Navigating the "Roommate Phase" in Relationships: Tips from a Relationship Counselor

As a relationship counselor, I often find myself discussing the challenges couples face as they navigate the different phases of their relationship. One of the most common phases couples experience is what many refer to as the "roommate phase." This phase can feel distant, routine, and lacking in the emotional and physical connection that once felt effortless.

My partner and I have faced our fair share of roommate phases, and through personal experience and professional knowledge, we've developed strategies to reignite our connection. Drawing from the wisdom of renowned relationship experts like John Gottman and the Emotionally Focused Therapy approach, here are some tips that have worked wonders for us:

1. Intentional Quality Time Set aside a specific time each night to put away distractions, especially phones, and focus solely on each other. This intentional quality time fosters open communication and strengthens emotional connection.

2. Prioritize Date Nights Spending time away from the daily grind and kids is crucial. Date nights allow you to reconnect, have fun together, and remember why you fell in love in the first place.

3. Reignite Physical Intimacy Don't underestimate the power of physical affection. Make an effort to kiss and make out like you used to when your relationship was new and exciting.

4. Sync Your Bedtime Going to bed at the same time can create a sense of closeness and intimacy. It's a simple yet effective way to maintain connection and ensure quality time together.

5. Share Household Chores Teamwork makes the dream work! Sharing household chores fosters collaboration and mutual appreciation, strengthening your bond as a couple.

6. Have Meaningful Conversations Sit down and ask the tough questions:

• "Why are we drifting into the roommate phase?"

• "How can we enhance our connection?"

• "What can we do differently to come back together?"

• "Here's what I need from you. What do you need from me?"

7. Embrace the Little Things Small gestures can make a big difference. Whether it's a good morning kiss or a surprise love note, these little acts of kindness and affection go a long way in maintaining connection.

8. Acknowledge the Phase Recognize that the roommate phase is just that – a phase. It's a natural part of many long-term relationships and an opportunity for growth and reconnection.

Gottman's Insights: John Gottman emphasizes the importance of friendship and fondness in relationships. Cultivate a culture of appreciation and admiration for each other. Remember the qualities that you love and appreciate in your partner and express them regularly.

Emotionally Focused Therapy Tips: Emotionally Focused Therapy focuses on creating a secure emotional bond between partners. Validate each other's feelings and emotions, and be open to vulnerability. Create a safe space where both partners feel heard, understood, and valued.

In conclusion, navigating the roommate phase requires effort, communication, and a commitment to your relationship. By incorporating these tips into your daily life and embracing the guidance of relationship experts like Gottman and Emotionally Focused Therapy, you can reignite the spark and strengthen your connection with your partner. Remember, every phase is an opportunity to grow and deepen your love for each other.

By Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, NCC, Ph.D

SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY, WELLNESS, MARRIAGE & FAMILY THERAPY

Book Appointment

Call or Text (813)240-3237

Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Marriage & Family Therapist

❤️ Marriage & Family Therapist 💍 Gottman Relationship Counselor 🧠 Licensed Mental Health Counselor 👂🏽 Non-Violent Communication Facilitator 🌎 National Certified Counselor 👩🏼‍⚕️ Private Practitioner 📈 Entrepreneur, Author & Mentor 🎓Qualified Supervisor for State Licensure ⚖️ FL Supreme Court Family Law Mediator 🥅 Solution Focused ✌🏻Conflict Resolver ❤️ Self Compassion & Self Care Advocate 🧘🏼‍♀️ Mindfulness Meditating Yogi 🤔 Daily Intentions & Reflections 🗣 Neuro Linguistic Programming ✏️ Agile Learning Center Founder 📚 Self Directed Education Alliance 🧑‍🌾 Grower: Fruit Trees & Herbs 🍽 Psychology of Eating & Nutrition 👩‍🏫 Life Long Learner... 📍 Tampa, FL & Jurisdiction to practice in FL, CT, NC, SC, MD, VA

The Gottman Approach: Understanding the Role of Proprioception and Homunculus in Relationship Dynamics

Introduction: In the realm of relationship counseling and therapy, the Gottman Approach stands out as a beacon of empirical research and practical strategies for fostering healthy, lasting connections. While many are familiar with the Gottman Method's emphasis on communication skills and emotional attunement, there's another crucial aspect often overlooked: proprioception and homunculus. In this blog post, we'll delve into why these concepts are essential in understanding and improving relationship dynamics according to the Gottman Approach.

Understanding Proprioception: Proprioception refers to the body's ability to sense its position, movement, and actions in space. It's what allows us to navigate the world without constantly looking at our limbs or surroundings. In the context of relationships, proprioception plays a fundamental role in how individuals perceive and respond to each other's physical presence and movements.

The Importance of Proprioception in Relationships: In intimate relationships, proprioception influences everything from nonverbal communication to physical touch and intimacy. Couples who are attuned to each other's proprioceptive cues can establish a deeper sense of connection and understanding without relying solely on verbal communication.

For example, a simple gesture like reaching out to hold hands or offering a comforting hug can convey reassurance, support, and love without the need for words. Likewise, being mindful of how our own body language and movements impact our partner's proprioceptive awareness can foster empathy and mutual respect in the relationship.

Exploring the Homunculus: The concept of the homunculus, derived from neuroscience, refers to a "map" of the body represented in the brain. It illustrates how different parts of the body are neurologically connected to specific areas of the brain, with certain regions being more sensitive or responsive than others.

In the context of relationships, the homunculus reminds us that physical touch and sensory experiences are deeply intertwined with emotional and psychological well-being. When partners engage in activities that stimulate their partner's homunculus – such as gentle caresses, massages, or shared physical activities – they activate neural pathways associated with pleasure, bonding, and attachment.

Practical Applications in the Gottman Approach: So, how does the Gottman Approach incorporate proprioception and homunculus awareness into couples therapy and relationship interventions? Here are a few key strategies:

1. Mindful Touch: Encouraging couples to engage in mindful touch exercises can enhance proprioceptive awareness and promote emotional connection. Activities such as hand-holding, back rubs, or synchronized movements can foster intimacy and closeness.

2. Sensory Exploration: Encouraging couples to explore each other's sensory preferences and sensitivities can deepen their understanding of each other's needs and desires. This may involve experimenting with different textures, temperatures, or sensations to enhance pleasure and connection.

3. Nonverbal Communication: Helping couples become more attuned to each other's nonverbal cues – such as body language, facial expressions, and physical gestures – can improve communication and conflict resolution skills. By paying attention to proprioceptive signals, partners can better regulate their own emotions and respond empathically to their partner's needs.

Conclusion: Incorporating proprioception and homunculus awareness into couples therapy can enrich the Gottman Approach and enhance its effectiveness in promoting healthy, fulfilling relationships. By understanding the profound impact of physical touch, sensory experiences, and nonverbal communication on relationship dynamics, couples can cultivate deeper intimacy, trust, and connection in their partnership.

By Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, NCC, Ph.D

SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY, WELLNESS, MARRIAGE & FAMILY THERAPY

Book Appointment

Call or Text (813)240-3237

Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Marriage & Family Therapist

❤️ Marriage & Family Therapist 💍 Gottman Relationship Counselor 🧠 Licensed Mental Health Counselor 👂🏽 Non-Violent Communication Facilitator 🌎 National Certified Counselor 👩🏼‍⚕️ Private Practitioner 📈 Entrepreneur, Author & Mentor 🎓Qualified Supervisor for State Licensure ⚖️ FL Supreme Court Family Law Mediator 🥅 Solution Focused ✌🏻Conflict Resolver ❤️ Self Compassion & Self Care Advocate 🧘🏼‍♀️ Mindfulness Meditating Yogi 🤔 Daily Intentions & Reflections 🗣 Neuro Linguistic Programming ✏️ Agile Learning Center Founder 📚 Self Directed Education Alliance 🧑‍🌾 Grower: Fruit Trees & Herbs 🍽 Psychology of Eating & Nutrition 👩‍🏫 Life Long Learner... 📍 Tampa, FL & Jurisdiction to practice in FL, CT, NC, SC, MD, VA

Nurturing Love Through Conflict: The Gottman Approach to Fighting Right

Introduction: Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship, but how couples navigate and resolve their differences can determine the strength and longevity of their bond. Rather than avoiding conflict altogether, successful couples understand that healthy conflict resolution is key to deepening their connection. In this blog post, we'll explore the Gottman approach to fighting right and how couples can transform conflict into an opportunity for growth and intimacy.

Understanding the Gottman Approach: The Gottman Method, developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, is grounded in decades of research on what makes marriages succeed or fail. One of the core principles of this approach is the idea that it's not the absence of conflict that defines a happy relationship, but rather how couples manage and resolve their disagreements.

Key Elements of the Gottman Approach:

1. Softened Start-Up: Successful couples begin discussions gently, avoiding criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—the four horsemen of the apocalypse in relationships, as identified by the Gottmans. Instead, they express their concerns using "I" statements and focus on their feelings rather than blaming their partner.

2. Acceptance of Influence: Partners in healthy relationships are open to considering each other's perspectives and are willing to compromise. They recognize that both individuals bring valuable insights to the table and are committed to finding mutually satisfactory solutions.

3. Repair Attempts: When tensions rise during a disagreement, successful couples make repair attempts to de-escalate the situation and reconnect emotionally. This can be as simple as offering a hug, using humor to diffuse tension, or expressing empathy towards their partner's feelings.

4. De-escalation Techniques: Rather than allowing conflicts to spiral out of control, couples trained in the Gottman approach use specific de-escalation techniques to calm themselves and their partner. This may include taking a break to cool off, practicing deep breathing, or using positive self-talk to manage emotions.

Turning Conflict into Connection: Now that we've explored the key principles of the Gottman approach, let's discuss how successful couples turn conflict into an opportunity for deeper connection:

1. Active Listening: Instead of focusing solely on getting their point across, successful couples prioritize active listening. They strive to understand their partner's perspective without interrupting or dismissing their feelings.

2. Emotional Validation: Validating your partner's emotions—even if you don't agree with their viewpoint—is essential for building trust and intimacy. Successful couples express empathy and understanding towards each other's feelings, fostering a sense of validation and support.

3. Seeking Common Ground: Rather than viewing conflict as a win-lose scenario, successful couples approach disagreements as an opportunity to find common ground. They actively look for areas of agreement and work together to find creative solutions that meet both partners' needs.

4. Maintaining Respect: Even in the heat of an argument, successful couples prioritize respect and kindness towards each other. They avoid name-calling, insults, and other disrespectful behaviors, recognizing that words spoken in anger can have lasting consequences.

5. Learning and Growing Together: Conflict can be a catalyst for personal and relational growth. Successful couples approach disagreements as learning opportunities, using them to gain insight into themselves and their partner. They view challenges as a chance to strengthen their bond and deepen their understanding of each other.

Conclusion: Incorporating the principles of the Gottman approach into your relationship can transform the way you navigate conflict with your partner. By fostering open communication, mutual respect, and emotional connection, you can turn disagreements into opportunities for growth and intimacy. Remember, it's not about avoiding conflict, but rather about fighting right and nurturing your love through the ups and downs of life together.

Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, NCC, Ph.D

SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY, WELLNESS, MARRIAGE & FAMILY THERAPY

Book Appointment

Call or Text (813)240-3237

Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Marriage & Family Therapist

❤️ Marriage & Family Therapist 💍 Gottman Relationship Counselor 🧠 Licensed Mental Health Counselor 👂🏽 Non-Violent Communication Facilitator 🌎 National Certified Counselor 👩🏼‍⚕️ Private Practitioner 📈 Entrepreneur, Author & Mentor 🎓Qualified Supervisor for State Licensure ⚖️ FL Supreme Court Family Law Mediator 🥅 Solution Focused ✌🏻Conflict Resolver ❤️ Self Compassion & Self Care Advocate 🧘🏼‍♀️ Mindfulness Meditating Yogi 🤔 Daily Intentions & Reflections 🗣 Neuro Linguistic Programming ✏️ Agile Learning Center Founder 📚 Self Directed Education Alliance 🧑‍🌾 Grower: Fruit Trees & Herbs 🍽 Psychology of Eating & Nutrition 👩‍🏫 Life Long Learner... 📍 Tampa, FL & Jurisdiction to practice in FL, CT, NC, SC, MD, VA

Optimizing Couples Therapy: Exploring Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and the Gottman Method

Unlocking the Power of Couples Counseling: A Comprehensive Comparison

Introduction: Choosing the Best Couples Therapy for You

Choosing the right couples therapy is crucial, considering the investment of time, money, and effort. In this Therapy Integration Series, we delve into two research-based approaches: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and Gottman Couples Therapy (GCT). Explore their similarities, differences, and discover ways to integrate both for more resilient and loving relationships.

Common Ground: EFT and GCT

Foundations of Emotional Regulation and Connection

Dr. John Gottman (GCT) and Dr. Sue Johnson (EFT) converge on a fundamental principle: enhancing emotional regulation and connection between partners. Both methods focus on cultivating awareness of emotions, providing comfort during distress, and building a secure emotional bond. The goal is to enable partners to respond and support each other effectively.

Shared Traits: EFT and GCT

1. Short-Term Counseling Approaches: EFT and GCT offer structured, short-term therapy ranging from 8-30 sessions.

2. In-Session Practice: Both methods emphasize organizing interactions during sessions to facilitate new ways of opening up to each other.

3. Focus on Accessibility: EFT and GCT aim to increase emotional vulnerability and receptiveness, fostering accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement.

4. Client-Centered Approach: Both approaches adopt a client-centered perspective, valuing self-actualization and unconditional positive regard.

Patterns and Habits: EFT and GCT's Common Focus

Both methods contribute to decreasing avoidance and enhancing positive interactional patterns. More details on these patterns will be explored later.

Distinguishing Characteristics: EFT vs. GCT

Emotionally Focused Therapy's View on Relationship Distress:

EFT posits that dysregulation occurs when a couple's bond is disrupted, leading to emotional, mental, and physical distress. Couples get trapped in self-perpetuating cycles, reinforcing avoidant and anxious attachment styles. EFT helps couples recognize these negative cycles, fostering compassion and responsiveness, ultimately creating a secure relationship bond.

Gottman Couples Therapy's Perspective on Relationship Distress:

Gottman identifies the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" – criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling – as behaviors predicting relationship distress. Gottman's clinical approach, based on the "Sound Relationship House Theory," guides couples to deepen friendship, enhance conflict management, and create shared meaning.

Steps in EFT and GCT: Addressing Relationship Distress

Emotionally Focused Therapy Steps:

1. Assess conflict issues and feelings of separateness or connectedness.

2. Identify negative interactional cycles.

3. Express and share emotions underlying each partner's position in the cycle.

4. Reframe conflict understanding in terms of emotions and attachment needs.

5. Identify disowned needs and hidden aspects, sharing them with the partner.

6. Promote acceptance of vulnerable parts and foster new ways of relating.

7. Express needs and wants to create emotional engagement.

8. New solutions emerge for old relationship issues.

9. Solidify newfound cycles of emotional closeness and attachment.

Gottman Couples Therapy Steps:

1. Educate about active expressions of caring and teach emotional communication skills.

2. Increase appreciation, admiration, and create norms to improve safety.

3. Identify satisfying qualities for the relationship and understand personal aspirations.

4. Express emotions constructively, soothing tension after an argument.

5. Resolve unresolvable problems, accept influence, and compromise.

6. Honor each other's hopes and dreams in conflict resolution.

Integrating EFT and GCT: The Perfect Blend

Combine Emotionally Focused Therapy sessions with Gottman Couples Therapy resources for comprehensive support. EFT helps emotionally attune partners, creating a secure attachment, while Gottman tools provide tangible interventions for connecting between sessions. This integrated approach enhances the effectiveness of couples counseling.

Conclusion: Creating Lasting Bonds

For the ideal couples therapy fit, consider integrating Emotionally Focused Therapy and Gottman Couples Therapy. Partner with specialized therapists and leverage the practical tools provided by both methods to maximize the benefits of your counseling experience.

Explore Further:

• Eight Dates by John Gottman

• An Emotionally Focused Workbook for Couples by Veronica Kallos-Lilly

• Gottman Card Deck App

• Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson

• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman

References:

• David, P. (2015). Wedding the Gottman and Johnson Approaches into an Integrated Model of Couple Therapy. The Family Journal, 23(4), 336–345.

• Johnson, S. M. (2004). The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Brunner-Routledge.

• Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2012). What makes love last? New York, NY: Simon & Schuster.

Book with Dr. Liz here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/initialintake

Text Dr. Liz on her cell phone 813-240-3237

Tampa Couples Counseling and South Tampa Marriage Counseling

I specialize in Tampa Couples Counseling and South Tampa Marriage Counseling, offering Relationship Therapy that fosters intimacy and happiness.

As a Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC), Marriage and Family Therapist, Ph.D, and a National Certified Counselor (NCC), I prioritize couples' well-being. At my South Tampa Office, I focus on couples, drawing from my Graduate Certificate in Marriage and Family Therapy (MFT). My approach centers on Gottman Method Couples Therapy, Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT), Internal Family Systems (IFS), and Structural Family Therapy addressing conflict, intimacy, and mutual understanding. I also utilize Compassionate Communication (NVC) to help couples and families use the same language to connect, even through the most difficult conversations.

In relationships, unmet needs often lead to misunderstood conflicts. Love transcends right or wrong; it seeks understanding, appreciation, and empathy. Effective communication holds the key to success.

Effective conflict management and communication are pivotal for a thriving relationship. Ignoring conflict breeds resentment, while poor communication is a precursor to separation or divorce.

Rest assured, your situation, though unique, can be unraveled. Couples often fall into predictable conflict patterns, but with guidance, these can be navigated.

In Couples Therapy, we tackle various issues:

• Communication breakdowns

• Recurring conflicts

• Emotional distance

• Relationship strains

• Commitment concerns

• Infidelity challenges

• Trust and boundaries

• Parenting dynamics

• Pre-marital concerns

• Intimacy and sexual difficulties

• Financial or health-related stress

All couples benefit from counseling, even those with normal conflict levels. Strengthening your relationship and coping mechanisms for future challenges are invaluable.

Let's embark on this journey together. Contact (813) 240-3237 to pave the way for happiness with your partner. I'm here to guide you towards a stronger, happier relationship.

Book with Dr. Liz here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/initialintake

Navigating Relationship Struggles: How Individual Marriage Therapy Can Make a Difference

Introduction:

In the journey of marriage, challenges are inevitable. Sometimes, seeking professional guidance through marriage therapy can be a transformative step towards a healthier, happier relationship. However, what happens when your spouse is unwilling to participate? In this blog post, we'll explore the significant benefits of individual marriage therapy and how it can positively impact your relationship, even when your partner is hesitant.

Focus:

- Individual marriage therapy

- Relationship struggles

- Marriage counseling for one

- Coping skills

- Emotional well-being

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1. **Understanding the Power of Individual Marriage Therapy**

Individual marriage therapy, also known as individual relationship counseling, is a tailored approach designed to help one partner navigate the complexities of a relationship, even if the other partner is not involved. It provides a space for self-reflection, personal growth, and learning valuable relationship skills.

2. **Gaining Clarity and Perspective**

Marriage therapy for one offers a unique opportunity to gain clarity about your feelings, needs, and expectations in the relationship. A skilled therapist can help you see the situation from a different perspective, enabling you to make more informed decisions about your marriage.

3. **Developing Effective Communication Skills**

Effective communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. In individual marriage therapy, you'll learn valuable communication techniques that can be applied to interactions with your spouse. These skills can help create a more open, understanding, and respectful dialogue.

4. **Coping Mechanisms and Emotional Well-being**

Marriage challenges often bring about emotional distress. Individual therapy equips you with coping mechanisms to manage stress, anxiety, and other emotions. This not only benefits your relationship but also enhances your overall well-being.

5. **Fostering Personal Growth and Self-Improvement**

Through the process of therapy, you'll have the opportunity for personal growth and self-improvement. This can lead to increased self-awareness, confidence, and a stronger sense of self, which in turn positively impacts your relationship dynamics.

6. **Setting Healthy Boundaries and Prioritizing Self-Care**

Learning to set and maintain healthy boundaries is crucial in any relationship. Individual therapy empowers you to establish boundaries that promote mutual respect and understanding. Additionally, it encourages self-care practices that contribute to your overall happiness and fulfillment.

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Conclusion:

In conclusion, individual marriage therapy can be a powerful tool for personal and relational growth, even if your spouse is unwilling to participate. By gaining clarity, honing communication skills, and prioritizing your emotional well-being, you can positively influence the dynamics of your marriage. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, and investing in your own growth can lead to positive changes in your relationship. If you're considering individual marriage therapy, take that first step towards a healthier, happier partnership.

Book a session with Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, LPC, LCPC, CCTP, NCC, DCC, Ph.D, Gottman & EFT Couples Counselor, NVC Compassionate Communication Specialist, and Trauma Informed Therapist!

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/initialintake

Nurturing Love: How Couples Counseling with the Gottman Approach and Emotion-Focused Therapy Can Transform Relationships

Introduction

Love is a beautiful journey, but it's not always smooth sailing. Every couple faces challenges and moments of discord. However, seeking help through couples counseling can be the beacon of hope that leads to a stronger, more fulfilling partnership. In this blog post, we'll explore how the integration of the Gottman Approach and Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) can be transformative in nurturing love and healing relationships.

Understanding the Gottman Approach

1. Building Strong Foundations: The Gottman Approach emphasizes the importance of creating strong foundations in a relationship. This includes open communication, trust, and a deep understanding of each other's needs and desires.

2. The Art of Effective Communication: Through the Gottman Method, couples learn how to communicate effectively, ensuring that their voices are heard, and their concerns are addressed. This involves active listening, empathy, and expressing oneself in a constructive manner.

3. Navigating Conflict: Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. The Gottman Approach equips couples with tools to navigate disagreements in a healthy and productive way. By identifying harmful communication patterns and learning to replace them with positive interactions, couples can break free from negative cycles.

Emotion-Focused Therapy: Healing from the Inside Out

1. Exploring Emotions: Emotion-Focused Therapy delves deep into the emotional landscape of a relationship. It helps couples identify and express their feelings in a safe and supportive environment.

2. Strengthening Emotional Bonds: By understanding and validating each other's emotions, couples can create a stronger emotional bond. This enables them to support and uplift each other, even in times of difficulty.

3. Healing Past Wounds: EFT provides a platform for couples to address past hurts and wounds. Through guided conversations, couples can work towards forgiveness, letting go of resentment, and finding closure.

The Power of Integration

When the Gottman Approach and Emotion-Focused Therapy come together, their synergy is extraordinary.

1. A Holistic Approach: The Gottman Approach focuses on practical, evidence-backed strategies, while EFT addresses the emotional core of a relationship. Together, they provide a comprehensive toolkit for couples to navigate challenges.

2. Strengthening Communication and Emotional Connection: Through this integrated approach, couples not only learn how to communicate effectively but also deepen their emotional connection. This leads to a more profound understanding of each other's needs and a greater sense of intimacy.

3. Long-Lasting Transformation: The integration of these approaches isn't just about temporary fixes. It's about creating lasting, positive change that enriches the fabric of the relationship.

Conclusion

Couples counseling with the integration of the Gottman Approach and Emotion-Focused Therapy is a powerful journey towards healing and growth. It offers couples the tools to communicate more effectively, understand each other on a deeper level, and ultimately, build a stronger and more resilient partnership. Through this transformative process, couples can nurture their love and create a foundation for a more fulfilling future together.

Insights from The Gottman Institute: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychologist and researcher, has dedicated his career observing relationships on a quest to discover what makes them work and what causes them to unravel. One of his most influential concepts is known as "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse," which identifies four communication patterns that can lead to the downfall of a romantic relationship if left unchecked. The four horsemen are:

Criticism

Contempt

Defensiveness

Stonewalling

Criticism

The first horseman, criticism, is attacking a partner's character rather than addressing a specific behavior or issue. It involves making sweeping negative statements about the other person, often using terms like "always" or "never." It sounds something like this:

“You always forget to do the dishes. I can never rely on you.”

Criticism can be destructive as it erodes the other person's self-esteem and creates a hostile atmosphere. Gottman's research shows that persistent criticism can be particularly harmful because it tends to escalate conflicts, making them more difficult to resolve. 

The better approach, or “antidote,” to criticism is the gentle start-up. Rather than blaming or finding fault with a partner’s behavior, it is more helpful to focus on using "I" statements, such as "I feel frustrated when the dishes aren’t done."

Contempt

Contempt is perhaps the most corrosive of the four horsemen. It involves expressing disdain, disrespect, or superiority towards one's partner. This can manifest as sarcasm, mockery, name-calling, or eye-rolling. Contempt often stems from a deep sense of resentment and can lead to long-lasting emotional wounds. It sounds like this:

“You still haven’t finished the taxes? (Eye roll.) Why am I the only competent person around here?”

Gottman's research indicates that contempt is a strong predictor of relationship dissatisfaction and divorce. 

The antidote to contempt is building a culture of respect and appreciation towards one’s partner. It’s challenging to break the cycle of contempt, but with time and better habits of expressing gratitude and appreciation, couples can begin to feel the love and respect needed to buffer against times of conflict.

Defensiveness

The third horseman, defensiveness, is a natural response to feeling attacked or criticized. Defensiveness shows up as making excuses, denying wrongdoing, or playing the victim. Unfortunately, it is also counterproductive when it involves shifting blame and failing to take responsibility for one's actions. It goes like this:

“It’s not my fault. You’re the one who overreacted.”

The antidote to defensiveness is taking ownership of one's mistakes and listening to their partner's perspective without immediately becoming defensive. A better response sounds like, "I understand why you're upset, and I'm sorry for my part in this."

Stonewalling

The fourth horseman is stonewalling which involves withdrawing from an interaction or conversation, often in response to feeling overwhelmed by conflict or criticism. Stonewalling occurs when one partner disengages, emotionally shuts down, or refuses to communicate, which leaves the other partner feeling unheard and rejected. It looks like this:

Crossing arms . . . looking away . . . staying silent . . . exiting the room.

The antidote to stonewalling is physiological self-soothing by taking a break. Couples should establish strategies for cooling off but commit to returning to the conversation later to resolve the issue constructively.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse provide valuable insights into the dynamics of relationships and how negative communication patterns can lead to their downfall. By recognizing and addressing these behaviors – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling – couples can work towards healthier, more satisfying relationships. 

Author: Lana Phillips

Book Appointment: https://southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment

How I Integrate Gottman Method Couples Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy

Integrating the Gottman Method Couples Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy allows for a flexible approach that can shift between relationship-building and attachment-oriented therapy based on the client's needs. In the late 1970s and early 1980s, Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Susan Johnson conducted pioneering research on creating happy and lasting relationships. Initially known primarily in academic circles, their work provided an empirical foundation to the often chaotic and unpredictable field of couples therapy.

Both Gottman and Johnson developed unique models of successful adult relationships, based on different perspectives and data sets. Gottman's research focused on longitudinal and observational studies of couples, examining both distressed relationships and satisfying ones. Johnson, on the other hand, drew from the theoretical framework of John Bowlby and her extensive experience in decoding and tracking couples therapy sessions, resulting in an empirical model of couples therapy.

The Gottmans emphasized relationship skill-building and an existential lens, while Johnson's approach was firmly grounded in Attachment Theory. There were also differences in their views on couples therapy and the role of the therapist. The Gottmans cautioned against therapists becoming indispensable to the couple and encouraged coaching couples to manage their own conflicts and intimacy. Johnson, however, saw the therapist as a "secure base" and aimed to create a secure container where anxiously or avoidantly attached partners could express vulnerable feelings and needs.

Despite their differences, the exciting development lies in the convergence of their approaches and the ability to seamlessly integrate both in couples therapy. This integration allows therapists to adapt their approach based on the couple's emotional system.

When working with couples, I begin with the Gottman Method, using the Sound Relationship House model. It provides a practical and understandable framework that couples can readily adopt. The structured assessment process of the Gottman Method is reassuring and transparent, allowing couples to share their story, be heard individually and together, and identify their relationship strengths and areas for growth. The process instills hope as strengths are highlighted, growth areas are connected with specific skills to be learned, and couples leave with a roadmap for their therapeutic journey.

However, the real work starts when addressing the emotional focus and the influence of attachment histories, styles, and internal working models in intimate relationships, as recognized by both Gottman and Johnson. While helping couples replace destructive patterns with healthier alternatives, I am attuned to their negative emotional cycles and unresolved hurts. With Gottman's language and relationship science in one hand and Johnson's emotion-focused and interpersonal tools in the other, I weave both approaches into the therapeutic process.

For example, when addressing criticism and contempt, I provide practical information to one spouse while simultaneously validating and exploring the attachment needs and emotions of the other partner. I employ Gottman's structured exercises, such as the Aftermath of a Regrettable Incident form, to help couples process arguments and improve their dialogue. Simultaneously, I examine the underlying dynamics of the conflict, considering attachment histories and their impact on individuals' ability to let go of anger or offer tenderness.

The integration of Gottman and Johnson becomes evident in working with bids, turning towards, and processing failed bids. I understand that not all hurts are equal and that certain emotional injuries can be traumatic, triggering deeply held beliefs about oneself, the partner, and relationships. Gottman's Sound Relationship House theory helps couples understand the connection between emotional bank accounts and the overall health of the relationship. Johnson's tools, on the other hand, aid in repairing depleted emotional accounts, acknowledging and healing attachment injuries, and restoring the bond between partners.

While I confess my initial affinity for the Gottman Method, finding comfort in its alignment with my therapeutic style, Johnson's approach challenges me to navigate the depths of primary emotions.

References:

Gottman, J.M. (2007). Marital Therapy: A research-based approach. Training manual for the Level I professional workshop for clinicians. Seattle, WA: The Gottman Institute.

Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. New York: Little Brown and Company.

Meunier, V. and Baker, W. (2012). Positive Couple Relationships: The evidence for long lasting relationship satisfaction and happiness. In Roffey, S. (Ed.) Positive Relationships: Evidence-based practice across the world. Sydney, Australia: Springer Publications.

Young, M.A. (2005). Creating a Confluence: An Interview With Susan Johnson and John Gottman. The Family Journal, 13(2), 219-225.

Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, Ph.D

Book an appointment with Dr. Liz: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/initialintake

Tips for Couples Bringing Baby Home for the First Time

Bringing a new baby home for the first time can be both exciting and overwhelming for new parents. With all the preparations and adjustments that need to be made, it's easy for couples to feel stressed out and exhausted. However, with some careful planning and preparation, couples can ensure a smooth transition and create a nurturing and loving environment for their newborn. Here are some tips to help couples when bringing their baby home for the first time.

1. Create a routine: Creating a routine is essential when bringing a new baby home. Establishing a consistent routine can help your baby feel more secure and help parents to manage their time effectively. Consider setting a regular feeding schedule, establishing a consistent bedtime routine, and creating a daily routine that includes time for play, rest, and quiet time.

2. Get organized: Preparing your home for a new baby is a crucial step in making sure that you are ready for their arrival. Make sure you have all the necessary supplies, such as diapers, wipes, bottles, and formula, if needed. Organize your baby's room, stock up on basic household items, and prepare meals in advance so that you have one less thing to worry about.

3. Take care of yourself: Taking care of yourself is just as important as taking care of your baby. Make sure to eat well, get enough sleep, and exercise regularly. Don't be afraid to ask for help from family and friends or consider hiring a postpartum doula to support you during this transition.

4. Communicate with your partner: Communication is key to ensuring a successful transition when bringing a new baby home. Discuss expectations and responsibilities with your partner, establish a plan for sharing childcare duties, and make time to connect and support each other during this time of change.

5. Don't be afraid to ask for help: It's okay to ask for help. Whether it's from a family member, friend, or a professional, seeking support can help ease the transition when bringing a new baby home. Don't be afraid to ask for help with household chores, cooking, or even just holding your baby while you take a shower.

6. Be patient: Remember, bringing a new baby home is a significant change, and it can take time for everyone to adjust. Be patient with yourself, your partner, and your baby. Trust that you will find your rhythm, and remember to enjoy the special moments along the way.

Bringing a new baby home is an exciting and challenging time for couples. By creating a routine, getting organized, taking care of yourself, communicating with your partner, asking for help, and being patient, you can ensure a smooth transition and create a nurturing and loving environment for your newborn. Remember, this is a time to cherish and enjoy, so take a deep breath, trust yourself, and embrace the journey ahead.

Author: Crystin Nichols
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Can Gottman Couples Therapy Help Your Relationship Improve?

If you are facing relationship struggles, Gottman Couples Therapy can provide you and your partner with the support you need to work through your problems. This approach to couple’s therapy is based on over 40 years of research conducted by Dr. John Gottman and his wife Dr. Julie Gottman.

The main goal of Gottman Couples Therapy is to help couples strengthen their relationships by improving communication, enhancing love, and building trust. The therapy process focuses on evidence-based interventions that have been shown to be effective in strengthening relationships.

One of the key elements of this therapy is the concept of “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” which refers to four negative communication patterns: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These patterns can be some of the most significant predictors of relationship breakdown. During the therapy sessions, the couples learn to recognize and avoid these patterns, which helps them to communicate more effectively.

Another essential component of Gottman Couples Therapy is the “Love Maps” exercise. This exercise involves creating a detailed understanding of each other’s inner worlds, including dreams, hopes, and fears. By building these Love Maps, couples can stay connected and understand each other better.

In addition, Gottman Couples Therapy helps couples to develop conflict management skills. During the therapy sessions, couples learn how to navigate argument and disagreements by expressing their own needs while also listening to their partner's feelings and concerns.

Gottman Couples Therapy also emphasizes the importance of reinforcing positive behavior. Couples are encouraged to express appreciation, admiration, and affection towards one another regularly. This allows the couple to build and maintain a strong foundation of love and positivity.

Overall, Gottman Couples Therapy is an evidence-based approach to counseling that can help couples work through various relationship challenges. By focusing on improved communication, increased trust, and building stronger emotional connections, couples can learn ways to enhance their relationship and increase their overall happiness.

Defensiveness & Emotional Flooding: Understanding Our Nervous Systems

DEFENSIVENESS

At its core, defensiveness is a way to protect our ego and a fragile self-esteem. Our research team member Ellen Alley explains that our self-esteem is considered fragile when our failures, mistakes, and imperfections decrease our self-worth. In our work, the opposite of a fragile self-esteem is grounded confidence. With grounded confidence, we accept our imperfections and they don’t diminish our self-worth. It makes sense that defensive-ness occurs in areas of our lives where we have fragile self-esteem, or across several areas of our lives if the fragility is more general. Any perceived call-out of our weakness is experienced as an attack on our worth, so we fight hard to defend ourselves against it.

In order to try to limit our exposure to information that differs from how we think of ourselves, we get defensive and overjustify, make excuses, minimize, blame, discredit, discount, refute, and reinterpret. Defensiveness blocks us from hearing feedback and evaluating if we want to make meaningful changes in our thinking or behavior based on input from others.

In our Dare to Lead training, we work with participants to figure out what defensiveness looks like for them, what it feels like, and whether there are some situations that are more likely to trigger it than others. To increase self-awareness, we ask folks to think back to a time when they received difficult feedback and try to remember what their bodies were doing, what thoughts were coming up, and what emotions they were feeling. The vast majority of people struggle to remember the exact thoughts and feelings, which makes sense, given that many of us go into fight-or-flight mode in these situations.

However, for the most part, people can remember their physical responses: Folding their arms over their chest, shoving their hands into their pockets, getting tunnel vision, feeling their heart race, looking down, and getting dry mouth are just a few. It’s worth thinking about the physical cues that show up for you when experiencing defensiveness and devising a strategy that can help pull you back into the present moment.

When I get defensive, I often get tunnel vision and start planning what I’m going to say instead of listening. But I have found some ways to disarm my defensiveness. My strategy is to subtly open my palms, even if my hands are just hanging by my side or on my lap, and actually say, “I’m sorry. Can you say that again? I really want to understand.” It’s pretty effective. If I’m having a really hard time, I might say, “I’m sorry. I’m feeling overwhelmed. I’m going to get a glass of water. Can we sit down in ten minutes and start again?”

FLOODING

This seems like the perfect place to talk about the concept of flooding. The body can become overwhelmed when it senses danger, and for a lot of us, a difficult conversation, hard feedback, or an argument is enough to send our body into overdrive. We can feel overwhelmed, attacked, and confused. According to the Gottman Institute, flooding is “a sensation of feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed during conflict, making it virtually impossible to have a productive, problem-solving discussion.”

In his book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last, John Gottman explains, “We each have a sort of built-in meter that measures how much negativity accumulates during such interactions. When the level gets too high for you, the needle starts going haywire and flooding begins. Just how readily people become flooded is individual.” He also shares that flooding is affected by how much stress you have going on in your life. The more pressure we’re under, the more likely we are to be easily flooded.

One of the worst patterns that I brought to my marriage from my family was “Get back in here and fight with me!” Growing up, we didn’t take breaks during fights. No one ever said, “This is no longer productive and we should take a time-out before someone gets their feelings hurt.” Our strategy was get louder and meaner until you win or someone else is crying. When I first married Steve, in the middle of a heated argument he would say, “Let’s stop and take a break.” I was like, “What are you talking about?”

At some point, I realized that stopping scared me. Fighting together seemed less painful than hurting alone. Looking back, I just didn’t know how to do it. I had never been taught or seen it modeled. Gottman’s work helped me understand the mechanics behind “Okay, can we circle back in twenty minutes?” or “Okay, how much time do you need?” Knowing that we’re coming back to finish the discussion, and when, reassures me in some way.

This research also helped me realize that it wasn’t just Steve who was getting overwhelmed. I get overwhelmed too. The difference is our strategies. He shuts down; I lash out. Disastrous.

Now when I feel flooded, I’m as likely to say “Time-out” as he is. This is a good thing because, according to Gottman, chronic flooding sets us up to dread communicating. Gottman discusses this effect in the context of marriages and partnerships, but I’ve seen the same thing in organizations. I’ve interviewed many research participants who experience chronic flooding with their bosses, so much so that every time they’re called into the office, they’re already on the path to overwhelm.

There’s only so much our bodies and nervous systems can stand before they flip the survival switch and stop communicating and start protecting or attacking. Looking back, I’ve never once regretted calling a time-out at home or work. Not once. I’ve never experienced a little time and space being a bad thing, but I have plenty of regrets the other way around.

Excerpted from Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown. Copyright © 2021 by Brené Brown.