How to navigate the transition from the 20s to the 30s

This month Supervised Therapist Kaitlin Lowey was featured on WFLA’s Bloom. She provided tips on how to navigate the life stage transition many people undergo during their 30s. You can watch the full segment here. Below is a summary of the clip.

20’s are a time of self-discovery and paving your life path, but as many reach their 30’s, that transitions into getting married, having kids, and leaving a legacy.

Mental Health Counseling Professional, Kaitlin Lowey, from South Tampa Therapy joined Gayle Guyardo, the host of the global health and wellness show, Bloom, to share more about transitioning into your 30’s.

Typically at some point in their 30s, individuals move into the middle adulthood stage of their lives. Between ages 18 and up to age 40 in some cases, people work through what famous psychologist Erik Erikson called the intimacy versus isolation stage, which is about finding and forming fulfilling romantic relationships and friendships. This stage can be completed at different times for different people, but the main task associated with intimacy versus isolation is forming close, enduring relationships. 

Erikson called the stage after this generativity versus stagnation, and it’s all about developing a sense of purpose, caring for others, and contributing to the world. In this stage, individuals – having developed strong relationships with others – may focus on their work, raising families, or contributing to their community. While Erikson generally felt this stage should start by age 40, many people begin to shift their focus on these contribution-focused tasks earlier, often in their 30s. 

So, how does one successfully complete the task of learning how to care and contribute to the world in a way that brings them meaning during this phase of life?

1. Developing a sense of purpose: In Erikson's stage of generativity versus stagnation, individuals must find meaning and purpose in their lives beyond their own personal needs and desires. To successfully navigate this transition from intimacy versus isolation, individuals must begin to explore and cultivate their own sense of purpose. This could involve pursuing career goals, volunteering for a cause they care about, or developing a hobby or passion that provides a sense of fulfillment and purpose.

2. Building and maintaining relationships: Intimacy versus isolation is all about developing close relationships with others, and this remains important in generativity versus stagnation. However, the focus shifts from romantic partnerships and friendships to broader social connections, such as their community. To navigate this transition successfully, individuals must continue to invest in their relationships and develop new ones, while also learning to balance their own needs with the needs of others.

3. Leaving a legacy: In Erikson's stage of generativity versus stagnation, individuals must begin to think about the mark they will leave on the world. This could involve having children and raising them well, contributing to their community in meaningful ways, or leaving behind a creative or intellectual legacy. Individuals must begin to think about their impact on the world and take actions that align with their values and goals. This may involve taking risks, trying new things, and stepping outside of their comfort zone in order to make a meaningful contribution to the world around them.

Counseling top tip: Identify your values

One powerful exercise you can do to ensure you are spending their time on meaningful, generative, and purposeful activities during this stage is to identify your values. In order to complete the exercise, find a list of values (there are several values lists online as well as values card decks for purchase). Sort the values into 3 piles: very important to me, kind of important to me, and not important to me. Then, select your top 5 values from the very important to me pile. Map your activities onto these values to determine how closely what you are spending your time on aligns with these values. This enables you to make a better-informed decision about living with intention during the middle adulthood years. Just think: 30 years from now, you’ll be able to look back on this time of your life and know you made the most of it!

What is Emotionally Focused Therapy?

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a type of therapy that focuses on helping couples understand and manage their emotions in order to improve their relationship. EFT has been found to be particularly effective in helping couples who are struggling with issues such as communication, intimacy, and trust. In this blog post, we will explore how EFT works and the impact it can have on a relationship.

How EFT Works
EFT is based on the idea that emotions are the foundation of all human relationships. According to EFT, negative emotions such as fear, anger, and sadness can lead to conflict and disconnection in a relationship. The goal of EFT is to help couples identify and manage these negative emotions in order to create a more secure and loving relationship.
In EFT, couples work with a therapist to identify the patterns of behavior that are causing conflict in their relationship. The therapist then helps the couple to explore the emotions that are driving these patterns of behavior. This often involves identifying the primary emotions that are underlying more negative emotions such as anger or frustration.
Once the couple has identified the underlying emotions, the therapist works with them to develop new patterns of behavior that are more in line with their emotional needs. This can involve learning new communication skills, expressing emotions in a healthier way, and developing a deeper understanding of each other's emotional needs.

The Impact of EFT on Relationships
Research has shown that EFT can be highly effective in helping couples improve their relationship. Studies have found that EFT can lead to significant improvements in communication, intimacy, and overall relationship satisfaction.
One study published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy found that couples who participated in EFT had significantly higher levels of relationship satisfaction and lower levels of depression and anxiety compared to couples who received traditional couples therapy. Another study published in the Journal of Counseling Psychology found that EFT was effective in improving communication and reducing relationship distress among couples.
EFT can also have long-lasting benefits for couples. A study published in the Journal of Family Therapy found that couples who participated in EFT had lower rates of divorce and higher levels of relationship satisfaction two years after completing therapy compared to couples who received other forms of therapy.
Overall, EFT is a powerful tool for couples who are looking to improve their relationship. By helping couples understand and manage their emotions, EFT can help couples develop a deeper and more secure connection with each other. If you and your partner are struggling with relationship issues, EFT may be a valuable resource to help you find a path towards healing and greater connection.

Author: Crystin Nichols, MFTI

Attunement Helps Love and Intimacy Last

A Key Ingredient to Lasting Love and Intimacy

When two people come together in a romantic relationship, there are countless factors that contribute to their success or failure. However, one of the most important elements of a healthy, happy partnership is attunement. Attunement is the ability to be fully present with your partner, to understand and respond to their emotional needs, and to create a deep sense of intimacy and connection.

In this blog post, we'll explore what attunement means, why it's so critical to a couple's relationship, and how you can cultivate it in your own partnership.

What is Attunement?

At its core, attunement is the ability to tune in to your partner's emotions and needs, and respond in a way that demonstrates understanding, empathy, and support. It involves being fully present in the moment, listening actively, and paying close attention to nonverbal cues like body language and tone of voice.

Attunement requires a high degree of emotional intelligence and self-awareness, as well as a willingness to prioritize your partner's needs and feelings over your own. When two partners are attuned to each other, they are able to create a deep sense of connection and intimacy that can weather the challenges of life and strengthen their bond over time.

Why is Attunement Important in a Couple's Relationship?

Attunement is critical to a couple's relationship for a number of reasons. First and foremost, it allows partners to feel seen, heard, and understood by each other. This is essential for building trust, emotional safety, and a sense of security in the relationship.
When partners are attuned to each other, they are better able to navigate the inevitable conflicts and challenges that arise in any long-term partnership. They are able to communicate effectively, manage their emotions in a healthy way, and work together as a team to overcome obstacles.

Attunement also plays a key role in creating a satisfying and fulfilling sexual connection. When partners are attuned to each other's needs and desires, they are better able to communicate about sex and explore each other's bodies in a way that feels safe, respectful, and pleasurable.

How Can You Cultivate Attunement in Your Relationship?

While attunement is a natural and intuitive part of some relationships, it can also be cultivated and strengthened over time. Here are some tips for building attunement in your own partnership:

1. Practice active listening. When your partner is speaking, give them your full attention. Put down your phone, make eye contact, and ask questions to show that you're engaged and interested.

2. Pay attention to nonverbal cues. Sometimes, what your partner isn't saying is just as important as what they are saying. Pay attention to body language, tone of voice, and other nonverbal cues to get a better sense of how they're feeling.

3. Practice empathy. Try to put yourself in your partner's shoes and imagine how they might be feeling. Validate their emotions and offer words of support and encouragement.

4. Make time for quality time. Attunement requires presence and connection, so make sure to set aside dedicated time to spend with your partner without distractions or interruptions.

5. Practice self-awareness. In order to attune to your partner, you need to be aware of your own emotions and needs. Take time to check in with yourself and understand how you're feeling before trying to connect with your partner.

Attunement is a key ingredient in any successful and fulfilling relationship. By prioritizing your partner's emotions and needs, practicing active listening, and cultivating empathy and self-awareness, you can build a deep sense of intimacy and connection that will sustain your partnership for years to come.

Author: Crystin Nichols
Book Appointment: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/CrystinNicholsMFTI

Can Gottman Couples Therapy Help Your Relationship Improve?

If you are facing relationship struggles, Gottman Couples Therapy can provide you and your partner with the support you need to work through your problems. This approach to couple’s therapy is based on over 40 years of research conducted by Dr. John Gottman and his wife Dr. Julie Gottman.

The main goal of Gottman Couples Therapy is to help couples strengthen their relationships by improving communication, enhancing love, and building trust. The therapy process focuses on evidence-based interventions that have been shown to be effective in strengthening relationships.

One of the key elements of this therapy is the concept of “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” which refers to four negative communication patterns: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These patterns can be some of the most significant predictors of relationship breakdown. During the therapy sessions, the couples learn to recognize and avoid these patterns, which helps them to communicate more effectively.

Another essential component of Gottman Couples Therapy is the “Love Maps” exercise. This exercise involves creating a detailed understanding of each other’s inner worlds, including dreams, hopes, and fears. By building these Love Maps, couples can stay connected and understand each other better.

In addition, Gottman Couples Therapy helps couples to develop conflict management skills. During the therapy sessions, couples learn how to navigate argument and disagreements by expressing their own needs while also listening to their partner's feelings and concerns.

Gottman Couples Therapy also emphasizes the importance of reinforcing positive behavior. Couples are encouraged to express appreciation, admiration, and affection towards one another regularly. This allows the couple to build and maintain a strong foundation of love and positivity.

Overall, Gottman Couples Therapy is an evidence-based approach to counseling that can help couples work through various relationship challenges. By focusing on improved communication, increased trust, and building stronger emotional connections, couples can learn ways to enhance their relationship and increase their overall happiness.

How to move through anxiety and say yes to new opportunities

Last month Supervised Therapist Kaitlin Lowey was featured on WFLA’s Bloom. She provided tips on how to say yes to new opportunities that may seem scary due to being unfamiliar. You can watch the full segment here. Below is a summary of the clip.

https://www.wfla.com/video/saying-yes/8412957/

Saying yes to new opportunities can feel uncomfortable. This makes sense because our bodies and brains are physiologically wired to protect us from possible dangers.  So, when we encounter a situation that is unfamiliar, such as a possible date or a job interview, we have a physiological response. We become hyper-aware of things that could go wrong and may start entering fight, flight, or freeze mode. Recognizing that this is the body’s natural response is helpful in itself because it reduces shame and normalizes the experience. We come to understand that this uncomfortable bodily response stems from our need for safety. 

The key is to actually lean into that discomfort when new opportunities to say yes arise. Invite that discomfort in, and get curious about what’s coming up for you without judgment. Tuning in with what’s happening internally in real time – identifying the physiological reactions, thoughts, and feelings you’re having –  ultimately enables you to consciously respond instead of react. Here are a few ideas on how to move through the discomfort to get to yes:

• Name and accept your emotions. It sounds counter-intuitive, but accepting and naming the emotions you’re having can actually reduce their intensity. It gives you a sense of control that was lacking before. It’s important to view emotions as experiences versus defining who you are. There is a difference between thinking, “I am anxious,” and, “I am experiencing feelings of anxiety.” 

• Identify your thoughts and challenge them. Ask yourself, what fears do I have about this opportunity? What evidence is there for these fears? Is there something I can do to address my fears, like getting more information or putting a safeguard in place?  What’s the worst that could happen, and would I be ok if it did? Often the fear of something is worse than the reality. And, if it really does present too great of a risk, then don’t hesitate to say no. 

• Recognize the needs this opportunity fills and any competing needs. As you identify your thoughts and feelings, you can start to recognize the needs the opportunity will fill, such as autonomy, exploration, or connection. Often, the human need for safety can be at odds with the need the new opportunity presents. The key is to give space to both competing needs and identify ways you can feel safe enough to move forward. 

• Physiologically calm your body. Grounding and mindfulness tools, like box breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, movement, and yoga postures can help you get out of your head and into the present moment. You can come back to these coping skills whenever you need them. 

• Reframe your anxiety as excitement. The body actually has difficulty differentiating between these two emotions, and it’s amazing what this shift in perspective can do.

• Imagine the best-case scenario. Actively direct your focus to the thoughts and feelings you’ll have if everything works out the way you hope. It’s easy to think, “What if it doesn’t work out,” but don’t forget to ask yourself, “What if it does?” Remind yourself of past times when you felt the fear and took the risk anyway, and cultivate that feeling of pride. 

Remember, growth doesn’t happen in comfortable spaces – and a certain level of stress when taking a risk can actually be useful in keeping you moving forward. Saying yes to new things can be hard – but we can do hard things. Even if it doesn’t work out, it’s not a failure. We learn from our experiences, and it’s really just information that we can use moving ahead in our journey. Having the courage to try is a form of success in itself. 

To Book with Kaitlin Lowey: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/KaitlinLowey

How to cultivate a positive mindset for active aging

Last month Supervised Therapist Kaitlin Lowey was featured on WFLA TV’s Bloom. She dispelled stereotypes about aging and provided tips on how to foster a positive mindset and stay active as we age. You can view the full segment here. Below is a summary of the clip. 

https://www.wfla.com/video/mindset-active-aging/8430170/

Exercising our minds and bodies, staying socially connected, and living with purpose are all connected to longer, more fulfilling lives as we age and reach retirement age. But given the stereotypes about aging that pervade Western cultures, it can be difficult to overcome doubts about staying active, healthy, and engaged as we get older. 

So, how do we cultivate a positive mindset for active aging? 

• Reject the stereotypes about aging

• There are a lot of misconceptions about aging in America – false ideas like as people age, they are doomed to poor health, cognitive decline, and general decline in life satisfaction. These are myths. (And as part of a generation with parents entering this phase of life, I’m passionate about dispelling these myths.) 

• The truth is that subjective well-being increases with age, and we see a jump in subjective well-being around age 50, and this persists until the very oldest stage of life. 

• Why? One explanation is that as we age we become more emotionally stable. We’re better able to handle stress and weather storms with hard-earned wisdom. 

• Another reason may be that, contrary to the myth that older adults become more set in their ways, older adults actually report more openness to the future. 

• In addition, older adults report more satisfaction in their social relationships. 

• And finally, as we age we care less and less about what people think! There is freedom in this. 

• All of this is important to remember because a 2022 study from Harvard revealed that people with more positive attitudes about getting older tend to live longer and healthier lives than those with negative perceptions. 

• Be intentional about connecting to purpose and people 

• Having a purpose gives our lives meaning. We spend so much time planning for retirement, that it’s easy to forget to plan the retirement itself! Consider the legacy you want to leave behind in this new chapter. Is the purpose of this chapter to teach others, spend more time connecting with loved ones, building a new skill you’ve always wanted to try? There are so many exciting possibilities for projects that align with your values. 

• Post-retirement years are also a great time to join a club and get involved in a community organization. 

• Make a plan for exercise 

• Research shows that exercising regularly has immense physical, emotional, and cognitive benefits – especially in our older years. But we’re not always motivated to do it. The key is to make a plan for when you’ll exercise and also make a plan for how you’ll respond if you don’t feel like it.

• For instance, you could tell yourself you’ll just try exercising for a few minutes and see how it goes. Chances are, you’ll find the motivation to do more. You can also take a moment to envision all the benefits you will get from exercising to create the kinds of positive feelings that then lead to motivation. 

• Another great way to stay motivated is by recruiting your friends and family members to exercise with you or help keep each other accountable.  

• Finally, fit activity into your lifestyle. Take the stairs. Park in the back of the parking lot. Take the dog for a long walk. These small moments of activity add up. 

• Cultivate gratitude, openness, and curiosity

• Research shows that the number one factor happy people have in common is gratitude. Actively noticing and being thankful for the small things in life can give you the boost you need to maintain a positive mindset.

• Make use of that openness you’re experiencing. Lean into it. Get curious about what’s out there waiting for you in your retirement years. Who knows if you’re the next budding photographer, master’s high jumper, or champion pickleball player.

To Book with Kaitlin Lowey: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/KaitlinLowey

Recommended Resources (I will continually add more information as I discover amazing & insightful tools)

Marriage and Family Information

Member of International Association of Marriage and Family Counselors (IAMFC): https://www.iamfc.org/leadership.html

A Language of Life (BEST LIFE CHANGING BOOK!)

Being Genuine Stop Being Nice, Start Being Real

Nonviolent Communication™ Skills in Intimate Relationships

Internal Family Systems Videos: https://ifs-institute.com/resources/videos

Internal Family Systems Podcasts: https://ifs-institute.com/resources/podcasts-and-teleconferences

Aging and Dignity

Age Wave (I loved reading Radical Curiosity!)

Dementia Together How to Communicate to Connect

Member of: Dementia Care International

Gentle Power

Anger Resources

What’s Making You Angry? 10 Steps to Transforming Anger So Everyone Wins.

The Surprising Purpose of Anger

Compassionate Communication for Kids & Teens

Non-Violent Communication for Kids

Compassionate Communication and Conflict Resolution Information

Member of : (NVC) The Center for Non-Violent Communication

Non-Violent Communication Instruction Guide

Free Resources to Learn the Powerful Skills of Nonviolent Communication (NVC)

Compassionate Education

Compassionate Educator

Co-Parenting

The Battle of Parenting Styles: How to Keep Your Compassion When You and Your Ex Have Very Different Parenting Styles

Co-Parenting: A Commitment of Love

Mental Health Information

Member of American Counselors Association (ACA): https://www.counseling.org/

National Alliance on Mental Illness

Parenting

Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids

Free Compassionate Parenting Weekly NVC Tips Series

Compassionate Connection: Nonviolent Communication with Children

Getting Past the Parenting "Shoulds” Compassionate Parenting Starts With Self-Acceptance

Giraffe Talk for Parents Simple Ideas to Transform Coercive Communication Into Compassionate Connection

The Heart of Parenting

Make Your Home a No-Fault Zone

Parenting without Obedience; A Preliminary Guide to Intergenerational Collaboration

Transforming Children’s Anger: How Empathic Connection Can Reduce Sibling Rivalry and Family Conflicts

What You Live is What They Learn

Who Are You and What Have You Done With My Child? 5 Steps to Reclaim Communication and Trust During the Pre-Teen and Teen Years

Bedtime Wars – Parenting Advice by Marshall Rosenberg

Workplace Communication Tips

Workplace NVC

Poly/Alternative Family Support

Loving More

More Than Two​

Polyamory Society

SEX AND SEXUALITY INFORMATION

Advocates for Youth

Member of: (ASHA) American Sexual Health Association

Social Change

Connecting Across Differences Finding Common Ground with Anyone, Anywhere, Anytime

The Heart of Social Change How to Make a Difference in Your World.

Trauma

Adrenal Fatigue Solution
Several articles on healing from adrenal fatigue.

Addiction Unplugged: How to be Free
In his life work, and now in this succinct and elegant book, John Flaherty brings us home to who we really are, the pure self underneath our beliefs, emotions, behaviours and addictions. In that authentic and powerful place we find liberation.

Alberta Family Wellness
Comprehensive, science-based and humane resource on child development and the causes and treatment of human dysfunction; sponsored by the Norlien Foundation, a pioneering Calgary-based philanthropy that supports the research and practice of childhood and adult wellness. Watch this new video on How Brains are Built.

The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study
Dr. Maté cites this seminal study extensively in In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts. It demonstrates conclusively the link between acute stresses in childhood and later health problems, including addiction.

A.H. Almaas
A contemporary spiritual teacher whose “Diamond Approach” is a holistic method of realizing wholeness through direct encounter with one’s inner Essence, or true self. Almaas brilliantly combines Eastern spiritual wisdom and Western depth psychology. Dr. Maté considers him one of his most important mentors.

Attachment & Trauma Network
A network that provides advocacy, support and education and about the most important dynamic in child development: the attachment relationship with adults. An especially important resource for people working with kids who have experienced trauma.

The Canadian Institute of Stress
Founded in 1979 by the pioneering stress researcher Dr. Hans Selye, the CIS runs educational programs about stress for institutions and companies, and offers stress assessment and counseling for individuals.

The Continuum Concept
A powerful attachment-based parenting approach.

TJ Dawe — Writer/Performer/Director
TJ is a prolific and brilliant monologist, a true luminary of the Fringe Festival circuit who has won multiple awards for his virtuoso one-man shows. In 2010 he toured with his delightful show Lucky 9, about three disparate cultural works that altered his life: the Enneagram personality model, HBO’s The Wire, and… (wait for it) …the books of Gabor Maté, M.D. . I had the pleasure of appearing recently on his Totem Figures podcast, a conversation you can listen to here.

Democracy Now!
A progressive news and public affairs program broadcast Monday to Friday online and on the Pacifica Radio Network. Unlike so much of the corporate-owned mainstream media, Amy Goodman and her team examine the news from the perspective of those most adversely affected — and stressed — by global events and domestic policy, including the poor, disadvantaged and marginalized, and those living in war-torn areas.

eMentalHeath.ca
A Canada-wide compendium of helpful services listed by Ottawa-based child psychiatrist Dr. Michael Chang.

Enlightenment Intensives with Murray Kennedy
Dr. Maté highly recommends these guided contemplation retreats, offered at regular intervals near Vancouver, BC.

Essential Inquiry
Enlightenment Intensives offered on Vancouver Island and other locations.

Hand In Hand Parenting
Useful, practical, heart-based, attachment-friendly information on parenting.

The Healing Journey Program
Based out of the Ontario Cancer Institute at Princess Margaret Hospital in Toronto, Ontario, a program developed by Dr. Alastair J. Cunningham, a world-renowned research in psycho-oncology and himself a cancer survivor. Dr. Cunningham’s holistic approach incorporates the psychological and spiritual dimensions of disease and healing, rooted in an understanding of mind-body unity such as I advocate in all my books, particularly When the Body Says No. The website includes links to audio, video, and workbook versions of The Healing Journey program.

The Haven
Located on beautiful Gabriola Island, BC, this centre offers a wide array of residential programs for personal and professional development.

Hollyhock
An idyllic retreat and seminar centre located on Cortes Island, BC, with a diverse and excellent offering of programs promoting healing, wellness, and self-discovery.

KidCare Canada Society

The Landmark Forum
A powerful and effective weekend course in personal growth and transformation, available internationally. Dr. Maté can attest to the program’s efficacy in empowering people to dissolve old patterns, hidden beliefs and ways of being, and in creating richer and more fulfilling lives and relationships, is unparalleled.

Dr. Bruce Lipton
Insightful and illuminating research on “The Biology of Belief”.

Daniel Maté
An award-winning composer and lyricist for musical theatre based in New York City, and Dr. Maté’s eldest son. Daniel helped edit In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts and lent his voice talents to the audiobook version.

Rae Maté — Artist
Rae’s artwork was featured on the covers of the Canadian versions of my first two books. Even if she weren’t Dr. Maté’s wife and life partner of 40+ years, he’d still be a huge fan of her wonderful, whimsical, soulful paintings and illustrations.

Online Colleges – Mental Health resources for students

Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D. / The Neufeld Institute
Dr. Maté’s co-author on Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers. As a thinker, lecturer and clinician who has devoted his life to helping parents and professionals “make sense of kids”, Gordon is, quite simply, peerless. His work eschews trendy and simplistic parenting “techniques”, emphasizing instead the centrality of attachment relationships and awakening parents’ natural instincts.

Playful Parenting

Practical Recovery

Recovery Nation
A very helpful website promoting a health-based program for recovery from sexual and other behavioral addictions.

SMART Recovery: Self Help for Alcoholism and Addiction

Dr. Dan Siegel
A pioneering UCLA psychiatrist who emphasizes the importance of attachment relationships for brain development. Recently he has also explored the transformative and healing power of mindfulness. Dr. Maté highly recommend his books, which include The Developing Mind and The Mindful Brain, as well as his CD lectures, such as The Neurobiology of We, on interpersonal neurobiology.

Eckhart Tolle
A contemporary spiritual teacher whose work on presence and “the power of Now” Dr. Maté has come to value highly.

Touch the Future
An excellent parenting resource website which understands that “continuing child development depends on adult development.” In particular, Dr. Maté recommends the “Play” and “Bonding and the Brain” sections.

Tribal Theory
Tribal Theory helps professionals, working on an ongoing basis with victims of trauma, to understand the impact of emotional trauma in order to provide a foundation for post-traumatic growth of individuals and community.

What Disturbs Our Blood: A Son’s Quest to Redeem the Past
This memoir by Toronto writer James FitzGerald is a powerfully written, emotionally authentic and intellectually satisfying account of multi-generational mental illness in a prominent Canadian medical family. It is not an easy read, but a gripping one due to the writerly skill and unflinching honesty of the author, and his commitment to uncovering dark family secrets hidden behind blue blood respectability and high professional achievement.

More Resources

Books:

• The Person of the Therapist Training Model: Mastering the Use of Self, Edited by Harry J. Aponte and Karni Kissil (Routledge)

• No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz

• A Fierce Heart: Finding Strength, Courage, and Wisdom in Any Moment by Spring Washam

• Decolonizing Trauma Work: Indigenous Stories and Strategies by Renee Linklater

• Finding Latinx: In Search of Voices Redefining Latino Identity by Paola Ramos

• Emergent Strategy: Shaping Change, Changing Worlds by Adrienne Maree Brown

• Deep Denial: The Persistence of White Supremacy in United States History and Life by David Billings

• Promoting Cultural Sensitivity In Supervision: A Manual for Practitioners edited Kenneth V. Hardy and Toby Bobes

• Transcending Trauma: Healing Complex PTSD with Internal Family Systems by Frank Anderson

• The Queer and Transgender Resilience Workbook: Skills for Navigating Sexual Orientation & Gender Expression by Anneliese Singh

• The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel Van Der Kolk

• Inherited Silence: Listening to the Land, Healing the Colonizer Mind by Louise Dunlap

• We Will Not Cancel Us and Other Dreams of Transformative Justice by Adrienne Maree Brown

• Transforming Sexual Narratives: A Relational Approach to Sex Therapy by Suzanne Iasenza

• Sustaining Spirit: Self-Care for Social Justice by Naomi Ortiz

• Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern

• Finding Me by Viola Davis

• Gathering Blossoms Under Fire by Alice Walker

• Minor Feelings by Cathy Park Hong

• Adoption Healing by Joe Soll

• Heavy by Kiese Laymon

• Conscious Business by Fred Kofman

• The Making of Asian America by Erika Lee

• Caste by Isabel Wilkerson

• Why Didn't You Tell Me by Carmen Rita Wong

• When The Body Says No by Gabor Maté

• If I Survive You by Jonathan Escoffery

How to get unhooked from difficult thoughts and emotions with ACT

By: Kaitlin Lowey, MHCI

You’ve likely heard the phrase uttered by Benjamin Franklin, “...in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.” As a mental health professional (and fellow human being), I would add one other inevitability: experiencing uncomfortable thoughts and emotions. 

“I’m not good enough.” “It’s breaking my heart.” “I totally freeze.” “Something feels off in my gut.” “What is wrong with me?” “I feel depressed.” “I’m so scared.” “What if I get it wrong?” “Do they actually like me?” “Why did I say that?” “What if I fail?” “What if I end up alone?”

Our difficult thoughts and emotions are 100% normal.

Many psychologists and counselors, especially those practicing Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), would argue that experiencing such thoughts and emotions is just part of being a human. In fact, emotions like anxiety serve a purpose – they protect us from threats (like a charging lion or a dimly-lit alley). Uncomfortable emotions only become a problem when they show up in non-adaptive ways and stick around long past when they’ve served their purpose – in other words, when the degree of emotion we feel outsizes the actual threat. Our emotional responses are both innate (such as fear of snakes) and learned (such as fear of touching a hot stove). Some emotional wounds experienced in childhood, particularly those related to relationships, can continue to impact our emotional responses well into adulthood. 

So, what do our minds do when we experience these emotions? They view the emotion as a problem to be solved – to be gotten rid of. Again, the mind’s problem-solving nature is normal. It’s how humans have survived and adapted for thousands of years. For instance, humans built homes to shelter us from animals and the elements. We created the wheel to transport objects more easily. We even invented the remote control to save us from the inconvenience of having to move to turn up the volume on the TV. Our brains are hard-wired to problem-solve, and that’s usually a great thing! However, it’s not so great when our brains’ well-intentioned but ill-fated attempts to get rid of uncomfortable feelings only makes those feelings stronger. 

So, what happens when our emotional response and our problem-solving are both operating on overdrive? Russ Harris, the author of ACT made simple: An easy-to-read primer on acceptance and commitment therapy, describes the effect as getting hooked. Getting hooked means our brains automatically label the thoughts as a threat, something we have to act on, or something requiring all of our attention (what ACT theorists call cognitive fusion). We may do everything in our power to get rid of them (what ACT theorists call experiential avoidance). In addition, we might start to fuse these thoughts with our self-concept (e.g., If I keep thinking I’m bad, then I must be a terrible person.) We can also lose contact with the present moment, instead narrowing our focus on the thing that’s making us uncomfortable, disconnecting from our experience, or disengaging. Ultimately, we can lose sight of our values (what we care about and want out of our lives) and instead attempt and reattempt the same ineffective strategies to gain control over our thoughts and feelings. In other words, we use just about every strategy we can to banish our discomfort. This might look like denial, obsessively ruminating on whether or not our thoughts and feelings are true, procrastinating, engaging in addictive substances, and other attempts to control and escape. 

The problem with these strategies is that they are not likely to work. Not only do they not solve our emotional discomfort in the long run – they actually move us away from the kind of life we want to lead. And to top it all off, they often result in a spiral of shame and self-loathing. It’s a vicious cycle. 

At this point, I want to pause and remind readers that it’s not our fault our brains are wired this way – it’s extremely normal and entirely human! And, once we accept this, we can begin to make changes that help our minds work for us, instead of against us.  

So, what’s a human to do? And how can ACT help?

ACT proposes an alternate strategy (with many concepts borrowed from Yogic and Zen principles) to deal with our emotionally uncomfortable thoughts and feelings: accepting them. What if, instead of fighting our emotions and accompanying thoughts, we accepted them for what they are: our bodies’ and minds’ attempts to protect us? What if, instead of living our lives constantly running away from our discomfort, we were able to view our discomfort as separate from ourselves, accept that feeling discomfort is normal in the situation we are in, and make choices that are workable and that move us in the direction we want? In other words, what if we were able to get unhooked?

Several tools from ACT can help us unhook from uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. For instance, mindfulness strategies work to reduce emotional intensity by enabling us to attend to our emotions and the present moment with compassion and acceptance. They can also get us into the habit of viewing our thoughts and emotions as things we are experiencing in this moment, rather than the absolute truth or indicative of who we are. 

One of my favorite ACT tools involves the concept of workability versus absolute truth. As Harris states, ACT isn’t interested in whether thoughts are true – the concept of truth could be endlessly debated. Instead, ACT is interested in whether our thoughts and what we do with them are workable. If a thought or a behavior is workable, it has worked for us in the past and/or is likely to work for us in the future. It will move us closer to our long-term goal. This is a simple question we can ask ourselves when we find ourselves getting hooked and in auto-problem-solving mode: is this thought or behavior workable? Or will it be ineffective or cause other problems? 

Finally, ACT asks us to get really clear on our values. What kinds of concepts (such as love, compassion, resilience, integrity, and authenticity, for example) do we want to guide our actions? If our problems did not exist, how would we operate? Once we know our values, we can endeavor to live in alignment with them. And living in alignment with our values results in less emotional discomfort, improved self-concept, and greater fulfillment. 

Who can benefit from ACT? 

Evidence shows that ACT can be effective for a myriad of mental health problems, including anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, depression, stress, phobias, chronic pain, addictions, and adjustment. But I believe that just about anyone can find usefulness in the approach. As Harris writes, 

“Who wouldn’t benefit from being more psychologically present; more in touch with their values; more able to make room for the inevitable pain of life; more able to defuse from unhelpful thoughts, beliefs and memories; more able to take effective action in the face of emotional discomfort; more able to engage fully in what they’re doing; and more able to appreciate each moment of their life, no matter how they’re feeling?” (Harris, p. 36) 

There is much more to ACT – more than can fit in this article. But I hope this post provides a basic understanding of how ACT can help us humans get unstuck and live a more meaningful, fulfilling life. 

By: Kaitlin Lowey, MHCI

Kaitlin joins her clients as they find relief, healing, hope, clarity, and transformation. She has helped individuals experiencing struggles with anxiety, stress, relationships, life changes, obsessive-compulsive disorder, intrusive thoughts, grief and loss, fertility and postpartum, motherhood and parenthood, athletic and career performance, perfectionism, identity, and self-worth. As an integrative therapist, Kaitlin collaborates with her clients to identify goals and choose research-supported therapeutic approaches that fit best. She offers in-person and online appointments.

Book with Kaitlin Lowey, MHCI here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/KaitlinLowey

Why anxiety is so hard to get rid of

By: Kaitlin Lowey, MHCI

Most people coming to therapy for anxiety have one goal: get rid of it. Anxiety is uncomfortable at best and debilitating at its worst, and it’s incessant. It can feel like the constant what ifs, watch outs, and you can’ts have taken over your mind. They don’t want to feel anxious, but they feel powerless against it. Some even feel defective – like something is wrong with them.

Here’s the thing: anxiety is often labeled as bad, but it’s not necessarily always a bad thing. I know, I know, it sounds counterintuitive – but hear me out. Anxiety plays a critical function in our lives. From an evolutionary perspective, anxiety was essential in pre-modern times. It told us to be on guard for possible bear attacks, poisonous berries, and other potentially life-threatening situations. Those who were vigilant and prepared for threats survived. 

Similarly, anxiety plays a protective role by helping us avoid real threats we’ve experienced in the past or have seen others experience. For instance, it tells us to use caution when driving in heavy traffic or prepare in advance for an important meeting. In other words, anxiety is an adaptive trait!

The problem is, anxiety can sometimes become overactive – like an overly-sensitive brain detector that goes off loudly at the slightest hint of possible danger. Why does this happen? Anxiety is associated with the oldest, most primal parts of the brain that are deeply connected with our body. Our body sends signals to our brain when it senses danger, and vice-versa. When anxiety is in high gear, we can’t reason with this part of the brain. It’s reactive and emotionally-driven. We enter flight, fight, or freeze mode – which is also referred to as being in a state of sympathetic nervous system engagement. When we are in this mode, our prefrontal cortex, which is the part of our brain associated with reasoning and executive functions, becomes less active or shuts down entirely. 

The question becomes, how do you get rid of your anxiety? 

There are many different schools of thought when it comes to addressing anxiety. These are just a few of the hundreds of therapeutic approaches, and the explanations are pared-down for brevity, but I hope they provide a high-level understanding.

A modern psychodynamic approach is based on uncovering unconscious thoughts and feelings contributing to the anxiety, and bringing them into awareness where they can be addressed. This often involves examining competing desires (such as the need for both freedom and closeness) as well as the influence of early experiences on expectations and beliefs. 

Humanistic counseling emphasizes the strength of client-therapist bond and puts the client in the driver’s seat. By reflecting the client’s thoughts and feelings with unconditional positive regard and acceptance, the counselor can help the client gain understanding and insight – and ultimately transform. 

In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), clients identify patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors associated with their anxiety – and the relationship between them. Then, they can enact a number of techniques to stop, reduce, or replace their unhelpful thoughts and learned behaviors with more helpful ones. 

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) was born out of CBT and has many similarities. However, the approach balances the behavioral change-focused aspects of CBT with acceptance of thoughts and emotions.

Using an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Approach, clients seek to accept that anxiety is a natural part of life and use a variety of strategies to “unhook” themselves from difficult thoughts and feelings. They also identify their values and identify strategies to move in the direction of their values and long-term goals. 

In exposure therapy, clients learn to reduce their fear response through slow, controlled, and measured exposure (either imagined or real) to the thing that scares them. This approach is often used to address OCD and phobias. 

What all of these approaches have in common is the belief that once we have greater insight into ourselves, we can help our minds work for us, instead of against us.  

So, what approach is best for you? The answer is, it depends. Therapy is not one-size-fits all. Different strokes work for different folks. And many counselors choose to take an integrative approach, where they pull tools from different theories, based on what will work best for each client. 

Individuals seeking treatment should talk with their mental health professional about their goals and collaborate with their provider to create a treatment plan that feels right. And remember – anxiety is a totally normal human experience. There’s nothing wrong with you! And there is hope. 

I am honored to have Kaitlin Lowey, MHCI as a colleague on our multidisciplinary team at South Tampa Therapy!

Kaitlin joins her clients as they find relief, healing, hope, clarity, and transformation. She has helped individuals experiencing struggles with anxiety, stress, relationships, life changes, obsessive-compulsive disorder, intrusive thoughts, grief and loss, fertility and postpartum, motherhood and parenthood, athletic and career performance, perfectionism, identity, and self-worth. As an integrative therapist, Kaitlin collaborates with her clients to identify goals and choose research-supported therapeutic approaches that fit best. She offers in-person and online appointments.

Book with Kaitlin Lowey, MHCI here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/KaitlinLowey

The Steps and Stages of Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples

EFT for Couples is a three stage nine step process that takes a couple out of their negative repetitive fights that are causing a couple distress, anguish and pain and into a new place of bonding and connection where the fights are resolvable and solutions can be found. It was created by Dr. Susan Johnson and based on research in attachment theory and emotion, as well as, on systems, humanistic, and experiential treatment models. As a model itself, it has been validated by research to help about 70% of couples achieve some long term gain.

Stage One - Stabilization (assessment and de-escalation) 

In stage one of EFT, the therapist works empathically with the couple helping them identify and break the negative cycle, pattern or what Dr. Johnson calls the dance that keeps them separated and in emotional distress. During this stage of therapy, the therapist helps the couple begin to get more in touch with the underlying feelings, fears, and unmet relationship longings driving the negative dance. Experiencing these emotions and seeing their partner experience them, helps the couple to start to feel close again. Things at home start to go along more smoothly. There is a sense of calm and hope. Finally, in this stage, as de-escalation begins to take root, the individuals in the couple pair begin to see, feel, and understand that together they have created this dance of distress. Each person begins to understand more deeply the effect of his or her behavior on the other. Couple learns to work together as a team to stop the cycle.

Step 1: 
Assessment: Delineate conflict issues. Assess how these issues express core conflicts in the areas of separateness/ connectedness and dependence/ independence.
​
​Step 2:
Identify the negative interaction pattern or cycle.

Step 3:
Dive more deeply into and feel and share the emotions underlying and fueling each partners position in the cycle. 

Step 4:
Develop an understanding and experience of the problem (reframe) in terms of the cycle, the underlying emotions driving the cycle and the attachment needs which are normal and longing to be meant.

Stage Two - Bonding 

Once the couple begins to understand the dance they do together and is able to step back and stop it or repair it when it gets going at home, they are ready for stage two of EFT. Stage two essentially involves bonding moments where the couple begins to learn how to communicate their vulnerabilities to each other in a new and non-reactive manner. They are supported by the therapist to take risks in expressing their core sense of self, in asking for the other to be there for them and in requesting understanding and acceptance. Partners take turns reaching out to each other in vulnerability and responding back with empathy creating a new sense of togetherness and secure attachment.

Step 5:
Delve into and identify disowned needs and aspects of self that have been hidden for each partner.

​Step 6:
Promote acceptance of these tender and hidden parts, aspects of self and new ways of relating.

​Step 7:
Facilitate the expression of needs and wants, and restructure the interaction to create true emotional engagement.
​

Stage 3 - Consolidation of Change

After the couple has finished the bonding and restructuring events of stage two, they will begin to feel more secure with each other. During stage three, they feel like a team again. The narrative of their relationship has shifted to one where the distress and conflict is understood, resolved, and just part of the story.

Step 8:
Facilitate the emergence of new solutions to old problematic relationship issues.

Step 9:
Consolidate new positions and cycles of emotional closeness and attachment.

Sure, people still fight and sometimes even go back into their cycle. This is normal and will happen especially during times of stress. However, they are able to pull themselves out of it and be there for each other because their sense of self and experience of the relationship has changed. Because of this new ability and sense and during stage three, the focus is more practical and mostly involves consolidating gains and problem solving.

Unlock the Path to Repairing Your Relationship Through Proven Scientific Methods for Recovering from an Affair.

Navigating an affair is no easy feat. It requires immense courage and emotional openness from all parties involved. To this end, renowned relationship experts Drs. John and Julie Gottman developed the Trust Revival Method - a three-tiered process of Atonement, Attunement, and Attachment – that has been proven to help couples rebuild trust after infidelity in clinical trials.

Over the years, I have had a front-row seat to hundreds of couples improving their relationships through this method. Through my observations, I've gained invaluable insights into what makes for an effective treatment plan. To provide clarity, let’s use names: Jen and Sal are married, and Jen had an affair with Adam.

Seek couples therapy, not just individual counseling

Building trust back-up is essential for any couple looking to reconcile. However, if both spouses are ready and willing to repair their relationship then seeking help from a couples therapist can be immensely beneficial. Keeping secrets any longer would only make the healing process more difficult. Turning to individual therapy is not enough, we need to learn how to rebuild trust and foster healthy relationships. Even if Jen is talking about the love she had for Adam, it’s important that Sal regain his role as confidante, and it’s even more important that Jen be completely transparent about what happened.

Those who have been involved in an affair often struggle to open up about their difficulty letting go of the other partner with their spouse. The most critical factor here? For Sal to progress, he must earnestly accept and trust that Jen is committed to choosing him and their marriage.

Understand that the "truth" doesn't always unravel all at once; instead, it often takes time.

This is a hard situation to manage. Often, people who have been involved in an affair are reluctant to fully disclose the details at first—whether they've been caught or if they willingly confess. In this situation, Jen will be conflicted-- guilt-ridden and highly protective of both Sal's feelings and Adam.

Sal may be irritated by the latter reason; however, it is an integral part of the procedure. Despite Sal's desire to have the entire truth laid out in front of them, Jen may not be able to deliver it all at once. The "story" often comes about gradually over time. Don't forget, she has now promised to the marriage and is likely afraid of Sal's response. That "too much too soon" could backfire on her terribly. When this happens, it is easy for the wounded partner to feel that the deceit was intentional, which many people who have been betrayed find just as painful and difficult to move past as any sexual or emotional betrayal. The therapist must maneuver skillfully through the betrayer's complex layers of defense and guilt, while giving a safe space for the betrayed to express their grief, anger, and fear in response to hearing "the absolute truth." It is imperative that both parties feel respected throughout this journey. Within the Atonement stage, it is essential to maneuver through emotions such as fear, guilt, anger and embarrassment with caution and transparency. This experience can be likened to walking a delicate tightrope that calls for exceptional care.

The affair itself was not a result of issues in the relationship, it is critical to address issues for lasting change.

There is little doubt that Jen bears full responsibility for her decision to seek satisfaction outside of the marriage, yet it's important to remember that these types of situations do not occur in a vacuum. It must be acknowledged that this affair took place within the context of Jen and Sal's marital relationship.

Sal and Jen should strive to craft a new, invigorated connection where both can pledge anew and abandon the former relationship that was proving unsuccessful. To revive their marriage and create a better, healthier relationship, both partners need to acquire new skills and methods of communication. This is not about resetting the clock; it's about creating an entirely new journey -- Marriage #2!

If Jen only places blame on the marriage, that's a warning sign of marital troubles ahead. According to Gottman's teachings, if she was unable or unwilling to recognize the issues in her marriage, it would be comparable to being stuck with the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Similarly, if Sal refused to admit that there were any problems within his relationship, he too would remain entrenched in defensiveness and contempt - thus preventing any progress from occurring.

According to Drs. John and Julie Gottman, discussing the context of marriage should be done during the "Attunement" phase of treatment rather than in "Atonement." This can sound simpler than it actually is; I've found that clear boundaries are needed to ensure nothing within the marriage enticed betrayal--both topics may then be discussed separately. To help aid this process, keeping them separate from each other can work even better.

Structure is crucial to communication effectively about the affair

In her book "Not Just Friends," Dr. Shirley Glass explains that the betrayed partner in an affair can often display signs of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, with emotional stability immensely compromised and a feeling of security vanishing from the marriage entirely. As the betrayed journeys through their healing, it is essential to provide a structured sessions that can assist them in working through possible trauma symptoms like hypervigilance, nightmares and flashbacks at an appropriate pace.

For the betrayer, the process of healing and repentance needs to happen swiftly; for those who have been betrayed, it can feel like time stands still.

Jen's task is clear: she must break off her relationship with Adam and provide Sal whatever information he needs to begin healing. As a result, many people come armed with pages of inquiries in search of answers.

If Jen hesitates to openly share private details, such as cell phone or social media passwords, that could be a sign that the painful effects of the affair are still not fully comprehended. Or it may simply suggest that she has not yet taken full accountability for her actions. At this juncture, it is essential to focus on the betrayer and attempt to comprehend their resistance (whether stemming from issues pertaining to the affair or a different characteristic such as an issue with authority) in order for healing progress.

To ensure that both individuals have time to process their thoughts and feelings, it is best if the couple can abstain from discussing the affair out of therapy sessions. However, for those who cannot keep quiet about it until meeting with a therapist, we advise limiting topics related to the infidelity through scheduling specific times when they talk about it. To ensure that healing can take place and to de-escalate potential emotional explosions, both parties must be willing to commit to avoiding the four horsemen of communication during dialogue. By adhering to this structure, it not only helps prevent further pain but also allows for a sense of control over an already powerful affair.

Unsurprisingly, the affair will be continuously on your collective thoughts. However, it is essential to contain and compartmentalize that aspect of reality in order to keep looking ahead. Commence exploring new information as a tool for recommitment and reunion!

As Sal, and others in similar positions, may be tempted to search for every detail about the affair such as if Jen loved Adam or why she was attracted to him, this can further re-traumatize them according to Dr. Glass’ PTSD warnings; thus it is advisable that they are careful when seeking out intimate details of where the affair happened and what their sexual encounters were like. John & Julie Gottman would encourage Sal not become lost in those particulars. His inquisitiveness can become compulsive, seeking far too many details. However, failing to be well-informed on a matter may lead to future distress.

Sal pondered for what felt like an eternity, asking himself the question: "What do I really want out of this?" He soon realized that there was nothing else he could ask. Now content with not having any immediate answers to his questions and accepting that it was all right to remain in a state of uncertainty, Sal eventually gave himself permission to accept his current situation.

Realize the need for trust goes both ways

Jen doesn't want to think about the fact that, in 10 or 15 years' time, Sal might express his unforgiveness and resentment towards her affair by saying "I never really forgave you for that affair. I want a divorce." Alternatively, he may simply distance himself and act passive-aggressively without ever verbally expressing it.

That's very unfortunate. I have witnessed couples returning to me years after undergoing therapy for an affair, yet without having achieved the "Attachment" milestone that Drs. John and Julie Gottman recommend as a true state of reconciliation. The unforgiving spouse may appear outwardly docile but still holds resentment deep inside while their partner feels inexplicable loneliness due to the underlying distrust, fault-finding, or rage that remains unaddressed despite appearances suggesting all is well between them.

Sal should show Jen that their trust is growing by reassuring her in meaningful ways. He could say, “The thought of you being out of town last night caused me to want to text and ask for a picture, but then I realized that wasn't necessary anymore; it's clear our relationship has advanced beyond such inquiries."

Without being provided with the necessary information, Jen can feel discouraged and as if her efforts go unnoticed. To create a new connection that is even better than before, both need to comprehend and trust that they are devoted to staying together, determined to make this relationship work.

Recovering from an affair is a journey that will take time. Like all forms of grief, it can feel like both Jen and Sal are being taken on an emotional rollercoaster—one day you may think the incident occurred ages ago, while the next could bring about feelings that are more raw than ever before .Over time and with effort, you can develop essential skills for communicating about conflict, re-establishing trust within a relationship, reigniting physical/sexual intimacy in your partnership, and providing attention to how the issues have impacted children or other family members.

The possibilities of what affair recovery could look like are seemingly endless and often complex, but the good news is that it can absolutely be done. With dedication to creating a stronger partnership than before, you will find yourself in an even deeper relationship as opposed one just created by the affair. This doesn't mean your union won’t have its issues; rather, it means that with commitment from both partners these difficulties can become opportunities for growth and understanding.

Book with seasoned affair and trauma informed psychotherapist, Elizabeth Mahaney, to help you recover from infidelity! https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/initialintake

CALL or TEXT: 813-240-3237

Body Neutrality: An Alternative to Body Positivity in Eating Disorder and Disordered Eating Recovery

Recovering from an eating disorder or disordered eating is both emotionally turbulent AND a highly rewarding journey. When it comes to recovery goals mental health practitioners tend to focus on food, weight, and other disordered compensatory behaviors (think: over exercising, purging, body checking, food rules, etc.) When it comes to body image, I have noticed a lack of strategies for addressing poor body image other than loving your body or other inherently positive body image perspectives. I am so grateful that body neutrality skills are a growing trend in the treatment of disordered eating and eating disorders, but it doesn’t hurt to raise awareness and provide education about the benefits of adopting body neutrality. 

So, what is body neutrality and why is it helpful in supporting recovery goals? 

Body neutrality is an intentional perspective you can learn and practice so that you can train yourself to feel more neutral about your body. It is self-evident that feeling neutral is a far superior feeling than hatred, fear, disgust, loathing, or even pride. 

If you are one of the few that can achieve unconditional love towards your body, then keep up the good work! Most people struggle to do so as changes in our bodies over time are inevitable thus creating a shaky foundation for body positivity and body love. Not to mention how difficult this would be for people in marginalized bodies. 

I love the body neutrality perspective because it untangles all the emotional and mental drama placed on the body during an eating disorder and neutralizes bodies in general. Objectively our bodies are our physical structures. Some could call them our vessels, the things we travel around in during our lives. Body neutrality is a state of not supporting either side of the conflict and disagreement (body love vs. body hate). 

The shift towards body neutrality takes time and effort. It is certainly uncomfortable. Some of this has to do with the repetition and habit of body hate in our brain patterns but also it has to do with the normalization of negative labels and biases from society and social media. It is terrifyingly normal for people who identify as women or people in larger bodies to report negative body image thoughts every day and even more so to report the actual evidence they have of being labeled or judged by others. 

I have sat with clients and seen the struggle, frustration, and sometimes rage in their faces when I open the door to potentially widening their lenses and looking at themselves differently. When you are fighting a war with your body it feels just or right that you punish yourself. On the flip side, if the alternative is body love and you are in a marginalized body, the chasm between you and loving your body feels insurmountable 

Does this scene sounds dismal? Don’t worry there is a way out, but the question is what do we do? The first step is that you try to be open and willing to shift your perspective. 

What I have seen with clients is that if they don’t at least TRY to shift their perspective, they will continue to spend the rest of their years trying to fit into someone else’s ideal and remain trapped in the prison of their own self-hatred.

Body neutrality becomes a resting place from the constant chaotic chatter and criticism of the mind. It’s a space where you can find some peace and take some pressure off yourself thus simultaneously lowering your stress levels. 

Body neutrality is shifting your perspective towards appreciation and respect for your body. It is honoring the body as it is and taking a few steps down the body image continuum towards a more neutral zone.

Body neutrality is the space where you do not support your body hatred anymore.

Below are five practical steps you can start on if you want to begin shifting your perspective. 

1. Call a truce on the war with your body. You can’t hate yourself happy, successful, thin or anything else. Step away from living in the body hatred camp. This doesn’t mean you have to now love your body, just make a conscious commitment that you do not want to be stuck in that camp. 

2. Start a daily body appreciation practice. Write down 5 things every day that your body can do.

3. Counteract your negative self-talk with some body neutral phrases. For example: 

• Thank your body, for taking care of me today.

• My thighs are strong and help me walk.

• Thank you belly for holding my organs.

• My arms allow me to hug the ones I love.

• My weight does not define my worth.

4. Focus on your strengths. What are your unique talents, and what are you good at? What do others like about you? Essentially, what do you bring to the table that is not your body. This could be getting clear on your values or looking at your positive character traits or even exploring your passions and dreams. 

5. Clean up your social media feeds. If there are people or sites that make you feel bad about yourself, or that you compare yourself with delete them. What you look at impacts your ability to shift your perspective. Finally, seek out the support of a therapist who specializes in eating disorder and disordered eating recovery. Ask potential therapist if they are Health at Every Size informed and what their perspective is on body image. 

Best of luck and please reach out for a free consultation if you have any questions about therapy or what the process of recovery might look like. 

-Shaundra McGuire 

To book with Shaundra McGuire, RMHCI: https://shaundratherapyandwellness.squarespace.com/

Five Therapy Skills to Help You Stop Overthinking

Overthinking is a learned thought pattern that exacerbates anxiety. Overthinking is exhausting. Although it feels helpful to continue thinking about the given problem or stressors it is ultimately unproductive. Over thinking and anxiety are not inherently wrong because the brain is wired to keep you safe and scan for evidence to validate perceived threats. However, overthinking becomes unhealthy when it causes anxiety and takes away from enjoying your life and acting according to your values. This post aims to help you identify your overthinking patterns and to provide you with tools to start reducing those patterns. 

Four Types of Overthinking: 

• • Rumination about the past

• • Worry about the Future

• • Over-analyzing decisions

• • Social Anxiety (for example: why did I say that? what did they think?)

OK, so let’s go through the skills!

One: Noticing and naming 

We are often not aware of our thought patterns, so we need to get skilled at identifying our thinking. Start intentionally becoming aware of overthinking and when you notice it simply saying, “I am overthinking.” You could also ask a loved one or therapist to call you out when they notice you’re overthinking.  

You can also learn your triggers by observing when you start to ruminate. What time of day? What people or situations get your brain going haywire? If you are struggling to notice your overthinking, you could set an alarm on your phone every hour and check to see if you are ruminating or how much you have been ruminating that hour. At this point you can begin tracking it, so you have data to use as your start point on your journey towards overcoming overthinking patterns. 

Two: Setting Limits on Overthinking

Now that you’ve become aware of your overthinking and are addressing your triggers you can start postponing or scheduling times to ruminate. This sounds counter intuitive but setting these limits sends the message to your brain to stop nagging you because you WILL address it. It teaches you that you have some influence over your worry. When you’re just starting out it is a good practice to schedule “worry time” each day for one month. You could schedule 30 minutes, for example, every day to address your worries. After those 30 minutes you can purposefully go back to what’s important to you. 

It is important to try and never worry in your head. You could write it down, record a voice memo, or video on your phone or computer. The point is to get it out of your head. Other tools you could try are writing a pros and cons list or using a brain dump. Scheduling worry shows your brain there’s a time and place for worry.  

Three: Attention Shifting 

Our brains are thought producing machines constantly sending us thoughts throughout the day. The good thing is we do not have to attach to or internalize every automatic thought. There is a deeper you underneath your thoughts. You are the referee. You can learn to separate yourself from your thoughts so that you can choose which thoughts you will buy into and which ones you won’t. You can start separating from your thoughts by practicing mindfulness or cognitive diffusion skills. 

Visualization is also a great tool. Try viewing your thoughts like channels on a TV. When you notice you’re on the worry channel visualize clicking the remote to change channels. This might look like shifting from fearing all the things you can’t control to focusing on thinking or doing one thing you can. This is a form of shifting focus and putting your attention on thoughts that better serve you. 

Another skill is turning your attention away from worry and towards the present moment.  This shift is from inward to outward. In any given situation when you are worrying you can return to what is directly around you. 

What can you see? Hear? Touch? Smell? What people can you look at? What are you feeling inside your body? Can you feel your breath?

Beyond your worry there is a world right there outside of you. The more you practice these skills the easier they become. 

Four: Learn to shift from Abstract thinking to Concrete Thinking

Oftentimes overthinking is aggravated by an unhelpful thought pattern called Over-generalization. Over-generalizations keep us thinking abstractly versus concretely. For example, “why can’t I ever get my needs met.” This type of thinking leads to self-loathing and helplessness. So, try and Avoid WHY questions “Why can’t I ever get better? why do I always do this? why do I overthink so much?” These questions do not lead to anything actionable, so we need to shift from why to what questions. For example, “what is one small thing I can do today for my mental health?” Instead of asking “Why can’t I ever succeed at relationships” you could ask “what is one relationship skill I can work on.” Once you are aware of your overthinking, have set boundaries on when you will worry, and have begun to separate from believing all your thoughts it is important you ask what questions. It is far more effective to pick one step to work on than to catastrophize and ponder the why’s of your life and your situation. 

Five: Shift from overthinking to your values

Before you can stop overthinking, you must know what you do want more of in your life. Instead of thinking, “I do not want to overthink” it might be helpful to try thinking “what do I want in my life.” Avoidance increases anxiety in the long run so instead of distracting (or avoiding) your unhelpful thoughts try shifting your thoughts toward exploring what you really care about. What is most important to you right now? What do you want your life to be about? Overthinking tends to isolate and decrease the vastness of one’s world. Getting clear on your values and what you want out of life is one step to reverse the withdrawing nature of anxiety. I hope these tools helped you. If you would like more support in overcoming your overthinking, feel free to book a free consultation with me. 

https://shaundratherapyandwellness.squarespace.com/contact 

Warmly, 

Shaundra McGuire, MHCI  

Learn How to Connect With Your Child Through Play:

“You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.” –Plato

Utilizing play to connect with your child on a deeper level, will open the door for new shared experiences and new magical moments. Research has shown that children NEED play. It is their natural language and their way of relating to the world around them. Play helps a child to make sense of their experiences, feelings, desires, wants, and needs. It helps a child to develop a sense of self-concept and competency. 

So how can parents learn to utilize the natural language of their children (play) to get on their level and connect? Parents sometimes try to connect through words- asking their child to describe how they are feeling or the reason behind their tantrum- only to feel confused and disappointed at their child’s lack of words. Let’s try a different approach. 

The PRIDE skills are a helpful template for parents to use when connecting through play with their child. These skills will help guide how the interaction flows, focusing on the child directing the play. 

Praise appropriate behaviors

-As you watch your child engage in play, praise the behaviors that are appropriate and that you want to see more of. It’s helpful to be specific and clear in your praises to help the child understand what you are referring to. For example, “Great job at playing with your truck so quietly!” The goal of this skill is to increase the desired behaviors that your child is already showing and to let them know what you want to see more of.
Reflect appropriate talk

-Allow the child to direct the conversation as you are playing with them. Avoid asking questions. Instead, repeat the talk that you want to hear more of. This demonstrates to the child that you are actively listening and playing along with them. It also helps to increase verbal communication because it allows space for your child to talk in whatever way comes naturally, instead of constantly answering adult’s questions. Here are a few simple examples of reflecting appropriate talk: 

Child: I drew a house. Parent: You drew a house! 

Child: I like to play with these dolls! Parent: Those dolls are fun to play with!
Imitate appropriate play 

-Allow the child to direct what and how you are playing during this time. As the parent, it’s your job to simply imitate appropriate play that you want to see more of. This helps to foster more self-confidence and autonomy in your child, by allowing them to take the lead, and showing that you are willing and excited to follow along. So, if the child starts making food in their play kitchen, you join in as the sous-chef and make food alongside them!
Describe appropriate behavior verbally 

-As your child continues playing and switching to new toys, it’s helpful for parents to simply describe the behaviors they are witnessing. For example, “You’re moving the blocks around with your hands” or “You’re drawing a picture with your markers”. This has been shown to help increase a child’s attention and focus on whatever activity they are currently engaged in. Try to specifically describe what the child is doing with his/her hands to help draw their attention to the actions. This not only helps the child to focus, but it also shows them that their parent is intentionally watching and paying attention to their play.
Enthusiasm

-It is SO important for your child to see that you are enthusiastic about this play time the two of you are sharing together. Parents can show that they are excited to play through verbal and non-verbal encouragement: positive phrases and non-verbal cues such as smiling. Demonstrating enthusiasm in play allows the parents to serve as a role model for the child to see the expression of positive emotions. It also gives the child positive attention which is so powerful for them to feel loved and supported. 

Here are a few examples of enthusiastic phrases: 

“This is so much fun!”

“Wow you built such a great castle with your blocks!” 

Research shows that even 5-10 minutes of this intentional child-directed play can make all the difference in the relationship between child and parents. If you are interested in learning more about Peaceful Parenting techniques, book a session today!

Written by Jamie Rudden

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/JamieRuddenMFTI

A Lesson for those who feel Unworthy or “Never Enough”

The topic of self-worth is common amongst therapists who are passionate about guiding their clients towards relief from negative thinking, anxiety, and low self-esteem. To gain a sense of self-worth it is important to identify what subconscious (or conscious) beliefs you hold that might be blocking you from offering yourself UNCONDITIONAL positive regard.

The term unconditional positive regard was coined by the American psychologist Carl Rogers. Carl Rogers believed that all humans are inherently “enough” and “worthy.” It was Rodger’s mission to bestow upon all his clients the experience of being treated with unconditional positive regard. Spoiler alert: that is also my mission! 

Ok, but for the sake of this post let’s define the terms. I want to focus on the “unconditional” part. Unconditional means that no condition sets you up against your inherent worthiness. To believe you are worthy of unconditional positive regard you must identity what Rodgers called “conditions of worth.” Conditions of worth are the beliefs that block you from accepting unconditional positive regard and from feeling worthy for just being you. 

Conditions of worthy might go something along the lines of……

• If I am funny, people won’t notice my insecurities

• I am safe and worthy if I keep this job or make x amount of money

• If I am agreeable and quiet, I am acceptable.

• It is not okay to show who I truly am I can be a chameleon and be loved

• I must make peace; conflict will show that I am an angry person

• As long as I stay beautiful, my husband will love me

I could probably write thirty pages of hypothetical “Conditions of worth” but I will spare you from that. The point is that we all have internalized “conditional worth” beliefs learned from caregivers, parents, teachers, cultural messages, or religious institutions. 

Once you have taken in these messages as fact, your brain starts to scan for evidence that will validate that belief. 

For example, if you believe that “good people are agreeable and don’t pick fights,” every time your partner picks a fight or confronts you, you might push down your feelings or reactions to appease them.

You do this because, “good people don’t fight back” right? “Good people are agreeable” right? You can’t possibly share your truth or advocate for your feelings because if you do, you won’t be good, and everyone wants to believe they are good right? 

Do you see the danger in this type of thinking? Continuing to live in reaction to these beliefs, with a brain that is wired to scan for evidence that bolsters them, is essentially what creates the “inner critic” in our heads. The voice that does not sound warm and fuzzy. The voice that certainly does not speak unconditional positive regard to our dear souls. 

So, step one is to think about your parents, your family, your spouse, or your religious organization. Try to identify any messages you’ve learned that set you up against your inherent worthiness with any “condition” that you must meet. 

Once you are aware of these messages you can begin to externalize them. For example, when you hear the thought: 

“I shouldn’t speak up because I will be seen as too much” you might say “I notice I am having the thought that I shouldn’t speak up because I will be seen as too much.” You might say, “I am hearing my moms voice in my head.” At that, you might begin to chuckle as you notice that some of the thoughts in your head are not your true thoughts but merely conditioned beliefs that your little child brain absorbed as absolute truth. 

At this point, you have awareness which is a powerful tool. Once you’re aware you can choose not to put energy towards that thought and more importantly you can choose not to act in reaction to that thought. 

Sometimes we have all these negative feelings towards ourselves and fears that drive us. We identify with them and think they are us. What a relief when we can understand that those thoughts aren’t us. The inner critic is not you and you don’t have to act in reaction to it. 

My final thought is that when you experience anxiety when trying to go against the thoughts, remember that you can tolerate it. The only reason it feels scary is because you have never opposed those thoughts in the past. The more you notice them, do the scary thing and act from your thoughts (not your conditioned thoughts) the more you essentially become you. 

Maybe it is just me, but I don’t want to live in a world where I must earn my worth or worthiness. Most people when looking at an innocent child, inherently know there is something worthy about them regardless of what they do, how they look, what they say, etc. We are still those innocent children deep down. The more we live from a place of worthiness the freer we become to treat others with such unconditional positive regard. 

I hope this blog taught you something or sparked an insight. If you have questions about this topic or want to explore your past and conditions of worth, I offer free 15 min consultations and would love to get to know you. 

Shaundra McGuire, MFTI 813-298-8905

Book With Shaundra: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ShaundraMcguireMFTI