How to get unhooked from difficult thoughts and emotions with ACT

By: Kaitlin Lowey, MHCI

You’ve likely heard the phrase uttered by Benjamin Franklin, “...in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.” As a mental health professional (and fellow human being), I would add one other inevitability: experiencing uncomfortable thoughts and emotions. 

“I’m not good enough.” “It’s breaking my heart.” “I totally freeze.” “Something feels off in my gut.” “What is wrong with me?” “I feel depressed.” “I’m so scared.” “What if I get it wrong?” “Do they actually like me?” “Why did I say that?” “What if I fail?” “What if I end up alone?”

Our difficult thoughts and emotions are 100% normal.

Many psychologists and counselors, especially those practicing Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), would argue that experiencing such thoughts and emotions is just part of being a human. In fact, emotions like anxiety serve a purpose – they protect us from threats (like a charging lion or a dimly-lit alley). Uncomfortable emotions only become a problem when they show up in non-adaptive ways and stick around long past when they’ve served their purpose – in other words, when the degree of emotion we feel outsizes the actual threat. Our emotional responses are both innate (such as fear of snakes) and learned (such as fear of touching a hot stove). Some emotional wounds experienced in childhood, particularly those related to relationships, can continue to impact our emotional responses well into adulthood. 

So, what do our minds do when we experience these emotions? They view the emotion as a problem to be solved – to be gotten rid of. Again, the mind’s problem-solving nature is normal. It’s how humans have survived and adapted for thousands of years. For instance, humans built homes to shelter us from animals and the elements. We created the wheel to transport objects more easily. We even invented the remote control to save us from the inconvenience of having to move to turn up the volume on the TV. Our brains are hard-wired to problem-solve, and that’s usually a great thing! However, it’s not so great when our brains’ well-intentioned but ill-fated attempts to get rid of uncomfortable feelings only makes those feelings stronger. 

So, what happens when our emotional response and our problem-solving are both operating on overdrive? Russ Harris, the author of ACT made simple: An easy-to-read primer on acceptance and commitment therapy, describes the effect as getting hooked. Getting hooked means our brains automatically label the thoughts as a threat, something we have to act on, or something requiring all of our attention (what ACT theorists call cognitive fusion). We may do everything in our power to get rid of them (what ACT theorists call experiential avoidance). In addition, we might start to fuse these thoughts with our self-concept (e.g., If I keep thinking I’m bad, then I must be a terrible person.) We can also lose contact with the present moment, instead narrowing our focus on the thing that’s making us uncomfortable, disconnecting from our experience, or disengaging. Ultimately, we can lose sight of our values (what we care about and want out of our lives) and instead attempt and reattempt the same ineffective strategies to gain control over our thoughts and feelings. In other words, we use just about every strategy we can to banish our discomfort. This might look like denial, obsessively ruminating on whether or not our thoughts and feelings are true, procrastinating, engaging in addictive substances, and other attempts to control and escape. 

The problem with these strategies is that they are not likely to work. Not only do they not solve our emotional discomfort in the long run – they actually move us away from the kind of life we want to lead. And to top it all off, they often result in a spiral of shame and self-loathing. It’s a vicious cycle. 

At this point, I want to pause and remind readers that it’s not our fault our brains are wired this way – it’s extremely normal and entirely human! And, once we accept this, we can begin to make changes that help our minds work for us, instead of against us.  

So, what’s a human to do? And how can ACT help?

ACT proposes an alternate strategy (with many concepts borrowed from Yogic and Zen principles) to deal with our emotionally uncomfortable thoughts and feelings: accepting them. What if, instead of fighting our emotions and accompanying thoughts, we accepted them for what they are: our bodies’ and minds’ attempts to protect us? What if, instead of living our lives constantly running away from our discomfort, we were able to view our discomfort as separate from ourselves, accept that feeling discomfort is normal in the situation we are in, and make choices that are workable and that move us in the direction we want? In other words, what if we were able to get unhooked?

Several tools from ACT can help us unhook from uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. For instance, mindfulness strategies work to reduce emotional intensity by enabling us to attend to our emotions and the present moment with compassion and acceptance. They can also get us into the habit of viewing our thoughts and emotions as things we are experiencing in this moment, rather than the absolute truth or indicative of who we are. 

One of my favorite ACT tools involves the concept of workability versus absolute truth. As Harris states, ACT isn’t interested in whether thoughts are true – the concept of truth could be endlessly debated. Instead, ACT is interested in whether our thoughts and what we do with them are workable. If a thought or a behavior is workable, it has worked for us in the past and/or is likely to work for us in the future. It will move us closer to our long-term goal. This is a simple question we can ask ourselves when we find ourselves getting hooked and in auto-problem-solving mode: is this thought or behavior workable? Or will it be ineffective or cause other problems? 

Finally, ACT asks us to get really clear on our values. What kinds of concepts (such as love, compassion, resilience, integrity, and authenticity, for example) do we want to guide our actions? If our problems did not exist, how would we operate? Once we know our values, we can endeavor to live in alignment with them. And living in alignment with our values results in less emotional discomfort, improved self-concept, and greater fulfillment. 

Who can benefit from ACT? 

Evidence shows that ACT can be effective for a myriad of mental health problems, including anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, depression, stress, phobias, chronic pain, addictions, and adjustment. But I believe that just about anyone can find usefulness in the approach. As Harris writes, 

“Who wouldn’t benefit from being more psychologically present; more in touch with their values; more able to make room for the inevitable pain of life; more able to defuse from unhelpful thoughts, beliefs and memories; more able to take effective action in the face of emotional discomfort; more able to engage fully in what they’re doing; and more able to appreciate each moment of their life, no matter how they’re feeling?” (Harris, p. 36) 

There is much more to ACT – more than can fit in this article. But I hope this post provides a basic understanding of how ACT can help us humans get unstuck and live a more meaningful, fulfilling life. 

By: Kaitlin Lowey, MHCI

Kaitlin joins her clients as they find relief, healing, hope, clarity, and transformation. She has helped individuals experiencing struggles with anxiety, stress, relationships, life changes, obsessive-compulsive disorder, intrusive thoughts, grief and loss, fertility and postpartum, motherhood and parenthood, athletic and career performance, perfectionism, identity, and self-worth. As an integrative therapist, Kaitlin collaborates with her clients to identify goals and choose research-supported therapeutic approaches that fit best. She offers in-person and online appointments.

Book with Kaitlin Lowey, MHCI here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/KaitlinLowey

Why anxiety is so hard to get rid of

By: Kaitlin Lowey, MHCI

Most people coming to therapy for anxiety have one goal: get rid of it. Anxiety is uncomfortable at best and debilitating at its worst, and it’s incessant. It can feel like the constant what ifs, watch outs, and you can’ts have taken over your mind. They don’t want to feel anxious, but they feel powerless against it. Some even feel defective – like something is wrong with them.

Here’s the thing: anxiety is often labeled as bad, but it’s not necessarily always a bad thing. I know, I know, it sounds counterintuitive – but hear me out. Anxiety plays a critical function in our lives. From an evolutionary perspective, anxiety was essential in pre-modern times. It told us to be on guard for possible bear attacks, poisonous berries, and other potentially life-threatening situations. Those who were vigilant and prepared for threats survived. 

Similarly, anxiety plays a protective role by helping us avoid real threats we’ve experienced in the past or have seen others experience. For instance, it tells us to use caution when driving in heavy traffic or prepare in advance for an important meeting. In other words, anxiety is an adaptive trait!

The problem is, anxiety can sometimes become overactive – like an overly-sensitive brain detector that goes off loudly at the slightest hint of possible danger. Why does this happen? Anxiety is associated with the oldest, most primal parts of the brain that are deeply connected with our body. Our body sends signals to our brain when it senses danger, and vice-versa. When anxiety is in high gear, we can’t reason with this part of the brain. It’s reactive and emotionally-driven. We enter flight, fight, or freeze mode – which is also referred to as being in a state of sympathetic nervous system engagement. When we are in this mode, our prefrontal cortex, which is the part of our brain associated with reasoning and executive functions, becomes less active or shuts down entirely. 

The question becomes, how do you get rid of your anxiety? 

There are many different schools of thought when it comes to addressing anxiety. These are just a few of the hundreds of therapeutic approaches, and the explanations are pared-down for brevity, but I hope they provide a high-level understanding.

A modern psychodynamic approach is based on uncovering unconscious thoughts and feelings contributing to the anxiety, and bringing them into awareness where they can be addressed. This often involves examining competing desires (such as the need for both freedom and closeness) as well as the influence of early experiences on expectations and beliefs. 

Humanistic counseling emphasizes the strength of client-therapist bond and puts the client in the driver’s seat. By reflecting the client’s thoughts and feelings with unconditional positive regard and acceptance, the counselor can help the client gain understanding and insight – and ultimately transform. 

In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), clients identify patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors associated with their anxiety – and the relationship between them. Then, they can enact a number of techniques to stop, reduce, or replace their unhelpful thoughts and learned behaviors with more helpful ones. 

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) was born out of CBT and has many similarities. However, the approach balances the behavioral change-focused aspects of CBT with acceptance of thoughts and emotions.

Using an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Approach, clients seek to accept that anxiety is a natural part of life and use a variety of strategies to “unhook” themselves from difficult thoughts and feelings. They also identify their values and identify strategies to move in the direction of their values and long-term goals. 

In exposure therapy, clients learn to reduce their fear response through slow, controlled, and measured exposure (either imagined or real) to the thing that scares them. This approach is often used to address OCD and phobias. 

What all of these approaches have in common is the belief that once we have greater insight into ourselves, we can help our minds work for us, instead of against us.  

So, what approach is best for you? The answer is, it depends. Therapy is not one-size-fits all. Different strokes work for different folks. And many counselors choose to take an integrative approach, where they pull tools from different theories, based on what will work best for each client. 

Individuals seeking treatment should talk with their mental health professional about their goals and collaborate with their provider to create a treatment plan that feels right. And remember – anxiety is a totally normal human experience. There’s nothing wrong with you! And there is hope. 

I am honored to have Kaitlin Lowey, MHCI as a colleague on our multidisciplinary team at South Tampa Therapy!

Kaitlin joins her clients as they find relief, healing, hope, clarity, and transformation. She has helped individuals experiencing struggles with anxiety, stress, relationships, life changes, obsessive-compulsive disorder, intrusive thoughts, grief and loss, fertility and postpartum, motherhood and parenthood, athletic and career performance, perfectionism, identity, and self-worth. As an integrative therapist, Kaitlin collaborates with her clients to identify goals and choose research-supported therapeutic approaches that fit best. She offers in-person and online appointments.

Book with Kaitlin Lowey, MHCI here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/KaitlinLowey

The Steps and Stages of Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples

EFT for Couples is a three stage nine step process that takes a couple out of their negative repetitive fights that are causing a couple distress, anguish and pain and into a new place of bonding and connection where the fights are resolvable and solutions can be found. It was created by Dr. Susan Johnson and based on research in attachment theory and emotion, as well as, on systems, humanistic, and experiential treatment models. As a model itself, it has been validated by research to help about 70% of couples achieve some long term gain.

Stage One - Stabilization (assessment and de-escalation) 

In stage one of EFT, the therapist works empathically with the couple helping them identify and break the negative cycle, pattern or what Dr. Johnson calls the dance that keeps them separated and in emotional distress. During this stage of therapy, the therapist helps the couple begin to get more in touch with the underlying feelings, fears, and unmet relationship longings driving the negative dance. Experiencing these emotions and seeing their partner experience them, helps the couple to start to feel close again. Things at home start to go along more smoothly. There is a sense of calm and hope. Finally, in this stage, as de-escalation begins to take root, the individuals in the couple pair begin to see, feel, and understand that together they have created this dance of distress. Each person begins to understand more deeply the effect of his or her behavior on the other. Couple learns to work together as a team to stop the cycle.

Step 1: 
Assessment: Delineate conflict issues. Assess how these issues express core conflicts in the areas of separateness/ connectedness and dependence/ independence.
​
​Step 2:
Identify the negative interaction pattern or cycle.

Step 3:
Dive more deeply into and feel and share the emotions underlying and fueling each partners position in the cycle. 

Step 4:
Develop an understanding and experience of the problem (reframe) in terms of the cycle, the underlying emotions driving the cycle and the attachment needs which are normal and longing to be meant.

Stage Two - Bonding 

Once the couple begins to understand the dance they do together and is able to step back and stop it or repair it when it gets going at home, they are ready for stage two of EFT. Stage two essentially involves bonding moments where the couple begins to learn how to communicate their vulnerabilities to each other in a new and non-reactive manner. They are supported by the therapist to take risks in expressing their core sense of self, in asking for the other to be there for them and in requesting understanding and acceptance. Partners take turns reaching out to each other in vulnerability and responding back with empathy creating a new sense of togetherness and secure attachment.

Step 5:
Delve into and identify disowned needs and aspects of self that have been hidden for each partner.

​Step 6:
Promote acceptance of these tender and hidden parts, aspects of self and new ways of relating.

​Step 7:
Facilitate the expression of needs and wants, and restructure the interaction to create true emotional engagement.
​

Stage 3 - Consolidation of Change

After the couple has finished the bonding and restructuring events of stage two, they will begin to feel more secure with each other. During stage three, they feel like a team again. The narrative of their relationship has shifted to one where the distress and conflict is understood, resolved, and just part of the story.

Step 8:
Facilitate the emergence of new solutions to old problematic relationship issues.

Step 9:
Consolidate new positions and cycles of emotional closeness and attachment.

Sure, people still fight and sometimes even go back into their cycle. This is normal and will happen especially during times of stress. However, they are able to pull themselves out of it and be there for each other because their sense of self and experience of the relationship has changed. Because of this new ability and sense and during stage three, the focus is more practical and mostly involves consolidating gains and problem solving.

Unlock the Path to Repairing Your Relationship Through Proven Scientific Methods for Recovering from an Affair.

Navigating an affair is no easy feat. It requires immense courage and emotional openness from all parties involved. To this end, renowned relationship experts Drs. John and Julie Gottman developed the Trust Revival Method - a three-tiered process of Atonement, Attunement, and Attachment – that has been proven to help couples rebuild trust after infidelity in clinical trials.

Over the years, I have had a front-row seat to hundreds of couples improving their relationships through this method. Through my observations, I've gained invaluable insights into what makes for an effective treatment plan. To provide clarity, let’s use names: Jen and Sal are married, and Jen had an affair with Adam.

Seek couples therapy, not just individual counseling

Building trust back-up is essential for any couple looking to reconcile. However, if both spouses are ready and willing to repair their relationship then seeking help from a couples therapist can be immensely beneficial. Keeping secrets any longer would only make the healing process more difficult. Turning to individual therapy is not enough, we need to learn how to rebuild trust and foster healthy relationships. Even if Jen is talking about the love she had for Adam, it’s important that Sal regain his role as confidante, and it’s even more important that Jen be completely transparent about what happened.

Those who have been involved in an affair often struggle to open up about their difficulty letting go of the other partner with their spouse. The most critical factor here? For Sal to progress, he must earnestly accept and trust that Jen is committed to choosing him and their marriage.

Understand that the "truth" doesn't always unravel all at once; instead, it often takes time.

This is a hard situation to manage. Often, people who have been involved in an affair are reluctant to fully disclose the details at first—whether they've been caught or if they willingly confess. In this situation, Jen will be conflicted-- guilt-ridden and highly protective of both Sal's feelings and Adam.

Sal may be irritated by the latter reason; however, it is an integral part of the procedure. Despite Sal's desire to have the entire truth laid out in front of them, Jen may not be able to deliver it all at once. The "story" often comes about gradually over time. Don't forget, she has now promised to the marriage and is likely afraid of Sal's response. That "too much too soon" could backfire on her terribly. When this happens, it is easy for the wounded partner to feel that the deceit was intentional, which many people who have been betrayed find just as painful and difficult to move past as any sexual or emotional betrayal. The therapist must maneuver skillfully through the betrayer's complex layers of defense and guilt, while giving a safe space for the betrayed to express their grief, anger, and fear in response to hearing "the absolute truth." It is imperative that both parties feel respected throughout this journey. Within the Atonement stage, it is essential to maneuver through emotions such as fear, guilt, anger and embarrassment with caution and transparency. This experience can be likened to walking a delicate tightrope that calls for exceptional care.

The affair itself was not a result of issues in the relationship, it is critical to address issues for lasting change.

There is little doubt that Jen bears full responsibility for her decision to seek satisfaction outside of the marriage, yet it's important to remember that these types of situations do not occur in a vacuum. It must be acknowledged that this affair took place within the context of Jen and Sal's marital relationship.

Sal and Jen should strive to craft a new, invigorated connection where both can pledge anew and abandon the former relationship that was proving unsuccessful. To revive their marriage and create a better, healthier relationship, both partners need to acquire new skills and methods of communication. This is not about resetting the clock; it's about creating an entirely new journey -- Marriage #2!

If Jen only places blame on the marriage, that's a warning sign of marital troubles ahead. According to Gottman's teachings, if she was unable or unwilling to recognize the issues in her marriage, it would be comparable to being stuck with the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Similarly, if Sal refused to admit that there were any problems within his relationship, he too would remain entrenched in defensiveness and contempt - thus preventing any progress from occurring.

According to Drs. John and Julie Gottman, discussing the context of marriage should be done during the "Attunement" phase of treatment rather than in "Atonement." This can sound simpler than it actually is; I've found that clear boundaries are needed to ensure nothing within the marriage enticed betrayal--both topics may then be discussed separately. To help aid this process, keeping them separate from each other can work even better.

Structure is crucial to communication effectively about the affair

In her book "Not Just Friends," Dr. Shirley Glass explains that the betrayed partner in an affair can often display signs of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, with emotional stability immensely compromised and a feeling of security vanishing from the marriage entirely. As the betrayed journeys through their healing, it is essential to provide a structured sessions that can assist them in working through possible trauma symptoms like hypervigilance, nightmares and flashbacks at an appropriate pace.

For the betrayer, the process of healing and repentance needs to happen swiftly; for those who have been betrayed, it can feel like time stands still.

Jen's task is clear: she must break off her relationship with Adam and provide Sal whatever information he needs to begin healing. As a result, many people come armed with pages of inquiries in search of answers.

If Jen hesitates to openly share private details, such as cell phone or social media passwords, that could be a sign that the painful effects of the affair are still not fully comprehended. Or it may simply suggest that she has not yet taken full accountability for her actions. At this juncture, it is essential to focus on the betrayer and attempt to comprehend their resistance (whether stemming from issues pertaining to the affair or a different characteristic such as an issue with authority) in order for healing progress.

To ensure that both individuals have time to process their thoughts and feelings, it is best if the couple can abstain from discussing the affair out of therapy sessions. However, for those who cannot keep quiet about it until meeting with a therapist, we advise limiting topics related to the infidelity through scheduling specific times when they talk about it. To ensure that healing can take place and to de-escalate potential emotional explosions, both parties must be willing to commit to avoiding the four horsemen of communication during dialogue. By adhering to this structure, it not only helps prevent further pain but also allows for a sense of control over an already powerful affair.

Unsurprisingly, the affair will be continuously on your collective thoughts. However, it is essential to contain and compartmentalize that aspect of reality in order to keep looking ahead. Commence exploring new information as a tool for recommitment and reunion!

As Sal, and others in similar positions, may be tempted to search for every detail about the affair such as if Jen loved Adam or why she was attracted to him, this can further re-traumatize them according to Dr. Glass’ PTSD warnings; thus it is advisable that they are careful when seeking out intimate details of where the affair happened and what their sexual encounters were like. John & Julie Gottman would encourage Sal not become lost in those particulars. His inquisitiveness can become compulsive, seeking far too many details. However, failing to be well-informed on a matter may lead to future distress.

Sal pondered for what felt like an eternity, asking himself the question: "What do I really want out of this?" He soon realized that there was nothing else he could ask. Now content with not having any immediate answers to his questions and accepting that it was all right to remain in a state of uncertainty, Sal eventually gave himself permission to accept his current situation.

Realize the need for trust goes both ways

Jen doesn't want to think about the fact that, in 10 or 15 years' time, Sal might express his unforgiveness and resentment towards her affair by saying "I never really forgave you for that affair. I want a divorce." Alternatively, he may simply distance himself and act passive-aggressively without ever verbally expressing it.

That's very unfortunate. I have witnessed couples returning to me years after undergoing therapy for an affair, yet without having achieved the "Attachment" milestone that Drs. John and Julie Gottman recommend as a true state of reconciliation. The unforgiving spouse may appear outwardly docile but still holds resentment deep inside while their partner feels inexplicable loneliness due to the underlying distrust, fault-finding, or rage that remains unaddressed despite appearances suggesting all is well between them.

Sal should show Jen that their trust is growing by reassuring her in meaningful ways. He could say, “The thought of you being out of town last night caused me to want to text and ask for a picture, but then I realized that wasn't necessary anymore; it's clear our relationship has advanced beyond such inquiries."

Without being provided with the necessary information, Jen can feel discouraged and as if her efforts go unnoticed. To create a new connection that is even better than before, both need to comprehend and trust that they are devoted to staying together, determined to make this relationship work.

Recovering from an affair is a journey that will take time. Like all forms of grief, it can feel like both Jen and Sal are being taken on an emotional rollercoaster—one day you may think the incident occurred ages ago, while the next could bring about feelings that are more raw than ever before .Over time and with effort, you can develop essential skills for communicating about conflict, re-establishing trust within a relationship, reigniting physical/sexual intimacy in your partnership, and providing attention to how the issues have impacted children or other family members.

The possibilities of what affair recovery could look like are seemingly endless and often complex, but the good news is that it can absolutely be done. With dedication to creating a stronger partnership than before, you will find yourself in an even deeper relationship as opposed one just created by the affair. This doesn't mean your union won’t have its issues; rather, it means that with commitment from both partners these difficulties can become opportunities for growth and understanding.

Book with seasoned affair and trauma informed psychotherapist, Elizabeth Mahaney, to help you recover from infidelity! https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/initialintake

CALL or TEXT: 813-240-3237

Body Neutrality: An Alternative to Body Positivity in Eating Disorder and Disordered Eating Recovery

Recovering from an eating disorder or disordered eating is both emotionally turbulent AND a highly rewarding journey. When it comes to recovery goals mental health practitioners tend to focus on food, weight, and other disordered compensatory behaviors (think: over exercising, purging, body checking, food rules, etc.) When it comes to body image, I have noticed a lack of strategies for addressing poor body image other than loving your body or other inherently positive body image perspectives. I am so grateful that body neutrality skills are a growing trend in the treatment of disordered eating and eating disorders, but it doesn’t hurt to raise awareness and provide education about the benefits of adopting body neutrality. 

So, what is body neutrality and why is it helpful in supporting recovery goals? 

Body neutrality is an intentional perspective you can learn and practice so that you can train yourself to feel more neutral about your body. It is self-evident that feeling neutral is a far superior feeling than hatred, fear, disgust, loathing, or even pride. 

If you are one of the few that can achieve unconditional love towards your body, then keep up the good work! Most people struggle to do so as changes in our bodies over time are inevitable thus creating a shaky foundation for body positivity and body love. Not to mention how difficult this would be for people in marginalized bodies. 

I love the body neutrality perspective because it untangles all the emotional and mental drama placed on the body during an eating disorder and neutralizes bodies in general. Objectively our bodies are our physical structures. Some could call them our vessels, the things we travel around in during our lives. Body neutrality is a state of not supporting either side of the conflict and disagreement (body love vs. body hate). 

The shift towards body neutrality takes time and effort. It is certainly uncomfortable. Some of this has to do with the repetition and habit of body hate in our brain patterns but also it has to do with the normalization of negative labels and biases from society and social media. It is terrifyingly normal for people who identify as women or people in larger bodies to report negative body image thoughts every day and even more so to report the actual evidence they have of being labeled or judged by others. 

I have sat with clients and seen the struggle, frustration, and sometimes rage in their faces when I open the door to potentially widening their lenses and looking at themselves differently. When you are fighting a war with your body it feels just or right that you punish yourself. On the flip side, if the alternative is body love and you are in a marginalized body, the chasm between you and loving your body feels insurmountable 

Does this scene sounds dismal? Don’t worry there is a way out, but the question is what do we do? The first step is that you try to be open and willing to shift your perspective. 

What I have seen with clients is that if they don’t at least TRY to shift their perspective, they will continue to spend the rest of their years trying to fit into someone else’s ideal and remain trapped in the prison of their own self-hatred.

Body neutrality becomes a resting place from the constant chaotic chatter and criticism of the mind. It’s a space where you can find some peace and take some pressure off yourself thus simultaneously lowering your stress levels. 

Body neutrality is shifting your perspective towards appreciation and respect for your body. It is honoring the body as it is and taking a few steps down the body image continuum towards a more neutral zone.

Body neutrality is the space where you do not support your body hatred anymore.

Below are five practical steps you can start on if you want to begin shifting your perspective. 

1. Call a truce on the war with your body. You can’t hate yourself happy, successful, thin or anything else. Step away from living in the body hatred camp. This doesn’t mean you have to now love your body, just make a conscious commitment that you do not want to be stuck in that camp. 

2. Start a daily body appreciation practice. Write down 5 things every day that your body can do.

3. Counteract your negative self-talk with some body neutral phrases. For example: 

• Thank your body, for taking care of me today.

• My thighs are strong and help me walk.

• Thank you belly for holding my organs.

• My arms allow me to hug the ones I love.

• My weight does not define my worth.

4. Focus on your strengths. What are your unique talents, and what are you good at? What do others like about you? Essentially, what do you bring to the table that is not your body. This could be getting clear on your values or looking at your positive character traits or even exploring your passions and dreams. 

5. Clean up your social media feeds. If there are people or sites that make you feel bad about yourself, or that you compare yourself with delete them. What you look at impacts your ability to shift your perspective. Finally, seek out the support of a therapist who specializes in eating disorder and disordered eating recovery. Ask potential therapist if they are Health at Every Size informed and what their perspective is on body image. 

Best of luck and please reach out for a free consultation if you have any questions about therapy or what the process of recovery might look like. 

-Shaundra McGuire 

To book with Shaundra McGuire, RMHCI: https://shaundratherapyandwellness.squarespace.com/

Five Therapy Skills to Help You Stop Overthinking

Overthinking is a learned thought pattern that exacerbates anxiety. Overthinking is exhausting. Although it feels helpful to continue thinking about the given problem or stressors it is ultimately unproductive. Over thinking and anxiety are not inherently wrong because the brain is wired to keep you safe and scan for evidence to validate perceived threats. However, overthinking becomes unhealthy when it causes anxiety and takes away from enjoying your life and acting according to your values. This post aims to help you identify your overthinking patterns and to provide you with tools to start reducing those patterns. 

Four Types of Overthinking: 

• • Rumination about the past

• • Worry about the Future

• • Over-analyzing decisions

• • Social Anxiety (for example: why did I say that? what did they think?)

OK, so let’s go through the skills!

One: Noticing and naming 

We are often not aware of our thought patterns, so we need to get skilled at identifying our thinking. Start intentionally becoming aware of overthinking and when you notice it simply saying, “I am overthinking.” You could also ask a loved one or therapist to call you out when they notice you’re overthinking.  

You can also learn your triggers by observing when you start to ruminate. What time of day? What people or situations get your brain going haywire? If you are struggling to notice your overthinking, you could set an alarm on your phone every hour and check to see if you are ruminating or how much you have been ruminating that hour. At this point you can begin tracking it, so you have data to use as your start point on your journey towards overcoming overthinking patterns. 

Two: Setting Limits on Overthinking

Now that you’ve become aware of your overthinking and are addressing your triggers you can start postponing or scheduling times to ruminate. This sounds counter intuitive but setting these limits sends the message to your brain to stop nagging you because you WILL address it. It teaches you that you have some influence over your worry. When you’re just starting out it is a good practice to schedule “worry time” each day for one month. You could schedule 30 minutes, for example, every day to address your worries. After those 30 minutes you can purposefully go back to what’s important to you. 

It is important to try and never worry in your head. You could write it down, record a voice memo, or video on your phone or computer. The point is to get it out of your head. Other tools you could try are writing a pros and cons list or using a brain dump. Scheduling worry shows your brain there’s a time and place for worry.  

Three: Attention Shifting 

Our brains are thought producing machines constantly sending us thoughts throughout the day. The good thing is we do not have to attach to or internalize every automatic thought. There is a deeper you underneath your thoughts. You are the referee. You can learn to separate yourself from your thoughts so that you can choose which thoughts you will buy into and which ones you won’t. You can start separating from your thoughts by practicing mindfulness or cognitive diffusion skills. 

Visualization is also a great tool. Try viewing your thoughts like channels on a TV. When you notice you’re on the worry channel visualize clicking the remote to change channels. This might look like shifting from fearing all the things you can’t control to focusing on thinking or doing one thing you can. This is a form of shifting focus and putting your attention on thoughts that better serve you. 

Another skill is turning your attention away from worry and towards the present moment.  This shift is from inward to outward. In any given situation when you are worrying you can return to what is directly around you. 

What can you see? Hear? Touch? Smell? What people can you look at? What are you feeling inside your body? Can you feel your breath?

Beyond your worry there is a world right there outside of you. The more you practice these skills the easier they become. 

Four: Learn to shift from Abstract thinking to Concrete Thinking

Oftentimes overthinking is aggravated by an unhelpful thought pattern called Over-generalization. Over-generalizations keep us thinking abstractly versus concretely. For example, “why can’t I ever get my needs met.” This type of thinking leads to self-loathing and helplessness. So, try and Avoid WHY questions “Why can’t I ever get better? why do I always do this? why do I overthink so much?” These questions do not lead to anything actionable, so we need to shift from why to what questions. For example, “what is one small thing I can do today for my mental health?” Instead of asking “Why can’t I ever succeed at relationships” you could ask “what is one relationship skill I can work on.” Once you are aware of your overthinking, have set boundaries on when you will worry, and have begun to separate from believing all your thoughts it is important you ask what questions. It is far more effective to pick one step to work on than to catastrophize and ponder the why’s of your life and your situation. 

Five: Shift from overthinking to your values

Before you can stop overthinking, you must know what you do want more of in your life. Instead of thinking, “I do not want to overthink” it might be helpful to try thinking “what do I want in my life.” Avoidance increases anxiety in the long run so instead of distracting (or avoiding) your unhelpful thoughts try shifting your thoughts toward exploring what you really care about. What is most important to you right now? What do you want your life to be about? Overthinking tends to isolate and decrease the vastness of one’s world. Getting clear on your values and what you want out of life is one step to reverse the withdrawing nature of anxiety. I hope these tools helped you. If you would like more support in overcoming your overthinking, feel free to book a free consultation with me. 

https://shaundratherapyandwellness.squarespace.com/contact 

Warmly, 

Shaundra McGuire, MHCI  

Learn How to Connect With Your Child Through Play:

“You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.” –Plato

Utilizing play to connect with your child on a deeper level, will open the door for new shared experiences and new magical moments. Research has shown that children NEED play. It is their natural language and their way of relating to the world around them. Play helps a child to make sense of their experiences, feelings, desires, wants, and needs. It helps a child to develop a sense of self-concept and competency. 

So how can parents learn to utilize the natural language of their children (play) to get on their level and connect? Parents sometimes try to connect through words- asking their child to describe how they are feeling or the reason behind their tantrum- only to feel confused and disappointed at their child’s lack of words. Let’s try a different approach. 

The PRIDE skills are a helpful template for parents to use when connecting through play with their child. These skills will help guide how the interaction flows, focusing on the child directing the play. 

Praise appropriate behaviors

-As you watch your child engage in play, praise the behaviors that are appropriate and that you want to see more of. It’s helpful to be specific and clear in your praises to help the child understand what you are referring to. For example, “Great job at playing with your truck so quietly!” The goal of this skill is to increase the desired behaviors that your child is already showing and to let them know what you want to see more of.
Reflect appropriate talk

-Allow the child to direct the conversation as you are playing with them. Avoid asking questions. Instead, repeat the talk that you want to hear more of. This demonstrates to the child that you are actively listening and playing along with them. It also helps to increase verbal communication because it allows space for your child to talk in whatever way comes naturally, instead of constantly answering adult’s questions. Here are a few simple examples of reflecting appropriate talk: 

Child: I drew a house. Parent: You drew a house! 

Child: I like to play with these dolls! Parent: Those dolls are fun to play with!
Imitate appropriate play 

-Allow the child to direct what and how you are playing during this time. As the parent, it’s your job to simply imitate appropriate play that you want to see more of. This helps to foster more self-confidence and autonomy in your child, by allowing them to take the lead, and showing that you are willing and excited to follow along. So, if the child starts making food in their play kitchen, you join in as the sous-chef and make food alongside them!
Describe appropriate behavior verbally 

-As your child continues playing and switching to new toys, it’s helpful for parents to simply describe the behaviors they are witnessing. For example, “You’re moving the blocks around with your hands” or “You’re drawing a picture with your markers”. This has been shown to help increase a child’s attention and focus on whatever activity they are currently engaged in. Try to specifically describe what the child is doing with his/her hands to help draw their attention to the actions. This not only helps the child to focus, but it also shows them that their parent is intentionally watching and paying attention to their play.
Enthusiasm

-It is SO important for your child to see that you are enthusiastic about this play time the two of you are sharing together. Parents can show that they are excited to play through verbal and non-verbal encouragement: positive phrases and non-verbal cues such as smiling. Demonstrating enthusiasm in play allows the parents to serve as a role model for the child to see the expression of positive emotions. It also gives the child positive attention which is so powerful for them to feel loved and supported. 

Here are a few examples of enthusiastic phrases: 

“This is so much fun!”

“Wow you built such a great castle with your blocks!” 

Research shows that even 5-10 minutes of this intentional child-directed play can make all the difference in the relationship between child and parents. If you are interested in learning more about Peaceful Parenting techniques, book a session today!

Written by Jamie Rudden

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/JamieRuddenMFTI

A Lesson for those who feel Unworthy or “Never Enough”

The topic of self-worth is common amongst therapists who are passionate about guiding their clients towards relief from negative thinking, anxiety, and low self-esteem. To gain a sense of self-worth it is important to identify what subconscious (or conscious) beliefs you hold that might be blocking you from offering yourself UNCONDITIONAL positive regard.

The term unconditional positive regard was coined by the American psychologist Carl Rogers. Carl Rogers believed that all humans are inherently “enough” and “worthy.” It was Rodger’s mission to bestow upon all his clients the experience of being treated with unconditional positive regard. Spoiler alert: that is also my mission! 

Ok, but for the sake of this post let’s define the terms. I want to focus on the “unconditional” part. Unconditional means that no condition sets you up against your inherent worthiness. To believe you are worthy of unconditional positive regard you must identity what Rodgers called “conditions of worth.” Conditions of worth are the beliefs that block you from accepting unconditional positive regard and from feeling worthy for just being you. 

Conditions of worthy might go something along the lines of……

• If I am funny, people won’t notice my insecurities

• I am safe and worthy if I keep this job or make x amount of money

• If I am agreeable and quiet, I am acceptable.

• It is not okay to show who I truly am I can be a chameleon and be loved

• I must make peace; conflict will show that I am an angry person

• As long as I stay beautiful, my husband will love me

I could probably write thirty pages of hypothetical “Conditions of worth” but I will spare you from that. The point is that we all have internalized “conditional worth” beliefs learned from caregivers, parents, teachers, cultural messages, or religious institutions. 

Once you have taken in these messages as fact, your brain starts to scan for evidence that will validate that belief. 

For example, if you believe that “good people are agreeable and don’t pick fights,” every time your partner picks a fight or confronts you, you might push down your feelings or reactions to appease them.

You do this because, “good people don’t fight back” right? “Good people are agreeable” right? You can’t possibly share your truth or advocate for your feelings because if you do, you won’t be good, and everyone wants to believe they are good right? 

Do you see the danger in this type of thinking? Continuing to live in reaction to these beliefs, with a brain that is wired to scan for evidence that bolsters them, is essentially what creates the “inner critic” in our heads. The voice that does not sound warm and fuzzy. The voice that certainly does not speak unconditional positive regard to our dear souls. 

So, step one is to think about your parents, your family, your spouse, or your religious organization. Try to identify any messages you’ve learned that set you up against your inherent worthiness with any “condition” that you must meet. 

Once you are aware of these messages you can begin to externalize them. For example, when you hear the thought: 

“I shouldn’t speak up because I will be seen as too much” you might say “I notice I am having the thought that I shouldn’t speak up because I will be seen as too much.” You might say, “I am hearing my moms voice in my head.” At that, you might begin to chuckle as you notice that some of the thoughts in your head are not your true thoughts but merely conditioned beliefs that your little child brain absorbed as absolute truth. 

At this point, you have awareness which is a powerful tool. Once you’re aware you can choose not to put energy towards that thought and more importantly you can choose not to act in reaction to that thought. 

Sometimes we have all these negative feelings towards ourselves and fears that drive us. We identify with them and think they are us. What a relief when we can understand that those thoughts aren’t us. The inner critic is not you and you don’t have to act in reaction to it. 

My final thought is that when you experience anxiety when trying to go against the thoughts, remember that you can tolerate it. The only reason it feels scary is because you have never opposed those thoughts in the past. The more you notice them, do the scary thing and act from your thoughts (not your conditioned thoughts) the more you essentially become you. 

Maybe it is just me, but I don’t want to live in a world where I must earn my worth or worthiness. Most people when looking at an innocent child, inherently know there is something worthy about them regardless of what they do, how they look, what they say, etc. We are still those innocent children deep down. The more we live from a place of worthiness the freer we become to treat others with such unconditional positive regard. 

I hope this blog taught you something or sparked an insight. If you have questions about this topic or want to explore your past and conditions of worth, I offer free 15 min consultations and would love to get to know you. 

Shaundra McGuire, MFTI 813-298-8905

Book With Shaundra: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ShaundraMcguireMFTI

Tips to Ease the Transition to Parenthood for Couples:

Brining a baby home is the start of an exciting, yet sometimes overwhelming, new chapter for a couple. It’s a chance for both partners to grow in their relationship as they discover new ways of creating shared meaning and goals for the whole family. These changes can sometimes feel uncomfortable and create conflict within the romantic relationship. Research shows that there is often a dip in relationship satisfaction during the first three years of the transition to parenthood. Babies are messy and they can disrupt the stability and balance that couples create in their romantic relationship. Becoming aware of the common challenges that new parents face will better equip you for the messy journey ahead.

Here are some common challenges that couples’ face when bringing baby home:

Differences in Parenting Styles:

Bringing a baby home means that a new set of rules, expectations, and boundaries are needed to be created to account for this third person coming into the relationship. Couples sometimes disagree on what these rules should look like, which is often when conflict arises. Perhaps your partner wishes to try the “cry-it-out” method, and you have a different vision of how you want to handle the nighttime routine. Learning how to navigate these disagreements and reach a point of compromise is an important skill for new parents to develop. One method that has been proven to help, is implementing an “empathetic dialogue”. This means listening to understand your partner’s point of view, before offering a different approach. Try to see if you can understand why your partner feels and believes in a certain parenting style, and where that belief may stem from. Once you each have a better understanding of each other’s worlds, then you can open the door for a discussion of creating a “compromised” parenting style that feels right for both parents. It's important to note that couples' disagreements on parenting styles is very common and very normal. It highlights the parent’s desire to do what they believe is best for their child, which is a positive thing. Being open to the influence of a partner and your willingness to create shared family rules are two helpful tools in navigating this transition.

Intimacy changes:

Many couples struggle with exhaustion, sleep deprivation, and low sex-drive during this transition period. The demands the new baby brings on the couple can be exhausting, and the romantic relationship may fall on the backburner to make time for new parenting responsibilities. It’s important to create an open conversation about expectations for intimacy. Which includes more than just sex. Intimacy can come in many forms such as hand holding, cuddling, kissing, back scratches, etc. Find out the different ways your partner likes to experience intimacy, and workshop how the two of you can find little moments in your daily life to foster that connection. It’s crucial that you avoid criticism or judgment in the conversations about intimacy. Partners may be coming from very different places with individual struggles and concerns. Be patient with your partner and yourself during this transition. If you are concerned that you or your partner may take sexual rejection personally, it’s important to discuss these concerns openly. Have a conversation about how you can approach when one partner is “not feeling up to it” so that it does not lead to hurt feelings of rejection or misunderstanding on either side.

         The transition to parenthood is a huge shift with inevitable challenges along the way. It is completely normal for couples to struggle with issues surrounding parenting styles, marital expectations, finances, household chores, and more. Although it may feel overwhelming at first, it is possible to create shared family goals, values, and rules that both parents are satisfied with. If you’re struggling with this transition and interested in learning more, book an appointment today for the research based Gottman technique “Bringing Baby Home”.

Written by Jamie Rudden

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/JamieRuddenMFTI

https://southtampacounselor.com/bringing-baby-home

How Psychotherapy Retrains the Brain to Expect (and Feel) Better!

People enter psychotherapy with the desire to feel better, but they are often unsure how therapy will help them accomplish this goal. A common refrain from people hesitant to enter therapy is, “How is talking going to help?” People are used to talking to other people to get practical solutions to problems, and while problem-solving does have a place in therapy, change also occurs on a much deeper and unconscious level. This process has to do with the way the human brain is programmed and cannot easily be mimicked outside of a relationship with a psychotherapist.

Our brains are always evolving unconsciously through our relationships. People who experienced painful relationships growing up have been trained to expect hurtful experiences with others. It takes a new type of relationship—in particular, a therapeutic relationship—to retrain the brain to expect more positive experiences, which is a big part of ultimately feeling better. 

WHY CAN’T A THERAPIST JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO?

To understand why the therapeutic relationship can be so valuable and cannot be mimicked by, for example, advice in a self-help book, it is instructive to look at how the human brain has evolved. Broadly, there are three parts of the human brain that represent different phases of evolution: There is the reptilian brain, which evolved first and is responsible for the automatic control of vital bodily functions such as breathing; the limbic brain, which evolved second and is responsible for the regulation of emotion and behavior; and the neocortex, which evolved last and is responsible for higher-order functions such as symbolic thought, language, and reasoning.

When a person asks their therapist or a friend what they should do about something, they are essentially asking for a neocorticol solution—something that is rational and can be consciously implemented. Often, however, their problems are a result of hurtful experiences in their earlier relationships that have caused changes in their limbic brain, and only a new type of relationship can alter their limbic brain to produce fewer negative emotions and more positive ones.

BRAIN WIRING IN OUR YOUTH: HOW EMOTIONAL ISSUES BEGIN

Our emotions are meant to help us survive in a world in which we need the help of others. Over time, our limbic brains evolved to automatically create emotions, such as anger and sadness, that are meant to help us navigate the social world. When someone mistreats us, evolution has programmed us to become angry to try and change their behavior. When someone rejects us, we feel sad so we can mourn the loss of what we wanted with them and move forward with our lives.

However, when we are young and particularly dependent on others for survival, whether our emotions actually help us navigate the world has a lot to do with how other people—our parents in particular—respond to them. A child who responds to unfair or disappointing experiences with anger and is further punished for doing so may, over time, come to unconsciously pair the expression of anger with pain. As this occurs, rather than directly experiencing anger at times of unfair treatment or disappointment, they may instead experience anxiety about having anger because their brain has been trained by their social environment to expect that anger will hurt rather than help. Their limbic system is in effect attempting to prevent further emotional pain in the form of being punished, but the cost is another type of emotional pain in the form of persistent anxiety. This can be particularly problematic when people enter into new relationships (friendships, romantic relationships) where there would not be the same costs associated with the open expression of an emotion like anger, but earlier experiences still create anxiety and inhibit its expression.

RETRAINING THE BRAIN WITH PSYCHOTHERAPY

A psychotherapy relationship allows a person to essentially retrain their limbic system to no longer expect negative reactions to the expression of certain emotional experiences, and in doing so can alleviate the anxiety and unconscious emotional suppression their earlier experiences programmed into them. The therapeutic relationship does this in part because the parameters of psychotherapy recreate the type of relationship in which a person was first forced to suppress their emotions: one where they are dependent on another person to meet their needs.

A successful course of therapy helps restore a person’s emotional flexibility and empowerment so they can have greater agency in their relationships.

Just as a parent has a daunting task in meeting all of a child’s needs, so too does a psychotherapist, especially since many people arrive to therapy wanting a conscious, rational solution to their problems when such a solution often does not exist. Therapy presents a unique opportunity to heal and feel better by the way the therapist solicits and responds to feelings such as disappointment, anger, and sadness that emerge over the course of treatment. Rather than punishing a person for having these emotional experiences in the same way that may have occurred when they were younger, a therapist can actively solicit, explore, and normalize their feelings. This helps to retrain a person’s limbic system to no longer pair the expression of those emotions with punishment. As this de-coupling unconsciously occurs, the person becomes more easily able to tolerate the experience and expression of emotions.

THRIVING IN ADULTHOOD

This shift in tolerance for emotions naturally causes a person’s anxiety level to diminish because their mind is no longer fighting to ward off their innate emotional impulses. In addition to symptom relief, the beautiful part of this process is it restores a person’s ability to constructively access their emotions for their original purpose—as a way of helping to navigate the social world. It is hard to thrive in relationships when we have been programmed to believe we must accept the mistreatment of others or that we cannot show others when we are hurting and in need of care. As adults, this is often no longer the case, but our early experiences may make such underlying beliefs unconsciously feel true.

A successful course of therapy helps restore a person’s emotional flexibility and empowerment so they can have greater agency in their relationships. The result can be genuinely transformative, and studies suggest people who have been through therapy show less activity in the areas of the brain responsible for creating negative emotions. Talking, it turns out, can help quite a bit when the person you are talking to is a skilled and compassionate therapist.

If you’re struggling, reach out to a therapist in your area for help.

References:

1. Bowlby, J. (2005). A secure base: Clinical applications of attachment theory (Vol. 393). UK: Taylor & Francis.

2. Cozolino, L. (2010). The neuroscience of psychotherapy: Healing the social brain. New York, NY: W.W. Norton & Company.

3. Damasio, A. R. (2006). Descartes’ error. New York, NY: Random House.

4. Grecucci, A., Theuninck, A., Frederickson, J., & Job, R. (2015). Mechanisms of social emotion regulation: From neuroscience to psychotherapy. In Emotion regulation: Processes, cognitive effects and social consequences, pp.57-84.

5. Karlsson, H. (2011). How psychotherapy changes the brain: Understanding the mechanisms. Psychiatric Times, 21.

6. Lewis, T., Amini, F., & Lannon, R. (2007). A general theory of love. New York, NY: Vintage.

7. MacLean, P. D. (1990). The triune brain in evolution: Role in paleocerebral functions. Berlin: Springer Science & Business Media.

Pleased to be a contributor in BRIDES Magazine: 10 Healthy Habits to Adopt Before Your Wedding Look and feel your best for the big day.

Elizabeth Mahaney is an approved pre-marital provider, marriage, and family therapist at South Tampa Therapy specializing in communication and the Gottman Approach with 20 years of experience. Although she’s based in Tampa, Florida, she also works virtually with clients and couples and is licensed in Florida, Maryland, Virginia, Connecticut, South Carolina, and North Carolina. She is SUPER excited to announce her contribution to a great pre-marital article about how to look and feel your best for the big day, published by Dotdash Meredith publishing in BRIDES Magazine 87 years of expert advice and inspiration, for every couple. Brides is part of the Dotdash Meredith publishing family.

Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, LPC, LCPC, CCTP, NCC, DCC, and clinical supervisor of state registered interns is honored to be included in the Dotdash Meredith family, an operating business of IAC, the largest digital and print publisher in America. From mobile to magazines, nearly 200 million people trust IAC to help them make decisions, take action, and find inspiration. Dotdash Meredith's over 50 iconic brands include BRIDES, PEOPLE, Better Homes & Gardens, Verywell, FOOD & WINE, The Spruce, Allrecipes, Byrdie, REAL SIMPLE, Investopedia, Southern Living, Care.com, iTranslate, Health, InStyle, Martha Stewart LIVING, SHAPE, TRAVEL + LEISURE, and more.

CHECK OUT THE ARTICLE:

10 Healthy Habits to Adopt Before Your Wedding

Look and feel your best for the big day. HERE

Here is an excerpt from the article.

Although planning a wedding is an exciting time in your life, there’s no doubt that it’s a time-consuming and sometimes overwhelming process. From sending out your invitations to selecting your menu, there are so many details you need to attend to. Amid all the wedding madness, it can be really easy to forget about nurturing your own health and wellbeing.

If you are need of Pre-Marital Counseling in a variety of forms: Courses, Programs, Live-Sessions, Tele-health, Zoom… You have found the right place. We will individual and create a plan based on your unique needs. (No cookie-cutter approaches here;) Reach out to ask any questions: TEXT, CALL, EMAIL.

Not to mention, burying yourself in the planning logistics without prioritizing your wellbeing may impede upon your relationship. “Many premarital couples will find their patience tested during the wedding planning process,” therapist Elizabeth Mahaney says. “When stress causes partners to feel overwhelmed and disconnected, misunderstandings happen and unintentional relationship havoc ensues.”

To avoid these common pitfalls, taking care of your health is vital. In fact, orchestrating your celebration requires even more attention on your wellbeing. Whether it’s establishing a realistic exercise routine or regularly practicing mindfulness, making positive lifestyle changes prior to your special day will make you look and feel your best.

Invest in Your Sleep Hygiene

Leading up to the wedding, sleepless nights are very common. With so many details to finalize, shutting off your mind to get some shut eye might seem impossible. Sleeping seven to nine hours a night has loads of benefits, such as decreasing stress, strengthening your immune system, improving your cognition, regulating blood sugar, and enhancing your mood, Verywell Health2 reports. 

To make sure you’re getting enough beauty sleep before the big day, focus on your sleep hygiene. “This means going to bed and waking up at the same time every day, avoiding caffeine and alcohol before bed, and keeping your bedroom dark and quiet,” Mahaney advises.

Practice Mindfulness

Whether you’re contemplating whether to hire a live band or a DJ or trying to figure out a realistic getting ready schedule, you’re probably spending a lot of time in your head leading up to the wedding. Living in your thoughts creates unnecessary stress and anxiety. Enter: mindfulness. The whole idea is developing awareness by noticing your thoughts and feelings without judgment and letting them pass. When you learn to accept whatever comes your way, you’ll feel more present and at ease, which will help you savor every moment before and during your special day. “Presence doesn’t just alter your sense of wellbeing,” Mahaney explains. “It may also improve the quality of what you do, leading to more creative flow, closer relationships, and increased productivity."

Mindfulness is a skill that you can develop over time, and you can apply the technique to any part of your day. For instance, the next time you brush your teeth, take a walk, or eat dinner, focus on your senses—what you see, smell, touch, taste, and hear. The more you practice, the more present you’ll feel in your life.

ARTICLE SOURCES

Brides takes every opportunity to use high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial guidelines to learn more about how we keep our content accurate, reliable and trustworthy.

1. Harvard Health Publishing. "How Much Water Should You Drink?" May 15, 2022.

2. Verywell Health. "10 Benefits of a Good Night's Sleep." January 1, 2022.

3. Healthline. "6 Journaling Benefits and How to Start Right Now." February 22, 2022.

4. Journal of Health and Social Behavior. "Social Relationships and Health: A Flashpoint for Health Policy." August 4, 2011.

Attachment Styles

 We all have an attachment style that becomes apparent when in a relationship. Our attachment style impacts greatly the way we interact with our partners. From the way we handle our negative emotions and handle conflict to the way we communicate our needs and seek intimacy. Often times, this attachment style is formed from the beliefs we have about ourselves, and the world formed in our childhood often times becomes the filtered lens that we see out of in our adult life.

I know, I know…you are probably thinking to yourself “every therapist wants to learn about my childhood”. There is a reason behind this! Countless studies have shown that there are similarities in the way we behave with our romantic partner as we did with our parents in our childhood. “Famous researchers James Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth independently uncovered that the way we got our needs met when we were little determines the beliefs we hold about what we deserve in love, how others should treat us, and how we should treat others in adulthood” (Benson, 2019). With this being said, this does not mean that your attachment style is solidified. It simply means that it helps to shape your attachment style.

It is biologically wired within us to form attachments. The process of forming these attachments is influenced by life experiences, caregivers when growing up, friendships and our romantic partners. There are three different attachment styles and each one has its own belief system that plays a pretty big role in the relationships we end up in.

Healthy Lovers – Secure Attachment Style

            When you have a secure attachment style, you find it easy to be close to other and feel comfortable to depend on others and being depended on. You hardly ever worry about being abandoned and have a positive outlook on yourself and others.

            Having these beliefs means that you probably are able to ask for what you need in a relationship and are comfortable asking for clarity.

You feel good enough.

Manipulative Lovers – Anxious Attachment Style

            When you have an anxious attachment style, you find it difficult to find others that want to get as close to you as you want with them. You tend to worry about whether or not your partner truly loves you and wants to stay with you.

            Having these beliefs means that you probably act in ways that reinforce these beliefs and are afraid your love will scare someone away.

            You devalue yourself.

Leave Me Alone – Avoidant Attachment Style

            When you have an avoidant attachment style, you find it uncomfortable with being in close emotional relationships. You don’t like to depend on others or have them depend on you because you have this need to feel independent.

            Having these beliefs means that you probably have an overly positive self-view and a negative outlook of others and find yourself in an unfulfilling relationship time and time again.

            You are afraid to commit.

Typically, we love to be in relationships that confirm our insecurities. What does this mean? Well, secure people usually stay in love with secure people and insecurity stays in love with insecure people. Your attachment style is not set in stone, and you can make your way to having a secure attachment style if you don’t already have it. Sure, it takes work, but it is absolutely worth it. Changing your attachment style requires a change in your beliefs about the way you see yourself and relationships. I can help you with this! A romantic partner who is secure can also help because if you spend enough time in a secure relationship, you’ll become secure yourself.

BOOK with Author of this blog post Crystin Nichols, MFTI https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/CrystinNicholsMFTI 

Benson, K. (2019, November 13). Attachment Theory Explains Why Your Relationships Fail. Kyle Benson. https://www.kylebenson.net/attachment-theory/

Nonviolent Communication for Couples~ To Strengthen Your Relationship and Help You Learn to Communicate Better

Nonviolent Communication for Couples

To Strengthen Your Relationship and Help You Learn to Communicate Better

NVC (Non-Violent Communication) is an excellent way to build strong and healthy romantic relationships.

Also called Compassionate Communication, NVC is a way to express yourself while also considering and valuing the perspective of others through respect and empathy. It helps us to understand and meet the needs of everyone. It is not about ‘winning or losing,’ blaming, judging or trying to change the other person's perspective. Instead, it is about listening to understand.

In this article, you will find several examples of Non-Violent Communication strategies for couples. By utilizing these methods, you can build an unbreakable bond with your partner and resolve conflict efficiently - making your relationship stronger in the process.

How to Apply Nonviolent Communication

The 4 steps of NVC (Nonviolent Communication), a compassionate method of communication developed by Dr Marshall Rosenburg, are as follows:

1. Observing instead of evaluating/ judging/ analyzing

2. Stating your feelings/ emotions

3. Expressing your needs/ values

4. Making a specific request for feedback/ empathy/ action to meet your need

Let's explore some examples for each of these steps!

Examples of Nonviolent Communication

1. Observing Instead of Evaluating/ Judging/ analyzing

‘Observing’ means that you simply state your direct sensory experience of what you see or hear, instead of judging or evaluating it.

Example 1:

‘You’re always late!’ would be an evaluation.

Instead, you could try saying: ‘We agreed to leave the house at 9 am, but it’s 9.30 am now.’

Stating facts instead of making sweeping generalizations can prevent you from making unfair statements. Your partner will be less likely to feel defensive, so you can have a constructive conversation instead of an argument.

Example 2:

By observing, we try to avoid making assumptions.

‘You’re not listening to me!’, would be an assumption (and an evaluation!)

An observation would be, ‘I can see that you are texting on your phone while I am speaking to you.’

Example 3:

Another aspect of observing is asking clarifying questions instead of telling your partner how they feel. This will help you to understand your partner better.

Instead of saying:

‘You’re getting angry again.’

You could say:

‘I can see that your arms are crossed, and you are clenching your jaw. Am I right in thinking you’re angry?’

Your partner might respond:

‘Yes, I am angry.’

Or they might say:

‘No, I’m not angry. I’m nervous.’

Clarifying questions help you to understand better, so you can find the best way forward for everyone.

2. Stating Your Feelings

Once you’ve made your observation, you can state your feelings. Here are three examples based on the examples discussed above.

Example 1:

‘We agreed to leave the house at 9 am, but it’s 9.30 am now. I feel anxious.’

Example 2:

‘I can see that you are texting on your phone while I am speaking to you. I feel overlooked.’

Example 3:

‘I can see that your arms are crossed, and you are clenching your jaw. I feel threatened.’

Notice that stating the feelings started with ‘I feel..’ and not ‘You are…’

The difference is subtle but powerful. The following statements would be blaming/criticizing rather than stating feelings:

• You make me feel anxious

• You’re overlooking me

• You are frightening me

By taking the ‘you’ out of it, your partner will find it much easier to hear what you have to say without going into defensive mode.

3. Expressing Your Needs

After observing what you see and stating your feeling, it’s time to express your need. Be careful, though.

What we think we need is often just a strategy we use to get what we really need.

For example:

You don’t need your partner to do the washing up every day. You might need to feel like you’re in a fair and equal partnership.

You don’t need your partner to come with you on a walk. You might need to feel a sense of companionship.

So, find the need within your need. You might be surprised by the solutions you uncover!

Here some examples to help you understand how to express your needs:

Example 1:

‘We agreed to leave the house at 9 am, but it’s 9.30 am now. I feel anxious. It’s important to me to support my sister. so I want to arrive in time to help out.’

Example 2:

‘I can see that you are texting on your phone while I am speaking to you. I feel overlooked, and I need to share my experience with someone.’

Example 3:

‘I can see that your arms are crossed, and you are clenching your jaw. I feel threatened, and I need to feel safe.’

4. Making A Request

Finally, it’s time to make a request.

(Remember, it’s a request, not a demand!)

It can be helpful to use the phrase: ‘Would you be willing to…’. Try to avoid words like ‘should,’ ‘must,’ or ‘ought to.’

Example 1:

‘We agreed to leave the house at 9 am, but it’s 9.30 am now. I feel anxious. It’s important to me to support my sister, so I want to arrive in time to help out. Would you be willing to finish weeding the garden later on so we can leave as soon as possible?’

Example 2:

‘I can see that you are texting on your phone while I am speaking to you. I feel overlooked, and I need to share this with someone. Would you be willing to put your phone away for the next 10 minutes and hear what I have to say?’

Example 3:

‘I can see that your arms are crossed, and you are clenching your jaw. I feel threatened, and I need to feel safe. Would you be willing to continue this conversation at a different time when we are both feeling calmer?’

It takes practice to communicate like this, and it will probably feel quite weird at first. That’s totally normal! With time, you will find it more accessible, and you might be pleasantly surprised how much stronger your relationship gets.

More Aspects to Non-Violent Communication

What I have described above is a Non Violent Communication tool. But there are so many more aspects to NVC as follows.

1. Listening

NVC is about listening to understand rather than just respond.

It means that we aren’t rehearsing what we will say or thinking about advice or solutions that we are going to offer.

We just listen, completely.

2. There are no Winners and Losers

Compassionate communication forgets about the idea of trying to win. Instead, we try to understand.

This means approaching every conservation (even the hard ones!) with an open mind. Be prepared to have your perception changed, and don’t assume you already know the best way to do or see something.

It’s not about deciding who is ‘right’ and who is ‘wrong.’ With NVC, we try to increase empathy and understanding and find solutions together. We aren’t trying to change anyone, put anyone down, or prove anything.

3. Positive Body Language

Communication goes far deeper than the words we say.

NVC encourages us to consider our body language. Eye rolling, head tossing, or making faces can all break down trust and empathy.

We try to be careful about how we physically react to the other person, allowing them to feel heard and respected.

What to do when nonviolent communication goes wrong?

Compassionate communication takes practice, so don’t worry if you don’t get it perfect all the time. The fact that you are trying to change your communication style means you have already made a significant step on the journey!

I’ve been trying my best to practice NVC with my husband for years, but I still slip into old habits.

For example, I came home from walking the dog last week, and I saw that my husband hadn’t done the washing-up that he had promised to do.

Without thinking, I said: ‘Seriously!? Why do you never help me with the washing up!?’

I should have said:

‘I see that the washing up still hasn’t been done, and I feel frustrated. I need help with the housework because I don’t have time to do it all on my own, and it’s important to me to live in a clean space. Would you be willing to help me by washing the dishes?’

Don’t be too hard on yourself if you slip up. We are only human, and it’s normal for our emotions to take over and push us into ‘reactivity’ mode.

Just apologize and correct yourself.

After my dish-washing attack on my husband, I took a deep breath and said.

‘I’m sorry. I appreciate that was an unhelpful way to talk to you about my needs. I didn’t mean to attack you, I was feeling upset, but I was wrong to lash out. Let me try that again!’

And then I said what I should have said to start with.

(Luckily, my husband is far better at NVC than I am. He just smiled and welcomed me to give it another go!)

Final Thoughts

To practice Non-Violent Communication, you have to forget about the idea of a ‘winner’ and a ‘loser’, or who is ‘right’ and who is ‘wrong.’ Instead of trying to dominate or change the other person, you aim to express your deepest needs in a way that is constructive and helpful.

You should also listen attentively, without planning your response or rushing to give advice.

It may need some practice, but Compassionate Communication can help us to build solid and long-lasting relationships where everyone feels respected and heard.

Narcissistic Abuse: Tips for Recognizing and Recovering

When I bring up the word “Abuse” with my clients I notice they are prone to discount their experience because they don’t’ see their situation as being “real abuse.” Abuse is a spectrum, and the word doesn’t do justice to describe the many forms of subtle and overt abusive behaviors and toxic relational dynamics. Narcissistic abuse is a very real form of abuse. The power and control dynamics might not include physical or sexual violence, although they can, but the psychological, emotional, interpersonal, and spiritual effects devastate individuals who find themselves trapped in the narcissistic abuse cycle. This post intends to do two things: 

1. Describe the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse to help those suffering recognize they are not “crazy.” This is a definable pattern that many others are experiencing.

2. Provide some practical tools and tips to cope and eventually recover from said abuse.

The narcissistic abuse cycle can be defined as a “pattern of highs and lows in which the narcissist confuses their partner through manipulation and calculated behaviors aimed at making their partner question themselves” (Hammond, 2015). I want to make it clear that your partner does not have to have an official diagnosis of “narcissist” for your situation to be a valid case of narcissistic abuse. Media and pop culture usually only portray the most extreme examples of narcissism thus exacerbating the problem and preventing victims from getting help. 

The cycle involves three phases that work in tandem with each other. 

The first stage is Idealization. 

This is the stage where your partner makes you feel like the most special person in the world. The term “love bombing” comes to mind. You might feel as if you’ve never been loved or adored for like this before. The pursuer will become vigilant in giving attention to you and will shower their “target” with gifts, compliments, and promises. 

The idealization phase may include: 

• Love-bombing

• A lot of attention given to partner

• Grandiose gestures

• Elaborate gifts and dates

• Discussing marriage

• Lack of boundaries

• Attempts to isolate partner in the name of love

• Quickly moving into intimacy

• Creates a sense of ownership of partner and the relationship (Hammond, 2015).

The second phase is devaluation.

During this stage, you might start to notice your partner acting one way with you and one way in public which makes it hard to understand which person they really are. If you express concern, you might be labeled as “jealous” or “needy” or a “nag,” The disillusionment at this stage makes some cling harder to the memory of when things were ideal. You might have an intuitive feeling that something is wrong but because of the hot and cold nature of their affection for a time, it is easier to push that voice down. A huge red flag is that you begin to doubt yourself. You begin to see the real person for who they are, and you notice more incongruency in their behavior. This is where the abuse really starts to hurt and many start to exhibit anxiety, depression, obsessive thoughts, develop a trauma bond, amongst other symptoms. Visit this resource to learn more. This is where people get trapped because they are so beaten down and confused, it seems easier to just stay for fear of what might happen or what threats might be made.  

The devaluation phase might include:  

• Attempting to change their partner

• Increasing criticism and insults

• Gaslighting

• Physical threats

• Poor communication

• Increased violation of boundaries

• Triangulation

• More isolation or control over their partner

• Withholding physical, emotional, and sexual intimacy (Hammond, 2015).

Finally, the third phase is rejection. 

In this phase, the narcissistic partner rejects their partner and essentially places complete blame of the downfall of the relationship on their partner. In healthy relationships conflicts and disagreements are navigated with patience, grace, and the use of helpful problem solving skills. In narcissistic abuse relationships, there are no compromises. It is if the victimized partner doesn’t even exist, and they begin to lose any power or autonomy. Sometimes the cycle repeats itself over and over. Sometimes, once the phases are complete, the abuser become disinterested and finds another partner to begin another cycle with. 

The rejection phase may include: 

• Feelings of contempt and rage

• Betraying the relationship

• Invalidating their partner’s emotions and placing all the blame on them

• Playing the victim

• Physical, emotional, and verbal abuse

• Ending the relationship permanently or temporarily with attempts to continue this cycle of abuse (Hammond, 2015).

Now that I have described, briefly, common signs and symptoms of the narcissistic abuse, I will provide some tips for coping. At the end of the article, I have provided additional resources for you to begin your journey to safety and recovery. 

1. Label the Abuse

Once you recognize the abuse and have educated yourself about it labeling it is a vital step towards healing. Consider communicating what you are learning out loud to a trusted person.  

2. End the relationship if you haven’t already done that.

Get in touch with a trusted person, a professional, or your family to create a safety plan if necessary before you leave. 

3. Set Clear and Specific Boundaries

Setting clear boundaries requires discipline but it is vital to protect you from getting manipulated or tricked again. If you share children with your ex-partner and must make contact, make sure you have clear boundaries and a safety plan.  

4. Seek Support

The resources attached to this blog are a great way to find support during this hard time. Additionally, reaching out to a therapist will help you tell your side of the story, be validated, and learn how to grief. A therapist can support you in creating new patterns of living and implement new coping skills. 

5. Rediscover Yourself

In many cases, the abusive relationship has taken over your mind, emotions, physical health, and schedule. Once you are ready it is important you take the time to rediscover who you are, what you want, what you like, what you enjoy, what you need, and how you want to see yourself. This can seem daunting but there is not rush. Rediscovering ourselves is a life long process and we change throughout life. The key is that you recognize you have been deprived of your voice and allow yourself to rediscover it. 

There is no way I can describe all that narcissistic abuse is and how to recover in this short blog but my hope for you is that you feel validated and affirmed if you or someone you know is suffering or trapped in this cycle. There is hope, people can leave their partner, grief the loss, and heal. If you are unsure if you want to start therapy as a part of your healing, I offer free consultations and it would be a pleasure to hear your story and get to know you!

By Shaundra McGuire, MFTI Book With Shaundra: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ShaundraMcguireMFTI

Additional Resources: 

Stages of Narcissistic Abuse - Narcissist Abuse Support

https://narcissisticabusevictims.org/

You Are Not Alone - Educate Yourself - Find Support - Get Healed - Find Peace Again - Narcissist Abuse Support

What is the Gottman Method for Couples, Relationships, and Families?

What is the Gottman Approach to therapy and counseling? 

I’ll explain~

I absolutely love the Gottman’s therapeutic approach! There is so much that can be said about this method. If you have never heard about this couple’s approach in therapy, then let me give you a little bit of insight. The Gottman Method aims "to disarm conflicting verbal communication; increase intimacy, respect, and affection; remove barriers that create a feeling of stagnancy, and create a heightened sense of empathy and understanding within the context of the relationship." Interventions used in the Gottman Method are research-based and grounded in the Sound Relationship House theory, which specifies nine elements of a healthy relationship. Imagine a house with seven floors and two weight bearing walls.

Floor 1 - Build Love Maps.

Love maps are important because the whole relationship begins on the firm foundation of truly knowing one another. Each partner knows the ins and outs of their partner. In an ideal relationship, you and your partner know one another better than anyone else.

Floor 2 – Share Fondness and Admiration.

We all love to hear something nice about ourselves, right? This is a need, and it means the most when it comes from your loved one. Vocalizing your admiration for one another and being able to articulate the big and little reasons you love each other is huge!

Floor 3 – Turn Towards.

When you need attention, support, and comfort from your partner, you more than likely say or do something to elicit a response from your partner. This what is referred to as a “bid”. When your partner replies with what you need, this is them turning toward. Turning away from one another, or AGAINST each other is asking for trouble. Turning away disrupts the safe space you both need to express yourselves and needs.

Floor 4 – The Positive Perspective.

Your outlook on life and on your relationship is shaped so much by your perspectives and cognitions. When in a healthy relationship, couples see the best in each other and don’t jump to conclusions filled with judgement and criticism if one partner forgets to pick up their socks or give you a kiss goodbye. Truly believing you both are on the same team strengthens the relationship from inside out.

Floor 5 – Manage Conflict.

Conflict is going to happen! It’s inevitable but knowing what to do when it presents itself is key. You need to accept partner’s influence, communicate about the conflict, and be able to self-soothe.

Floor 6 – Make Life Dreams Come True.

Healthy relationships involve having a partner in life who encourages and helps you reach your goals. Making each other’s life dreams come true shows your partner that you want the best possible life for them and are willing to do what it takes to make that dream happen.

Floor 7 – Create Shared Meaning.

Congratulations, you have reached the top floor. This is where you build and understand an inner world as a COUPLE. The Gottman’s believe that developing your own culture of symbols and rituals is what expresses WHO you are as a TEAM. It continues to deepen your connection together. These are referred to as Rituals of Connection and they define you as a unit. The best part of this is that you create them together.

Weight Bearing Walls – Trust and Commitment. Without trust and commitment, the 7 floors can’t hold together, and it will fall apart.

In a healthy and supportive relationship, the partners are CHOOSING to have faith in one another and to be committed to each other. There is no force, and you are freely loving one another and pledging to help that love grow.

 

Author: Crystin Nichols, MFTI

Book With Me: https://southtampatherapybookappt.as.me/CrystinNicholsMFTI

Resources

1. About The Gottman Method. The Gottman Institute. 2021.

2. What is The Sound Relationship House? The Gottman Institute. 2022.