Nurturing Love: How Couples Counseling with the Gottman Approach and Emotion-Focused Therapy Can Transform Relationships

Introduction

Love is a beautiful journey, but it's not always smooth sailing. Every couple faces challenges and moments of discord. However, seeking help through couples counseling can be the beacon of hope that leads to a stronger, more fulfilling partnership. In this blog post, we'll explore how the integration of the Gottman Approach and Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) can be transformative in nurturing love and healing relationships.

Understanding the Gottman Approach

1. Building Strong Foundations: The Gottman Approach emphasizes the importance of creating strong foundations in a relationship. This includes open communication, trust, and a deep understanding of each other's needs and desires.

2. The Art of Effective Communication: Through the Gottman Method, couples learn how to communicate effectively, ensuring that their voices are heard, and their concerns are addressed. This involves active listening, empathy, and expressing oneself in a constructive manner.

3. Navigating Conflict: Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. The Gottman Approach equips couples with tools to navigate disagreements in a healthy and productive way. By identifying harmful communication patterns and learning to replace them with positive interactions, couples can break free from negative cycles.

Emotion-Focused Therapy: Healing from the Inside Out

1. Exploring Emotions: Emotion-Focused Therapy delves deep into the emotional landscape of a relationship. It helps couples identify and express their feelings in a safe and supportive environment.

2. Strengthening Emotional Bonds: By understanding and validating each other's emotions, couples can create a stronger emotional bond. This enables them to support and uplift each other, even in times of difficulty.

3. Healing Past Wounds: EFT provides a platform for couples to address past hurts and wounds. Through guided conversations, couples can work towards forgiveness, letting go of resentment, and finding closure.

The Power of Integration

When the Gottman Approach and Emotion-Focused Therapy come together, their synergy is extraordinary.

1. A Holistic Approach: The Gottman Approach focuses on practical, evidence-backed strategies, while EFT addresses the emotional core of a relationship. Together, they provide a comprehensive toolkit for couples to navigate challenges.

2. Strengthening Communication and Emotional Connection: Through this integrated approach, couples not only learn how to communicate effectively but also deepen their emotional connection. This leads to a more profound understanding of each other's needs and a greater sense of intimacy.

3. Long-Lasting Transformation: The integration of these approaches isn't just about temporary fixes. It's about creating lasting, positive change that enriches the fabric of the relationship.

Conclusion

Couples counseling with the integration of the Gottman Approach and Emotion-Focused Therapy is a powerful journey towards healing and growth. It offers couples the tools to communicate more effectively, understand each other on a deeper level, and ultimately, build a stronger and more resilient partnership. Through this transformative process, couples can nurture their love and create a foundation for a more fulfilling future together.

Overcoming Perfectionism: Psychological Strategies for High Performers

In the relentless pursuit of excellence, many high-performing individuals find themselves trapped in the clutches of perfectionism. While striving for perfection can drive success, it often leads to stress, burnout, and dissatisfaction. As a mental health professional and former-corporate-perfectionist-in-recovery, I understand the unique challenges faced by those who excel at work but grapple with the burdens of perfectionism. In this blog post, I'll explore the psychological strategies that can help you overcome perfectionism and lead a more balanced and fulfilling life.

Understanding Perfectionism

Before delving into strategies, it's crucial to comprehend what perfectionism truly is. Perfectionism is not merely striving for excellence; rather, it's an unrealistic and unattainable pursuit of flawlessness. It manifests in a variety of ways, including setting excessively high standards, fear of failure, and relentless self-criticism.

Perfectionism is often rooted in a fear of judgment, rejection, or a belief that one's worth is contingent on achievement. While it can drive high levels of achievement, it also brings a host of negative consequences such as chronic stress, procrastination, and impaired relationships.

Psychological Strategies to Overcome Perfectionism

1. Self-Compassion

The first step in overcoming perfectionism is to practice self-compassion. Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend facing a similar situation. When you make a mistake or fall short of your own expectations, replace self-criticism with self-compassion and a growth mindset. Remind yourself that it's okay to be imperfect, and that your self-worth isn't tied to your achievements alone.

1. Reframe Your Thoughts

Perfectionists often engage in all-or-nothing thinking. They view a situation as either a complete success or a total failure, leaving no room for shades of gray. Challenge this thinking pattern by reframing your thoughts. Instead of seeing a project as a failure because of one small mistake, acknowledge the progress you've made and view it as an opportunity for growth.

1. Set Realistic Goals

Perfectionists tend to set impossibly high standards for themselves, which can be paralyzing and counterproductive. Learn to set realistic, achievable goals that challenge you but also allow room for mistakes and learning. Break larger goals into smaller, more manageable steps to reduce the overwhelming feeling of perfectionism.

1. Embrace Failure as a Learning Opportunity

Perfectionists often fear failure, which can lead to avoidance behaviors and procrastination. To overcome this, reframe failure as a valuable learning opportunity. Each setback provides a chance to acquire new skills, insights, and resilience. Embracing failure as a natural part of the journey towards excellence can help reduce the fear associated with it.

1. Seek Support and Feedback

Don't be afraid to seek support from colleagues, mentors, or a therapist. Sharing your struggles with others can provide valuable perspective and emotional support. Additionally, actively seek constructive feedback instead of avoiding it. Feedback, even when critical, can be a powerful tool for personal and professional growth.

1. Mindfulness and Relaxation Techniques

Incorporate mindfulness and relaxation techniques into your daily routine to manage perfectionist tendencies. Mindfulness helps you stay present in the moment and reduces anxiety about future outcomes. Techniques like deep breathing, meditation, and progressive muscle relaxation can help you manage stress and anxiety associated with perfectionism.

1. Prioritize Self-Care

High performers often neglect self-care in their quest for perfection. However, taking care of your physical and emotional well-being is crucial in overcoming perfectionism. Prioritize activities that bring you joy, relaxation, and balance. Make time for hobbies, exercise, and spending quality time with loved ones.

Overcoming perfectionism is a journey that requires self-awareness, practice, and patience. As a high performer, you can harness your drive for excellence while learning to let go of the burdens of unrealistic standards. Remember, perfection is an illusion, and the pursuit of it can hinder your well-being and happiness. By embracing self-compassion, setting realistic goals, reframing your thoughts, and seeking support, you can break free from the grip of perfectionism and lead a more balanced and fulfilling life. It's time to celebrate your achievements without being enslaved by the quest for flawlessness.

Navigating Emotions: Working Through the Decision to Divorce

Deciding to get a divorce is an emotionally charged journey that can leave you feeling overwhelmed, uncertain, and conflicted. As a mental health professional, I understand the complex web of emotions that come with making such a significant life-changing decision. In this blog post, I will guide you through practical strategies to work through these difficult feelings and find a path to healing and self-discovery after choosing divorce.

1. Acknowledge and Accept Your Feelings

The first step in working through difficult emotions during divorce is acknowledging and accepting them. You might experience a range of emotions, from sadness and anger to guilt and fear. It's essential to recognize that these feelings are a natural response to a major life transition. Avoid suppressing your emotions or judging yourself for having them; they are valid and deserving of your attention.

1. Seek Professional Support

Navigating a divorce can be incredibly challenging, and seeking the help of a professional counselor or therapist can provide invaluable support. A skilled therapist can help you process your emotions, explore your thoughts and concerns, and develop healthy coping mechanisms to deal with the emotional turmoil that divorce can bring.

1. Create a Support System

Lean on your trusted friends and family members for emotional support during this time. Share your feelings and thoughts with those you trust, but also remember that they may not have all the answers. Joining a divorce support group can also be beneficial, as it connects you with others who are going through similar experiences and can offer empathy and valuable insights.

1. Allow Yourself to Grieve

Divorce is a loss, and it's essential to give yourself permission to grieve the end of your marriage. Allow yourself to mourn the relationship, the shared dreams, and the expectations you once had. Grief is a process, and it's okay to feel sadness, even when you're certain about your decision.

1. Practice Self-Care

Taking care of yourself during this challenging time is crucial. Prioritize self-care activities that nurture your physical and emotional well-being. This might include exercise, meditation, hobbies you enjoy, and maintaining a healthy diet. Focusing on self-care can help reduce stress and provide a sense of stability in the midst of upheaval.

1. Clarify Your Reasons for Divorce

Understanding why you've made the decision to divorce can provide clarity and help you navigate your emotions. Write down your reasons for divorce, and reflect on your values, needs, and long-term goals. Knowing your motivations can strengthen your resolve and provide a sense of purpose during this difficult time.

1. Set Boundaries

During a divorce, it's essential to establish clear boundaries with your soon-to-be ex-spouse. These boundaries help create a sense of safety and predictability during an emotionally turbulent period. Communicate openly and respectfully with your ex-partner about your boundaries and expectations, especially when it comes to co-parenting or shared assets.

1. Focus on the Future

While it's crucial to process your emotions, it's equally important to focus on your future. Set goals and aspirations for what you want to achieve post-divorce. This can give you a sense of direction and purpose, helping you move forward with greater determination and resilience.

1. Embrace Self-Discovery

Divorce can be an opportunity for self-discovery and personal growth. Take this time to explore who you are outside of the context of your marriage. What are your passions, interests, and values? Use this period of transition as a chance to reinvent yourself and create a fulfilling life that aligns with your authentic self.

1. Practice Patience

Healing from divorce takes time, and it's essential to be patient with yourself. Some days will be more challenging than others, and that's okay. Understand that there is no set timeline for moving on from a divorce, and healing is a gradual process.

Conclusion

Deciding to get divorced is undoubtedly a challenging and emotional journey, but it can also be a path toward a brighter and more authentic future. By acknowledging your feelings, seeking support, practicing self-care, and focusing on self-discovery, you can navigate this transition with resilience and emerge from it stronger and wiser. Remember that you are not alone in your struggles, and with time and effort, you can find healing, closure, and the opportunity for a fulfilling new chapter in your life.

Navigating Complex Emotions About Parenthood: A Mental Health Perspective

Pregnancy is a life-altering journey filled with a myriad of emotions. While it's often portrayed as a time of unbridled joy and excitement, it's essential to recognize that it can also bring about complex and difficult feelings. As a mental health professional, I understand the unique challenges faced by those who are pregnant and experiencing conflicting emotions about parenthood. In this blog post, I aim to provide guidance on navigating these intricate feelings and finding a path to emotional well-being during this transformative phase of life.

1. Normalize Your Feelings

First and foremost, it's crucial to understand that complex and mixed emotions about parenthood are entirely normal. The societal pressure to be overwhelmingly ecstatic about pregnancy can sometimes overshadow the reality that it's okay to have reservations, doubts, or moments of fear. Acknowledge and accept your feelings without judgment. They are a part of your unique journey.

1. Seek Support

One of the most effective ways to navigate complex emotions during pregnancy is to seek support from a mental health professional. Therapy can provide a safe and non-judgmental space for you to explore your feelings, fears, and concerns. A therapist can help you develop coping strategies, manage anxiety, and work through any unresolved issues that might be contributing to your emotional challenges.

1. Communicate with Your Partner

Open and honest communication with your partner is essential during this time. Share your feelings and concerns with your significant other, and encourage them to do the same. Parenthood is a shared journey, and addressing your emotions together can strengthen your bond and help you both feel more prepared for the challenges and joys ahead.

1. Connect with Other Expectant Parents

Consider joining a support group or seeking out online communities of expectant parents who are experiencing similar emotions. Sharing your thoughts and listening to others' stories can provide validation and a sense of camaraderie. These connections can be invaluable sources of support and reassurance.

1. Reflect on Your Expectations

Take time to reflect on your expectations about parenthood. Are there specific beliefs or ideals that are contributing to your complex emotions? Examine where these expectations come from and whether they align with your values and the reality of parenthood. Adjusting your expectations can help alleviate some of the pressure you may be feeling.

1. Educate Yourself

Understanding the realities of parenthood can help demystify some of your concerns. Read books, articles, and reputable sources about pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting. Seek out information that provides a balanced view of the joys and challenges that come with raising a child. Knowledge can be empowering and help you feel more prepared.

1. Practice Self-Compassion

Be kind and compassionate toward yourself during this emotional journey. Self-criticism and guilt can exacerbate negative feelings. Remind yourself that it's okay to have doubts and concerns; these feelings don't diminish your capacity to be a loving and capable parent. Treat yourself with the same gentleness and understanding that you would offer to a close friend.

1. Explore Your Emotions

Use journaling or creative expression as a means to explore your emotions more deeply. Writing down your thoughts and feelings can provide clarity and insight. Additionally, engaging in creative activities such as art, music, or dance can help you express and process your emotions in a non-verbal way.

1. Plan for Self-Care

Amid the excitement and preparations for the baby's arrival, don't forget to prioritize self-care. Carve out time for activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Whether it's a warm bath, a leisurely walk, or simply resting, self-care is crucial for maintaining emotional balance.

1. Embrace Flexibility

Remember that parenthood is a dynamic and ever-evolving journey. It's okay for your feelings to change over time. Allow yourself the space to adapt and grow as you transition into parenthood. Flexibility and an open mind can help you navigate the complexities of this new chapter.

Pregnancy is a time of profound change and transformation, and it's natural to experience a range of emotions, including complex and difficult ones. Navigating these feelings with self-compassion, seeking support, and communicating openly with your partner can help you find emotional balance and prepare for the joys and challenges of parenthood. Remember, there is no one-size-fits-all experience, and it's okay to embrace your unique journey, complexities and all. You have the strength and resilience to navigate this transformative phase and emerge as the loving and capable parent you aspire to be.

By Kaitlin Lowey: Book with her here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/KaitlinLowey

How to Divorce and Still Remain Friends

Divorce is one of life's most challenging experiences. The emotional, financial, and logistical complexities that arise during this process can strain even the strongest bonds. However, it's not uncommon for couples to aspire to an amicable divorce where they can part ways as friends, rather than adversaries. While it may seem like a lofty goal, it's entirely possible with the right mindset, communication, and approach. Let’s explore how to divorce and still remain friends, fostering a positive post-divorce relationship.

1.  Open and Honest Communication

The foundation of any amicable divorce is open and honest communication. Both parties must be willing to express their thoughts, feelings, and concerns without judgment or hostility. It's essential to establish a safe space where you can each share your needs and expectations openly.

Active Listening:  Practice active listening by giving your partner your full attention when they speak. Try to understand their perspective, even if you don't agree with it. Empathetic listening can go a long way in resolving conflicts.

Seek Mediation or Counseling:  Consider engaging a mediator or therapist to facilitate communication and negotiation. These professionals can help both parties express their feelings, manage emotions, and work towards mutually agreeable solutions.

2.  Prioritize the Well-being of Children

If you have children together, their well-being should be top priority. A peaceful divorce can minimize the negative impact on children. Maintain a united front when it comes to parenting decisions and avoid putting children in the middle of your conflicts.

Co-Parenting Agreement:  Consider creating a detailed co-parenting agreement that outlines responsibilities, schedules, and decision-making processes. Having a clear plan can reduce misunderstandings and conflicts.

Respect Each Other's Role:  Acknowledge each other's role as parents and support one another in maintaining a strong and loving relationship with the children. Encourage them to have a healthy relationship with both parents.

3.  Separate Emotions from Finances

Money is often a significant source of conflict during divorce proceedings. To maintain a friendship post-divorce, it's essential to separate emotions from financial decisions.

Full Financial Disclosure:  Be transparent about your financial situation. The best way to instill trust in this process is to share all relevant financial information to ensure fair and equitable asset division.

Collaborative Financial Planning:  Consider working together, or with a financial advisor, to create a financial plan that benefits both parties. This can help avoid contentious disputes over assets and alimony.

4. Set Realistic Expectations

Maintaining a friendship after divorce doesn't mean that everything will be perfect. There will still be challenges and moments of disagreement. Setting realistic expectations is crucial for a smooth transition.

Understand That Change Is Inevitable:  Accept that your relationship will change post-divorce, but that it can still be meaningful and positive. In fact, some couples find that their post-divorce friendship is stronger than their connection in marriage. 

Be Patient:  Healing takes time, and it's normal to experience a range of emotions. Give yourself and your former spouse the space and time needed to adjust to the new dynamics.

Divorce is a challenging life transition, but it doesn't have to be synonymous with animosity and bitterness. By prioritizing open communication, the well-being of children, and making a concerted effort to separate emotions from finances, couples can navigate divorce while maintaining a sense of friendship. Setting realistic expectations and being patient are key to fostering a positive post-divorce relationship. Remember that while the dynamics may change, it is entirely possible to divorce and still remain friends, paving the way for a healthier and happier future for both parties.

Author: Lana Phillips

Book Appointment: https://southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment

Embracing “Intelligent Failure”

In our culture that often glorifies success and perfection, the thought of failure may feel daunting and paralyzing. Harvard Business School professor Amy Edmondson has spent her career advocating for a different perspective—one that celebrates what she calls "intelligent failure." Edmondson's work not only revolutionizes the way organizations operate but also offers profound insights for how individuals should view successes and failures in their own life.

Understanding Intelligent Failure

At the heart of Edmondson's research lies the idea that not all failures are created equal. While conventional wisdom portrays failure as a sign of incompetence or negligence, intelligent failure is quite the opposite. It is a purposeful and calculated endeavor where individuals and organizations embrace the potential for failure as a means to learn and innovate.

One of Edmondson's key contributions is the concept of "psychological safety." She argues that creating an environment where people feel safe to voice their ideas, admit their mistakes, and take calculated risks is paramount to fostering intelligent failure. In such an environment, failure is seen as an opportunity for growth and learning rather than a career-ending misstep.

Intelligent Failure in Organizations

Edmondson's work has had big impacts in the corporate world. In organizations that encourage intelligent failure, employees are more likely to collaborate, experiment, and innovate. This leads to the development of groundbreaking products, services, and solutions. Companies like Google and Pixar have famously embraced this philosophy, creating spaces where employees are encouraged to pursue ambitious projects without the fear of immediate consequences if they fail.

By learning from their failures, organizations can adapt to changing market conditions, enhance their competitive advantage, and ultimately thrive in the long term. Edmondson's research has shown that organizations that encourage intelligent failure are more resilient and agile, better equipped to navigate uncertainty, and more capable of driving meaningful change.

Applying Intelligent Failure to Life

The principles of intelligent failure are equally applicable to areas of personal growth and self-improvement. In our journey through life, we encounter numerous challenges, setbacks, and failures. It is how we respond to these failures that ultimately determines our success and happiness.

• Embrace Risk and Change: Just as organizations need to take calculated risks to innovate, individuals must also be willing to step out of their comfort zones and embrace change. Whether it's pursuing a new career, starting a business, or learning a new skill, intelligent failure involves recognizing that setbacks are part of the process.

• Cultivate a Growth Mindset: Edmondson's work aligns with the principles of a growth mindset, as popularized by psychologist Carol Dweck. A growth mindset involves seeing challenges as opportunities for learning and development. When we view failure as a chance to grow, we are more resilient in the face of adversity.

• Foster Psychological Safety in Relationships: Just as organizations benefit from psychological safety, so do our personal relationships. Building trust and open communication with loved ones allows us to be vulnerable and admit our failures without fear of rejection or judgment, which ultimately strengthens our connections and creates a supportive bond.

• Learn from Mistakes: Perhaps the most crucial aspect of intelligent failure in life is the commitment to learning from our mistakes. Every setback or failure can provide valuable insights that contribute to personal growth and future success.

Research on intelligent failure has transformed the way we should perceive setbacks and mistakes. By embracing failure as a path to growth and innovation, organizations and individuals can thrive in an ever-changing world. As we apply these principles to our lives, we can cultivate resilience, adaptability, and a deep appreciation for the power of intelligent failure to drive our personal fulfillment.

Author: Lana Phillips

Book Appointment: https://southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment

The Risks of Seeking Dating Advice on Social Media

In our digital age, where virtual connections have become an integral part of our lives, it's no surprise that people turn to social media for advice on all sorts of topics, including dating. Platforms like Instagram, Twitter, and TikTok are filled with self-proclaimed relationship gurus and experts offering insights on love and romance. While there's no denying that social media can be a source of helpful information, there are things you should keep in mind when following dating advice dispensed online.

Oversimplification and One-Size-Fits-All Solutions

One significant risk of seeking dating advice on social media is the tendency for advice to be oversimplified or presented as a one-size-fits-all solution. Many so-called “experts” on these platforms offer quick fixes and catchy phrases that may not apply to everyone's unique situations. Love and relationships are complex, and what works for one person may not work for another. Relying on generic advice can lead to disappointment and confusion when it doesn't yield the expected results.

Lack of Qualification and Accountability

Unlike licensed therapists or relationship counselors who are bound by ethical guidelines and professional standards, social media influencers usually have no official qualifications or oversight. Anyone can position themselves as a dating expert, regardless of their actual knowledge or experience in the field. This lack of accountability can be dangerous if individuals seeking advice unknowingly follow guidance that is harmful or misguided.

Unrealistic Expectations

Social media often presents a distorted view of reality, including dating advice. Many influencers showcase their seemingly perfect relationships or offer advice based on idealized notions of love and romance. This can create unrealistic expectations and lead followers to pursue unattainable standards, perhaps causing dissatisfaction in their relationships.

Confirmation Bias

When seeking dating advice on social media, people tend to gravitate towards content that confirms their existing beliefs or desires. This confirmation bias can lead to a closed-minded approach by only accepting advice that aligns with what they want to hear. In reality, constructive advice sometimes challenges our preconceived notions and requires us to make uncomfortable changes.

Lack of Privacy and Discretion

Discussing personal and intimate matters on social media can have unintended consequences. Sharing sensitive details of your dating life in public forums can lead to breaches of privacy, harassment, or even exploitation. It's crucial to consider the potential risks associated with sharing personal information in such a public space.

Emotional Manipulation and Exploitation

Some individuals on social media may not have your best interests at heart. They may use manipulative tactics to gain followers or promote products and services. This includes exploiting your insecurities and fears to keep you engaged with their content. It's important to be vigilant and discerning when consuming dating advice online.

While social media can be a valuable source of information in many aspects of life, seeking dating advice on these platforms comes with some risks. Oversimplification, a lack of qualification, unrealistic expectations, confirmation bias, privacy concerns, and the potential for emotional manipulation are just a few of the dangers associated with relying on social media for dating guidance. To navigate the complexities of love and relationships successfully, it's advisable to seek advice from qualified professionals or trusted individuals in your life who have your best interests at heart. Remember that no one-size-fits-all solution exists for matters of the heart, and a thoughtful, individualized approach is often the most effective path to meaningful connections.

Author: Lana Phillips

Book Appointment: https://southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment

Insights from The Gottman Institute: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychologist and researcher, has dedicated his career observing relationships on a quest to discover what makes them work and what causes them to unravel. One of his most influential concepts is known as "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse," which identifies four communication patterns that can lead to the downfall of a romantic relationship if left unchecked. The four horsemen are:

Criticism

Contempt

Defensiveness

Stonewalling

Criticism

The first horseman, criticism, is attacking a partner's character rather than addressing a specific behavior or issue. It involves making sweeping negative statements about the other person, often using terms like "always" or "never." It sounds something like this:

“You always forget to do the dishes. I can never rely on you.”

Criticism can be destructive as it erodes the other person's self-esteem and creates a hostile atmosphere. Gottman's research shows that persistent criticism can be particularly harmful because it tends to escalate conflicts, making them more difficult to resolve. 

The better approach, or “antidote,” to criticism is the gentle start-up. Rather than blaming or finding fault with a partner’s behavior, it is more helpful to focus on using "I" statements, such as "I feel frustrated when the dishes aren’t done."

Contempt

Contempt is perhaps the most corrosive of the four horsemen. It involves expressing disdain, disrespect, or superiority towards one's partner. This can manifest as sarcasm, mockery, name-calling, or eye-rolling. Contempt often stems from a deep sense of resentment and can lead to long-lasting emotional wounds. It sounds like this:

“You still haven’t finished the taxes? (Eye roll.) Why am I the only competent person around here?”

Gottman's research indicates that contempt is a strong predictor of relationship dissatisfaction and divorce. 

The antidote to contempt is building a culture of respect and appreciation towards one’s partner. It’s challenging to break the cycle of contempt, but with time and better habits of expressing gratitude and appreciation, couples can begin to feel the love and respect needed to buffer against times of conflict.

Defensiveness

The third horseman, defensiveness, is a natural response to feeling attacked or criticized. Defensiveness shows up as making excuses, denying wrongdoing, or playing the victim. Unfortunately, it is also counterproductive when it involves shifting blame and failing to take responsibility for one's actions. It goes like this:

“It’s not my fault. You’re the one who overreacted.”

The antidote to defensiveness is taking ownership of one's mistakes and listening to their partner's perspective without immediately becoming defensive. A better response sounds like, "I understand why you're upset, and I'm sorry for my part in this."

Stonewalling

The fourth horseman is stonewalling which involves withdrawing from an interaction or conversation, often in response to feeling overwhelmed by conflict or criticism. Stonewalling occurs when one partner disengages, emotionally shuts down, or refuses to communicate, which leaves the other partner feeling unheard and rejected. It looks like this:

Crossing arms . . . looking away . . . staying silent . . . exiting the room.

The antidote to stonewalling is physiological self-soothing by taking a break. Couples should establish strategies for cooling off but commit to returning to the conversation later to resolve the issue constructively.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse provide valuable insights into the dynamics of relationships and how negative communication patterns can lead to their downfall. By recognizing and addressing these behaviors – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling – couples can work towards healthier, more satisfying relationships. 

Author: Lana Phillips

Book Appointment: https://southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment

Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity: A Guide Using the Gottman Approach and EFT

Infidelity can be one of the most challenging experiences a couple can face. Rebuilding trust in the aftermath of such a breach is a complex process that requires dedication, open communication, and professional guidance. In this blog post, we'll explore how the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can be powerful tools in the journey towards healing and rebuilding trust.

Understanding the Impact of Infidelity

Before embarking on the path of rebuilding trust, it's crucial to acknowledge the profound impact of infidelity on both partners. The betrayed partner often experiences feelings of betrayal, loss, and intense emotional pain. The unfaithful partner may grapple with guilt, shame, and remorse. These emotions are valid and need to be addressed with empathy and understanding.

The Gottman Method: Building a Foundation of Trust

1. Open Communication: The Gottman Method emphasizes the importance of open and honest communication. Both partners must be willing to express their feelings, concerns, and needs without fear of judgment or defensiveness.

2. Rebuilding Intimacy: Intimacy is not solely about physical closeness, but also about emotional connection. The Gottman Method encourages partners to engage in activities that foster emotional intimacy, such as sharing dreams, fears, and aspirations.

3. Re-establishing Rituals of Connection: Partners should identify and revive rituals that were once meaningful in their relationship. This could be anything from a weekly date night to morning walks together.

4. Trust-Building Behaviors: The unfaithful partner must demonstrate consistent, trust-building behaviors. This includes transparency, accountability, and a willingness to answer questions about the affair.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): Healing Emotional Bonds

1. Creating a Secure Emotional Connection: EFT focuses on creating a safe and secure emotional bond between partners. Through guided conversations, couples learn to express their emotions and needs in a constructive manner.

2. Processing and Validating Emotions: Both partners need to acknowledge and validate each other's emotions. This helps create an environment where both individuals feel heard and understood.

3. Identifying Attachment Patterns: EFT helps couples recognize and understand their attachment patterns, which may contribute to relationship distress. By recognizing and addressing these patterns, couples can forge healthier connections.

4. Forgiveness and Letting Go: EFT assists couples in the process of forgiveness, which is essential for healing. Forgiveness doesn't mean condoning the infidelity, but rather, it signifies a willingness to move forward without holding onto resentment.

Combining Approaches for Maximum Impact

The power of combining the Gottman Method and EFT lies in their complementary nature. While the Gottman Method focuses on rebuilding trust through concrete actions and behaviors, EFT delves deep into the emotional landscape, facilitating healing from the inside out.

Remember, rebuilding trust after infidelity is a journey that requires time, patience, and professional guidance. Seeking the support of a trained therapist experienced in both the Gottman Method and EFT can provide the necessary tools and insights for a path towards healing, renewed intimacy, and a stronger, more resilient partnership.

Strength in Seeking Help: Debunking the Stigma Surrounding Therapy

In a world that often emphasizes self-reliance and stoicism, it's not uncommon for people to view seeking therapy as a sign of weakness or personal failure. The truth, however, is far from this misconception. Therapy is not a testament to one's weakness or defectiveness; rather, it is an act of courage and strength. In this blog post, we aim to debunk the stigma surrounding therapy and highlight why seeking help is not a sign of weakness, but rather a powerful step towards self-improvement and emotional well-being.

Understanding the Stigma

Before we delve into the reasons why therapy is not weak, let's address the stigma that surrounds it. This stigma often stems from misconceptions about mental health and the belief that admitting you need help equates to admitting weakness. In reality, mental health struggles are incredibly common, and seeking therapy is a proactive and responsible way to address them.

Acknowledging Vulnerability is a Sign of Strength

One of the most significant misconceptions about therapy is that it's only for those who can't handle their problems on their own. This couldn't be further from the truth. In reality, therapy is a space where individuals can explore their feelings, vulnerabilities, and challenges with the guidance of a trained professional. Acknowledging that you have vulnerabilities and are willing to work on them takes immense strength.

Therapy Promotes Self-Reflection

Therapy provides an opportunity for deep self-reflection and personal growth. It encourages individuals to confront their fears, past traumas, and unresolved issues. This introspective journey is an essential part of personal development and is far from a sign of weakness. It takes immense courage to face one's own demons and work towards a better, healthier self.

Developing Coping Skills

Life is full of challenges, and no one is immune to stress, anxiety, or difficult experiences. Therapy equips individuals with valuable coping skills and strategies to navigate these challenges effectively. Seeking help to learn how to cope with life's ups and downs is a proactive and intelligent decision, not a sign of weakness.

Overcoming Social and Cultural Stigmas

Society often perpetuates the myth that seeking help for mental health issues is a sign of weakness. This cultural stigma can be particularly harmful, as it discourages individuals from seeking the support they need. However, as more people openly discuss their experiences with therapy and mental health, these stigmas are gradually eroding. Choosing therapy contributes to this positive change and helps break down harmful stereotypes.

The Courage to Heal

Many individuals who seek therapy have experienced significant trauma or difficult life events. The courage it takes to confront past traumas, heal emotional wounds, and work towards a brighter future is a testament to inner strength. It is a decision to actively reclaim one's life and well-being, not a sign of weakness.

Therapy as a Preventive Measure

Therapy isn't just for crisis moments; it's a valuable tool for maintaining good mental health and preventing future issues. Regular therapy sessions can help individuals build emotional resilience, improve self-awareness, and develop healthy relationships. Proactively investing in your mental health is a powerful choice that demonstrates strength and wisdom.

A Supportive and Confidential Environment

Therapists provide a safe and confidential space for individuals to share their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment. This environment fosters trust and allows individuals to explore their emotions honestly. Seeking this kind of support is a responsible and brave act.

In conclusion, seeking therapy is not a sign of weakness; it's a testament to courage, self-awareness, and a commitment to personal growth. The stigma surrounding therapy is rooted in misconceptions about mental health and outdated stereotypes. By choosing therapy, individuals demonstrate their strength in acknowledging vulnerability, promoting self-reflection, developing coping skills, and actively working towards a better future.

It's time to debunk the myth that seeking help is a sign of weakness. Instead, let's celebrate those who have the courage to heal, the wisdom to invest in their mental health, and the strength to seek therapy. In doing so, we can collectively contribute to a society that values mental health and understands that seeking therapy is an act of bravery, not weakness.

By Kaitlin Lowey: Book with her here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/KaitlinLowey

Embracing Change: Using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) Tools to Tackle Anxiety

Anxiety can be an overwhelming and paralyzing force in our lives. It can make us feel trapped, unable to move forward, and disconnected from our true selves. However, there is hope. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (often shortened as ACT) offers valuable tools and strategies to help individuals not only manage their anxiety but also lead a more fulfilling and meaningful life. In this blog post, we will explore some ACT tools that can be instrumental in handling anxiety.

Understanding Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

ACT is a modern form of psychotherapy that combines cognitive behavioral techniques with mindfulness strategies. ACT is grounded in the belief that suffering arises from our attempts to avoid or control unpleasant thoughts, feelings, and sensations. Instead of trying to eliminate anxiety, ACT encourages individuals to accept it as a natural part of the human experience and commit to taking meaningful actions despite it.

ACT Tools to Handle Anxiety

Mindfulness and Present Moment Awareness

Mindfulness is a core component of ACT. It involves paying attention to the present moment without judgment. When dealing with anxiety, practicing mindfulness can help individuals become more aware of their anxious thoughts and bodily sensations. By observing these thoughts and sensations without trying to eliminate or suppress them, individuals can reduce their anxiety's grip on their lives.

A simple mindfulness exercise for anxiety involves taking a few deep breaths and focusing on your breath. When anxious thoughts arise, acknowledge them without judgment, and gently return your attention to your breath. This practice can create a sense of distance between you and your anxiety, allowing you to respond more skillfully.

Defusion Techniques

Defusion is the process of creating psychological distance from your thoughts. Anxiety often results from getting entangled in catastrophic thoughts and worst-case scenarios. ACT offers several techniques to defuse from these thoughts:

a. Name your thoughts: Give your anxious thoughts a funny or absurd name. For example, if you're worried about a work presentation, you could call it "The Nervous Noodle." This technique helps you see your thoughts as just thoughts, not objective truths.

b. Use metaphor: Imagine your thoughts as passing clouds or leaves floating down a stream. This visualization can help you detach from your anxious thoughts and see them as transient.

Values Clarification

An essential aspect of ACT is identifying and clarifying your values—what truly matters to you in life. Anxiety often arises when our actions are not aligned with our values. By recognizing and committing to values that are meaningful to you, you can make decisions and take actions that are in line with your authentic self, reducing anxiety in the process.

Committed Action

ACT encourages individuals to take action that aligns with their values, even in the presence of anxiety. This means stepping out of your comfort zone and engaging in activities that may trigger anxiety. Over time, exposure to these situations can reduce the intensity of anxiety responses and help you lead a more fulfilling life.

Self-Compassion

Anxiety can be exacerbated by self-criticism and harsh self-judgment. ACT emphasizes self-compassion as a tool for managing anxiety. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer to a friend facing a similar challenge. Self-compassion can create a buffer against the emotional impact of anxiety and foster a sense of resilience.

Acceptance

As the 'A' in ACT suggests, acceptance is a crucial aspect of the therapy. It's about accepting your emotions, thoughts, and bodily sensations, even when they are uncomfortable or distressing. Instead of trying to fight or suppress anxiety, acknowledge its presence and give yourself permission to experience it without judgment.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) provides a powerful framework and a set of practical tools for individuals struggling with anxiety. By embracing mindfulness, defusion techniques, values clarification, committed action, self-compassion, and acceptance, you can not only manage your anxiety but also move towards a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

Remember that anxiety is a natural part of the human experience, and it doesn't have to control your life. With the help of ACT tools, you can learn to coexist with anxiety while still pursuing the life you want to live. Embrace change, practice self-compassion, and commit to actions that align with your values—these are the keys to handling anxiety and unlocking a brighter, more fulfilling future.

By Kaitlin Lowey: Book with her here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/KaitlinLowey

Overcoming Harm OCD: A Journey to Healing and Empowerment

Living with Harm OCD can be an overwhelming and distressing experience. This particular subtype of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) revolves around intrusive thoughts and fears of causing harm to oneself or others, despite having no intent or desire to do so. If you find yourself struggling with Harm OCD, know that you are not alone, and there is help available to guide you on a path of healing and empowerment. This blog post aims to shed light on Harm OCD and provide guidance for seeking the help and support you need to overcome its challenges.

Understanding Harm OCD

Harm OCD is characterized by recurrent, distressing thoughts, images, or urges related to causing harm to oneself or others. These thoughts are often violent, graphic, and unwanted, causing significant anxiety and distress. Contrary to their thoughts, individuals with Harm OCD typically have a strong aversion to violence and strive to protect themselves and others. The intrusive nature of these thoughts can make individuals question their moral character and sanity, leading to increased anxiety and isolation.

Recognizing Symptoms of Harm OCD

It is essential to recognize the symptoms of Harm OCD to understand if you or someone you know is experiencing this condition. Common signs of Harm OCD include:

1. Intrusive Thoughts: Involuntary and distressing thoughts of causing harm, even when the individual has no intention or desire to do so.

2. Compulsions, such as:

1. Mental Rituals: Engaging in repetitive mental rituals, such as praying, counting, or seeking reassurance, to alleviate anxiety triggered by the intrusive thoughts.

2. Physical Rituals: Performing repetitive physical rituals, such as handwashing or checking behaviors, to prevent perceived harm from occurring.

3. Avoidance Behaviors: Avoiding situations or people that trigger the intrusive thoughts, leading to social withdrawal and isolation.

3. Emotional Distress: Feeling intense guilt, shame, and anxiety about the presence of these thoughts and fears of acting on them.

Seeking Help for Harm OCD

If you or someone you know is struggling with Harm OCD, there is hope and effective help available. Seeking help from a qualified mental health professional experienced in treating OCD is the best step towards healing. A therapist or counselor can provide a safe and non-judgmental space for you to discuss your symptoms, teach you about OCD, and provide treatment options. Research shows that Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) is consistently the most effective form of therapy for OCD. It involves confronting the intrusive thoughts and situations that trigger anxiety, without engaging in the compulsive behaviors that temporarily relieve distress. Over time, ERP helps to desensitize you to the thoughts and reduces their power over your daily life. Often, therapists combine ERP with aspects of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy to help prepare their clients to nonjudgmentally accept the existence of their thoughts and emotions and respond to them in a more balanced way. In some cases, medication, such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), may be prescribed to help manage the symptoms of Harm OCD, in conjunction with ERP. Consult a psychiatrist to determine if medication is suitable for your specific situation.

Conclusion

Living with Harm OCD can be an overwhelming and distressing experience, but you don't have to face it alone. Seeking help from a qualified mental health professional experienced in treating OCD can set you on a path to healing and empowerment. Remember that Harm OCD does not define your character or intent, and you can learn to manage and overcome its challenges through evidence-based therapies like CBT and ERP. Be patient with yourself as you embark on this journey, and know that with the right support, there is hope for a brighter and more fulfilling future ahead. You deserve to live a life free from the chains of Harm OCD, and with determination and support, you can achieve it.

By Kaitlin Lowey: Book with her here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/KaitlinLowey

Understanding Sexual Orientation OCD: Seeking Help and Finding Hope

By Kaitlin Lowey: Book with her here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/KaitlinLowey

Sexual orientation is a fundamental aspect of human identity, but for some individuals, uncertainty and doubt can lead to distressing thoughts about their sexual identity. Sexual Orientation OCD is a specific form of OCD that revolves around fears, doubts, and intrusive thoughts related to one's sexual orientation. If you are struggling with Sexual Orientation OCD, know that you are not alone, and there is hope for finding understanding, acceptance, and effective help. In this blog post, we will delve into the complexities of Sexual Orientation OCD and explore ways to seek support on your journey to healing.

Understanding Sexual Orientation OCD

Sexual Orientation OCD is characterized by obsessive and intrusive thoughts, doubts, and fears about one's sexual orientation. Individuals with this condition often experience distressing thoughts that they might be gay, lesbian, bisexual, or another orientation, even if their true sexual orientation does not align with these thoughts. It is important to note that sexual orientation is a natural and diverse aspect of human identity and should not be confused with OCD-related obsessions.

Symptoms of Sexual Orientation OCD

The symptoms of Sexual Orientation OCD can manifest differently from person to person, but common signs include:

1. Intrusive Thoughts: Recurring, distressing, and unwanted thoughts about one's sexual orientation. These thoughts might occur frequently, taking up hours of an individual’s time each day. 

2. Compulsions: Behaviors or mental rituals undertaken to neutralize the anxiety caused by the intrusive thoughts. These might include seeking reassurance from others, researching or seeking evidence of sexual orientation, or avoiding situations that trigger the thoughts.

3. Emotional Distress: Feelings of shame, guilt, anxiety, and confusion about one's true sexual orientation.

4. Impact on Daily Life: The obsessions and compulsions associated with Sexual Orientation OCD can significantly interfere with daily activities, relationships, and overall well-being.

Seeking Help for Sexual Orientation OCD

1. Reach Out to a Mental Health Professional who Specializes in OCD: Since sexual orientation OCD is less common than typical manifestations of OCD including contamination, checking, ordering, unacceptable thoughts, and hoarding, sexual orientation OCD can be misunderstood and misdiagnosed by mental health clinicians as dysphoria due to denial of one’s “true” sexual orientation. That’s why seeking help from a qualified mental health professional with experience in treating OCD and related conditions is essential.

2. Therapists can provide a safe, non-judgmental space for you to discuss your thoughts and feelings and work on developing coping strategies. Your therapist will educate you on OCD and its various manifestations to help you better understand the condition. You will also learn about the best treatment approaches and options, such as ERP. 

3. Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP): ERP is the gold standard for OCD treatment. It is a specific technique within CBT that involves deliberately facing the fears and anxieties associated with your OCD without resorting to the compulsions that temporarily relieve distress. This process helps to reduce the power of the intrusive thoughts over time.

4. Medication: In some cases, medication, such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), may be prescribed to help manage the symptoms of Sexual Orientation OCD. Consult a psychiatrist to determine if medication is suitable for your specific situation.

5. Support Groups: Connecting with others who have experienced or are experiencing Sexual Orientation OCD can be reassuring and validating. Consider joining online or in-person support groups to share your experiences and learn from others.

Conclusion

Sexual Orientation OCD can be a distressing and isolating condition, but with the right help and support, healing and acceptance are possible. Remember that your sexual orientation is valid, and intrusive thoughts do not define who you are. Seeking professional help from a mental health provider experienced in treating OCD can be a significant step towards managing and overcoming Sexual Orientation OCD. By educating yourself, seeking support, and engaging in evidence-based therapies, you can embark on a path of understanding, acceptance, and healing. Be patient with yourself and know that there is hope for a brighter and more empowered future ahead.

By Kaitlin Lowey: Book with her here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/KaitlinLowey

Cultivate A Secure Attachment Style... without Being Anxious or Avoidant

All relationships are unique - one explanation won't describe them all

Every human being craves a sense of belonging, either toward family, friends, or a spouse. When humans become attached to someone, the influence of one on the other regulates their natural states. It influences each other's psychological and emotional well-being.

Humans need to form close bonds with others in order to feel secure and safe in life.

Relationship problems can be excruciating; they encompass the innermost core of people's lives.

No one has a finite description that fits the bill as each case of relationship issues is unique and personal, coming from an endless number of possible root causes.

You may suffer from constant tension and emotional problems if your partner cannot meet your basic needs, which can have severe consequences on your emotional well-being, self-esteem, and even physical health. That's why it's essential to understand your attachment style and the attachment style of people close to you, especially your spouse. 

Research has shown there are three main attachment styles or manners in which people see, understand, and respond to intimacy in romantic relationships. These findings are parallel to those found in children:

•   Secure attachment style

•   Anxious attachment style

•   Avoidant attachment style

If you are someone with an anxious attachment style, you'll spend a lot of time worrying and thinking about whether your partner loves or cares for you. You will also be bothered about if they're spending enough time with you and what is going on in their mind when they don't call you back within a few minutes of missing your call.

The avoidant attachment style indicates that you value your independence and time alone more than your relationship. A secure attachment style fits between both styles. It is an ideal balance between caring enough and not worrying too much.

People with each of these attachment styles show lots of differences in:

•   The way they see intimacy and togetherness.

•   The way they deal with conflict.

•   Their behavior towards sex.

•   Their ability and means to communicate their wishes and needs.

•   Their expectations and desires from their partner and the relationship.

• In this summary, you will learn more about how you develop attachments to other people and how to enhance your relationships and become closer. After all, isn't that what we all want?

Attachment styles are dictated by your upbringing

Your current attachment style is determined by how you were cared for as a baby. In other words, if your parents were sensitive, available, and responsive, you would have a secure attachment style. If your parents were inconsistent and inappropriately responsive, you would likely develop an anxious attachment style. If they were distant, rigid, uncaring, and unresponsive, you would probably display an avoidant attachment style.

But this doesn't mean you can't change your attachment style over time; you would need to have positive experiences with partners, friends, and family members in order to turn the tide to help rewire your brain into thinking a new way.

The way you were treated as a child affects your life in a huge way. You learn how to love, feel, and react from your parents.

However, total change isn't always necessary.

Sometimes it's better to understand your current style of attachment, work out the negative elements and twist them into something positive, and learn to get the most out of your situation.

Someone with an anxious attachment style can learn to be more at ease when away from their partner. That doesn't mean they're instantly going to be comfortable with it and have no issues from that point onwards. It simply means that they're making baby steps towards changing a harmful habit. Whether a person can ever entirely change their attachment style is very debatable. What you can do is identify your partner's attachment style and be more understanding.

Did you know? The "dependency paradox" states that the closer you are to your partner, the more independent you're able to become on your own.

It means that you know you have someone close to you if you need support or help.

When you understand attachment, you're able to connect more meaningfully with other people.

Understanding your specific attachment profile will help you know yourself more, achieve more goals, and guide you in your relations with others, bringing happiness and fulfillment to your relationships.

When people hear about relationship attachment styles, they usually have no difficulty recognizing their style. Some people declare right away, "I'm anxious," "I'm avoidant," or, "I think I'm secure," while others have a more challenging time figuring it out.

Attachment styles are stable most of the time but still subject to change.

If you find it difficult figuring out your attachment style, the following guide will help:

•   If you feel quite relaxed around your partner and you're not constantly questioning the connection, you're secure in your union.

•   Suppose you desire and long for intimacy and closeness, but you have many insecurities, are unsure where the relationship is going, and little things your partner does sets you off and anger you. In this case, you're probably anxious.

• You're probably avoidant if you feel uncomfortable when things become steamy and intimate, or you value your independence and freedom more than any relationship.

Discovering other people's attachment styles is usually more stringent than identifying your own. You alone know yourself best, but knowing yourself is not just how you behave; it's also what you feel and think when in a relationship. To make this easier, most people give away all the clues about their attachment style by how they live their lives and their actions without even knowing it. The deal is to know what to look for.

Golden Rules for discovering your partner's attachment style:

•   Find out whether they seek intimacy and closeness.

•   Discover how preoccupied and involved they are with the relationship and how sensitive they are to rejection.

•   Don't focus on one "symptom," look for various signs.

• Assess their reaction to effective communication.

•   Be alert and look for what they are not saying or doing                                                               

  Things to note before getting serious with a partner

• When getting involved with someone, carefully tread; the stakes are high, and your happiness depends on it, especially true if you have an anxious attachment style. All happiness or unhappiness solely depends upon the quality of the object to which love attaches us.

• People with an anxious attachment style are quick to notice changes in others' emotional expressions. They are also sensitive to other people's cues. However, they also jump to conclusions very quickly, and when they do, they tend to misinterpret people's emotional states.

• Practicing patience is an essential lesson for someone with an anxious attachment style.

• If you can wait a little longer before reacting and jumping to conclusions, you will be able to understand the world around you and use it to your advantage.

  If you're anxious, you may want to learn a lot about dating someone avoidant because of the following reasons:

• You want closeness and intimacy, and they want to maintain some distance - emotionally and physically.

• You are very sensitive to any rejection, and they send mixed signals that you often interpret as rejection.

• You often find it challenging to read verbal and non-verbal cues during communication and they don't think it's their responsibility to do so. 

• You need to be reassured, shown love, and feel loved, but they tend to put you down to create distance as a means to deactivate their own attachment system.                                                

• Effective communication means that you communicate in a way that is inoffensive and does not put your partner on the spot but allows them to be open with you without feeling attacked, criticized, or blamed.

Learn what suppresses your ability to attach to others in a meaningful way

Your attachment style decides what you expect in relationships, how you interpret and see romantic situations, and how you behave with your date or partner.

Avoidant attachment types may try to keep people at a distance, even in a serious relationship.

Here are some popular strategies that suppress one's attachment system:

•   Acting or thinking, "I'm not ready to commit"

•   Focusing on minute imperfections in your partner

•   Flirting with others without caring about your partner's thoughts

•   Not saying, "I love you," often

•   Avoiding physical closeness

If you're avoidant, you may unconsciously act out these small, everyday deactivating strategies to ensure that the person you love won't get in the way of your freedom.

Imagine if a parent couldn't read their infant's cues. The parent wouldn't tell whether their baby is hungry or tired, wanting to be held or left alone, wet or sick. How difficult life would be for the baby and the parents. The baby would have to labor hard and cry so much longer to be understood.

An avoidant attachment style can often make you feel like this. You will not be firm at translating the many verbal and nonverbal signals you receive during everyday interactions into a coherent understanding of your lover's mental state, causing a lot of problems in your relationship.

However, the good news is that there are things you can start doing today to stop pushing love away, such as:

•   Identifying deactivating strategies.

•   Removing emphasis on self-reliance and focusing on mutual support.

•   Being with a very secure partner.

•   Knowing your tendency to misinterpret behaviors.

Avoidants should embrace the idea of finding a partner who is a fit for them to help push down their avoidant behaviors and thoughts so they can focus on the positives.

Cultivate the secure attachment style to enjoy higher levels of satisfaction.

Many experts agree those with avoidant attachment styles tend to be less happy and satisfied in their relationships, because they can never totally connect with their partner. They will always have something on their minds that makes them question whether it's right, safe, and appropriate to be there.

It is believed that each attachment style evolved and improved to increase the survival chances of humans in particular environments.

Studies have demonstrated that individuals with a secure attachment style report higher satisfaction levels in their relationships than people with other attachment styles. Happiness is the primary measure of satisfaction.

People with a secure attachment style are more likely than others to forgive their partner for wrongdoing. Secure people naturally dwell less on the negative and can turn off upsetting emotions without becoming defensively distant.

People with secure attachment styles fare better in relationships and create fantastic effects, raising their insecure partner's relationship satisfaction and functioning to a greater level.

So, if you're with someone secure, they will nurture you into a more confident stance.

Some of the following characteristics influence every aspect of romantic relationships:

•   Great conflict deflators

•   Mentally flexible and smart

•   Effective and great communicators (NVC)

•   Avoids game playing

•   Comfortable with closeness and boundaries

•   Quick to forgive

•   Practices and views sex and emotional intimacy as one

•   Treats their partners like royalty, with respect

•   Secure and confident in their power to improve the relationship

•   Responsible for their partners' overall wellbeing

There is evidence to show that a secure attachment style doesn't originate from a single source. Many factors, aside from parenting, such as genes and romantic experiences as adults, come together to create a safe attachment pattern.

Making a secure base for your partner entails that you do the following:

•   Manage conflict effectively 

•   Don't play games

•   Be comfortable with closeness

•   Set boundaries

•   Be quick to forgive

• Learn more about Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples

•   Have mental flexibility

•   Communicate compassionately and effectively

•   Be secure in your power to improve the relationship

•   Treat your partner like royalty

• Non-violent Communication NVC Skills can help tremendously 

Conclusion

Genes sometimes affect the way we act and the decisions we make. However, to become attracted and attached to another, we must use our willpower and focus on learning the nature of attachment to create healthy and strong connections. Connections are essential for a happy life, after all.

Always remember that your attachment needs are legitimate. Do not feel bad for depending on the person you are closest to - it is part of your genetic makeup. A relationship or attachment should make you feel more confident, happier and give you peace of mind. If it doesn't, this is a wake-up call to make things better. Above all, remain true to your authentic self; avoid playing games - it will only distance you from your ultimate goal of finding real joy and happiness, be it with your current partner or someone else.

It's easy to focus on the things you deem to be negative about yourself, but the truth is that nobody is perfect; we all have strengths and weaknesses. Concentrating on your weaknesses too much will not allow your strengths to shine, and as such, you'll beat yourself up for minor mistakes you make. Relationships are about give and take but there also about trust and weaknesses. Concentrating on your weaknesses too much will not allow your strengths to shine, and as such, you'll beat yourself up for minor mistakes you make. Relationships are about give and take, but they're also about trust and forgiveness.

It's time for a bit of soul searching. Do you avoid commitment, or do you run towards it too fast?

How do you interact with your partner? Do you truly listen to them, or do you speak over them all the time? Sometimes we make small mistakes without realizing it, purely because they're part of our genetic makeup. However, that doesn't mean you can't identify them and then work to change their adverse effects.

Try this:

• Practice using NVC Nonviolent Communication (aka Compassionate Communication).

• Learn to listen as much as you speak! Effective communication isn't just about saying words in the right way; it's also about listening to your partner and reading body language to get the whole picture.

• Identify your attachment style. Do you avoid attachment out of fear? Understanding your attachment style will allow you to make progress and overcome any blocks between you and relationship happiness   

• Have trust and patience in your partner.

• Learn about the Gottman Approach.

Sometimes it takes people a little longer to open up, and that's okay! Rushing the situation will only lead to a negative outcome. Take your time!

Book an appointment with Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney to learn more about your attachment style:

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ElizabethMahaneyLMHCMFTPhD

Transform Anger Into Connection

Transforming anger into an opportunity for connection and growth in intimate relationships is possible through the practice of Nonviolent Communication (NVC).

When anger arises in a relationship, couples often fall into destructive communication patterns, exacerbating the initial pain and creating a cycle of suffering. However, NVC offers a way to break this cycle and foster understanding and connection.

Marshall Rosenberg's insight into anger helps shed light on its underlying dynamics. When someone is angry, it indicates a strong need that they urgently want to be met. However, in an attempt to ensure their needs are met, they may employ moralistic rules, which often lead to unpleasant treatment of others. Recognizing these underlying needs and shifting the focus from moralistic rules to unmet needs is crucial for transforming anger into understanding and connection.

To identify the unmet needs behind anger, it is important to look beyond the rules and reactions of the person expressing anger. One approach is to set aside one's own reactions and inquire about the person's upset. Asking questions like, "When I hear that you are upset about this, it tells me there was a way you wanted to be treated that didn't happen. Am I right?" opens up the conversation and invites the person to share their perspective.

Continuing the exploration of unmet needs, asking questions about the ideal way they would have liked to be treated can help uncover their desires and dreams for the relationship. This can include questions such as, "If you could have been treated in a way that was perfect for you, what would that look like? What would have happened?" This process encourages them to think about the positive outcomes they envision and articulate their needs more explicitly.

The answers provided serve as clues to identify their unmet needs. By presenting different possibilities and allowing them to decide what resonates, it becomes easier to narrow down and understand their specific needs. This process is akin to trying on different clothes until the right fit is found. It requires empathy, active listening, and an open mind to accurately grasp the underlying needs being expressed.

By delving deeper into their needs and offering empathy and understanding, the initial anger can be transformed into a sense of relief, relaxation, and genuine connection. This process of uncovering and addressing needs is a form of deep empathy that brings joy and closeness to the relationship.

While learning this approach may take time and practice, it cultivates a sense of eagerness to explore the needs underlying anger and fosters a stronger bond between partners. Through NVC, anger can be seen as an opportunity for growth, understanding, and strengthening the connection in intimate relationships.