations that are more likely to trigger it than others. To increase self-awareness, we ask folks to think back to a time when they received difficult feedback and try to remember what their bodies were doing, what thoughts were coming up, and what emotions they were feeling. The vast majority of people struggle to remember the exact thoughts and feelings, which makes sense, given that many of us go into fight-or-flight mode in these situations.

However, for the most part, people can remember their physical responses: Folding their arms over their chest, shoving their hands into their pockets, getting tunnel vision, feeling their heart race, looking down, and getting dry mouth are just a few. It’s worth thinking about the physical cues that show up for you when experiencing defensiveness and devising a strategy that can help pull you back into the present moment.

When I get defensive, I often get tunnel vision and start planning what I’m going to say instead of listening. But I have found some ways to disarm my defensiveness. My strategy is to subtly open my palms, even if my hands are just hanging by my side or on my lap, and actually say, “I’m sorry. Can you say that again? I really want to understand.” It’s pretty effective. If I’m having a really hard time, I might say, “I’m sorry. I’m feeling overwhelmed. I’m going to get a glass of water. Can we sit down in ten minutes and start again?”

FLOODING

This seems like the perfect place to talk about the concept of flooding. The body can become overwhelmed when it senses danger, and for a lot of us, a difficult conversation, hard feedback, or an argument is enough to send our body into overdrive. We can feel overwhelmed, attacked, and confused. According to the Gottman Institute, flooding is “a sensation of feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed during conflict, making it virtually impossible to have a productive, problem-solving discussion.”

In his book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last, John Gottman explains, “We each have a sort of built-in meter that measures how much negativity accumulates during such interactions. When the level gets too high for you, the needle starts going haywire and flooding begins. Just how readily people become flooded is individual.” He also shares that flooding is affected by how much stress you have going on in your life. The more pressure we’re under, the more likely we are to be easily flooded.

One of the worst patterns that I brought to my marriage from my family was “Get back in here and fight with me!” Growing up, we didn’t take breaks during fights. No one ever said, “This is no longer productive and we should take a time-out before someone gets their feelings hurt.” Our strategy was get louder and meaner until you win or someone else is crying. When I first married Steve, in the middle of a heated argument he would say, “Let’s stop and take a break.” I was like, “What are you talking about?”

At some point, I realized that stopping scared me. Fighting together seemed less painful than hurting alone. Looking back, I just didn’t know how to do it. I had never been taught or seen it modeled. Gottman’s work helped me understand the mechanics behind “Okay, can we circle back in twenty minutes?” or “Okay, how much time do you need?” Knowing that we’re coming back to finish the discussion, and when, reassures me in some way.

This research also helped me realize that it wasn’t just Steve who was getting overwhelmed. I get overwhelmed too. The difference is our strategies. He shuts down; I lash out. Disastrous.

Now when I feel flooded, I’m as likely to say “Time-out” as he is. This is a good thing because, according to Gottman, chronic flooding sets us up to dread communicating. Gottman discusses this effect in the context of marriages and partnerships, but I’ve seen the same thing in organizations. I’ve interviewed many research participants who experience chronic flooding with their bosses, so much so that every time they’re called into the office, they’re already on the path to overwhelm.

There’s only so much our bodies and nervous systems can stand before they flip the survival switch and stop communicating and start protecting or attacking. Looking back, I’ve never once regretted calling a time-out at home or work. Not once. I’ve never experienced a little time and space being a bad thing, but I have plenty of regrets the other way around.

Excerpted from Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown. Copyright © 2021 by Brené Brown.

Couples Counseling South Tampa: Couples Reveal What They Have Learned In Therapy

As a marriage and family therapist in Tampa, Florida, I have received feedback from several different clients. I combine some of the most powerful approaches utilizing Internal Family Systems, Compassionate Communication and Non-Violent Communication, The Gottman Method, Emotion Focused Therapy, Holistic Psychology, CBT, and DBT.

Here are the 10 best lessons couples learned from therapy.

1. Go to therapy sooner rather than later.

   It is best to go to a counselor before sh*t hits the fan. This way, you can start to develop conflict resolution and communication skills before resentment builds. Establishing a therapeutic relationship with a counselor early on can be beneficial when and if you find yourselves in a rut. Having an unbiased and supportive counselor can help you and your partner maintain a healthy relationship when and if you need support along your relationship journey.

2. You are on the same team.

   There is no winning and you don’t need to fight against each other. Therapy is a great tool and safe space to really work through things together. Meeting both of our needs, growing, and thriving together is the goal. We often ask ourselves, are you trying to listen to understand or are you trying to be right?

3. Play and have fun together.

   Unstructured quality time to just be living purely in the moment increases connection, creativity, and releases negativity. A couple that plays together stays together!

4. Unfinished business of childhood can show up in adulthood.

   Continuing to work on intrinsic positive change is a lifelong learning process. Insight and empathy can help partners understand conflict in a whole new light. When we create an awareness of patterns and habits we are able to create awareness regarding intentional choices in real time. If we are not aware, we keep reacting. Responding intentionally knowing what is happening is being awake to our inner experiences. Self-witnessing is a tremendous tool that can be used in so many facets of our lives. Practicing compassion for our partner's story, and becoming more empathetic to each other, we could actually help our partner heal from their painful childhood experiences.

5. It is not about changing the issue, it is about understanding.

   We have learned so much about communication and the ways to really listen to understand one another. Most people listen to try to change the other person’s perspective. When we get into trying to change the other person, defensiveness comes into the game. When defensiveness shows up, it creates disconnect. Communication either connects us and helps us get needs met or it disconnects us and sabotages our needs. We feel all sorts of negative feelings when our needs are not being met. However, we are in homeostasis when our needs are met and feel positive emotions. Our feelings are always signals to pay attention to which provide data about whether our needs are being met or not. When we know what we need, we are in a powerful position to get the needs met intentionally. When we do not know what we need, we will probably be in autopilot, reactionary-mode. Tune into your inner worlds so that you can understand yourself. When we understand, we can communicate honestly about what is happening internally.

6. Our thoughts are the root cause of anger.

   Anger masks more vulnerable feelings like hurt, disappointment, and sadness. It's helpful when both partners understand that the words or behavior hurts their partner, even when their partner tends to react with anger or stonewalling. Therapy can help couples connect — which includes learning how to get calmer and go slower rather than to lay out their arguments about who's "right".

7. Hear your partner out before letting emotions get in the way.

   Getting guidance from a therapist around how to listen to each other without being emotionally charged about the topic can help couples stay engaged in the conversation, to accept influence from one another, and compromise based on needs. This is huge! We can stay curious about what is actually happening in the moment. When our partners feel heard and understood, they are in a better position to hear us too. Listen to each other without reacting! This sounds so simple but bad habits can be hard to break and its beneficial to have a therapist as a sounding board to make neutral observations.

8. Conflict is normal, you will have different perspectives at times, and disagreements are inevitable in every relationship.

   There will be different stages throughout life and couples will never stop getting to know one another. The most important thing is that you listen, respect, and acknowledge each other's viewpoints. Many times, people listen to respond and not to understand — which is one of the biggest reasons why many relationships fail. Attending couples therapy, can help partners communicate feelings, emotions, and concerns more effectively. Counseling equips couples with valuable skills that will be instrumental throughout their lifetime and once they become parents.

9. Marriage therapy taught us how to communicate about our needs and desires without hurting the other person.

   When we are emotionally and intimately disconnected, it is challenging to help each other to feel heard and understood. The way we deal with conflict is directly correlated to intimacy. Change the way we fight, change the way we love. When we trust each other more and give each other the benefit of the doubt, we're less hurt when the other person isn't in the same place as us in the moment, We may still have issues and hurt feelings from time to time, but we're better equipped to handle those problems when they come up.

10. Psycho-education and therapy helped couples identify patterns.

    One partner was pretty direct and the other partner tended to be more thoughtful in the way he delivered information. One partner said the thing that stuck with her the most was that the therapist was able to reframe and articulate her partner's concerns in a way that he couldn't — which then helped her to understand him better. Therapy can help couples become aware of how reactions to difficult situations can be unhelpful. Attempting to respond in a way that is more productive for the relationship can feel very different. Psycho-education can be of tremendous value when co-morbidity plays a role in relationships. Trauma informed therapy can help partners empathize, respond to each others needs, and heal together. It is advantageous to the relationship when partners learn about mental health together.

To learn more about how therapy can help you, please text or call Dr. Mahaney directly 813-240-3237 or book an initial consultation: www.SouthTampaCounselor.com/BookAppointment

7 Rituals for Intentional Relationships

Most of us know that relationships take work, but our busy lives can make it difficult to stay connected. The demands of family life and career often leave couples with little time for themselves. The UCLA Family Resilience Project sought to find out what makes some relationships last while others fall apart, and the results are enlightening.

A romantic couple does not have to be dysfunctional to grow distant over time, as a result of the constant pressures, diversions, and dynamics of modern existence. Long working hours and the demands of parenting can push date night, sex, and romantic trips down the priority list.

Researchers at UCLA observed 30 dual-career couples with young children to understand the daily challenges for finding opportunities to build strong relationships and families. They discovered that these couples: 

1. Spend less than 10% of their time at home with each other and without their children around

2. Are career-focused with long working hours (partner one) and a have a double burden of work and childcare (partner two)

3. Prioritize children and household needs over the needs of their spouse or self

4. Become more like roommates, drifting apart emotionally and physically

5. Miss important opportunities to connect emotionally on a daily basis

We are clearly experiencing difficulties because of our high expectations in our professions and relationships, as well as little guidance on how to make love last. The deliberate couple has the potential to grow their emotional connection over time in order to bond over the years of their relationship.

LEARNING HOW TO STAY IN LOVE

When we are falling in love, we are more deliberate about going on dates, having intimate conversations to learn about each other, and making time for shared activities than married couples might be. It's simple to fall in love; it's much more difficult to maintain love, which necessitates intentionally producing moments of connection and intimacy. Perhaps a look at another realm of life will help us look for an analogous way of thriving.

The majority of successful business owners will tell you that money is not nearly as important as their time and effort. It turns out that how they choose to spend their time and energy contributes significantly to how much money they earn. In other words, the same is true for a person's love life. When we are at home, it's easy to allow autopilot bad habits to form.

I was on my phone recently while my partner was talking about something important. I was skimming all of the videos, articles, and quotations on my Instagram feed for ideas on how to be a better lover. It wasn't until my partner told me, "You aren't paying attention to me!" that I became aware of how mindlessly absorbed I was.

See the irony?

Couples must resist the temptation to go with the easy option of just allowing things to happen in their relationships. The tragic reality of love is that even if we do nothing to improve our romantic relationships, they will deteriorate over time regardless of whether or not we are doing anything harmful. Relationships need constant attention and upkeep.

According to the author of The Intentional Family, we need to focus on two connection killers to make our relationships better: how we spend our time and how we use technology.

1. Many couples are time-poor. Driving kids to soccer practice after a full day of work, only to come home and cook or do the laundry, leaves very little time for oneself and one’s significant other. A busy couple can first focus on improving the quality of their interactions by truly focusing on each other and the relationship during the time that is available.

2. Couples fail to intentionally disconnect with the outside world, missing the opportunity to truly connect with each other’s inner worlds. Our electronic devices are always sending us notifications that can interrupt and distract us from enjoying relationship time. The good news is that just making some minor changes in how devices are used can significantly improve the quality of a couple’s time together.

RITUALIZING DAILY CONNECTIONS

One of the most effective methods to intentionally enhance a connection is to make the everyday actions we already do, as well as create new customs that make each encounter with one another, even when we're crazy busy, more meaningful and connected. A romantic ritual is a recurring, planned, and, most importantly, intentionally meaningful to both partners.

START PRACTICING YOUR INTENTIONS TODAY

In Wired for Dating, Stan Tatkin, PsyD. states that “you can and should be your partner’s best antidepressant and anti-anxiety agent.” The following rituals of connection not only provide us with access to one another, but also relieve the stress we experience on a daily basis.

Sit down with your partner and choose two rituals from the list below that you'd want to try out. Talk about why these rituals will be meaningful to both of you before putting them into action. If any particular memories come to mind during this conversation, such as childhood memories, spend some time describing them in detail. Finally, work the specifics of when you will practice these.

EATING TOGETHER

At mealtime without kids, you may find yourself plopped down on the couch watching the latest Netflix series, or browsing social media while sitting at the dining table.

With kids, conflicting work, school, and extracurricular activity schedules make it tough to find the time to connect with your lover at mealtime, or to have the energy to cook healthy food.

When meals are eaten together in a space that facilitates conversation, couples often feel more connected and as a result, tend to have fewer petty fights.

Here are 4 tips for enhancing your mealtime:

1. Discuss who does what; such as who buys the food, who cooks the food, and who sets the table. One couple I worked with has one partner cook while the other partner sets the table before the kids join. Another couple takes turns cooking their favorite dishes.

2. Think about how you connect. During the cooking process, a few couples would play some light music, pour a glass of wine, and talk to each other before the kids joined for the meal. It’s helpful to consider the environment of where the couple or family eats as well. Does it have a TV playing? Are cell phones allowed? Intentionally think about potential distractions and interruptions and decide in advance which ones both partners are okay with.

3. Consider what the family as a whole might talk about at mealtime to further strengthen the bond. A billionaire’s father used to ask, “What have you failed at this week?” Other families discuss what they appreciate, or something they have accomplished. It’s also helpful to have clear rules around what shouldn’t be discussed, such as marital conflicts.

4. Is the start and end clear? What signals the start of the meal? Is it a specific start time or someone telling the family it’s time for dinner? When does the ritual end? Is this when everyone has finished eating? Does everyone help out with the dishes?

If you struggle to find time for a romantic or family dinner each night, think of opportunities during morning and weekend meals, such as a regular Sunday brunch. Maybe on certain nights you can go out to eat, creating a ritual such as Taco Tuesdays.

WAKING AND SLEEPING TOGETHER

Couples with mismatched sleeping styles, as in the case of an early bird paired with a night owl, can experience instability in the relationship. This can lead to more conflict, less time for shared activities, less sex, and less connecting conversation. 

Tatkin believes that it’s healthy for partners, even those with different sleep styles, to discover ways to begin and end their days together with rituals. Here are some ways to stay in sync:

The Morning:

• Get up early and share a cup of coffee, or return to bed for a 15-minute discussion before going back to sleep.

• Before beginning the day, snuggle for a few moments.

• Tell each other one thing you like about the other person.

• Have breakfast together

The Evening:

• Focus your attention on softening your gaze for a few minutes before falling asleep by looking into each other's eyes.

• Make some soothing tea and chat while relaxing in bed.

• Read to one another every day.

• Express your gratitude to your spouse.

LEAVING FOR THE DAY AND REUNITING AT NIGHT:

It all comes down to where the connection is, and how couples part and reunite.

When you or your partner leave for the day, do you embrace each other? Do you kiss? When you reunite, do you hug and tell your partner you missed them?

This study of 30 couples found that the men who returned home later in the day received no acknowledgment from their distracted family members. Being greeted in a loving way is a fantastic start to an evening at home. Here are some ideas:

Leaving:

• A six-second kiss. Dr. Gottman who has observed thousands of couples for 40 years calls this kiss a “kiss with potential.”

• A genuinely comprehensive embrace that embraces both individuals (not a one-arm hug)

• Asking your partner what are they most excited about today? Or what are they worried about today? Dr. Gottman calls this building a map of your partner’s daily life.

Reuniting:

• Tatkin suggests a “Welcome Home routine.” Greet your partner and give them a long hug and kiss.

• Hugging to relax: Dr. Schnarch, a renowned Couples Therapist, encourages partners to hold each other until they relax. This physical connection can help reduce stress and reconnect the couple. My partner and I often embrace for at least 30 seconds when the last partner gets home.

TALKING DAILY

Falling in love necessitates a lot of one-on-one conversation about the good and unpleasant aspects of each partner's day as well as what is significant to each individual.

According to Dr. Doughty, the author of The Intentional Family, “Few dating couples would get married if they had as little focused conversation as most married couples do.”

Dr. Gottman’s research highlights that after couple’s therapy, the couples who have a daily stress-reducing conversation are less likely to relapse than couples who don’t talk daily.

Intentionally talking with each other one-on-one, even for just 15 minutes, can be good enough for busy couples. Focus on discussing how your daily events made you feel, rather than just talking about the facts of the events that occurred.

One of the best ways to do this is to tie the talking ritual to enjoying a beverage together. Dr. Doughty has coffee with his wife every night after dinner at the dining table. My partner and I have apple cider vinegar and talk while we sit up in bed.

It is far easier to preserve a connection when two partners are able to speak with each other every day. Having a conversation on a daily basis deepens affection for one's partner, boosts emotional and sexual intimacy, and prevents squabbles over little things that often occur in couples who don't have much connection on a daily basis.

EXERCISING TOGETHER

Actively maintaining health together is a great way to stay connected.

• Start or end the day with a walk around the neighborhood

• Go to a gym class together

• Head to and leave the gym together

• Play on a sports team together

Remember, if couples do nothing to actively improve their relationship, even without doing anything that is destructive, the relationship will get worse over time. That’s why it is vital to intentionally cultivate daily rituals that help partners reconnect.

Relationships thrive when couples realize that the seemingly insignificant moments, such as a loving hug and kiss when one partner comes home, are often the most significant of all. By being intentional, couples can transform dull, mindless routines into a source of connection and fun.

1. Campos, B., Graesch, A. P., Repetti, R., Bradbury, T., & Ochs, E. (2009). Opportunity for interaction? A naturalistic observation study of dual-earner families after work and school. Journal of Family Psychology, 23(6), 798-807. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0015824

2. Larson, J.H., Crane, D. R., & Smith, C. W. (1991) Morning and night couples: The effect of wake and sleep patterns on marital adjustment. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 17(1), 53-65. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1752-0606.1991.tb00864.x

What Self-Care is Really About?

Self-care has become a buzz word. Images of spa days, face masks, and bubble baths prevail. These activities might be relaxing but self-care is more about paying attention to this key question, “what do I need?” Whether it’s your therapist or partner our human tendency is to assume that others magically know both what our needs are and how to meet them. This unrealistic expectation leads to resentment. It is our responsibility to first become mindful of our needs and then to communicate them to others. If you practice slowing down and asking the question “what do I need” you’ll find the answers inherent within yourself.  

This process is active and ongoing, but it could start with respecting your basic human needs. How did I sleep last night? Am I hungry? Thirsty? Do I need a hug? Have I laughed recently? When we ignore our bodies, we disconnect from ourselves as “holistic” beings. It causes a split between the mind and body, which can damage our mental health and relationships. 

Setting appropriate boundaries is another fundamental principle of self-care. Boundaries are essentially learning when to say no to a person or thing so that we can yes to something else. Here are some helpful questions: What areas am I feeling pushed, pulled, or drained? What people or things do I dread? What would I like instead? What can I do about it? 

Another principle is acceptance. There are days and circumstances where we can’t get all our needs met. There are partners who may not respect our boundaries. It’s Ok, this is a journey, and all you need to do is compassionately take steps forward each day. 

Some people think self-care is selfish “I have deadlines to meet, friends and family to check on, and that never-ending checklist.” “I don’t have time to pause.” Pausing is far from selfish. When using mindfulness to meet your needs, you will notice that you show up in all aspects of your life re-fueled, re-energized and far more productive and happier. Think about a hungry child, who is incapable of sitting still or doing their school work. You give them a snack and a hug or let them run around and they transform. Nourishment is not just nutritional, it applies to our need for connection, love, play, and more. Whether it’s depression or a conflict-ridden relationship, taking these basic steps will allow you to tackle those battles from a healthier place. We are all deserving of self-care!

By Shaundra McGuire, MHCI

Book an appointment with Shaundra Mcguire:

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ShaundraMcguireMFTI