Couples Therapy: Like you’ve never experienced before…

In a Nutshell, What Is Couples Counseling?

If you're reading this, your relationship is likely struggling right now. You might even be considering divorce.. Let me start by telling you I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time.

If you're like most couples I see, you've probably come across an online article claiming that all of your relationship's difficulties can be traced to communication breakdowns.. If you could effectively communicate with your partner, you would be able to fix things.… 

And that’s true! I have the tools to teach you how.

That's the problem: it is ineffective advice when you're in the middle of a disaster.. Obviously, if you could communicate better, your relationship would be better. But you can’t, so it’s not. 

But there is hope! I will guide you in session and give you evidence based tools to use between sessions, to apply 4 easy steps to communicate to get to the root of the issues.

Whenever you and your partner try to communicate – Even deciding what to have for dinner can be tough, You may as well forget about trying to have an actually meaningful conversation. – it just turns into another fight, nothing gets resolved, and makes everything even worse.

Then it is just brushed under the rug to linger... until the next argument. Ugh... How exhausting! 

And sure, that might be because your partner is trying to pick a fight (not realizing that all attacks are unskilled ways of trying to get a need met). And more than likely, there was an emotional injury at some point in time that went unaddressed – a crack in your friendship that never healed. Over time, you’ve grown more distant and further apart, until you’re constantly feeling resentful, annoyed, frustrated, hurt, disappointed, and down right angry.

Oftentimes, we know something is wrong but can't seem to put our finger on the problem. If this is where you're at, don't worry.

I am here for you both! I want to help you uncover the root of the problem, rekindle your relationship, and equipped you with the right tools for future success. most likely, the issues are learned behaviors. The beauty of working with learned behaviors is that we can learn how to SHOW UP in our relationships with ourselves and our partner in a much healthier and powerful way.

4 Ways Couples Therapy Is Different with Me:

1. I get to the CORE of the issue.

Too often, couples therapists begin couples work without adequately assessing for each person’s background and the couple’s joint history related to the presenting problems. 

This is where the Gottman Assessment really helps me to conceptualize the problem to formulate a game plan from the get-go!

If you only go to therapy and talk about the problems you're having RIGHT NOW, it's like putting a band aid on a wound when the actual problem is internal bleeding. If you want to work through your problems more effectively, we’ll get to the root cause of the issues you’re experiencing based on each of your needs. 

When we work together, I will begin by asking you to tell me more about:

• your individual narratives

• your family dynamics and how you saw your parents argue (or not)

• your communication styles when fighting

• how your relationship started

• the current state of your relationship and how you got here

• what your ideal relationship looks like (among other questions)

I hear it time and time again from clients about how the assessment procedure was beneficial to them, how it helped everything click for them to finally start seeing a difference in their relationship. 

I also understand that talking about your history might make you feel vulnerable and taking this step requires bravery, but I assure you it's worth it..

2. I equip you with the tools and know-how to achieve long-term relationship success..

Oftentimes, clients come to me and say that couples therapy has failed them in the past because it didn't provide concrete tools for long term success and accountability. While addressing particular issues or complaints can be beneficial, without the necessary communication and listening abilities to interact with one another empathically – and listen compassionately - any discussions we have about your challenges will be ineffective.

So, we start working on specific skills. Such as:

• How to initiate a conversation in a softened way

• How to repair or de-escalate heated conversations

• How to emotionally self-regulate when you feel triggered

• How to come into dialogue in a productive way

• How to compromise based on feelings and needs

Couples are surprised at how quickly they’re able to talk with each other in a calm, compassionate, and respectful manner.

Once you and your partner have worked through some tension and built up resentment in an emotionally safe way, you will be able to understand each other on a much deeper level. Trust builds when we learn how to implement compassionate communication (NVC).

“Well,” you may ask, “Isn't it rather simple? Why haven't we been able to solve this on our own"? "Please understand, this isn't your fault".

When you've been stuck in this vicious cycle and these patterns are ingrained, you may tend to keep creating these predictable bad habits of how you deal with conflict. You start to make assumptions about your partner, your armor goes up and you go into self-protection and defensiveness mode. It becomes less and less easy to give each other the benefit of the doubt that is necessary to sustain a long-term compassionate relationship.

My goal is to help you rediscover that grace, that softness. And ultimately, to help you hit the rest button to INTENTIONALLY create the relationship that you desire and rediscover yourselves too.

3. I help you recognize and understand the role comorbidity (anxiety, depression, ADHD, trauma, addiction, etc) may play in your relationship. 

Basically, comorbidity means your brain is wired a little differently.

And honestly, the more I learn about comorbidity, the more I see just how common it is. Yet so often, it is either not acknowledged, or is seen as something that is wrong – something to blame. 

Even if you don’t have comorbidity in your relationship, this approach is still highly applicable. The basis of comorbidity couples counseling is to help each partner understand, accept, and embrace their differences while working together as a team to overcome obstacles together without blame. 

Comorbidity or not, in working with me your way of seeing the world will be acknowledged, not criticized. 

For many couples I see, discovering comorbidity may be a freeing discovery. It allows them to reframe their relationship, and everything begins to make sense. 

With my trainings in both the Gottman Method, Compassionate Communication, and Comorbidity Couples Counseling, I’m able to provide an organized framework for you to work within, while still flexibly tailoring my approach to your specific relationship needs. 

4. We don’t have to stop at the 50 minute mark. I offer add-on time to customize sessions to meet your needs

You can choose to do 90- 150 minute sessions (or more), not just 50-minute sessions. 

If you've been to couples counseling before, then you know the drill. You describe the problem, communicate your feelings, make steps in the right direction… but just when you really start to dig into it, and peel back the layers~ time's up. You have so much left to say. And by next week’s session, you’ve lost your train of thought, and there are new and more pressing issues to address. 

By offering longer sessions, I’m able to devote the time needed for you to see real progress each week.

We're able to take on large-ticket items and actually reach a resolution that you may put into practice immediately.

The Power of Listening in Communication

Why do we communicate? Communication is the key to understanding. Understanding helps to create a quality of connection sufficient to work together and collaborate, and to attend to our needs. 

“The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention….” -Rachel Naomi Remen. 

Listening can be a powerful tool to help get to a place of greater understanding. Listening depends on silence. The ability to let go, even temporarily, of your own thoughts, views, and agenda for the conversation, in order to be fully present and listen to the person in front of you. 

Listening can help build trust and good will between two people. 

There are three basic ways to listen: 

The first is silent, present listening. This entails letting go of your own thoughts and agenda, in order to be fully engaged with the person you are communicating with. Try to get curious about what the other person is communicating. Think of yourself as an eager student listening to an exciting lecture. Your role is to listen and gather as much information and understanding as possible. Try to come from a place of wanting to connect and understand through listening. 

The second way to practice active listening is to utilize one of two skills: paraphrasing or summarizing. Paraphrasing is to restate what the person just shared with you, exactly in their own words. There are no additional words, meanings, or questions attached to the paraphrase. 

Here is a simple example: 

Speaker: “I have been feeling sad and lonely this past week”. 

Listener: “You have been feeling sad and lonely this past week”

Summarizing is something you can utilize AFTER you have listened to the speaker share their full story. A summary is a more condensed version of what you just listened to, but it still includes all the main points that the speaker just shared. Think of a summary as what you would find online about a book or movie that you are wanting to understand the meaning of- it has the gist of the story and the main themes, without all the specific details. Utilizing the skill of summarizing allows the speaker to see that you were truly listening and trying to understand what they shared. It also allows the speaker a chance to correct or clarify anything that may have been misunderstood. A good summary shows that you are a good listener. 

The third way to practice intentional listening is to utilize a skill known as empathetic reflection. This is very similar to the paraphrase skill; in that it mirrors what the speaker just shared with you. However, the key difference in an empathetic reflection is that it must include both the feeling the speaker is experiencing, as well as the reason for that feeling. 

Here is a simple example: 

Speaker: “I’m feeling really anxious about tomorrow. I have my big annual review with my supervisor.” 

Empathetic reflection: “You feel anxious because you have your annual review with your supervisor tomorrow.” 

Notice how the sentence includes the feeling word: anxious; as well as the reason for that feeling: an upcoming annual review with a supervisor. Empathetic reflections are so helpful because it allows the speaker to see that you are not only actively listening to what they just shared, but that you are willing to understand how they feel even if it is uncomfortable for you. Think of empathy as feeling into or feeling with the other person. You do not have to share the person’s feelings in order to empathize with them. It’s best to utilize the same words that the speaker shared in your empathic reflection. Keep it simple and remember that if you are actively listening, you will hear clues as to how the speaker is feeling, and the reason for that feeling- which are the 2 pieces you need for your empathic reflection. 

People thrive and grow when they feel understood. Which is why active listening can be one of the most powerful healers for difficult conversations. Practice utilizing the 3 basic ways to listen and see how it can transform your conversations to create more understanding and connection. 

Written by: Jamie Rudden 

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/JamieRuddenMFTI

“Words are Windows

(or They’re Walls)

I feel so sentenced by your words,

I feel so judged and sent away,

Before I go I’ve got to know

Is that what you mean to say?

Before I rise to my defense,

Before I speak in hurt or fear,

Before I build that wall of words,

Tell me, did I really hear?

Words are windows, or they’re walls,

They sentence us, or set us free.

When I speak and when I hear,

Let the love light shine through me.

There are things I need to say,

Things that mean so much to me,

If my words don’t make me clear,

Will you help me to be free?

If I seemed to put you down,

If you felt I didn’t care,

Try to listen through my words

To the feelings that we share.”

— Quote Source—Ruth Bebermeyer

Suicide Awareness and Assessing Signs of Risk in Loved Ones:

 According to the CDC, suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States. Nearly 46,000 people died by suicide in 2020, which would equate to an average of 1 death every 11 minutes. But suicide can be preventable, and there are resources available to help.

On July 16th of this year, 988 became the nationwide suicide hotline number. All texts or calls made to 988 are directly rooted to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline where you will be supported and helped by trained mental health professionals.

YOU can also help!

Noticing signs of suicide:

If you hear or notice any of the following thoughts or behaviors in someone you know, they may be at risk for suicide.

• Talking about wanting to die

  • “I just can’t take it anymore”

  • “I wish everything could end”

  • “I feel too much guilt or shame to continue on”

  • “I feel like a burden and people would be better off without me”

• Expressing feelings surrounding:

  • Loneliness, feeling isolated and that there is no one to live for

  • Hopelessness, feeling like there is no “light at the end of the tunnel”

  • Trapped, feeling stuck in a difficult situation with no foreseeable way out

  • Sad, depressed, anxious feelings

  • Strong emotional or physical pain

  • Low self-esteem, feeling unworthy of love and connection

• Behaviors:

  • Researching ways to die

  • Making a suicide plan

  • Purchasing lethal weapons (guns, knives, pills, rope)

  • Withdrawing from social circles and saying goodbye to loved ones

  • Giving away important keepsakes

  • Writing a will

  • Dangerous risk-taking behaviors, such as driving reckless

  • Exhibiting extreme mood swings

  • Eating and/or sleeping less

  • Increased substance use (drugs and/or alcohol)

  • Poor self-hygiene

The first step in being a helpful resource to someone who is struggling with suicidal thoughts is knowing and understanding the signs above. If you notice someone who is exhibiting any of these signs, it’s important to talk directly with them about it. It’s also important not to pass judgment or shame on the individual for having these thoughts.

When I work with clients who are struggling with suicidal ideation, I start by normalizing those thoughts and taking some of the weight and judgement away. I explain that it’s natural for our minds to search for escape routes from life’s struggles. For some people, that escape route looks like “I just want to drop everything and move to a remote island where I know no one and have no responsibilities.” For others, it may look like suicidal thoughts. The theme of escaping life’s responsibilities is the same — and we can share empathy about how hard it can be to face overwhelming difficulty, especially when we don’t have enough support. 

Suicidal thoughts can be very isolating for an individual. Letting someone know that you are aware of their struggles and here as a helpful support for them can make all the difference. Know that it can help to talk with the individual openly about their suicidal thoughts, make it known that it’s okay that they are dealing with this, and always share that there are resources to help.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 is available 24/7, 365 days a year.

https://988lifeline.org/

Also, helping that individual find a supportive therapist can help with long-term improvement and maintaining safety plans. Book an appointment for you or a loved one today.

Author: Jamie Rudden, MFTI https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/JamieRuddenMFTI

For more facts on suicide visit:

https://www.cdc.gov/suicide/facts/index.html#:~:text=Suicide%20rates%20increased%2030%25%20between,one%20death%20every%2011%20minutes.&text=The%20number%20of%20people%20who,attempt%20suicide%20is%20even%20higher.

A special thank you to Jamie Rudden for all of the supportive work that you have done with us and prior to your hard work at South Tampa Therapy! It takes a special compassionate and supportive person to BE THERE and STAY ATTUNED.

I appreciate you.

Liz

The Power of Connection in Addiction Recovery

 My message here is to offer what I have learned about the power of connection as a healing force against addiction and shame. I do not intend to invalidate the real suffering of millions living moment to moment amidst the chaos of chemical dependency and behavioral addictions. The experience of the addicted brain, body, or even “spirit” is extremely real. Anecdotal wisdom and tired truisms, when offered flippantly, hurt the suffering. Addiction is not simple, you can breathe. You are safe here. I will not offer you a magic cure.

Ok, so let’s talk about Connection! 

One of the most shame inducing parts of addiction is isolation. Even if you are a part of the minority of sufferers and you’ve rallied the bravery to share your experience it is still common to have thoughts such as…

“No one understands me. People see me as an addict, broken, helpless.”

“I can’t tell X because I would lose my job, my kids, my leadership role!” 

“Even when I am with my partner I feel inexplicably alone”

Brene Brown, popular researcher and public speaker, defines shame as “the fear of disconnection” (Brown B, 2010). People hide in shame because they fear that if they were fully honest or vulnerable it might jeopardize their connection to others. Shame is viewed as a negative emotion in pop psychology but from this perspective, the instinct for shame stems from the pure desire for connection to others. 

If we follow this logic, then certainly we shouldn’t add additional shame on ourselves for experiencing shame. Shame is the fear of disconnection. Shame is not inherently bad, but it hurts. We are sensitive to the pain of shame because it makes us feel isolated and impairs our authenticity.  

If we fear disconnection to the point of letting shame isolate us, we remain unseen and misunderstood even by those whom we have a “connection” with. You might be able to pull off a certain level of inauthentic connection with others, but this leaves you starved of true connection that comes from living in the “shame free zone” where you feel safe to be honest about what you are experiencing in any given moment. This is true connection. Safety, acceptance, and mutual vulnerability. 

But at this point, we face another obstacle. Many have experienced the thing they fear most when stepping into authenticity and vulnerability: Rejection and Disconnection from others. For some, the people they trusted with their honesty weren’t deserving of it. These experiences reinforce the shame-instinct. These experiences break my heart, and they are real, and they hurt. But here’s the good news. Each day, given your unique situation ability and access, you can work towards building connections that are worthy of your trust. You can have corrective connections. Your brain is made to regenerate its physical matter and to rewire toxic neurological pathways. Your heart can be healed through the power of pure love and connection. It is possible to live a meaningful life of connection that does not require you to escape from. 

Once again, it is not this simple. Addictions are complex and multifaceted, but research has shown that authentic and safe connection is one of the most powerful forces in overcoming addiction. This is one reason why therapy is effective in treating addiction, it might not just be the cognitive tools and intellectual processing that heals addiction. It might just be the power of a loving and safe connection.

In closing, I will share with you the results of a study published by a Canadian psychologist Bruce Alexander (Hayes, 2020). In this study, the scientists observed rats in empty cages with two bottles. One bottle was filled with water and one bottle was filled with heroin laced water. Each rat observed, was isolated in the cage with the two bottles. Over time, each isolated rat became addicted to the heroin water and eventually all of them overdosed and died. Sad, I know. 

Bruce Alexander was bothered by the size of the cage and began to consider “maybe it was the lack of stimulation and other pleasures that reinforced the rats to get high. What else did they have to do?” This is when the team created what is now referred to as “Rat Park.” This cage was over twenty times the size of the first cage and included all sorts of fun and stimulating objects and activities for the rats to enjoy. This cage was full of delicious foods, and over 20 rats of different genders were placed there. The same two water bottles were placed in “Rat Park,” one with pure water and one with heroin laced water. Guess what? All twenty of the rats ignored the heroin water and simply lived in their natural bliss of connection, play, nourishment, and mating. 

The outcomes of this study reinforce my deep conviction that authentic connection is the opposite of addiction. Is it possible that the success rates of therapy and even twelve step programs have less to do with “rigorous morality” or professional expertise as much as they have to do with connection? 

Honest, Authentic, Safe, Shame-Free, Fearless, and Vulnerable Connection. This is my hope for the suffering and alone. To experience “Rat Park” in real life and experience the transformative power of connection. 

Author: Shaundra Mcguire, MFTI

Book an appointment with Shaundra online here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ShaundraMcguireMFTI

References

Dr. Brené Brown on “The Power of Vulnerability” – Whitney Johnson. (2010). Whitney Johnson’s Distuption Advisors. https://whitneyjohnson.com/brene-brown-vulnerability/

Hayes, T. (2020, November 13). The opposite of addiction is . . .. Integrated Addiction Care. https://www.integratedaddictioncare.com/2020/11/12/the-opposite-of-addiction-is/

Elizabeth Mahaney, MA, LMHC, MFT, LPC, NCC, DCC, Ph.D Wins 2022 City’s Best Award!!!

PRESS RELEASE

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Elizabeth Mahaney, MA, LMHC, MFT, LPC, NCC, DCC, Ph.D Wins 2022 City’s Best Award

The City’s Best Awards judging panel honored Elizabeth Mahaney, MA, LMHC, MFT, LPC, NCC, DCC, Ph.D with the 2022 City’s Best Award based on her outstanding service and customer satisfaction over the last year.

Competition for the award was high due to the businesses opening in the area, despite the

downturn recently in commerce due to the pandemic. Several businesses stood out from the

crowd, but Elizabeth Mahaney, MA, LMHC, MFT, LPC, NCC, DCC, Ph.D came out on top.

Partnering with only the best businesses, The City’s Best Awards works with one winner in each

major city throughout the country. This winner is selected annually and receives various perks

including an exclusive business listing, a website badge, award certificate, social media

graphics, and more.

The City’s Best Awards wishes the best for Elizabeth Mahaney, MA, LMHC, MFT, LPC, NCC, DCC, Ph.D in 2022 and a sincere congratulations on their winning of this prestigious award.

Practice Empathy in Three Ways: Cognitively, Emotionally, and Somatically

You must first take off your own shoes to put yourself in someone else's shoes.

We stretch our hearts and minds beyond our own experiences, viewpoints, and feelings in order to imagine what it's like to be inside someone else's head. We employ imagination, creativity, and instinct to envision what life is like for them.

Listening with empathy is a fundamental component of coming from curiosity and care, as well as the foundation of discussion. Here are three strategies to start practicing incorporating more empathy into your daily life that integrate living purposefully and empathetically.

PRACTICE: Empathy

It's important to remember that practicing this doesn't have to be limited to situations in which you are the center of attention. Its easier to feel for others when you aren't being attacked. Remember that empathy isn't something you put into words; it's a quality of presence in your heart. Aim to comprehend the other person's situation and let the conversation unfold organically.

SILENT EMPATHIC PRESENCE: Practice listening completely, with the heartfelt intention to understand and "feel into" what the other person is saying. How is this issue for them?

PARAPHRASE: After listening, summarize the gist of what you've heard. What are the key features of what they've said? It's also possible that repeating just a few words will be enough.

EMPATHIC REFLECTION: After listening, check that you understand by reflecting what you hear is most important to them. This may include how they feel and/or what they need. What's at the heart of this individual's narrative? What can you do to assist them to feel understood? Remember to phrase your reflections as questions and double-check that you're correct.

There are other methods for conveying compassion. We may convey empathy by giving a kind word, with a loving touch, or by describing how we're feeling in response to what we've heard. By expressing interest with open-ended questions like "Tell me more," "What else?"

As an example, my daughter's friend a freshman who is usually cheerful and bubbly, began showing up early to practice. I struck up a conversation and realized how much she was struggling. This friend was saying, "I don't want to go to this school anymore," and was thinking about dropping out. I noticed the impulse to go into problem-solving mode, an old habit of mine. Having just finished another book on empathy, I paused and decided to try listening instead. "Tell me more. What's going on?"

She began to open up. She was being bullied. She felt sad, alone, and depressed. Every time I noticed the urge to fix or solve, I attended to feeling the weight of my body and my feet on the floor, and resisted the temptation to offer solutions. I focused my attention on what she was feeling and reflected what I was hearing. She began to cry, oscillating between speaking, sobbing, and awkwardly making eye contact as if to check whether all of this was okay. There were a lot of tears, tissues, and long moments in which I simply held her gaze.

She spoke more about her feelings of sadness, loneliness, and not feeling valued. "I've felt like this since first grade," she mentioned. "Was that the first time you felt so sad and alone?" I inquired. No, it started when she was three, when her dad left. They looked at each other, realizing they'd hit the root of her pain. Eventually they explored what she might need at school. They came up with some strategies to address the bullying. She decided to stay in school and to make a public art piece for the classroom about depression.

This is the power of which empathy may help us. With a listening spirit, we can absorb each statement made, each emotion felt. Healing and change are possible if we come from a place of curiosity and care rather than our usual mode of behavior.

PRINCIPLES

People are more likely to be willing to listen when they feel heard. To build understanding, reflect before you respond.

KEY POINTS

The desire to comprehend is frequently expressed through listening, which entails putting away our own ideas, emotions, opinions, and views temporarily.

We can listen in many ways:

• With complete, wholehearted presence

• To the content of what someone says

• To the feelings and needs beneath the content

Staying connected in conversation helps us build understanding and

collaborate:

DON'T LET THE CALL DROP: Seek to establish and maintain connection in conversation.

REFLECT BEFORE YOU RESPOND: Confirm that you're hearing each other accurately before moving on. This "completes a cycle' of communication.

At the heart of listening is empathy, which includes:

• Cognitive empathy: seeing things from another's perspective

• Affective empathy: feeling another's emotions

• Somatic empathy: sensing another's embodied experience

Q & A

Q: What if someone wants advice? Is that ever okay?

Of course. When someone asks for advice, you might try offering empathy

first. I'll often say, I'm happy to share some of my ideas, but first I just want

to take in what you've said. I'll follow that with an empathic reflection of

what I'm hearing and check if I've understood. This can help the other

person process their experience and clarify what matters. I then circle back

to inquire if they still want advice; sometimes it's no longer relevant.

If the tables are turned and you want to give someone advice, check

first. Let them know: "I have an idea that I think might be helpful. Are you

open to some advice?" This honors their autonomy, minimizes the chances

that your input will be disempowering, and guards against giving advice

as a way of soothing your own anxiety.

Q: I've been exploring these empathy tools with close friends and family

and my new approach creates a lot of awkwardness. What do you do

when others expect you to communicate in a certain way?

It can be confusing when our attempts to create more connection backfire.

Part of what you are experiencing is the relational dimension of communication habits. They occur in a dynamic, so when we shift it affects others.

It also may simply be the learning curve; it takes time to find an authentic

voice with these tools.

Let go of the form and focus on your genuine intention to connect.

What would help this person to feel heard? If someone is used to us

showing care by asking questions or agreeing and we respond by reflecting

their needs, that may throw them off. Try to tune in to what they want.

When all else fails, let people know that you're trying something new that

you hope will bring you closer. Ask them to humor you while you learn.

Self Empathy by Marshall Rosenberg (Audio) Listen to learn how to meet needs and to speak the language of LIFE!

PODCAST EPISODE

Self Empathy by Marshall Rosenberg

Nonviolent Communication - Marshall Rosenberg's NVC Training

https://open.spotify.com/episode/0mLiboZxd1tvK6Y8sz6c3M?si=XYJd4WHESieV0T8FUnHNeQ

What Makes You Feel Loved In Your Relationship?

Love Languages

Do you know what makes you feel loved in a relationship? Many times, we may think we know what makes us feel loved yet when we ask for things out of our partner, our needs are still not being met. This could be because what you think is your love language, may not actually be what makes you feel loved. Knowing your love language and your partner's love language is important in a relationship. When you both know what makes the other person feel truly loved, then both of you can actively participate in those forms of love for one another. More times than not, the way one person is showing their love towards you is the exact way that they are wanting to be loved by you.

There are 5 main love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. Knowing what your partner needs to feel loved by you and taking the initiative to actively provide that for them can strengthen and deepen the connection between the two of you. I like to have my couples that I work with take a short quiz to discover how each language of love ranks for them individually. I ask them to take this quiz separately and to be completely honest with themselves while taking it. Once they both have done this, I ask them to bring their results into our session so we can go over the results.

The reason I like to go over the results with the couples is because each love language can look different to every person. For example, the love language "quality time" can look very different for each partner. So, if one person scores high in this area, then it is a good idea to define what quality time looks like for the person who scored high. This way there is no confusion and a mutual understanding moving forward. If this is something you may be interested in, either individually or as a couple, then I recommend taking this quiz https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language. The results may surprise you!

Author: Crystin Nichols, MFTI

Book Appointment: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/CrystinNicholsMFTI

Divorce is an Important Story that you’ll Tell your Child, So be VERY Thoughtful and Write it Well!

Nothing quite prepares you for what it’s like to go through a divorce when you have children…

While the statistics say somewhere between 40-50% of adults will have to navigate this terrain at some point in their lives, when you embark on it, when it finally happens, your divorce can feel excruciatingly unique. Painfully individual.

And it is.

Rituals, rhythm, and rules. Your family is a microculture. The unique fingerprint of you and your spouse. The weaving of bones. Divorce, in turn, is the dissolution of such. The severing of a limb to save the tree. A metamorphosis that is characterized more by coming undone than by becoming. For the first time, you and your partner will have to venture into something together that is, by definition, designed to be done alone. You will go through divorce alone, together.

In my work as a couples therapist, if a couple with children decides to divorce, I caution them that this is a time when they must be careful. I remind them that most likely, their bodies have come to recognize the other as the enemy and that given this, their heart rates will increase to over 100 beats per minute whenever they are in close proximity to the other. For many, this physiological response to threat will occur even at the mere thought of the other. Like a bulimic, whose body learns to regurgitate food without even the slightest touch of a finger, so too do our nervous systems learn to expel the other.

And while these biological alarms may very well prepare you for war, they also come at a cost. Diffuse physiological arousal (DPA) is the amalgam of bodily stress responses. In addition to an accelerated heart rate, DPA is characterized by an increase in stress hormones. The result is an inability to think, communicate, or hear clearly.

Not surprisingly, divorce is a time when you will struggle with periods of psychological, physiological, and emotional impairment. All of this occurring, while you are simultaneously called on to make critical decisions, single-parent, generate income, sell or relocate your home, and navigate the grief and loss of dreams. Your life is coming undone faster than you can rebuild it, and the seeds of regeneration have yet to sprout their tendrils.

According to Dr. John Gottman, author of “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child,” if you want to know whether a kid is navigating parental crisis at home, there’s a litmus test. It turns out that children exposed to “great marital hostility” have markedly higher levels of stress hormones than children of parents with stable marriages.

Remember this when you’re seething in anger at your ex-to-be, and it threatens to overtake you. Your kid will excrete toxins of distress that their body cannot possibly metabolize. By a familial nervous system, you are all still interconnected on a subterranean level, and their body is screaming “stop,” even if they never utter a word to you.

Though if you listen carefully, they will and do tell you. And how you respond (or not) to what your child shares is critical. Their tummy may hurt at bedtime, or they’ll have an amorphous list of upsets that seemingly have no immediate cause (and therefore no remedy readily at hand).

You’ll want to make it better, cheer them up, play a game. If they’re older, they might ask questions and even insist that you confide in them as a way to ease their angst. It can be tricky to discern who is comforting whom. Divorce is lonely, and even the best of single parents can experience the understandable tug to derive comfort at times like these.

Tempting as it may be, try to refrain from responding to your child’s feelings by offering a distraction or cheering up. Such gestures, though well-intended, often come from our discomfort when we see our kid is hurting. We want to make it better—to offer relief. It’s natural to want to put a band-aid on an “ouch.” Unfortunately, divorce is bigger than that. Instead, learn to Hold Space for Them.

Instead, aim for what Gottman calls Emotion Coaching. To emotion coach, you must first cultivate an awareness of your child’s feelings. Notice their body language, their tone of voice, and their eyes. What do you imagine they might be saying (or not saying) in their actions and gestures?

Be curious and avoid projecting your feelings and thoughts. Expand on such moments, listening more than speaking, validating more than fixing. Let them know you see they are struggling and offer to help them to name their struggles—encouraging them to use their words.

Emotion Coaching can turn the mysterious case of a tummy ache or just feeling blue into a teaching moment from which your child derives comfort from feeling seen and understood. It will also offer them increased insight into their inner workings, allowing them to connect the dots between their tummy ache and their heartache.

The heartache of divorce is essential as air. Cultivating the ability to breathe through it and mourn is both the last and first stage of ending one story (your life as the family you were) and starting the next (your life as the family you are becoming).

You are closing a critical chapter of your life and simultaneously embarking on a new one. There is also compelling evidence to suggest that the narrative you write, speak, and live from will have a profound impact on the adult your child has yet to become. How you make sense of memories, your past and the ways it has shaped you in the present, the answers you give to the fundamental questions of such, have the potential to pass down (or not) the same painful legacy that marred your early days.

Daniel Siegel, author of “The Whole Brained Child” and “Parenting from the Inside Out,” states that the best predictor of a child’s security of attachment is not what happened to their parents as children, but instead how their parents made sense of those childhood experiences. I want to go out on a limb and assert that how we as parents make sense of any significant experience, whether we’re talking childhood or adulthood, has the potential to shape the adults our children have yet to become and, in turn, our grandchildren and so it goes.

The telling of how your marriage came to fracture will evolve, and as it does, and as you begin to understand the role you played in it, it’s important to see yourself as neither victim nor villain. Similarly (although it can be hard) aspire to view your ex from an equally generous and compassionate lens. After all, not many embark on marriage hoping love will end, and very few of us have a baby wishing our family will shatter.  

Breaking up a family when children are involved is akin to pulling bones out of your body while you are simultaneously growing them. Aspiring to narrate the story of your divorce from a place of empowerment will inform every interaction with your child, from the day-to-day to the essential rituals of transition, including bedtime, pickups, and drop-offs.

Here is where divorce presents its most significant opportunity—a window of time where the stars align in such a way that you have a chance to shift the future.

Create a constellation that serves as a map of where you have been, how you have gotten here, and where you wish to go in the days and years to come. It’s an atlas that will serve not only as a touchstone for you, but as a beacon for your children.

Your story will become their story, so write it well.

Thanks Kerry Lusignan for your insight and guidance!

Betrayal and Relational Trauma: How We Get Stuck in Trauma Bonds

There is hope!

If you are feeling stuck in trauma bonds, it's important to understand that there is hope. You can heal from this experience and even come out stronger on the other side. But it will require time, patience, and a willingness to do the work.

A tsunami of strong feelings might follow the discovery of your spouse's infidelity. After the initial shock and perplexity, most betrayed spouses battle for some time to regain control over their tumultuous feelings driven by intrusive thoughts and reminders. Infidelity, according to Patrick Carnes, a pioneer in the treatment of sexual addiction, can be as traumatic as sexual assault

It's critical to understand how and why the event changes our brain and behavior while recovering from infidelity. Staying curious while discussing what betrayal trauma looks like for both partners, as well as how this shared suffering might lead to harmful patterns in their interactions with one another- these patterns sometimes known as trauma bonds.

What Does Trauma Look Like?

The symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) are similar to those caused by betrayal. Trauma causes intrusive thoughts, avoidance, and hyperarousal in individuals with PTSD.

Intrusive thoughts are persistent, unwanted reminders of the traumatic experience, such as flashbacks (reliving the terrible event as if it were happening again) or nightmares about it.

Avoidance can take on a variety of forms, including trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic experience, as well as avoiding places, activities, or people that may remind you of it.

Hyperarousal is characterized by a feeling of distress and anxiety, which can extend to other areas such as difficulty sleeping, being easily startled, sluggish brain function, trouble focusing, and irritability.

Symptoms are frequently changing and varied from person to person. These same symptoms, when combined with detrimental changes in thinking and mood, can result in:

• Negative thoughts about yourself and others.

• Feel hopeless and powerless when the future appears bleak.

• Forgetfulness.

• Detachment from career, family, and friends.

• Lack of interest in activities you once enjoyed.

• It's difficult to experience pleasant feelings..

• Feeling emotionally flat and numb.

So, What Are the Causes of These Changes?

Betrayal trauma can alter your physiology due to the neurobiological changes that are taking place in your limbic system. Your body enters a fight, flight, or freeze (and sometimes fawn or collapse) reaction as a result of these adjustments.

When our amygdala senses danger, the hypothalamus activates the sympathetic nervous system, which causes epinephrine, also known as adrenaline, to be released. Adrenaline makes our heart beat faster and our lungs breathe more effectively on a good workout or training day. When we're stressed, our body releases hormones such as adrenaline, which help us stay safe and alert. It increases blood flow to the brain and muscles, making our mind more attentive to the situation and boosting blood sugar levels for vitality. When we are emotionally or physically scared, this surge of adrenaline is meant to keep us safe and alive.

When the danger level rises to a certain point, the hippocampus instructs the adrenal glands to produce cortisol. The hippocampus is essential for thinking, learning, memory, and behavioral management. Our brain needs to focus on problem solving during extreme stress, such as betrayal and relational trauma. Because you're overwhelmed with stress, your hippocampus isn't functioning well. The end result is conflict or flight from the stress/threat rather than problem solving in order to resolve it.

All of the same things that I previously stated are going on in a freeze response, with one exception: our subconscious has deemed this stress to be too hazardous. The sympathetic nervous system is no longer solely in command. The dorsal vagus nerve is activated on the back side, and it drags us into a condition of self-protection. When we are in risk of physical or emotional harm, whether real or imagined, we may shut down. We may appear calm but, inside, we are emotionally numb and frozen.

Finally, collapse response is comparable to that of freeze; it's a condition of hypo excitation. The dorsal vagus nerve screams, "This is too much!" and goes quiet. We are no longer seeking for methods to survive (fight or flight) but rather for a way to fall apart physically and emotionally. We may be unable to speak or feel removed or disconnected from our bodies. Our blood pressure, temperature, and heart rate drop dramatically. We might even faint or become unconscious in severe situations.

The fluctuating cycles of cortisol levels are detrimental to your immune system and general health. Even after an affair's initial discovery or disclosure, your brain can be bombarded with reminders that flood it with adrenaline and cortisol. This is one of the reasons why it's so difficult for your brain to accept and process this traumatic event, and subsequently let down its guard. The symptoms of PTSD are caused by this higher level of anxiety and isolation.What Do We Do About It?

You may not be interested in the neuroscience aspect, but you can still be interested in when your brain is offline or online. The Hypo-aroused and Hyper-aroused brains are both "offline." We can reclaim our center by practicing observing what goes on inside us while we're "offline". What do we think about and how are we physiologically feeling, such as our heart rate and breath? Are we hot or cold, sweaty or clammy? Do we feel numbness or strong emotions? Meditation, exercise, yoga, and journaling can help us stay centered.

What is Trauma Bonding?

Every relationship reacts to trauma differently. Both partners are frequently on the fight, flight, fawn or freeze continuum, but they're rarely in the same place at the same time, contributing to the negative cycle that couples dealing with infidelity's trauma find themselves in.

After being a therapist for 20 years, I have seen distorted and adaptive bonds form between partners. Some people call these "trauma bonds". It is crucial to understand your trauma as well as your spouse's, and have a working understanding of what is going on in both of your brains.

Here are a few examples of traumatic bond cycles that aren't helpful:

• For more than 6-9 months after discovery, the victim is fixated on the event, what occurred, and why...

• Between wanting a divorce and wanting to work things out, there's an endless debate.

• You and your spouse are continuing to have abusive debates.

• Keeping your relationship a secret from others who might criticize you for attempting to work it out.

• Breaking commitments to yourself or each other and expecting things to get better.

• Feelings of closeness one minute, followed by painful memories and outbursts the next are typical..

It may be useful to take a step back and examine the cycle of events in which you two escalate when you talk about specifics and reminders. Consider whether the way we are discussing the facts of the affair is pushing us closer to forgiveness or making matters worse. Still, you both need to be curious about this cycle that you are co-creating as you work to reconcile. As a reminder, you are both responsible for the co-creation of a new relationship starting today.

If you find that you and your spouse are in an unhelpful cycle, please don't beat yourself up for it; notice it without any shame and be curious about how you can begin to work through the trauma of infidelity more productively.

I'll be sharing more about this topic in future Free Resources, so stay tuned. In the meantime, if you're looking for more resources on this topic, I recommend reading Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass (the best book that I have found to help couples recover and heal from infidelity and relational trauma) and The Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes.

If you are struggling with infidelity in your relationship, please reach out for help. This is not something that you have to go through alone. I offer individual and couples counseling services and have experience helping people heal from betrayal trauma. You can text me here to set up a consultation. 813-240-3237 or book online:

www.SouthTampaCounselor.com/BookAppointment

I hope this has been helpful. Please feel free to reach out. Until next time!

Empowering Couples to Communicate Compassionately~ Using Non-Violent Communication (NVC)

The process of non-violent communication (NVC) was developed by Marshall B. Rosenberg and encourages us to connect with others in a more heartfelt and empathetic manner. NVC emphasizes the significance of language in our day-to-day encounters, calling for conscious responses, instead of reactions, based on perceptions, feelings, needs, and visions for what we DO want to see happen.

The Four Components of NVC

There are four basic components to NVC that include observations, feelings, needs, and requests. What actions are we seeing around us that have an impact on our well-being? How do we feel based on what we've seen or heard? What need, desire, or value sparked those feelings? All negative feelings are unmet needs. Finally, how may we make positive requests of others that will improve our lives? These elements all work together to create NVC's foundation.

Our Language Shapes Our Thinking

Sometimes our thoughts sabotage our needs. It is helpful to gather more data and not just react from our triggers or automatic thoughts. Our thoughts produce the way we feel. Negative thoughts point to an unmet need. If I don't know what I need and react from the story that I tell myself, a lot of bad habits can form from this bad habit. Instead, I can gather more data, not just from thoughts but I want to drop down and gather more data from my feelings, where my feelings live somatically in my body, and what needs I have. When I discover my needs, I am in a powerful position to get my needs met. If I do not know what I need in real time, I may react and sabotage my needs which disconnects us from ourselves and other people in our lives.

All attacks are unskilled ways of trying to get a need met. Attacks create disconnect and defensiveness. Using NVC helps us accept influence and stay connected even through some of the most difficult conversations.

NVC not only challenges us to change the way we talk to one another, it also challenges us to change the way we think and perceive the world around us. In other words, NVC is not just a process of communication where words are simply exchanged. We must reframe our thinking so that we are able to genuinely express ourselves and be empathetic to what others are observing, feeling, needing, and requesting. NVC is truly an amazing process that empowers us to connect with one another in a compassionate way.

How to Calm The Jackal and Put on Your Giraffe Ears

Marshall Rosenberg conceptualized our tendency toward aggression and dominance as a jackal, while our more compassionate side he imagined as a giraffe (since giraffes have the largest hearts of all land mammals). When we listen with Jackal ears, we hear complaints as criticisms and requests as demands. When faced with a demand, collaboration isn’t possible. You either submit or you rebel which disconnects us and neither feels good, nor works well in a long-term relationship.

Conversely, when we put on our Giraffe ears, we listen with more empathy and compassion. We are more likely to hear the feelings and the needs behind what someone is saying. We’re more likely to see those needs as being understandable and reasonable, and not in competition with our own needs. When we understand and empathize, compromise and collaboration become feasible.

Nonviolent Communication in Couples Therapy

With couples, NVC bridges the gap in understanding between each partner and helps counter the judgmental negative stories that may build up about the other person:

“They’re lazy.”

“They’re not putting in as much work as I am.”

“They don’t love and care about my feelings.”

These interpretations or evaluations discourage us from being vulnerable and trusting the other person, and they prevent us from making needed changes. When we choose to replace those judgmental stories with greater understanding, more connection is possible.

NVC may challenge our preconceived notions about others and the world, which can help us to appreciate one another and live more freely. When the guy who is cutting me off in traffic stops being a jerk and becomes a person going through something terrible in their own life, I am able to let go of my anger. When I recognize that my difficulties in keeping my home clean aren't "laziness" but rather a battle for motivation or a desire for "rest and recuperation," the self-compassion I gain not only lessens my suffering, but it also increases the likelihood that I will be able to satisfy that need AND keep my house clean.

Whether you’re looking for Couples Therapy or Individual Counseling, Nonviolent Communication (NVC) can help you create the life you want to live together as a team.

Eating Disorders, Addiction, and OCD: Know the Cycles that Keep you Stuck

When suffering with mental health diagnosis, it is not only the condition itself that causes distress, but also feeling afraid and confused about why you feel the way you do and how to find relief. One of the benefits of therapy is having someone who can help you answer those questions and guide you towards both alleviating your suffering and establishing realistic tools that maintain your progress. 

I have years of experience supporting clients struggling with eating disorders, OCD, and healing from trauma. I believe that the more you know, the more empowered you are to take meaningful action. My hope is that as you learn about the cycles that perpetuate mental health disorders you will feel less alone. Regardless of what “diagnosis” you might suffer from you are connected to others through common humanity and you are not alone. These cycles perpetuate themselves; it is not your fault. It is only once you’re aware that you can become curious about doing something different with the support of your treatment team. Look over the two diagrams below and consider your own experience, if any, with these vicious cycles. 

The Eating Disorder Cycle works in a similar way: 

Distress/Mental Obsession with weight, shape, appearance, food which leads to     Anxiety, Shame, Percieved lack of control which leads to   Compulsive Eating Disorder Behavior (Bingeing, Purging, Restricting, Exercising, Counting, Body Checking, Weighting, Measuring, Purging, Over-Exercise, Looking at old Pictures, Pinching Stomach) which Leads to  Temporary Relief/Sense of Control + Victory which leads to   Return of Internal Distress/Mental Obsession (but this time, you have even more distress because of the affects of compulsive behavior) and the cycle continues… 

As you might have noticed, all of the cycles begin with either internal distress, anxiety, or obsessive thoughts. All of the cycles include a behavior or compulsive thought/action that provided temporary releif. All the cycles include the return of internal distress/obsessive thoughts. 

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a popular treatment intervention for OCD, Eating Disorders, and Addiction. The premise of Cogntive Behavioral Therapy is identifying and re-examime unhelpful thinking patterns. The goals include adjusting thinking patterns so that the new patterns lead to more helpful emotions and behaviors. For example, if the thought is 

“If I don’t work out right now I will gain five pounds and have to cancel my date on Friday night” 

The therapist would guide you to find a more rational thought

“It is not logical that I can gain five pounds from one piece of pizza. If I choose to believe that, It will keep me from enjoying the date I have been looking forward to.” 

The hope is that, by practicing new rational thoughts, the person would calm down in their emotional response and thus the compulsion to exercise would be reduced and the cycle would be interrupted. 

I think that examining our thoughts with curiosity and choosing new helpful thoughts is a powerful tool and it holds merit in changing our emotional state and behaviors.

However….

I want to offer an additional insight into these cycles. If you notice, the compulsive behaviors (eating disorder behaviors, OCD rituals, substance use) are actually “effective” mechanisms that soothe and regulate real experiences of high arousal and physical anxiety. In some cases, the obsession and anxiety can lead a person to enter into a state of panic. If I am experiencing an intrusive thought/obsession…

 “If I do not lock my front door seven times, I will get robbed” 

that thought can cause a fight-or-flight response in my body that requires I do something to calm down. If I try and think my way out of it, I might not have access to the rational part of my brain because I am being flooded with chemicals that make my body feel unsafe thus reinforcing the percieved validity of the intrusive thought. 

The goal is to engage with new behaviors that, if practiced consistently, could give you relief that LASTS versus the temporary relief you got from your OCD, eating disorder, or substance use compulsions. This is not just replacement therapy, where you replace the disordered behavior with a positive one. It is not about ending “bad” behaviors, it is about giving your brain and body the gift of trusting you to take care of it, to soothe it, and to regain access to your emotions and bodily sensations without the harmful compulsions that did not work long term. 

Additionally, it could be part of the “cure” as to why you have the internal distress or obsessions in the first place. Maybe growing up, you did not have caregivers that were attuned to your needs or were not the best at soothing you or teaching you to acess the wisdom of your body and emotions. Maybe you have relational trauma that caused you to not fee safe in your body. The point is, learning how to be aware of your emotional and bodily state and learning how to regulate and soothe said state is a profoundly powerful skill set. 

There are many ways you can learn to self-soothe, regain access to your bodily and emotional sensations, and regulate yourself. 

Here are some websites that provide ideas for learning some basic skills: 

https://positivepsychology.com/self-soothing/

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/biology-of-calm-how-downregulation-promotes-well-being-1027164

https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/treatment-for-eating-disorders/co-occurring-dual-diagnosis/ocd-obsessive-compulsive-disorder

https://www.mindmypeelings.com/blog/window-of-tolerance

This is a lot to learn, and each person is different. There are a myriad of factors that impact each persons ability to understand and execute these new skills. You don’t have to walk this road alone, or do it perfectly! If you want support in breaking these cycles and empowering yourself to heal, please consider seeking the guidance and support of a caring therapist. 

Book with Shaundra McGuire: Consult/ Triage/ Waitlist/ Discovery Call Form

What is violent and nonviolent communication?

Violent communication, also known as a harsh startup, is when a person is trying to communicate something to their partner/child/parent/etc and the language being used comes out aggressive, attacking, blaming, belittling...I think you get the point. A big reason why communication comes out this way, is usually because the person has a need that is not being met and they are unsure how to communicate this need. For some of us, violent communication is the only form we know and for others, we may not know the correct language to identify how we feel or need. This is where nonviolent communication comes in. It completely changes the way we communicate. Communication is not only about speaking, listening and truly hearing the other person is a key component.

Nonviolent communication, also known as a soft start up, is where the speaker expresses I AM without blaming or criticizing and the listener empathically receives how YOU ARE without hearing blame or criticism. NVC has 4 parts to it:

1) Observations

- What I observe that does or does not contribute to my well-being (free from my evaluations)

- "When I (see. hear)....."

2) Feelings

- How I feel in relation to what I observe (emotion or sensation rather than thought)

- "I feel..."

3) Needs

- What I need or value that causes my feelings (rather than a preference or a specific action)

- "...because I need/value..."

4) Requests (Don't be demanding"

- The concrete action I would like taken

- "Would you be willing to...?"

The listener will verbally mirror back everything that the speaker says when using this script for a soft start up. I hope this helps when trying to express your needs through communication with your partner/child/parent/etc.

Let's continue to grow into better versions of ourselves(:

By Crystin Nichols, MFTI

Why do we feel the way we feel? The Power of Attachment

How you show love, how you feel connection, and how you relate to others is all influenced by your attachment style. The key factors that define the quality and security of an attachment bond are based on two questions:

·   Can I count on you?

·   Am I worthy of your love?

It might surprise you that the way you learn to love in infancy can have a direct impact on how you navigate adult relationships. This idea stems from attachment theory, which was first developed in the 1950’s by the work of John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. According to attachment theory, a persons’ attachment style is created and shaped during their first years of life, in response to the relationship dynamics with their primary caregivers. Essentially, adult attachment styles are believed to mirror the attachment style learned in childhood with the primary caregiver. In infancy and early childhood, attachment style is developed based on how our basic needs for food, security, and connection, are met. Attachment styles can be thought of as different internal working models of relationships that have evolved from life experiences.

There are four attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.

Secure attachment:

Secure attachment style is characterized by an ability to view oneself as basically loveable, and an ability to view others as generally reliable and responsive. A secure attachment is first developed in childhood if your caregiver was able to be emotionally available, offer reassurance and validation, and make you feel safe and understood. In adulthood, a securely attached individual can depend on others while also maintaining their individuality. A securely attached person has an easier time trusting and accepting others and allows people to get close to them. They are not afraid of intimacy and don’t feel a sense of panic if a partner needs space or time away.

Anxious attachment:

Anxious attachment style is represented by a deep fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, and codependent tendencies. Anxious attachment style can stem from a lack of consistent parental support during infancy and early childhood. For example, this may look like a parent who is sometimes attentive, and sometimes pushing away. This inconsistency can create anxiety and beliefs about what we expect and can count on in relationships. In adulthood, an anxiously attached style usually presents itself in codependent tendencies or behaviors. This stems from that fear of abandonment or rejection. A person with an anxious attachment style usually has a hard time feeling worthy of love and therefore needs constant reassurance from their partners.

Avoidant Attachment:

Avoidant attachment style is characterized by a fear of intimacy and a lack of trust on the dependability of others. Avoidant attachment style can stem from growing up in an environment that is lacking sufficient parental support and supervision. For example, this could be the result of a neglectful or busy parent. It could also be a parent who is present, but not concerned with their child’s emotional needs and fears. In adulthood, a person with an avoidant attachment style usually has a hard time getting close to others and trusting them. Relationships can often feel suffocating for them, and they tend to maintain some distance from their partners, especially emotionally. An avoidant attached person usually prefers to rely on themselves because they have learned not to depend on others for their emotional needs.

Disorganized Attachment:

Disorganized attachment style is defined by extreme inconsistent behaviors in relationships and a lack of trust in others. A disorganized attachment style most commonly stems from a result of childhood trauma, abuse, or neglect. The child often views their caregiver as both a source of comfort and fear, which leads to the disorganized, inconsistent behaviors. Adults with a disorganized attachment style often behave in unpredictable ways in relationships, and view their partner as being unpredictable. They waver between acting distant and independent and being emotional and codependent. Adults with disorganized attachment consistently seek out intimacy, while also fearing it and sometimes rejecting it when it gets too close.

It can be empowering to identify and understand your unique attachment style and where it stems from. Becoming aware of your feelings and behaviors in relationships can make the healing journey much easier. Through this exploration, new avenues of thinking and behaving can emerge to equip you for more secure relationships. If you are interested in learning more about your attachment style and how it influences your adult relationships, click on the link below to take a short attachment style quiz! For a deeper dive into attachment, book an appointment today to conduct an Adult Attachment Interview with one of our skilled clinicians.

http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl

Written by: Jamie Rudden LMFTI 

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/JamieRuddenMFTI

The Starved Brain: Why does your loved one with Anorexia think, feel, and act the way they do?

The Starved Brain: Why does your loved one with Anorexia think, feel, and act the way they do? 

If you have a loved one with Anorexia, you know more than anyone that eating disorders impact the entire family. It can feel like everything you know and have come to expect from your loved one changes overnight. I have had family members report to me: 

“It’s like he is a whole different person”

“Is my precious happy girl still inside that body?”

“My wife has always been the life of the party. That’s one of the reasons I married her, now I can’t get her to leave the house”

 It can be tremendously confusing and sometimes feelings of hopelessness emerge. That is very normal. It is scary. To understand these jarring changes, it is helpful to remember that Anorexia is a physical illness. It manifests, if not treated early, in significant weight loss and calorie restriction.  Your loved one is acting, thinking, and feeling the way they are because of what research tells us about The Psychology of Hunger. 

The Psychology of Hunger: The Starved Brain 

The most notable study conducted the starved brain was undertaken in 1948 by Ancel Keys, called “The Biology of Human Starvation or popularly known as “The Minnesota Starvation Experiment.” The purpose of the experiment was to demonstrate how the body and mind are affected by not eating, or by restricting food. In this study, healthy young men were observed under normal conditions then exposed to caloric restriction (1570 calories a day for 6 months). After the semi-starvation period, they were rehabilitated with the purpose of determining the most successful form of nutritional rehabilitation. Such a study would never be conducted in modern research, but the results were foundational in shifting perceptions and guiding modern treatment interventions for Anorexia. 

The Results

Below are the symptoms that were found at just 1570 calories a day for 6 months. *It is noteworthy that most sufferers of Anorexia eat far less than 1570 calories a day* 

• Physical: Less energy, reduced heart muscle mass, lower heart rate and blood pressure, headaches, decreased hormone levels, sensitivity to noise and light, a feeling of being cold all the time, loss of strength and greater fatigue and hair loss and dry skin.

• Emotional and Cognitive changes: Depression, anxiety, irritability, increased mood fluctuations, intense and negative emotional reactions, decreased enthusiasm, reduced motivation, impaired concentration, problem solving and comprehension, increased rigidity, obsessional thinking, and reduced alertness.

• Attitudes and behaviors related to food: Thinking about food all the time, eating very slow or very fast, increased hunger, unusual food routines and rituals, binge eating, increased use of condiments for flavor.

• Social changes: Feeling more critical of others, withdrawn and isolated, loss of sense of humor, feelings of social inadequacy, neglect of personal hygiene and strained relationships.

These men had no previous mental health diagnosis, significant childhood trauma, or any health conditions that would skew the results in any meaningful way. 

Implications

When working with sufferers and their family members I always share this study and pay special attention to highlight the results in the emotional/cognitive changes and social changes sections. I have seen the implications of this study reduce shame and destigmatize the individual suffering. I try to communicate that your loved one is still the same person you know; they are just experiencing the brains response to starvation. With appropriate nutritional rehabilitation and patience there is no reason to believe that most, if not all, of these symptoms will go away completely. The first step to treating Anorexia is weight restoration. Getting stuck in the “Why” vortex is tempting because the sufferer and family want to believe that if they knew why their loved one developed Anorexia it would give them the solution. Sometimes family members blame themselves: endlessly analyzing and hypothesizing about some unknown error they made. It is important to make sense of or peace with your loved one’s diagnosis but if there is anything you can do to support your loved one, it is to encourage them to seek nutritional rehabilitation first and foremost. I ask family members to avoid pathologizing their loved one. Going to therapy once a week while severely malnourished can be unfruitful  because of the starved brain. A therapist role is to encourage motivation for recovery, educate and normalize Anorexia, and celebrate the little wins. Once your loved one is weight restored, the deeper work can be done from a healthy nourished brain. Should you be a family member of a sufferer in early stages of recovery, the primary take-away is to remind yourself and your loved that their brain is starving and the way they feel, think, and behave are survival responses. Remind them that it is not their fault, and it will not feel like this forever. Your loved one is not ‘CRAZY’ nor has their character or personality fundamentally changed they are just starving.  

By Shaundra McGuire, MHCI

Book an appointment with Shaundra Mcguire:

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ShaundraMcguireMFTI

Additional resources for you and your loved one:  

https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/

https://www.gaudianiclinic.com/videos-press

References: 

https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/information/anorexia/how-malnourishment-affects-the-brain-research-on-anorexia-and-neurobiology

https://eatingdisorders.dukehealth.org/education/resources/starvation-experiment

https://nedc.com.au/eating-disorder-resources/find-resources/show/issue-59-i-the-starved-brain-can-what-we-eat-determine-how-we-think

https://www.apa.org/monitor/2013/10/hunger