SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY FREE RESOURCES BLOG
The Power of Listening in Communication
Listening can be a powerful tool to help get to a place of greater understanding. Listening depends on silence. The ability to let go, even temporarily, of your own thoughts, views, and agenda for the conversation, in order to be fully present and listen to the person in front of you.
Why do we communicate? Communication is the key to understanding. Understanding helps to create a quality of connection sufficient to work together and collaborate, and to attend to our needs.
“The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention….” -Rachel Naomi Remen.
Listening can be a powerful tool to help get to a place of greater understanding. Listening depends on silence. The ability to let go, even temporarily, of your own thoughts, views, and agenda for the conversation, in order to be fully present and listen to the person in front of you.
Listening can help build trust and good will between two people.
There are three basic ways to listen:
The first is silent, present listening. This entails letting go of your own thoughts and agenda, in order to be fully engaged with the person you are communicating with. Try to get curious about what the other person is communicating. Think of yourself as an eager student listening to an exciting lecture. Your role is to listen and gather as much information and understanding as possible. Try to come from a place of wanting to connect and understand through listening.
The second way to practice active listening is to utilize one of two skills: paraphrasing or summarizing. Paraphrasing is to restate what the person just shared with you, exactly in their own words. There are no additional words, meanings, or questions attached to the paraphrase.
Here is a simple example:
Speaker: “I have been feeling sad and lonely this past week”.
Listener: “You have been feeling sad and lonely this past week”
Summarizing is something you can utilize AFTER you have listened to the speaker share their full story. A summary is a more condensed version of what you just listened to, but it still includes all the main points that the speaker just shared. Think of a summary as what you would find online about a book or movie that you are wanting to understand the meaning of- it has the gist of the story and the main themes, without all the specific details. Utilizing the skill of summarizing allows the speaker to see that you were truly listening and trying to understand what they shared. It also allows the speaker a chance to correct or clarify anything that may have been misunderstood. A good summary shows that you are a good listener.
The third way to practice intentional listening is to utilize a skill known as empathetic reflection. This is very similar to the paraphrase skill; in that it mirrors what the speaker just shared with you. However, the key difference in an empathetic reflection is that it must include both the feeling the speaker is experiencing, as well as the reason for that feeling.
Here is a simple example:
Speaker: “I’m feeling really anxious about tomorrow. I have my big annual review with my supervisor.”
Empathetic reflection: “You feel anxious because you have your annual review with your supervisor tomorrow.”
Notice how the sentence includes the feeling word: anxious; as well as the reason for that feeling: an upcoming annual review with a supervisor. Empathetic reflections are so helpful because it allows the speaker to see that you are not only actively listening to what they just shared, but that you are willing to understand how they feel even if it is uncomfortable for you. Think of empathy as feeling into or feeling with the other person. You do not have to share the person’s feelings in order to empathize with them. It’s best to utilize the same words that the speaker shared in your empathic reflection. Keep it simple and remember that if you are actively listening, you will hear clues as to how the speaker is feeling, and the reason for that feeling- which are the 2 pieces you need for your empathic reflection.
People thrive and grow when they feel understood. Which is why active listening can be one of the most powerful healers for difficult conversations. Practice utilizing the 3 basic ways to listen and see how it can transform your conversations to create more understanding and connection.
Written by: Jamie Rudden
“Words are Windows
(or They’re Walls)
I feel so sentenced by your words,
I feel so judged and sent away,
Before I go I’ve got to know
Is that what you mean to say?
Before I rise to my defense,
Before I speak in hurt or fear,
Before I build that wall of words,
Tell me, did I really hear?
Words are windows, or they’re walls,
They sentence us, or set us free.
When I speak and when I hear,
Let the love light shine through me.
There are things I need to say,
Things that mean so much to me,
If my words don’t make me clear,
Will you help me to be free?
If I seemed to put you down,
If you felt I didn’t care,
Try to listen through my words
To the feelings that we share.”
Exploring Healthy Relationships
Whether we like it or not from the minute we are born we are involved in relationships with others, whether that be a mother, a father, a sibling, a friend, or a romantic partner. Relationships can be difficult to manage at times and might even become toxic. One might be wondering, what are healthy relationships and what do they look like? This blog post will talk more about this very topic.
Healthy relationships are relationships that individuals have with one another person that brings each person joy and happiness most of the time. These relationships should be equal in balance (What do healthy relationships look like, 2022). Meaning that each person in the relationship has an equal amount of say and freedom. Healthy relationships take the work of both parties involved. Not one person should be more in power or put in more effort than the other. This means that partners need to compromise and come together to build a stronger relationship. The key components of healthy relationships are:
Respect: partners must respect one another on all levels to form a healthy relationship. This might look like being open to what the other is saying, thinking, or feeling and allowing them the space to do so. Respect for some individuals is earned over time. That is why it is important to be authentically you. Allow the other person to see who you are. Respect must be given by both partners. That means that both partners need to have mutual respect, even if it is on a basic level. Another way to express respect in relationships is by upholding the other person’s boundaries.
Boundaries: boundaries are rules and or lines that are set by each partner on what they think is acceptable behavior and what is not. Keeping firm boundaries with each partner is a form of having order and structure in the relationship. These boundaries need to be clearly communicated to the other partner.
Open Communication: keeping a line of open communication in relationships is vital. This might look like telling your partner what you are thinking or how you are feeling. Not communicating your wants, needs, or plans can cause unwarranted conflict or resentment. Having those open lines of communication allows each partner to be vulnerable with the other, which in turn builds trust.
Trust: trust is another very important topic in relationships. One must feel comfortable enough with the other person to know that they will not try to intentionally hurt them or spill their confidential information to others. This might look like allowing your partner to help you work on a project or to tell them something you haven’t before. If there is no trust in the relationship, then the intimacy and compassion between partners cannot grow.
Honesty: Being honest with your partner can be very difficult. Especially if you know that the truth might hurt their feelings. However, being honest lends itself to having respect for your partner and honoring the open lines of communication. Meaning that if the truth is not said, then it can hurt or destroy the respect, open communication, and boundaries you have built with your partner.
Consent: Consent in relationships truly embodies all the points we have covered thus far. From respecting one another and building boundaries, knowing what your partner agrees to and does not agree to is very important when respecting that person and building a healthy relationship. Consent does not just involve sexual experiences it can also encompass touching some physically (not sexual in nature), meeting each other’s family, going somewhere.
Although these guidelines for healthy relationships are written in a way that applies more to romantic relationships, these concepts of healthy relationships apply to all kinds of relationships. Whether it be with friends, parents, siblings, or extended family members healthy relationships can be made and maintained with anyone in your life. If you are not sure if you are having a healthy relationship with someone, take a minute to thinks about these guidelines. Are there boundaries in this relationship? Are you being respected? Are there lines of healthy communication? If not maybe it is time to sit down and make these ideas a reality or maybe seek further help from a professional.
By Bailey McConnell, MHCI
Resources
Roffey, S. (2017). Learning healthy relationships. In Positive Psychology Interventions in
Practice (pp. 163-181). Springer, Cham.
What do healthy relationships look like? New York State. (2022, February 9). Retrieved from https://www.ny.gov/teen-dating-violence-awareness-and-prevention/what-does-healthy-relationship-look
Book an appointment with Bailey McConnell, MHCI:
https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/BaileyMcConnellMFTI
Turning Toward vs Turning Away vs Turning Against
A bid is any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection. Bids show up in simple ways, a smile or wink, and more complex ways, like a request for advice or help. In general, women make more bids than men, but in the healthiest relationships, both partners are comfortable making all kinds of bids.
Bids can get tricky, however, and admittedly I sometimes miss more bids than I don’t. Indeed many men struggle in this regard, so it’s important to pay attention. Bids usually have a secondary layer – the true meaning behind the words.
Turning Towards Instead of Away
Let’s say your eccentric uncle Kevin gives you $10,000 on your wedding day. The only catch is that you have to invest it for six years with one of two firms that Kevin suggests. Firm A is well respected on Wall Street for both its ethics and its returns, and most clients are very happy even with sometimes modest gains. Firm B guarantees they’ll squander your money and blame you for it. Which one would you choose?
Or let’s say that on your wedding day, you get a diagnosis of a rare blood disease that usually kills its victims within six years. Your wacky aunt Cathy had that same disease and she knows of the only two doctors in the world that work with it. One doctor is actively doing research, testing new treatments, and curing patients with great success. The other is a drunk. Which doctor would you choose?
Or let’s say that on your wedding day, the universe starts a giant egg timer set for six years. When the egg timer goes off, you’ll either be divorced or you won’t. You’ve heard the rumor that 50% of marriages end in divorce, but Kevin and Cathy know some tips that can increase your odds of making it. More importantly, they know of a single strategy that would virtually guarantee that you would divorce before the timer went off. Would you want to know it?
Of course you would. You would invest with Firm A. You would choose the sober doctor. And you will do whatever it takes to ensure that you protected yourself from divorce. As it turns out, your aunt and uncle are onto something: there really is a secret.
As part of his research, Dr. Gottman conducted a study with newlyweds and then followed up with them six years later. Many of the couples had remained together. Many had divorced. The couples that stayed married were much better at one thing — the third level of the Sound Relationship House, Turn Towards Instead of Away. At the six-year follow up, couples that had stayed married turned towards one another 86% of the time. Couples that had divorced averaged only 33% of the time. The secret is turning towards.
I think this is a pretty incredible piece of data. It suggests that there is something you can today that will dramatically change the course of your relationship. More importantly, it suggests that there is something that you can not do that will lead to its demise. So, how do you turn towards instead of away? In order to understand turning, you have to first understand bids.
A bid is any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection. Bids show up in simple ways, a smile or wink, and more complex ways, like a request for advice or help. In general, women make more bids than men, but in the healthiest relationships, both partners are comfortable making all kinds of bids.
Bids can get tricky, however, and admittedly I sometimes miss more bids than I don’t. Indeed many men struggle in this regard, so it’s important to pay attention. Bids usually have a secondary layer – the true meaning behind the words. Call it the the difference between text and subtext. A few examples to get your brain going:
How do I look?Can I have your attention?
Let’s put the kids to bed.Can I have your help?
I talked to my sister today.Will you chat with me?
Did I tell you the one about…?Will you enjoy me?
Want to cuddle?Can I have your affection?
Want to play Cribbage?Will you play with me?
I had a terrible lunch meeting today.Will you help me destress?
To “miss” a bid is to “turn away.” Turning away can be devastating. It’s even more devastating than “turning against” or rejecting the bid. Rejecting a bid at least provides the opportunity for continued engagement and repair. Missing the bid results in diminished bids, or worse, making bids for attention, enjoyment, and affection somewhere else.
It is important that you learn to recognize bids and that you commit to making them to one another. Make the word “bids” part of your conversation and perhaps name your bids toward one another. It’s okay to say, “I’m making a bid for attention now” as you get to know each other in this early phase of your relationship. You can also practice discerning subtext together. Pick a show that is new to you both and watch it on mute. See if you can interpret the bids that the characters are making based only on non-verbals. Once you start to get intentional about your bids, you can concentrate on “turning towards.”
Turning towards starts with paying attention. Your work on bids will come in handy here. Simply recognizing that a bid has been made opens the door to response. If you’ve really been paying attention, you’ll respond to both the text and the subtext. As bids get more complicated, so will the nature of turning toward. For now, start simple. Take an inventory of the bids and turning in your relationship and share your responses with one another.
What do I know about how I make bids?
Could or should I get better at making bids? How?
How good am I at recognizing the difference between text and subtext?
What keeps me from making bids?
What is my impulse for turning?
Do I turn away or against more often than I turn towards?
When it comes to turning towards, am I closer to 33% or 86%?
What does it feel like when my partner doesn’t turn towards me?
How can I get better at turning towards?
As you continue moving through life together, you will undoubtedly have to risk heading into more vulnerable territory. This will be easier if you’ve committed to building a solid friendship based on Building Love Maps, Sharing Fondness and Admiration, and Turning Towards Instead of Away. Your eccentric uncle Kevin and wacky aunt Cathy would be proud.
Source: https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/
What "Turning Against' Really Means
In our post on Monday, we discussed Dr. Gottman’s findings on the deeply destructive nature of “turning against” your partner’s bids. “Turning against” or “away” describes the behaviors in your interactions between you and your partner that, upon accumulation, categorically spell disaster for your relationship. Today, we would like to part the storm clouds a bit by offering you findings from Dr. Gottman’s research about the true causes of much of the behavior we described on Monday – the real reasons for which your partner may “turn against” you, lash out unexpectedly, or say things that they don’t really mean. We share this information with you in hopes that it will help you to learn the ways in which you can manage conflict constructively. We would like, in short, to offer you help in coping with the most trying interactions in your relationship.
The first step in building the skills that Dr. Gottman teaches in his marital therapy is understanding – answering the question that may come up when such interactions unexpectedly throw themselves into your life – when your partner snaps at you out of nowhere. Dr. Gottman has discovered that there is an enormous difference between what you think your partner is saying when they “turn against” your bids and what their behavior’s cause usually is! Here is what Dr. Gottman has found “turning against” says and what it actually means.
“Turning Against” Says:
Your need for attention makes me angry.
I feel hostile towards you.
I don’t respect you.
I don’t value you or this relationship.
I want to hurt you.
I want to drive you away.
“Turning Against” Usually Means: In a direct quote from Dr. Gottman himself, “Unlike ‘turning away’ responses, ‘turning against’ has a bite to it. It’s hard to hear such responses without thinking, ‘That’s mean’ or ‘That was uncalled for.’ Still, I doubt that most people who turn against their loved ones really intend to cause as much harm to their relationships as they do in these exchanges. Rather, they may simply have developed a personal style of relating that’s characteristically crabby or irritable.” Dr. Gottman’s research has revealed that such prickliness is often “the result of many factors, such as having too many demands on your time, not having enough peace of mind, or the lack of a satisfying purpose or direction for your life. Often it’s a spillover of self-criticism that has its origins in the distant past. The problem may also be biologically based irritability that is chemically related to depression.”
Whatever the source may be of your partner’s choice to “turn against” your bids for attention, affection, or support, it still hurts. Sometimes, it hurts a LOT. The build up of ignored bids can end up causing long-term problems in relationships. When your partner habitually responds to you by “turning against” your bids for connection, you feel that you can’t ask them for support and the two of you may drift apart entirely, because it feels impossible to sustain your relationship. Again, we have to stress: You are not alone! Hopefully understanding that the underlying causes for your partner’s behavior are rarely as malicious as they may feel, that what they say and what they mean are usually oceans apart, can help you to take these sudden attacks less personally.
Of course, these words offer sparse comfort on their own – to understand is only the first step in the journey towards moving away from dangerous patterns of interaction. But it is a necessary first step. We will take you through the next steps (applying this new knowledge) in the next few weeks on The Gottman Relationship Blog. For more details, make sure to find a copy of Dr. Gottman’s bestselling books in a bookstore near you: The Relationship Cure, Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, and of course, his new book, What Makes Love Last!
Source: https://www.gottman.com/blog/what-turning-against-really-means/
The Art of Comprise and Core Needs
A core need is something that you need to feel like yourself in any situation. When a core need is met you are able to be more present to what is actually happening, rather than being over-focused or desperate about that need. The desperation can be a symptom or a signal that a core need is not being met, and your mind is trying to address it by giving it your mental/emotional attention.
Core Needs Exercise
“Seek first to understand, then to be understood” -Stephen Covey
What is a Core Need?
A core need is something that you need to feel like yourself in any situation. When a core need is met you are able to be more present to what is actually happening, rather than being over-focused or desperate about that need. The desperation can be a symptom or a signal that a core need is not being met, and your mind is trying to address it by giving it your mental/emotional attention.
Consider, for example, that you are taking a long hike in the hills and after a few miles you reach for your water bottle and it isn’t where you thought you put it. Your mind will be driven to search for it, because on this hike adequate hydration is a core need. If you can’t find the water bottle and the sun is bearing down on you, then most of your actions are going to be focused on getting that water to meet that core hydration need. It is going to bug you, compel you and drive you until you can address the water issue. Once the water core need is met, you will be able to continue the hike and be more present to the fuller experience of your surroundings.
Here is another example: You work hard all day with mental problems and when you arrive home, your head is still mulling over those problems. There is an argument with family members soon after you arrive home. When you step back and look at what is actually happening, you discover your head is still in work mode from the day while you are trying to connect with your family members.
Therefore, you might have the core need of “transition time". To address that core need, one option might be a 30 minute buffer time to change clothes, acclimate to being home, and allow your head to power down from the flow of mental problem-solving.
Let us say you don’t get that buffer and you put yourself in the middle of the family. Most likely you will be pulled inside in two different directions: trying to disconnect mentally and emotionally from the work of the day and trying to connect in the present moment with the family. This often results in feelings of frustration and fights about things that usually are not stressful, because you are torn inside with competing interests. A 30-minute buffer and transition time--especially if the family understands your need and it makes sense to them--would make it more possible for you to “feel like yourself” at home and be more present to what is actually occurring there.
As you can see, core needs are by their nature inflexible: you NEED the water and you NEED your transition time or you will be hurting yourself physically and/or emotionally.
So in working things out with others, it is best not to compromise a core need. You function best from where you are flexible. You may find that as you discuss the issue of work/home transitions with your family, that they each have a core need to be “greeted” when you arrive home. Since you would know you are going to get your transition time, you might be flexible to delay it a few minutes so you could check in on each member and say hello. If there is an agreement about your transition time—your family knows you need your 30 minutes and they are aware of the benefit when you have that time--they could encourage you and support you in taking that time after the greeting. Everybody wins with these agreements, and compromise does not sacrifice any core needs.
NOTE: Core Needs are more possible to identify when you are applying this process to an actual situation, such as: when I get home in the afternoon from work I need a transition time, rather than a generalized core need say, to get “respect.” It is more effective to explore the core need of “ respect” IN the situation of when you arrive home from work. Be as specific about a circumstance as possible and avoid generalizations and “always” and “never” narratives.
____________________________________
This is the format for discovering core needs and flexible needs for each person in a relationship or just for your own insight into yourself.
Note:
• COMPROMISE happens in the FLEXIBLE NEEDS area of the circle. NOTE that there is a much larger circle for FLEXIBLE NEEDS than the CORE NEEDS. It is important to work to get the core needs circle as clear and accurate as possible. CORE NEEDS content will be smaller than the flexible needs. However, it may FEEL larger when trying to trick or convince someone to be flexible with a CORE NEED. This will create attention to the smaller circle and create a gridlock.
• Understanding and discovery happens in the core needs. Not compromise. These are non-flexible. And if they are flexible and that is ok, then they are still important to you but are not core needs but flexible.
• Sometimes you think something is a core need and you may find upon discussion it is actually flexible. Sometimes you find a flexible need might be core as you get insight. Allow continuing understanding to happen as you work with this.
It is often best to start learning this exercise using a very focused issue such as “where do we go on vacation’ or “what movie do we want to watch this weekend together.” You can choose “our marriage,” as a focus but know that this is a broader focus and might need to be broken down into areas of the marriage such as ‘friendship” or “parent” and "sexuality" "affection" and other areas. It is ok to choose“the marriage” as the focus, just know that if you get bogged down to bring the target focus into a more specific topic about “the marriage.” Then this can be done with many conversations instead of one big one. Marriage is actually one life-long conversation.
Once you each have completed your two lists, set a time aside to each have a turn where you listen to your partner's circles, and only ask questions for your understanding THEIR point of view. Once both have had a turn WITHOUT criticism or commentary, THEN, move into a discussion and how a negotiation and agreements can be made with the flexible/adaptive areas. This is to be done while valuing and protecting your partners core needs: the non-flexible areas. It is often amazing how many new options open up when a couple stops trying to change their own or their partner's core needs on an issue, and move to a discussion of the flexible areas. Happy couples do more than that. They PROTECT and ADVOCATE for their partner's core needs.
Use the GETTING TO YES questions A a guide to help come to a negotiated agreement regarding the issue or focus at hand:
Remember the principles of the Sound Relationship House below, especially avoiding the Four Horsemen! There are more instructive articles on the CORE NEEDS EXERCISE below.
“Seek first to understand, then to be understood”
"More than one thing can be true at the same time."
"There is nothing wrong with you, life it just far harder than you ever expected.
Yield to Win: Compromise like I am someone you love. The art of compromise exercise. Discuss the questions with your partner.
FOUR HORSEMEN SELF-TEST
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Criticism Defensiveness Contempt Stonewalling
The Four Horsemen
Criticism Self Test
Contempt and Defensiveness
Contempt Self Test
Defensiveness Self Test
Stonewalling Self Test
THE EMOTIONAL INTENSITY METER
The Relationship Research of Julie and John Gottman's book Why Marriages Succeed and Fail, calls it "diffuse physiological arousal" meaning that the part of both or your brains that warn of danger, Flight or Flight Response, has been activated and your body is in high self-defense alert. Your attention isn't in a "curious" mode but in either an attack, defensive or freeze (detached) state, meaning no one is really listening to learn anything new. Neuro-science has confirmed why people who are so bright, capable, and smart in so many situations appear shallow and unable to learn the simplest things in a committed relationship. Why? They are overwhelmed. They have not allowed themselves to calm down, as long as it take, before they reengage with the other person. In a calm state, reason toward what is actually happening or has happened becomes stronger than the emotion and a dialogue can happen that allows the possibility of new learning to take place.
Keep conversations
EFFECTIVE, HEALING and FEEL CLOSER
COMMON QUESTION: It seems like I have to get extremely mad at my mate to get their attention on things that matter to me. They get mad back at me and we talk, but it is a distant conversation. What keeps us from changing this pattern?
DON: Overwhelm.
Neither you nor your mate can learn anything new when either are overwhelmed. Neither of you are emotionally available for learning and to feel connected.
When the pulse is elevated around 100 or more beats per minute a person's brain and nervous system is what psychology now calls "flooded."
The Relationship Research of Julie and John Gottman's book Why Marriages Succeed and Fail, calls it "diffuse physiological arousal" meaning that the part of both or your brains that warn of danger, Flight or Flight Response, has been activated and your body is in high self-defense alert. Your attention isn't in a "curious" mode but in either an attack, defensive or freeze (detached) state, meaning no one is really listening to learn anything new. Neuro-science has confirmed why people who are so bright, capable, and smart in so many situations appear shallow and unable to learn the simplest things in a committed relationship. Why? They are overwhelmed. They have not allowed themselves to calm down, as long as it take, before they reengage with the other person. In a calm state, reason toward what is actually happening or has happened becomes stronger than the emotion and a dialogue can happen that allows the possibility of new learning to take place.
Nobody learns when overwhelmed except how to be mean (fight), run away faster (flight), or detach and give the angry person whatever words they need to hear so they will stop being so intense (freeze--appease).
Curiosity is in the GREEN on the Emotional Intensity Meter
You succeeded in getting your partner's attention, and you also guaranteed that nothing will change. Along with all of this another thing happens that makes this even harder, details will not be remembered accurately. And, I am sure you have ended up here because calm talking about the concern went unaddressed in a productive way. We will get to that shortly, but I want to answer your question fully first.
If you use our Emotionally Intensity Meter, you can see what happens to the brain and nervous system and therefore what a person is capable of at various levels of emotional arousal.
When a person is upset, making a very strong point over and over, or is listening and getting madder and madder, when their pulse hits around 90-100 beats per minute, they are flooded with intensity and changing the area of the brain that is function. They are now in a fight, flight or freeze mode and not open to reasoning or learning unless they calm down their pulse and emotionally become calmer.
On The EIM-Emotional Intensity Meter, that would put that person in the "red." They are not available to speak, listen, learn, nor be reasonable. And, if the conversation continues, the research shows it will end badly in minutes and sometimes seconds. It takes at least 20 minutes, but can take hours and for some people a day or two, before they can calmly and therefore more reasonably reengage about the topic that triggered the overwhelm. The longer either or both people keep talking in the "red" the longer it takes for the nervous and brain to calm to "green" on the EIM, which means calm.
Most people make the error to either keep talking in the red or not wait long enough to get into the green before re-engaging the topic. And since the topic is usually important in some way, the upset patterns happens over and over again, until the couple stop talking about it and that creates another set of problems that become more and more complicated.
So, your strategy gets their attention, but the part of his brain you really need to talk with that can learn and make reasonable decisions, is not home.
The bottom of the Emotional Intensity Meter is Blue, that is when you are starting to detach from the conversation and the other person and thoughts about wanting the conversation end appear or other types of distancing thoughts. When in the deep blue, you are not available for an engaged closeness conversation. You may feel calm but your partner will most likely experience that as “cold” and “you don’t care about me.” So deep blue or deep red are both signs of overwhelm and the need for a time out from the conversation and away from each other physically until calm returns.The Emotional Intensity Meter can be most helpful in both stopping prolonged arguing as well as a way to gauge when ready to try and have a repair conversation.
Note: It is common to mistake “numb (overwhelm” with calmness. You will know it is calmness when you feel “like yourself” again and you can see the negative impact on your behavior toward the other person and take responsibility for it as you also see to repair and address the issue at hand with the other person.
The GOAL: Keep conversations in the GREEN, and when they aren’t, take immediate TIME OUT, no less than 20 minutes and no more than 24 hours.
Non-Violent Communication Videos
Non-violent Communication
To Repair A Disagreement, Argument or Fight
Repair needs to be about dialogue and understanding, not debate and convince. Curiosity, interest, and compassion for self and other is needed. Otherwise, you will end the conversation feeling further distance from each other and worse than when you began. The goals is repair and to feel better and closer.
Instructions:
To Repair A Disagreement, Argument or Fight
From the Research on Couples Happiness and Unhappiness by Julie and John Gottman, Ph.D.
First some notes before you do the process, and then the process will follow:
NOTES TO CONSIDER BEFORE YOU BEGIN
1. You are processing a PAST event, not the present.
So, talk about how you felt in the PAST event, not how you feel right now.1.
For example,
• Do this: In that argument, I felt hurt, sad, and dismissed.
• Don’t do this: I feel angry at you now about that argument.
Reason for this Instruction: You are processing what happened in the past to feel more complete, so you can let go obsessing over it, learn from it and that will help you both feel closer. If your emotion is so strong now about the event, say in the “yellow” or “read” you are most likely flooded or soon to be. So, it is best to not do the exercise until you are calm, and you can check your pulse to see. If it is close to or over 100 beats, you need to calm before you do the repair. You both need to be in the “green” so reasonableness has a chance to stay steady. Being flooded isn’t wrong, it just means you are still hurting and need more time to calm, then do the exercise.
2. BOTH points of view are right.
It is important to remember, and remind yourself often, that a point of view is not an absolute reality. It is relative. Subjective. If you are flooded you will not be able to hear a point of view that you see differently without debating or being defensive. If you are in the green, you can be curious and interested in your partner’s inner world and see to understand instead of persuade them to your view. The goal of closeness happens when each person feels heard and understood in their world. That makes each open to reasonable consideration and influence.
• Do this: I hear that you saw. . .
• Don’t do this: What you saw isn’t right . . .
Reason for this instruction: Repair needs to be about dialogue and understanding, not debate and convince. Curiosity, interest, and compassion for self and other is needed. Otherwise, you will end the conversation feeling further distance from each other and worse than when you began. The goals is repair and to feel better and closer.
3. Save all persuasiveness to step 6.
Reason for this instruction: Happy couples in the research waited until both people felt understood and their viewpoint considered before asking for anything. Step 6 is the Ask.
4. In step 6, remember you are going to “try” something different next time.
That means it may work better or it may not. Either is helpful information for your knowledge database in yourself, your partner, and your relationship. So, keep the “trying” as experimental where you are both looking for what works bests and let that grow.
• Do this: I want to try and start soft when I have a complaint and wait until I am calm to talk.
• Don’t do this: I am going to be soft so that this doesn’t happen again.
5. Each person gets a turn on each step.
Start with emotions first. Don’t combine steps.
Reason for this instruction: The emotions drive the intensity of the conversation and the repair. By starting there it takes pressure off each person and helps focus on learning.
6. If you are flooded, in the red or rising in the yellow. Stop.
When emotion runs high and stays high in the "red," it is necessary to take a break until both people are in the green, or calm. This is the most common reason repair isn't made: too much emotional intensity. It is ok and necessary to stop and return later when one or both partners are flooded. This does not mean that you don't feel intensity. This does mean when the intensity rises and starts to stay high or emotional intensity becomes detached, you need to stop and come back later when calm or feeling more able to be emotionally engaged. Also, when either partner is "tuned out" or "detached," in the "blue," that is also a sign of being overwhelmed and reasonableness is also inhibited.
Reason for instruction: You cannot be yield to reasonableness, when you are flooded with emotions or detached from your emotions. When flooded (red) or detached (blue) you can make matters worse, but you can't make them better until you calm down enough to yield to reason.
7. The Language of Healing In A Repair Conversation
According to the research of Richard Schwartz, Ph.D. and his process of ifs-Internal Family Systems.
The 8 C’s That Heal by Richard Schwartz, Ph.D.
Calmness - (1.) a high degree of physiological and mental serenity regardless of the circumstance(s) (2.) the ability to react to triggers in your environment in less automatic and extreme ways(3.) to be less vulnerable to adopting the common fight-flight-freeze response when threatened. (Calmness experienced in dynamic degrees)
Curiosity - (1.) a strong desire to know or learn something new about a topic, situation or person (2.) to have a sense of wonder about the world and how things work(3.) genuinely interested in non-judgmentally understanding something or someone. (Curiosity experienced in dynamic degrees)
Clarity - (1.) the ability to perceive situations accurately without distortion from extreme beliefs and emotion s(2.) the ability to maintain one’s objectivity about a situation in which one has a vested interest (3.) the absence of preconception and objection (opposing) (4.) the ability to maintain a “beginner’s mind” in which many possibilities exist. (Clarity is experienced in dynamic degrees)
Compassion - (1.) to be open heartedly present and appreciative of others without feeling the urge to fix, change or distance from them (2.) an intuitive understanding that the suffering of others affects you because of your connectedness to them (3.) to simultaneously have empathy for others and a belief that the other has a Self that once released can relieve his or her own suffering. (Compassion is experienced in dynamic degrees)
Confidence - (1.) to maintain a strong personal knowledge in one’s ability to stay fully or as present as possible in a situation and handle or repair anything that happens with the belief that “no matter what, it’s all okay and will all work out the way that it can” (2.) to have the direct experience of being healed from previous traumas and learned from previous failures to such a degree that their effect does not spill into the present (3.) to understand that mistakes are only lessons to be learned. (Confidence is experienced in dynamic degrees)
Courage - (1.) strength in the face of threat, challenge or danger (2.) the willingness to take action toward a goal that you or others would find overwhelming(3.) the ability to recognize the damage we do to others then take action to make amends (4.) the willingness to reflect and “go inside” toward our own pain and shame, carefully examine it and act on what we see. (Courage is experienced in dynamic degrees)
Creativity - (1.) the use of the imagination to produce original ideas (2.) the ability to enter the “flow state” in which expression spontaneously flows out of us and we are immersed in the pleasure of the activity (3.) the ability to create generative learning and solutions to problems. (Curiosity is experienced in dynamic degrees)
Connectedness - (1.) the state of feeling a part of a larger entity such as a partnership, family, team, community, or organization (2.) a connection to a meaningful purpose or a "higher calling" above the circumstances of daily life (3.) to be in a relationship with someone who truly knows and accepts you for who you actually are(4.) to be able to relax your defenses with others as you know that judgement or controlling can happen and can addressed openly with options and have less fear of getting hurt because you have grown degrees of confidence that you can repair damage or misunderstandings when they occur. (Connectedness is experienced in dynamic degrees)
••••••••••••••••••
THE INSTRUCTIONS:
Step by Step Guide To Repair A Disagreement, Argument or Fight
I. FEELINGS
Go through the list and say the ones that you felt in the disagreement that needs repair. The more the better to help you express to your partner how you felt. This helps relieve the intensity about the past argument.
I felt defensive.
I felt listened to.
My feelings got hurt.
I felt understood.
I felt angry.
I felt sad.
I felt happy.
I felt misunderstood
I felt criticized.
I didn’t take my partner’s complaints personally.
I felt disliked by my partner.
I felt cared for.
I was worried.
I felt afraid.
I felt safe.
I was relaxed.
I felt right and my partner wrong.
I felt we were both partly right.
I felt out of control.
I felt in control.
I felt righteously indignant.
I felt that we were both morally justified in our views.
I felt picked on unfairly.
I felt appreciated.
I felt unappreciated.
I felt unattractive.
I felt attractive.
I felt morally outraged.
I felt taken for granted.
I didn’t feel taken for granted.
I felt like leaving.
I felt like staying and talking this through.
I was overwhelmed with emotion.
I felt calm.
I felt powerful.
I felt powerless.
I felt that I had no influence.
I felt I could be persuasive.
I felt as if my opinion didn’t even matter.
There was a lot of give and take.
I had not feelings at all.
I have no idea what I was feeling
I felt lonely.
I felt alienated.
Other feelings
II. Share your subjective reality.
Summarize your own personal point of view, your personal reality about the disagreement. What was your story?
III. Find something in your partner’s story that you can understand.
Try and see how your partner’s subjective point of view, their reality, make sense, given your partner’s perspective. Tell your partner about one piece of his or her reality that makes sense to you.
IV. What triggered in you during the disagreement.
What in your history, your childhood, life before this relationship became triggered during the conversation?
V. Accept some responsibility.
Admit your role in the conflict, what you did that made matters worse.
I have been very stressed and irritable lately.
I have not expressed much appreciation toward my partner lately.
I have I have been very stressed and irritable lately.
I have not expressed much appreciation toward my partner lately.
I have taken my partner for granted.
I have been highly sensitive lately.
I have been highly critical lately.
I have not shared very much of my inner world.
I have not been emotionally available.
I have been turning away from partner.
I have been getting easily upset.
I have been depressed lately.
I have had a chip on my shoulder lately.
I have not been affectionate.
I have not made time for good things between us.
I have not been a very good listener.
I have not been asking for what I need.
I have been feeling a bit like a martyr.
I have needed to be alone.
I have not wanted to take care of anybody.
(Add your own)
Overall, my contribution to this disagreement was __________ .
VI. Make it better in the future
This is where persuasion is appropriate. Not trying to manipulate, but asking for the favor of trying something different. By the time you get to this step, you both will clearly see possibilities to try differently next time. Be sure to start with what YOU will try next time. Then have your partner go. Then, what your "ask" is for your partner to try next time, and then, theirs for you. If the "ask" to too far of a stretch for either of you, adjust it to something you can try that is reasonable. Remember, it may not work out so whatever happens is ok to learn from and try again and again as you learn to care about yourself and each other.
1. One thing you could try next time? (Let each respond before moving to number 2)
2. One thing you would like your partner to try differently next time?
Fine-Tune Your Relationship
Why do some relationships last forever and others fall apart? Here are some ways you can make your partner feel appreciated again and prevent your relationship from becoming a casualty.
1. Treat your partner as you would your boss, best friend, or best customer.
2. Think about what your partner wants and give it to him or her.
3. Think of ways you can do the unexpected and be thoughtful. Remember how you acted when you wanted to win your partner over.
4. Pay attention to your appearance. Dress nicely; get into shape.
5. Express your thoughts carefully. Being married doesn't give anyone permission to let it all hang out.
6. Spend regular time together alone.
7. Look for ways to compliment your partner.
8. Hug when you say hello and goodbye. It feels good and it makes people feel loved.
9. Learn and practice communication skills. Relating successfully to another person requires a set of skills that can be learned.
10. Be polite. Just because you are married doesn't mean you can forget your manners.
11. When you want something, say please.
12. When your partner does something for you, say thank you.
13. When your partner comes home after a day at work, greet her at the door and say hello. Ask how her day went.
14. When your partner leaves for work in the morning, say goodbye and "I love you" or "Have a good day."
15. When your partner faces a challenge at work during the day, ask how it went when you get home.
16. During your evening meal together, avoid the temptation to watch television or read the paper or mail. Look at your partner and have a conversation.
17. If you want to make plans that affect how your partner will be spending time, check with him first and make sure it's convenient.
18. When you ask your partner a question, make eye contact and listen to the answer.
19. When you disagree with something your partner says, pay attention to your response. Do you express your opinion without putting her down? You can express your opinion assertively rather than aggressively. For example, you can say, "I have another opinion. I think we should wait until spring to have the walls painted," rather than, "That's silly! We should wait until spring."
20. Pay attention to how much of your side of the conversation is asking questions versus making statements. If you tend to be the dominant one, ask more questions.
21. Ask open-ended questions to encourage your partner to open up and talk. Open-ended questions begin like this:
a. Tell me about...
b. What do you think of...
c. What was it like when...
22. Have you become passive with your partner because that's the easiest way to avoid conflict? Over time, this is not a good idea. You will inevitably begin to build up feelings of resentment because you are stifling your feelings, thoughts, and opinions. If you think you are choosing passive behavior too often, think about discussing it with your partner and asking him to help you be more assertive.
23. Researchers have found that people whose marriages last the longest have learned to separate from their families of origin (their own parents and siblings) and have appropriate, healthy boundaries. They value and honor their own privacy and separateness as a couple. This means they have regular, appropriate contact with their extended family, but that it is not excessive or stifling. How do you compare?
24. Check your communication with your partner and beware of using "You" messages. These are statements that begin with you. For example:
You need to come home by 6:00 tonight.
You shouldn't do that.
You should call me from the office and tell me when you'll be home.
Here is what you ought to do.
"You" messages are damaging because they make the other person feel bad or disrespected. It feels like you are talking down to him or her.
25. If you want to demonstrate to your partner that you respect and esteem him or her, try speaking with "I" messages instead. When you start your statement with "I," you are taking responsibility for the statement. It is less blameful and less negative than the "you" message.
You can use this formula: Your feelings + Describe the behavior + Effect on you. This is how an "I" message sounds: When I heard that you'd planned a weekend up north, I was confused about why you hadn't asked me first, so I could be sure to get the time off. It takes some practice and you have to stop and think about what you are going to say, but your marriage deserves to be handled with care.
26. Make a list of your partner's positive qualities. Share them with him and tell her why you think each is true.
27. Ask your partner to do the same for you.
28. Respect each other's private space. Over time, many couples let this slide.
29. As the years pass, many couples begin to feel like they are living in the same house, but have parallel lives. Their paths cross in fewer places. What is the trend in your relationship and what do you want to do about it?
Check out: Connect With Your Partner: A Practical Activity Guide For Couples http://a.co/5t74ez6
Assertiveness Communication
Most of us know that assertiveness will get you further in life than being passive or aggressive. But few of us were actually taught how to be assertive. Here are some helpful tips.
1. Choose the right time. Imagine you're dashing down the hall on your way to a meeting. Lisa passes by. You call out, "Can you have the Microsoft project out by Tuesday?" Because you haven't scheduled a special time to bring up the issue, Lisa has no reason to think your request deserves high priority.
2. Choose the right place. Discuss important issues in a private, neutral location.
3. Be direct. For example, "Lisa, I would like you to work overtime on the Microsoft project." Whether or not Lisa likes your request, she respects you for your directness.
4. Say "I," not "we." Instead of saying, "We need the project by Tuesday," say, "I would like you to finish the project by Tuesday."
5. Be specific. Instead of, "Put a rush on the Microsoft project," say, "I would like the Microsoft project finished and on Joe's desk by 9:00 Tuesday morning."
6. Use body language to emphasize your words. "Lisa, I need that report Tuesday morning," is an assertive statement. But if you mumble this statement while staring at the floor, you undermine your message.
7. Confirm your request. Ask your staff to take notes at meetings. At the end of each meeting, ask your group to repeat back the specifics that were agreed upon. This minimizes miscommunication.
8. Stand up for yourself. Don't allow others to take advantage of you; insist on being treated fairly. Here are a few examples: "I was here first," "I'd like more coffee, please," "Excuse me, but I have another appointment," "Please turn down the radio," or "This steak is well done, but I asked for medium rare."
9. Learn to be friendly with people you would like to know better. Do not avoid people because you don't know what to say. Smile at people. Convey that you are happy to see them.
10. Express your opinions honestly. When you disagree with someone, do not pretend to agree. When you are asked to do something unreasonable, ask for an explanation.
11. Share your experiences and opinions. When you have done something worthwhile, let others know about it.
12. Learn to accept kind words. When someone compliments you, say, "Thank you."
13. Maintain eye contact when you are in a conversation.
14. Don't get personal. When expressing annoyance or criticism, comment on the person's behavior rather than attacking the person. For example: "Please don't talk to me that way," rather than, "What kind of jerk are you?"
15. Use "I" statements when commenting on another's behavior. For example: "When you cancel social arrangements at the last minute, it's extremely inconvenient and I feel really annoyed."
16. State what you want. If appropriate, ask for another behavior. ("I think we'd better sit down and try to figure out how we can make plans together and cut down on this kind of problem.")
17. Look for good examples. Pay attention to assertive people and model your behavior after theirs.
18. Start slowly. Express your assertiveness in low-anxiety situations at first; don't leap into a highly emotional situation until you have more confidence. Most people don't learn new skills overnight.
19. Reward yourself each time you push yourself to formulate an assertive response. Do this regardless of the response from the other person.
20. Don't put yourself down when you behave passively or aggressively. Instead, identify where you went off course and learn how to improve.
Build People Skills
Build Your People Skills
How would you like to get along even better with others in your personal relationships and in the workplace? Getting along well with people sounds kind of general and is difficult to do much about, so let's break it down into some manageable and specific skills. By building the following skills, you will get along well with others:
1. Build others' self-esteem.
2. Show empathy for others.
3. Encourage people to cooperate with each other.
4. Communicate assertively.
5. Ask productive questions and demonstrate listening skills.
6. Respond productively to emotional statements.
People skills (which are also known as emotional intelligence) can be thought of as six specific skills. Let's take a brief look at each one.
1. Build others' self-esteem. When you are in a situation where you are made to feel good about yourself, you feel good. You can do the same with others by doing the following kinds of things:
a. Make eye contact with others.
b. Call others by their names.
c. Ask others their opinions.
d. Compliment others' work.
e. Tell people how much you appreciate them.
f. Write notes of thanks when someone does something worthwhile.
g. Make people feel welcome when they come to your home or workplace.
h. Pay attention to what is going on in people's lives. Acknowledge milestones and express concern about difficult life situations such as illness, deaths, and accidents.
i. Introduce your family members to acquaintances when you meet them in public.
j. Encourage your loved ones to explore their talents and interests.
k. Share people's excitement when they accomplish something.
l. Honor people's needs and wants.
m. Take responsibility for your choices and actions, and expect others to do the same.
n. Take responsibility for the quality of your communications.
2. Show empathy for others. Empathy means recognizing emotions in others. It is the capacity to put yourself in another person's shoes and understand how they view their reality and how they feel about things.
Being aware of our emotions and how they affect our actions is a fundamental ability in today's people-intense workplaces. People who are cut off from their emotions are unable to connect with people. It's like they are emotionally tone-deaf.
No one wants to work with such people because they have no idea how they affect others. You have probably met a few people who fit this description.
3. Encourage people to cooperate with each other. Whether you are managing a family or a work group, there are some specific things you can do to create an environment where others work together well:
a. Don't play favorites. Treat everyone the same. Otherwise, some people will not trust you.
b. Don't talk about people behind their backs.
c. Ask for others' ideas. Participation increases commitment.
d. Follow up on suggestions, requests, and comments, even if you are unable to carry out a request.
e. Check for understanding when you make a statement or announcement. Don't assume everyone is with you.
f. Make sure people have clear instructions for tasks to be completed. Ask people to describe what they plan to do.
g. Reinforce cooperative behavior. Don't take it for granted.
4. Communicate assertively. Assertive communication is a constructive way of expressing feelings and opinions. People are not born assertive; their behavior is a combination of learned skills. Assertive behavior enables you to:
a. Act in your own best interests.
b. Stand up for yourself without becoming anxious.
c. Express your honest feelings.
d. Assert your personal rights without denying the rights of others.
Assertive behavior is different from passive or aggressive behavior in that it is:
a. Self-expressive
b. Honest
c. Direct
d. Self-enhancing
e. Constructive, not destructive
Assertive behavior includes both what you say and how you say it.
5. Ask productive questions and demonstrate listening skills. Listening skills help you show that you are hearing and understanding another person and are interested in what he or she has to say.
6. Respond productively to emotional statements. A communication skill called active listening is especially useful in emotional situations because it enables you to demonstrate that you understand what the other person is saying and how he or she is feeling about it. Active listening means restating, in your own words, what the other person has said. It's a check of whether your understanding is correct. This demonstrates that you are listening and that you are interested and concerned.
Active listening responses have two components:
a. Naming the feeling that the other person is conveying
b. Stating the reason for the feeling
Here are some examples of active listening statements:
"Sounds like you're upset about what happened at work."
"You're annoyed by my lateness, aren't you?"
"You sound really stumped about how to solve this problem."
"It makes you angry when you find errors on Joe's paperwork."
"Sounds like you're really worried about Wendy."
"I get the feeling you're awfully busy right now."
Actively listening is not the same as agreement. It is a way of demonstrating that you intend to hear and understand another's point of view.
The ability to get along well with people in your personal relationships and in the workplace is a set of learned skills. No one is born knowing how to build others' self-esteem, show empathy, encourage cooperation, communicate assertively, ask productive questions, or respond productively to emotional statements. These skills can be learned and developed with some practice. By taking the time to develop these skills, you will be able to build better relationships at home and at work.
Life Balance
Photo by styf22/iStock / Getty Images
It is important to balance aspects of life by taking one step at a time. One of the most important things to remember is to set aside specific times to accomplish tasks. Getting more organized, setting specific times for doing tasks, and achieving a schedule will help individuals attain diminutive tasks throughout every day duties. Learning time management skills is definitely a way to help one accomplish goals.
Many people who claim to be victims of psychological or physiological effects of stress may have been able to deal more efficiently with the stressors by using different coping skills. Because we can not always change and manipulate stress nor our external realities, sometimes changing one’s outlook on life greatly affects the way an individual deals with and views stressors. For example, an individual who has a positive outlook, is physically fit, and in touch with many of the dimensions of her being may be able to make a connection by really listening to her body and focusing what her body may be trying to telling her. It is important that people know the avenues to use while dealing with and preventing stress. Massage therapy, accupuncture, yoga, and meditation may be a few ways to help individuals make the connection to life balance . I’ve learned that I really hold tension in my shoulders. So, when I am stressed out I try and work on releasing the tension in this area of my body. Deep relaxation may be another way to manage stress. I have actually written a few of my own meditations to practice.
The basic difference between constructive and destructive reactions to stress is that destructive reactions are maladaptive and constructive reactions are usually more effective.
Examples of destructive reactions are:
1. Defensive Behavior, Criticism, Contempt, Stonewalling
2. Using Drugs and Alcohol
3. Burnout
Examples of constructive reactions are:
1. Changing Self Defeating Thoughts and Messages
2. Acquiring A Sense of Humor
3. Utilizing Tips for Managing Stress