Can Gottman Couples Therapy Help Your Relationship Improve?

If you are facing relationship struggles, Gottman Couples Therapy can provide you and your partner with the support you need to work through your problems. This approach to couple’s therapy is based on over 40 years of research conducted by Dr. John Gottman and his wife Dr. Julie Gottman.

The main goal of Gottman Couples Therapy is to help couples strengthen their relationships by improving communication, enhancing love, and building trust. The therapy process focuses on evidence-based interventions that have been shown to be effective in strengthening relationships.

One of the key elements of this therapy is the concept of “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” which refers to four negative communication patterns: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These patterns can be some of the most significant predictors of relationship breakdown. During the therapy sessions, the couples learn to recognize and avoid these patterns, which helps them to communicate more effectively.

Another essential component of Gottman Couples Therapy is the “Love Maps” exercise. This exercise involves creating a detailed understanding of each other’s inner worlds, including dreams, hopes, and fears. By building these Love Maps, couples can stay connected and understand each other better.

In addition, Gottman Couples Therapy helps couples to develop conflict management skills. During the therapy sessions, couples learn how to navigate argument and disagreements by expressing their own needs while also listening to their partner's feelings and concerns.

Gottman Couples Therapy also emphasizes the importance of reinforcing positive behavior. Couples are encouraged to express appreciation, admiration, and affection towards one another regularly. This allows the couple to build and maintain a strong foundation of love and positivity.

Overall, Gottman Couples Therapy is an evidence-based approach to counseling that can help couples work through various relationship challenges. By focusing on improved communication, increased trust, and building stronger emotional connections, couples can learn ways to enhance their relationship and increase their overall happiness.

The Steps and Stages of Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples

EFT for Couples is a three stage nine step process that takes a couple out of their negative repetitive fights that are causing a couple distress, anguish and pain and into a new place of bonding and connection where the fights are resolvable and solutions can be found. It was created by Dr. Susan Johnson and based on research in attachment theory and emotion, as well as, on systems, humanistic, and experiential treatment models. As a model itself, it has been validated by research to help about 70% of couples achieve some long term gain.

Stage One - Stabilization (assessment and de-escalation) 

In stage one of EFT, the therapist works empathically with the couple helping them identify and break the negative cycle, pattern or what Dr. Johnson calls the dance that keeps them separated and in emotional distress. During this stage of therapy, the therapist helps the couple begin to get more in touch with the underlying feelings, fears, and unmet relationship longings driving the negative dance. Experiencing these emotions and seeing their partner experience them, helps the couple to start to feel close again. Things at home start to go along more smoothly. There is a sense of calm and hope. Finally, in this stage, as de-escalation begins to take root, the individuals in the couple pair begin to see, feel, and understand that together they have created this dance of distress. Each person begins to understand more deeply the effect of his or her behavior on the other. Couple learns to work together as a team to stop the cycle.

Step 1: 
Assessment: Delineate conflict issues. Assess how these issues express core conflicts in the areas of separateness/ connectedness and dependence/ independence.
​
​Step 2:
Identify the negative interaction pattern or cycle.

Step 3:
Dive more deeply into and feel and share the emotions underlying and fueling each partners position in the cycle. 

Step 4:
Develop an understanding and experience of the problem (reframe) in terms of the cycle, the underlying emotions driving the cycle and the attachment needs which are normal and longing to be meant.

Stage Two - Bonding 

Once the couple begins to understand the dance they do together and is able to step back and stop it or repair it when it gets going at home, they are ready for stage two of EFT. Stage two essentially involves bonding moments where the couple begins to learn how to communicate their vulnerabilities to each other in a new and non-reactive manner. They are supported by the therapist to take risks in expressing their core sense of self, in asking for the other to be there for them and in requesting understanding and acceptance. Partners take turns reaching out to each other in vulnerability and responding back with empathy creating a new sense of togetherness and secure attachment.

Step 5:
Delve into and identify disowned needs and aspects of self that have been hidden for each partner.

​Step 6:
Promote acceptance of these tender and hidden parts, aspects of self and new ways of relating.

​Step 7:
Facilitate the expression of needs and wants, and restructure the interaction to create true emotional engagement.
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Stage 3 - Consolidation of Change

After the couple has finished the bonding and restructuring events of stage two, they will begin to feel more secure with each other. During stage three, they feel like a team again. The narrative of their relationship has shifted to one where the distress and conflict is understood, resolved, and just part of the story.

Step 8:
Facilitate the emergence of new solutions to old problematic relationship issues.

Step 9:
Consolidate new positions and cycles of emotional closeness and attachment.

Sure, people still fight and sometimes even go back into their cycle. This is normal and will happen especially during times of stress. However, they are able to pull themselves out of it and be there for each other because their sense of self and experience of the relationship has changed. Because of this new ability and sense and during stage three, the focus is more practical and mostly involves consolidating gains and problem solving.

Learn How to Connect With Your Child Through Play:

“You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.” –Plato

Utilizing play to connect with your child on a deeper level, will open the door for new shared experiences and new magical moments. Research has shown that children NEED play. It is their natural language and their way of relating to the world around them. Play helps a child to make sense of their experiences, feelings, desires, wants, and needs. It helps a child to develop a sense of self-concept and competency. 

So how can parents learn to utilize the natural language of their children (play) to get on their level and connect? Parents sometimes try to connect through words- asking their child to describe how they are feeling or the reason behind their tantrum- only to feel confused and disappointed at their child’s lack of words. Let’s try a different approach. 

The PRIDE skills are a helpful template for parents to use when connecting through play with their child. These skills will help guide how the interaction flows, focusing on the child directing the play. 

Praise appropriate behaviors

-As you watch your child engage in play, praise the behaviors that are appropriate and that you want to see more of. It’s helpful to be specific and clear in your praises to help the child understand what you are referring to. For example, “Great job at playing with your truck so quietly!” The goal of this skill is to increase the desired behaviors that your child is already showing and to let them know what you want to see more of.
Reflect appropriate talk

-Allow the child to direct the conversation as you are playing with them. Avoid asking questions. Instead, repeat the talk that you want to hear more of. This demonstrates to the child that you are actively listening and playing along with them. It also helps to increase verbal communication because it allows space for your child to talk in whatever way comes naturally, instead of constantly answering adult’s questions. Here are a few simple examples of reflecting appropriate talk: 

Child: I drew a house. Parent: You drew a house! 

Child: I like to play with these dolls! Parent: Those dolls are fun to play with!
Imitate appropriate play 

-Allow the child to direct what and how you are playing during this time. As the parent, it’s your job to simply imitate appropriate play that you want to see more of. This helps to foster more self-confidence and autonomy in your child, by allowing them to take the lead, and showing that you are willing and excited to follow along. So, if the child starts making food in their play kitchen, you join in as the sous-chef and make food alongside them!
Describe appropriate behavior verbally 

-As your child continues playing and switching to new toys, it’s helpful for parents to simply describe the behaviors they are witnessing. For example, “You’re moving the blocks around with your hands” or “You’re drawing a picture with your markers”. This has been shown to help increase a child’s attention and focus on whatever activity they are currently engaged in. Try to specifically describe what the child is doing with his/her hands to help draw their attention to the actions. This not only helps the child to focus, but it also shows them that their parent is intentionally watching and paying attention to their play.
Enthusiasm

-It is SO important for your child to see that you are enthusiastic about this play time the two of you are sharing together. Parents can show that they are excited to play through verbal and non-verbal encouragement: positive phrases and non-verbal cues such as smiling. Demonstrating enthusiasm in play allows the parents to serve as a role model for the child to see the expression of positive emotions. It also gives the child positive attention which is so powerful for them to feel loved and supported. 

Here are a few examples of enthusiastic phrases: 

“This is so much fun!”

“Wow you built such a great castle with your blocks!” 

Research shows that even 5-10 minutes of this intentional child-directed play can make all the difference in the relationship between child and parents. If you are interested in learning more about Peaceful Parenting techniques, book a session today!

Written by Jamie Rudden

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/JamieRuddenMFTI

Tips to Ease the Transition to Parenthood for Couples:

Brining a baby home is the start of an exciting, yet sometimes overwhelming, new chapter for a couple. It’s a chance for both partners to grow in their relationship as they discover new ways of creating shared meaning and goals for the whole family. These changes can sometimes feel uncomfortable and create conflict within the romantic relationship. Research shows that there is often a dip in relationship satisfaction during the first three years of the transition to parenthood. Babies are messy and they can disrupt the stability and balance that couples create in their romantic relationship. Becoming aware of the common challenges that new parents face will better equip you for the messy journey ahead.

Here are some common challenges that couples’ face when bringing baby home:

Differences in Parenting Styles:

Bringing a baby home means that a new set of rules, expectations, and boundaries are needed to be created to account for this third person coming into the relationship. Couples sometimes disagree on what these rules should look like, which is often when conflict arises. Perhaps your partner wishes to try the “cry-it-out” method, and you have a different vision of how you want to handle the nighttime routine. Learning how to navigate these disagreements and reach a point of compromise is an important skill for new parents to develop. One method that has been proven to help, is implementing an “empathetic dialogue”. This means listening to understand your partner’s point of view, before offering a different approach. Try to see if you can understand why your partner feels and believes in a certain parenting style, and where that belief may stem from. Once you each have a better understanding of each other’s worlds, then you can open the door for a discussion of creating a “compromised” parenting style that feels right for both parents. It's important to note that couples' disagreements on parenting styles is very common and very normal. It highlights the parent’s desire to do what they believe is best for their child, which is a positive thing. Being open to the influence of a partner and your willingness to create shared family rules are two helpful tools in navigating this transition.

Intimacy changes:

Many couples struggle with exhaustion, sleep deprivation, and low sex-drive during this transition period. The demands the new baby brings on the couple can be exhausting, and the romantic relationship may fall on the backburner to make time for new parenting responsibilities. It’s important to create an open conversation about expectations for intimacy. Which includes more than just sex. Intimacy can come in many forms such as hand holding, cuddling, kissing, back scratches, etc. Find out the different ways your partner likes to experience intimacy, and workshop how the two of you can find little moments in your daily life to foster that connection. It’s crucial that you avoid criticism or judgment in the conversations about intimacy. Partners may be coming from very different places with individual struggles and concerns. Be patient with your partner and yourself during this transition. If you are concerned that you or your partner may take sexual rejection personally, it’s important to discuss these concerns openly. Have a conversation about how you can approach when one partner is “not feeling up to it” so that it does not lead to hurt feelings of rejection or misunderstanding on either side.

         The transition to parenthood is a huge shift with inevitable challenges along the way. It is completely normal for couples to struggle with issues surrounding parenting styles, marital expectations, finances, household chores, and more. Although it may feel overwhelming at first, it is possible to create shared family goals, values, and rules that both parents are satisfied with. If you’re struggling with this transition and interested in learning more, book an appointment today for the research based Gottman technique “Bringing Baby Home”.

Written by Jamie Rudden

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/JamieRuddenMFTI

https://southtampacounselor.com/bringing-baby-home

How Psychotherapy Retrains the Brain to Expect (and Feel) Better!

People enter psychotherapy with the desire to feel better, but they are often unsure how therapy will help them accomplish this goal. A common refrain from people hesitant to enter therapy is, “How is talking going to help?” People are used to talking to other people to get practical solutions to problems, and while problem-solving does have a place in therapy, change also occurs on a much deeper and unconscious level. This process has to do with the way the human brain is programmed and cannot easily be mimicked outside of a relationship with a psychotherapist.

Our brains are always evolving unconsciously through our relationships. People who experienced painful relationships growing up have been trained to expect hurtful experiences with others. It takes a new type of relationship—in particular, a therapeutic relationship—to retrain the brain to expect more positive experiences, which is a big part of ultimately feeling better. 

WHY CAN’T A THERAPIST JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO?

To understand why the therapeutic relationship can be so valuable and cannot be mimicked by, for example, advice in a self-help book, it is instructive to look at how the human brain has evolved. Broadly, there are three parts of the human brain that represent different phases of evolution: There is the reptilian brain, which evolved first and is responsible for the automatic control of vital bodily functions such as breathing; the limbic brain, which evolved second and is responsible for the regulation of emotion and behavior; and the neocortex, which evolved last and is responsible for higher-order functions such as symbolic thought, language, and reasoning.

When a person asks their therapist or a friend what they should do about something, they are essentially asking for a neocorticol solution—something that is rational and can be consciously implemented. Often, however, their problems are a result of hurtful experiences in their earlier relationships that have caused changes in their limbic brain, and only a new type of relationship can alter their limbic brain to produce fewer negative emotions and more positive ones.

BRAIN WIRING IN OUR YOUTH: HOW EMOTIONAL ISSUES BEGIN

Our emotions are meant to help us survive in a world in which we need the help of others. Over time, our limbic brains evolved to automatically create emotions, such as anger and sadness, that are meant to help us navigate the social world. When someone mistreats us, evolution has programmed us to become angry to try and change their behavior. When someone rejects us, we feel sad so we can mourn the loss of what we wanted with them and move forward with our lives.

However, when we are young and particularly dependent on others for survival, whether our emotions actually help us navigate the world has a lot to do with how other people—our parents in particular—respond to them. A child who responds to unfair or disappointing experiences with anger and is further punished for doing so may, over time, come to unconsciously pair the expression of anger with pain. As this occurs, rather than directly experiencing anger at times of unfair treatment or disappointment, they may instead experience anxiety about having anger because their brain has been trained by their social environment to expect that anger will hurt rather than help. Their limbic system is in effect attempting to prevent further emotional pain in the form of being punished, but the cost is another type of emotional pain in the form of persistent anxiety. This can be particularly problematic when people enter into new relationships (friendships, romantic relationships) where there would not be the same costs associated with the open expression of an emotion like anger, but earlier experiences still create anxiety and inhibit its expression.

RETRAINING THE BRAIN WITH PSYCHOTHERAPY

A psychotherapy relationship allows a person to essentially retrain their limbic system to no longer expect negative reactions to the expression of certain emotional experiences, and in doing so can alleviate the anxiety and unconscious emotional suppression their earlier experiences programmed into them. The therapeutic relationship does this in part because the parameters of psychotherapy recreate the type of relationship in which a person was first forced to suppress their emotions: one where they are dependent on another person to meet their needs.

A successful course of therapy helps restore a person’s emotional flexibility and empowerment so they can have greater agency in their relationships.

Just as a parent has a daunting task in meeting all of a child’s needs, so too does a psychotherapist, especially since many people arrive to therapy wanting a conscious, rational solution to their problems when such a solution often does not exist. Therapy presents a unique opportunity to heal and feel better by the way the therapist solicits and responds to feelings such as disappointment, anger, and sadness that emerge over the course of treatment. Rather than punishing a person for having these emotional experiences in the same way that may have occurred when they were younger, a therapist can actively solicit, explore, and normalize their feelings. This helps to retrain a person’s limbic system to no longer pair the expression of those emotions with punishment. As this de-coupling unconsciously occurs, the person becomes more easily able to tolerate the experience and expression of emotions.

THRIVING IN ADULTHOOD

This shift in tolerance for emotions naturally causes a person’s anxiety level to diminish because their mind is no longer fighting to ward off their innate emotional impulses. In addition to symptom relief, the beautiful part of this process is it restores a person’s ability to constructively access their emotions for their original purpose—as a way of helping to navigate the social world. It is hard to thrive in relationships when we have been programmed to believe we must accept the mistreatment of others or that we cannot show others when we are hurting and in need of care. As adults, this is often no longer the case, but our early experiences may make such underlying beliefs unconsciously feel true.

A successful course of therapy helps restore a person’s emotional flexibility and empowerment so they can have greater agency in their relationships. The result can be genuinely transformative, and studies suggest people who have been through therapy show less activity in the areas of the brain responsible for creating negative emotions. Talking, it turns out, can help quite a bit when the person you are talking to is a skilled and compassionate therapist.

If you’re struggling, reach out to a therapist in your area for help.

References:

1. Bowlby, J. (2005). A secure base: Clinical applications of attachment theory (Vol. 393). UK: Taylor & Francis.

2. Cozolino, L. (2010). The neuroscience of psychotherapy: Healing the social brain. New York, NY: W.W. Norton & Company.

3. Damasio, A. R. (2006). Descartes’ error. New York, NY: Random House.

4. Grecucci, A., Theuninck, A., Frederickson, J., & Job, R. (2015). Mechanisms of social emotion regulation: From neuroscience to psychotherapy. In Emotion regulation: Processes, cognitive effects and social consequences, pp.57-84.

5. Karlsson, H. (2011). How psychotherapy changes the brain: Understanding the mechanisms. Psychiatric Times, 21.

6. Lewis, T., Amini, F., & Lannon, R. (2007). A general theory of love. New York, NY: Vintage.

7. MacLean, P. D. (1990). The triune brain in evolution: Role in paleocerebral functions. Berlin: Springer Science & Business Media.

Narcissistic Abuse: Tips for Recognizing and Recovering

When I bring up the word “Abuse” with my clients I notice they are prone to discount their experience because they don’t’ see their situation as being “real abuse.” Abuse is a spectrum, and the word doesn’t do justice to describe the many forms of subtle and overt abusive behaviors and toxic relational dynamics. Narcissistic abuse is a very real form of abuse. The power and control dynamics might not include physical or sexual violence, although they can, but the psychological, emotional, interpersonal, and spiritual effects devastate individuals who find themselves trapped in the narcissistic abuse cycle. This post intends to do two things: 

1. Describe the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse to help those suffering recognize they are not “crazy.” This is a definable pattern that many others are experiencing.

2. Provide some practical tools and tips to cope and eventually recover from said abuse.

The narcissistic abuse cycle can be defined as a “pattern of highs and lows in which the narcissist confuses their partner through manipulation and calculated behaviors aimed at making their partner question themselves” (Hammond, 2015). I want to make it clear that your partner does not have to have an official diagnosis of “narcissist” for your situation to be a valid case of narcissistic abuse. Media and pop culture usually only portray the most extreme examples of narcissism thus exacerbating the problem and preventing victims from getting help. 

The cycle involves three phases that work in tandem with each other. 

The first stage is Idealization. 

This is the stage where your partner makes you feel like the most special person in the world. The term “love bombing” comes to mind. You might feel as if you’ve never been loved or adored for like this before. The pursuer will become vigilant in giving attention to you and will shower their “target” with gifts, compliments, and promises. 

The idealization phase may include: 

• Love-bombing

• A lot of attention given to partner

• Grandiose gestures

• Elaborate gifts and dates

• Discussing marriage

• Lack of boundaries

• Attempts to isolate partner in the name of love

• Quickly moving into intimacy

• Creates a sense of ownership of partner and the relationship (Hammond, 2015).

The second phase is devaluation.

During this stage, you might start to notice your partner acting one way with you and one way in public which makes it hard to understand which person they really are. If you express concern, you might be labeled as “jealous” or “needy” or a “nag,” The disillusionment at this stage makes some cling harder to the memory of when things were ideal. You might have an intuitive feeling that something is wrong but because of the hot and cold nature of their affection for a time, it is easier to push that voice down. A huge red flag is that you begin to doubt yourself. You begin to see the real person for who they are, and you notice more incongruency in their behavior. This is where the abuse really starts to hurt and many start to exhibit anxiety, depression, obsessive thoughts, develop a trauma bond, amongst other symptoms. Visit this resource to learn more. This is where people get trapped because they are so beaten down and confused, it seems easier to just stay for fear of what might happen or what threats might be made.  

The devaluation phase might include:  

• Attempting to change their partner

• Increasing criticism and insults

• Gaslighting

• Physical threats

• Poor communication

• Increased violation of boundaries

• Triangulation

• More isolation or control over their partner

• Withholding physical, emotional, and sexual intimacy (Hammond, 2015).

Finally, the third phase is rejection. 

In this phase, the narcissistic partner rejects their partner and essentially places complete blame of the downfall of the relationship on their partner. In healthy relationships conflicts and disagreements are navigated with patience, grace, and the use of helpful problem solving skills. In narcissistic abuse relationships, there are no compromises. It is if the victimized partner doesn’t even exist, and they begin to lose any power or autonomy. Sometimes the cycle repeats itself over and over. Sometimes, once the phases are complete, the abuser become disinterested and finds another partner to begin another cycle with. 

The rejection phase may include: 

• Feelings of contempt and rage

• Betraying the relationship

• Invalidating their partner’s emotions and placing all the blame on them

• Playing the victim

• Physical, emotional, and verbal abuse

• Ending the relationship permanently or temporarily with attempts to continue this cycle of abuse (Hammond, 2015).

Now that I have described, briefly, common signs and symptoms of the narcissistic abuse, I will provide some tips for coping. At the end of the article, I have provided additional resources for you to begin your journey to safety and recovery. 

1. Label the Abuse

Once you recognize the abuse and have educated yourself about it labeling it is a vital step towards healing. Consider communicating what you are learning out loud to a trusted person.  

2. End the relationship if you haven’t already done that.

Get in touch with a trusted person, a professional, or your family to create a safety plan if necessary before you leave. 

3. Set Clear and Specific Boundaries

Setting clear boundaries requires discipline but it is vital to protect you from getting manipulated or tricked again. If you share children with your ex-partner and must make contact, make sure you have clear boundaries and a safety plan.  

4. Seek Support

The resources attached to this blog are a great way to find support during this hard time. Additionally, reaching out to a therapist will help you tell your side of the story, be validated, and learn how to grief. A therapist can support you in creating new patterns of living and implement new coping skills. 

5. Rediscover Yourself

In many cases, the abusive relationship has taken over your mind, emotions, physical health, and schedule. Once you are ready it is important you take the time to rediscover who you are, what you want, what you like, what you enjoy, what you need, and how you want to see yourself. This can seem daunting but there is not rush. Rediscovering ourselves is a life long process and we change throughout life. The key is that you recognize you have been deprived of your voice and allow yourself to rediscover it. 

There is no way I can describe all that narcissistic abuse is and how to recover in this short blog but my hope for you is that you feel validated and affirmed if you or someone you know is suffering or trapped in this cycle. There is hope, people can leave their partner, grief the loss, and heal. If you are unsure if you want to start therapy as a part of your healing, I offer free consultations and it would be a pleasure to hear your story and get to know you!

By Shaundra McGuire, MFTI Book With Shaundra: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ShaundraMcguireMFTI

Additional Resources: 

Stages of Narcissistic Abuse - Narcissist Abuse Support

https://narcissisticabusevictims.org/

You Are Not Alone - Educate Yourself - Find Support - Get Healed - Find Peace Again - Narcissist Abuse Support

What is the Gottman Method for Couples, Relationships, and Families?

What is the Gottman Approach to therapy and counseling? 

I’ll explain~

I absolutely love the Gottman’s therapeutic approach! There is so much that can be said about this method. If you have never heard about this couple’s approach in therapy, then let me give you a little bit of insight. The Gottman Method aims "to disarm conflicting verbal communication; increase intimacy, respect, and affection; remove barriers that create a feeling of stagnancy, and create a heightened sense of empathy and understanding within the context of the relationship." Interventions used in the Gottman Method are research-based and grounded in the Sound Relationship House theory, which specifies nine elements of a healthy relationship. Imagine a house with seven floors and two weight bearing walls.

Floor 1 - Build Love Maps.

Love maps are important because the whole relationship begins on the firm foundation of truly knowing one another. Each partner knows the ins and outs of their partner. In an ideal relationship, you and your partner know one another better than anyone else.

Floor 2 – Share Fondness and Admiration.

We all love to hear something nice about ourselves, right? This is a need, and it means the most when it comes from your loved one. Vocalizing your admiration for one another and being able to articulate the big and little reasons you love each other is huge!

Floor 3 – Turn Towards.

When you need attention, support, and comfort from your partner, you more than likely say or do something to elicit a response from your partner. This what is referred to as a “bid”. When your partner replies with what you need, this is them turning toward. Turning away from one another, or AGAINST each other is asking for trouble. Turning away disrupts the safe space you both need to express yourselves and needs.

Floor 4 – The Positive Perspective.

Your outlook on life and on your relationship is shaped so much by your perspectives and cognitions. When in a healthy relationship, couples see the best in each other and don’t jump to conclusions filled with judgement and criticism if one partner forgets to pick up their socks or give you a kiss goodbye. Truly believing you both are on the same team strengthens the relationship from inside out.

Floor 5 – Manage Conflict.

Conflict is going to happen! It’s inevitable but knowing what to do when it presents itself is key. You need to accept partner’s influence, communicate about the conflict, and be able to self-soothe.

Floor 6 – Make Life Dreams Come True.

Healthy relationships involve having a partner in life who encourages and helps you reach your goals. Making each other’s life dreams come true shows your partner that you want the best possible life for them and are willing to do what it takes to make that dream happen.

Floor 7 – Create Shared Meaning.

Congratulations, you have reached the top floor. This is where you build and understand an inner world as a COUPLE. The Gottman’s believe that developing your own culture of symbols and rituals is what expresses WHO you are as a TEAM. It continues to deepen your connection together. These are referred to as Rituals of Connection and they define you as a unit. The best part of this is that you create them together.

Weight Bearing Walls – Trust and Commitment. Without trust and commitment, the 7 floors can’t hold together, and it will fall apart.

In a healthy and supportive relationship, the partners are CHOOSING to have faith in one another and to be committed to each other. There is no force, and you are freely loving one another and pledging to help that love grow.

 

Author: Crystin Nichols, MFTI

Book With Me: https://southtampatherapybookappt.as.me/CrystinNicholsMFTI

Resources

1. About The Gottman Method. The Gottman Institute. 2021.

2. What is The Sound Relationship House? The Gottman Institute. 2022.

Couples Therapy: Like you’ve never experienced before…

In a Nutshell, What Is Couples Counseling?

If you're reading this, your relationship is likely struggling right now. You might even be considering divorce.. Let me start by telling you I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time.

If you're like most couples I see, you've probably come across an online article claiming that all of your relationship's difficulties can be traced to communication breakdowns.. If you could effectively communicate with your partner, you would be able to fix things.… 

And that’s true! I have the tools to teach you how.

That's the problem: it is ineffective advice when you're in the middle of a disaster.. Obviously, if you could communicate better, your relationship would be better. But you can’t, so it’s not. 

But there is hope! I will guide you in session and give you evidence based tools to use between sessions, to apply 4 easy steps to communicate to get to the root of the issues.

Whenever you and your partner try to communicate – Even deciding what to have for dinner can be tough, You may as well forget about trying to have an actually meaningful conversation. – it just turns into another fight, nothing gets resolved, and makes everything even worse.

Then it is just brushed under the rug to linger... until the next argument. Ugh... How exhausting! 

And sure, that might be because your partner is trying to pick a fight (not realizing that all attacks are unskilled ways of trying to get a need met). And more than likely, there was an emotional injury at some point in time that went unaddressed – a crack in your friendship that never healed. Over time, you’ve grown more distant and further apart, until you’re constantly feeling resentful, annoyed, frustrated, hurt, disappointed, and down right angry.

Oftentimes, we know something is wrong but can't seem to put our finger on the problem. If this is where you're at, don't worry.

I am here for you both! I want to help you uncover the root of the problem, rekindle your relationship, and equipped you with the right tools for future success. most likely, the issues are learned behaviors. The beauty of working with learned behaviors is that we can learn how to SHOW UP in our relationships with ourselves and our partner in a much healthier and powerful way.

4 Ways Couples Therapy Is Different with Me:

1. I get to the CORE of the issue.

Too often, couples therapists begin couples work without adequately assessing for each person’s background and the couple’s joint history related to the presenting problems. 

This is where the Gottman Assessment really helps me to conceptualize the problem to formulate a game plan from the get-go!

If you only go to therapy and talk about the problems you're having RIGHT NOW, it's like putting a band aid on a wound when the actual problem is internal bleeding. If you want to work through your problems more effectively, we’ll get to the root cause of the issues you’re experiencing based on each of your needs. 

When we work together, I will begin by asking you to tell me more about:

• your individual narratives

• your family dynamics and how you saw your parents argue (or not)

• your communication styles when fighting

• how your relationship started

• the current state of your relationship and how you got here

• what your ideal relationship looks like (among other questions)

I hear it time and time again from clients about how the assessment procedure was beneficial to them, how it helped everything click for them to finally start seeing a difference in their relationship. 

I also understand that talking about your history might make you feel vulnerable and taking this step requires bravery, but I assure you it's worth it..

2. I equip you with the tools and know-how to achieve long-term relationship success..

Oftentimes, clients come to me and say that couples therapy has failed them in the past because it didn't provide concrete tools for long term success and accountability. While addressing particular issues or complaints can be beneficial, without the necessary communication and listening abilities to interact with one another empathically – and listen compassionately - any discussions we have about your challenges will be ineffective.

So, we start working on specific skills. Such as:

• How to initiate a conversation in a softened way

• How to repair or de-escalate heated conversations

• How to emotionally self-regulate when you feel triggered

• How to come into dialogue in a productive way

• How to compromise based on feelings and needs

Couples are surprised at how quickly they’re able to talk with each other in a calm, compassionate, and respectful manner.

Once you and your partner have worked through some tension and built up resentment in an emotionally safe way, you will be able to understand each other on a much deeper level. Trust builds when we learn how to implement compassionate communication (NVC).

“Well,” you may ask, “Isn't it rather simple? Why haven't we been able to solve this on our own"? "Please understand, this isn't your fault".

When you've been stuck in this vicious cycle and these patterns are ingrained, you may tend to keep creating these predictable bad habits of how you deal with conflict. You start to make assumptions about your partner, your armor goes up and you go into self-protection and defensiveness mode. It becomes less and less easy to give each other the benefit of the doubt that is necessary to sustain a long-term compassionate relationship.

My goal is to help you rediscover that grace, that softness. And ultimately, to help you hit the rest button to INTENTIONALLY create the relationship that you desire and rediscover yourselves too.

3. I help you recognize and understand the role comorbidity (anxiety, depression, ADHD, trauma, addiction, etc) may play in your relationship. 

Basically, comorbidity means your brain is wired a little differently.

And honestly, the more I learn about comorbidity, the more I see just how common it is. Yet so often, it is either not acknowledged, or is seen as something that is wrong – something to blame. 

Even if you don’t have comorbidity in your relationship, this approach is still highly applicable. The basis of comorbidity couples counseling is to help each partner understand, accept, and embrace their differences while working together as a team to overcome obstacles together without blame. 

Comorbidity or not, in working with me your way of seeing the world will be acknowledged, not criticized. 

For many couples I see, discovering comorbidity may be a freeing discovery. It allows them to reframe their relationship, and everything begins to make sense. 

With my trainings in both the Gottman Method, Compassionate Communication, and Comorbidity Couples Counseling, I’m able to provide an organized framework for you to work within, while still flexibly tailoring my approach to your specific relationship needs. 

4. We don’t have to stop at the 50 minute mark. I offer add-on time to customize sessions to meet your needs

You can choose to do 90- 150 minute sessions (or more), not just 50-minute sessions. 

If you've been to couples counseling before, then you know the drill. You describe the problem, communicate your feelings, make steps in the right direction… but just when you really start to dig into it, and peel back the layers~ time's up. You have so much left to say. And by next week’s session, you’ve lost your train of thought, and there are new and more pressing issues to address. 

By offering longer sessions, I’m able to devote the time needed for you to see real progress each week.

We're able to take on large-ticket items and actually reach a resolution that you may put into practice immediately.

Practice Empathy in Three Ways: Cognitively, Emotionally, and Somatically

You must first take off your own shoes to put yourself in someone else's shoes.

We stretch our hearts and minds beyond our own experiences, viewpoints, and feelings in order to imagine what it's like to be inside someone else's head. We employ imagination, creativity, and instinct to envision what life is like for them.

Listening with empathy is a fundamental component of coming from curiosity and care, as well as the foundation of discussion. Here are three strategies to start practicing incorporating more empathy into your daily life that integrate living purposefully and empathetically.

PRACTICE: Empathy

It's important to remember that practicing this doesn't have to be limited to situations in which you are the center of attention. Its easier to feel for others when you aren't being attacked. Remember that empathy isn't something you put into words; it's a quality of presence in your heart. Aim to comprehend the other person's situation and let the conversation unfold organically.

SILENT EMPATHIC PRESENCE: Practice listening completely, with the heartfelt intention to understand and "feel into" what the other person is saying. How is this issue for them?

PARAPHRASE: After listening, summarize the gist of what you've heard. What are the key features of what they've said? It's also possible that repeating just a few words will be enough.

EMPATHIC REFLECTION: After listening, check that you understand by reflecting what you hear is most important to them. This may include how they feel and/or what they need. What's at the heart of this individual's narrative? What can you do to assist them to feel understood? Remember to phrase your reflections as questions and double-check that you're correct.

There are other methods for conveying compassion. We may convey empathy by giving a kind word, with a loving touch, or by describing how we're feeling in response to what we've heard. By expressing interest with open-ended questions like "Tell me more," "What else?"

As an example, my daughter's friend a freshman who is usually cheerful and bubbly, began showing up early to practice. I struck up a conversation and realized how much she was struggling. This friend was saying, "I don't want to go to this school anymore," and was thinking about dropping out. I noticed the impulse to go into problem-solving mode, an old habit of mine. Having just finished another book on empathy, I paused and decided to try listening instead. "Tell me more. What's going on?"

She began to open up. She was being bullied. She felt sad, alone, and depressed. Every time I noticed the urge to fix or solve, I attended to feeling the weight of my body and my feet on the floor, and resisted the temptation to offer solutions. I focused my attention on what she was feeling and reflected what I was hearing. She began to cry, oscillating between speaking, sobbing, and awkwardly making eye contact as if to check whether all of this was okay. There were a lot of tears, tissues, and long moments in which I simply held her gaze.

She spoke more about her feelings of sadness, loneliness, and not feeling valued. "I've felt like this since first grade," she mentioned. "Was that the first time you felt so sad and alone?" I inquired. No, it started when she was three, when her dad left. They looked at each other, realizing they'd hit the root of her pain. Eventually they explored what she might need at school. They came up with some strategies to address the bullying. She decided to stay in school and to make a public art piece for the classroom about depression.

This is the power of which empathy may help us. With a listening spirit, we can absorb each statement made, each emotion felt. Healing and change are possible if we come from a place of curiosity and care rather than our usual mode of behavior.

PRINCIPLES

People are more likely to be willing to listen when they feel heard. To build understanding, reflect before you respond.

KEY POINTS

The desire to comprehend is frequently expressed through listening, which entails putting away our own ideas, emotions, opinions, and views temporarily.

We can listen in many ways:

• With complete, wholehearted presence

• To the content of what someone says

• To the feelings and needs beneath the content

Staying connected in conversation helps us build understanding and

collaborate:

DON'T LET THE CALL DROP: Seek to establish and maintain connection in conversation.

REFLECT BEFORE YOU RESPOND: Confirm that you're hearing each other accurately before moving on. This "completes a cycle' of communication.

At the heart of listening is empathy, which includes:

• Cognitive empathy: seeing things from another's perspective

• Affective empathy: feeling another's emotions

• Somatic empathy: sensing another's embodied experience

Q & A

Q: What if someone wants advice? Is that ever okay?

Of course. When someone asks for advice, you might try offering empathy

first. I'll often say, I'm happy to share some of my ideas, but first I just want

to take in what you've said. I'll follow that with an empathic reflection of

what I'm hearing and check if I've understood. This can help the other

person process their experience and clarify what matters. I then circle back

to inquire if they still want advice; sometimes it's no longer relevant.

If the tables are turned and you want to give someone advice, check

first. Let them know: "I have an idea that I think might be helpful. Are you

open to some advice?" This honors their autonomy, minimizes the chances

that your input will be disempowering, and guards against giving advice

as a way of soothing your own anxiety.

Q: I've been exploring these empathy tools with close friends and family

and my new approach creates a lot of awkwardness. What do you do

when others expect you to communicate in a certain way?

It can be confusing when our attempts to create more connection backfire.

Part of what you are experiencing is the relational dimension of communication habits. They occur in a dynamic, so when we shift it affects others.

It also may simply be the learning curve; it takes time to find an authentic

voice with these tools.

Let go of the form and focus on your genuine intention to connect.

What would help this person to feel heard? If someone is used to us

showing care by asking questions or agreeing and we respond by reflecting

their needs, that may throw them off. Try to tune in to what they want.

When all else fails, let people know that you're trying something new that

you hope will bring you closer. Ask them to humor you while you learn.

What Makes You Feel Loved In Your Relationship?

Love Languages

Do you know what makes you feel loved in a relationship? Many times, we may think we know what makes us feel loved yet when we ask for things out of our partner, our needs are still not being met. This could be because what you think is your love language, may not actually be what makes you feel loved. Knowing your love language and your partner's love language is important in a relationship. When you both know what makes the other person feel truly loved, then both of you can actively participate in those forms of love for one another. More times than not, the way one person is showing their love towards you is the exact way that they are wanting to be loved by you.

There are 5 main love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. Knowing what your partner needs to feel loved by you and taking the initiative to actively provide that for them can strengthen and deepen the connection between the two of you. I like to have my couples that I work with take a short quiz to discover how each language of love ranks for them individually. I ask them to take this quiz separately and to be completely honest with themselves while taking it. Once they both have done this, I ask them to bring their results into our session so we can go over the results.

The reason I like to go over the results with the couples is because each love language can look different to every person. For example, the love language "quality time" can look very different for each partner. So, if one person scores high in this area, then it is a good idea to define what quality time looks like for the person who scored high. This way there is no confusion and a mutual understanding moving forward. If this is something you may be interested in, either individually or as a couple, then I recommend taking this quiz https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language. The results may surprise you!

Author: Crystin Nichols, MFTI

Book Appointment: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/CrystinNicholsMFTI

Betrayal and Relational Trauma: How We Get Stuck in Trauma Bonds

There is hope!

If you are feeling stuck in trauma bonds, it's important to understand that there is hope. You can heal from this experience and even come out stronger on the other side. But it will require time, patience, and a willingness to do the work.

A tsunami of strong feelings might follow the discovery of your spouse's infidelity. After the initial shock and perplexity, most betrayed spouses battle for some time to regain control over their tumultuous feelings driven by intrusive thoughts and reminders. Infidelity, according to Patrick Carnes, a pioneer in the treatment of sexual addiction, can be as traumatic as sexual assault

It's critical to understand how and why the event changes our brain and behavior while recovering from infidelity. Staying curious while discussing what betrayal trauma looks like for both partners, as well as how this shared suffering might lead to harmful patterns in their interactions with one another- these patterns sometimes known as trauma bonds.

What Does Trauma Look Like?

The symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) are similar to those caused by betrayal. Trauma causes intrusive thoughts, avoidance, and hyperarousal in individuals with PTSD.

Intrusive thoughts are persistent, unwanted reminders of the traumatic experience, such as flashbacks (reliving the terrible event as if it were happening again) or nightmares about it.

Avoidance can take on a variety of forms, including trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic experience, as well as avoiding places, activities, or people that may remind you of it.

Hyperarousal is characterized by a feeling of distress and anxiety, which can extend to other areas such as difficulty sleeping, being easily startled, sluggish brain function, trouble focusing, and irritability.

Symptoms are frequently changing and varied from person to person. These same symptoms, when combined with detrimental changes in thinking and mood, can result in:

• Negative thoughts about yourself and others.

• Feel hopeless and powerless when the future appears bleak.

• Forgetfulness.

• Detachment from career, family, and friends.

• Lack of interest in activities you once enjoyed.

• It's difficult to experience pleasant feelings..

• Feeling emotionally flat and numb.

So, What Are the Causes of These Changes?

Betrayal trauma can alter your physiology due to the neurobiological changes that are taking place in your limbic system. Your body enters a fight, flight, or freeze (and sometimes fawn or collapse) reaction as a result of these adjustments.

When our amygdala senses danger, the hypothalamus activates the sympathetic nervous system, which causes epinephrine, also known as adrenaline, to be released. Adrenaline makes our heart beat faster and our lungs breathe more effectively on a good workout or training day. When we're stressed, our body releases hormones such as adrenaline, which help us stay safe and alert. It increases blood flow to the brain and muscles, making our mind more attentive to the situation and boosting blood sugar levels for vitality. When we are emotionally or physically scared, this surge of adrenaline is meant to keep us safe and alive.

When the danger level rises to a certain point, the hippocampus instructs the adrenal glands to produce cortisol. The hippocampus is essential for thinking, learning, memory, and behavioral management. Our brain needs to focus on problem solving during extreme stress, such as betrayal and relational trauma. Because you're overwhelmed with stress, your hippocampus isn't functioning well. The end result is conflict or flight from the stress/threat rather than problem solving in order to resolve it.

All of the same things that I previously stated are going on in a freeze response, with one exception: our subconscious has deemed this stress to be too hazardous. The sympathetic nervous system is no longer solely in command. The dorsal vagus nerve is activated on the back side, and it drags us into a condition of self-protection. When we are in risk of physical or emotional harm, whether real or imagined, we may shut down. We may appear calm but, inside, we are emotionally numb and frozen.

Finally, collapse response is comparable to that of freeze; it's a condition of hypo excitation. The dorsal vagus nerve screams, "This is too much!" and goes quiet. We are no longer seeking for methods to survive (fight or flight) but rather for a way to fall apart physically and emotionally. We may be unable to speak or feel removed or disconnected from our bodies. Our blood pressure, temperature, and heart rate drop dramatically. We might even faint or become unconscious in severe situations.

The fluctuating cycles of cortisol levels are detrimental to your immune system and general health. Even after an affair's initial discovery or disclosure, your brain can be bombarded with reminders that flood it with adrenaline and cortisol. This is one of the reasons why it's so difficult for your brain to accept and process this traumatic event, and subsequently let down its guard. The symptoms of PTSD are caused by this higher level of anxiety and isolation.What Do We Do About It?

You may not be interested in the neuroscience aspect, but you can still be interested in when your brain is offline or online. The Hypo-aroused and Hyper-aroused brains are both "offline." We can reclaim our center by practicing observing what goes on inside us while we're "offline". What do we think about and how are we physiologically feeling, such as our heart rate and breath? Are we hot or cold, sweaty or clammy? Do we feel numbness or strong emotions? Meditation, exercise, yoga, and journaling can help us stay centered.

What is Trauma Bonding?

Every relationship reacts to trauma differently. Both partners are frequently on the fight, flight, fawn or freeze continuum, but they're rarely in the same place at the same time, contributing to the negative cycle that couples dealing with infidelity's trauma find themselves in.

After being a therapist for 20 years, I have seen distorted and adaptive bonds form between partners. Some people call these "trauma bonds". It is crucial to understand your trauma as well as your spouse's, and have a working understanding of what is going on in both of your brains.

Here are a few examples of traumatic bond cycles that aren't helpful:

• For more than 6-9 months after discovery, the victim is fixated on the event, what occurred, and why...

• Between wanting a divorce and wanting to work things out, there's an endless debate.

• You and your spouse are continuing to have abusive debates.

• Keeping your relationship a secret from others who might criticize you for attempting to work it out.

• Breaking commitments to yourself or each other and expecting things to get better.

• Feelings of closeness one minute, followed by painful memories and outbursts the next are typical..

It may be useful to take a step back and examine the cycle of events in which you two escalate when you talk about specifics and reminders. Consider whether the way we are discussing the facts of the affair is pushing us closer to forgiveness or making matters worse. Still, you both need to be curious about this cycle that you are co-creating as you work to reconcile. As a reminder, you are both responsible for the co-creation of a new relationship starting today.

If you find that you and your spouse are in an unhelpful cycle, please don't beat yourself up for it; notice it without any shame and be curious about how you can begin to work through the trauma of infidelity more productively.

I'll be sharing more about this topic in future Free Resources, so stay tuned. In the meantime, if you're looking for more resources on this topic, I recommend reading Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass (the best book that I have found to help couples recover and heal from infidelity and relational trauma) and The Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes.

If you are struggling with infidelity in your relationship, please reach out for help. This is not something that you have to go through alone. I offer individual and couples counseling services and have experience helping people heal from betrayal trauma. You can text me here to set up a consultation. 813-240-3237 or book online:

www.SouthTampaCounselor.com/BookAppointment

I hope this has been helpful. Please feel free to reach out. Until next time!

Couples Counseling South Tampa: Couples Reveal What They Have Learned In Therapy

As a marriage and family therapist in Tampa, Florida, I have received feedback from several different clients. I combine some of the most powerful approaches utilizing Internal Family Systems, Compassionate Communication and Non-Violent Communication, The Gottman Method, Emotion Focused Therapy, Holistic Psychology, CBT, and DBT.

Here are the 10 best lessons couples learned from therapy.

1. Go to therapy sooner rather than later.

   It is best to go to a counselor before sh*t hits the fan. This way, you can start to develop conflict resolution and communication skills before resentment builds. Establishing a therapeutic relationship with a counselor early on can be beneficial when and if you find yourselves in a rut. Having an unbiased and supportive counselor can help you and your partner maintain a healthy relationship when and if you need support along your relationship journey.

2. You are on the same team.

   There is no winning and you don’t need to fight against each other. Therapy is a great tool and safe space to really work through things together. Meeting both of our needs, growing, and thriving together is the goal. We often ask ourselves, are you trying to listen to understand or are you trying to be right?

3. Play and have fun together.

   Unstructured quality time to just be living purely in the moment increases connection, creativity, and releases negativity. A couple that plays together stays together!

4. Unfinished business of childhood can show up in adulthood.

   Continuing to work on intrinsic positive change is a lifelong learning process. Insight and empathy can help partners understand conflict in a whole new light. When we create an awareness of patterns and habits we are able to create awareness regarding intentional choices in real time. If we are not aware, we keep reacting. Responding intentionally knowing what is happening is being awake to our inner experiences. Self-witnessing is a tremendous tool that can be used in so many facets of our lives. Practicing compassion for our partner's story, and becoming more empathetic to each other, we could actually help our partner heal from their painful childhood experiences.

5. It is not about changing the issue, it is about understanding.

   We have learned so much about communication and the ways to really listen to understand one another. Most people listen to try to change the other person’s perspective. When we get into trying to change the other person, defensiveness comes into the game. When defensiveness shows up, it creates disconnect. Communication either connects us and helps us get needs met or it disconnects us and sabotages our needs. We feel all sorts of negative feelings when our needs are not being met. However, we are in homeostasis when our needs are met and feel positive emotions. Our feelings are always signals to pay attention to which provide data about whether our needs are being met or not. When we know what we need, we are in a powerful position to get the needs met intentionally. When we do not know what we need, we will probably be in autopilot, reactionary-mode. Tune into your inner worlds so that you can understand yourself. When we understand, we can communicate honestly about what is happening internally.

6. Our thoughts are the root cause of anger.

   Anger masks more vulnerable feelings like hurt, disappointment, and sadness. It's helpful when both partners understand that the words or behavior hurts their partner, even when their partner tends to react with anger or stonewalling. Therapy can help couples connect — which includes learning how to get calmer and go slower rather than to lay out their arguments about who's "right".

7. Hear your partner out before letting emotions get in the way.

   Getting guidance from a therapist around how to listen to each other without being emotionally charged about the topic can help couples stay engaged in the conversation, to accept influence from one another, and compromise based on needs. This is huge! We can stay curious about what is actually happening in the moment. When our partners feel heard and understood, they are in a better position to hear us too. Listen to each other without reacting! This sounds so simple but bad habits can be hard to break and its beneficial to have a therapist as a sounding board to make neutral observations.

8. Conflict is normal, you will have different perspectives at times, and disagreements are inevitable in every relationship.

   There will be different stages throughout life and couples will never stop getting to know one another. The most important thing is that you listen, respect, and acknowledge each other's viewpoints. Many times, people listen to respond and not to understand — which is one of the biggest reasons why many relationships fail. Attending couples therapy, can help partners communicate feelings, emotions, and concerns more effectively. Counseling equips couples with valuable skills that will be instrumental throughout their lifetime and once they become parents.

9. Marriage therapy taught us how to communicate about our needs and desires without hurting the other person.

   When we are emotionally and intimately disconnected, it is challenging to help each other to feel heard and understood. The way we deal with conflict is directly correlated to intimacy. Change the way we fight, change the way we love. When we trust each other more and give each other the benefit of the doubt, we're less hurt when the other person isn't in the same place as us in the moment, We may still have issues and hurt feelings from time to time, but we're better equipped to handle those problems when they come up.

10. Psycho-education and therapy helped couples identify patterns.

    One partner was pretty direct and the other partner tended to be more thoughtful in the way he delivered information. One partner said the thing that stuck with her the most was that the therapist was able to reframe and articulate her partner's concerns in a way that he couldn't — which then helped her to understand him better. Therapy can help couples become aware of how reactions to difficult situations can be unhelpful. Attempting to respond in a way that is more productive for the relationship can feel very different. Psycho-education can be of tremendous value when co-morbidity plays a role in relationships. Trauma informed therapy can help partners empathize, respond to each others needs, and heal together. It is advantageous to the relationship when partners learn about mental health together.

To learn more about how therapy can help you, please text or call Dr. Mahaney directly 813-240-3237 or book an initial consultation: www.SouthTampaCounselor.com/BookAppointment

Four Components of NVC

Four Components of NVC

The four components of Nonviolent Communication are the tools that help us communicate more effectively. Once you are familiar with these tools and how to use them, you will be in a position to shift your communication dramatically.

We will start by looking at each one of the components separately.

Observation

The first component of Nonviolent Communication is observation. Observations are simply the facts of a situation. What you heard someone say or what you saw someone do, without adding any evaluations or judgments. For instance, if someone said, "I like the red dress better," the observation is, "You said that you liked the red dress better" because the speaker is simply repeating back what the other person said. An observation that is mixed with evaluations or judgments might be "You said that you don't like me in the blue dress" because the speaker is interpreting what the other person meant by the statement. Do you notice the difference?

This distinction is important because most of us would argue with someone who repeated the second sentence. The argument would be about our interpretation of what the other person meant by their statement, or the other person defending their statement, rather than what is really important- gaining clarity about their intention or being heard about our hurt feelings that were stimulated by the statement.

Another form of observation is when we state the facts of what we saw or experienced, such as "You came home at 5:30," where the speaker simply states the actual event. An evaluation would be "You were late again. You're always late." How do you think you would respond to this? Most of us would defend ourselves by arguing about our lateness this time or we might reflect on all the times we were on time starting with February 2, 1972. Can you relate?

The observation, then, helps us stay focused on what was actually said or done and it helps us avoid needless arguments that serve to cover up the primary issue.

Feeling

The second component of Nonviolent Communication is feelings. We state how we feel about the situation directly after we have clarified the observation. This may seem like an unimportant step because many people think that their feelings should be obvious to the other person.

Unfortunately, what we are feeling isn't always obvious. Fear and excitement have the exact same physiological effects on our bodies and hurt and anger often look the same: heavier breathing, red face, elevated voice and tone, and increased pace in speech. Why take the chance that the other person will understand how we feel about the situation when we can tell them? Expressing how something affects us improves our opportunities for connection, understanding and ultimately resolution.

The following is a partial list of feelings:

happy, sad, joyful, scared, angry, ticked off, ecstatic, absorbed, involved, comfortable, cozy, calm, contented, peaceful, affectionate, loving, energetic, enthusiastic. Here's a more complete list of feelings.

Sometimes we confuse our feelings with our judgments about other people. This comes out when we say things like, "I feel like you're manipulating me." Or, "I feel that you don't care." Both these statements are emotionally charged and sound like feelings, yet no emotion is actually expressed. Instead, the speaker is saying what he thinks the other person is doing- manipulating or that she doesn't care.

Because these statements are emotionally charged, they will likely ignite the conversation. Often the argument will not move beyond this point because one person is arguing that the other is manipulative and the other person is arguing that she isn't manipulative. The argument becomes a verbal tug of war that rarely leads to peaceful resolution. In the end one of you is dragged through the mud leaving both people feeling like losers. One way to avoid these exceedingly frustrating moments is to clearly state your feelings, rather than your judgments about the other person, such as "I feel angry", or, "I feel hurt."

Here are a few additional examples of statements that sound like feelings, but are really thoughts about the other person:

I feel like you are ignoring me.

I feel you are spending too much time at work. I feel disrespected.

I feel judged.

Notice that many of these statements start out either, "I feel like?", or "I feel you." Whenever you catch yourself starting a sentence in this way, be aware that you are probably about to state a thought instead of a feeling!

Being clear about our feelings can help us and the other people in our life gain clarity.

Need

The third component of Nonviolent Communication is needs. Needs are anything that a person needs to sustain life no matter their race, religious preference, financial status, location or culture. Needs then are the basic things all people need to support life. The following are a few examples of needs:

love, food, shelter, caring, collaboration, support, appreciation, to be heard, comfort

Here's a more complete list of needs.

Another important distinction about needs is that everything someone does or says is an attempt to meet their needs. Therefore, it is an attempt to sustain life in some way.

For example, say that your teenage son mowed the lawn as you asked but didn't complete the project as well as you would have liked. Can you imagine what need or needs motivated his behavior? Could he have been trying to meet his need for autonomy, fun, relief, or ease?

Can you imagine the underlying needs that drive a parent to respond to his son by saying, "How is it that you can never finish a job?!?" Is it possible he has a need for completion, trust (that his son will complete a project without more intervention), order or maybe beauty (wanting the yard to look a certain way).

The son and parent both choose specific methods to meet their needs. Neither of them are bad people, they are simply employing the methods they have learned to meet their needs.

The tragic thing is that many times we try to get our needs met by using methods that will guarantee our failure! The parent and son both illustrate how this can happen. For instance, is it likely that the son's needs for ease, autonomy, fun, or relief will be met if he doesn't finish the lawn as agreed upon and then has to deal with his parent's disappointment later on? He may meet some of these needs in the moment but none of them long-term. His behavior, then, actually prevents him from meeting his underlying needs.

Similarly, the parent isn't likely to meet his needs for order, beauty, trust or completion if he says, "How is it that you can never finish a job?!?"

When we understand that our behaviors are an attempt to meet our needs, we can become more skilled at choosing behaviors that will help us succeed at this. The result is more ease, fun, depth, and joy in our relationships and in our lives.

Request

The fourth component of Nonviolent Communication is making a request. Where the need is general (everyone has the same needs), the request is specific. It is the strategy we would like to use to help us meet our unmet needs.

For instance, say that you said to someone:

1st Component - Observation: "When I see you kick the dog

2nd Component - Feelings: I feel worried and scared

3rd Component - Needs: because I value respect for all beings."

The 4th component clarifies what you would like the other person to do to meet your need for respect for all beings. Do you have an idea of what you might like to ask? How about this:

4th Component - Request: "Would you be willing to sit with the dog for a minute to make sure she's okay?"

Once we have clarified our unmet need, there are literally countless ways to meet that need. The request, then, becomes the way that seems to fit best with us. In this case some additional requests could have been: Would you please tell me why you kicked the dog? Would you go outside and play catch with the dog for a half-hour? Would you please take a few minutes to write down five other ways that you could release your tension that would also meet my need for respecting all beings?

The request is the specific action you'd like done to help you meet your need. There are two kinds of request a person could make. They are:

1. Action Request- where you ask someone to do a specific task, such as pet the dog, go to the store and buy milk, call the babysitter, or write a 10-page report.

2. Connection Request- where you ask someone to do something that will help you connect with them or that will help them connect to you. This usually comes up when one person wants to be heard or understood, or when someone wants to know how another person feels about what he said.

Effective requests have a few basic parts to them:

They are specific - If you want your teenage son to mow the lawn before 7:00 p.m., be specific. Don't ask him to mow the lawn and assume (or hope) that he'll mow it by 7:00 p.m.

They use positive language - Ask for what you want, not what you don't want. This adds clarity and positive energy to your request.

They use present language - Ask for something in the present that the other person could do or say right now. If the agreement you want will happen in the future, ask the other person if they are willing to make an agreement on that item now. In the next section you will learn how to use the four components of NVC to enhance and enrich your communication and relationship with other people.

Why I Only Accept 50% of Insurance Clientele & 50% Self-Pay In My Private Practice (50/50/❤️ MODEL)

WHY I ONLY ACCEPT A FEW NEW INITIAL INTAKE INSURANCE APPOINTMENTS

USING MY MORAL COMPASS AND COMPASSION FOR HUMANITY, I’M CHOOSING TO CREATE A 50/50/❤️ MODEL:

50/50/ ❤️= 50% SELF PAY 50% INSURANCE ❤️SLIDING SCALE FEE

Sliding Scale Fees help advocate for affordable mental health care and create an opportunity for highly qualified INTERNS to co-counsel clients in need. I interview interns extensively, decide selectively, and supervise very closely and yet very trustingly. I will be an active participant in each session.

I initially started accepting insurance 15 years ago when I felt a strong need to support my community, who needed financial support, to get consistent help. Despite hearing horror stories from colleagues about insurance paperwork and clawbacks, I joined a few insurance panels. I loved every minute of being a therapist! I hated everything about the administrative process when it came to dealing with insurance companies. Don’t get me wrong, I love my insurance peeps! We have connected over the years and I will continue to support my clients who choose to use insurance as they should!

I too, have health insurance. I get it, we have health insurance for a reason, pay high monthly premiums, and should be able to use insurance when we need it!

Regardless, I will show-up powerfully for ALL of my clients.

I feel good about my choice to create a 50/50/ ❤️BALANCE in my Private Practice!

As a healthcare member and a private practice provider, I’ve had the unique experience of seeing both perspectives of the healthcare system in the US.

As my specialty has continuously evolved, I have realized that mainly accepting insurance no longer make sense for the advanced work that I do. Ultimately, my decision came down to acting with integrity and practicing what I preach to my clients.

Here are some key points to help you understand my decision to create this model for my Practice:

LACK OF PRIVACY & CONFIDENTIALITY

When insurance companies pay for your treatment, it also means that their employees (clinicians or not) will audit my treatment plans and read what we talked about in my session notes. These employees are paid to save the insurance company money by searching for fraud and determining whether you're overusing your insurance coverage. In turn, the insurance company may decline authorization of additional sessions because you're not progressing fast enough; our work in psychotherapy does not qualify as "a medical necessity": or because my treatment approach isn't recognized by the insurance company as an "evidence-based treatment" (that's code for short-term, as in 6-8 sessions).

Hell, some insurance providers don't reimburse for 60-minute sessions anymore!

This doesn’t seem right.

I recently got audited by an insurance company. This audit took me countless hours, staying up late at night, time away from my family, unnecessary stress and scrutiny to provide tedious paperwork and specific details to prove that my clients needed the services provided. This is just not okay in my book. I totally understand documentation for integrity but demanding extra proof during a pandemic when I am already submitting the necessary information and feel overwhelmed and overworked helped me create the awareness and opportunity for me to reflect on MY CHOICE to accept insurance.

At first, I reactively felt angry resulting in thoughts and hopes that the insurance company would fire me! However, when I pause and feel to respond intentionally, I honestly and truly feel honored to hold space and care for ALL of my clients and I would feel disappointed if I were unable to offer insurance as an option.

In conclusion, I believe that everyone has a right to confidentiality of your medical records. You also have the liberty to progress through treatment at a pace that's best for YOU - one that allows you sufficient time to process everything that you're experiencing. Things unfold differently for each person, especially when our world seems chaotic (Global Pandemic)! If the insurance company fires me, they rip the therapeutic relationship apart that my clients and I have securely built over the years. Emotional injuries and attachment issues can be easily re-traumatized within seconds.

DIAGNOSIS OF ILLNESS

Insurance companies operate on a medical model, which means they require a diagnosis to establish that you have "a medical necessity" to seek services in order to pay providers. To justify that you have a "medical necessity" I have to assign you a diagnosis to be reimbursed for our work together when there may not be one that really fits what you're going through. The vast majority of insurance companies don't consider relationship issues like couples or family therapy, developmental/attachment trauma, existential issues, life-transitions, personal development, or self-improvement as "medical necessities" because there are no diagnoses for these in the DSM-V.

And even if there are appropriate diagnoses, there are some diagnoses that insurance companies don't consider debilitating enough to pay for. So, if I know what diagnoses are and are not paid for, l'd have to label you with a more severe diagnosis they will pay for, but one that may not really reflect your situation. I am not ok with this either!

You're probably wondering, "What's the harm in that? A little truth-bending never hurt anyone." Well, that's just it - it can. It can come back to bite my clients in the ass... your medical record. While that might not be such a big deal right now, it may become one later on if you want to: get life insurance, work in the financial sector managing other's assets, regularly handle firearms, or seek employment in any sector in which your decision-making might be called into question due to your emotional state. Call me crazy, but I feel that people should get the help they need without fear, stigma, or reprisal for making their mental health and personal growth a priority.

FRAUD

If I engaged in the aforementioned truth- bending, I'd essentially be committing insurance fraud. There are providers out there that are willing to walk this fine line and take this risk. In my opinion, the penalties and professional consequences of insurance fraud are huge, and frankly, not worth it. I have a strong need for peace of mind that comes with integrity.

LOW RATES

In order to be "in- network" with an insurance company, I have to agree to accept a lower fee in exchange for the insurance company listing my practice in their directory of providers and sending me referrals. In the spirit of transparency, most of my clients find me through friends, family and through searching online. And each year, insurance companies continue to cut the rates they pay therapists for their work.

Here's an example with real numbers and real circumstances of how this happens: My fee is $170 per session. But I joined XYZ Insurance Co.'s network because I had a client in need of services. I chose to help and chose to agree to the insurance reimbursement rate of $60 per session. My client would also be responsible for a co-pay of $0-$40 per session depending on his plan, bringing the total to $60-$100 per session. That means I'm waiving at LEAST $70-$110 for each session. As a healthcare professional, I want to help! I have made these types of choices for the 20 years that I have been in private practice. I will keep choosing to advocate for my clients who have insurance because I also have insurance for myself and my family.

Would you be willing to forgo ~65% of your salary?:-/

I will also continue to set boundaries with ALL of my clients and companies that I choose to work with. If you no-show as a self pay or insurance client, I will treat you the same and ban you from being able to book an appointment until we have a meeting. I get it. I want to understand one another and use empathy. Life happens. I want to turn toward these curveballs

Additionally, insurance companies have been increasing their members' premiums, deductibles, and co-pays in the last few years claiming rising costs of care. You'd think that that would translate to higher reimbursement rates to care providers, but it doesn't...at least not in the mental health fields. In fact, insurance reimbursement rates have actually decreased over the same period of time. You're probably wondering, "How do the therapists and psychologists that take insurance afford to?

For such insurance-based practices, taking on more clients than is clinically prudent is the only way to make up the difference and keep their doors open. This then leads to another problem...

BURNOUT & EXHAUSTION

Here's the reality, many providers that accept insurance overbook their schedules in order to turn a modest profit after rent, utilities, malpractice, and other expenses.

Additionally, these providers often only offer a 30-50-minute session to maximize the number of clients in a day (10 vs 8) and the chances of insurance reimbursement (remember, most insurance companies don't pay for 60-minute sessions anymore). Also, if you use the 60 min codes, you are flagged for audits which take hours and hours to complete.

DELAYED (OR NON) PAYMENTS

Despite the insurance companies agreeing to a set reimbursement rate, these companies require therapists to jump through a bunch of hoops to get paid. It is common practice for most insurance companies to reject submitted paperwork to delay payments. When they're not seeing clients, these therapists are drowning in insurance paperwork and resubmitting billing claims in order to get paid, or spending hours on the phone contesting unpaid claims.

On average, it takes an additional 1.5 hours of UNPAID work outside of the session to get paid for sessions. And remember, the therapist is already making less by agreeing to take insurance. (In my previous example, it would cost $255 of my time ($170x1.5) to get paid my $60 reimbursement rate from XYZ Insurance Co.)

The alternative is to pay a medical billing company 8-10% of the claims' costs to do the aforementioned, but that increases expenses and cuts into that modest profit I mentioned before. But let's say that I or my medical billing admin ARE able to see the claim through the labyrinthine insurance payment process, the payment will finally arrive in my bank account anywhere between 3-6 months after the session took place IF everything goes smoothly.

RETROACTIVE CLAIM DENIALS (AKA CLAW BACKS)

Now imagine that, after all that trouble, that insurance company asked you to give the money back, even years later. Yep, this really happens and, unfortunately, it's a common practice among insurance companies. They'll audit your claims and paperwork for several years back. If they find any mistakes or inconsistencies in the therapist's paperwork they missed when they originally approved the therapist's claim, the insurance company will request that the therapist return the fees she was paid.

Pretend that your employer sent you a bill requesting that you repay the income you'd earned 3 years ago. Would that seem fair to you? I didn't think so. Claw backs can amount to thousands of dollars that can bankrupt a small business like a private practice. Many insurance- based clinicians live in fear of such retroactive audits.

Before reflecting and reassessing the insurance-based private practice I founded, I recently heard from a friend and colleague that a major insurance company requested thousands of dollars be returned by the end of the month. Talk about stressful!

All together that's a recipe for a tired, overworked, and stressed out therapist.

This may have been the problem if you've ever been to therapy that you felt didn't "work" with a provider from your insurance company. I should know. I started to experience the symptoms of burnout after two years of insurance-based practice. And that's when I realized, "Crap! I'm doing the things I tell my clients not to do!" Talk about incongruence!

So I changed my business model for the sake of the well-being of myself and my team to preserve the quality of care we want to provide every client. It breaks my heart to REDUCE ACCESS to care for people in need, but I realized early on that we can't help anyone if we're stressed/burned out or have to close our doors. I am choosing the 50/50/❤️ MODEL to advocate for mental health and well-being for all!

This makes sense to me!

WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS OF PRIVATE SELF-PAY AND/OR A 50/50/❤️MODEL FOR MENTAL HEALTH CARE?

No Labeling - You don't have to carry an unnecessary diagnosis on your medical record. Although, if you’d like to create awareness and assess for diagnostic criteria, I would invite this curiosity and self exploration.

Confidentiality & Privacy - You and your psychotherapist are the only people that will know you're in therapy. You get to choose who you disclose this information to. Session notes are private records so there won't be intimate details to “prove medical necessity/ diagnosis info”.

I am highly confidential and keep minimal notes. I naturally remember our sessions together because I truly care and our therapeutic relationship is genuinely important to me.

Self-Determination - You get to work with a psychotherapist that is free to use the best therapeutic approach to help YOU meet YOUR goals. You and your psychotherapist are the only people involved in the decision about the length of your care. You won't have to seek additional authorization to continue your work or return to psychotherapy, if you have new goals you'd like to explore.

Quality Care & Attention - You'll get a psychotherapist that's alert and engaged during your session, remembering the details of previous conversations. You'll have the help of a professional that's invested in your process of growth because they've taken the time to do the same for themselves. She will be able to use the healing methods that are most appropriate for you.

You might be thinking that this is just one therapist's rant against insurance companies. Don't take my word for it. Feel free to do your own research!

If you tried psychotherapy and were disappointed with the results or the treatment didn't seem to "fit" after working with a provider from your insurance company, I hope you have a better understanding of what might have been happening behind the scenes. We urge you to reconsider getting some support now that you do. There are great providers in the healing professions on both sides of the insurance divide that can help you.

I HOPE YOU HAVE A BETTER UNDERSTANDING ABOUT WHY I HAVE DECIDED TO CHOOSE THE 50/50/❤️ MODEL!

50/50/ ❤️= 50% SELF PAY 50% INSURANCE ❤️SLIDING SCALE FEE

Call or TEXT with any questions:

📱#813-240-3237 or ***Book Now: —> ❤️

Nonviolent Communication Skills in Intimate Relationships

“NVC requires us to be continually conscious of the beauty within ourselves and other people. ”

– Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD.

The connection between Nonviolent Communication and Intimate Relationships is strong and vital — and perhaps not obvious to those unfamiliar with NVC.

For those of us with NVC skills who are also in intimate relationships, we can’t imagine being in a relationship without NVC!

Intimate relationships are some of the most meaningful connections with the people who are most important to us.

This is why when disconnection happens it can be more painful than in other types of relationships.

In intimate relationships the stakes are higher, in part because our emotional investment is greater.

For all these reasons and more, learning NVC skills to prevent and resolve misunderstandings and conflicts in intimate relationships can help us deepen and enjoy those relationships more fully!

The Importance of Communication in Intimate Relationships

An intimate relationship without communication is like a bird without wings, or a tree without leaves. Communication is one of the primary mediums for connection, and without connection how intimate can a relationship be?

The importance of communication in intimate relationships — now, today —can be summed up by the proverb: “dig your well before you’re thirsty.”

What does this mean?

In this metaphor, thirst is the need for connection, for mutual understanding, for the trust and good will that take us to mutually satisfying ways of living. The well would be access to NVC tools and the practice to become skillful with them.

Your NVC skills can take you to mutual understanding and deeper connection — consistently!

However — there is a big difference between having a tool and being skillful with it.

Can you understand why it might serve NOT to wait until you’re in a full-blown conflict to decide that you want to develop your communication skills?

Communication helps us each know where we’re at, what we’re each feeling, what’s important to us, and what we would like.

There’s another apt proverb here: “An ounce of prevention equals a pound of cure.”

The importance of communication in intimate relationships goes way beyond resolving conflicts.

As you develop your skills you begin to prevent misunderstandings and conflicts. And this allows you to conserve mental and emotional energy, and prevent angst and suffering.

Beyond misunderstandings and conflicts, the importance of communication in intimate relationship is that it contributes to an ongoing deepening of your most important connections.

Common Communication Problems in Relationships

There are many common communication problems in relationships.

Fortunately, NVC has principles, insights, and tools that address every one of them!

One of the most common communication problems in relationships is when we listen to respond rather than to understand.

When you are present, and listening to understand, you will still have a chance to respond later! But first, help the other person experience being understood. This is not the same as agreement; simply understanding.

When the other person feels understood they are much more open to hearing you out! And the dynamic of hearing each other deeply as each person reveals vulnerably, allows the conversation to deepen to a place of authentic connection in which conflicts often resolve themselves.

Sometimes you might be in a conversation that is going just fine, and a little while into it you and the other person find yourselves in a very uncomfortable place — a disagreement, a disconnection, or even a full-blown conflict — and you’re wondering, how did we get here?

This is actually quite a common experience, and is related to the previous communication problem. Sometimes there is even a slight miscommunication — for example one person says red and the other hears blue — and nobody notices.

These situations easily lead to misunderstandings which can lead to conflicts.

A true-life example: a woman said to her male partner, “I don’t want to be so wifey.”

What she meant: “I don’t want to be the only one doing the housework.”

What he heard: “I don’t want to be married to you anymore.”

This couple ended up divorcing — true story — and is an example of a small miscommunication that can spiral out of control quickly if we don’t catch it. So slowing down, listening to understand, and asking clarifying questions can save us all a lot of heartbreak! (In the example of the couple above, their large group of friends also went through a form of heartbreak.)

Another common communication problem in relationships is rushing to a solution in a way that skips the connection. Often the person who does this has positive intentions of wanting to resolve an issue or fix a problem.

However, when we skip the connection the other person rarely feels included in the solution. Furthermore, we have little guarantee that the solution will meet their needs because we haven’t taken the time to find out what they are! NVC encourages us to connect first — get clear on each person’s observations, feelings, needs, and requests — and then, once the needs are clear and there is mutual understanding, together arrive at a strategy that meets all or most of the needs.

Connection before solution!

Nonviolent Communication is also known as life-connected, life-serving communication. As such, it has its opposite: life-disconnected, life-alienating communication, which is defined as the type of thinking and language which takes us away from the quality of connection for which we are seeking.

Most of the common communication problems in relationships can be identified in this life-disconnected thinking and language. These include:

Diagnosing others: This includes judgments, name-calling, and criticism. Diagnoses also include assuming we know what another person is thinking, feeling, or needing. (“You’re obviously very angry about that!”) And they include any static language that would explain why someone is acting the way they are (the problem with you is you are [an egomaniac; an Aries; a troubled soul; a rebel, etc.]).

Denying responsibility: This includes any language that implies that we lack choice. I had to. I had no choice. You made me. I can’t. This does not mean that we always like the options of which we’re aware. Sometimes we dislike every option, and yet, within that we still have choice. And sometimes we’re not aware of other possibilities because we are in a “crisis of imagination.” Rather than owning our choices we act as if we are powerless. I have no choice, it’s (the law, company policy, superiors’ orders). Accusatory blame would fit in this category.

Placing demands on others: In NVC we take responsibility for what we are wanting by expressing clear requests. In a request, the other person’s needs matter too, and so no is an option. In a demand, ‘no’ is not an option. In a demand, by definition, the other person’s needs do not matter equally to the person issuing the demand. The reason this hurts relationships is that, if I am on the receiving end of demands it communicates that my needs don’t matter. This, in turn, leads to resentment and disconnection. Over time, it is quite likely that the needs of the person placing the demands cease to matter to the person on the receiving end.

Life-alienated motivations: The key insight here can be summarized by a phrase often emphasized by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, creator of NVC: The energy with which we do anything for each other is just as important as the action itself. Life-alienated motivations include fear, guilt, shame, duty/obligation, to obtain an extrinsic reward, to avoid punishment, or acting out of “shoulds” or have-tos.” When we do something for each other out of these motivations, it creates disconnection, resentment, and serves to break down trust. We want to do things for each other when we are connected to how it serves life, how it also contributes to our needs.

Using Compassionate Communication in Relationships

The key to using Compassionate Communication in relationships consists of remembering three things: Purpose, Intention, and Attention.

It’s extremely helpful to remember that the purpose of Compassionate Communication (another name for NVC) is to create a high quality of connection out of which people naturally and spontaneously enjoy contributing to one another’s well-being. This is how we find win-win or mutually satisfying outcomes: out of the connection.

The purpose is not to get others to do what you want, or to get your way, or to get a particular thing to happen!

So when you enter a conversation or are in an interaction, remember that the purpose is first to connect.

And so it helps if this is our intention.

When connecting with another, check your intention. What do I want here? Is my intention to be right? Am I willing to let go of being right and my preferred outcome in order to connect first? Do I trust that once we connect we can together find a mutually agreeable outcome?

And one of the outcomes of developing in NVC is skillful deployment of your attention.

Using Compassionate Communication in relationships means being able to put our attention on feelings and needs, rather than on who’s right and who’s wrong. It means putting our attention on our own, and the other person’s, humanity in order to connect and find a way of being with each other that is mutually fulfilling.

This is how using Compassionate Communication in relationships teaches us to use purpose, intention, and attention to create deeper and more satisfying relationships.

Using NVC to Improve Communication in a Relationship

Using compassionate communication in relationships is simple, though it is not necessarily easy.

The reason is that it helps us become aware of and re-configure old, unconscious patterns that get in the way of the quality of connection we’re looking for. Sometimes discovering these old patterns is painful, and shifting them can take time.

The good news is that as you get better at it, it becomes more fluid and takes less time.

How do we do it?

First, a clarification. We can think about communication in intimate relationships as consisting of a spectrum:

In this simple diagram, we can see that informal NVC could be indistinguishable from a normal conversation. That’s because connection is happening — which after all is the purpose of NVC.

At the other end of the spectrum we see “formal” NVC, which has certain key differentiations and follows a particular structure and syntax. Formal NVC keeps our communication extra clear, and helps us keep the key differentiations clear in our mind.

The dance of connection refers to the steps we take to move toward connection. A simple mnemonic device is ABABAB, referring to person “A” and person “B.”

Here’s how “the dance of connection” works:

1) Person A speaks with honesty from the heart.

2) Person B reflects back their understanding of what Person A said.

3) Person A confirms they were heard accurately.

4) Person B speaks with honesty from the heart.

5) Person A reflects back their understanding of what Person B said.

6) Person B confirms they were heard accurately.

7) Return to the top, to #1. This process is continued until the two people feel connected and they trust that they are understood by the other. Then they can proceed to brainstorm or propose strategies and/or solutions.

Though somewhat of an oversimplification, this illustrates the process we undergo to allow a conversation to wind deeper and deeper, until there is a high quality of connection out of which people co-create mutually satisfying outcomes.

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg on Nonviolent Communication Skills in Relationships

There is so much we can learn from Dr. Marshall Rosenberg on Nonviolent Communication Skills in relationships.

He knew that intimate relationships are some of the most important relationships — and sometimes some of the most challenging ones.

Dr. Rosenberg explained that if you meet your needs at the expense of another, your needs will also not be met. Anytime you create a win-lose, you also lose — because we are all interconnected, interrelated, and interdependent.

When we coerce others or place demands on them, the quality of the connection suffers.

When we can let go of being right and put our attention on making life more wonderful, then we can create a high quality of connection out of which it’s easy to explore outcomes, solutions, and ways of living that are mutually satisfying.

Content by PuddleDancer Press. Use of content okay with attribution. Please visitwww.nonviolentcommunication.comto learn more about Nonviolent Communication.