Tips for Couples Bringing Baby Home for the First Time

Bringing a new baby home for the first time can be both exciting and overwhelming for new parents. With all the preparations and adjustments that need to be made, it's easy for couples to feel stressed out and exhausted. However, with some careful planning and preparation, couples can ensure a smooth transition and create a nurturing and loving environment for their newborn. Here are some tips to help couples when bringing their baby home for the first time.

1. Create a routine: Creating a routine is essential when bringing a new baby home. Establishing a consistent routine can help your baby feel more secure and help parents to manage their time effectively. Consider setting a regular feeding schedule, establishing a consistent bedtime routine, and creating a daily routine that includes time for play, rest, and quiet time.

2. Get organized: Preparing your home for a new baby is a crucial step in making sure that you are ready for their arrival. Make sure you have all the necessary supplies, such as diapers, wipes, bottles, and formula, if needed. Organize your baby's room, stock up on basic household items, and prepare meals in advance so that you have one less thing to worry about.

3. Take care of yourself: Taking care of yourself is just as important as taking care of your baby. Make sure to eat well, get enough sleep, and exercise regularly. Don't be afraid to ask for help from family and friends or consider hiring a postpartum doula to support you during this transition.

4. Communicate with your partner: Communication is key to ensuring a successful transition when bringing a new baby home. Discuss expectations and responsibilities with your partner, establish a plan for sharing childcare duties, and make time to connect and support each other during this time of change.

5. Don't be afraid to ask for help: It's okay to ask for help. Whether it's from a family member, friend, or a professional, seeking support can help ease the transition when bringing a new baby home. Don't be afraid to ask for help with household chores, cooking, or even just holding your baby while you take a shower.

6. Be patient: Remember, bringing a new baby home is a significant change, and it can take time for everyone to adjust. Be patient with yourself, your partner, and your baby. Trust that you will find your rhythm, and remember to enjoy the special moments along the way.

Bringing a new baby home is an exciting and challenging time for couples. By creating a routine, getting organized, taking care of yourself, communicating with your partner, asking for help, and being patient, you can ensure a smooth transition and create a nurturing and loving environment for your newborn. Remember, this is a time to cherish and enjoy, so take a deep breath, trust yourself, and embrace the journey ahead.

Author: Crystin Nichols
Book Appointment: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/CrystinNicholsMFTI

Everyone Benefits from Therapy

‌The decision to seek therapy can often feel like a big step, and it's not uncommon for people to put it off until they are in the midst of a major life crisis. However, therapy can be incredibly beneficial even when things are going relatively well in life. In this blog post, we'll explore some of the reasons why it's good to go to therapy even when nothing major is going on.

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1. Preventative Care

Just as we go to the doctor for annual check-ups and preventative care, therapy can serve as a form of mental and emotional preventative care. By addressing any underlying issues before they become major problems, you can prevent them from escalating into something more serious.

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1. Increased Self-Awareness

Therapy provides a space for you to reflect on your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. By exploring these aspects of yourself, you can gain a greater understanding of who you are and what makes you tick. This increased self-awareness can help you make more intentional choices in your life and improve your overall well-being.

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1. Improved Communication Skills

Therapy provides an opportunity to practice communication skills in a safe and supportive environment. This can help you become more adept at expressing yourself, setting boundaries, and resolving conflicts in your personal and professional relationships.

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1. Coping Skills

Life is full of ups and downs, and therapy can equip you with coping skills to navigate the inevitable challenges that come your way. By learning healthy coping mechanisms, you can manage stress, anxiety, and other difficult emotions more effectively.

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1. Personal Growth

Even when things are going well, there is always room for personal growth. Therapy can help you identify areas for improvement and provide guidance and support as you work towards your goals.

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So basically, there are many reasons why it's good to go to therapy even when nothing major is going on in your life. From preventative care to personal growth, therapy can provide a wealth of benefits that can improve your overall well-being and quality of life. So, if you've been considering therapy but have been hesitant to take the leap, consider giving it a try. You might be surprised at the positive impact it can have on your life.

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Author: Crystin Nichols
Book Appointment: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/CrystinNicholsMFTI

Attachment Theory

One theory that can be utilized to better understand human development is attachment theory. Attachment theory was created by John Bowlby and the additional work of Mary Ainsworth. The theory has four main ideas: 

1. The first is that children develop emotional attachments to their familiar caregivers between the ages of 6 and 30 months. 

2. The second idea is that children show their emotional attachments by demonstrating preferences for certain familiar people and tend to want to be near those people. Children desire to use these familiar people as secure bases to explore the environment. 

3. The third idea is that these early emotional attachments contribute to the foundation of emotional experiences and personality development in later life. Attachment theory emphasizes that the behaviors exhibited by a toddler towards their familiar adults will have some continuity to the social behaviors shown later in life in different important relationships. 

4. The fourth idea is that certain events, such as separation of the toddler from familiar people (because of death, incarceration, family removal, etc.) will have short-term or possible long-term, negative impacts on the child’s emotional and cognitive development. Inability for a caregiver to be warm, consistent, responsive, and supportive of the child’s needs, will also result in negative impacts on the child’s ability to form secure attachments throughout the life span. 

Attachment theory outlines four different attachment styles: secure attachment, anxious-ambivalent attachment, anxious-avoidant attachment, and disorganized attachment. 

• Secure attachment is believed to be the ideal style and is characterized by the child feeling secure in the presence of their caregiver and will be able to explore freely while the caregiver is there. A securely attached child is upset when the caregiver departs, but happy to see them when they return. 

• In contrast, an anxious-ambivalent attachment style is characterized by the child feeling upset when the caregiver leaves, but unable to feel reassured when the caregiver returns. The child may continue to cry and have difficulty feeling comforted by the return of their caregiver. 

• An anxious-avoidant style is demonstrated by the child showing little emotion when the caregiver departs or returns and will not explore much regardless of who is present. 

• Disorganized attachment is characterized by a lack of attachment behavior and the child will show overt displays of fear and contradictory behaviors. This is characterized by the child both reaching for comfort, and pulling away. 

John Bowlby emphasized in his work on Attachment Theory that there is an innate human need for connectedness, and this need exists throughout the lifetime, from cradle to grave. Due to the lasting need for connection even into adulthood, learning about your attachment style can be a crucial step in better understanding how you show up in relationships and relate to others. If you are interested in learning more and discovering your own attachment style, book an Adult Attachment Interview today! 

An Integrative Approach to Working With Infidelity

The prevalence of infidelity within relationships is difficult to define due to the multiple different definitions of infidelity. Based on the research, anywhere from 15-70% of couples experience infidelity within their relationship; however, what they consider to be infidelity differs (Hertlein et al., 2005).

Infidelity can have a traumatic impact on individuals and relationships, and therefore requires a comprehensive approach to address the complex emotional and relational issues that arise. 

3-Stage Intervention Model: 

1. During the initial crisis phase, the therapist focuses on stabilizing the couple's emotional state and ensuring their safety. This may involve individual therapy sessions to help the betrayed partner process their emotions, as well as couples therapy sessions to address the immediate impact of the infidelity on the relationship.

2. The middle phase of the intervention entails exploring the underlying issues that contributed to the infidelity. A key component of this phase of treatment involves rebuilding trust in the relationship. This stage may involve identifying and addressing unmet needs within the relationship, developing new communication skills, and exploring patterns of behaviors that may have contributed to the infidelity.

3. The final recovery phase focuses on sustaining the progress made in the earlier stages and promoting continued growth and healing in the relationship. This may involve ongoing individual and couples therapy, as well as developing a plan for preventing future infidelity.

Infidelity is difficult to talk about. However, the research points towards the prevalence of infidelity in relationships and a need for a safe space for individuals and couples to open up about their experiences. An integrative approach to working with infidelity offers couples hope for working through any type of infidelity that may come up in a relationship. If you are interested in learning more about working with infidelity in couples therapy, or if you are in need of support, book an appointment today!

Book with: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/JamieRuddenMFTI

References: 

Hertlein, Wetchler, & Piercy (2005). Infidelity, Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 4:2-3, 5-16, DOI: 10.1300/J398v04n02_02

How to overcome social media addiction and do a digital detox

Internet, phone, and social media addiction is a growing concern in today's digital age, with many people finding it hard to disconnect from their devices and online networks. As we explore the psychological reasons behind this phenomenon, it becomes clear that the internet and social media meet certain human needs that are crucial to our well-being. But at what cost?

Last month Supervised Therapist Kaitlin Lowey was featured on WFLA’s Bloom. She provided tips on how to overcome social media addiction and do a digital detox. You can watch the full segment here. Below is a summary of the clip.

Doom scrolling on social media can have a negative impact on your health.

Mental Health Counseling Professional, Kaitlin Lowey, from South Tampa Therapy joined Gayle Guyardo, the host of the global health and wellness show, Bloom, to share more about why a digital detox is beneficial for your health.

Using social media and the internet feels good because it meets certain psychological needs in an instant

One of the main psychological needs met is the need for social connection and belonging. People can stay in touch with friends and family, connect with like-minded individuals, and find support and validation. 

Another important one is the need for information and knowledge – and deeper than that, a need for a feeling of control and certainty. The internet provides access to a vast amount of information on any topic, and this accumulation of knowledge can provide a sense of comfort when aspects of our lives feel out of our control. 

While the internet and social media can be beneficial in many ways, excessive use or addiction can have negative effects on mental health

Studies have shown that excessive internet and social media use can lead to feelings of anxiety, depression, loneliness, and low self-esteem. The constant stimulation and distraction of the internet and social media can also interfere with sleep, productivity, and overall quality of life.

There are remarkable benefits of taking a break from, or limiting, social media use

Taking a break from social media use is linked to  reduced stress and anxiety, improved self-esteem, and increased productivity. In a 2018 study found that limiting social media use to 30 minutes per day led to significant reductions in depression and loneliness. By disconnecting from the constant barrage of information and stimulation, we can focus on more meaningful activities and relationships, leading to a greater sense of fulfillment and well-being.

To successfully take a break from problematic internet or social media use, the key is to make a plan 

Before starting, track your triggers. What is happening in those moments before you reach for your phone, and how are you feeling? Are you feeling bored? Anxious? Lonely? These feelings are connected to deeper psychological needs, such as the need for connection, certainty, and purpose.

Then, identify coping skills and alternative activities that meet your psychological needs in healthier ways. For example, you can connect with friends and family in person, engage in physical exercise, pursue creative hobbies, or volunteer in your community. Mindfulness-based interventions, such as meditation and mindful breathing, have been effective in reducing social media addiction. It can be helpful and insight-building to journal your thoughts and feelings. You might be surprised by what you learn about yourself. 

Finally, let technology help you! Apps that encourage users to engage in alternative activities, such as exercise and mindfulness, have been shown to be effective in reducing social media addiction. Don’t beat yourself up if you slip. Addictions are hard to beat! Rather, gently notice what happened, ask yourself what you are needing in that moment, and consider other ways you can meet that need using your coping skills.

How to navigate the transition from the 20s to the 30s

This month Supervised Therapist Kaitlin Lowey was featured on WFLA’s Bloom. She provided tips on how to navigate the life stage transition many people undergo during their 30s. You can watch the full segment here. Below is a summary of the clip.

20’s are a time of self-discovery and paving your life path, but as many reach their 30’s, that transitions into getting married, having kids, and leaving a legacy.

Mental Health Counseling Professional, Kaitlin Lowey, from South Tampa Therapy joined Gayle Guyardo, the host of the global health and wellness show, Bloom, to share more about transitioning into your 30’s.

Typically at some point in their 30s, individuals move into the middle adulthood stage of their lives. Between ages 18 and up to age 40 in some cases, people work through what famous psychologist Erik Erikson called the intimacy versus isolation stage, which is about finding and forming fulfilling romantic relationships and friendships. This stage can be completed at different times for different people, but the main task associated with intimacy versus isolation is forming close, enduring relationships. 

Erikson called the stage after this generativity versus stagnation, and it’s all about developing a sense of purpose, caring for others, and contributing to the world. In this stage, individuals – having developed strong relationships with others – may focus on their work, raising families, or contributing to their community. While Erikson generally felt this stage should start by age 40, many people begin to shift their focus on these contribution-focused tasks earlier, often in their 30s. 

So, how does one successfully complete the task of learning how to care and contribute to the world in a way that brings them meaning during this phase of life?

1. Developing a sense of purpose: In Erikson's stage of generativity versus stagnation, individuals must find meaning and purpose in their lives beyond their own personal needs and desires. To successfully navigate this transition from intimacy versus isolation, individuals must begin to explore and cultivate their own sense of purpose. This could involve pursuing career goals, volunteering for a cause they care about, or developing a hobby or passion that provides a sense of fulfillment and purpose.

2. Building and maintaining relationships: Intimacy versus isolation is all about developing close relationships with others, and this remains important in generativity versus stagnation. However, the focus shifts from romantic partnerships and friendships to broader social connections, such as their community. To navigate this transition successfully, individuals must continue to invest in their relationships and develop new ones, while also learning to balance their own needs with the needs of others.

3. Leaving a legacy: In Erikson's stage of generativity versus stagnation, individuals must begin to think about the mark they will leave on the world. This could involve having children and raising them well, contributing to their community in meaningful ways, or leaving behind a creative or intellectual legacy. Individuals must begin to think about their impact on the world and take actions that align with their values and goals. This may involve taking risks, trying new things, and stepping outside of their comfort zone in order to make a meaningful contribution to the world around them.

Counseling top tip: Identify your values

One powerful exercise you can do to ensure you are spending their time on meaningful, generative, and purposeful activities during this stage is to identify your values. In order to complete the exercise, find a list of values (there are several values lists online as well as values card decks for purchase). Sort the values into 3 piles: very important to me, kind of important to me, and not important to me. Then, select your top 5 values from the very important to me pile. Map your activities onto these values to determine how closely what you are spending your time on aligns with these values. This enables you to make a better-informed decision about living with intention during the middle adulthood years. Just think: 30 years from now, you’ll be able to look back on this time of your life and know you made the most of it!

What is Emotionally Focused Therapy?

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a type of therapy that focuses on helping couples understand and manage their emotions in order to improve their relationship. EFT has been found to be particularly effective in helping couples who are struggling with issues such as communication, intimacy, and trust. In this blog post, we will explore how EFT works and the impact it can have on a relationship.

How EFT Works
EFT is based on the idea that emotions are the foundation of all human relationships. According to EFT, negative emotions such as fear, anger, and sadness can lead to conflict and disconnection in a relationship. The goal of EFT is to help couples identify and manage these negative emotions in order to create a more secure and loving relationship.
In EFT, couples work with a therapist to identify the patterns of behavior that are causing conflict in their relationship. The therapist then helps the couple to explore the emotions that are driving these patterns of behavior. This often involves identifying the primary emotions that are underlying more negative emotions such as anger or frustration.
Once the couple has identified the underlying emotions, the therapist works with them to develop new patterns of behavior that are more in line with their emotional needs. This can involve learning new communication skills, expressing emotions in a healthier way, and developing a deeper understanding of each other's emotional needs.

The Impact of EFT on Relationships
Research has shown that EFT can be highly effective in helping couples improve their relationship. Studies have found that EFT can lead to significant improvements in communication, intimacy, and overall relationship satisfaction.
One study published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy found that couples who participated in EFT had significantly higher levels of relationship satisfaction and lower levels of depression and anxiety compared to couples who received traditional couples therapy. Another study published in the Journal of Counseling Psychology found that EFT was effective in improving communication and reducing relationship distress among couples.
EFT can also have long-lasting benefits for couples. A study published in the Journal of Family Therapy found that couples who participated in EFT had lower rates of divorce and higher levels of relationship satisfaction two years after completing therapy compared to couples who received other forms of therapy.
Overall, EFT is a powerful tool for couples who are looking to improve their relationship. By helping couples understand and manage their emotions, EFT can help couples develop a deeper and more secure connection with each other. If you and your partner are struggling with relationship issues, EFT may be a valuable resource to help you find a path towards healing and greater connection.

Author: Crystin Nichols, MFTI

Attunement Helps Love and Intimacy Last

A Key Ingredient to Lasting Love and Intimacy

When two people come together in a romantic relationship, there are countless factors that contribute to their success or failure. However, one of the most important elements of a healthy, happy partnership is attunement. Attunement is the ability to be fully present with your partner, to understand and respond to their emotional needs, and to create a deep sense of intimacy and connection.

In this blog post, we'll explore what attunement means, why it's so critical to a couple's relationship, and how you can cultivate it in your own partnership.

What is Attunement?

At its core, attunement is the ability to tune in to your partner's emotions and needs, and respond in a way that demonstrates understanding, empathy, and support. It involves being fully present in the moment, listening actively, and paying close attention to nonverbal cues like body language and tone of voice.

Attunement requires a high degree of emotional intelligence and self-awareness, as well as a willingness to prioritize your partner's needs and feelings over your own. When two partners are attuned to each other, they are able to create a deep sense of connection and intimacy that can weather the challenges of life and strengthen their bond over time.

Why is Attunement Important in a Couple's Relationship?

Attunement is critical to a couple's relationship for a number of reasons. First and foremost, it allows partners to feel seen, heard, and understood by each other. This is essential for building trust, emotional safety, and a sense of security in the relationship.
When partners are attuned to each other, they are better able to navigate the inevitable conflicts and challenges that arise in any long-term partnership. They are able to communicate effectively, manage their emotions in a healthy way, and work together as a team to overcome obstacles.

Attunement also plays a key role in creating a satisfying and fulfilling sexual connection. When partners are attuned to each other's needs and desires, they are better able to communicate about sex and explore each other's bodies in a way that feels safe, respectful, and pleasurable.

How Can You Cultivate Attunement in Your Relationship?

While attunement is a natural and intuitive part of some relationships, it can also be cultivated and strengthened over time. Here are some tips for building attunement in your own partnership:

1. Practice active listening. When your partner is speaking, give them your full attention. Put down your phone, make eye contact, and ask questions to show that you're engaged and interested.

2. Pay attention to nonverbal cues. Sometimes, what your partner isn't saying is just as important as what they are saying. Pay attention to body language, tone of voice, and other nonverbal cues to get a better sense of how they're feeling.

3. Practice empathy. Try to put yourself in your partner's shoes and imagine how they might be feeling. Validate their emotions and offer words of support and encouragement.

4. Make time for quality time. Attunement requires presence and connection, so make sure to set aside dedicated time to spend with your partner without distractions or interruptions.

5. Practice self-awareness. In order to attune to your partner, you need to be aware of your own emotions and needs. Take time to check in with yourself and understand how you're feeling before trying to connect with your partner.

Attunement is a key ingredient in any successful and fulfilling relationship. By prioritizing your partner's emotions and needs, practicing active listening, and cultivating empathy and self-awareness, you can build a deep sense of intimacy and connection that will sustain your partnership for years to come.

Author: Crystin Nichols
Book Appointment: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/CrystinNicholsMFTI

Can Gottman Couples Therapy Help Your Relationship Improve?

If you are facing relationship struggles, Gottman Couples Therapy can provide you and your partner with the support you need to work through your problems. This approach to couple’s therapy is based on over 40 years of research conducted by Dr. John Gottman and his wife Dr. Julie Gottman.

The main goal of Gottman Couples Therapy is to help couples strengthen their relationships by improving communication, enhancing love, and building trust. The therapy process focuses on evidence-based interventions that have been shown to be effective in strengthening relationships.

One of the key elements of this therapy is the concept of “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” which refers to four negative communication patterns: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These patterns can be some of the most significant predictors of relationship breakdown. During the therapy sessions, the couples learn to recognize and avoid these patterns, which helps them to communicate more effectively.

Another essential component of Gottman Couples Therapy is the “Love Maps” exercise. This exercise involves creating a detailed understanding of each other’s inner worlds, including dreams, hopes, and fears. By building these Love Maps, couples can stay connected and understand each other better.

In addition, Gottman Couples Therapy helps couples to develop conflict management skills. During the therapy sessions, couples learn how to navigate argument and disagreements by expressing their own needs while also listening to their partner's feelings and concerns.

Gottman Couples Therapy also emphasizes the importance of reinforcing positive behavior. Couples are encouraged to express appreciation, admiration, and affection towards one another regularly. This allows the couple to build and maintain a strong foundation of love and positivity.

Overall, Gottman Couples Therapy is an evidence-based approach to counseling that can help couples work through various relationship challenges. By focusing on improved communication, increased trust, and building stronger emotional connections, couples can learn ways to enhance their relationship and increase their overall happiness.

How to move through anxiety and say yes to new opportunities

Last month Supervised Therapist Kaitlin Lowey was featured on WFLA’s Bloom. She provided tips on how to say yes to new opportunities that may seem scary due to being unfamiliar. You can watch the full segment here. Below is a summary of the clip.

https://www.wfla.com/video/saying-yes/8412957/

Saying yes to new opportunities can feel uncomfortable. This makes sense because our bodies and brains are physiologically wired to protect us from possible dangers.  So, when we encounter a situation that is unfamiliar, such as a possible date or a job interview, we have a physiological response. We become hyper-aware of things that could go wrong and may start entering fight, flight, or freeze mode. Recognizing that this is the body’s natural response is helpful in itself because it reduces shame and normalizes the experience. We come to understand that this uncomfortable bodily response stems from our need for safety. 

The key is to actually lean into that discomfort when new opportunities to say yes arise. Invite that discomfort in, and get curious about what’s coming up for you without judgment. Tuning in with what’s happening internally in real time – identifying the physiological reactions, thoughts, and feelings you’re having –  ultimately enables you to consciously respond instead of react. Here are a few ideas on how to move through the discomfort to get to yes:

• Name and accept your emotions. It sounds counter-intuitive, but accepting and naming the emotions you’re having can actually reduce their intensity. It gives you a sense of control that was lacking before. It’s important to view emotions as experiences versus defining who you are. There is a difference between thinking, “I am anxious,” and, “I am experiencing feelings of anxiety.” 

• Identify your thoughts and challenge them. Ask yourself, what fears do I have about this opportunity? What evidence is there for these fears? Is there something I can do to address my fears, like getting more information or putting a safeguard in place?  What’s the worst that could happen, and would I be ok if it did? Often the fear of something is worse than the reality. And, if it really does present too great of a risk, then don’t hesitate to say no. 

• Recognize the needs this opportunity fills and any competing needs. As you identify your thoughts and feelings, you can start to recognize the needs the opportunity will fill, such as autonomy, exploration, or connection. Often, the human need for safety can be at odds with the need the new opportunity presents. The key is to give space to both competing needs and identify ways you can feel safe enough to move forward. 

• Physiologically calm your body. Grounding and mindfulness tools, like box breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, movement, and yoga postures can help you get out of your head and into the present moment. You can come back to these coping skills whenever you need them. 

• Reframe your anxiety as excitement. The body actually has difficulty differentiating between these two emotions, and it’s amazing what this shift in perspective can do.

• Imagine the best-case scenario. Actively direct your focus to the thoughts and feelings you’ll have if everything works out the way you hope. It’s easy to think, “What if it doesn’t work out,” but don’t forget to ask yourself, “What if it does?” Remind yourself of past times when you felt the fear and took the risk anyway, and cultivate that feeling of pride. 

Remember, growth doesn’t happen in comfortable spaces – and a certain level of stress when taking a risk can actually be useful in keeping you moving forward. Saying yes to new things can be hard – but we can do hard things. Even if it doesn’t work out, it’s not a failure. We learn from our experiences, and it’s really just information that we can use moving ahead in our journey. Having the courage to try is a form of success in itself. 

To Book with Kaitlin Lowey: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/KaitlinLowey

How to cultivate a positive mindset for active aging

Last month Supervised Therapist Kaitlin Lowey was featured on WFLA TV’s Bloom. She dispelled stereotypes about aging and provided tips on how to foster a positive mindset and stay active as we age. You can view the full segment here. Below is a summary of the clip. 

https://www.wfla.com/video/mindset-active-aging/8430170/

Exercising our minds and bodies, staying socially connected, and living with purpose are all connected to longer, more fulfilling lives as we age and reach retirement age. But given the stereotypes about aging that pervade Western cultures, it can be difficult to overcome doubts about staying active, healthy, and engaged as we get older. 

So, how do we cultivate a positive mindset for active aging? 

• Reject the stereotypes about aging

• There are a lot of misconceptions about aging in America – false ideas like as people age, they are doomed to poor health, cognitive decline, and general decline in life satisfaction. These are myths. (And as part of a generation with parents entering this phase of life, I’m passionate about dispelling these myths.) 

• The truth is that subjective well-being increases with age, and we see a jump in subjective well-being around age 50, and this persists until the very oldest stage of life. 

• Why? One explanation is that as we age we become more emotionally stable. We’re better able to handle stress and weather storms with hard-earned wisdom. 

• Another reason may be that, contrary to the myth that older adults become more set in their ways, older adults actually report more openness to the future. 

• In addition, older adults report more satisfaction in their social relationships. 

• And finally, as we age we care less and less about what people think! There is freedom in this. 

• All of this is important to remember because a 2022 study from Harvard revealed that people with more positive attitudes about getting older tend to live longer and healthier lives than those with negative perceptions. 

• Be intentional about connecting to purpose and people 

• Having a purpose gives our lives meaning. We spend so much time planning for retirement, that it’s easy to forget to plan the retirement itself! Consider the legacy you want to leave behind in this new chapter. Is the purpose of this chapter to teach others, spend more time connecting with loved ones, building a new skill you’ve always wanted to try? There are so many exciting possibilities for projects that align with your values. 

• Post-retirement years are also a great time to join a club and get involved in a community organization. 

• Make a plan for exercise 

• Research shows that exercising regularly has immense physical, emotional, and cognitive benefits – especially in our older years. But we’re not always motivated to do it. The key is to make a plan for when you’ll exercise and also make a plan for how you’ll respond if you don’t feel like it.

• For instance, you could tell yourself you’ll just try exercising for a few minutes and see how it goes. Chances are, you’ll find the motivation to do more. You can also take a moment to envision all the benefits you will get from exercising to create the kinds of positive feelings that then lead to motivation. 

• Another great way to stay motivated is by recruiting your friends and family members to exercise with you or help keep each other accountable.  

• Finally, fit activity into your lifestyle. Take the stairs. Park in the back of the parking lot. Take the dog for a long walk. These small moments of activity add up. 

• Cultivate gratitude, openness, and curiosity

• Research shows that the number one factor happy people have in common is gratitude. Actively noticing and being thankful for the small things in life can give you the boost you need to maintain a positive mindset.

• Make use of that openness you’re experiencing. Lean into it. Get curious about what’s out there waiting for you in your retirement years. Who knows if you’re the next budding photographer, master’s high jumper, or champion pickleball player.

To Book with Kaitlin Lowey: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/KaitlinLowey

Recommended Resources (I will continually add more information as I discover amazing & insightful tools)

Marriage and Family Information

Member of International Association of Marriage and Family Counselors (IAMFC): https://www.iamfc.org/leadership.html

A Language of Life (BEST LIFE CHANGING BOOK!)

Being Genuine Stop Being Nice, Start Being Real

Nonviolent Communication™ Skills in Intimate Relationships

Internal Family Systems Videos: https://ifs-institute.com/resources/videos

Internal Family Systems Podcasts: https://ifs-institute.com/resources/podcasts-and-teleconferences

Aging and Dignity

Age Wave (I loved reading Radical Curiosity!)

Dementia Together How to Communicate to Connect

Member of: Dementia Care International

Gentle Power

Anger Resources

What’s Making You Angry? 10 Steps to Transforming Anger So Everyone Wins.

The Surprising Purpose of Anger

Compassionate Communication for Kids & Teens

Non-Violent Communication for Kids

Compassionate Communication and Conflict Resolution Information

Member of : (NVC) The Center for Non-Violent Communication

Non-Violent Communication Instruction Guide

Free Resources to Learn the Powerful Skills of Nonviolent Communication (NVC)

Compassionate Education

Compassionate Educator

Co-Parenting

The Battle of Parenting Styles: How to Keep Your Compassion When You and Your Ex Have Very Different Parenting Styles

Co-Parenting: A Commitment of Love

Mental Health Information

Member of American Counselors Association (ACA): https://www.counseling.org/

National Alliance on Mental Illness

Parenting

Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids

Free Compassionate Parenting Weekly NVC Tips Series

Compassionate Connection: Nonviolent Communication with Children

Getting Past the Parenting "Shoulds” Compassionate Parenting Starts With Self-Acceptance

Giraffe Talk for Parents Simple Ideas to Transform Coercive Communication Into Compassionate Connection

The Heart of Parenting

Make Your Home a No-Fault Zone

Parenting without Obedience; A Preliminary Guide to Intergenerational Collaboration

Transforming Children’s Anger: How Empathic Connection Can Reduce Sibling Rivalry and Family Conflicts

What You Live is What They Learn

Who Are You and What Have You Done With My Child? 5 Steps to Reclaim Communication and Trust During the Pre-Teen and Teen Years

Bedtime Wars – Parenting Advice by Marshall Rosenberg

Workplace Communication Tips

Workplace NVC

Poly/Alternative Family Support

Loving More

More Than Two​

Polyamory Society

SEX AND SEXUALITY INFORMATION

Advocates for Youth

Member of: (ASHA) American Sexual Health Association

Social Change

Connecting Across Differences Finding Common Ground with Anyone, Anywhere, Anytime

The Heart of Social Change How to Make a Difference in Your World.

Trauma

Adrenal Fatigue Solution
Several articles on healing from adrenal fatigue.

Addiction Unplugged: How to be Free
In his life work, and now in this succinct and elegant book, John Flaherty brings us home to who we really are, the pure self underneath our beliefs, emotions, behaviours and addictions. In that authentic and powerful place we find liberation.

Alberta Family Wellness
Comprehensive, science-based and humane resource on child development and the causes and treatment of human dysfunction; sponsored by the Norlien Foundation, a pioneering Calgary-based philanthropy that supports the research and practice of childhood and adult wellness. Watch this new video on How Brains are Built.

The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study
Dr. Maté cites this seminal study extensively in In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts. It demonstrates conclusively the link between acute stresses in childhood and later health problems, including addiction.

A.H. Almaas
A contemporary spiritual teacher whose “Diamond Approach” is a holistic method of realizing wholeness through direct encounter with one’s inner Essence, or true self. Almaas brilliantly combines Eastern spiritual wisdom and Western depth psychology. Dr. Maté considers him one of his most important mentors.

Attachment & Trauma Network
A network that provides advocacy, support and education and about the most important dynamic in child development: the attachment relationship with adults. An especially important resource for people working with kids who have experienced trauma.

The Canadian Institute of Stress
Founded in 1979 by the pioneering stress researcher Dr. Hans Selye, the CIS runs educational programs about stress for institutions and companies, and offers stress assessment and counseling for individuals.

The Continuum Concept
A powerful attachment-based parenting approach.

TJ Dawe — Writer/Performer/Director
TJ is a prolific and brilliant monologist, a true luminary of the Fringe Festival circuit who has won multiple awards for his virtuoso one-man shows. In 2010 he toured with his delightful show Lucky 9, about three disparate cultural works that altered his life: the Enneagram personality model, HBO’s The Wire, and… (wait for it) …the books of Gabor Maté, M.D. . I had the pleasure of appearing recently on his Totem Figures podcast, a conversation you can listen to here.

Democracy Now!
A progressive news and public affairs program broadcast Monday to Friday online and on the Pacifica Radio Network. Unlike so much of the corporate-owned mainstream media, Amy Goodman and her team examine the news from the perspective of those most adversely affected — and stressed — by global events and domestic policy, including the poor, disadvantaged and marginalized, and those living in war-torn areas.

eMentalHeath.ca
A Canada-wide compendium of helpful services listed by Ottawa-based child psychiatrist Dr. Michael Chang.

Enlightenment Intensives with Murray Kennedy
Dr. Maté highly recommends these guided contemplation retreats, offered at regular intervals near Vancouver, BC.

Essential Inquiry
Enlightenment Intensives offered on Vancouver Island and other locations.

Hand In Hand Parenting
Useful, practical, heart-based, attachment-friendly information on parenting.

The Healing Journey Program
Based out of the Ontario Cancer Institute at Princess Margaret Hospital in Toronto, Ontario, a program developed by Dr. Alastair J. Cunningham, a world-renowned research in psycho-oncology and himself a cancer survivor. Dr. Cunningham’s holistic approach incorporates the psychological and spiritual dimensions of disease and healing, rooted in an understanding of mind-body unity such as I advocate in all my books, particularly When the Body Says No. The website includes links to audio, video, and workbook versions of The Healing Journey program.

The Haven
Located on beautiful Gabriola Island, BC, this centre offers a wide array of residential programs for personal and professional development.

Hollyhock
An idyllic retreat and seminar centre located on Cortes Island, BC, with a diverse and excellent offering of programs promoting healing, wellness, and self-discovery.

KidCare Canada Society

The Landmark Forum
A powerful and effective weekend course in personal growth and transformation, available internationally. Dr. Maté can attest to the program’s efficacy in empowering people to dissolve old patterns, hidden beliefs and ways of being, and in creating richer and more fulfilling lives and relationships, is unparalleled.

Dr. Bruce Lipton
Insightful and illuminating research on “The Biology of Belief”.

Daniel Maté
An award-winning composer and lyricist for musical theatre based in New York City, and Dr. Maté’s eldest son. Daniel helped edit In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts and lent his voice talents to the audiobook version.

Rae Maté — Artist
Rae’s artwork was featured on the covers of the Canadian versions of my first two books. Even if she weren’t Dr. Maté’s wife and life partner of 40+ years, he’d still be a huge fan of her wonderful, whimsical, soulful paintings and illustrations.

Online Colleges – Mental Health resources for students

Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D. / The Neufeld Institute
Dr. Maté’s co-author on Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers. As a thinker, lecturer and clinician who has devoted his life to helping parents and professionals “make sense of kids”, Gordon is, quite simply, peerless. His work eschews trendy and simplistic parenting “techniques”, emphasizing instead the centrality of attachment relationships and awakening parents’ natural instincts.

Playful Parenting

Practical Recovery

Recovery Nation
A very helpful website promoting a health-based program for recovery from sexual and other behavioral addictions.

SMART Recovery: Self Help for Alcoholism and Addiction

Dr. Dan Siegel
A pioneering UCLA psychiatrist who emphasizes the importance of attachment relationships for brain development. Recently he has also explored the transformative and healing power of mindfulness. Dr. Maté highly recommend his books, which include The Developing Mind and The Mindful Brain, as well as his CD lectures, such as The Neurobiology of We, on interpersonal neurobiology.

Eckhart Tolle
A contemporary spiritual teacher whose work on presence and “the power of Now” Dr. Maté has come to value highly.

Touch the Future
An excellent parenting resource website which understands that “continuing child development depends on adult development.” In particular, Dr. Maté recommends the “Play” and “Bonding and the Brain” sections.

Tribal Theory
Tribal Theory helps professionals, working on an ongoing basis with victims of trauma, to understand the impact of emotional trauma in order to provide a foundation for post-traumatic growth of individuals and community.

What Disturbs Our Blood: A Son’s Quest to Redeem the Past
This memoir by Toronto writer James FitzGerald is a powerfully written, emotionally authentic and intellectually satisfying account of multi-generational mental illness in a prominent Canadian medical family. It is not an easy read, but a gripping one due to the writerly skill and unflinching honesty of the author, and his commitment to uncovering dark family secrets hidden behind blue blood respectability and high professional achievement.

More Resources

Books:

• The Person of the Therapist Training Model: Mastering the Use of Self, Edited by Harry J. Aponte and Karni Kissil (Routledge)

• No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz

• A Fierce Heart: Finding Strength, Courage, and Wisdom in Any Moment by Spring Washam

• Decolonizing Trauma Work: Indigenous Stories and Strategies by Renee Linklater

• Finding Latinx: In Search of Voices Redefining Latino Identity by Paola Ramos

• Emergent Strategy: Shaping Change, Changing Worlds by Adrienne Maree Brown

• Deep Denial: The Persistence of White Supremacy in United States History and Life by David Billings

• Promoting Cultural Sensitivity In Supervision: A Manual for Practitioners edited Kenneth V. Hardy and Toby Bobes

• Transcending Trauma: Healing Complex PTSD with Internal Family Systems by Frank Anderson

• The Queer and Transgender Resilience Workbook: Skills for Navigating Sexual Orientation & Gender Expression by Anneliese Singh

• The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel Van Der Kolk

• Inherited Silence: Listening to the Land, Healing the Colonizer Mind by Louise Dunlap

• We Will Not Cancel Us and Other Dreams of Transformative Justice by Adrienne Maree Brown

• Transforming Sexual Narratives: A Relational Approach to Sex Therapy by Suzanne Iasenza

• Sustaining Spirit: Self-Care for Social Justice by Naomi Ortiz

• Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern

• Finding Me by Viola Davis

• Gathering Blossoms Under Fire by Alice Walker

• Minor Feelings by Cathy Park Hong

• Adoption Healing by Joe Soll

• Heavy by Kiese Laymon

• Conscious Business by Fred Kofman

• The Making of Asian America by Erika Lee

• Caste by Isabel Wilkerson

• Why Didn't You Tell Me by Carmen Rita Wong

• When The Body Says No by Gabor Maté

• If I Survive You by Jonathan Escoffery

How to get unhooked from difficult thoughts and emotions with ACT

By: Kaitlin Lowey, MHCI

You’ve likely heard the phrase uttered by Benjamin Franklin, “...in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.” As a mental health professional (and fellow human being), I would add one other inevitability: experiencing uncomfortable thoughts and emotions. 

“I’m not good enough.” “It’s breaking my heart.” “I totally freeze.” “Something feels off in my gut.” “What is wrong with me?” “I feel depressed.” “I’m so scared.” “What if I get it wrong?” “Do they actually like me?” “Why did I say that?” “What if I fail?” “What if I end up alone?”

Our difficult thoughts and emotions are 100% normal.

Many psychologists and counselors, especially those practicing Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), would argue that experiencing such thoughts and emotions is just part of being a human. In fact, emotions like anxiety serve a purpose – they protect us from threats (like a charging lion or a dimly-lit alley). Uncomfortable emotions only become a problem when they show up in non-adaptive ways and stick around long past when they’ve served their purpose – in other words, when the degree of emotion we feel outsizes the actual threat. Our emotional responses are both innate (such as fear of snakes) and learned (such as fear of touching a hot stove). Some emotional wounds experienced in childhood, particularly those related to relationships, can continue to impact our emotional responses well into adulthood. 

So, what do our minds do when we experience these emotions? They view the emotion as a problem to be solved – to be gotten rid of. Again, the mind’s problem-solving nature is normal. It’s how humans have survived and adapted for thousands of years. For instance, humans built homes to shelter us from animals and the elements. We created the wheel to transport objects more easily. We even invented the remote control to save us from the inconvenience of having to move to turn up the volume on the TV. Our brains are hard-wired to problem-solve, and that’s usually a great thing! However, it’s not so great when our brains’ well-intentioned but ill-fated attempts to get rid of uncomfortable feelings only makes those feelings stronger. 

So, what happens when our emotional response and our problem-solving are both operating on overdrive? Russ Harris, the author of ACT made simple: An easy-to-read primer on acceptance and commitment therapy, describes the effect as getting hooked. Getting hooked means our brains automatically label the thoughts as a threat, something we have to act on, or something requiring all of our attention (what ACT theorists call cognitive fusion). We may do everything in our power to get rid of them (what ACT theorists call experiential avoidance). In addition, we might start to fuse these thoughts with our self-concept (e.g., If I keep thinking I’m bad, then I must be a terrible person.) We can also lose contact with the present moment, instead narrowing our focus on the thing that’s making us uncomfortable, disconnecting from our experience, or disengaging. Ultimately, we can lose sight of our values (what we care about and want out of our lives) and instead attempt and reattempt the same ineffective strategies to gain control over our thoughts and feelings. In other words, we use just about every strategy we can to banish our discomfort. This might look like denial, obsessively ruminating on whether or not our thoughts and feelings are true, procrastinating, engaging in addictive substances, and other attempts to control and escape. 

The problem with these strategies is that they are not likely to work. Not only do they not solve our emotional discomfort in the long run – they actually move us away from the kind of life we want to lead. And to top it all off, they often result in a spiral of shame and self-loathing. It’s a vicious cycle. 

At this point, I want to pause and remind readers that it’s not our fault our brains are wired this way – it’s extremely normal and entirely human! And, once we accept this, we can begin to make changes that help our minds work for us, instead of against us.  

So, what’s a human to do? And how can ACT help?

ACT proposes an alternate strategy (with many concepts borrowed from Yogic and Zen principles) to deal with our emotionally uncomfortable thoughts and feelings: accepting them. What if, instead of fighting our emotions and accompanying thoughts, we accepted them for what they are: our bodies’ and minds’ attempts to protect us? What if, instead of living our lives constantly running away from our discomfort, we were able to view our discomfort as separate from ourselves, accept that feeling discomfort is normal in the situation we are in, and make choices that are workable and that move us in the direction we want? In other words, what if we were able to get unhooked?

Several tools from ACT can help us unhook from uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. For instance, mindfulness strategies work to reduce emotional intensity by enabling us to attend to our emotions and the present moment with compassion and acceptance. They can also get us into the habit of viewing our thoughts and emotions as things we are experiencing in this moment, rather than the absolute truth or indicative of who we are. 

One of my favorite ACT tools involves the concept of workability versus absolute truth. As Harris states, ACT isn’t interested in whether thoughts are true – the concept of truth could be endlessly debated. Instead, ACT is interested in whether our thoughts and what we do with them are workable. If a thought or a behavior is workable, it has worked for us in the past and/or is likely to work for us in the future. It will move us closer to our long-term goal. This is a simple question we can ask ourselves when we find ourselves getting hooked and in auto-problem-solving mode: is this thought or behavior workable? Or will it be ineffective or cause other problems? 

Finally, ACT asks us to get really clear on our values. What kinds of concepts (such as love, compassion, resilience, integrity, and authenticity, for example) do we want to guide our actions? If our problems did not exist, how would we operate? Once we know our values, we can endeavor to live in alignment with them. And living in alignment with our values results in less emotional discomfort, improved self-concept, and greater fulfillment. 

Who can benefit from ACT? 

Evidence shows that ACT can be effective for a myriad of mental health problems, including anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, depression, stress, phobias, chronic pain, addictions, and adjustment. But I believe that just about anyone can find usefulness in the approach. As Harris writes, 

“Who wouldn’t benefit from being more psychologically present; more in touch with their values; more able to make room for the inevitable pain of life; more able to defuse from unhelpful thoughts, beliefs and memories; more able to take effective action in the face of emotional discomfort; more able to engage fully in what they’re doing; and more able to appreciate each moment of their life, no matter how they’re feeling?” (Harris, p. 36) 

There is much more to ACT – more than can fit in this article. But I hope this post provides a basic understanding of how ACT can help us humans get unstuck and live a more meaningful, fulfilling life. 

By: Kaitlin Lowey, MHCI

Kaitlin joins her clients as they find relief, healing, hope, clarity, and transformation. She has helped individuals experiencing struggles with anxiety, stress, relationships, life changes, obsessive-compulsive disorder, intrusive thoughts, grief and loss, fertility and postpartum, motherhood and parenthood, athletic and career performance, perfectionism, identity, and self-worth. As an integrative therapist, Kaitlin collaborates with her clients to identify goals and choose research-supported therapeutic approaches that fit best. She offers in-person and online appointments.

Book with Kaitlin Lowey, MHCI here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/KaitlinLowey

Why anxiety is so hard to get rid of

By: Kaitlin Lowey, MHCI

Most people coming to therapy for anxiety have one goal: get rid of it. Anxiety is uncomfortable at best and debilitating at its worst, and it’s incessant. It can feel like the constant what ifs, watch outs, and you can’ts have taken over your mind. They don’t want to feel anxious, but they feel powerless against it. Some even feel defective – like something is wrong with them.

Here’s the thing: anxiety is often labeled as bad, but it’s not necessarily always a bad thing. I know, I know, it sounds counterintuitive – but hear me out. Anxiety plays a critical function in our lives. From an evolutionary perspective, anxiety was essential in pre-modern times. It told us to be on guard for possible bear attacks, poisonous berries, and other potentially life-threatening situations. Those who were vigilant and prepared for threats survived. 

Similarly, anxiety plays a protective role by helping us avoid real threats we’ve experienced in the past or have seen others experience. For instance, it tells us to use caution when driving in heavy traffic or prepare in advance for an important meeting. In other words, anxiety is an adaptive trait!

The problem is, anxiety can sometimes become overactive – like an overly-sensitive brain detector that goes off loudly at the slightest hint of possible danger. Why does this happen? Anxiety is associated with the oldest, most primal parts of the brain that are deeply connected with our body. Our body sends signals to our brain when it senses danger, and vice-versa. When anxiety is in high gear, we can’t reason with this part of the brain. It’s reactive and emotionally-driven. We enter flight, fight, or freeze mode – which is also referred to as being in a state of sympathetic nervous system engagement. When we are in this mode, our prefrontal cortex, which is the part of our brain associated with reasoning and executive functions, becomes less active or shuts down entirely. 

The question becomes, how do you get rid of your anxiety? 

There are many different schools of thought when it comes to addressing anxiety. These are just a few of the hundreds of therapeutic approaches, and the explanations are pared-down for brevity, but I hope they provide a high-level understanding.

A modern psychodynamic approach is based on uncovering unconscious thoughts and feelings contributing to the anxiety, and bringing them into awareness where they can be addressed. This often involves examining competing desires (such as the need for both freedom and closeness) as well as the influence of early experiences on expectations and beliefs. 

Humanistic counseling emphasizes the strength of client-therapist bond and puts the client in the driver’s seat. By reflecting the client’s thoughts and feelings with unconditional positive regard and acceptance, the counselor can help the client gain understanding and insight – and ultimately transform. 

In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), clients identify patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors associated with their anxiety – and the relationship between them. Then, they can enact a number of techniques to stop, reduce, or replace their unhelpful thoughts and learned behaviors with more helpful ones. 

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) was born out of CBT and has many similarities. However, the approach balances the behavioral change-focused aspects of CBT with acceptance of thoughts and emotions.

Using an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Approach, clients seek to accept that anxiety is a natural part of life and use a variety of strategies to “unhook” themselves from difficult thoughts and feelings. They also identify their values and identify strategies to move in the direction of their values and long-term goals. 

In exposure therapy, clients learn to reduce their fear response through slow, controlled, and measured exposure (either imagined or real) to the thing that scares them. This approach is often used to address OCD and phobias. 

What all of these approaches have in common is the belief that once we have greater insight into ourselves, we can help our minds work for us, instead of against us.  

So, what approach is best for you? The answer is, it depends. Therapy is not one-size-fits all. Different strokes work for different folks. And many counselors choose to take an integrative approach, where they pull tools from different theories, based on what will work best for each client. 

Individuals seeking treatment should talk with their mental health professional about their goals and collaborate with their provider to create a treatment plan that feels right. And remember – anxiety is a totally normal human experience. There’s nothing wrong with you! And there is hope. 

I am honored to have Kaitlin Lowey, MHCI as a colleague on our multidisciplinary team at South Tampa Therapy!

Kaitlin joins her clients as they find relief, healing, hope, clarity, and transformation. She has helped individuals experiencing struggles with anxiety, stress, relationships, life changes, obsessive-compulsive disorder, intrusive thoughts, grief and loss, fertility and postpartum, motherhood and parenthood, athletic and career performance, perfectionism, identity, and self-worth. As an integrative therapist, Kaitlin collaborates with her clients to identify goals and choose research-supported therapeutic approaches that fit best. She offers in-person and online appointments.

Book with Kaitlin Lowey, MHCI here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/KaitlinLowey

The Steps and Stages of Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples

EFT for Couples is a three stage nine step process that takes a couple out of their negative repetitive fights that are causing a couple distress, anguish and pain and into a new place of bonding and connection where the fights are resolvable and solutions can be found. It was created by Dr. Susan Johnson and based on research in attachment theory and emotion, as well as, on systems, humanistic, and experiential treatment models. As a model itself, it has been validated by research to help about 70% of couples achieve some long term gain.

Stage One - Stabilization (assessment and de-escalation) 

In stage one of EFT, the therapist works empathically with the couple helping them identify and break the negative cycle, pattern or what Dr. Johnson calls the dance that keeps them separated and in emotional distress. During this stage of therapy, the therapist helps the couple begin to get more in touch with the underlying feelings, fears, and unmet relationship longings driving the negative dance. Experiencing these emotions and seeing their partner experience them, helps the couple to start to feel close again. Things at home start to go along more smoothly. There is a sense of calm and hope. Finally, in this stage, as de-escalation begins to take root, the individuals in the couple pair begin to see, feel, and understand that together they have created this dance of distress. Each person begins to understand more deeply the effect of his or her behavior on the other. Couple learns to work together as a team to stop the cycle.

Step 1: 
Assessment: Delineate conflict issues. Assess how these issues express core conflicts in the areas of separateness/ connectedness and dependence/ independence.
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​Step 2:
Identify the negative interaction pattern or cycle.

Step 3:
Dive more deeply into and feel and share the emotions underlying and fueling each partners position in the cycle. 

Step 4:
Develop an understanding and experience of the problem (reframe) in terms of the cycle, the underlying emotions driving the cycle and the attachment needs which are normal and longing to be meant.

Stage Two - Bonding 

Once the couple begins to understand the dance they do together and is able to step back and stop it or repair it when it gets going at home, they are ready for stage two of EFT. Stage two essentially involves bonding moments where the couple begins to learn how to communicate their vulnerabilities to each other in a new and non-reactive manner. They are supported by the therapist to take risks in expressing their core sense of self, in asking for the other to be there for them and in requesting understanding and acceptance. Partners take turns reaching out to each other in vulnerability and responding back with empathy creating a new sense of togetherness and secure attachment.

Step 5:
Delve into and identify disowned needs and aspects of self that have been hidden for each partner.

​Step 6:
Promote acceptance of these tender and hidden parts, aspects of self and new ways of relating.

​Step 7:
Facilitate the expression of needs and wants, and restructure the interaction to create true emotional engagement.
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Stage 3 - Consolidation of Change

After the couple has finished the bonding and restructuring events of stage two, they will begin to feel more secure with each other. During stage three, they feel like a team again. The narrative of their relationship has shifted to one where the distress and conflict is understood, resolved, and just part of the story.

Step 8:
Facilitate the emergence of new solutions to old problematic relationship issues.

Step 9:
Consolidate new positions and cycles of emotional closeness and attachment.

Sure, people still fight and sometimes even go back into their cycle. This is normal and will happen especially during times of stress. However, they are able to pull themselves out of it and be there for each other because their sense of self and experience of the relationship has changed. Because of this new ability and sense and during stage three, the focus is more practical and mostly involves consolidating gains and problem solving.